Always screw it up lately.

[Pixel_Hugs]

I seem to always screw it up with women lately

 

I am in my 40's and can't seem to meet someone and not create a one sided

relationship. I just for once want someone as crazy about me as I am in them.

 

I don't like to play games or not be myself. I enjoy intimacy, romance, and passion. I love being in the company of a women.

 

I used to be very quite and reserved. I couldn't meet women. Women I did meet used to say I don't talk to much about myself and accuse me of being too mysterious. The last 10 yrs or so I've become pretty out going and more whimsicle and silly.. I guess more confident. I talk a lot more and I tend to share too much too soon which along with my enjoyment of intimacy makes me become really comfortable with a women. Maybe too soon but it also lets a women feel comfortable around me one on one.

 

I also become very, very anxious when I meet someone, I'm nervous. I get a huge sense of anxiety even early on, and even when it's not serious. I wear my heart on my sleeve and my emotions show through even when I'm not talking.

 

I don't know what it is. People keep pointing out that I need to chill out, relax, not get all worked up, don't let things that shouldn't be a concern so early bother you so much. Don't give too much too soon. etc.....Pretend to be more indifferent early on but I can't pretend.

 

The odd thing is that I am a relatively chill guy. I'm healthy, good looking, appear much younger then I am. Women just seem to like me a lot then do a quick turn around.

It's never really always entirely my fault. I think in the end I have good instincts which makes me pull back a bit but I see real pattern that I am trying to break.

 

I tried so hard with this last girl but I failed.

Edited February 26, 2015 by Pixel_Hugs

[d0nnivain]

I get the sense that you wear your heart on your sleeve a little bit & you are a trusting soul. Those are lovely qualities but they end up scaring some women & getting you hurt.

 

 

We need to find you a slower gear.

 

 

I had trouble finding that balance & I also know how high my libido can be so I put speed bumps in my own way so that the physical wasn't driving my relationships forward & creating a false sense of intimacy too early

 

 

1. In the first month or so I limit dates to 2 per week. I'll make an except if some unusual event is happening: a concert or something

 

 

2. I reserve one weekend night Friday or Saturday for my friends.

 

 

3. If I legitimately miss a call & the message doesn't have a time limit, I purposely wait a bit to call back.

 

 

4. I limit phone calls & watch the clock, trying to get off the phone in about 1/2 hour.

 

 

5. I set a minimum number of dates before I let myself talk to him about intimacy & exclusivity

[Pixel_Hugs]

I get the sense that you wear your heart on your sleeve a little bit & you are a trusting soul. Those are lovely qualities but they end up scaring some women & getting you hurt.

 

 

We need to find you a slower gear.

 

 

I had trouble finding that balance & I also know how high my libido can be so I put speed bumps in my own way so that the physical wasn't driving my relationships forward & creating a false sense of intimacy too early

 

 

1. In the first month or so I limit dates to 2 per week. I'll make an except if some unusual event is happening: a concert or something

 

 

2. I reserve one weekend night Friday or Saturday for my friends.

 

 

3. If I legitimately miss a call & the message doesn't have a time limit, I purposely wait a bit to call back.

 

 

4. I limit phone calls & watch the clock, trying to get off the phone in about 1/2 hour.

 

 

5. I set a minimum number of dates before I let myself talk to him about intimacy & exclusivity

 

 

I rarely date a women more then once a week in the beginning. Depends on our lifestyles. Twice tops but I really don't want to push it. I go in saying don't rush, chill out, be cool.

 

I have a thing with communication of any type. I pick up the phone, I return calls, respond to text messages. All very timely. I treat text messages like phone calls. I respond promptly, I say hello, I say good bye. I think that's the way it should be. People don't do that.

 

I never talk intimacy or exclusivity. I let it just happen and if the conversation comes up then I talk. If I like someone they get my attention. I don't date around unless I have no connection and I'm just casually dating. I think when two people like each other exclusivity just happens. Especially at this age....

 

I just like to know when a women is into me and I like to let her know. I also enjoy the energy of a women who is into me. It charges me and I give it in return.

[d0nnivain]

To me all those things seem like you are doing everything right.

 

 

So lets turn this around. What do the women you date have in common? Is your "picker" off? Can you do something to break that cycle?

[Pixel_Hugs]

To me all those things seem like you are doing everything right.

