Boyfriend's jealousy...is he right to act this way?

[KuKuKachoo]

First of all, we've been together for 4 months. Before we got together, I had a thing with one of my friends. We slept together a few times but stopped. We will text sometimes and we hang out very rarely now, because my boyfriend hates him.

 

We don't talk dirty, when we've hung out I've never let anything questionable happen nore will I (not that my friend has ever TRIED) and I've made sure to set boundaries for what we talk about so my bf feels comfortable with our friendship. For example, my friend used to send me pics of him posing in the mirror shirtless to show the progress he's making at the gym. He'd send them to me and ask if I could notice a difference. I told him it's not okay to do that anymore.

 

I haven't seen my friend in a couple months and he just asked me to come over on Friday after I get off work at 7 and play my new video game. If only be there for about 3ish hours anyway because I have work at 6 am the next day.

 

I told my bf the situation and he immediately got mad, saying I say I have morals and I wouldn't cheat on him, but I've slept around, so why not just made the 3 times I've been with my friend 4. (I've only been with three people. 1 was an ex of 2 years, the other was my friend and the last is my current bf)

 

He said he now has plans for Friday anyway, saying he was going to immediately call or text the only girl friend he has that talks to him and see if she /still/ wanted to go see a movie. Then he started saying the same exact things I said to him like, "oh, is this going to cause problems? She's just my friend! Why do you have a problem with it?"

 

It's the simple fact that he seems like he's doing it just to try to hurt me, otherwise I trust him and don't mind if he goes out with his friend.

 

Is his behavior warranted? Am I in the wrong for still hanging out with my friend? Even if we don't flirt, sext or do literally ANYTHING that could ever be considered infidelity...should I not be hanging out with him anymore because of what we've done in the past?

Edited February 26, 2015 by KuKuKachoo

[LoveRefreshed]

Your boyfriend has the right to express his concerns. You have the right to hang out with him. Don't be surprised when this continues to cause problems in your relationship or he leaves you. Four months isn't that long either, so maybe it is just better if you rather have the friendship with your old **** buddy to just break it off.

 

What is more important to you? A healthy relationship with him? or remaining friends with your ex FWB?

 

Maybe also consider how you may feel the other way around. There was a girl who had ****ed a few times and he wanted to go hang out 1 on 1 with her? Did you invite him to play with you guys?

 

I know that the stomach ache I got while I waited for you to come home would be enough for me that I wouldn't ever want that again. I would walk.

[KuKuKachoo]

Yeah, I told him he's always invited to come hang out. I hat nothing to hide. I asked if he wanted to come play with us, especially so be it's a video game series he likes, and he said no.

[LoveRefreshed]

Why does he detest this guy so much? Maybe it is because you and him have boned. Also, maybe he gets the sense your guy friend would still do so? Which is almost guaranteed. Despite commitment to a third party, there are rarely women that I have boned that I wouldn't bone again. Nature of it all.

 

Okay, so you invited him, but really answer the other question. How would you feel if the situation is reversed?

 

Which relationship is more important to you?

[KuKuKachoo]

I love him, I really do. It's just that this whole jealousy thing doesn't stop with this friend. He's he only one who's ever been a FWB, but all my friend are platonic guy friends. I'm kind of a tomboy I guess.

 

This jealousy I can understand however. But it's like, his friend and I are very similar in personality and get along really well. Not in a relationship-y sort of way either and I have no feelings for him.

 

Would it be better to not see my friend anymore? Would still talking to him occasionally be acceptable?

[KuKuKachoo]

Exactly! He said he trusts me, but doesn't trust him or what he'd do.

 

Why does it just seem like he doesn't trust ME though? He's got to know I wouldn't allow that. Even if he was a FWB I've never tolerated cheating and have never cheated...

[Zahara]

You slept with this guy that you're hanging out with. Regardless of the boundaries you have in your head, I don't think it's right for you to be going to his home and playing video games, etc. I can understand how your boyfriend feels because while you know you are not "crossing boundaries", he's of a different mindset.

 

How would you feel about him going out to the movies or going over to the home of a woman he's had sex with to play videogames? You would honestly feel fine? You wouldn't wonder if something else is going on? You wouldn't feel that lines are being crossed?

 

I'd rather prioritize my relationship rather than my time with a guy I've slept with for a few times.

