siabe Posted February 25, 2015 Share Posted February 25, 2015 Hi, I thought I'd update the thread I posted a while ago, about how my boyfriend (30) proposed to me and then just stopped mention it completely. So it hasn't gotten any better... To sum it up- We’ve been together for over 2.5 years, live together and in January he asked me if I wanna marry him. Not in a romantic way at all, just at breakfast, without a ring. I said yes anyway, I was so happy. Well, since then he hasn’t brought up getting married anymore at all. I have. After he didn’t talk about it, I asked him about it, like if he wants to get rings and plan the wedding and all that. He got really mad for no reason and shut me down. I cried, he didn’t care, got even more mad and went to sleep. After that I waited almost two weeks without bringing it up again, hoping he would bring it up. Of course he didn’t. So I did, again. This time he didn’t get angry. He said he still wants to marry me, but he just ‘totally forgot about it’. Great, I thought. How can you even forgot something like this. I told him that this is very important to me and that I need and want to talk about it. He asked what I had in mind. I told him I wanna get rings. He said he doesn’t like wearing jewellry, but if I want we can do it. I told him I’d like a small wedding. For like ten minutes we actually talked about it, he didn’t seem dreading the topic at all at this point. Then I asked him again if he wants to look at rings these days, he said sure. Then, when I asked him if he wants to see rings the next day (he had off) he said nah he can’t, he already promised a friend we would go on a day hike with them. I asked him what other day would work for him. He said he doesn’t know. ‘Maybe the weekend or so’ he said. The weekend came. Friday he didn’t say anything. I asked him if he wants to see rings the next day (Saturday). He said sure. Saturday came. In the morning he told me ‘Let’s go to surf to the beach with our friends X and Y’. I asked him what about the rings. He said ‘Ah yea, totally forgot it. Well, we can go another day, can’t we?’. I didn’t like it at all, told him thatb he always says that. He said ‘Well, I’m just very busy that’s it’ (not true at all, he’s very lucky with his job, having a lot of days off). But I said okay, we can do it another day. Sunday- He didn’t mention rings or getting married, as usual. I asked him if he has time on Tuesday. He said yes. The next day he told me he actually doesn’t have time. I got a bit pissed and said all I want is that you tell me a day and stick with it. He said Wednesday we can do it for sure. I told him in a calm voice that I don’t wanna force him to do something he doesn’t want. That he should tell me the truth about everything. He said yes, sure and that he still wants to marry me. I also told him how important it is to me, again. Yesterday was Tuesday night and we went for dinner with friends. Those friends are the same ones as the ones we went to the beach with. They asked us if we wanna go to the beach tomorrow (we have off). My boyfriend directly said yes sure, let’s go to the beach. They kept planning the day and seemed to want to stay at the beach til the evening. When we went home, I asked him about it. I said ‘What about looking at rings and start thinking and researching wedding stuff, as we agreed to do tomorrow?’ He said ‘Ah yes, no problem, we get back at 5 or so and then we can do it. I told him that 5 is a bit late, because most people stop working at 6 so we cannot make any calls (to places to have the wedding etc.) and the jewellry stores close at 8, so that’s all a bit tight. He didn’t say much, just sticked with wanting to go to the beach. I got sad and told him that it really disappoints me that he keeps telling me a day and then ditches me last second. That he seems to be dreading this topic even more than any other thing (he usually isn’t like this; if he has a bill to pay he pays it the same day. He is very responsible with every responsibility he has. And if he wants something, like a new bike, he doesn’t stop researching and comparing til he got it. He never procrastinates usually). He said in a pissed voice ‘So you don’t seem to be excited at all to be going to surf tomorrow’. I said ‘No, right now I have other things in my head. I thought tomorrow we would finally look at rings and plan the wedding thing’. He got really pissed, telling me that I always expect things from him and that other things are just more important sometimes. Then he completly started to ignore me. I started crying. He got mad and told me ‘Crying is always the answer for you, hm?’ and then lay down and closed his eyes to sleep. I cried even more. I realized that he must lack of empathy- If I saw him crying like that I would be all over him trying to comfort him. Every time I know that something is important to him I do everything to support him. He knows that this is important to me and he doesn’t seem to give a **** at all. Tries to turn the situation around and blame me instead. I don’t expect much, I’m not high maintenance. I always dreamed of getting a proposal with an engagement ring, well, I didn’t and I accepted anyway. I thought we can buy the ring afterwards. He finds engagement rings stupid and ridiculous by the way. I don’t want a big wedding I’m fine with just the two of us or the two of us plus our parents and brothers. I’m low key. Well, right now I’m really thinking of breaking up. I cannot even sleep in a bed with him