 

 

So lets turn this around. What do the women you date have in common? Is your "picker" off? Can you do something to break that cycle?

 

 

I think in general I am a very instinctive person so I know when someone isn't into me. I think it ends up disappointing me.

 

They have nothing in common really. I don't doubt that maybe I am making the wrong choices.

 

The past girl I remember being a little hesitant at first. Not because of her but because of me. I have a lot going on with work and personal stuff so I probably setting myself up for failure from the beginning. I found myself really enjoying her company and I wanted to take it slow and be really, super chill about it. I didn't rush anything, IMO. Although I think she was looking for something to go wrong I think I screwed it up by not keeping my mouth shut.

 

I talk too much and speak my opinions too much...I think. I certainly haven't been the person I claim to be....Maybe I am pursuing too much.

Edited February 26, 2015 by Pixel_Hugs

[CrystalShine2011]

What does calm you down? Do you ever feel like you can be yourself around the women after a bit?

[Pixel_Hugs]

What does calm you down? Do you ever feel like you can be yourself around the women after a bit?

 

I always feel I can be myself. I think that's what has gotten me into these situations. I make myself too comfortable quickly. I never used to be that way. I am trying to find an in between but I don't like playing games. Don't say too much, act busy, She calls...oh wait two hours, She sends a three word text....you send a one word text. Call once a week, act like it doesn't matter.... It's all to ****ed to me. I want to say what I feel and do what I want when I want and not have it be a big deal. I just want to be in the moment, the right now. I want to live and I want to feel.

 

I just feel an overwhelming sense of anxiety lately. I'm not good with handling situations. I can't play things cool. I make a big deal in my head about stupid things and it ends up coming out some how no matter how hard I try. I can't be cool and indifferent. I want things to be fun and I don't want to care or put labels on anything for a while yet I get disappointed when I feel like someone isn't into me right away or isn't treating me or certain situations as I treat them. I end up ****ing it up.

 

I'm disappointed in myself. Screw it...I'm just going to sleep with alliens for now on....

Edited February 27, 2015 by Pixel_Hugs

[girl-in-boots]

OP. I feel like I could have written this post myself. Except that I'm a woman.

 

Today I'm getting to the 'sleep with aliens' stage. I have no idea what it is with people and i honestly think all the mind games are BS.

 

If you actually find a solution can you make sure you drop me a line because I would dearly love to know

[Pixel_Hugs]

OP. I feel like I could have written this post myself. Except that I'm a woman.

 

Today I'm getting to the 'sleep with aliens' stage. I have no idea what it is with people and i honestly think all the mind games are BS.

 

If you actually find a solution can you make sure you drop me a line because I would dearly love to know

 

I think it makes it worse for me that I am little sensitive and sometimes lack self esteem although I am confident. I know that's a contradiction. I am confident in most areas of my life and who I am but I am not content in others and it sometimes effects my overall confidence. huh? ; ) I am not codependent either. I don't need someone in my life. I am used to being single. I'm active and have my own life. I admit I like the attention a women gives when she likes me but I don't consider myself needy.

That said I also like to get in return what I give.

 

I've been telling myself that the only solution is to stay being myself and that one day I will meet someone who likes who I am and appreciates me.

 

Lately, I've been really questioning that. I am in my mid forties and would love not to be alone all the time. I might just become the turtle who pulls his head in his shell from now on........while sleeping with aliens of course. A turtle sleeping with aliens.

 

BTW: You can see my other post in the Second Chances section...... Sent girl an Apology Video..... How stupid and desperate I apparently made myself look.

Edited February 27, 2015 by Pixel_Hugs

[girl-in-boots]

OP. I get it. I'm pretty much the same. On the surface confident and outgoing underneath that I'm almost hyper sensitive. Creative types hey

 

The video thing - I didn't read the whole thread, but IMHO put it down to whatever, forget about it and move on (I know it's not as straight forward as that, but you know what I mean).

 

But yes like you, mid 40's and pretty happy with my life and don't really want to be joined at the hip but also getting tired of dinner for one. ha.

 

They say there is someone out there for everyone and although for the next month or two I'm going into 'not dating' mode I know that at some point "I'll give it one last try"

 

You could do worse than be a turtle sleeping with aliens. You could be with someone who just isn't right. Was it Robin Williams who said something about the saddest thing is being with people who make you feel alone?

