getting out of an affair

[No Limit]

These 'stories' are directly related to infidelity.

 

Alrightee then, here's new fodder for thought;

OP, throughout your affair you felt safe. Only now is something in your mind panicking. Why could that be? Could you have unconsciously picked something up? Many betrayed can do so much progress behind their WSes back that they only notice until their keyes to the house don't fit.

[troubled soul]

TS: I am sure that you care for her well being, but a marriage is suppose to be so much more. A wife is not your daughter, roommate, housekeeper or nanny. You know that is not love and your lack of honesty is disrespectful to her as your partner in life. I am not trying to suggest that you divorce your wife, but put in the effort to fix the relationship. The person you describe certainly sounds like she is worth the effort. Therefore I recommend the following:

 

1. Sit down and have a serious discussion with your wife and let her know the truth.

2. Open access to all media and devices.

3. Schedule counseling to allow each of you to air any differences in a secure environment and work towards repairing the damage.

 

 

I find it interesting that you've pointed out that my wife is not my daughter or roommate. On many levels, she feels very much like a daughter or roommate to me. She depends on me for everything. I do everything for my family financially. She works hard, too, don't get me wrong. But your perception is very close to the way I often feel about her.

[troubled soul]

If she's not a whore, then can you tell me what she exactly is? And can you also define for me what "whore" means?

 

Since we are bring blunt here, I have a question for you. If she is a whore, what does that make me? Am I really that different than her since this is my first affair and it is her fourth?

[Casa]

Exactly.... That's Not how you should feel!!!!

[troubled soul]

t.s if you had to choose between your wife and the ow which one would you pick and why would you pick that one I would really like to see what's on your mind

 

I would pick my wife. My wife is beautiful, appreciative, gracious, and most of all, humble. If I give her the slightest compliment she pays me back in spades. I used to think I'd pick the OW, but after this thread's replies, I'm sure I would not. You all have opened my eyes in that department. Especially the comments regarding her likelihood to be screwing around on me, and also her likelihood to repeat another affair after she dumps me.

[troubled soul]

Listen to Rainbow. You don't need therapy. She's been in an affair and gotten out. She's right and on a mission to help you.

 

What have you done today and yesterday to end it? I'm sure you spoke to your goddess today didn't you? Weren't feeling so guilty when you communicated.

 

We're 10 pages deep into this thread which started admirably but now you're feeling sorry for yourself. This ain't no pity party. You asked for advice, you got it. Stop procrastinating, end it.

 

By the way if your wife was on the cheating side of town, you'd be happy because it would give you the excuse for your bad behavior.

 

I'm begging you, take from us who've been there. I was a WS. Repeat WAS. I'm on here because it's the same old story.

 

Take it away Rainbow!

 

If you want real honesty, I'll give it to you. I've done nothing so far to begin to end this. Last night we texted and I hit her pretty hard about why she was on her fourth affair. Her answer was "to spice up her life and also YOLO". Meaning you only live once. That hit me squarely between the eyes. Then she proceeded to tell me I was using mean words by calling her a serial cheater. She doesn't like that title. At all. It really pisses her off.

[purplesorrow]

Since we are bring blunt here, I have a question for you. If she is a whore, what does that make me? Am I really that different than her since this is my first affair and it is her fourth?

 

what would you call yourself? What would your wife call you if she found out? I thought both my stbx and his ow both whored themselves out for cheap validation.

[troubled soul]

Any clinic/urgent care - pay cash.

 

That you even entertain the OW and allow her to consume your thoughts over your W is evidence of extremely poor choices for yourself - that is what I think therapy could help you with = your self destructive choices.

 

 

You know what's so crazy? As I've mentioned before, I'm an educated man. I know damn well I'm making an idiotic choice. Matter of fact, last night, she asked me why I was having this affair. I said "because I'm an idiot and I'm acting like a little boy, not a man". That ticked her off and she proceeded to tell me her reason....she likes the spice of life and you only live once. That's what's so hard about this. I know full well I'm a complete fool. A stupid man. I get that. But, even so, it's incredibly hard to go cold turkey on this. Like I said before, I am going to try to find a counselor that hopefully can bust me on this crap and get my head on straight. It's just so ridiculous that I'm doing this. I know it. I won't argue with you guys about that. I feel like, as has been described, a drug addict. I need help to stop.

