He keeps cancelling our plans to look at rings and plan the wedding

[siabe]

Oh that is just an absolutely horrible idea! Even under the best of circumstances when everything is perfect, interjecting your personal life into his work space is a disaster waiting to happen. Do not mix the two. Especially if he works for a big company the IT department will be reading his mail. Do you really want his boss to know there are issues? Yikes.

 

 

If you must give him a letter type, print it & hand it to him. If you must e-mail it & risk it going viral, send it to his personal not work address

 

No no, you got me wrong, of course I wouldn't send it to his work mail! I'm just saying an email is easier to read wherever you are. I would prefer getting an email, but that's just me.

[amaysngrace]

If he surfs he's probably not use to wearing jewelry too often. It's probably not a thing for him.

 

I don't think you should send him a letter either. I think you should probably just talk to him. Can you talk to him without crying?

 

Instead of pouring your heart out to him about how it's been making you feel just flat out ask him "when are you free to go look at rings because it's feels like you keep blowing it off so when can we go or did you change your mind?"

[elaine567]

For some people both men and women; work, and domestic troubles just do not mix.

They do not want to be bothered with emotional and personal stuff, when they have work to do.

[siabe]

If he surfs he's probably not use to wearing jewelry too often. It's probably not a thing for him.

 

I don't think you should send him a letter either. I think you should probably just talk to him. Can you talk to him without crying?

 

Instead of pouring your heart out to him about how it's been making you feel just flat out ask him "when are you free to go look at rings because it's feels like you keep blowing it off so when can we go or did you change your mind?"

 

 

I surf too and I don't wear much jewelry, but I'd love to have some a ring to show commitment. And it's not like we surf a lot, we maybe go 1-2x a week for a few hours.

 

I could talk to him without crying depending if he gets angry or not. If he could talk to me in a normal tone I wouldn't cry. But when he gets mad and starts ignoring me it's just like a punch in the face and I get desperate and cannot hold back the tears, maybe he thinks it's manipulation but it really isn't.

 

I already did ask him this ("When are you free to go look at rings because I feel like you always blow it off") and he responded twice with "Next Wednesday/Next Saturday" and both times he blew me off again because other things seemed more important.

[BlueIris]

The problem isn’t the ring. The problem is how he is handling this and treating you.

 

You said that you live together. Are you both on a lease together? Or is one of you the tenant and the other lives there too?

[siabe]

The problem isn’t the ring. The problem is how he is handling this and treating you.

 

You said that you live together. Are you both on a lease together? Or is one of you the tenant and the other lives there too?

 

We're both on the lease and pay an equal share of the apt and the utilities. We actually just moved to a new apt two months ago.

[BlueIris]

Have you talked to the landlord about getting off the lease?

 

I'm not telling you to make a decision. Just see what options you have.

[siabe]

Not yet. I've been worrying about that too because we signed a one year lease and we've just been living here for two months. Not quite sure if/how I get out of this (because I'm sure my still-bf wouldn't want to keep the place because it's quite big and expensive for a single person)

[BlueIris]

Not yet. I've been worrying about that too because we signed a one year lease and we've just been living here for two months. Not quite sure if/how I get out of this (because I'm sure my still-bf wouldn't want to keep the place because it's quite big and expensive for a single person)

 

Exactly. And of course you have. Perfectly natural. It's better to know than to worry. So, first step: Study your lease. Are sublets allowed? If so, they probably need landlord approval. Do they? Then, is this a desirable property? Do you think you could get a tenant for it if you and BF have to move out? There's a lot to consider on this issue, but you aren't trapped. There are always answers to everything.

 

I went through this same scenario when my daughter signed a lease with her BF and moved out when things went bad. But she stayed with him too long because of the financial ties- the lease. I wish she hadn't. But we did work things out, even after the BF got difficult.

[Mittens]

I've been where you are. I was with my ex H for 5 years, he was exactly the same, didn't see the point in getting married. I hit 30, basically told him that it was what I wanted, he half-heartedly proposed.

 

Like your guy, he told me that engagement rings were a waste of money, and he wasn't going to wear a wedding ring. I tried to get him to look at engagement rings, he refused. Even did the same thing as going into a jewellery store with him, tried to get him to look. All I got was what a waste of money they were. I ended up buying my own. It took him a full YEAR to tell his family, friends etc that we were engaged. We got married eventually. He left me outside the registry office and wandered off with his friends to the reception hall (it was about 500 yards down the road). I remember being stood there thinking 'surely he's going to notice I'm not with them, and come back for me' Nope. I waited a full 10 minutes more. He didn't come back, I had to walk into our wedding reception on my own. He then sulked...actually sulked like a 10 year old child...during the wedding reception, because he didn't like the way the tables were set out. Friends of ours were giving him the side eye and whispering to themselves because he looked so miserable. I've never been so embarrassed in my life...

