Women shouldn’t compete for a man.

[clia]

As I have said before, it is not the same. She did not have several guys after her. If she did, I would not have tried to compete with them for her.

 

Frankly I'm amazed how many people think that it's a good idea for a woman to to be one of several women going after the same guy. Nobody would try to argue that a guy should be one of several men competing for one girl. No woman is that special.

 

Wait a minute. Above you said "I'm sure every woman can think of at least three guys right now that are interested in her..." This is a viewpoint you have repeatedly expressed on this forum -- that any decent looking woman must have lots of men after her. That women have to make no effort to date. So, by your own logic, any man interested in that woman is competing against at least two other men for her attention.

 

Are you now saying busy girl is an exception? That a decent looking girl exists who doesn't have a lot of men interested in her? (And I could've sworn you said before there was another guy in the picture who she was hanging around with...)

 

The reality is that everyone is in competition with everyone else out there when they are trying to date. We don't live in a bubble where the object of our affection has no idea what other types of people exist.

 

I think you might've missed a couple of my comments above, to which I'd like an answer, so I am going to repost:

 

You said:

My point was that even as I was crushing on BG, I was still talking to and getting to know other women and trying to determine if we were a match.

 

Why do you think women are incapable of doing the same thing? Why do you think that if a woman has a crush she cannot still keep her options open?

 

Are you really saying that women should not go for a man if any other women are interested in him? If so, why not? When I met my fiancé there were several women floating around his orbit who were interested in him, but I never really viewed myself as competing with any of them. I was just getting to know him. Ultimately he chose to be with me. Are you saying that I should've just given up when I found out other women were interested in him? Are you saying it was naïve of me to think that he might pick me?

[GoodOnPaper]

A woman shouldn't willingly put herself in a situation where she is competing with several other women for one guy.

 

Of course it's counterproductive, but I don't think practicality has ever been the biggest consideration when a woman develops a crush on someone, and I don't think that's going to change. At the same time, if there is a woman that you think you are interested in who seems to put herself in these competitive situations over super-good looking/charismatic guys, there's nothing wrong in considering that a red flag.

[Emilia]

The notion of preselection is, as you said, highly magnified. Other women taking interest in a guy might make others turn their heads in his direction initially, but actively pursing, chasing, etc the guy and 'competing' with the women has a very limited appeal. Most (outside of high school/college) tend to quickly tire of that sort of thing. Especially given that women like to be the ones being pursued a majority of the time anyway.

Not sure I agree fully. I agree that it isn't hugely common but it's not rare. I see insecure women doing this for validation (happened to me a handful of times with other women in their 30s, shows the guy's character so I don't mind) and also rejecting more introverted men for not being popular. I don't think the notion of preselection is highly magnified.

[Emilia]

One thing one guy I dated said and I'll never forget, he was very good looking, and we saw each other for about 3 months (not consistently because I was away a lot) before he ever tried anything and I remember after sleeping with him asking why he took so long to make a move and his response was that "I'm not a virgin....I've had sex before...plenty of it, so I'm not some virgin guy who can't wait to have sex. I know what sex is. I can get sex from lots of women, but I like you and wanted to get to know you and feel you out before having sex." It was one of the most insightful things a man has ever said and made me realize the difference between confident, quality men who aren't hankering after vagina because it is there, who because they can get it are pretty selective rather than the projection (which again comes from men who seem to not have much luck) that if a woman so much as breathes near you you must sleep with her and every other woman that shows interest and a man can never possibly apply any higher reason to his choices.

I think there were other issues in the background. I'm not saying he didn't think or feel what he said, only that good looking men have their issues too. Being so afraid of intimacy is a bad thing, not a virtue at all IMO.

 

I bet you it ended because he ended up pulling push and pull crap....

[xxoo]

There's men with lots of admirers and the women who flock to them.

 

There's men with no luck at all with women who resent those above (men and women alike).

 

And then there's most men, who don't have many admirers, but succeed in attracting women they are happy to date.

 

Instead of focusing on the first group, why not study the last group? What do these men have going for them, and what sort of women are they attracting?

