Do they always come back?

[Lisax3]

Me and my boyfriend had a really good relationship got on so well and everything was good, he's self employed and works more and there was a lot more stress surrounding his family and work. He doesnt deal well with stress. Once he started becoming distant I tried harder with him thinking I was to blame he just told me how stressed he was etc. Id broke up with him before however WiThin an hour Id already messaged him saying Id made a mistake and we had got back together. Things seemed ok after a while and I started nagging again and I finished with him again this Sunday I told him I was moving on and I didn't need him treating me this way. He said he didn't know what he wanted right now as there was so much going on. I haven't contacted him since then. I'm just hoping no contact really works. I've deleted him off everything also and he contacted me later that day saying it didn't take you long to move on (because I liked a guys pic on Instagram)

 

I need advice!!!

[quattrob]

I can sort of relate to your ex because I've been there before, my dad was in a serious condition in the hospital and I was stressed out at work. During this period of time I didn't want my gf to get involved, I just wanted my own space. But she didn't listen to my needs at that time. And it made me feel like I don't want to be in a relationship.

 

What I'm trying to say is for some people if there's really a lot going on in their life, their minds don't have you the way they should. And they need to solve their stress problems before they can. They just need some support and time to figure it out. It may sound selfish of them to not do things with you or give you the attention you need but I think it's good to compromise and think of their situation.

 

Anyways regarding your title's question, you should never use NC to try to get someone back, it's mainly for you to reflect, heal and move on. If you're using it as a tool to get someone back then you're playing the wrong type of game.

 

 

If the relationship was good and you treat them well, you'll eventually hear from them. But whether they want to come back for a second chance, that's totally up to each individual.

[Lisax3]

Thanks for your reply

So what would you recommend I do in order to get him back?

[NopeNah]

Thanks for your reply

So what would you recommend I do in order to get him back?

 

Honestly? Do nothing,as there's really nothing you can do.

[quattrob]

Thanks for your reply

So what would you recommend I do in order to get him back?

 

 

Honestly you don't and shouldn't do anything. Let him reach out to you when he's ready. You need to have the mindset where you're ok with or without him.

 

 

Right now he needs his own space to figure out whatever he needs to figure out. If you try to do things to try and get him back, it'll only push him away. Best thing to do is just focus on yourself. He'll come back to you when he decides to, and there's nothing you do that can drag him back, it'll push him away if you do.

[Lisax3]

Thanks quatrob.. Do you think there is someone else as he's gone on a dating website after I liked that guys picture he said he was p****d off I did it and thought I was moving on. Is he actually moving on from me now?

[quattrob]

Thanks quatrob.. Do you think there is someone else as he's gone on a dating website after I liked that guys picture he said he was p****d off I did it and thought I was moving on. Is he actually moving on from me now?

 

 

I don't think you should read too much into what he does or doesn't do anymore. He could be with someone or not, it shouldn't stop you from moving on. You should and need to move on regardless. It's the only way. When I say you should move on, you need to do that because you shouldn't be waiting around for someone's indecisiveness, it's not fair to you and selfish of him if you do. So please don't do anything to try and get him back.

Edited February 25, 2015 by quattrob

[Ruby65]

It seems you're going to keep starting threads asking the same questions over and over until someone tells you what you hope to hear.

 

But I don't think there's anyone that's going to tell you anything other than you have to move on. He's not been honest and given you excuses -- and you're trying to draw hope from these things he's said which are likely not even true....

 

He became distant because he was losing interest. Your neediness in response to that made him lose even more interest. And so on. It's a common dynamic.

 

No, they don't *always* come back. In fact, they *rarely* come back for good.

 

Best bet, once again, is to accept the breakup and try to move on.

 

Here's a guide that will help you: http://www.breakuprecoveryguide.com

[CrystalShine2011]

I would continue to ignore him, and just move on. Sounds like you're better for it.

[CrystalShine2011]

[boyfriend Writing] nah, forget that advice, if he commented on how quickly you moved on then he's obviously jealous and still cares about you. If you completely ignore him, and he believes you've moved on, he may move on to spite you. I would try telling him you needed some space, and if you want to continue to date that's fine but it's on your terms. You should get a few nice dinners and dates out of that. Who knows, maybe by then he'll have figured out what's really worth his time, and you'll have a better relationship from it. Or you may figure out you're better off without him.

