My poor wife..

[jmargel]

This is going to be somewhat long. A little background info. on my wife. During her childhood years her parents fought alot. More her dad than anything. Very bad temper would go out drinking, shooting pool, not taking care of the kids and constantly fighting with my wife's mom.

 

He divorced her when my wife was 14 yrs old. Her mom divorced him mainly because he cheated on her. My wife when she was a child/teenager was neglected quite a bit. Spent alot of time in her room, learned not to get close to others because of all the hurt.

 

Years pass through, my wife before she met me, met up with a guy who in the end neglected her quite a bit. Was never around, never came to see her while she was in college. His shooting pool was more important than her. She tried to end it a number of times but he always found a way back. It was her ex who would goto her dad, so those two basically ganged up on her. She wasn't really able to leave him.

 

She met me while still with him, friends for over a year we became very tight. Feelings developed and she left him (for the last time) for me. We have had our ups & downs, mainly due to her personality changes which are due to her childhood years and how she was neglected alot of her life.

 

We've been together for almost 2 years, during this time her ex has tried contact with her, but what is really worrysome is that he hangs out alot with her dad. They are even on the same pool team. While I always showed him & her family respect (it was the way I was brought up) he is not only racist, but aggronant, self-rightous and I believe narcissist. He also has a very, very bad temper. He used to brag about his beating up guys when he was younger.

 

That said, it seems like he's been trying to make up lost time with my wife. In the mean time he's neglected his family he has now. Another wife and took in two kids. One who is 16, moved out in Dec. to her dad's because she could not take him anymore. Constant fighting, put-downs, emotional abuse.

 

I've tried getting along with him, trying to let alot of things pass. I can be vocal at times, but it was his house and while his wife would come to me because of all the problems they were having I would talk to her but let things go when he would make insults towards his own family.

 

Last night that came to an end.

 

On sunday night he asked his daughter (my wife) to come to a pool match with him. That he wanted her to join his team. She's not all that interested in playing pool, besides she works 50+ hours a week and has no time for herself, but she agreed. I came with to this "match". Well, I did not know at the time that my wife's ex was on his pool team. He showed about an hour into the match. My wife wanted to leave before then, but when we did leave I walked right upto him (her ex) while he was at the bar and stared at him for a few moments, waiting for him to look at me. My wife's step-mom pulled me back. No words were exchanged. He's tried to create conflict within our marriage.

 

Anyway, that had me upset that not only does her ex still try to stick his nose into our business, but her dad lets him. My own wife told me that her dad told her, that he told her ex that 'The only reason why my daughter is living with him is because she needs a roof over her head'. It's those kinda statements that upset me, while if you talk to him he'll look you right in the eye and tell you that while they shoot pool together nothing regarding my wife is ever talked about. What a lie..

 

Anyway so you have a background portrait of him, this is what happened last night.

 

My wife & me were at dinner when her step-mom called, wanting us to come over. My wife was sick but to make him happy we went. Right away he was shooting pool with her (they have a table) and talking about joining the team. I just went along with it. Us 4 all shot pool for an hour, me, my wife, him & his wife. It was late and my wife wanted to go home, so we were going..

 

I was at the door when she asked if her ex was going to be at any of these last matches (the season ends in 3 weeks) and he said no (which I think is a lie). Any event this turned out to become a discussion. Me showing my concern on how her ex never did things with her family and now since the break up he's been coming over & paling around etc with her dad. I told him it makes it hard to get close to him. He agreed saying he's was in my shoes with his wife's ex and how he has to deal with him almost all the time because of the kids. I'm thinking if he understood why the f*** would he put her ex on his pool team? He's the type that will tell people what they want to hear. I told him 'Im gonna ask you a personal question, how can you be buddies with him knowing what he did to your daughter?'. Because at this point I was upset, I didn't show it but I will protect my wife no matter what. He's like as long as he didn't hit her. I'm like what? What about all the emotional abuse? It was like he was protecting her ex at all costs.

