Boyfriend's jealousy...is he right to act this way?

[NJ123]

So would it be okay if we were hanging out with other people? NOT one on one?

 

I suppose. But why are you still close friends with this guy for & want to hang around him so bad? The 1 on 1 interactions wouldn't be acceptable to most guys. You do know if he had the opportunity to have sex with you again he would in a second. And I wouldn't doubt it that he hopes something happens again. Your b/f definitely has the right to be concerned. Seems like you're trying to make any excuse to hang out with this guy like you still have some sort of feelings for him.

[KuKuKachoo]

He's a good friend who's been there for me, even when I was being a jerk and pushing every one away. I never had any feelings for him to begin with, hence the FWB arrangement, not an actual relationship. If I DID have any,

I'd be gunning for him and my boyfriend wouldn't have ever been my boyfriend.

 

However, I'm not so desperate to lose friends, as I only have a handful of close ones that I can relate to.

 

So acting like I'm the bad guy for wanting to keep a friend who, though we had a FWB thing for less than a month, has never done anything so much as ask me how I'm doing in school and respects my relationship is ridiculous in my honest opinion.

 

I can see my boyfriend being upset about one on one time. The responses made me realize that expecting my boyfriend to be okay with something I'm almost completely sure I wouldn't be if the situation were reversed is childish. My boyfriend knew going into this relationship I only have guy friends however. It wasn't a surprise to him. In fact, I've known his friends longer than he's known them. So the jealousy not only with James but my other friends as well is taking a toll on me. It freaks me out that if he is goin to want me to cut contact with one friend, what else is he going to ask for all the other that I haven't had any history with but is still jealous of?

 

I think asking me to completely cut someone out of my life who as 1) never done me or him wrong in any way. 2) has been there for me when I needed honest, unbiased, male advice and 3) who looks out for me even though I haven't talked to or seen him in two months is a little much. Especially when he hadn't disrespected me, my boyfriend or our relationship in any way. If he had, believe me, he'd be gone.

Edited February 27, 2015 by KuKuKachoo

[whichwayisup]

Then your male friend has to reach out and make an effort with your boyfriend. The two of them should go for some beers, hang out and get to know each other, for your sake. That way your bf won't feel threatened or jealous. And, no more one on one time at your male friends house... Going out to lunch or coffee is cool but gaming at his house alone isn't cool.

[KuKuKachoo]

Then your male friend has to reach out and make an effort with your boyfriend. The two of them should go for some beers, hang out and get to know each other, for your sake. That way your bf won't feel threatened or jealous. And, no more one on one time at your male friends house... Going out to lunch or coffee is cool but gaming at his house alone isn't cool.

 

Understood!

[NJ123]

Well, it still seems like you're going to have to possibly choose between your friend & your boyfriend if he hates this guy so much. Seems you're going to have to come to some sort of agreement somehow if you want it to work. Like whichwayisup said their going to have to become civil with each other so there's trust. It seems it's not you he doesn't trust but your friend which is understanable though given your past history with each other.

[ExpatInItaly]

OP, I assume this is the same boyfriend from your other thread. The one who told you he's very close to leaving and needs to "convinced" to stay with you? It sounds like the relationship isn't working out, and this issue is compounding it.

 

In future, you will need to learn that most guys aren't going to love the idea of their girlfriends hanging out alone with a former intimate partner. And you can't force them to see your point of view. Just as you are free to continue being friends with whomever you choose, he is free to decide that doesn't work for him. It sounds like that's what he decided, given the nature of the other thread you started.

[KuKuKachoo]

OP, I assume this is the same boyfriend from your other thread. The one who told you he's very close to leaving and needs to "convinced" to stay with you? It sounds like the relationship isn't working out, and this issue is compounding it.

 

In future, you will need to learn that most guys aren't going to love the idea of their girlfriends hanging out alone with a former intimate partner. And you can't force them to see your point of view. Just as you are free to continue being friends with whomever you choose, he is free to decide that doesn't work for him. It sounds like that's what he decided, given the nature of the other thread you started.

 

Guess so. I just didn't realize issues that could easily be solved (in my opinion) with some calm communication and openness could be such make-or-break things. :/

[lolablue17]

I can see my boyfriend being upset about one on one time. The responses made me realize that expecting my boyfriend to be okay with something I'm almost completely sure I wouldn't be if the situation were reversed is childish. My boyfriend knew going into this relationship I only have guy friends however. It wasn't a surprise to him. In fact, I've known his friends longer than he's known them. So the jealousy not only with James but my other friends as well is taking a toll on me. It freaks me out that if he is goin to want me to cut contact with one friend, what else is he going to ask for all the other that I haven't had any history with but is still jealous of?

