Do they always come back?

[Simon Phoenix]

I agree with you that in many, many cases no contact is the way to go. I also know that many times its probably helpful for some people to make one last go of trying to get the relationship to work, and in some cases perhaps LC might be a way back to a healthy relationship. Reconciliation happens in many ways. It's not always as simple as one person comes back begging (the dumper). We'd all like it that way, yes…but life isn't always that simple and all relationships are different. I would also agree that most successful reconciliations take time, but not always. Some people immediately get what they need to do and will do anything it takes the second a person leaves them. If the dumper realizes they made a mistake and the dumpee then reaches out and expresses their desire to get back, what's the harm? Sounds to me like that would be a successful reconciliation.

 

The question the OP asked is if reconciliation was possible. The answer is I gave is yes, of course. Yet there are not statistics to pull up, and DONT get your hopes up unrealistically. My point in telling OP that this site had a negative streak to it wasn't to give false hope, it was to remind OP that not everything is all or none.

 

I also advised her to reach out one last time to own up to everything and say her peace, see the reaction, then go NC. I never said to send flowers, stalk, beg, or negotiate. In fact I gave her instructions NOT to negotiate or try to convince her ex into take her back. I would never advocate begging, stalking, sending flowers, etc. Simply contacting your ex one time, expressing your feelings in a mature and level headed way, and leaving it at that is perfectly reasonable if you ask me. Now, if they aren't in an emotionally healthy place to do this, and will inevitably beg, plead, cry, or get into some huge drawn out argument with their ex….well then they shouldn't do it.

 

I think your argument is that if OP and dumper do get back together right now, they haven't learned anything and are in no place to rekindle things. Perhaps. For all we know the OP is at a place right now where if she was given a second chance she would run with it, and all she needs to do is have an open and honest conversation with her ex who realizes what he's going to lose. I mean, what's the worst that can happen? She reaches out once, he says no. Then NC. I can't imagine that is going to cause much harm, if anything it may just give closure. The dumpee can walk away and say they said their peace, and now it's NC time.

 

Finally, just telling people that in general, reconciliation is possible isn't giving them the green light to do anything. Telling them there is little chance is not only false and an overgeneralization, it isn't going to help the dumper to let go completely. Letting go of hope is a process. Our words or statements won't be able to speed it up or slow it down, it happens naturally. I know you don't like me calling people on this site jaded and bitter, but i'm not really directing it at any one person. Just the overall tone I see sometimes. I'm sorry you find it unhelpful, but I think it's relevant sometimes to point out to people. I don't want any poster to think they have a good chance of reconciliation, nor do I want them to think all hope is probably lost. I want them to have a balanced realistic view of their situation so they can make appropriate choices.

 

In my opinion LC works only if the dumpee truly has no expectations and isn't emotionally invested like they were at the time of the break. If their emotions have reset, then they can LC all they want and I'd be cool with it. But usually those people aren't on boards like this asking for advice on how to proceed -- they just go with it. It's all about knowing the audience, and the vast majority of people who come to sites like this asking for advice on how to get their ex back aren't going to handle LC very well at all.

 

As for the one last attempt, I actually agree. But once again, I truly believe that people exhaust that option before posting on sites like this, usually right after it happens. Going back and doing it again doesn't really serve much of a purpose IMO.

 

And the vast majority of relationships that get into a rapid breakup-makeup pattern stay chaotic. I'm sure there's one or two in the world that actually end up working and getting better after a short break, but there are also people that can wolf down two foot-long meatball subs from Subway in one meal regularly and not gain weight. That's not going to make me advise that as a viable diet option though, as most people will start packing on pounds super quick.

 

But yeah, basically my main beef with you is the putting down of posters with divergent opinions by labeling them. It really does undermine what you are saying when you take it to that level. You seem like you are intelligent (even though I disagree with many of your thoughts), so there's no need to take cheap shots. Let your points and justifications speak for themselves

[Cedar27]

In my opinion LC works only if the dumpee truly has no expectations and isn't emotionally invested like they were at the time of the break. If their emotions have reset, then they can LC all they want and I'd be cool with it. But usually those people aren't on boards like this asking for advice on how to proceed -- they just go with it. It's all about knowing the audience, and the vast majority of people who come to sites like this asking for advice on how to get their ex back aren't going to handle LC very well at all.

 

Agreed completely.

 

As for the one last attempt, I actually agree. But once again, I truly believe that people exhaust that option before posting on sites like this, usually right after it happens. Going back and doing it again doesn't really serve much of a purpose IMO.

True, and in most every case where I see this I don't advise to go back and say anything more. If the dumper was interested they would have jumped at the chance the first time the dumpee reached out. After the first or second time of being rejected, the dumpee is just beating a dead horse and keeping themselves from moving on.

 

And the vast majority of relationships that get into a rapid breakup-makeup pattern stay chaotic.

I agree that relationships that have a tendency to be on again/off again are usually doomed. Yet a lot of people come here who have just broken up for the first time. I think for many of them they come here in a high level of crisis. Its a huge wake up call and a light bulb does go off. What about them? If they are ready and the dumper takes them back (and isn't doing it out of pity or familiarity), I think they stand a good chance no matter how long they were apart.