 

Anyway, although the subject was touchy things were being talked about in a civil manner. I was across the room next to the TV so it was hard to hear at times. Out of the blue he said something but didn't catch wind of it. All I said was 'What?'. He got up non-chalantly and when he got close to me (notice at this time my hands were in my pocket) decided to throw his forearm into my throat and push my head back into the wall yelling 'You promised me when you married her you wouldn't take her away from me'. I pushed him off and got into defense mode. My wife & his wife both ran over and was telling him to stop. He looked like he was going to even hit his wife. I then walked out when she asked me too. My wife was in there trying to calm him down and her step-mom came outside. At no point did I ever stop my wife from seeing him. I told her step-mom this and she agrees with me. My wife was telling her dad the same thing. That she is working all the time and she has her own life.

 

I told her step-mom that I'm not coming around anymore. That this guy has serious issues to deal with. It's now pretty obvious he doesn't like me for some reason and that he would be more than happy to break up our marriage.

 

About 5 mins go by and he comes out walking up the driveway still in a way that prepares me to be defensive. He didn't apologize to me, but hugged his wife. She told him what he did was extremely wrong. His excuse was 'I thought he was getting cocky to me when he gave me that look & said 'what''. I'm thinking WTF? Then he said that the look I gave him was the same look his wife's ex used to give him. I'm thinking "Ya, ok you psycho'. He then stuck out his hand to shake mine. I really didn't want to shake it but figured it might calm him down some. Last thing my wife needs to see is me & him getting into a fight. He then mentioned that he doesn't have anyone to talk to since his mom died. I then told him you have us to talk to, but there is no need to attack me like that. His response? "Oh, that was just a curtosity attack, I could've used my fists". That's when I had TOTALLY enough. My wife was driving, I got into the car & so did she. We left.

 

She was driving around some and had to stop. It was the first time I saw her cry that hard. She said she never saw him like this before, that she was afraid he was going to kill me. I told him what he did was very wrong, it was even a cheap shot at that, in terms of me having my hands in my pockets. She said that she was going to have a talk with him, in that she would not talk to him again if he was going to act this way. I told her that I am no longer going over there. She can go over there as much as she wants, but right now I don't have a father-in-law. He was way too emotionally unstable.

 

My main concern now is that I know he'll try to get even more revenge. That is his way of dealing with things. Good chance he'll be trying to ask my wife over to see him while he also asks her ex at the sametime. Not only is she dealing with this, but her mom is also with a guy who's an alcoholic and is now under house arrest for sexually molesting a 17 year old boy. Her mom is brainwashed.

 

She didn't talk much more last night, I'm letting her talk when she's ready. All she said was that things have totally changed, that she'll never get that image out of her head on what he did. Her birthday is tomorrow so we are spending the day together but I know it's not going to be joyful. If her dad has something for her, I won't be there. I don't think she would even go. Like I told them all, I just want to live in peace and have everyone get along, but it's hard when you have a father-in-law that back stabs you and does this kind of crap.

 

I should have pressed charges but didn't because of my wife. At this point if any of you had difficult times with family-in-laws please let me know how you dealt with them. This guy is totally unrational. He is always right (so he thinks). I see the pain my wife has with not only this but with past memories. I will ask her if she wants to see a councilor again, in which I doubt she will but it's worth a try.

[ThumbingMyWay]

Dam J....that is messed up.

 

i agree that her Dad has some DEEP internal issues. And he projects those issues onto othres....he turns stuff around to be the others fault. He blames and projects because deep inside, he knows he is wrong and a bad father....but he cant admit it....so he plays games and is in constant defense mode for fear of actual having to FEEL his feelings. HE has some major walls around him. I bet he had the same upbringing as a child as your wife had with him. Neglect, abuse, etc. It is all he knows....

 

Same with your wife....her first expericne with a mans bahavior was her father.....and her first husband mirrored her fathers behavour....

 

I think her dad feels anger toward you becasue he knows YOU KNOW the truth about him. He knows you ARE a good caring person...and he cant control you like he does her EX.

 

 

Not sure what to tell you.....but what yuo described in her childlife is similar to my wifes. Emo abuse, alchohol abuse, phy abuse.....left mother to be with dad at age 16...dad dies when she was 22....her mom finally in the last few years sobered up and abmits she wasnt a good mother.

 

The thing is....all of these experinces are inside my wife.....one of the reasons she thinks see had her affair...was becasue the OM told her he loved her...and that she was a good person, beautiful.....all the thngs she never heard as a child....so she was unconsciously attarched to that feeling of someone caring for you.

 

 

 

In addition to IC for you wife.....