[troubled soul]

The hypocrisy is outstanding. The thought of your wife cheating on you disgusts you. Yet, you're cheating with a married woman.

 

It's obvious you are chauvinist who does not understand true love and intimacy.

 

I feel sorry for your wife and kids, you're a fraud.

 

 

I think chauvanist is a bit strong. But I was raised in a "traditional" family where my father was the breadwinner and made all the decisions. So that' what I've become as well.

 

I should also mention that my father had an affair around 18 years ago. My brother and I busted him and outed him to my mom. I feel guilty about that because, now that I'm a cheater, I understand how strong the "drug" is that makes people do these things. My dad was on the same drug. I'm still not sure outing him was the right decision. They did reconcile, but things were never the same again.

[purplesorrow]

I think chauvanist is a bit strong. But I was raised in a "traditional" family where my father was the breadwinner and made all the decisions. So that' what I've become as well.

 

I should also mention that my father had an affair around 18 years ago. My brother and I busted him and outed him to my mom. I feel guilty about that because, now that I'm a cheater, I understand how strong the "drug" is that makes people do these things. My dad was on the same drug. I'm still not sure outing him was the right decision. They did reconcile, but things were never the same again.

 

If you would think so badly of your wife if she cheated, why is ow perfection? She is a wife who is cheating on her husband.

[troubled soul]

I see from your posts you are really trying to work through this and you are listening and reading and trying- here is my story because the similarities between your OW and our OW are striking- (much of this is hindsight so I am sorry if it is hard to follow)

 

Our OW was also a serial cheater- painted herself as "more like a guy" in that she could take or leave the affair and was in it for the excitement, etc.. (you'll see the truth at the end of the story)- she dressed to the nines, claimed to have an amazing job, claimed to be well loved in her community, claimed to be a loving, caring Mother- she was very exciting for my husband to be around-she would at her own expense fly out to meet him on his business trips-how could 3 days and 2 nights in a hotel room on an expense account not be exciting-she sexted him when they were apart-

 

THEN- one day she snapped I guess-saw a picture of our family at our ski house- sent me an anon text with the name my husband had her under in his cell phone-then sent him some pretty revealing texts-I checked his phone while he was skiing with my younger son and found the texts-boom- all of our lives fell apart-

 

I confronted my husband-gave him a free pass to leave and I would be as fair as possible financially and never disclose to our kids, family or friends what happened and he could go be with her-he freaked, no way, he wanted me-he couldn't believe what he had done, etc... I made him offer to see her in person to say goodbye (or hello if he wanted to change his mind) She declined-

 

That was nearly 2 years ago- since then she has intruded in our lives regularly- sending their texts, emails, etc... to me-even a pair of her used undies (don't ask)-today marks 71 days in a row she has called anon and hung up on my phone-she even OD'd and ended up having an organ transplant but when she got out of the hospital, the intrusions started back up- we have done everything legally possible to no avail-

 

My husband in the last two years since dday has- started and now kicked a serious addiction issue, cried, vomited and freaked at therapy coming face to face with what he has done-been in and out of a depressive state- we have done all we can to hide it from the kids, but they know, they just do that something is wrong and Dad is the one to blame-

 

My life has been upside down- I am doing better but am forever damaged and changed at the hands of the man that promised to take care of and love me-he has to live with that everyday-

 

On paper I am way out of my husbands league but none of that ever mattered to me- I love him and I felt lucky to be married to him-

 

So, my point- you are heading for a brick wall- think on it- start now minimizing the damage you have already caused to yourself and your family AND my bet is your OW is not even close to what you think she is-she is not worth whats coming at you-

 

Keep reading, keep thinking and please-get some counseling- I wish you all the luck in the world because I think you got in way over your head but inside you are worthy of redemption-

 

Take Care-

 

My AP has told me that she feels like she's "half guy". I asked her what she means and she said she hates how men can be sexually promiscuous and it's tolerated in society. But women are branded as sluts. Pretty telling, I know.

 

I know I'm getting trashed by alot of people in this thread. That's ok. I deserve it. But if I can offer a bit of defense. I am a very good man in all other aspects of my life besides this. I'm honest, I have integrity, I do what I say. But this affair has scarred my soul to the point that I no longer can say that I live all facets of my life with integrity. I hate that feeling.

