LDR relationship going downhill...

[spitfire3416]

So I've been with my girlfriend for a little over 2 years now. About a year ago she got accepted for a job 600 miles away upon graduating with her Phd in Psychology. It was a tough decision for the both of us but I felt like a lot of the pressure was being put on me. She applied to 100 positions and got accepted for just this one. She was so excited and kept saying it was the perfect position for her, but kept asking me what are we going to do? She did express some interest, if you can call interest, in not taking it just to be with me. I knew the job was what she really wanted though and didn't want her to resent me later for not taking it. Plus it was only a two year position. So after a couple days of thinking about it I told her she would be crazy to not take the job. I was willing to wait it out for 2 years to stay with her. I told her I would move down with her and fly back home for one week every month to keep face with my business. Yes, that's the other difficulty of this. I just started a business 3 years ago.

 

So I decided to put all the weight on my shoulders and mold my life to hers, because I felt she was worth it. I loved her, and still do. It's now been almost 7 months into this LDR. I've found it's been a lot harder of a task than I thought it would be to pull off. Up until January we've seen each other every 3 weeks for 2-3 days at a time. I own a landscaping business though and theres really no work here in Jan-Feb, so I went down and lived with her for 2 months. Last week, upon returning back home to prepare for the season, things went sour. She started asking me questions about when I was going to be able to come back and what my plan was for this year. I told her I didn't really know. It's hard to give her concrete answers because being in business is so unpredictable , it's just not like a 9-5 job. I did however tell her I was going to try really hard to come down every other week and was feeling confident I could do that. But still no concrete plan. Every time her reaction is the same...

 

"It's been a year and you still have no plans! What are you doing? This isn't what I signed up for! You said you would be down here with me!"

 

This almost always sparks a fight. This time though I shut down. I've been incredibly stressed out the past year trying to figure this out and I have so many mixed feelings of just being anxious, depressed, angry, sad and confused. I just blew up on her. I told her how it's not fair that all the pressure is being put on me and I'm getting all this blame because I couldn't live up to the original plan. I just loved her and wanted to be with her. Maybe I didn't have it all figured out but I knew I didn't want to break up with her at the time and I also was afraid of her resenting me if she didn't take the job. So it's like either way I'm the bad guy. If I told her to take the job and we split - I'm giving up on the relationship. If I told her I didn't want her to move and stay here with no job after 7 years of schooling - I risked her eventually resenting me for it. Now it's all just getting turned back around on me anyway. No matter what I do, I'm the @$$hole who's putting strain on the relationship.

[justwhoiam]

Hi spitfire,

 

First of all, welcome to the forum.

 

I think you need to relax. I also think that you did what you claimed you'd do and even more. Because - tell me if I misunderstood - you just spent 2 months with her! The initial plan was seeing her once a month for a few days.

 

Also, I don't know her, but I'd say don't get mad about what she says. You left after 2 months of being there with her. Right after you left, she started missing you bad. She was kind of losing it. She got needy. It's a natural reaction. Who wouldn't feel the difference??

 

Now, you made it clear that you are taking all the burden on your shoulders. Just out of love for her. And I bet she thought of the words you said a lot. The message got delivered.

 

You have 1.5 years to go. In my view: nothing. Really. 1.5 years is nothing if you look at the bigger picture.

 

But will she move back to where you live afterwards? Is there a chance you can both have a one-week vacation somewhere? That might help taking some stress out.

 

She will miss you. Ok. But well, it was part of the deal. You both need to be strong to overcome the temporary separation. And it's not the end of the world.

 

Read some stories in this forum. You'll be able to put things in perspective, with couples not meeting for 2 or 3 years at a time for exceptional reasons. And then share those stories with her.