What did you get from counseling

[Lion Heart]

Original title of this post "did counceling help you?" Unfortunately website rejects word "help" in title :-)

 

I see people advocating counceling here. I am already divorced. But we went to counceling before. And it did not help a bit. In fact few last sessions I felt being mocked by psychotherapist and was pissed to no limits. I am not sure maybe this "specialist" was fake. Do they have certifications at all? It is seems to me that they are doctors on borders of science and therefore not really accountable for their methods and ways. As I think now these are just peoples making money on other people miseries.

I am very sceptical about this "counceling". I'd like to hear stories where it did REALLY help. Anyone?

 

You'd really have to check the credentials of ANY person you consider paying for their advice, mechanical, educational, psychological whatever. Otherwise just visit the bartender!

 

Look I've gotta be honest here. I think I'm in a blessed position to have a best friend of 20+ years who's a psychologist. A neighbour who's a trained psychologist, a number of psychologists at my workplace, a DD who's training as a psychologist too. So that could account for a lot in my life, resilience, empowerment etc. At the very least, empathy because they love me and at the same time "see" my situation with far more clarity than I can in the moment.

They ALL definitely pull me up big time if I'm well off the track. It's wonderful that they respect me too.

 

IMHO though there are PLENTY of long time posters here who have experienced infidelity first hand and would make INCREDIBLE Counsellors. It's first hand experience that is totally invaluable. Some Cs and people are really good at empathising but IMO nothing replaces the actual first hand experience.

 

I saw our current MC / IC about 16 years ago in IC and I took everything on board that she advised and totally changed my life for the far better. 6 sessions and done.

 

I saw her again after my mother was jailed for violence against me when I had newborn twins that weren't supposed to survive. At best they were supposed to be severely disabled. I had PTSD because they survived and thrived after the prognosis. They are 12yo now. Leaders at their school and go above the ceiling in benchmark exams with little to no input from me except for regular parenting IMO. The major mother incident was horrific for me. I lost all 39 members of my family in 1 day because I called the police on my mother for the first time in 37 years of total lunacy and abuse. 3 sessions and done.

 

I'm back to the same psych after infidelity BECAUSE my WH wanted reconciliation. I had checked out. I went 1 time for me, she said I was "fine only grieving as deep as I felt for the WH and family that was destroyed by his infidelity" boy was she spot on there! She said she doubted he'd attend C (WH made the appts & has shown up to all very willingly - go figure).

 

Today in IC I made huge gains because she understood WH was pulling the wool over her eyes by lying & deceiving her in his IC. I filled her in on WH family saying that cheating was normal and everyone did it. "Common but not normal" is one of my favourite catch phrases. Etc etc.

 

I would say in my own particular case that C has been a critical part of my recovery from major incidents in my life. BUT and it's a big but, 99% of the work has been on my shoulders. I've never given up on myself.

 

It's really about being 150% honest with Cs. No holes barred as scary as it may seem. I'm not into wasting my own or the Govts money so I'm as honest as I can possibly be.

Recently I've even said "I understand as a C you may need to report me to the police or have me committed to a psychiatric ward, but I'm gonna tell you anyway and do what you have to". The response from my C was "is your husband dead in a room at your home? " gosh I laughed through my tears. "No he's at work!" She said "If I phone him, will he answer?" I said "SURE you're a woman between the ages of 16-75 he'll definitely answer! ". (WH AP was 11 yrs older than him, it's an "in joke").

Once the C "gets" your baseline, you'll get exactly what you need to hear from an expert.

 

Boy am I ready for moving on after seeing my C today. Whatever the situation. IMHO the good ones SHOULD charge $200 / hr. And I'd rather spend that than waste my time with sheer frustration with pretend Cs.

 

Many best wishes from me to you for your own recovery.

 

Lion Heart.

[Lion Heart]

First we went to a mc. Worst experience that probably greatly effected us today. First meeting the counselor said " I believe him when he said he never had sexual relations with the ow." I mean wtf there were emails talking about them getting together. Everyone on this forum know minimizing amd denying is in the cheater handbook. Note**He never has fully admitted to getting it on with her. The next was a ic, she told me what I didn't want to hear at the time...she said "he's a loser, get your ducks in a row and leave." I didn't want to hear that at the time. I was fully into R. She also seemed like she liked the "drama" aspect of my situation. I saw that and ran to the Third Ic who was a psychologist. She did a lot of notetaking and shaking her head. I needed more feedback. Lastly, we went to a male mc. This guy although nice was all over the place. He'd give us "homework" and then the next week he'd never eben bring it up again. It was like topic to topic without any resolution on anything. I feel like if you see a mc they better have experienced infidelity themselves.