[xxoo]

 

Frankly I'm amazed how many people think that it's a good idea for a woman to to be one of several women going after the same guy. Nobody would try to argue that a guy should be one of several men competing for one girl. No woman is that special.

 

You need to understand that not everyone has the same goals and motivations.

 

A person who is desperately seeking a partner probably should not focus on someone with multiple admirers.

 

For a person who is ok being single, and would rather be single than be with someone they don't feel strong attraction to, it is harmless to take a shot at the person they really want. In fact, they should take a shot at the person they really want. Men and women both. That doesn't mean having non-exclusive sex (unless it is mutually desired). But damn, take a chance! Boldly go for what you really want!

[Camaro Guy]

I'm currently reading this book called Art of Seduction and it goes into great detail about how being desired is like a multiplier effect. The more people desire you, the more people desire you. The less people, the less. So it's pretty clear that there's no real downside from having a bunch of women desire you and you get to pick one. It also speaks to human psychology and the "empty restaurant" theory.

 

Why do you think guys with girlfriends are chased after. Guys that are clearly married. Being a man, it is important to get as much experience with the opposite sex as you can so you can increase this effect. It's one of the easiest ways to get a good thing going.

[StanMusial]

So the ladies of LS have decided it's OK for women to compete over a man.

 

How far should they go? Is it a no-holds-barred cage fight and winner take all?

 

Scorched-earth policy?

 

Or should they just make a play and punt in the face of long odds?

[xxoo]

So the ladies of LS have decided it's OK for women to compete over a man.

 

Never compete.

 

Simply don't be intimidated by the existence of other interested women. Don't make assumptions about a man based on how many women are attracted to him. Let him reveal his character and interest, and go from there.

[preraph]

I'm currently reading this book called Art of Seduction and it goes into great detail about how being desired is like a multiplier effect. The more people desire you, the more people desire you. The less people, the less. So it's pretty clear that there's no real downside from having a bunch of women desire you and you get to pick one. It also speaks to human psychology and the "empty restaurant" theory.

 

Why do you think guys with girlfriends are chased after. Guys that are clearly married. Being a man, it is important to get as much experience with the opposite sex as you can so you can increase this effect. It's one of the easiest ways to get a good thing going.

 

I think some of the reason for that is just because your network multiplies with every person interested in you, and then her circle of friends meets you, and before long there's more interested in you. It's a networking numbers thing, I think, more than anything else. That's why I always say be friendly to a lot of people, not just the woman you're after.

[thefooloftheyear]

So the ladies of LS have decided it's OK for women to compete over a man.

 

How far should they go? Is it a no-holds-barred cage fight and winner take all?

 

Scorched-earth policy?

 

Or should they just make a play and punt in the face of long odds?

 

Its been my experience that pretty much all women compete with each other...As a matter of fact, women often dress up, get boob jobs, etc, NOT for attention from men, but to knock other "competitors"down..

 

Watch how harsh thin/fit women are to heavy women...MUCH more harsh than any man would ever be..

 

Even as young as my daughters age(12) the girls are already knocking the shyt out of each other...

 

I am a big MMA fan..One of the reasons I love watching women's MMA is that unlike the guys, who can hug and have mutual respect for their opponents, the women almost never shake hands and want to tear the heads off their opponents...They get angry...Its great..

 

Anyway..

 

Its been my experience that as soon as an attractive cock enters the henhouse, the gloves come off...You will even see some woman never pay any mind to a certain guy...until another woman comes around...then all of a sudden he's God's gift....and then its "game on"....

 

ts just the way it is...Some are worse than others..But I have no issue with it...

 

TFY

[Timshel]

Its been my experience that pretty much all women compete with each other...As a matter of fact, women often dress up, get boob jobs, etc, NOT for attention from men, but to knock other "competitors"down..

 

Watch how harsh thin/fit women are to heavy women...MUCH more harsh than any man would ever be..

 

Even as young as my daughters age(12) the girls are already knocking the shyt out of each other...