 

Invite your boyfriend over to play videogames with your friend. The next time you go out for a drink with this guy, have your boyfriend be around you both. Maybe if he sees your interaction he'd be more comfortable with your so called friendship.

 

Personally, it doesn't fly with me.

[central]

There are two strong camps of opinion. One believes that you can never be friends with an ex, especially if you've had sex, and one that believes you can have opposite sex friends if you and they understand boundaries.

 

Some in the latter camp would still think it inappropriate to be alone with an ex, whereas out in public is fine.

 

So, your bf's reaction is pretty common. Of course you don't have to accept his opinion, and if you have strongly diverging views you may end up breaking up over this.

[LoveRefreshed]

Maybe you should sit down and have a conversation with your boyfriend. Ask him why he is so uncomfortable and why he hates him so much. Try to tell him the friendship is important to you and you would love it if he could just give it an honest shot to join you guys.

 

I have been in your shoes, and I made a choice. I said "I have known my friend longer than I know you, she is important to me"... we didn't even ****, just fooled around once.

 

This caused me so much stress on my relationship. I only saw her like once a year and talked to her on gchat once a month or so because we lived states away. I couldn't believe it.

 

I do not want to have someone tell me what to do, and you shouldn't let him persay, but don't stay friends out of spite.

 

Really see that this friendship will strain your relationship with your boyfriend. It may not kill it, but it will strain it. Ask yourself if your friendship is worth that.

 

There is no right and wrong. There are choices and consequences.

[mammasita]

Your boyfriend is overreacting a bit with his childish tirade about calling another girl....however I am completely on his side.

 

I don't think it's appropriate for anyone in a relationship to be hanging out one on one with someone of the opposite sex when you're in a relationship (especially someone you've dated and had sex with!!!! come on!!!!!!)....EVER. So what if you invited your BF, if he didn't go, then you shouldn't have either.

 

It's never about trust, it's all about respect and perception. Why even put yourself in a questionable perdicament.

[KuKuKachoo]

I've tried talking to him about it and he only ever says he doesn't trust my friend.

 

He's been cheated on before and I think overcompensates to try to prevent that this time.

 

I've tried to invite him multiple times and he says no every time...

 

Though my friendship with James is important, I don't want to ruin my actual relationship. At the same time, I would rather not completely cut my friend out of my life but I don't mind making compromises/sacrifices. I just don't know what to do or how to address this to my bf. when I do, he gets angry and sarcastic and doesn't listen.

[central]

Does you bf also get angry and sarcastic about other issues? Or just this one? If the two of you can't calmly discuss most issues without falling into an argument, it doesn't bode well for a healthy relationship. At best he is immature and overly-dramatic, and doing a terrible job of expressing his concerns and issues.

[badpenny]

Jealousy is just another word for insecure.

 

But I can see his point. You simply do not keep a close friend/relationship with someone of that kind. By all means choose - maybe your BF is a jealous, possessive guy with a childish streak - in which case, after such a brief relationship, you have to wonder what it will take for him to completely trust you - but honestly? This ex needs to fall off your radar.

 

Get rid of the ex, then see if your BF's behaviour "improves". If he still acts in a jealous and possessive way, think carefully whether you're happy to stay in a relationship like that....

[KuKuKachoo]

Yeah, on most issues he'll get irked and start being rude and sarcastic.

 

We're trying to work on it...but even when I asked him to calm down and talk to me like an adult, he accused me of calling him a child and flew off the handle.

 

Most things he doesn't handle well, but this is the only time where I really don't know what I should do to remedy the situation. It's hard for me to just dump off a friend that I value, but it's equally hard to hurt someone else I value with a friendship that I feel doesn't pose I threat because I KNOW I won't ever cheat on him.

Edited February 26, 2015 by KuKuKachoo

[Friskyone4u]

You don't have to dump your friend but you don't go "hang out" alone with a " friend"'who you have had sex as little as fours the ago with who is still making passes at you.

Sounds like you need to grow up a little if you want to be in a committed relationship. Or just tell your boyfriend you are not exclusive. Please don't use the old nothing will happen thing. It already has and not too long ago and he wants more . Your next post will be " I made a mistake"

[KuKuKachoo]

My friend has NEVER made a pass at me since I've been seeing my bf.