 

J - I highly suggest BOTH OF YOU read this book. My wife and I are, and it is amazing how they describe childhood problems that you still caring today...and how they affect the way you are. BUT the good thing is...this book shows you how to recognize them....deal with them and change them....it is really a good book.

 

Its called Conscious Loving (by Hendrix). I realy think it will help you guys, giving the emo baggage you wife carries.....I know its helping me and my wife....

[PatientOne]

Man, I'm so sorry for you to have to deal with that.

 

It sounds like you should consider cutting all contact with this piece of ****. And soon. Your wife owes him nothing.

 

My wife and I had to do that with her family, and its been 16 drama free years since then. It's a tough thing at first, but it will be better for you both in the long run.

[Mz. Pixie]

J- I am so sorry that things are going this way for you and your wife.

 

I have been in a similar situation but with my mother not my father. I think you did a incredibly good job of handling yourself. Not many men would have taken that without getting into a brawl with him.

 

Your wife is going to have to set some boundaries with him. She should perhaps tell him she loves him and will be glad to come around, but that you are her husband- that he shouldn't make her choose. Also, she should tell him she will NOT come around the ex and that out of respect for her and your marriage he shouldn't ask her to or set up any "meetings" . She should tell him his actions were unacceptable too and that if he ever does that again, their relationship will be over. That is the only way to deal with crazies like this.

 

Counseling would be soo good for her, I hope she chooses to go!

[jmargel]

I agree with both of you. I just ordered that book to read. Of the year & half that I've known him he has not said one good thing about anyone. Never complimented anyone either. I noticed that my wife hardly ever complimented me, and looking back it's all making sense.

 

The problem is I don't want my wife to be like her dad. I don't want to be treated like she was treated. I don't want to be lied to, cheated on, put-down (she is very critical of me and when I mention that to her she says she is doing it to make me a better person). I told her that's not the way to go about it. I need to find a way to approach her so that she doesn't follow in his footsteps. I already see similarities in how they approach situations, etc..

 

I wish I could break all ties with him along with my wife, but I know he'll sucker her back in. Even though he's messed up he is still her father. I can't deny her that. I told her last night that none of this was her fault, but I know she's taking this to heart. When I asked if she's going to be ok, she said no.

 

I don't know how much more stress she can take. From work to major family problems to adjusting to marriage she just may break. I can see it, at some point something is going to give. The problem on top of that is she really has no one to talk to besides me. Someone outside the whole ordeal. Its hard for her to just let everything out with a counselor, she's the type that she needs to warm upto someone first which takes a very long time for her to do.

 

What can I exactly say to her to try to calm her down some? I'm usually the one here giving advice but now I am asking for some. Do I not say anything? I've told her I would be there when she wants to talk but I know she is hurting. I don't want this to cause more stress in our marriage. Things won't ever be the same between me & him and it's going to make it very awkward.

 

His wife has expressed her wanting to leave him a number of times but I believe is afraid to do so. Her ex used to beat her. Although my wife's dad has never hit her, the amount of emotional abuse he's done is just as bad as physical.

[Moose]

I wish I could break all ties with him along with my wife, but I know he'll sucker her back in.

I was going to suggest doing just that. To hell with him trying to suck her back in. You two don't need him, (or anyone else for that matter), to carry on in your lives. You have each other, and that's all you need. Your wife's childhood is exactley what I went through. Nothing was ever solved with them because of their drinking. They simply don't have the equipment to carry on a casual conversation let alone know how to treat other people.

 

It may be hard for your wife, but in all reality, you two made a comittment to each other to leave your families and begin one of your own.

 

I say screw all of them, never call them, never go over there, don't even send them B-day cards. Ok, Maybe the Father, but him only and from your wife only. You can't reason with people like this, period. It's best for all parities involved to stay away from each other.

 

That's my take on it.

[Debster]

It's a tough position to be in, I'll give you that.

I do think however, that your wife seems to be very easily manipulated by her father.

It also appears as if her father wants his daughter to be back with her ex.

Granted that will make you want to be as far away from him as possible and avoid all contact.

However, that might give him more ammo.

My opinion and advice - kill him with kindness. Be the better man. Avoid - at all costs - any confrontation.

When you see her ex do the same thing.

Give them nothing to twist around.

Let your wife start to see with her own eyes how twisted her father is without you encouraging it.

good luck.