[Rainbowlove]

If you want real honesty, I'll give it to you. I've done nothing so far to begin to end this. Last night we texted and I hit her pretty hard about why she was on her fourth affair. Her answer was "to spice up her life and also YOLO". Meaning you only live once. That hit me squarely between the eyes. Then she proceeded to tell me I was using mean words by calling her a serial cheater. She doesn't like that title. At all. It really pisses her off.

 

So basically her response was right now in her life, you are the flavor of the month. She's yolo-ing again and again and again and again. That's four agains, by the way.

 

You will have to go cold turkey to end it. There is no other way. You will also feel the withdrawals and your head will take a long time to unravel what you've done to yourself, your wife and kids.

 

Get into counseling.

[troubled soul]

I'm certain my exH thought I would NEVER divorce him. To most, we had the perfect life.

 

It all came crashing down when I found receipts for gifts he had bought for her - he planned to give to her on his "business trip". I then searched his trunk to find all the beautifully wrapped gifts stashed and waiting.

 

When he drove away that day to meet her I sadly waved goodbye to him knowing our life was completely over.

 

His lies and betrayal changed the man I THOUGHT I knew. He was a blatant liar and a cheater, greedy to the extreme of ruining a great life for many people. He always needed more. I didn't know this man at all. And on his drive back home a few days later I told him not to bother coming home - the locks had been changed, all money was moved to my name and I would divorce him. He was shocked I knew and shocked for years that I divorced him.

 

23 years changed in a moments notice. I had a firm boundary that I had stated perfectly clear and he crossed it. No love can fix that kind of betrayal. The lies were the worst part. Not being able to trust has taken years to get over.

 

He still says ten years later I was the perfect wife. But I'll never go back...I deserve so much more than that. He's a broken man that needs help. His level of pretending wasn't worth saving the M for.

 

 

Don't think she won't find out. Don't think she won't divorce you.

 

 

 

How did you meet your OW? How do you meet with her?

 

I met the AP through an organization that I volunteer for that she is involved in.

 

We normally meet at an extra house that's not currently inhabited. Sometimes we go on weekend outings, under the rouse of business trips.

 

And I do feel broken. That's a great description of my soul right now. Broken in half.

[troubled soul]

Cheaters are the most jealous people on the planet. For two years my now ex laid on her back for O/M yet she wouldn't allow me to hire a secretary without approving her first. If she was attractive the answer was always no. I wasn't allowed to take them for lunch. That's one of the signs of infidelity, being over the top jealous of your spouse. Just so you know even though you think your getting away with your affair, she may be on to you and just gathering evidence. You should search out Sofie's posts, may give you some insight regarding your own infidelity.

 

 

I can tell you that my spouse has no clue of what's going on.

 

I can also tell you that I'm not jealous of my spouse at all. Actually, I like it when she does things with other men around. It probably helps relieve my guilt, and I also know that she would not cheat on me. She worships the ground I walk on. I know I suck. The more I type the more I realize how much I suck.

[troubled soul]

Alrightee then, here's new fodder for thought;

OP, throughout your affair you felt safe. Only now is something in your mind panicking. Why could that be? Could you have unconsciously picked something up? Many betrayed can do so much progress behind their WSes back that they only notice until their keyes to the house don't fit.

 

 

I noticed on her FB page (and her other AP's pages) comments between them that made me cringe. Also, she told me she told at least one of the prior AP's that she loved them. That led me to begin to question how our feelings for each other differ. I'm head over heels for her. Now that I look into this on a deeper level, I feel like I'm the fourth screw of hers, and she's thinking about number five.

 

To be honest, I think if this was her first affair, I'd be much more likely to do something stupid/crazy such as run away with her. This being her number four, crystallizes the fact that she's only looking for men to screw on the side, and I probably, in all reality, mean nothing to her besides a good lay. And I must say, I've pulled all the stops to give her the best sex as well as the best times she could dream of. Nice meals, nice gifts, nice compliments, plus I lavish her in the bedroom.

 

I feel so damn stupid.

