Ally-65 Posted February 26, 2015 Share Posted February 26, 2015 I am hurting alot and feeling so foolish at the same time.... I have been dating a guy for 2 years. He was newly seperated at the time we started and the divorce went through a year ago. It was his wifes decision to divorce, he did not want one but went along with it. He has loved this woman for 34 years, they were only married for 10 years and before that they had both been with other people, but she was his first love at school. (she ended it that time too). He was honest from the start that he could not commit to me but after two years, I thought maybe things had changed. Obviously not, he has now ended our relationship out of kindness to both him and me. He can not give me the best of him with his ex-wife still inside his mind and soul. I feel totally numb and devastated that he could be so affectionate to me and yet feel nothing for me. He was crying when he ended it, as was I. In a way, shouting and screaming at each other is so much easier. He says he must do now what he should have done before... get over his marriage. I need to know that I wasn't just the other woman in a 'what was over' marriage. Link to post Share on other sites
Chasing_mya Posted February 26, 2015 Share Posted February 26, 2015 I don't think you were the OW. His marriage was over and he was in the process of divorce and it's final. You just came in a time of his life where he was hurting and not over his first love/xwife. His mistake was getting involved with you and not allowing himself time to heal. You may have been his rebound, someone to occupy his time during the ordeal. It would of never worked out with him sweety and trust me he did you a favor. Keep your head up and push forward...this will pass. Wishing you the best! 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Ally-65 Posted February 26, 2015 Author Share Posted February 26, 2015 Thank you. I know you are right. Still hurts knowing that. Link to post Share on other sites
anika99 Posted February 26, 2015 Share Posted February 26, 2015 I would not say you were an OW but I have always said steer clear of guys who are newly separated or divorced for this very reason. People need at least a couple of years to grieve and process the end of their marriage before they can be healthy in a new relationship, but they don't say that because they feel lost and alone and a new person offers comfort and respite from their emotional pain. I'm sorry you got pulled into this situation but you will be okay. Just give yourself some time to get over it. Link to post Share on other sites
mammasita Posted February 26, 2015 Share Posted February 26, 2015 He told you from the start, day one, he couldn't commit to you. You chose to stay for two years. We can NEVER change a man. I'm sorry you're hurting, but you knew exactly what you were getting into. Link to post Share on other sites
elaine567 Posted February 26, 2015 Share Posted February 26, 2015 Anyone who has suffered the break up of a relationship is in a bad place. Some reach out to others pretty quick because they do not want to be alone, because they need support, because they need intimacy, because they are at last free. But most are troubled souls and many have not got over the ex or the worst aspects of that relationship. They often fool a new partner into a false sense of commitment. The new partner sees this need for closeness, the friendliness and the easy way it all gets serious pretty fast as an indication they have found their soulmate, they have found real love. This new relationship to someone who is hurting is fantastic, they have found peace, they have found someone who really cares about them, they quickly get comfortable in serious relationship mode, they take up where they left off. But in reality the troubled soul has just found a substitute partner, and as time goes on they realise that this person is not their ex, that this person is not who they really want for a partner, that they do not love this person and that the relationship is no longer what they want. The fog lifts and they have to end it. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Gigigirl Posted February 26, 2015 Share Posted February 26, 2015 No IMO I do not believe you were the OW. But sadly I do believe you were a rebound. I don't think he intentionally used you, he was hurting and you made him feel better. I bet he didn't even see it coming. There are always red flags...the red flags with him were that he was newly separated and he did NOT want the separation or divorce. He was never over her, it's not your fault. I'm sorry you are hurting...I hope you feel better soon. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Ally-65 Posted February 26, 2015 Author Share Posted February 26, 2015 Thank you for your replies... all of you. I know all of what you say is true... I was the rebound, no doubt. But I am comforted by the fact that he had some feelings for me, albeit not enough. Yes, it hurts, but I will be ok in time. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
road Posted February 26, 2015 Share Posted February 26, 2015 You were the other woman. He was not divorced. You also was the rebound woman. You eased his pain from his marriage ending. Why is it said over and over that people need a year to mourn the end of a long term marriage or relationship. Your dated a man that was not ready to have another relationship. Best you can do is learn from this and move on. Link to post Share on other sites
Lady2163 Posted February 26, 2015 Share Posted February 26, 2015 You were not the OW in the least, but Im wondering if he made you feel like one. One of the toughest lessons I've learned is to *listen* to men. When they say, "My exwife was the love of my life. I will never love like that again" I walk away. No sense competing with a memory - and one that might be faulty. When a man says, "my kids come first, my kids are my main priority". I also walk away. They aren't ready for a relationship yet. There will on be heartbreak and letdown for me. When a man says, "I'm single because I'm an *******". I believe him - and I don't just walk away, I sprint. You're valuable enough to not be someones rebound or second choice, Good luck. Find someone who will treasure you! 2 Link to post Share on other sites
snl Posted February 27, 2015 Share Posted February 27, 2015 I am sorry to read about your pain and wishing you strength first of all. While he was divorced (first condition) he seems to have not processed the aftermath (second condition) - hence he isn't available emotionally. It is normal and there is no stop watch how long this will take . For your own happiness I would recommend to go NC and move on. If he can't give you what you need (undivided love and attention ) stay away. You just deserve better. It's your journey but this would be my advise. You deserve happiness and not pain. Wishing you all best. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Ally-65 Posted February 27, 2015 Author Share Posted February 27, 2015 Thank you, ALL of you. It helps alot to get the advice. I know that I must move on. Link to post Share on other sites
snl Posted February 27, 2015 Share Posted February 27, 2015 Be strong. Time will do its magic. I didn't want to believe that myself. But also you need to stick to NC.no Facebook lookup. No Passing by common places to bump into "accidently".nothing. you will feel better one day. Part of you will remember for some time but you will be stronger to carry on by then. Wishing you all best with your journey. Best regards, from an Ex OM (who finally left all pain and suffering behind him). Link to post Share on other sites
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