[jmargel]

Moose that's how I feel in regards to her family but she has a very passionate heart and said she just wants to make things right to have everyone get along. If she's going to stop seeing her dad then she needs to bring that up. I won't do that to her. I can't make her choose.

 

She told me that he doesn't care for me because I am not like him. Well that's pretty pathetic to have that kind of attitude. Both my wife & me agreed before that we were not going to discuss any sort of problems in our marriage to him because of him going to her ex. I'm sure he will be telling him, but that's not my concern. As long as my wife doesn't start getting phone calls from her ex.

 

Not only is she going through problems with her childhood, her dad and her mom being married to a child molestor. She hasn't dealt with being raped over a 6 month period when she was 16 by her dad's gf's son. She also had a baby 5 years ago that died during delivery. All this is bottled up and I have mentioned to her when she was ready she can talk to me. She got to the point about the baby (not the rape) with the counselor and decided to stop going. She wasn't ready to talk about it and relive all those memories. I'm truly hoping she will go back.

[jmargel]

Debster, I won't confront her dad, but I believe she saw last night how twisted he is. She was pretty well horrified on what went on. But it's true she is easily manuiplated by her dad. I would think most girls are, especially being brought up in that environment.

[Moose]

she has a very passionate heart and said she just wants to make things right to have everyone get along.

I can guarentee you, with my LIFE even, that this is just not going to happen! You are going to have to convince her of that. It just will not happen unless her Dad is strong enough to put the bottle down. I promise I'm not blowing smoke up your ass, I've seen it, been there, and done that! It will never happen.

 

I'm truly sorry for what your wife has gone through. But in all honesty, these things need to be left behind. Not forgotten, just left behind.

 

I've been through the abuse, emotionally, physically, sexually......I have huge memory gaps of my childhood and early manhood which I dubbed as a blessing rather than a curse. The reason why is because if I had those memories to dwell on, I'd be in a looney bin.

 

She needs to move on, without involving herself with her father. I know that sounds horrible, but for her health's sake, it may be the only way.

[Mz. Pixie]

I totally agree with Moose. I can guarantee you almost 100 percent that things will "never be okay" there. How? Years and years of emotional, sexual, physical abuse that I went through myself. It never changed, up until the point one of my abusers died. The other is on his death bed and I have no contact with. That is the only way you can get free. Before my mothers death I had very very limited contact with her, I was compassionate about her illness and even paid for her burial but I didn't let her abuse me or my family.

 

This is why the Bible says, "A man shall leave his father and mother.........." same thing goes for women.

 

Your wife has been through alot. The best advice I can give you is to follow her lead. If she wants to talk, let her. At no time try to make this about you in any way. My EXH never understood my childhood and it caused some distance between us. Don't try to force her to be in a good mood when she doesn't feel like it. She's gotten a rough break, and it sucks. It's okay to acknowledge that.

 

I had a kind of a breakdown last year around this time that lasted several months, during which I had a affair and all kinds of things happened. Probably because after all I'd been through I had a severe case of PTSD which started to surface. Counseling helped me so much. I'm sure it would help her if you could only encourage her to go!

[whichwayisup]

Letting go and realizing you can't change a parent is really hard. It's almost conditioned as children we LOVE our parents no matter what...

 

Your wife is a peacemaker, she doesn't want to disappoint or have disapproval thrown her way from her dad. Thing is, no matter what she does to try to make it work, IT won't. The sooner she deals with her feelings and can change her way of thinking (cuz he isn't going to change EVER) the better she will be.

 

Has she seen a therapist? Her issues are deep rooted and always inside her...Just waiting to come up.

 

The worries you have that she will be the same way towards you, nip that now. She's aware of it and maybe with CBT (Cognitive Behaviour Therapy) that can help her change her thinking, processing, reacting etc...

 

She's lucky to have you as a support system JM, but you can't do it all.

 

Hang in there, I'm sure it's been a rollercoaster for both of you.

[RecordProducer]

You know, life is full of sh*t; some people have step-kids, some have financial problems, some deal with sexual problems, some with cheating, and some have in-laws that are idiots. There has to be something to ruin your happiness. Try to not pay attention to him. It's hard for both you and your wife.

Talk to her about her ex-boyfriend and her feelings for him. I am pretty certain that she will assure you that she hates him.