 

I am a big MMA fan..One of the reasons I love watching women's MMA is that unlike the guys, who can hug and have mutual respect for their opponents, the women almost never shake hands and want to tear the heads off their opponents...They get angry...Its great..

 

Anyway..

 

Its been my experience that as soon as an attractive cock enters the henhouse, the gloves come off...You will even see some woman never pay any mind to a certain guy...until another woman comes around...then all of a sudden he's God's gift....and then its "game on"....

 

ts just the way it is...Some are worse than others..But I have no issue with it...

 

TFY

 

Unfortunately, I have to agree. As a mother I am conscious of teaching my daughter in subtle ways to avert it. I build her self-esteem and protest judging and bullying.

Thank you for saying "some." The reason why I never engaged in any competition for a man is because I was never a pursuer. That said, you are correct in that women will tear each other apart, for what? In my middle-age and again, as a mom, I don't like it and wish it wasn't so.

[johan]

But on the flip side that's the type of woman I don't want to be with personally. I wouldn't want to be in a relationship with a woman that was with all the most desired guys when younger, but than grew & mature & got with me when she's older. That would just make me feel way too weird & I'd be wondering what she's actually thinking when with me in terms of a lot of things. Almost like I'm being settled for or something.

 

What you want is a woman who in her entire life never matured, maybe because she was mature from the beginning, or looked at whether she was really making good choices with men, and only ever loved only you?

 

Well good luck. But keep in mind you aren't perfect. To some extent anyone who you ever have a relationship with is going to have to do some settling. If your pride means that is going to be unbearable for you, you might as well give up now.

[MidwestUSA]

 

When you learn to enhance the more attractive parts of your being, and stand out, you'd be surprised how many women take notice. Then they won't just be "giving you a chance", they'll be giving you billboard-sized hints about what exactly they want from you.

 

Men, print this out and stick it on your refrigerator. Why not take it from a young guy who's already made the necessary changes in his own life? Why, instead, is it necessary to resort to 'women SHOULD do this' or 'women SHOULD give me a chance'?

 

Work on yourselves to discover WHY you aren't being given the chance you seem to believe you're entitled to simply because you were born.

[NJ123]

What you want is a woman who in her entire life never matured, maybe because she was mature from the beginning, or looked at whether she was really making good choices with men, and only ever loved only you?

 

Well good luck. But keep in mind you aren't perfect. To some extent anyone who you ever have a relationship with is going to have to do some settling. If your pride means that is going to be unbearable for you, you might as well give up now.

 

Well, it really would depend on how her previous relationships were. Were they good relationships that just didn't work out for whatever reason or is it where she hates all her exes & they ended badly? The latter is a red flag. This happened to my friend awhile back. When he found out that her past relationship was abusive he ran for the hills. They were just dating though but not in a relationship. But he said she was really attractive & all but he didn't want to be settled for basically is what he said.

[xxoo]

Well, it really would depend on how her previous relationships were. Were they good relationships that just didn't work out for whatever reason or is it where she hates all her exes & they ended badly? The latter is a red flag. This happened to my friend awhile back. When he found out that her past relationship was abusive he ran for the hills. They were just dating though but not in a relationship. But he said she was really attractive & all but he didn't want to be settled for basically is what he said.

 

Life is rarely so black and white. Many people probably have at least one BAD relationship choice in their history, along with steadily better choices thereafter.

 

If you're going to hold mistakes made at young ages against people, you're going to be very lonely in life. Most people make (and learn from) mistakes.

[NJ123]

Life is rarely so black and white. Many people probably have at least one BAD relationship choice in their history, along with steadily better choices thereafter.

 

If you're going to hold mistakes made at young ages against people, you're going to be very lonely in life. Most people make (and learn from) mistakes.

 

Well I'm mainly talking about the ones that go for the a-hole type of guy time & time & time again. Wouldn't you say that's a red flag if their constantly attracted to these type of men & every one of those relationships obviously end bad.

[barcode88]

Not even going to bother with reading this crap lol. Somedude you're coming across as bitter about being alone. Being bitter and resentful isn't going to make life better for you.