[rester]

I think it makes it worse for me that I am little sensitive and sometimes lack self esteem although I am confident. I know that's a contradiction. I am confident in most areas of my life and who I am but I am not content in others and it sometimes effects my overall confidence. huh? ; ) I am not codependent either. I don't need someone in my life. I am used to being single. I'm active and have my own life. I admit I like the attention a women gives when she likes me but I don't consider myself needy.

That said I also like to get in return what I give.

 

I've been telling myself that the only solution is to stay being myself and that one day I will meet someone who likes who I am and appreciates me.

 

Lately, I've been really questioning that. I am in my mid forties and would love not to be alone all the time. I might just become the turtle who pulls his head in his shell from now on........while sleeping with aliens of course. A turtle sleeping with aliens.

 

BTW: You can see my other post in the Second Chances section...... Sent girl an Apology Video..... How stupid and desperate I apparently made myself look.

 

I can relate very well to your first paragraph, OP. About the rest of it...the thing about "stay being myself", is that is a good way to get stuck in the same negative patterns. I think if something isn't working, some introspection is needed and it would be better to improve that aspect of your life. This doesn't mean to change who you are or what you believe in...it just means that sometimes a little tuning up of yourself is worthwhile.

 

A few years back I started to really take a look at myself and I realized that there were a lot of things I could improve about myself. One of the major ones was my aim to please others. I never realized the harm I was doing to myself. I honestly thought I was a great guy because of it.

 

I snapped out of it when a woman I had been dating for about 5 months had an issue with her front steps. I offered to help her fix her front steps, and she went ballistic. I didn't do anything "wrong" by offering to help, but what I hadn't realized is that this women didn't care about me nearly as much as I cared about her, if at all. She saw it as needy and desperate. It was very eye-opening that she had such a harsh (to me, anyway) reaction to something as simple as me offering to help her with something, but looking back I can understand her point. She would never have done the same for me, so she saw it as absurd that I'd offer to do the same for her. She made me feel stupid and desperate because I offered to fix her front steps, of all things. To me, it was nothing, but to her it was huge. She reacted like a complete psycho but it helped me open my eyes to some things I needed to improve about myself. Maybe you can relate to this, maybe you can't, but after reading your other thread about the video you made, I hope this little anecdote can help you see another perspective.

 

I don't think you should beat yourself up as much as you have been because you haven't done anything really bad, but if there are things that you think you can improve about yourself, then go for it. Don't get stuck doing the same harmful things just because you don't want to change who you are.

[Pixel_Hugs]

I can relate very well to your first paragraph, OP. About the rest of it...the thing about "stay being myself", is that is a good way to get stuck in the same negative patterns. I think if something isn't working, some introspection is needed and it would be better to improve that aspect of your life. This doesn't mean to change who you are or what you believe in...it just means that sometimes a little tuning up of yourself is worthwhile.

.

 

That is why I am posting this. I am trying and with this girl I really tried. Particularly that she is much younger. I tried not to call to much. I tried easing back, making definite dates a week in advance then waiting a few days to contact her, I didn't text her much at all. In fact, the first two weeks we didn't communicate much at all. A friend of hers actually told me to step up my game. I just wanted to give her space, not crowd her and I wanted to take it slow, keep busy, etc... but at the same time I wanted to be in the moment. I don't know, I still managed to screw it up because of something I said.

 

I want another chance at this girl. I really enjoyed her company. I feel like we should have had more time and I'm upset that I closed that door.

[girl-in-boots]

That is why I am posting this. I am trying and with this girl I really tried. Particularly that she is much younger. I tried not to call to much. I tried easing back, making definite dates a week in advance then waiting a few days to contact her, I didn't text her much at all. In fact, the first two weeks we didn't communicate much at all. A friend of hers actually told me to step up my game. I just wanted to give her space, not crowd her and I wanted to take it slow, keep busy, etc... but at the same time I wanted to be in the moment. I don't know, I still managed to screw it up because of something I said.

 

I want another chance at this girl. I really enjoyed her company. I feel like we should have had more time and I'm upset that I closed that door.

 

After reading part of the last thread that you made I want to make it clear that I'm not trying to pick or in anyway put you down but reading the above it sounds like you were changing who you were to be with this woman.

 

Surely the right woman wouldn't expect you to change? Especially not to the extent where every action by you takes careful consideration about not appearing to be who you really are.

