Moy Posted February 26, 2015 Share Posted February 26, 2015 Hi, Most of you will have seen my thread about being 5'8" and how that puts women off online. The replies in that thread show that my height is not as much of a limiting factor as I think it is, especially as it was no hindrance in real life when I was younger. (I've been single since Jan 2013, been using OLD since March 2013 and I haven't had much of a social life....so POF has been my main contact with women in the past two years!) So......the problem is with my self esteem, not my height - especially when taking into account that I'm in decent shape for my age. Also, I have just been made redundant from my job. Terrible you might think. Nope. I'd been there 20 years and as such qualified for a very generous severance package (I can live off my severance pay to my current lifestyle for well over a year) which has given me the opportunity to better myself, take stock of my life, undertake a training course and then get back into the job market. This is the break I need in order to get out of my rut! I see so many threads with the usual "It's not fair....women/men don't like me online because *insert perceived defect here*" and the fact is that the problem lies within ourselves. My name is Moy and being of just below average height is an irrelevance. Next step - shaking off the insecurity once and for all. Any pointers? Link to post Share on other sites
Toodaloo Posted February 26, 2015 Share Posted February 26, 2015 Have boundaries and don't let anyone cross them... Helped me no end over the past year. You can still be lovely just not a doormat... 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Gaeta Posted February 26, 2015 Share Posted February 26, 2015 Have a sense of humor, laughter is the way to a woman's heart. Link to post Share on other sites
insert_name Posted February 26, 2015 Share Posted February 26, 2015 Self esteem and confidence is a big thing but you do have to be careful with what you read on here. A lot of what people say just does not tally with what I see and experience in everyday life. I call it 'the Unicorn effect', you will come on here and lament that unicorns dont exist and someone will predictably pop up on here and say "hey Im a unicorn, of course we exist, its your fault for not looking hard enough for us!" The point I am trying to make is not to think that height is not a thing and it all comes down to self esteem. Can we pproject enough confidence and security about ourselves that we can influence our environment through sheer determination and power of will and make people attracted to us despite some 'undesirable' attributes? I think so, but only to a certain extent. Be positive and upbeat but do it for yourself without expectation of any return in your investment. Just be careful of falling in the trap where you give a positive attitude a try for a few months and find that it doesnt pay off in the way that you hoped, I speak from experience when I say that that can crush you harder than just being yyourself when you realise that the changes you made actually have very little impact on your environment. Like I say, the key is to have a positive attitude for yourself rather than with the express intention of making yourself more marketable in terms of dating. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
PegNosePete Posted February 26, 2015 Share Posted February 26, 2015 It's almost 12 months now, since I trekked to Everest Base Camp. It's not as hard as you might think. I'd very much recommend it. It's great for your confidence, self esteem, socializng, teamwork and conversation skills, gives you some great stories and photos, and looks fantastic on your OLD profile! Seriously, look into it (or something similar). I'm doing Machu Picchu next. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
insert_name Posted February 26, 2015 Share Posted February 26, 2015 Have a sense of humor, laughter is the way to a woman's heart. You would think so wouldnt you? But its not. A sense of humour is geat for winning friends and influencing people but thats not going to make the difference in terms of romantic interest unless you have everything else in your life to a standard that the woman approves of. I am always being told by women that I am hilarious - I do have an off the wall sense of humour that seems to pique interest, but does that translate to romantic interest? No, the girls keep me around as a friend and invite me out when they fancy a laugh and then go home with the stereotypical hot dude who has half the personality but has smouldering looks. And why not? Because its a sense of humour, they can basically get the milk without investing anything in the cow. Hang out with the funny guy, bang the hot dude- epic win. A sense of humour is obviously a good quality but its not as high up the pecking order of qualities as women make out. IME anyway. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
insert_name Posted February 26, 2015 Share Posted February 26, 2015 It's almost 12 months now, since I trekked to Everest Base Camp. It's not as hard as you might think. I'd very much recommend it. It's great for your confidence, self esteem, socializng, teamwork and conversation skills, gives you some great stories and photos, and looks fantastic on your OLD profile! Seriously, look into it (or something similar). I'm doing Machu Picchu next. This is good advice, travel of any sort is good for giving a positive frame of mind- especially something a bit unique/challenging like the above. I have a trip to Israel coming up and am planning to tackle siberia at the end of the year, its given me a good buzz recently and is something positive to occupy my mind that involves me myself and I only. As opposed to worrying about how Im going to end up a forever alone. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
thefooloftheyear Posted February 26, 2015 Share Posted February 26, 2015 You would think so wouldnt you? But its not. A sense of humour is geat for winning friends and influencing people but thats not going to make the difference in terms of romantic interest unless you have everything else in your life to a standard that the woman approves of. I am always being told by women that I am hilarious - I do have an off the wall sense of humour that seems to pique interest, but does that translate to romantic interest? No, the girls keep me around as a friend and invite me out when they fancy a laugh and then go home with the stereotypical hot dude who has half the personality but has smouldering looks. And why not? Because its a sense of humour, they can basically get the milk without investing anything in the cow. Hang out with the funny guy, bang the hot dude- epic win. A sense of humour is obviously a good quality but its not as high up the pecking order of qualities as women make out. IME anyway. Not saying its true of you, but there is a big difference between the guy thats a clown and the guy that can laugh things off at times, or doesn't take himself so seriously all the time... TFY Link to post Share on other sites