[troubled soul]

what would you call yourself? What would your wife call you if she found out? I thought both my stbx and his ow both whored themselves out for cheap validation.

 

 

What is stbx?

[Rainbowlove]

What is stbx?

 

Soon to be X husband

[troubled soul]

Soon to be X husband

 

 

In that case, I suppose I'm really no different than her.

[beach]

It's always the super nice spouse that gets cheated on - that sucks.

 

Have you considered getting therapy to help you with your poor choices that are self destructive?

[gettingstronger]

But if I can offer a bit of defense. I am a very good man in all other aspects of my life besides this. I'm honest, I have integrity, I do what I say. But this affair has scarred my soul to the point that I no longer can say that I live all facets of my life with integrity.

 

 

Thats been hard on my husband as well-I do see glimmers of hope for you though-you keep coming back and reading and responding-you do know you are doing wrong-you do know you are not an honest person, you have let your integrity slip and you do not do what you say-

 

One more guess- what was your AP like in high school- do you know? My guess is she was an "also ran..." as in never quite the tier she wanted to be-

[beach]

In that case, I suppose I'm really no different than her.

 

Of course you're not. Why would you think you are any different than the person you're cheating with... On both of your spouses?

 

Your actions define who you are.

 

 

You can continue being the cheater and the liar OR you can change this for yourself by changing your actions.

[No Limit]

you only live once

 

And this one life she has she wants to spend paying attention only to herself and her own selfish needs, without compassion, respect for others or self-awareness. She lives like that because she hasn't developed as a human being probably since her teens. Respect OP, most guys I know would probably run for the hills long ago.

 

But if I can offer a bit of defense. I am a very good man in all other aspects of my life besides this. I'm honest, I have integrity, I do what I say.

 

Your level of denial is amazing. Your integrity is shredded, you're not honest any more either and you don't do what you say.

But the aspect that you are from a family that had the male role of caretaker of the family is pretty interesting - although somewhat predictable.

Edited February 28, 2015 by No Limit

[Rainbowlove]

It's difficult to admit you are not an honest person.

 

You are remembering who you use to be when you make those statements.

 

You are not an honest man. Your entire life is a lie. You are living two lives. One with your unsuspecting wife and kids where you appear to be an honest family man. Then there's the guy who makes up lies to get away with the OW to have sex with her. You spend money on her that could be going to your kids future.

 

The honest guy you knew and loved is dead. What you are left with is the real you - the liar, the cheat, the man who sleeps with his wife and his mistress on the same day.

[Rainbowlove]

I think chauvanist is a bit strong. But I was raised in a "traditional" family where my father was the breadwinner and made all the decisions. So that' what I've become as well.

 

I should also mention that my father had an affair around 18 years ago. My brother and I busted him and outed him to my mom. I feel guilty about that because, now that I'm a cheater, I understand how strong the "drug" is that makes people do these things. My dad was on the same drug. I'm still not sure outing him was the right decision. They did reconcile, but things were never the same again.

 

Interesting how things come full circle, right?

 

Remember how you felt about your dad when you caught him and realized he cheated on your mom? Angry? Disappointed? Shocked? Sad?

 

How do you think your kids will feel when they have the same awareness of you and how you treated their mother?

 

Then, you are also humbled by your own affair and realizing you are not perfect and not very different from your father at all.

 

Cycles need to be broken.

Edited February 28, 2015 by Rainbowlove

[sandylee1]

I can tell you that my spouse has no clue what's going on.

 

I can also tell you that I'm not jealous of my spouse at all. Actually, I like, it when she does things with other men around. It probably helps relieve my guilt, and I also know that she would not cheat on me. She worships the ground I walk on. I know I suck. The more I type the more I realize how much I suck.

 

 

And the fact that she worships you will make it all the more difficult to understand why you had an A if she finds out.

 

Your wife is attractive, she's open to all types of sex, she compliments you, takes care of the kids and looks after everything around the house. Really, what else do you want from her. She can't be superwoman, but she's pretty damn close.

 

Your wife will think after everything I do It's not enough, so why should I bother reconciling.

 

You know in another forum, a woman had sex with her H every single day of their 9 year marriage and he still cheated on her. She was at a loss just like your wife will be if this comes out. The longer you're in the A, the greater you risk being busted.