 

Unless you are both night owls and it was usual for you to conduct your conversations at 2am then one of two things comes to mind the woman isn't interested in you, she certainly has no respect for you or she actually wanted the teenage drama of you ringing her up all teary and begging, but as she didn't respond to your video then I personally would say it's the former.

 

What I really don't understand thought is this, why would you chase someone who has no respect for you and isn't interested? You would probably have to change your whole personality/character for this to work out. Would it really be worth it or are you hoping to get her have her fall in love with the 'false' you to such an extent that when you revert back to who you are she decides to stay?

[Pixel_Hugs]

Changing who I am.... ?

 

I didnt change who I was at all. Not that I usually do but I just didn't want to smother the girl. I wanted to remain focused on the things I needed to focus on and give her space but at the same time I liked her and wanted to give her a little attention. Plus she worked nights and weekends so communication was hard during those times.

 

I don't know what you mean by disrespecting me? She works in the restaurant industry. Unless she was lying about still being at work. Disrespecting me by making me wait? Maybe she got caught up with closing and realized later she wasn't going to make it. Around midnight she said she was running late but I assumed she meant she'll be leaving as soon as she raps up. Two hours later I'm told she wasn't coming. I was disappointed I wasn't going to see her and didn't like that she kept me waiting that long. lt doesn't matter.....I wasn't mad at her. I told her only after she just claimed (before, we spoke via text because I wrote ok.) I was mad that I was disappointed I wasn't going to see her and that I didn't like that she kept me waiting. Could I have omitted that part, yes. I admit that was my mistake but it was said in a very casual way. I was half asleep. She said I was mad at her. I said no.

 

Listen, I feel my time is important and it should be known don't keep me hanging like that. I didn't carry on about it. It wasn't a big deal. I just don't want to be taken advantage of. I was half asleep when she called anyway. She got all bent over that the days after and thought I lied about being mad AT her.

 

Fact is, I do understand that something else could have been going on or there was something she wasn't telling me. Maybe she changed her mind and went out after work. Who knows. First, we only were seeing each other a few weeks until that point. Second, I always give people the benefit of the doubt.

 

We were getting along great! I thought really great. I enjoyed her company a lot. She even told me it's been a long time since she found a guy she liked spending time with. She told me she told her mother about me. Other then one time things went downhill for about 10days after that. I can't be with someone who pulls back the way she did and then keeps me guessing. That is when I question things. That is when I change who I've become....

 

I just think for my part I screwed it up by doing that and then completely closing the door instead of just pulling back the reins.

Edited February 28, 2015 by Pixel_Hugs

[Pixel_Hugs]

btw: girl-in-boots

 

Your the only one who spoke out against her not responding to the video. Every one else says that was way over the top because it was too soon to be that different. They say it was too grand of a gesture. The feeling I get is that no one blames her for not responding and that it probably drove her further away.

 

note: This is a very passionate women who wants romance...

[spiderowl]

It sounds like you are someone who feel comfortable and intimate in a relationship early on but you are also inadvertently expecting them to feel just as comfortable and intimate. They are still getting to know you and perhaps don't want to feel that they have been plunged into a formal exclusive relationship so quickly. If they feel uncertain at any point, presumably you become distressed and they start to back off. Some just have a slower pace than others. Rather than assuming they are not into you and something has gone horribly wrong, why not work on the basis that their pace may be slower than yours. Give them the space and freedom to work through the steps and hopefully eventually you will both match.

 

Having thought a little more, I get the impression you fling everything into the pot from the start and expect the same from them. This is unrealistic. A woman will sense your expectations and back off. If you then panic and put pressure on her, then she will run. Is this what happens?

[Pixel_Hugs]

It sounds like you are someone who feel comfortable and intimate in a relationship early on but you are also inadvertently expecting them to feel just as comfortable and intimate. They are still getting to know you and perhaps don't want to feel that they have been plunged into a formal exclusive relationship so quickly. If they feel uncertain at any point, presumably you become distressed and they start to back off. Some just have a slower pace than others. Rather than assuming they are not into you and something has gone horribly wrong, why not work on the basis that their pace may be slower than yours. Give them the space and freedom to work through the steps and hopefully eventually you will both match.

 

Having thought a little more, I get the impression you fling everything into the pot from the start and expect the same from them. This is unrealistic. A woman will sense your expectations and back off. If you then panic and put pressure on her, then she will run. Is this what happens?