 

Plain truth that I had ignored for 5 years is that he just didn't want to be married, he truly didn't see the point. I should have listened to what he said in the beginning. I ended up wasting 10 years on the guy. Instead of getting engaged, we should have split up. I was never a priority to him...like your boyfriend, his friends/hobbies always took precedence over me. I can't begin to explain how truly lonely it is being married to someone who never wants to spend time with you, who you know in your heart doesn't really respect you.

 

This guy doesn't respect you. Find someone who does.

[elaine567]

I've been where you are. I was with my ex H for 5 years, he was exactly the same, didn't see the point in getting married. I hit 30, basically told him that it was what I wanted, he half-heartedly proposed.

 

Like your guy, he told me that engagement rings were a waste of money, and he wasn't going to wear a wedding ring. I tried to get him to look at engagement rings, he refused. Even did the same thing as going into a jewellery store with him, tried to get him to look. All I got was what a waste of money they were. I ended up buying my own. It took him a full YEAR to tell his family, friends etc that we were engaged. We got married eventually. He left me outside the registry office and wandered off with his friends to the reception hall (it was about 500 yards down the road). I remember being stood there thinking 'surely he's going to notice I'm not with them, and come back for me' Nope. I waited a full 10 minutes more. He didn't come back, I had to walk into our wedding reception on my own. He then sulked...actually sulked like a 10 year old child...during the wedding reception, because he didn't like the way the tables were set out. Friends of ours were giving him the side eye and whispering to themselves because he looked so miserable. I've never been so embarrassed in my life...

 

Plain truth that I had ignored for 5 years is that he just didn't want to be married, he truly didn't see the point. I should have listened to what he said in the beginning. I ended up wasting 10 years on the guy. Instead of getting engaged, we should have split up. I was never a priority to him...like your boyfriend, his friends/hobbies always took precedence over me. I can't begin to explain how truly lonely it is being married to someone who never wants to spend time with you, who you know in your heart doesn't really respect you.

 

This guy doesn't respect you. Find someone who does.

What a sad story Mittens.

Hugs.

[siabe]

I've been where you are. I was with my ex H for 5 years, he was exactly the same, didn't see the point in getting married. I hit 30, basically told him that it was what I wanted, he half-heartedly proposed.

 

Like your guy, he told me that engagement rings were a waste of money, and he wasn't going to wear a wedding ring. I tried to get him to look at engagement rings, he refused. Even did the same thing as going into a jewellery store with him, tried to get him to look. All I got was what a waste of money they were. I ended up buying my own. It took him a full YEAR to tell his family, friends etc that we were engaged. We got married eventually. He left me outside the registry office and wandered off with his friends to the reception hall (it was about 500 yards down the road). I remember being stood there thinking 'surely he's going to notice I'm not with them, and come back for me' Nope. I waited a full 10 minutes more. He didn't come back, I had to walk into our wedding reception on my own. He then sulked...actually sulked like a 10 year old child...during the wedding reception, because he didn't like the way the tables were set out. Friends of ours were giving him the side eye and whispering to themselves because he looked so miserable. I've never been so embarrassed in my life...

 

Plain truth that I had ignored for 5 years is that he just didn't want to be married, he truly didn't see the point. I should have listened to what he said in the beginning. I ended up wasting 10 years on the guy. Instead of getting engaged, we should have split up. I was never a priority to him...like your boyfriend, his friends/hobbies always took precedence over me. I can't begin to explain how truly lonely it is being married to someone who never wants to spend time with you, who you know in your heart doesn't really respect you.

 

This guy doesn't respect you. Find someone who does.

 

That sounds terrible, I'm sorry. Do you know at what point of his life your ex husband is now? Did he get married again? Still single?

[stillafool]

I surf too and I don't wear much jewelry, but I'd love to have some a ring to show commitment. And it's not like we surf a lot, we maybe go 1-2x a week for a few hours.

 

I could talk to him without crying depending if he gets angry or not. If he could talk to me in a normal tone I wouldn't cry. But when he gets mad and starts ignoring me it's just like a punch in the face and I get desperate and cannot hold back the tears, maybe he thinks it's manipulation but it really isn't.