 

I think asking me to completely cut someone out of my life who as 1) never done me or him wrong in any way. 2) has been there for me when I needed honest, unbiased, male advice and 3) who looks out for me even though I haven't talked to or seen him in two months is a little much. Especially when he hadn't disrespected me, my boyfriend or our relationship in any way. If he had, believe me, he'd be gone.

 

You are 100% right! Very logical and convincing claims you brought here! congratulation!! You won in court...

 

Don't cut this male friend, go play with him video games, go and hang out with him 1 on 1, or with a group, if that makes you happy... Do it and see what happens.

 

I have a feeling that... well, try and see for yourself how winning in court helps you very little with your BF.

[road]

Understood!

 

 

 

Sadly you need to put yourself in your BF's place. How would you handle an ex of his sending him shirtless photos asking his opinion on how her six pack is improving?

 

 

Or the ex sending a video of her working out and asking how it is improving her tone and what does he think about her being able to pec bounce now?

 

 

Sorry no guy wants his GF to keep an ex in her life. Specially one that boned her.

 

 

When in a relationship there is no need for opposite sex friends for the both of you. Same as when in a marriage.

 

 

Your ex BF remembers what you two did. He wants you as his GF or at the minimum to be his FB again.

 

 

Do you walk around with a white cane, tin cup, dark glasses, guide dog?

[Winterina]

A moment of truth... that guy is not really a friend to you... not really. He is your ex f-buddy. He is just someone to hang with now for you. For your bf he is someone that used to f his gf. He will never be comfortable around that guy. So make your bf comfortable about people you associate with before it turns into him having to fight for your understanding and starting to resent you. He will go out and revenge... so be careful if you don't want to push him away too far.

 

 

I have male friends and I could not imagine being with any of them. They have also never shown any romantic or sexual interest in me whatsoever. That is friendship.

[elaine567]

Yeah, on most issues he'll get irked and start being rude and sarcastic.

We're trying to work on it...but even when I asked him to calm down and talk to me like an adult, he accused me of calling him a child and flew off the handle.

 

Most things he doesn't handle well, /QUOTE]

 

This is also the guy who is very jealous and who needs "convincing" that he needs to stay in this relationship with you and it has only been 4 months.

I am sorry but why are you staying?

Far too much drama and this rude, sarcastic, angry attitude towards you will only get worse.

[JS84]

You really don't get why your boyfriend would have a problem with you hanging out with this guy??? Wow. How old are you??? TBH I think your boyfriend should leave you just because you don't seem to have an understanding of boundaries in a relationship. Y our former FWB is sending you topless pics so you can "judge his work out progress" and you hang out alone with him at his place...*face palm*

 

And don't get me wrong, your boyfriend doesn't sound like a prize. But any guy with any common sense who is dating you would have an issue with your behavior. You can call it insecure or jealous if that makes you feel better, but you're crossing some lines.

Edited February 27, 2015 by JS84

[whichwayisup]

Sadly you need to put yourself in your BF's place. How would you handle an ex of his sending him shirtless photos asking his opinion on how her six pack is improving?

 

 

Or the ex sending a video of her working out and asking how it is improving her tone and what does he think about her being able to pec bounce now?

 

 

Sorry no guy wants his GF to keep an ex in her life. Specially one that boned her.

 

 

When in a relationship there is no need for opposite sex friends for the both of you. Same as when in a marriage.

 

Your ex BF remembers what you two did. He wants you as his GF or at the minimum to be his FB again.

 

 

Do you walk around with a white cane, tin cup, dark glasses, guide dog?

 

Bolded. No, people can have opposite sex friends, just have respect, boundaries and don't cross certain lines. No way am I gonna give up a childhood male friend I've known all my life just because now I'm married. What one does is, INCLUDE the spouse(s) and form a friendship as a group.

 

I do agree ex's that one has had sex with, need to go...

[road]

Bolded. No, people can have opposite sex friends, just have respect, boundaries and don't cross certain lines. No way am I gonna give up a childhood male friend I've known all my life just because now I'm married. What one does is, INCLUDE the spouse(s) and form a friendship as a group.

 

I do agree ex's that one has had sex with, need to go...

 

 

 

Where is the UNLIKE button?

[whichwayisup]

Where is the UNLIKE button?

 

:lmao:

 

Now, was my 'like' an intentional like or a dislike hidden as a like?

[KuKuKachoo]

I've made up my mind that I'm not going to cut my friend out.