Edited February 26, 2015 by KuKuKachoo

[Zahara]

If you've read anything I've posted, my friend has NEVER made a pass at me since I've been seeing my bf.

 

OP, if your boyfriend was going and spending time at the home of a woman he's had sex with or goes out to dinner/drinks with her -- how would you feel? Be honest with how you will feel about it.

 

If it doesn't matter to you, then you both will never come to terms with this -- you either tone down your friendship with this guy or step out of your relationship. This will keep creating a massive wedge in your relationship.

 

I'm imagining my boyfriend hanging out with a woman he's slept with -- in her home playing video games, going out for drinks, etc. -- it's not something I will condone.

[KuKuKachoo]

Thanks for all the advice guys, I appreciate it. Thanks for talking some sense into me.

[ExpatInItaly]

I have to take your boyfriend's side on this. While I agree that he could express his displeasure and concerns in far more effective ways, I do think you're too close for comfort with this friend. I would not be comfortable with this friendship either. Sorry.

[lolablue17]

Let me offer a different explanation about your BF's behavior.

I don't think that he's afraid of cheating in that manner. I think he trusts you, and he even trust your friend and he doesn't think that you will sleep with him or do anything else.

 

If he was insecure about it, He would cancel plans an come over EVERY TIME you're invited by your friend. But he doesn't want to... Because he is not so insecure (ahhh... maybe a little)

 

He just doesn't want you to like other men. You already proved that you're attracted to your friend, and your BF doesn't like you to even look at your friend or even talk with him because it revives the memories of the sex you had. You look at your friend and you know how he ie naked... And your BF feels he is like sharing you with him, a little of you... And it makes him mad.

 

You see? your R with you BF is temporary... You can be with him 1, 2, 10, 30 years... But there's always the chance that you won't be together. But your friend is for life... Your BF knows that if you both break up, it is reasonable that you will sleep with this friend again... So it makes him upset.

 

I think that if you were friends with your Ex boy friend he wouldn't mind... or at least not in the same voltage... because a relationship happens then it ends! finished, closed issue! But FWB is an open ticket and a constant option.

 

It's not a matter of justice. Every one of you is right. The question is how happy you want your boyfriend to be... and how much you want to sacrifice for that matter. You will not change him, don't dream about that.

[whichwayisup]

Reverse the situation. How would you feel and how would it handle it if he was the one who slept with his 'woman' friend in the past but they still hung out. How would you react if she invited him over to her place to play wii or something? Would you totally be OK with this? No jealously, no concerns that they used to be intimate? Then hanging out alone, playing video games? Just give that some thought.

[NJ123]

Honestly, to me there's no reason at all that you should still be friends with someone you slept with in the past & hanging out with them 1 on 1 especially if you have a boyfriend now. The way he's gone about it has been ****ty, but I wouldn't say you're behavior is that great either.

[NJ123]

Reverse the situation. How would you feel and how would it handle it if he was the one who slept with his 'woman' friend in the past but they still hung out. How would you react if she invited him over to her place to play wii or something? Would you totally be OK with this? No jealously, no concerns that they used to be intimate? Then hanging out alone, playing video games? Just give that some thought.

 

Seems a lot of women don't realize that a lot of men that stay friends with a woman would have sex with them given the chance. This is why men & women can't be friends if there's attraction on 1 side. But given the fact that the OP had sex with this guy a few times in the past & wants to hang out 1 on 1 with him, and thinks the boyfriend should be okay with it blows my ****ing mind.

[KuKuKachoo]

So would it be okay if we were hanging out with other people? NOT one on one?

[todreaminblue]

Exactly! He said he trusts me, but doesn't trust him or what he'd do.

 

Why does it just seem like he doesn't trust ME though? He's got to know I wouldn't allow that. Even if he was a FWB I've never tolerated cheating and have never cheated...

 

 

its quite common for guys to trust their gfs but be concerned about other guys.....truth is and you will probably know this yourself......mostly the bfs who have bad feelings are always right not to trust them

 

if i went out with a guy who wasnt comfortable with one of my my friends and i knew that friend liked me more than a friend or had behaved in a boundary pushing way...i would not do anything to make my bf uncomfortable and that means spending one on one time with a guy and if a guy didnt respect i was in a relationship...i would call it a day on the friendship.......deb