[Cedar27]

The people who instantly remove their ex out of their life via social media blocking, deleting photos, etc. to me are not processing things in a healthy way. They want to ignore, forget, and in a sense delete their ex out of their life. Come days, weeks, or months the raw emotions will come crashing down. Also, this may backfire as your ex may interpret it as overly cold, and think that they really never mattered much to begin with if you are this quick to toss them in the trash like junk mail.

 

This man was a big part of your life for a long time. No contact is NOT a tool to getting your ex back, it is a tool for healing yourself. In some ways, no contact gives the two of you a cooling down period which may help the reconciliation process but in no way should you be using it primarily as a method to get him back.

 

If you want him back, i'd suggest telling him. Reach out to him one last time. Own up to the things you need to work on, apologize for what you've done, tell him how much you care, you want to give it another shot, and then see what he says. If he wants no part of it, don't try to negotiate or convince him to take you back. Say you you will leave him alone for now, but you've said your peace. If he changes his mind he has your number, but at a certain point you will have to try and move on too.

 

By the way, exes do come back. I don't know the percentage, but it is certainly not as low as the people here make it out to be. My brother for example was left by his current wife in college for almost a year. They've now been happily married for 25 years with two kids. Many loveshack posters would have told him it was done, go no contact forever and never take her back. Another person I know just got married to a woman, and they are so in love. They broke up years back and dated other people before realizing they were meant to be together.

 

People come to this site in crisis full of bitterness and negativity about a break up. Those that reconcile don't flock to these websites as much to tell their stories. They are usually too busy and happy to think about it. However, if you go to enotalone they have a giant thread with with thousands of stories of reconciliation. Loveshack has a bit more of a jaded bent to its content. That being said, don't get your hopes up unrealistically but don't think that reconciliation will never happen. If its meant to be it will be, and many happy couples have at one point broken up. Sometimes it brings them back stronger. Life isn't black and white.

Edited February 26, 2015 by Cedar27

[NopeNah]

The people who instantly remove their ex out of their life via social media blocking, deleting photos, etc. to me are not processing things in a healthy way. They want to ignore, forget, and in a sense delete their ex out of their life. Come days, weeks, or months the raw emotions will come crashing down. Also, this may backfire as your ex may interpret it as overly cold, and think that they really never mattered much to begin with if you are this quick to toss them in the trash like junk mail.

 

This man was a big part of your life for a long time. No contact is NOT a tool to getting your ex back, it is a tool for healing yourself. In some ways, no contact gives the two of you a cooling down period which may help the reconciliation process but in no way should you be using it primarily as a method to get him back.

 

If you want him back, i'd suggest telling him. Reach out to him one last time. Own up to the things you need to work on, apologize for what you've done, tell him how much you care, you want to give it another shot, and then see what he says. If he wants no part of it, don't try to negotiate or convince him to take you back. Say you you will leave him alone for now, but you've said your peace. If he changes his mind he has your number, but at a certain point you will have to try and move on too.

 

By the way, exes do come back. I don't know the percentage, but it is certainly not as low as the people here make it out to be. My brother for example was left by his current wife in college for almost a year. They've now been happily married for 25 years with two kids. Many loveshack posters would have told him it was done, go no contact forever and never take her back. Another person I know just got married to a woman, and they are so in love. They broke up years back and dated other people before realizing they were meant to be together.

 

People come to this site in crisis full of bitterness and negativity about a break up. Those that reconcile don't flock to these websites as much to tell their stories. They are usually too busy and happy to think about it. However, if you go to enotalone they have a giant thread with with thousands of stories of reconciliation. Loveshack has a bit more of a jaded bent to its content. That being said, don't get your hopes up unrealistically but don't think that reconciliation will never happen. If its meant to be it will be, and many happy couples have at one point broken up. Sometimes it brings them back stronger. Life isn't black and white.

 

Every single ex(weather they left me or I left them) of mine has ALWAYS came back,some multiple times. Maybe it's the women I date?... I like to think it's just because I'm awesome.

[Cedar27]

Every single ex(weather they left me or I left them) of mine has ALWAYS came back,some multiple times. Maybe it's the women I date?... I like to think it's just because I'm awesome.

 

Lol tell me your secret. I gave up on trying to get mine back, but maybe that's the key?

[Ruby65]

By the way, exes do come back. I don't know the percentage, but it is certainly not as low as the people here make it out to be. My brother for example was left by his current wife in college for almost a year. They've now been happily married for 25 years with two kids. Many loveshack posters would have told him it was done, go no contact forever and never take her back. Another person I know just got married to a woman, and they are so in love. They broke up years back and dated other people before realizing they were meant to be together.