now. It’s not just that he doesn’t seem to care about getting married or not. He doesn’t care about my feelings and that it is important to me. That I asked him a hundred times to give me a day where we can plan something and look at rings, and he always gives me a day and cancels last minute because he prefers to go to the beach or whatever else. I hate being that kind of person and nag him all the time about it. But I wouldn't have nagged him if he didn't propose to me, and if he didn't even bring up getting married. If he needed more time, that would be okay. But he keeps saying 'Yea we'll do it on Tuesday/Wednesday/Saturday' whatever just to cancel last minute because he has something that he thinks is more important (going to the beach is apparently more important). By the way, I also never nagged him about marriage before he proposed. We talked about marriage a few times, but I never told him I wanna get married asap or gave him a timeline or whatever. I was always relaxed about it. By the way 2, nobody knows we're engaged (well, I guess we're not). He hasn't told anyone, not even his parents. Also, when a friend of him asked him jokingly if we're 'the only ones living in sin' he just said yes, didn't say we're engaged or anything. I didn't tell anyone yet because I'm not sure he actually wants to get married. If we bought a ring together or I could see in a different way that he really wants to do this, I would tell everyone immediately. Plus, he sees how sad I am, he sees me crying and just gets more mad and completly ignores me. He doesn’t care at all how I feel. What do you guys think about all this? Should I have already left him? Should I stay? Am I too sensible? Every advice appreciated. Thank you. Link to post Share on other sites
amaysngrace Posted February 25, 2015 Share Posted February 25, 2015 I think it's great that you are seeing who he really is before you married him. Someone who is mean to you and criticizes you for being sad is not somebody I'd want to share my life with. How about you? 4 Link to post Share on other sites
stillmind Posted February 25, 2015 Share Posted February 25, 2015 If you want to stay with him I think you should accept that he doesn't want to marry you. Personally I don't think you should stay with him either way, he seems to lack empathy for you and that's not a good quality in a husband OR a boyfriend. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
CarrieT Posted February 25, 2015 Share Posted February 25, 2015 Plus, he sees how sad I am, he sees me crying and just gets more mad and completly ignores me. He doesn’t care at all how I feel. ^ ^ ^ Re-read what you wrote here. ^ ^ ^ Should I have already left him? I think you know the answer to this. Why WOULD you stay with someone who completely discounts your feelings? A man who wants to marry you will move heaven and earth to do just that: Find the perfect ring and make the event special. Your guy does NOT want to marry you. What do you guys think about all this? I think you should have ended it long before this... 7 Link to post Share on other sites
Author siabe Posted February 25, 2015 Author Share Posted February 25, 2015 You guys are right. I don't even mind so much that he's not the marriage kind of guy. I know there are men out there who can love a woman with all their heart, but just don't really get the point of getting married. If my man was that kind of a guy, BUT understood that for me it is really important, I wouldn't mind so much. I would appreciate that he loves me enough to do it for me. But that doesn't seem to apply here. I just don't understand why he's doing this. Why did he even bring up getting married? Just to hurt and disappoint me? If it's just that he wasn't ready, I wouldn't have minded to wait a year longer or so, without nagging him (never nagged or pressured him in the past). But what he does, I just don't get it. He keeps cancelling our plans for stuff like 'I want to go to the beach' and 'I want to visit my parents' and then HE is the one getting mad that I'm sad and disappointed about it. Link to post Share on other sites
amaysngrace Posted February 25, 2015 Share Posted February 25, 2015 Again, it's good that you're seeing him in a new light and thinking about the way he treats what's important to you before you get married to him. He could have just mentioned marriage to keep you hanging on or to see how committed you are. Who knows? The important thing now is to show him what you will and will not tolerate with a promise of marriage. You should talk it out with him once more about how he makes you feel. Can you have a heart to heart conversation with him about your feelings and will he be respectful towards you? Or will he again make you feel insignificant? You're very smart to truly see if he's the one or not before saying "I do". I admire you. Link to post Share on other sites