Toodaloo Posted February 26, 2015 Share Posted February 26, 2015 I'm doing Machu Picchu next. You will find it easier. Look into the less touristy route though - its costs less and has better views on the way up! Link to post Share on other sites
JuneJulySeptember Posted February 26, 2015 Share Posted February 26, 2015 (edited) It's an impossible question to answer unless you state what you want. Would you only date a woman if she has a doctorate, makes $100,000/yr, or has done exciting things like climb the face of Everest and go to Machu Picchu? If yes, then go do those things. It bears mentioning that some women who have not done/accomplished those things still want guys who have, but that is not all women. Otherwise, it's a line that you must set for yourself. How much will you do impress women/people? For example, I work with guys who are over 40, don't really go out, or do anything, and don't really make any effort to meet women. They've decided not to put in effort with women or really people in general (and I can't really blame them). If you went to Mt. Everest, but you could never tell stories about it to anybody, would you still do it? Things like climbing the face of Everest do impress women/people, but then you still have to have the charisma to deliver the stories. Do you see where I'm going with this? Impressing women/people is a never ending game and you have to draw the line in the sand yourself. Edited February 26, 2015 by JuneJulySeptember Link to post Share on other sites
Toodaloo Posted February 26, 2015 Share Posted February 26, 2015 It's an impossible question to answer unless you state what you want. Would you only date a woman if she has a doctorate, makes $100,000/yr, or has done exciting things like climb the face of Everest and go to Machu Picchu? If yes, then go do those things. It bears mentioning that some women who have not done/accomplished those things still want guys who have, but that is not all women. Otherwise, it's a line that you must set for yourself. How much will you do impress women/people? For example, I work with guys who are over 40, don't really go out, or do anything, and don't really make any effort to meet women. They've decided not to put in effort with women or really people in general (and I can't really blame them). If you went to Mt. Everest, but you could never tell stories about it to anybody, would you still do it? Things like climbing the face of Everest do impress women/people, but then you still have to have the charisma to deliver the stories. Do you see where I'm going with this? Impressing women/people is a never ending game and you have to draw the line in the sand yourself. I think thats the whole point though. Moy is looking for ways and ideas to gain confidence and feel good about himself and do things for himself so he can change not just his dating life but his whole attitude and outlook... He wants to improve himself not for women but for himself... 3 Link to post Share on other sites
JuneJulySeptember Posted February 26, 2015 Share Posted February 26, 2015 (edited) I think thats the whole point though. Moy is looking for ways and ideas to gain confidence and feel good about himself and do things for himself so he can change not just his dating life but his whole attitude and outlook... He wants to improve himself not for women but for himself... Those things are not really done for yourself. Unless you really want to climb a mountain and you don't give a sh@t who knows about it. He's not on an REI/Helly Hansen forum asking about what gear he needs to climb a mountain. He's on a dating site asking about how to improve himself and somebody suggested climbing a mountain. There's nothing wrong with doing things to impress/charm people. Everybody does it. Well, almost everybody. You just have to draw the line yourself. All I was saying. Edited February 26, 2015 by JuneJulySeptember Link to post Share on other sites
PegNosePete Posted February 26, 2015 Share Posted February 26, 2015 He's on a dating site asking about how to improve himself and somebody suggested climbing a mountain. Actually I suggested trekking to base camp. There's no mountain climbing involved. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Moy Posted February 26, 2015 Author Share Posted February 26, 2015 I think thats the whole point though. Moy is looking for ways and ideas to gain confidence and feel good about himself and do things for himself so he can change not just his dating life but his whole attitude and outlook... He wants to improve himself not for women but for himself... Exactly right.....and as I'm a complete gym junkie, I've enrolled for a Personal Trainer Course, starting in April! 2 Link to post Share on other sites
GravityMan Posted February 26, 2015 Share Posted February 26, 2015 Don't overdo or overthink the self-improvement, Moy. A lot of us "improve" ourselves without really laser-focusing on it. We are constantly learning, doing things hands-on, and taking feedback (verbal and non-verbal) into account, after all. Sometimes trial and error is how you learn and get better. For the most part you become a better person with unforced hands-on experience. Just have a positive attitude, do interesting things in your life (the Everest Base Camp idea seems cool) and interact with society with no strings attached. This should be a long-term thing, so have some patience. Eventually, your better attitude and lifestyle will become ingrained and second nature. A lot of people's issues are tied directly to their mentality and attitude. Not saying its true of you, but there is a big difference between the guy thats a clown and the guy that can laugh things off at times, or doesn't take himself so seriously all the time... TFY Correct, and I'm pretty sure that the latter case is what the majority of women (and men) mean when they say "sense of humor". People will feel more comfortable around those who aren't uptight, doesn't beat himself up when he makes a mistake, doesn't blow things out of proportion and can take a joke. A molehill is a molehill, not a mountain. Even in serious situations, having a lighthearted attitude (while still being considerate of the situation) is far better than being on-edge. I think that a person's ability to lighten up has a very strong link to his or her self-esteem. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
GemmaUK Posted February 26, 2015 Share Posted February 26, 2015 Don't sit on your heels. Get job searching now. This will do your esteem the most good and you will keep hold of your back up funds (severance). Don't squander it and it's way better to be in the job market than out of it. Go out of your comfort zone, go out, smile at people - anyone. The more positive attention you give and get back the better you will feel. Link to post Share on other sites
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