He's been there for me more times than my boyfriend has and been a loyal friend, putting aside the whole fling we had which we mutually agreed was weird and wasn't working.

 

I am going to be willing to compromise and not do the 1 on 1 hang outs and instead hang out in groups possibly with my boyfriend, but there's no chance in hell I'm going to say goodbye forever. I have an issue with dumping a friend on the curb for a boyfriend.

 

And if that makes me seem like a bad person to him or to anyone on here who seem to think opposite sex friends shouldn't be tolerated in a relationship, so be it. He knew who my friends were going into this and knew how dear they are to me.

 

***and referencing the incredible amount of posts that seem to neglect that fact that he DOES NOT SEND ME GYM PROGRESS PICTURES ANYMORE because I spelled out boundaries I wanted for my male friends while in this relationship, I'll say it again. No shirtless pics. No disrespect to our relationship.

[KuKuKachoo]

And for clarification: my friend is not an ex boyfriend. We were never together. We tried a FWB arrangement because we didn't want to commit and didn't like it. So we remained friends.

 

Not sure if that makes it better or worse but...*shrugs*

[Elias33]

It should be a rule by now. Don't hang out with your ex and expect your current relationship to go smoothly. You want to hang out with your ex? Well, this is the price-tag that comes with it. I'm sure there are exceptions, but why risk it if you truly are invested in your current relationship?

 

Edit: ex or person you used to sleep with, it doesn't matter. It will cause the same turmoil.

[bubbaganoosh]

It's called common sense. Your in a relationship with a guy and then your going to another guys house to play video games...........just you and your former FWB and you expect your boy friend to be cool with that.

 

I would like to be a fly on the wall if the roles in this little drama were reversed and he said to you, "Hey after work I'm going over to see a girl who was once a FWB friend and play video games.

 

You going to tell me that you wouldn't be getting the same jitters that he's getting? If you say no, it's because he hasn't done it yet so you haven't had to experience it but with him it's reality and rather than going over to FWB house and play video games why don't you play video games with your boyfriend.

 

Honestly. I think you know whats going on and your enjoying playing this game and if your getting your kicks by making someone else miserable then what goes around will certainly come around.

[KuKuKachoo]

You people that believe everyone in the world has malicious intent need a reality check

[whichwayisup]

May I ask is there any particular reason that all your friends are male? Do you not have any women friends?

[jbrent890]

I've made up my mind that I'm not going to cut my friend out.

He's been there for me more times than my boyfriend has and been a loyal friend, putting aside the whole fling we had which we mutually agreed was weird and wasn't working.

 

I am going to be willing to compromise and not do the 1 on 1 hang outs and instead hang out in groups possibly with my boyfriend, but there's no chance in hell I'm going to say goodbye forever. I have an issue with dumping a friend on the curb for a boyfriend.

 

And if that makes me seem like a bad person to him or to anyone on here who seem to think opposite sex friends shouldn't be tolerated in a relationship, so be it. He knew who my friends were going into this and knew how dear they are to me.

 

***and referencing the incredible amount of posts that seem to neglect that fact that he DOES NOT SEND ME GYM PROGRESS PICTURES ANYMORE because I spelled out boundaries I wanted for my male friends while in this relationship, I'll say it again. No shirtless pics. No disrespect to our relationship.

 

Listen I get it, but you really do sound young and naive. Bare with me because I'm going to hit on a few points. First, your friend is a male. If you asked him to screw again, he would be down. Please do not think he ended the sex because he wanted to. He was more than likely following your lead. I don't think it was a mutual as you think and hope that it was. Second, do you want know to know what the #1 cheating partner is for a female? It's their male friends. Not saying that you would cheat, but the vast majority of cheaters all thought they would never do it and they did. For someone in your position, all it takes is for you and your boyfriend to have a rough spot in your relationship. In that situation, I'm assuming that you would go to one of your male friends, more specifically this guy for emotional support. I think you know how that story ends. This site is filled with women who were taken advantage of during heavily emotionally charged parts of their relationships by males that they went to for emotional support. Don't believe me then read some of the stories on here. Trust me when I say that there is a lot of eye opening stuff on this site. Third, it's obvious that your friend is more important to you than your boyfriend. If that's the case, then you need to set this guy free. But know this, you are going to be hard pressed to find a guy that is comfortable with you hanging out with a guy you used to screw. Again, I can honestly see you going to your friend for emotional support and that's going to spell your doom. There's actually a book that covers this called "not just friends." I hope this helps. I'm not calling you a cheater or saying that you will, but I think you really do need to understand the gravity of this situation. Men do not want to be friends with women they are attracted to, especially if they had sex. This guy is not your friend, he is an orbiter. I promise you this, one of these days, if he sees an opportunity, he is going to go for it. And trust me, he will see an opportunity. Again, not calling you a cheater, but it easy to take advantage of women when they are emotionally vulnerable.

