grabaka Posted February 26, 2015 Share Posted February 26, 2015 My wife of 5 years left me for a married man and she filed for divorce. After the man used her for sex for 2 months he left my stbx and went back to his marriage. This led to my wife saying she potentially wanted to work on us. I figured it was only because her AP dumped her. I told her to cancel the divorce and she said the only way she would work on us is if we got fully divorced, we each work on ourselves first, then potentially we could date each other again. To me that sounded like she just wanted me there as a fall back in case life wasnt panning out for her. I declined and were now divorced. When she made that offer I explained to her I started going on dates with a woman. My stbx said she was not jealous or bothered by it but she kept throwing it in my face. I think it did bother her, I think she doesnt want me to move on...she wants me sitting around upset pining for her. Anyways Im confused to why she came back the last minute, and was she sincere or using me as a fall back. I started NC with her and its been 2 weeks. She told me the last time we spoke she is not ok with never talking to me or seeing me again, thats her fault...she did wrong and these are the consequences. Any opinions or views on this situation is much appreciated. Thanks! Link to post Share on other sites
Ruby65 Posted February 26, 2015 Share Posted February 26, 2015 Honestly, if there aren't any kids from the marriage, I don't know why you'd want to ever have anything to do with her ever again. She's treated you in an unacceptable manner. Yes -- as a safety net, and for some reason not even trying to hide it? You deserve much much better than this. Does this woman you're dating know you're still considering getting back with your ex-wife? 1 Link to post Share on other sites
chew123 Posted February 26, 2015 Share Posted February 26, 2015 Do you want her back? You don't really say whether you do or you don't. That is the first thing you have to decide. If it were me I would not take her back. 5 year marriage and no children. You have already started dating. Sounds like you are moving forward. And the fact that he is the one that ended the affair speaks volumes. Link to post Share on other sites
Clay Posted February 26, 2015 Share Posted February 26, 2015 If you dont have kids then move on and never look back. Some cheaters learn but clearly you already know your xW did not. What loving caring woman would not want to die over the thought of her husband leaving her and being with another woman. Her saying its ok for you to go be with other women really shows just how much she realized what she lost. Clearly you are right. You were plan B all along. Now you are choosing for yourself what plan to go on in life. Good for you. Plenty of better women out there. Clay Link to post Share on other sites
LoveMyCat Posted February 26, 2015 Share Posted February 26, 2015 Get the divorce now, while she wants one. She might not cooperate later, when you really want out. Link to post Share on other sites
KBarletta Posted February 26, 2015 Share Posted February 26, 2015 To me that sounded like she just wanted me there as a fall back in case life wasnt panning out for her. This is exactly what it sounds like. Classic cake-eating. She wants you as Plan B but doesn't want anyone else to have you as Plan A. Nothing about this situation is fair to you. I'd cut and run. Link to post Share on other sites
Author grabaka Posted February 26, 2015 Author Share Posted February 26, 2015 Honestly, if there aren't any kids from the marriage, I don't know why you'd want to ever have anything to do with her ever again. She's treated you in an unacceptable manner. Yes -- as a safety net, and for some reason not even trying to hide it? You deserve much much better than this. Does this woman you're dating know you're still considering getting back with your ex-wife? Im not getting back with my ex-wife. We are divorced officially as of today. I have been doing NC with the ex-wife now for 2 weeks. I presume though my ex-wife will eventually make contact with me again to test the waters. Not happening! 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author grabaka Posted February 26, 2015 Author Share Posted February 26, 2015 Do you want her back? You don't really say whether you do or you don't. That is the first thing you have to decide. If it were me I would not take her back. 5 year marriage and no children. You have already started dating. Sounds like you are moving forward. And the fact that he is the one that ended the affair speaks volumes. Here is my opinion on their affair and why he ended it. First of yes my marriage had problems...mostly with communication. I feel as if my ex-wife vented to her, he seen she was vulnerable and preyed on it and acting caring and what not. My ex enjoyed that someone was there for her and fell for him, all the while he had the motive to just get sex out of her. He got what he wanted, and my ex professed she loved him and he was her soulmate, that scared him and he dropped her flat and returned to his marriage of 12 years and his 2 children. Do I want her back?! NO! Do I want her to realize she got played and was used? YES. Do I want her to feel like she lost everything for nothing? YES. Do I want her to feel hurt and pain, and regret what she did and grieve over me? HELL YES! Link to post Share on other sites
