My fiance thinks he might be gay

[Til]

I've been with my fiance for 4 years for nearly 24 hours a day constantly (we live and worked together). He is loving, caring, thoughtful and has been the perfect fiance with a couple of problem areas.

 

The most serious problem we have suffered is the difference in our libidos. At first we both matched each other but over the last 9 months we make love less than once a month. We both knew it was a problem area and one which eventually would need external help to put right.

 

Last night my fiance explained that his low sex drive might be caused by the fact that he thinks he might be gay. He had an 18 month long gay relationship (his first and only) before he met me and told me that recently he has been thinking more about other men.

 

He wants to 'sort himself out' and get counselling to see if that will help as he says he doesn't want to lose me or the things we have together. He has never told anyone about this before and his previous same sex partner left him because he wouldn't come out.

 

I am completely devasted and shell-shocked. I had prepared myself to be with this man, who I love completely, for the rest of my life and now this has happened.

 

What can I do? I don't want to lose him and I don't understand how our relationship be so good and this still happen. Please help me.

[Tony T]

All the kings horses will not be able to degay your guy, or make him straight, if he is homosexual. As in everything else, there are varying degrees. He is most likely bisexual with his preference heavily weighted towards men.

 

You may as well get used to the fact right now that this guy isn't the man of your dreams.

 

Women are very attracted to gay men emotionally because they are most like them, usually with the ability to share feelings that most women long for in a man. You did not make it clear whether he told you about his previous 18 month gay relationship but if you knew that going in, you have no right to be shell shocked. Your wording on this is not very clear.

 

Counselling, hormone therapy or any other medical process will not make him heterosexual. It just won't happen. If he has deceived you, you shouldn't even be his friend. No friend would subject another to this kind of hurt. If he was up front with you, perhaps you can remain friends.

 

There are normal men who have lost most of their sexual appetite for their spouses or girlfriends. When a gay guy does that, it was pretty much a miracle that anything happened in the first place.

 

Additionally, if he had a relationship with a guy or more than one guy in the past and you are just finding out, you should rush to your doctor for an AIDS test. That would be the most frightening thing for me if I were you.

 

Consider this guy history. Normal relationships with normal men are hard enough without going through a lot of stuff with a gay or bisexual who leans heavily towards males. The hurt you feel in getting over this guy will be a much smaller price to pay in the long run than trying to make something work with him.

 

I am just so sorry. But I have heard of married men with children leaving their wives for a man...so, in that respect, you are getting off light.

[Ed]

This post sounds just like many other posts to this discussion board. The only difference being the gay or bisexual tendencies of your guy. Other than that, it's the same old song and dance..."I don't know what I want anymore", "I don't love you as much as I used to", "I'm confused", Blah, Blah, Blah.

 

This same thing could have just as easily happened if he were completely straight. Instead of thinking about being with other guys, he would be thinking about being with other girls.

 

His past same sex relationship is going to be a huge hurdle for you to get past. You may never be able to get past it. Most people can't even get over past relationships of the heterosexual variety.

 

The stock answer or advice is for you to BACK OFF. He is having second thoughts. You need to think twice about this relationship as well, maybe three or four times before continuing with it any further. You have to think about what is best for you. Expect the best and demand the best. Don't settle for less!

[Tony T]

This post does not sound like very many posts I see here and it does not call for a stock answer.

 

Dating a guy and growing to love him, only to find out he's gay, is pretty serious. Although exactly when she found out he had this thing for men is rather ambiguous in her post, this is a serious and unique problem that comes up rarely in any romantic experience.

 

She's got a real problem here...but, if you want to call moving on a stock answer, then yes. If the guy is indeed gay or sways more to men than to women, she really doesn't have much choice.

 

The tone of your post sounded like you are getting pretty weary of posts dealing with people's past sex lives. But this is very different, in my opinion.

[Laurynn]

So, he had a 1.5 yr long relationship with a GUY before me met you......well that's a freakin' shame that he wasn't MAN ENOUGH to divulge that to you, say, back before you two started dating? That's sort of SIGNIFICANT INFO, and not something that you neglect to tell your girlfriend, particularly when she becomes your fiancee.

 

Well, he's obviously bisexual, I'd think.......for if he was truly gay, he would never have had sex with you for as long as he did (or to begin with).

 

If I were you, other than being devastated and shell-shocked, I'd be extremely grossed out and angry...so much so, that I'd kick his lying ass out the door. He can figure out his sexuality on his own/by himself.

 

I'm not homophobic, but I can tell you....if I began dating a guy and he admitted to me that he'd had a gay relationship with someone for 18 months prior to meeting me, I'd definitely be outta there.