 

People come to this site in crisis full of bitterness and negativity about a break up. Those that reconcile don't flock to these websites as much to tell their stories. They are usually too busy and happy to think about it.

 

Lasting reconciliations happen when the DUMPER makes it happen, not when the dumpee continues to stay in contact hoping to change their minds.

 

It's cruel to encourage people to reach out -- especially so soon after a breakup, when there's the least likely chance of reconciliation. Most breakups ARE permanent.

 

I can't speak for anyone else on this site, but I came because I AM a successful reconciliation story and wanted to share my insight based on that experience.

[erklat]

No one said that we are bitter or jaded but reading reconciliation stories

Waiting for return of prodigal ex is no way to live your life.

 

I also contacted all of my exes years after, but what do you expect? If they

were waiting for my return that would be a first red flag for me telling me

Something is not right.

[Simon Phoenix]

However, if you go to enotalone they have a giant thread with with thousands of stories of reconciliation.

 

As someone who is also on Enotalone, this is an unbelievable exaggeration. The thread you are referencing has 1,774 posts over six years. If you really think all of those are different reconciliations, I don't know what to tell you. Most of the posts in that thread are people asking the reconciled for advice and looking for hope, not of 1,774 separate reconciliations.

 

You are right that successful reconciliations do happen. No one questions that. But they happen typically when both parties bury the previous relationship, which is what going No Contact/blocking social media/not talking does. People on this site don't tell people that there's no chance because they are mean (even though you seem to think most on here are bitter and awful). They say that because for there to be a chance at reconciliation or moving on, both parties have to move forward from the previous relationship. For the dumpee, that means they have to give up hope of reconciling the old relationship. That's not a negative thing -- the old relationship died, who wants to go back to a relationship that died? Wouldn't you rather have a relationship that's new, fresh, has a better chance of success? That can happen with the same person, but it takes a lot of healing, learning, evolving, by both parties for that to happen. And that will never happen if the dumpee is orbiting the dumper, whether its via social media or just "checking in". Instead of yelling at the clouds calling everyone bitter, you might want to examine the reasons for why people advise the way they advise. Sure, some are bitter, but most are telling people what they NEED to hear at that time, not what they WANT to hear. There's a method to that "bitterness".

 

I know of several successful reconciliations (my sister got married to a man who broke up with her at one point), but I also know they are the exception to the rule. And the several I know had a nearly identical pattern; both parties detach for a considerable amount of time (six months to decades) and both put the old relationship in the past and do a considerable amount of healing and evolving. And in every one, the dumper came back and "moved mountains" to get the dumpee to take them back. None of them had the dumpee orbiting around the dumper and checking up on them as you seem to be advising, or at the very least signing off on. If that's what you believe works, that's fine I guess, but I've never actually seen it work. Hell, I've even tried it in my younger, dumber days.

 

Either way, there's no need to just continually insult and belittle posters on here that you don't agree with. Calling people who don't agree with you bitter and jaded doesn't do anyone any good. Feel free to advise what you want to advise, but cut out the cheap shots. We're all just trying to help.

Edited February 26, 2015 by Simon Phoenix

[Lisax3]

Thanks for all your posts

 

Don't get me wrong I have thought about messaging trying to put this to the side, however on my last message to him I said I am guna be the bigger person and the thought of you touching or being with someone else is guna kill me but there's nothing I can do.. I have deleted you off social media nor because Im immature but because I can't deal with seeing things on there.. You know I love you so much but I guess I've got to move on.. Take care x

 

I never got a message back from this, and to be honest as much as I want to i don't think I should be the one trying to get him back.. When he said he doesn't know what he wants. If things are meant to be he will come back. But as the days are going on its learning me to come to terms with it more, and to be honest why would I want someone who doesn't know what they want and whether they would do it again? He obviously thinks the grass is greener, maybe it is, but I'm not waiting around no more thinking he's going to come back to me.

 

You've all helped me through this with your opinions and I appreciate that !

X

[Cedar27]

As someone who is also on Enotalone, this is an unbelievable exaggeration. The thread you are referencing has 1,774 posts over six years. If you really think all of those are different reconciliations, I don't know what to tell you. Most of the posts in that thread are people asking the reconciled for advice and looking for hope, not of 1,774 separate reconciliations.