 

Flowergirl! SNAP! Yes some are SO CRAZY!

 

Some Cs just don't have their sh** together. It's horrible you went through that. OBVIOUSLY you and your partner had more commitment outside C.

 

That's what counts. Whether you both have the resolve BEFORE attending MC because you're gonna have to ride out the storms of bad MCs to weather those storms ADDING to your marital issues. It's totally ridiculous! (Sorry guys but I use so many marinor analogies in everything I convey, it's an inter-generational trait in my family. But explains life well IMO).

 

Crikeys you're still in R after that? Well done guys.

 

I'm not sure at all if I hope to be in R like you. I see more hope in ditching the cheating piece of sh** right now.

 

I admire your resolve. Hopefully you have less personality disorders and character flaws in your spouse to deal with than I do.

 

Lion Heart.

[waterwoman]

Jeepers! Sounds like there are some seriously bad counsellors out there!

 

I had IC and we had MC and both of those counsellors were gentle, patient and encouraging. Neither of them felt the need to berate or take sides - thank god! I'd have been furious if our MC had felt the need to take H to task for his affair or tell me to 'get my kinky boots on'! It was taken as read that an affair was a crappy thing to do - nothing else need to be said! We talked to people who were open-minded and NOT willing to apportion blame, and it gave us a chance to sort things out in a neutral, calm and safe environment. Very useful.

[Hardgrind]

My counselor has been very helpful.

 

 

My wife had the affair and I was wounded following D-Day. I desperately wanted to R with wife and was not seeing reality because of this.

 

 

She (the counselor) was primarily helping me individually but also did several sessions with both of us.

 

 

To summarize how she helped me:

1. Immediately following DDay, I needed to talk to someone desperately but I did not feel comfortable talking to friends about the A because I was hoping to R with WW. Even that early on, I knew deep inside that if I told my friends what had happened that they would be less forgiving of WW than I could be and that many bridges would be burned socially for my WW. (Now that we are divorcing, my friends have the full story and yes, they have no desire to even be around WW, except for the opportunity to speak their minds to her.)

2. She saw almost immediately that my wife was cake-eating and using R to buy time, not to truly work on our marriage. She resisted the urge to hit me over the head when it was clear that I was not ready to see that also. She was patient and let me move at the pace I needed to move.

3. In hind sight, I can see that her focus was to prepare me for life after the end of the marriage. If my WW had been willing to make a real effort at R, I also believe the counselor would have helped us on that path.

 

 

The tricky part was finding the counselor in the first place. I relied heavily on my gut feeling after doing some on-line research.

I looked online for counselors in my area and quickly made the following decisions:

1. I wanted someone near my own age (early 50's). I didn't think I would be comfortable with a counselor much younger than me just out of college.

2. I wasn't looking for a scholar or a theorist. I wanted someone who would adapt to my real situation and not try to force fit me into their favorite tools and process.

3. Most importantly I needed to feel comfortable and safe with the counselor.

 

 

I emailed her and quickly received a response. We then spoke on the phone. Her schedule was pretty full but she had openings within a week. I was prepared to walk away after the first session if I did not feel comfortable or helped.

 

 

During the first session it seemed like all I did was talk for 50 minutes. She asked a few questions here and there and asked for clarifications. But about 10 minutes after leaving the first session and after I started to process what we covered, suddenly I was angry at my WW, at myself and even angry with the counselor. At that point I knew I found the right counselor for me because I was really starting to deal with the A and its implications.

[badkarma2013]

Posted by Hardgrind: But about 10 minutes after leaving the first session and after I started to process what we covered, suddenly I was angry at my WW, at myself and even angry with the counselor. At that point I knew I found the right counselor for me because I was really starting to deal with the A and its implications.

 

 

*******************************************************************

 

Sounds like Deja Vu all over again ...I had so much rage in the beginning...I systematically destroyed the OM/Boss (hers)..his family and my family as well and everyone who knew us...The problem was ,While the intense anger was da&n sure motivating ...It would not leave me...

 

In I/C ..( they understood the sex part in her Affair for me, was the hook I could not get over..)...and that is where my anger lay..with the lies ,deceit and betrayal as icing on the cake..

 

I remember screaming at the Counselor "Someone tell me WHY...Why would she do those acts with the OM...She cant or wont tell me ..Please God tell me why???