My advice to you about her dad - play a victim as much as you can. If you sue him or hit him or do anything to defend yourself, your wife will no longer be on your side. She will see it as an act against her. No matter what an idiot her dad is, she LOVES him! Don't forget that. No matter what she says about him, that's the only father she knows. The whole situation pisses you of, but it HURTS her.

[Ladyjane14]

It sounds like your FIL is a bully, and has been a bully all his life. His relationships with EVERYONE else, as you have described them have been TOXIC.

 

Bullies can either be ignored, or failing that....you can roll up your shirt-sleeves and kick the bully's ass.

 

Fun thought, but not at all practical.

 

Your wife should put him in his place. I'd recommend that she do that by phone though and not within arm's reach. He's not at all rational, and could easily up the ante by behaving badly.

 

My father has never said a cross word to my husband....even when hubby had it coming. Because he knew he'd have to deal with ME! I'd have nothing whatsoever to do with ANYONE who put their hands on my husband....I'd not be dealing in a friendly way anyhow.

 

Your wife needs to understand that FIL acting out towards you is blatently disrespectful of HER. You are her husband. He's in her "personal space" there. It's a matter of her father still staking his claim, and demanding loyalty that is INAPPROPRIATE. If she doesn't deal with that, it will never stop....and she'll have no healthy relationship with him anyway.

 

It might cause problems for you to be demanding in regards to that. However, you might consider providing her with resources in 'how to deal with toxic people'.

[Moose]

No matter what an idiot her dad is, she LOVES him! Don't forget that. No matter what she says about him, that's the only father she knows.

It sounds to me that you're inserting your own feelings into this. What you seem, ( And probably countless others ), to not understand is that when she married Jmargel, she decided to leave her Dad, and bond with her husband.

My father has never said a cross word to my husband....even when hubby had it coming. Because he knew he'd have to deal with ME! I'd have nothing whatsoever to do with ANYONE who put their hands on my husband....I'd not be dealing in a friendly way anyhow.

And this is a prime example of what I mean. Although, knowing a little about her from her posts, I'm sure that Ladyjane14 wouldn't let harm come to anyone she loves, including her own father. The point is, she would stand by her man........ That's what she agreed to do when she married him.

[moimeme]

If I were you, I'd find a job several states away and move. Leave all the drama behind and take you two someplace where you can get clear of these poisonous relationships. You'd love to help these folks, but they are all embroiled in issues of their own and situations they've created. You both have made suggestions but nobody's listening because you're 'just kids' (you always will be to them). So pack your bags and beat it far away before you both end up having breakdowns.

[Ladyjane14]

Originally posted by Moose

I'm sure that Ladyjane14 wouldn't let harm come to anyone she loves, including her own father. The point is, she would stand by her man........ That's what she agreed to do when she married him.

 

You're right about that Moose. And does he ever put me to the test sometimes!

 

My father doesn't always agree with me, but he always respects me. I'm a grown woman. I deserve it, and I've earned it. And I'm gonna have it too!

 

Although, you're right....I do deal gently with my father. He's earned my respect as well. That doesn't mean that my stance with him isn't firm if that's what's needed though.

 

You can't very well "stand by your man", when you can't stand up for yourself. And you can't lose what you don't have.

 

Mrs. JMargel would probably dearly love a better relationship with her father, but if it's not already there, what does she have to lose by demanding that she be treated with respect?

[Ladyjane14]

Originally posted by moimeme

If I were you, I'd find a job several states away and move. Leave all the drama behind and take you two someplace where you can get clear of these poisonous relationships.

 

Don't dismiss this out of hand JMargel. Distance can truly be your friend when dealing with the relatives!

 

I love all mine dearly, close kin and in-law's alike. But it's nice to love them from a distance sometimes.

[jmargel]

I wouldn't mind being a very far distance from her dad, but I am extremely close with my family and right now it's not possible to just up & leave. I did ask her about this and she said she would move to a different state.

 

It was her b-day yesterday. She told me she talked to her brother & her step-mom. Her brother I guess was upset on what happened and told her he would talk with his dad. They called but we didn't pick up. Her dad called her cell yesterday but she missed it. She decided not to call back. She also told me that he was planning something for her on Saturday night but she said she doesn't think she's going to go. When I try to talk about it, she tells me she doesn't want to talk about it, so I don't push the issue.