TigerCub Posted February 25, 2015 Share Posted February 25, 2015 OMG that was painful to read. You are settling for crumbs - he asks you to marry him without a real proposal, he keeps putting off going to see rings, he got mad at you when you first mentioned it after he proposed. He "totally forgot" -It was painful to read how uninterested he is but it was even more painful to read how you just wouldn't let up - you wouldn't take the hint - every other day 'wanna look at rings' ' wanna plan the wedding' like really? When a guy not even half assedly "proposed" then tells you how he "completely forgot about it" what on earth would have you thinking 'Yup this guys is a keeper - I see great things here! He REALLY must want to marry me" I'm sorry you are so sad and crying and all that - but this guy is an ass and you should have more self respect than to keep pushing the issue when it is clear that he doesn't want it I don't know why he even brought it up in the first place - but it's clear now that he doesn't want it and he doesn't care how this hurts you. Stop wasting time on him. If I were you I'd end it and move out (and it wouldn't be with the hope of having him change his mind) it would be because I wouldn't settle for crap like that - I'd want to be with a man that truly wants to be with me and makes it clear in his words/actions. Do better than him OP. He's a dud. 6 Link to post Share on other sites
Mittens Posted February 25, 2015 Share Posted February 25, 2015 I've seen your 7 posts in the last month, on the same subject, on weddingbee and you've gotten exactly the same replies from posters on here. I suggest you start taking notice of them. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
sandylee1 Posted February 25, 2015 Share Posted February 25, 2015 He doesn't want to get married Siabe. I think his actions have made that very clear. He proposed in his flimsy way hoping it may keep you at bay. Some men like the cosy living with a woman, but not the whole responsibility of marriage. The commitment is more than some men really want. He sees you sobbing and doesn't give a damn? You know it's time to leave this relationship. Why waste the some of your best years on someone so uncaring? 2 Link to post Share on other sites
elaine567 Posted February 25, 2015 Share Posted February 25, 2015 I just don't understand why he's doing this. Why did he even bring up getting married? Just to hurt and disappoint me? Some men are like this. A longstanding male friend of mine, once told me that every long term girl he had been with he spoke about getting married to, yet he had no intention of marrying anyone, he said it kept them on side, to keep them sweet. He lived with them, he had a nice life. Then when he couldn't keep up the pretence any longer, or he found someone else, he moved onto the next one and gave her the same spiel. Link to post Share on other sites
seekingpeaceinlove Posted February 25, 2015 Share Posted February 25, 2015 Actions speak louder than words. He can tell you that he wants to marry you all he wants but until he takes actions towards making it happen..what he says doesn't matter, does it? What do his actions say about what is important to him? What do his actions say about what he wants/doesn't want? What do his actions say about him? What do his actions say about the state of your relationship? What do his actions say about the future of your relationship? Your banging your head against a wall in this situation and you're only hurting yourself by staying. I asked in your last thread, what is your limit? When will you finally say, "enough!" and walk away? When a partner can turn his back on his beloved when she is hurting and crying...that speaks VOLUMES. At this point, Siabe, marriage shouldn't even be considered. You need to figure out whether you want to be in a relationship with someone who lacks empathy. You've been posting multiple threads on the same topic, even on different sites hoping there will be a different answer. I think you know deep down the reality of this situation and the future of your relationship but you're not ready to admit it. Take time away from your bf and do some serious soul searching. This is your life and you deserve to dream and have those dreams come true. If someone is holding you down and cares little to nothing about your dreams, your aspirations and what make your heart sing with happiness... it is time to move on. Life is too short to waste on someone who will turn their back on you when you're hurting. Link to post Share on other sites
Zahara Posted February 25, 2015 Share Posted February 25, 2015 (edited) That was so hard to read. It is very evident that he doesn't want to get married. You know this because a man that wants to be engaged and married to you doesn't require chasing. You keep chasing and chasing hoping one day he'll have that favorable response and you both will live happily every after. Even if you both got rings today, it won't change what's ahead because if rings are this difficult to get him goin,g imagine what the reaction is going to be for what's ahead. Stop wasting your years on this man. He is not going to give you what you deserve. And if a man told me he forgot about his plans of marrying me, I would have kicked his behind to the curb and moved on. Edited February 25, 2015 by Zahara Link to post Share on other sites
Mr. Lucky Posted February 26, 2015 Share Posted February 26, 2015 I don't know why he even brought it up in the first place - but it's clear now that he doesn't want it and he doesn't care how this hurts you. The approach the human male uses to solve the problem of doing things you ask of him that he doesn't want to do is well documented. He does enough of it to solve the lowest minimum requirement but completes the task in such a half-assed manner you'll never ask him to do it again. "I went with you to see the play like you wanted. So what if I watched the Lakers/Celtics game on my phone the whole time?" OP, you're getting a dose of that here... Mr. Lucky 1 Link to post Share on other sites