Author grabaka Posted February 26, 2015 Author Share Posted February 26, 2015 If you dont have kids then move on and never look back. Some cheaters learn but clearly you already know your xW did not. What loving caring woman would not want to die over the thought of her husband leaving her and being with another woman. Her saying its ok for you to go be with other women really shows just how much she realized what she lost. Clearly you are right. You were plan B all along. Now you are choosing for yourself what plan to go on in life. Good for you. Plenty of better women out there. Clay No she told me if I agreed to her terms of potentially working on us and dating one another again one day, that I was to remain single and not date anyone else. Basically sit around and wait, hope, and pray to see if her (my ex) will ever want to work on us again. Its like she doesnt want me but doesnt want me to move on. Link to post Share on other sites
Ralph79 Posted February 26, 2015 Share Posted February 26, 2015 Do I want her back?! NO! Ok. This is a very reasonable and healthy decision. Do I want her to realize she got played and was used? YES. Given your previous answer, what she realizes or not, is no longer any of your business. Other than stroking your own Ego, you have nothing to gain by this anymore. What she feels, should be of no concern to you anymore, lest you become obsessed wit her. Do I want her to feel like she lost everything for nothing? YES. She didn't lose everything. She was unhappy with you. She lost her integrity by cheating on you. She still has her health and life to keep pursuing happiness. I'd suggest you focus on yours and pay no mind to hers. Do I want her to feel hurt and pain, and regret what she did and grieve over me? HELL YES! She wronged you. She is still trying to deceive you and you handled it very well and kept your dignity. You are going to end up getting trapped in a vicious cycle of addictive bitter feelings if you continue down this path. Link to post Share on other sites
BetrayedH Posted February 26, 2015 Share Posted February 26, 2015 I'd love to have no contact with my exwife but I'm stuck coparenting with her for another 10 years. Even then I'll still have to deal with her thanks to the kids' college, weddings, our grandkids, etc.. You dodge a bullet. Don't jump back in front of it. Stick with no contact and enjoy the start of your second life. Link to post Share on other sites
Mr. Lucky Posted February 26, 2015 Share Posted February 26, 2015 Do I want her to realize she got played and was used? YES. Do I want her to feel like she lost everything for nothing? YES. Do I want her to feel hurt and pain, and regret what she did and grieve over me? HELL YES! At this point, why do you care what she thinks, feels or realizes? YOU'RE DIVORCED!!!!!!! Try looking out the front windshield of your car and in the rear-view mirror at the same time. Can't be done, you have to pick one or the other... Mr. Lucky 1 Link to post Share on other sites
toolforgrowth Posted February 26, 2015 Share Posted February 26, 2015 No she told me if I agreed to her terms of potentially working on us and dating one another again one day, that I was to remain single and not date anyone else. Basically sit around and wait, hope, and pray to see if her (my ex) will ever want to work on us again. Its like she doesnt want me but doesnt want me to move on. This is very common. Don't agree to it. "I'm not okay with putting my life on hold for you." That's it. If she continues to argue, simply repeat it. "I'm not okay with putting my life on hold for you." And if she still continues to argue, simply walk away from the conversation. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
sandylee1 Posted February 26, 2015 Share Posted February 26, 2015 At this point, why do you care what she thinks, feels or realizes? YOU'RE DIVORCED!!!!!!! Try looking out the front windshield of your car and in the rear-view mirror at the same time. Can't be done, you have to pick one or the other... Mr. Lucky I think the OPS feelings are pretty normal here. I'd be glad that my H got dumped if he ever cheated and left. Let him feel the pain I felt. Now just keep moving on with your life and maintain no contact with her. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
mightycpa Posted February 28, 2015 Share Posted February 28, 2015 Any insights? She liked some guy enough to leave your marriage, and then her ultimate reward was that she got the old heave-ho, which left her confidence shaken, because that essentially means she wasn't good enough. You, my friend, are Plan Z. She's still telling you that you're not good enough either. I note that you don't mention an apology of any kind. You did well in letter her continue to explore her new singles life. I'm sure she'll have a blast. You should too. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