Edited February 28, 2015 by jbrent890

[JS84]

You people that believe everyone in the world has malicious intent need a reality check

 

It's not a matter of malicious intent. It's usually people crossing one line (unintentionally), then another (also unintentionally), then another, then another and by the time they realize how badly they've ****ed up all they can do is sit there and say "I have no idea how this happened and how I took it this far!! I didn't mean for this to happen!".

 

That's what boundaries in relationships are for. So you don't unintentionally screw the people you care about over by crossing lines that should have never been crossed to begin with. When I'm in a relationship, I don't hang out alone with my female friends, despite the fact we've been friends for years and I have no intention of doing anything with them. Because I understand how important boundaries are. My female friends don't have a problem with this because they respect me and my relationship.

 

The vast majority of people who come here with sob stories because their behavior and actions have threatened their relationship never intended for it to happen and yet it happened anyway.

 

I'm not saying you have to ignore the guy and cut him out of your life completely but at least you have enough common sense to see that hanging out alone with him should not be happening again while you're with your boyfriend. Unless it's in a group setting with your boyfriend present, it's crossing a line. Whether you have malicious intentions or not.

 

That's just common sense.

Edited February 28, 2015 by JS84

[road]

Listen I get it, but you really do sound young and naive. Bare with me because I'm going to hit on a few points. First, your friend is a male. If you asked him to screw again, he would be down. Please do not think he ended the sex because he wanted to. He was more than likely following your lead. I don't think it was a mutual as you think and hope that it was. Second, do you want know to know what the #1 cheating partner is for a female? It's their male friends. Not saying that you would cheat, but the vast majority of cheaters all thought they would never do it and they did. For someone in your position, all it takes is for you and your boyfriend to have a rough spot in your relationship. In that situation, I'm assuming that you would go to one of your male friends, more specifically this guy for emotional support. I think you know how that story ends. This site is filled with women who were taken advantage of during heavily emotionally charged parts of their relationships by males that they went to for emotional support. Don't believe me then read some of the stories on here. Trust me when I say that there is a lot of eye opening stuff on this site. Third, it's obvious that your friend is more important to you than your boyfriend. If that's the case, then you need to set this guy free. But know this, you are going to be hard pressed to find a guy that is comfortable with you hanging out with a guy you used to screw. Again, I can honestly see you going to your friend for emotional support and that's going to spell your doom. There's actually a book that covers this called "not just friends." I hope this helps. I'm not calling you a cheater or saying that you will, but I think you really do need to understand the gravity of this situation. Men do not want to be friends with women they are attracted to, especially if they had sex. This guy is not your friend, he is an orbiter. I promise you this, one of these days, if he sees an opportunity, he is going to go for it. And trust me, he will see an opportunity. Again, not calling you a cheater, but it easy to take advantage of women when they are emotionally vulnerable.

 

 

 

 

A good post and a waste of time. For this OP is doing a feminazi power trip where no man is going to control her excuse. So she can avoid the reality of how her actions affect a boy friend. Tripping on how many guys she can keep dangling in line.

 

 

Guy's can be patient working the friend angle hoping it pays off and he becomes the BF and the GF's pants are off. That is why this exbf is keeping himself in the picture.

 

 

And, the OP is giving up Friday night, a prime dating night, to the ex in stead of her BF.

 

 

Men have enough male friends to watch a ball game, hunt, fish, all of the many outdoor activities, hobbies, work on their pickups, get drunk.

 

 

There is one need that their man friends can not provide.

 

 

Hence the need for a female friend. And the birth of a relationship.

[SawtoothMars]

And for clarification: my friend is not an ex boyfriend. We were never together. We tried a FWB arrangement because we didn't want to commit and didn't like it. So we remained friends.

Not sure if that makes it better or worse but...*shrugs*

 

Couple points here. First... You ARE choosing your FWB over your BF. That should tell you and everyone else here who you actually care about more.

 

Next, your overall attitude is self centered. You could really give a damn about how your BF feels. This is all about you getting your way.

 

Finally, girls who need tons of male BFF's are not tomboys... they are attention whores. I've actually never met one that didn't have massive emotional issues and cheat compulsively. You have every sign of falling into this category.