 

I'm really sorry you're going through this.......pardon my hostility towards him, that comes across in this post. I just have a low tolerance for those who deceive people...particularly the people they love.

 

Laurynn

[sparkle]

Laurynn said the following...

So, he had a 1.5 yr long relationship with a GUY before me met you......well that's a freakin' shame that he wasn't MAN ENOUGH to divulge that to you, say, back before you two started dating?

...and it brought up some questions in my mind:

 

It's not a great idea to disclose your sexual past with your current partner. It causes problems and many partners can't handle hearing this information. Of course you it's good to discuss whether you have/had any STD's or have gotten checked, but I think going into details about the experiences is unnecessary.

 

1. So is there a difference then when it comes to homosexual experiences?

 

2. Should a guy then tell his current partner about his gay experiences but keep quiet about having sex with girls?

 

3. What if the guy changed his mind or was confused about whether he was gay or not, and he liked this girl so he thought maybe he wasn't gay after all? So he didn't want to disclose his past because he felt it was unnecessary at the time. And now he realizes that he maybe he's gay or bisexual. Should he still have discussed his past then?

 

I guess that's basically what I was curious about. Any comments?

[Tony T]

There is a very major difference. All the difference in the universe.

 

Most women just assume their guys have been to bed with other ladies. But seldom does a woman even dream that the guy she is attracted to and about to plunge into a relationship with has recently gotten out of a LTR with another guy.

 

Isn't that something you would want to know.

 

This is irrelevant to what we have been disussing here about people discussing their sexual past. In all those discussions, I think we have been talking about heterosexual relationships.

 

I think someone who has gay tendencies is absolutely obligated to tell the other person of this well ahead of time.

[sparkle]

Yes I agree it is very different. I understand what you're saying now. Thanks Tony!

[Ed]

I was intrigued by Sparkle's post of questions. The reason being - most of us here seem to be in agreement that discussion of one's sexual past is off limits, except for health concerns. But now there appear to be some other exceptions arising.

 

I think now, the bottom line to all this is each and every one of us has to decide what historical sexual information is important...and what is not. And what is someone else's business and what is not. But this uproots the original premise of - one's sexual past is off limits, unless it is an issue of health.

 

I mean, to one person, the number of partners a person has had in the past is IMPORTANT INFORMATION. To them, it tells something about the other person, it's red flag material! Just as the disclosure of bisexuality can be red flag material.

[Laurynn]

I totally understand what you're getting at, but something you wrote, I'd like to comment on:

 

"I think now, the bottom line to all this is each and every one of us has to decide what historical sexual information is important...and what is not. And what is someone else's business and what is not. But this uproots the original premise of - one's sexual past is off limits, unless it is an issue of health."

 

How do we decide, though.....what historical sexual info is important and what is NOT important? What *I* may find irrelevant, my partner may find extremely SIGNIFICANT. *I* can only decide what I consider is important/relevant/significant.....but not everyone may feel the same way. It's really very individual and personal, ya know?

 

Laurynn

[Laurynn]

Health issues/risks aside, I still think a person should divulge their past same-sex relationships to their prospective partner, for the very reason that that the original poster is here, sharing with us her situation.

 

If I knew that a guy I started dating had been involved in a long term same-sex relationship, I seriously would NOT continue a relationship with him/or even start one, for that matter. I'd be concerned that perhaps he was confused about his sexuality, and painful issues would likely arise somewhere down the road. You often hear of stories, of men (or women) who dated women, married them, even had children...then one day they 'come out of the closet' and admit that they prefer men. Many are afraid to 'come out' because they risk rejection/alienation/judgement from friends, family, etc...so they try their hardest to HIDE their true feelings/desires/attractions, etc......and they spend years living a lie.....only to end up one day hurting their spouse, children.........

 

That's what I'd be concerned about happening, if I met a guy who divulged this kind of info early on in the relationship. I'd rather know the truth THEN, make my decision THEN (as to whether I wanted to remain with him).....then end up like the lady posting: having spent 4 yrs of her life with the guy, engaged, and now having her whole world turned upside down, to find out these shocking revelations. She must feel like she's been deceived for 4 years....that she's been in love with, a stranger?.....she probably wonders how well she really knew him, what other secrets he has.

 

This is where I'm coming from, anyway.

 

Laurynn

[Ed]

Totally agreed.

 

So, should we not come down so hard on some of the people that have posted here about being hung up on their partners sexual past?

 

I'm so confused!!!!

 

PS

 

I have added to my list of questions that I must ask potential partners:

 

Have you ever been involved in a homosexual relationship?

 

Have you ever been involved in a bisexual relationship?

 

Was it a one night stand, experimental, thing or did it carry on for a period of time?

 

Have you done it more than once?