 

You are right that successful reconciliations do happen. No one questions that. But they happen typically when both parties bury the previous relationship, which is what going No Contact/blocking social media/not talking does. People on this site don't tell people that there's no chance because they are mean (even though you seem to think most on here are bitter and awful). They say that because for there to be a chance at reconciliation or moving on, both parties have to move forward from the previous relationship. For the dumpee, that means they have to give up hope of reconciling the old relationship. That's not a negative thing -- the old relationship died, who wants to go back to a relationship that died? Wouldn't you rather have a relationship that's new, fresh, has a better chance of success? That can happen with the same person, but it takes a lot of healing, learning, evolving, by both parties for that to happen. And that will never happen if the dumpee is orbiting the dumper, whether its via social media or just "checking in". Instead of yelling at the clouds calling everyone bitter, you might want to examine the reasons for why people advise the way they advise. Sure, some are bitter, but most are telling people what they NEED to hear at that time, not what they WANT to hear. There's a method to that "bitterness".

 

I know of several successful reconciliations (my sister got married to a man who broke up with her at one point), but I also know they are the exception to the rule. And the several I know had a nearly identical pattern; both parties detach for a considerable amount of time (six months to decades) and both put the old relationship in the past and do a considerable amount of healing and evolving. And in every one, the dumper came back and "moved mountains" to get the dumpee to take them back. None of them had the dumpee orbiting around the dumper and checking up on them as you seem to be advising, or at the very least signing off on. If that's what you believe works, that's fine I guess, but I've never actually seen it work. Hell, I've even tried it in my younger, dumber days.

 

Either way, there's no need to just continually insult and belittle posters on here that you don't agree with. Calling people who don't agree with you bitter and jaded doesn't do anyone any good. Feel free to advise what you want to advise, but cut out the cheap shots. We're all just trying to help.

 

I don't disagree with you completely, and I do get that many here are genuinely trying to help. That being said, you can't deny there's an undercurrent of negativity and hopelessness on constant repeat here. Everyone's situation is different but the same old crap is dispensed one thread after another. Not every situation is a dumper vs dumpee, victimizer vs victim, etc. There's usually a lot more to it and we are getting one side. So it's very difficult for a person like myself to dispense strict advice every time I post.

 

Also, when you ask, who would rather go back to a relationship that died vs a new one that's fresh and fun? People who realize that any new relationship that's fresh and fun (if it even lasts more than a few months), will likely get to the same state of stale comfortability as the last one. Same problems. GIGS, trust issues, arguments, and incompatibility issues will likely fester eventually. A new relationship carries almost the same amount of risk of failing as reconciliation measures when you think about it. Same amount of hurt and pain for the person involved. At least with a prior relationship if you reconcile you can grow to a new place of strength and learning by working through things with a person you already know, while new relationships are a complete crapshoot from the get go. I think in some ways they both take the same amount of energy out of a person, and hold a similar amount of risk. That being said, reconciliation isn't for everybody, and I totally get that. However if it's what a person wants to pursue/consider we shouldn't always shoot it down with extreme prejudice like a broken record. We also shouldn't give them false hope.

 

I also never said reconciliation happens frequently, just that I believe it happens more often than some on here would like to believe. There's no stat we can pull up, but let's face it….this site is a very small sliver of overall relationships and tends to be geared towards those who are in a lot of pain because of a break up, not those who are happy experiencing reconciliation. Just like cancer forums are filled with those with recent diagnosis, but not as many stay around when their cancer goes into remission. It's definitely a small sample size, and a bias one at that. As for the enotalone forum, whether its thousands or hundreds of stories, who cares? They actually have a long thread devoted to it. I have a feeling a legitimate attempt on a long reconciliation thread on this site would be bombarded with naysayers every other post. Then it would turn into a huge debate and forced to be closed by mods. There just seems to be a different tone when it comes to this forum. One where the glass isn't even half empty, but there's not even any water in it.

 

I still enjoy posting here, but you got to admit….this site has a strong following of folks that have almost a cult like devotion to black and white thinking. If I keep seeing the same old groupthink repeated, i'm going to point it out sometimes so the OP knows that we aren't all robots and each of us has our own take. Then let the OP decide what's right for them. They have the right to hear a number of different opinions without us always bickering over it. This is their thread, not ours.

 

This is also a public forum, and I will continue to speak my mind about what I think about some posters here and i'll repeat it when I think it's relevant. You are free to disagree with me. No hard feelings. If I step on anyones toes, so be it. I'm not telling people to hold onto their prior relationships like grim death, nor am I telling them to jump and never look back. All i'm doing is giving my opinion. I also want to say I have a lot of respect for you. Your posts are well thought out and are given in a simple and logical way. You and I probably have more in common than we think when it comes to giving advice, we just say it in different ways.