She looked at me and said "if your wife were here ..I would bet my entire practice the SHE could not really say why with any logic. and her explination would not make any sense to you"

 

I do not know why..but I knew I would never have a clear picture of what happened or why...and I had to move on...

 

Badkarma

Edited February 27, 2015 by badkarma2013

[flowergirl14]

During our mc we had some heated discussions to say the least! The walls must have been thin because when we came out of his office and were leaving, my husband looked back and the receptionist had her mouth wide open. In shock at what was said?

[HereNorThere]

Joke for you -

 

How many psychiatrists does it take to change a light bulb?

 

One, but the light bulb has to want to change.

 

What did I get out of counseling? My life back. In fact, an even better life than I had previously. I still go, even after 3 years and I always recommend it to my friends and family.

 

Here's the trick - Find someone you like. The first psychologist I went to was a real "Dr. Phil" type who thought I could just take up golf and ignore my problems. He really wasn't much help at all. I did my research and realized I was wasting time with anyone who wasn't a real doctor. I found a Harvard trained psychiatrist that specialized in anxiety disorders. I owe this man a debt of gratitude that I could never possibly pay. My life changed dramatically and everyone around me can see it.

 

So my advice - See a real doctor, not a psychologist or counselor and don't settle for someone you don't like. Part of therapy is self-disclosure and its hard to disclose personal information to someone you don't enjoy.

 

Also, remember that people with personality disorders are treatment resistant. If you suspect your partner has a PD, or has strong PD traits, there is no medicine and very options for treatment. If you partner turns on therapists or constantly discredits them, that may be a sign of PD. This is a huge problem for most couples when it comes to infidelity. A narcissist isn't going to allow anyone to question their decisions or thought process. If you stay with an NPD, BPD, etc, the best thing you can do is find someone who specializes in treating the victims of these people. There are lots of support groups that can help you and show you what to expect when you are in a relationship with someone that is damaged.

Edited February 27, 2015 by HereNorThere

[truncated]

My husband and I saw a counselor/ therapist together when we were having some issues ( not infidelity related though). It helped us as a couple, but individualy, it didn't do much to help me.

 

I have come to accept that i have to shove tahat part way down, as nothing will change it, and it is not something I have been able to just let go.

[drifter777]

My counselor has been very helpful.

 

 

My wife had the affair and I was wounded following D-Day. I desperately wanted to R with wife and was not seeing reality because of this.

 

 

She (the counselor) was primarily helping me individually but also did several sessions with both of us.

 

 

To summarize how she helped me:

1. Immediately following DDay, I needed to talk to someone desperately but I did not feel comfortable talking to friends about the A because I was hoping to R with WW. Even that early on, I knew deep inside that if I told my friends what had happened that they would be less forgiving of WW than I could be and that many bridges would be burned socially for my WW. (Now that we are divorcing, my friends have the full story and yes, they have no desire to even be around WW, except for the opportunity to speak their minds to her.)

2. She saw almost immediately that my wife was cake-eating and using R to buy time, not to truly work on our marriage. She resisted the urge to hit me over the head when it was clear that I was not ready to see that also. She was patient and let me move at the pace I needed to move.

3. In hind sight, I can see that her focus was to prepare me for life after the end of the marriage. If my WW had been willing to make a real effort at R, I also believe the counselor would have helped us on that path.

 

 

The tricky part was finding the counselor in the first place. I relied heavily on my gut feeling after doing some on-line research.

I looked online for counselors in my area and quickly made the following decisions:

1. I wanted someone near my own age (early 50's). I didn't think I would be comfortable with a counselor much younger than me just out of college.

2. I wasn't looking for a scholar or a theorist. I wanted someone who would adapt to my real situation and not try to force fit me into their favorite tools and process.

3. Most importantly I needed to feel comfortable and safe with the counselor.

 

 

I emailed her and quickly received a response. We then spoke on the phone. Her schedule was pretty full but she had openings within a week. I was prepared to walk away after the first session if I did not feel comfortable or helped.

 

 

During the first session it seemed like all I did was talk for 50 minutes. She asked a few questions here and there and asked for clarifications. But about 10 minutes after leaving the first session and after I started to process what we covered, suddenly I was angry at my WW, at myself and even angry with the counselor. At that point I knew I found the right counselor for me because I was really starting to deal with the A and its implications.

 

 

This is pretty much how it works folks. If your not frustrated with your counselor then dig down and be more honest with them. They won't push a "solution" to your problems down your throat and, if they do, dump them. Unless you are ready to see and understand the healthy options you have to heal yourself they can only guide you.