LoveMyCat Posted February 28, 2015 Share Posted February 28, 2015 Long story short my wife of 5 years left me and filed for divorce. During that time I find out she was seeing a married man for about 2 1/2 months. The man dumped my now ex-wife and went back to his marriage. Immediately after that happened my now ex started talking to me again and said she would potentially like to work on us (we werent divorced yet). Her terms were we had to get fully divorced first, live separate, "focus on ourselves first and becoming better people", then potentially we could date one another again.To me that sounded like she wanted me on the back burner, I declined. Were now divorced and I have done NC with her now for 2 weeks. But it really messes with my head why she finally came back, and about the offer to potentially work on us one day. I think she doesnt want me but doesnt want anyone else to have me. Any insights? She wants you to continue to think there is a chance for reconciliation, in hopes that you won't find love elsewhere, while she feels free to look for herself. So yes, she wants a Plan B. You are well out of it. Link to post Share on other sites
Author grabaka Posted March 1, 2015 Author Share Posted March 1, 2015 She liked some guy enough to leave your marriage, and then her ultimate reward was that she got the old heave-ho, which left her confidence shaken, because that essentially means she wasn't good enough. You, my friend, are Plan Z. She's still telling you that you're not good enough either. I note that you don't mention an apology of any kind. You did well in letter her continue to explore her new singles life. I'm sure she'll have a blast. You should too. She somewhat gave me an apology, it was along the lines of Im sorry I never meant to hurt you. I never got with him physically until I filed for divorce...yada yada. I asked her if she regrets it, she didn't say yes or no. She said something stupid like well it was meant to happened because everything happens for a reason. I told her that was stupid and that's just justifying. All in all were now divorced, and even though I need to be moving on its hard. I ask myself daily why she did what she did, then had the nerve to come back and specify a stupid offer. I just wish I could turn off my mind and forget her. My fear is one day she will contact me once I am healing and moved on somewhat and my pain will start all over. I been reading articles on here how exes try to comeback at some point when their life gets tough or doesn't play out like they wanted. Who knows. Day at a time. Link to post Share on other sites
Macattack Posted March 1, 2015 Share Posted March 1, 2015 She somewhat gave me an apology, it was along the lines of Im sorry I never meant to hurt you. I never got with him physically until I filed for divorce...yada yada. I asked her if she regrets it, she didn't say yes or no. She said something stupid like well it was meant to happened because everything happens for a reason. I told her that was stupid and that's just justifying. All in all were now divorced, and even though I need to be moving on its hard. I ask myself daily why she did what she did, then had the nerve to come back and specify a stupid offer. I just wish I could turn off my mind and forget her. My fear is one day she will contact me once I am healing and moved on somewhat and my pain will start all over. I been reading articles on here how exes try to comeback at some point when their life gets tough or doesn't play out like they wanted. Who knows. Day at a time. Why are you even bother talking to her? Cut off all contact with her. Link to post Share on other sites
Author grabaka Posted March 1, 2015 Author Share Posted March 1, 2015 Why are you even bother talking to her? Cut off all contact with her. We aren't in contact anymore, it'll be 3 weeks this coming Thursday. I plan on keeping no contact. I get emails from her in regards to things we have to take care of per our divorce agreement, I don't reply. In the back of my mind I fully expect one day she will make contact...probably face to face. Ultimately even though she wronged me so badly I love her...Im just trying to get over her and move on. If she makes face to face contact I know it will put me back to square one with healing. This is hard, and when that day comes I hope it will be easy for me when I tell her she lost me, I don't want to be friends, or have contact. I mean she even has admitted if the roles was reversed and I did to her what she did to me she wouldn't have contact with me. I just hope Karma is catching up to her. Cheating is the coldest thing you can do to someone. It breaks them down every which way possible, especially mentally. Link to post Share on other sites
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