Edited February 26, 2015 by Cedar27

[erklat]

You did not understand at all what Simon meant with the fresh relationship.

 

Reconciliation with your partner without through change of personality will

end in the same pattern you both are used to.

[Cedar27]

You did not understand at all what Simon meant with the fresh relationship.

 

Reconciliation with your partner without through change of personality will

end in the same pattern you both are used to.

 

Agree with this completely ^

[Simon Phoenix]

Agree with this completely ^

 

Which is exactly why the No Contact measures that you seem to dismiss are in place. You can't get to the next step without putting the past in the past and keeping them on social media/checking in not only stifles that progress via false hope and hanging on to a thread, but also puts them through a gauntlet of pain and anguish in the process.

 

Yes, I would rather go to a new relationship than revisit one that died. Instead of going to me and my ex circa 2013, I'd much rather go to me and ex 2.0 circa 2015, where both parties have grown and evolved. It's much more prudent to take the things I've learned about myself and dealing with other people into a new relationship with the new person than trying to fit a square peg in a round hole and going back to a relationship that died with no greater knowledge and awareness. It's asking for failure.

 

You also have to realize that most of the dumpees that come on here aren't nearly in the state of mind to make rational, prudent decision in terms of dealing with their ex. By "giving them hope" of reconciliation, you are giving a green light to do all of the destructive things dumpees do in the immediate aftermath of a breakup (calling, sending flowers, texting, facebook stalking), even if that's not your intention. Most can't settle down and process the correct way to conduct themselves, so the "giving up hope", while it sounds nice, is usually gasoline on a fire that's already raging out of control.

 

Anyway, I guess what my point is is that there's a method to the madness. And I honestly don't think this site is any more bitter than ENotAlone -- I think they are relatively equal. Either way, this isn't a political smear campaign -- you don't need to dress up your points by calling divergent posters bitter or jaded or any other names. It's not cool and just takes away from your point.

[erklat]

I don't recall seeing you suffer like I do with most of other members.

 

I have a feeling like you immediately knew what you had to do

[mineral27]

I still enjoy posting here, but you got to admit….this site has a strong following of folks that have almost a cult like devotion to black and white thinking.

 

I must say, I couldn't agree with this more!

 

I enjoy reading/posting on this forum, but nothing in life is black and white. It's easiest to oversimplify and seems a lot of people here are inclined to do so.

Black and white thinking creates quite unrealistic views and expectations and I've seen it backfire many, many times.

Edited February 26, 2015 by mineral27

[organizedchaos]

The people who instantly remove their ex out of their life via social media blocking, deleting photos, etc. to me are not processing things in a healthy way. They want to ignore, forget, and in a sense delete their ex out of their life. Come days, weeks, or months the raw emotions will come crashing down. Also, this may backfire as your ex may interpret it as overly cold, and think that they really never mattered much to begin with if you are this quick to toss them in the trash like junk mail.

 

This makes no sense. It wasn't overtly cold and you meant so much to your ex that they dumped you and tossed you in the trash? So you should be concerned about hurting THEIR feelings???

 

 

This man was a big part of your life for a long time. No contact is NOT a tool to getting your ex back, it is a tool for healing yourself. In some ways, no contact gives the two of you a cooling down period which may help the reconciliation process but in no way should you be using it primarily as a method to get him back.

 

Agreed. This is what everyone here says as well.

 

If you want him back, i'd suggest telling him. Reach out to him one last time. Own up to the things you need to work on, apologize for what you've done, tell him how much you care, you want to give it another shot, and then see what he says. If he wants no part of it, don't try to negotiate or convince him to take you back. Say you you will leave him alone for now, but you've said your peace. If he changes his mind he has your number, but at a certain point you will have to try and move on too.

 

Agreed. This is what everyone here says as well.

 

By the way, exes do come back. I don't know the percentage, but it is certainly not as low as the people here make it out to be. My brother for example was left by his current wife in college for almost a year. They've now been happily married for 25 years with two kids. Many loveshack posters would have told him it was done, go no contact forever and never take her back. Another person I know just got married to a woman, and they are so in love. They broke up years back and dated other people before realizing they were meant to be together.

 

No they wouldn't. They'd tell him to go NC until the ex beats down your door and makes it clear they want to try again.

 

People come to this site in crisis full of bitterness and negativity about a break up. Those that reconcile don't flock to these websites as much to tell their stories. They are usually too busy and happy to think about it. However, if you go to enotalone they have a giant thread with with thousands of stories of reconciliation. Loveshack has a bit more of a jaded bent to its content. That being said, don't get your hopes up unrealistically but don't think that reconciliation will never happen. If its meant to be it will be, and many happy couples have at one point broken up. Sometimes it brings them back stronger. Life isn't black and white.