 

I already did ask him this ("When are you free to go look at rings because I feel like you always blow it off") and he responded twice with "Next Wednesday/Next Saturday" and both times he blew me off again because other things seemed more important.

 

My God girl, why would you want to marry a man that you can't even talk to without him getting angry. You are actually AFRAID to talk to the man you want to marry. Communication is definitely one of the most important factors when choosing a mate. Without it you will cry tears of frustration every day of your life. Is that the type of marriage you want? Put on your big girl panties and tell this man what you feel and want.

[Mr. Lucky]

I already did ask him this ("When are you free to go look at rings because I feel like you always blow it off") and he responded twice with "Next Wednesday/Next Saturday" and both times he blew me off again because other things seemed more important.

 

Siabe, if he DIDN'T want to marry you, in your mind what kind of actions/behaviors would he exhibit?

 

Mr. Lucky

[Mittens]

That sounds terrible, I'm sorry. Do you know at what point of his life your ex husband is now? Did he get married again? Still single?

 

We are still friends, I see him and his live-in girlfriend of 5 years quite regularly. He will never marry again, and his girlfriend is of the same mind. About a year after I left he admitted that he'd never really wanted to marry, and apologised for being such a crappy husband.

 

He's far happier than he was when he was married to me. I'm sorry that I forced - and let's be blunt, I did force him - into something that he really didn't want. I would NEVER debase myself like I did back then. I cringe when I think of the scenes I had with, trying to get him to buy me an engagement ring. Most of all though, I'm sorry that I acted so desperate...no matter how much time goes by, out there is someone who saw me being very very pathetic.

 

I now value myself and my dignity.

[siabe]

So, we talked.

 

He said he just suddenly felt a lot of pressure on him which he didn't like and felt that I was in a total hurry to get married. I told him that he was the one who brought it up in the first place and even agreed we could get married this summer. Six months planning isn't a hurry at all. I told him the problem is I cannot read his mind and if he keeps saying we will look at rings and plan something I will believe him. He admitted that it was his mistake that he kept going with it and didn't tell me that it's too much pressure.

 

I told him I need to know if he's completely sure about me or not. He said he's totally sure and he wants to marry me, but he wants it to happen naturally and without pressure. I asked him about a timeline. He said he doesn't know. I said 'One year? Three years? Five?" he said "Less than three years". He also said he would get me a ring for a proposal because that's important to me.

 

I don't know what to do. Now we talked, but I'm still sad. In summer this year we will have been together for three years. So now he says I have to wait longer and he doesn't even know how long, maybe more than two years more. How can I be sure he does't just say that to keep me around and in two years he will tell me that he still 'wants it to happen naturally'? I want to believe him, but I'm not sure if I can. Plus I don't get why it would take a man over 30, who's financially stable etc and is 'absolutely sure' about me, 5 years or so in total to get engaged.

[badpenny]

Some things to consider:

 

Your age;

Whether you want children;

whether you REALLY want children with this man (considering his obvious issues....)

 

What is it you really want?

Why did you keep putting the ball in his court to make all the decisions?

 

He says he wants to marry you.

Well if he wants to marry you, then if he's sure that's what he want, you're sure you want to get married this fall.

And it seems he's expecting you to take his decisions for a [final] answer, so how about you start laying down something you want?

 

Why does this all have to be his way??

[stillmind]

Siabe, he doesn't want to marry you. He just wants to keep you hanging around.

[badpenny]

I have to agree... this vague promise of doing something in the future, lets him off the hook, takes the pressure away and shuts you up.

 

But you're none the happier for his answers, are you?

[elaine567]

Siabe, he doesn't want to marry you. He just wants to keep you hanging around.

 

I am afraid so.

 

YOU are correct Siabe he is over 30 and not 18 and an immature little boy.

You have already been with him for ~3 years.

He is stringing you along and I have seen this before.

"Engaged" for years, eventually they split because he won't commit properly and he gets married within 2 years to someone else, wedding, kids the lot...

[CarrieT]

Plus I don't get why it would take a man over 30, who's financially stable etc and is 'absolutely sure' about me, 5 years or so in total to get engaged.

 

It doesn't.

 

Listen to your gut and all the red flags involved. He wants it to happen "naturally" or "organically" - whatever...

 

Cut your losses, but quick! He is not the guy for you.

 

You are sad and you don't need to be, although the initial break-up will hurt a bit. But you will survive and - I believe - in the long run, but much happier to find a guy who really wants to be with you.