 

I'm sure I will add more later....

[Laurynn]

Hi Ed...

 

I know you weren't directing your statement at me....but I would likely not ever come down on someone for being bothered/concerned with finding out their partner's sexual past......because *I* am one of those people who feels that some of that info is necessary to be known, I think a lot of it speaks volumes about the person. For example, I once dated a guy who admitted that by his age of 34, he'd slept with probably 75 women. I was glad he told me.....Yes, the past is the past, but his promiscuity indicates some possibilities:

 

-he might have little respect for women, sees them only as 'something to screw'

 

-he might have low self esteem, and uses casual sex as a way of filling some kind of void/improving his self esteem

 

-his chances of having HIV or some other STD is extremely great

 

-it's possible that he has a problem with commitment.....

 

-it's possible that he loves 'the thrill of the chase' when it comes to women..but once he gets them, then beds them, it's "see ya later!"

 

So after knowing all these possibilities, it's then up to me to decide where *I* want to go from there. I have only slept with a handful of guys in my life (and I'm 33).....To *ME*, sex is something special, the greatest gift two people who love each other can share. I've never had a one night stand, never will. I can't imagine sleeping with a stranger I met at a club and waking up the next morning, realizing what I'd done. For me, I'd prefer to be with someone who feels the same way.........so for me to get involved with someone who sees absolutely nothing wrong with casual sex/one night stands, who's not very discerning and would sleep with anything in a skirt/who obviously (to me) doesn't respect his own health very much........I don't think we'd be even remotely similar wavelengths....so not much future, I don't think.

 

Now would I ask a guy I was dating to give me explicit details on things he's done with past partners? No way. I'm not a sucker for punishment. I did this once and it was hard to live with the information afterwards. The guy I was engaged to..well, I'd asked him what kinds of things he'd done in the past. The topic of "anal sex" came up. I was pretty grossed out. It bothered me, because that was not something I'd do....and from that point on, I often wondered if maybe he found me 'boring' or 'narrowminded' or 'prudish' because i wasn't open to things his past partners had been open to. That was one can of worms I shouldn't have opened.

 

Now there was one person who posted here a month or so ago.......he was practically suidical because he'd found out that his girlfriend had performed oral sex on two guys in the past (two separate occasions).........the guy admitted to wanting to KILL these two guys, fantasized about murdering them, he admitted to crying a lot about this, not eating, not sleeping, etc. Now that is someone who's crossed the line and needs some major help. A total extreme altogether.

 

Now I'm rambling LOL

 

Laurynn

[Til]

I didn't know he had anything other than heterosexual feelings until 7:30pm on Monday night.

 

Since then I haven't eaten as I feel as though I am constantly being kicked in the stomach. I'm fed up crying and wishing for the past back. I love him so much but he wants us to stay together even if he decides that he is definitely gay. I want him as a proper fiance, loving me as a woman, not as some best friend.

 

One thing that is making this harder is that it isn't cut and dried. He is telling me the truth when he says that he isn't sure what he is. He had had this 18 month gay relationship, then met me and was blissfully happy with our relationship until about a year ago. Our sex life going wrong does tie in with this.

 

He may go through a 'gay period' and then want women (me) again but I don't think I could wait for that. How the hell can I rebuild my life. We live in an expensive part of the country due to work and I couldn't afford a place of my own here without joint salaries. We have pets together, a beautiful cottage in the country, our parents get on so well - my whole life and his too is based on us being together. These are just some of the practical problems without considering the fact that I can physically feel my heart turning over every 10 seconds, my stomach hasn't stopped churning and I want this man so much that it hurts me to the core. I've been entitled to him for 4 years on my terms why the hell should I have to suffer just because he's going through a crisis of sexuality.

 

He doesn't know he's gay, he just thinks he's confused about being straight, bi or gay.

 

I'm having to accept that my lover has had gay sex with another man - that kills me. I'm having to accept that I may have to leave my fiance even though my feelings are as strong as they were a week ago. I'm having to accept that I have to be patient while he tries to sort this out in his mind because if I don't wait and this turns out to be a minor blip then I'll have thrown my life away.

 

I'm sorry if my thoughts seem like a tirade. It isn't against the people who have so kindly helped me on this board - it's against all the pain and confused feelings I'm experiencing at present.

 

Due to this not being a common experience which we are taught to cope with in a particular manner and due to the fact that I can't tell anyone I know about this I felt that I could turn to an anonymous message board.

This post does not sound like very many posts I see here and it does not call for a stock answer.