 

I talked to another friend about this and I think she nailed one part of this. Her dad is a control freak and he is more upset that he can't control me. I mean he's with a woman that has basically made her daughter move out of the house. Previously the mother & daughter were extremely close. Everytime I see her I can see how much she misses her daughter. We have the TV on in our room alot and it just so happened when my wife woke up yesterday this woman on TV was talking about the "sweetheart syndrom". Where as when you were a child and if you were never told you did a good job, that you were constantly a disappointment that you will try to do anything to please the father figure. It was strange this came on like that. I looked at her and saw her really listening to it. I didn't say anything, I let her think about some things.

 

I asked her about counseling but she didn't want to go. I really wish she would. She has a tendency of not talking about things and I know this is going to come out in a bad way if she doesn't. But I also know I can't force her. Right now I am laying back and still "playing the victim". This one friend I talked to, told me that I should go over when she does and kill him with kindness. That me not going over is his way of controlling me and possibly allowing to have her ex over at the same time. I still don't know about that. I mean I can't be there to watch over my wife, I need to trust her. If I don't have trust the marriage isn't worth being in. I know her dad could care less if I was there or not. She doesn't like going over there herself because it's all negative. All he does is bitch about the world from the time we are there until the time we leave. All I told her is that he's going to eventually alienate his whole family, she didn't say anything about that. I think she knows that's going to happen sooner or later.

 

He used to drink alot, but from what I understand drinks very little now. But his attitude is still the same. Not only are we dealing with this, we are dealing with her mom who's married to another guy who's molested a 17 year old boy but has also walked around naked when my wife used to live at her moms and would "test the waters" to see what my wife's reaction would be by doing certain unappropirate things. My wife feels betrayed by her mom. Thing is, her mom is like June Cleaver. The domestic housewife, very sweet, etc.. Yet, this happens.

 

On top of that she's also dealing with all her childhood issues, the rape, losing the baby, etc.. I don't know how else to help her or to get her to talk. The more I try the more she clams up. However letting it go doesn't do any good either. I've tried that approach. I have a feeling that she's afraid to face all what's happened to her, it would be way too much and overload her and she would have a breakdown. This is just really tough right now.

[whichwayisup]

I asked her about counseling but she didn't want to go. I really wish she would.

 

On top of that she's also dealing with all her childhood issues, the rape, losing the baby, etc.. I don't know how else to help her or to get her to talk. The more I try the more she clams up. However letting it go doesn't do any good either. I've tried that approach. I have a feeling that she's afraid to face all what's happened to her, it would be way too much and overload her and she would have a breakdown. This is just really tough right now.

J, there really isn't anything more you can do except love her and be there for her, show support and gently suggest once in a while that seeing a therapist really is the only way for her to deal with her issues. She's been through SO much, my god! And then having to deal with her father and now I just read what you said about her mom and that guy! Geez...How much pain can somebody take? That's alot and she's holding it in...Not a good thing.

 

I hope for her sake she realizes she needs to talk to a professional, atleast a grief councillor, to help her cope with all that loss.

[Mz. Pixie]

J-

 

My heart just goes out to your wife. I can see so much of myself in her situation. I resisted counseling for so long- I mean, I was the only NORMAL one in my family- why did I need counseling? Your wife has been through different things than me- she was raped- I was molested- she had a good mom who she feels chose someone else over her- i had a horrible mom who chose someone else over me- she lost a baby- I never did-but everyone in my family has had a drug or alcohol problem but me.

 

I want you to fully recognize if you haven't how incredibly strong she is. Give her praise for that. What she has been through would have killed alot of people. That was me, always the strong one- oh, the pix can take it- look at what she's been through! Turns out I couldn't take it all- it got to be too much. My therapist said it was a miracle that it took me two years to fully breakdown- it would have taken most people a much shorter period of time. Your support is going to mean the most to her- even if you can't tell it. Take some of the stress off of her anyway you can. Make her feel special. Don't make her always be so tough with you! I never felt I could lean on my exh and that is another reason why our marriage failed. Be there to hold her when she needs it.

 

Loving someone who has been through trama isn't easy- so give yourself some credit for that. She probably won't go to therapy until she's ready. It took the birth of my first child to send me there- when I thought, wait a minute, I could never do to this child what was done to me.

 

I don't know what else to say except that I just hurt for her.