 

 

Yes - some confident/popular men are *******s, but many are just like the rest of us and have a good head on their shoulders. Not every "average guy" is a nice guy either - even though they pretend to be.

 

 

It's true that popular and attractive people have it much easier in life and get the cream of the crop when it comes to mate selection - but that doesn't mean that the rest of us are destined to be forever alone either. If you have respect for yourself and others, and have a positive outlook on life - anything is possible.

[elaine567]

Well, it really would depend on how her previous relationships were. Were they good relationships that just didn't work out for whatever reason or is it where she hates all her exes & they ended badly? The latter is a red flag. This happened to my friend awhile back. When he found out that her past relationship was abusive he ran for the hills. They were just dating though but not in a relationship. But he said she was really attractive & all but he didn't want to be settled for basically is what he said.

Not sure of the logic there.

If the ex was abusive and he isn't, then is your friend not a step up for her?

Why would he think she was settling for him?

[NJ123]

Not sure of the logic there.

If the ex was abusive and he isn't, then is your friend not a step up for her?

Why would he think she was settling for him?

 

Because he felt that was a red flag for her to be attracted to a abusive jerk than all of a sudden wants the good guy. Not entirely sure if she was still in contact with the ex or not but said he's not going to fall for that trap.

[MidwestUSA]

She can stop chasing the guy she will never get or only be a sex toy to, and she give another guy a chance (me) and she may be pleasantly surprised about how awesome that guy (I am) is once she actually gets to know him (me)

 

Here is part of the problem. The guy who has girls 'competing' for him (wherever that is taking place ) obviously has something the girls perceive, rightly or wrongly, as awesome. Maybe it's something shallow, like looks. Not much to be done about that.

 

But each have to identify our own awesomeness, and display it. What makes you awesome? What 'hook' do you have that might catch a woman's interest? Find it.

[elaine567]

Because he felt that was a red flag for her to be attracted to a abusive jerk than all of a sudden wants the good guy. Not entirely sure if she was still in contact with the ex or not but said he's not going to fall for that trap.

 

I get the red flag, as previous abuse has many consequences and can complicate new relationships too, but "settling" I do not get, unless he feels somehow inferior to "the abusive jerk".

[somedude81]

Never compete.

 

That should have been your first post in this thread. The overall tone of the thread seems to disagree with you.

 

Simply don't be intimidated by the existence of other interested women.

 

Why not?

 

If a woman really likes a guy, it seems natural for her to be concerned that many other women also like him. The odds of ending up happy are decreased with every other person who wants the same guy.

 

The only time I can see where competition for a guy will be OK is when a woman doesn't care if she gets the guy or not, but then why would she even compete? It's not like she just has to buy a raffle ticket.

 

 

Don't make assumptions about a man based on how many women are attracted to him. Let him reveal his character and interest, and go from there.

 

It's the basic nature of men to want to sleep with many women. In most cases it is safe to assume that if a guy is single and very popular with women, that he's sleeping with several different women. You can find such stories women post about the FWB's who are seeing other women, all over this forum.

 

That's why I believe that if a woman wants a real relationship and not to just be another booty call, she shouldn't have laser focus on the one guy everybody else likes.

[serial muse]

So the ladies of LS have decided it's OK for women to compete over a man.

 

Who in the what now? As a lady of LS, I don't recall saying this.

 

But then there are a lot of things attributed to me as a Woman around here that I don't in the least recognize, so.

 

¯\_(ツ)_/¯

[TigerCub]

SD you still haven't answered my question

Why are you not going for the girl no other guy is chasing after?

 

Why are you not going for the tubby girl with the defeated attitude - since according to you - every guy should get a girl - so every girl should get a guy.

 

Why are you choosing to go after a girl that isn't going for you - when there could be a perfectly nice/generous/(fun once she's out of her shell) tubby slightly awkward girl?

 

Just like it's "stupid" for women to chase after a man that many other women flock to - isn't it just as "stupid" to fixate on these women, when there are others out there that are single and just wishing they could get a bf (but they don't have any guys chasing after them)?