 

Dating a guy and growing to love him, only to find out he's gay, is pretty serious. Although exactly when she found out he had this thing for men is rather ambiguous in her post, this is a serious and unique problem that comes up rarely in any romantic experience. She's got a real problem here...but, if you want to call moving on a stock answer, then yes. If the guy is indeed gay or sways more to men than to women, she really doesn't have much choice.

 

The tone of your post sounded like you are getting pretty weary of posts dealing with people's past sex lives. But this is very different, in my opinion.

[Tony T]

You need to take some time, a lot of time, to sort these things out. The people who are replying to you are replying from an outside point of view and, from my standpoint, your situation is tragic.

 

You may still love him now because you are still in shock. But if you only found out this information on Monday, your guy has lied to you by not disclosing this information early on in your relationship and basically used you to subconsciously get back at his former male lover. The whole thing is pathetically sick.

 

I don't care how much you love this guy, it is over. Once you get your senses, you will realize you are way too intelligent and you have way too much to offer to commit your life to a man who runs gay-straight-bi in an unpredictable and confusing fashion. To stay in something like that is NOT love, it is total and complete insanity. this CANNOT be the way you dreamed you would live your life.

 

Right now, you are not being objective. You are still in shock. But when you come to your senses and you realize how you were decieved, you will be very angry and you will want to be as far away from this guy as possible.

 

I know you don't want to, but I really think you ought to talk to some trusted person you know or a counsellor about this situation. Perhaps you are afraid of what you will hear. That's OK. You need hard facts at this time.

 

To use the excuse to stay with him that you need two incomes is extremely pathetic. Most people would prefer to live in abject poverty than with someone who lied about their sexuality, who did not disclose important details, prior to starting a relationship. Had this man told you he had just gotten out of an 18-month relationship with another guy and that he had gay tendencies, would you have dated him???

 

Be kind to yourself and take your time. Right now, your judgement is impaired by the shock you are experiencing. But once things come into focus for you, this is NOT a situation you will want to be in.

 

Get yourself prepared for some major life changes that will definitely be to your benefit. To stay in a situation like this because of concerns about your lifestyle changes would be crazy. And the fact that this guy deceived you so that you built your whole life around a lie ought to make you pretty damned pissed.

 

Stop forcing yourself to accept this. Your post just wreaks of trying to convince yourself you can live with this. I know this guy lied to you but a much worse offense is when you work so hard to deceive yourself.

[Til]

I don't think that there could be anything else that could be hurting as much as this so don't really care about his other secrets if he has any.

 

He won't tell anyone else about this and did deliberate for days apparently on whether to tell me. At the moment I really wish that he had worked this out himself privately and just involved me if it turned out that he was gay and could no longer be with me in a sexual manner. Ignorance is bliss they say. I agree with that so much.

 

I suppose I should be honoured that he trusts me so much as a best friend to tell me about his confusions. I'm not though. I'm just devasted that my life appears to be ruined if he can't sort this out. At the risk of appearing homophobic (I wasn't up until this happened) I wish there was a pill he could take to guarantee his straightness.

 

With regard to doing it again. I fell head over heels on love with the guy and I think (yes I'm doubting my entire past 4 years now) he felt the same. It's not an obvious question for someone who appears to be a hot red blooded 24 year old guy - "Are you confused about your sexuality?"

 

I think that I have to wait for him to decide. I know this seems pathetic but I'm on my knees so can't go anywhere else anyway. I can't afford to move out of our house or have him move out as we are tied in legally until July. Maybe I should carry on living with him as a housemate until I'm over him. Don't think I could get over him being in the same house and everything. He wants nothing to change. I want to be able to french kiss my fiance goodnight and perverted stuff like that.

 

To top everything else off, my boss wants me to cut my working hours to 2 days a week from being full time.

 

I don't see (short of me getting cancer) how my life could be worse at the moment.

 

Are there any nice normal straight loving men out there. I thought I'd found one but I was obviously wrong.

[Til]

Thank you for your posts. I know that I'm blind to the obvious at the moment. To be honest, I haven't even asked him why he didn't tell me before about his 'previous relationship' because it never occurred to me that he should have done. Of course he should of given me the chance to decide.

 

I'm going to take time but accepting that my relationship is over with him is a bit like sticking my tongue into the hole where a tooth has been taken out. I need to get up some courage from somewhere to keep digging at that hole even though it hurts so much.

 

I want a good happy life with someone who loves me for what I am and lets me love them back. It will be very hard to be on my own as I lack friends. I had no social life before I met my fiance and even fewer friends now so the thought of getting out and meeting people scares me, let alone living on my own. I haven't had to be lonely for so long. What I'm doing by leaving him is making myself lonely even though I know all the negative points about staying with him. Hmmmmmmmm. This is so confusing.

 

Thank you again for your advice. I will see how I stand in 7 days time and then start planning my future.