GoBlue Posted February 26, 2015 Share Posted February 26, 2015 The truth is he already has everything he wants - a marriage without any of the responsibility of commitment. Co-habitation is never a good approach to preparing for marriage. Did you know that those who live together before marriage have a higher level of domestic violence, have a higher rate of divorce, and have a lower level of marital satisfaction? I do not belive that a man can truly "love you with all of his heart" and not make a commitment (marriage). The very basis of love is making a commitment - which is true at every level - and the basis of commitment is setting aside purely selfish motives in order to meet the needs of the one you say you love. Does any of this describe your current relationship? Do you want to continue on in this same kind of a pattern? Do you think anything will change if he suddenly decides to follow through and get married? Please don't "settle" simply because marriage is important to you. There is someone out there who will love you and make a commitment. My thoughts and prayers are with you. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author siabe Posted February 26, 2015 Author Share Posted February 26, 2015 Thanks a lot for your answers so far. I realize that I cannot be with him if he doesn't want to get married. I don't need it now and I could wait a bit, but I don't think it's a question of time. He doesn't want to marry me, and I wonder if he just doesn't wanna marry me or doesn't wanna get married in general. Either way, I decided to write him a letter. I feel like we cannot talk at all, because he gets angry and I get sad. Not writing a letter to change his mind, but to get my thoughts and feelings out there, to let him know how all of this makes me feel. And to tell him clear that I cannot buy a house with someone I'm not married too and that I cannot plan a future with that someone either. That this relationship doesn't work if we want different things. And some other stuff. Not hoping he will change his mind or a miracle would happen, but I feel like I need this to get closure and to not regret for not having tried. Link to post Share on other sites
d0nnivain Posted February 26, 2015 Share Posted February 26, 2015 I think writing the letter will help you. I also think giving it to him is a mistake. Write it. Leave it for a day. Re-read it. Analyze your feelings & then talk to him one more time. I know it seems like when you talk he doesn't hear you but letters . . . well I'm not a fan Link to post Share on other sites
CrystalShine2011 Posted February 26, 2015 Share Posted February 26, 2015 He sounds like a real piece of work lol Also, he's scared of commitment and thought it sounded nice to "get married" at one moment in time? That was very wrong of him to ask you without thinking it through. I, personally, would break it off. You could do so much better and everything you mentioned pointed to you being in the right. Link to post Share on other sites
Author siabe Posted February 26, 2015 Author Share Posted February 26, 2015 I think writing the letter will help you. I also think giving it to him is a mistake. Write it. Leave it for a day. Re-read it. Analyze your feelings & then talk to him one more time. I know it seems like when you talk he doesn't hear you but letters . . . well I'm not a fan Thank you. Why aren't you a fan of letters? Me for my part would be happy if he wrote me a letter telling me what he thinks. I think it's just easier to write a letter because I'm extremely emotional about it and I don't wanna forget anything I want to say. What if I write him a letter, let him read it and the next day I ask him if he wants to talk about it? Link to post Share on other sites
amaysngrace Posted February 26, 2015 Share Posted February 26, 2015 If you need to write a letter rather than have open verbal communication with him then it's probably not in your best interest to be marrying the dude. Married people talk. Pretty regularly too. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author siabe Posted February 26, 2015 Author Share Posted February 26, 2015 If you need to write a letter rather than have open verbal communication with him then it's probably not in your best interest to be marrying the dude. Married people talk. Pretty regularly too. I didn't say I don't wanna talk. I said I wanna put my feelings into a letter to be sure to say everything I wanna say, and to have time to think carefully about what I say. After he reads it I would like to talk to him about it. I usually don't do that and I usually talk directly, but right now I feel like a letter would be better. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
d0nnivain Posted February 26, 2015 Share Posted February 26, 2015 Like texting or other non-verbal communication it misses context -- voice, timber, facial expression etc. It's also awkward. What are you going to do, hand him the letter & watch him read it? 2 Link to post Share on other sites