 

Yes, key point is don't get your hopes up.

[Cedar27]

Which is exactly why the No Contact measures that you seem to dismiss are in place. You can't get to the next step without putting the past in the past and keeping them on social media/checking in not only stifles that progress via false hope and hanging on to a thread, but also puts them through a gauntlet of pain and anguish in the process.

 

Yes, I would rather go to a new relationship than revisit one that died. Instead of going to me and my ex circa 2013, I'd much rather go to me and ex 2.0 circa 2015, where both parties have grown and evolved. It's much more prudent to take the things I've learned about myself and dealing with other people into a new relationship with the new person than trying to fit a square peg in a round hole and going back to a relationship that died with no greater knowledge and awareness. It's asking for failure.

 

You also have to realize that most of the dumpees that come on here aren't nearly in the state of mind to make rational, prudent decision in terms of dealing with their ex. By "giving them hope" of reconciliation, you are giving a green light to do all of the destructive things dumpees do in the immediate aftermath of a breakup (calling, sending flowers, texting, facebook stalking), even if that's not your intention. Most can't settle down and process the correct way to conduct themselves, so the "giving up hope", while it sounds nice, is usually gasoline on a fire that's already raging out of control.

 

Anyway, I guess what my point is is that there's a method to the madness. And I honestly don't think this site is any more bitter than ENotAlone -- I think they are relatively equal. Either way, this isn't a political smear campaign -- you don't need to dress up your points by calling divergent posters bitter or jaded or any other names. It's not cool and just takes away from your point.

 

I agree with you that in most cases no contact is the way to go. I also know that many times its helpful for some people to make one last go of trying to get the relationship to work, and in some cases perhaps LC might be a way back to a healthy relationship. Reconciliation happens in many ways. It's not always as simple as one person comes back begging (the dumper), although that usually is the best indicator of a successful reconciliation. I would also agree that most successful reconciliations take time, but not always. Some people immediately get what they need to do (light bulb goes off) and will do anything it takes to make things work when a person leaves them. If the dumper realizes they made a mistake soon after, and the dumpee then reaches out and expresses their desire to get back, what's the harm? Sounds to me like that would be a successful reconciliation. Can't hurt to try once.

 

I simply advised her to reach out one last time to own up to everything and say her peace, wait for her ex's reaction, then go NC. I never said to send flowers, stalk, beg, or negotiate. In fact I gave her instructions NOT to negotiate or try to convince her ex into take her back. I would never advocate begging, stalking, sending flowers, etc. Simply contacting your ex one time, expressing your feelings in a mature and level headed way, and leaving it at that is perfectly reasonable if you ask me. Now, if they aren't in an emotionally healthy place to do this, and will inevitably beg, plead, cry, or get into some huge drawn out argument with their ex….well then they shouldn't do it.

 

I think your argument is that if OP and dumper do get back together right now, they haven't learned anything and are in no place to rekindle things. Perhaps. For all we know the OP is at a place right now where if she was given a second chance she would run with it, and all she needs to do is have an open and honest conversation with her ex who realizes what he's going to lose. I mean, what's the worst that can happen? She reaches out once, he says no. Then NC. I can't imagine that is going to cause much harm, if anything it may just give closure. The dumpee can walk away and say they said their peace, and now it's NC time.

 

Finally, just telling people that in general, reconciliation is possible isn't giving them the green light to do anything. Telling them there is little to no chance is not only false and an overgeneralization, but that isn't going to help the dumper to let go completely. Letting go of hope is a process. Our words or statements won't be able to speed it up or slow it down, it happens naturally.

 

It sounds like you and I probably agree mostly. I think the main issue you have is you don't like me calling people on this site jaded and bitter. I'm not directing it at any one person. Just the overall tone I see a lot. I'm sorry you find it unhelpful, but I think its relevant sometimes to point out to people. I don't want any poster to think they have a good chance of reconciliation, nor do I want them to think all hope is lost. I just want them to have a balanced view of their situation so they can make appropriate choices. If everyone is saying red, red, red, all at once i'll say yellow once if I think it is appropriate. Can't hurt to have diversity of opinion when going through a crisis.

 

This will be my last post in relation to this debate, as I don't want to take any more attention away from the OP's thread.

Edited February 27, 2015 by Cedar27