 

I want to say your almost spot on with some things.

 

I DO feel comfortable and intimate when I am with someone but it's regardless of the type of relationship. I try to relax and just be in the moment. I am not afraid to be close to someone if I like them and it doesn't have to mean anything other then enjoying someone. For me, intimacy and closeness doesn't have to equate to an exclusive relationship. I've always been like this and women tend to feel comfortable with me in return.

 

On the other hand, like I said, I haven't always been open emotionally. I used to be pretty closed in that respect and quite. I've changed. I've always been sensitive but I really wear my heart on my sleeve. I express my feelings (not about relationships or what I want), my views, my morals.... I think I reveal too much too soon.

 

Those two in combination probably suggests that I throw everything in the pot. I don't however in no way talk about, mention or even hint at relationships or exclusivity and in no way want to rush into anything. If things happen and nature takes it's course I don't reject it or maybe I do in some deep way.

 

Because of my last experience. I really wanted to take my time with this girl and give her space. I tried and I did. I'm telling ya, it wasn't rushed. It was chill.

See each other one a week, hardly talked, a text hear and there. In the end maybe she felt pressure but it could be in large part to her own past experiences

and less to do with me. No?

 

You make a really valid case her when you said ......

 

"Some just have a slower pace than others. Rather than assuming they are not into you and something has gone horribly wrong, why not work on the basis that their pace may be slower than yours. Give them the space and freedom to work through the steps and hopefully eventually you will both match."

 

I don't think there is any redemption with this girl. I don't like how she acted, reacted and over-reacted but I know I am to blame for closing the door. I wish there were a second chance here but I've done my thing. As someone said, I made my statement.

 

Trying to be better. I wish I was the same as I was a few years back, more quiet, reserved, closed only with my current to level of charm... ; )

Edited March 1, 2015 by Pixel_Hugs

[SearchingForMyself]

I want to say your almost spot on with some things.

 

I DO feel comfortable and intimate when I am with someone but it's regardless of the type of relationship. I try to relax and just be in the moment. I am not afraid to be close to someone if I like them and it doesn't have to mean anything other then enjoying someone. For me, intimacy and closeness doesn't have to equate to an exclusive relationship. I've always been like this and women tend to feel comfortable with me in return.

 

On the other hand, like I said, I haven't always been open emotionally. I used to be pretty closed in that respect and quite. I've changed. I've always been sensitive but I really wear my heart on my sleeve. I express my feelings (not about relationships or what I want), my views, my morals.... I think I reveal too much too soon.

 

Those two in combination probably suggests that I throw everything in the pot. I don't however in no way talk about, mention or even hint at relationships or exclusivity and in no way want to rush into anything. If things happen and nature takes it's course I don't reject it or maybe I do in some deep way.

 

Because of my last experience. I really wanted to take my time with this girl and give her space. I tried and I did. I'm telling ya, it wasn't rushed. It was chill.

See each other one a week, hardly talked, a text hear and there. In the end maybe she felt pressure but it could be in large part to her own past experiences

and less to do with me. No?

 

You make a really valid case her when you said ......

 

"Some just have a slower pace than others. Rather than assuming they are not into you and something has gone horribly wrong, why not work on the basis that their pace may be slower than yours. Give them the space and freedom to work through the steps and hopefully eventually you will both match."

 

I don't think there is any redemption with this girl. I don't like how she acted, reacted and over-reacted but I know I am to blame for closing the door. I wish there were a second chance here but I've done my thing. As someone said, I made my statement.

 

Trying to be better. I wish I was the same as I was a few years back, more quiet, reserved, closed only with my current to level of charm... ; )

 

im naturally more open than most women. With that, the idea to finding a girl for you is to actually have the feeling that you dont need to change.

 

the simple fact that you like to talk a lot and be more open is a blessing and a curse.

 

some women like it, vast majority dont.

 

coming from a guy, you dont have to change who you are, but rather, how you express yourself

 

cause those that mind dont matter, and those that matter dont mind

[Pixel_Hugs]

I can get comfortable with a women even if it isn't serious.

That's the thing. Maybe it's too much in the moment.

 

I think about this thing with this girl. I thought it really was going well.

When it comes down to it I think we both bugged out. Right or wrong she had

her reasons and I had mine. I think it bothers me that it could have gone better and

I really that I really enjoyed her company.