elaine567 Posted February 26, 2015 Share Posted February 26, 2015 Thank you. Why aren't you a fan of letters? Me for my part would be happy if he wrote me a letter telling me what he thinks. I think it's just easier to write a letter because I'm extremely emotional about it and I don't wanna forget anything I want to say. What if I write him a letter, let him read it and the next day I ask him if he wants to talk about it? He doesn't want a letter, his response to talking is anger, his response to the letter may be to screw it up and heave it in the bin and you will be even more sad. Letters can be shown to others, letters can be a source of embarrassment in the future. Better not to give him a letter pouring your heart out, IMO. You have to talk to him face to face. He is obviously feeling threatened and pushed into a corner about the marriage and maybe he just regrets ever asking you, or he may be he thought you would say "No, we are fine the way we are." Some men do not respond well to ultimatums and some men hate women crying as they feel it is manipulation. So whilst he may lack empathy, he may just be feeling a bit manipulated. He perhaps thought it was his role to arrange the ring buying and now you have taken over that and to top it all you are now hounding him about it. The hounding about the rings may be just getting him annoyed and he is digging in his heels or he is digging in his heels because he cannot actually afford those rings. The fact he has kept this a big secret from everyone is bad. The rings are going to make this public, why doesn't he want to make this public? Sorry, but is it possible he is cheating? Or is it possible he spoke about this to someone like a close friend or even his parents and they held up their hands in horror, persuaded him against it and now he is scared to tell you he has changed his mind? 3 Link to post Share on other sites
Author siabe Posted February 26, 2015 Author Share Posted February 26, 2015 Some men do not respond well to ultimatums and some men hate women crying as they feel it is manipulation. So whilst he may lack empathy, he may just be feeling a bit manipulated. He perhaps thought it was his role to arrange the ring buying and now you have taken over that and to top it all you are now hounding him about it. The hounding about the rings may be just getting him annoyed and he is digging in his heels or he is digging in his heels because he cannot actually afford those rings. The fact he has kept this a big secret from everyone is bad. The rings are going to make this public, why doesn't he want to make this public? Sorry, but is it possible he is cheating? Or is it possible he spoke about this to someone like a close friend or even his parents and they held up their hands in horror, persuaded him against it and now he is scared to tell you he has changed his mind? No, if he was going to get me a ring in the future I wouldn't complain at all. He told me he thinks engagement rings are ridiculous and a waste of money (even though I told him I just want a cheap one, not even a diamond since I'm not a diamond fan). When I asked him if we're going to wear wedding bands he said he doesn't like jewellery and he would prefer not to, but if it's that important to me he can try. He can definitely afford a ring since I said I want a cheap one and since I offered to split the price with him. Also, he has a good income and recently bought stuff for more than 2000$ for his new hobby. I'm also worried that the only reason he doesn't want to wear a ring is that he doesn't want people to know he's married. I mean I know that he never wears jewellery so I know he's not a big fan of it, but it's just a ring and a nice way of showing commitment to a person. I don't think he's cheating right now, I always know where he is and what he does and we spend most of our free time together. But that doesn't mean that he maybe wants to keep the door opened and not close the door by showing a ring to the world. I don't know. And about his family and friends, I don't think so. He told me he hasn't even told anyone about it (and I believe him because he's not the kind of guy who directly shares his feelings and thoughts with everyone). I also have a good relation to his family and friends, I even text with his mom every couple of days (unless she just pretends to be nice to me, which I don't think, but who knows). Link to post Share on other sites
Author siabe Posted February 26, 2015 Author Share Posted February 26, 2015 Like texting or other non-verbal communication it misses context -- voice, timber, facial expression etc. It's also awkward. What are you going to do, hand him the letter & watch him read it? No, I was rather thinking of writing him an 'e-letter', aka a normal email. Easier to read, especially if he reads it at work or so. I'm not going to send it to him while we're both in the apt. I was thinking to send it to him when he's at work and tell him to read it when he has time. And then give him time to process it. Link to post Share on other sites
d0nnivain Posted February 26, 2015 Share Posted February 26, 2015 No, I was rather thinking of writing him an 'e-letter', aka a normal email. Easier to read, especially if he reads it at work or so. I'm not going to send it to him while we're both in the apt. I was thinking to send it to him when he's at work and tell him to read it when he has time. And then give him time to process it. Oh that is just an absolutely horrible idea! Even under the best of circumstances when everything is perfect, interjecting your personal life into his work space is a disaster waiting to happen. Do not mix the two. Especially if he works for a big company the IT department will be reading his mail. Do you really want his boss to know there are issues? Yikes. If you must give him a letter type, print it & hand it to him. If you must e-mail it & risk it going viral, send it to his personal not work address 1 Link to post Share on other sites
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