 

But yeah, basically my main beef with you is the putting down of posters with divergent opinions by labeling them. It really does undermine what you are saying when you take it to that level. You seem like you are intelligent (even though I disagree with many of your thoughts), so there's no need to take cheap shots. Let your points and justifications speak for themselves

Alright, i'll stop using words like jaded and bitter to describe the site. If anything, I think most people will see it for themselves without me having to point it out which seems to only piss other people off. I also agree that it probably does take away from what I say, especially when I get into it with other posters and that takes even more away from thread itself.

[Cedar27]

This makes no sense. It wasn't overtly cold and you meant so much to your ex that they dumped you and tossed you in the trash? So you should be concerned about hurting THEIR feelings???

 

Immediately deleting and throwing things away often is sometimes more of a delaying tactic or a bold statement to be vindictive than an actual healing tool. If it is truly a healing tool then I support it.

 

No they wouldn't. They'd tell him to go NC until the ex beats down your door and makes it clear they want to try again.

I have seen numerous times posters advise people on here to not take their ex back no matter what unfortunately. Sometimes reconciliations happen when one person reaches out and says "Hi", and then it takes off from there. Still, the best chance of reconciliation is when the ex comes back with clear intentions…don't disagree with you there.

[Simon Phoenix]

I agree that relationships that have a tendency to be on again/off again are usually doomed. Yet a lot of people come here who have just broken up for the first time. I think for many of them they come here in a high level of crisis. Its a huge wake up call and a light bulb does go off. What about them? If they are ready and the dumper takes them back (and isn't doing it out of pity or familiarity), I think they stand a good chance no matter how long they were apart.

 

I think that's extraordinarily rare, based on personal experience and having been on this site (and ENA) way too long. I think people say that things will change enough to get back to the way things were before, and in the short term maybe it does change, but once a comfort level is re-reached the old problems come back because they never really left. It was like plugging a piece of chewed bubble gum to plug a leak -- doesn't hold up and could even cause new leaks to emerge.

 

Could one break be enough to get the couple "scared straight" to the point where they got back together and stayed together without further breakups and drama? Sure, it's probably happened. I've never seen it, but yeah, it's a big world out there so I bet it's happened. There are also people who have survived multiple lightning strikes and have won the lottery

 

But in my personal life, one that involved multiple marriages to people who have personally broken up, none of them fit that description at all. So I'm sure that affects my stance on it. And every quick makeup-breakup relationship I know of (I was in one in high school basically because my high school girlfriend would drop everything to curry my favor and, like the jerk I was at the time, would take advantage of this) turned into a tennis match -- breakup/makeup/breakup/makeup, etc. ... drama. So I guess I try to encourage posters to take their time on stuff like this. There are no points won for reconciling the quickest, but there can be great rewards with reconciling properly or moving on to something better

 

And I think your revised policy on "bitter and jaded" is better.

[Simon Phoenix]

Immediately deleting and throwing things away often is sometimes more of a delaying tactic or a bold statement to be vindictive than an actual healing tool. If it is truly a healing tool then I support it.

 

Meh, if they aren't making a demonstration of it, it's not vindictive at all. Any mature dumper understands why it happens. I blocked myself off from everything to do with my ex, but it was purely for healing. It was to save me from myself, had nothing whatsoever to do with throwing anything in her face. I just didn't want to see her enjoying life while I was in pain. Once I went No Contact out of anger, but that's because I was legitimately betrayed and stabbed in the back and No Contact was a hell of a lot better than what I wanted to do out of anger. And even though it wasn't my intention, it made my point a hell of a lot better than saying anything and that ex actually repursued me over a year later (lol).

 

I have seen numerous times posters advise people on here to not take their ex back no matter what unfortunately. Sometimes reconciliations happen when one person reaches out and says "Hi", and then it takes off from there. Still, the best chance of reconciliation is when the ex comes back with clear intentions…don't disagree with you there.

 

Usually that "Hi" is not for reconciliation though. In fact, it rarely is. If the "Hi" is for reconciliation, ignoring that "hi" due to not being ready to handle it/being cautious will make a dumper serious about reconciliation up the ante. I'm much more trusting of the intentions of a dumper that is willing to put themselves out there a bit and make things safer for the dumpee. If a dumper says "hi", doesn't get a response, and gives up, they weren't really wanting to reconcile. They broke the dumper's heart, they can put themselves out there a bit if they're serious.

 

My sister was dumped by her boyfriend. He tried to keep her around as support after the breakup, but she wasn't having it. Nearly a year later after very little communication (they had mutual friends, but she'd avoid stuff he was at), he tried the cutesy "hi" route, but my sister wanted him to prove that it wasn't a bunch of bullsh*t. She was devastated by the breakup and wasn't going to tolerate a "hi". He kept upping the ante until she finally said "Ok, prove it". They dated slowly (at her pace) and he showed he was changed and serious about starting fresh and doing it better than it was before. She also grew quite a bit during their time away and was more tolerant about things he did that annoyed her before. They got back together eventually, moved in, got married (I was in the wedding) and now they are having their first kid in August.

 

And I have other stories similar to that, which paints why I advise what I advise. While there is no black and white, there are approaches that garner better results. There are people who make a living in professional poker and do well with it, but the vast majority of people that tried that living would go into debt, so I will never give an option like that as one that should be considered. Success stories like that are stumbled into unwittingly -- not planned and strategized.

 

And this an excessively long post.

Edited February 27, 2015 by Simon Phoenix