Boyfriend's jealousy...is he right to act this way?

[1040]

OP, you sound young and naive. You probably think this is some new situation, when in fact is has happened tens of millions of times.

 

I'm a middle-aged guy. I know exactly what your "friend" is doing, as does every other guy on here, and most of the women. This "friend" is not your friend. He wants to screw you again. 100%.

 

He's a predator, just like a cheetah on an African savanna. He watches, in this case for months/years. He is waiting for you to become vulnerable. Watches, watches, watches.

 

One day, you'll have a fight with your BF. You'll storm out and call your "friend" and say you want to come over and talk. You'll get there and open a bottle of wine and have a few glasses, and gripe about your problems. He'll be totally supportive, hold your hand, commiserate, tell you how right you are and how mean your prick of a BF is and how terrible your situation is.

 

You'll look into his puppy eyes, think "Wow, he really understand me," your woozy tired brain swimming with alcohol, waver, and he'll lean in for the kill. It's just a kiss, no big deal, after all you had sex before, he's there for you, but SOMEHOW it goes further and further. All of a sudden your bra is coming off, wait… You'll make out, hop into the sack, and the deal is sealed.

 

Afterward, you may wonder what happened. It was so innocent; he's supposed to be your supportive friend. You didn't mean for that to occur. You love your BF. What were you thinking? How could this have happened? You were drunk. Maybe he took advantage of you. Blah blah blah.

 

Your BF finds out and dumps your skanky ass. You start to get a reputation.

 

Women fall for this stuff over and over and over and over and over.

 

THIS is why we have strong boundaries for M-F relationships outside of our primary one, and it's why your BF is rightly concerned about your relationship with a male "friend" who previously has porked you. He knows.

Edited March 1, 2015 by 1040

[KuKuKachoo]

I just don't see why we can't compromise.

 

I'm sure no one will actually believe me when I say I won't cheat, because I'll bet they know that a lot of people sadly seem to do that. My mom does it a lot. I know first hand how much it hurts the people around them. But I swear to god that I would never do that to someone. Ever.

 

At the same time that I don't want to lose my boyfriend, I don't want to give up 1 of about 3 friends I have. I don't mind compromising. I don't mind seeing him only when we're hanging out in groups. Not a big deal.

 

But my boyfriend doesn't even want to compromise or talk about it. In fact, he wants me to choose between him and my friend. He gets mad even when I'm hanging out with friends I HAVENT done anything with. What if this extends to then as well at some point? It's not just my ex FWB which is understandable. All my friends are guys just because we have similar interests. I don't get along with girls well because I honestly don't know how to communicate with them, that's all. It's awkward.

 

I understand that my friend isn't an innocent little angel, but what I don't understand is why I get punished for something I haven't ever/will never do (Cheating) and why he won't work something out with me. Why does it have to be either/or?

 

And I guess I'm not very experienced. I'm 19, and I've only been in one serious relationship before this. It lasted two years.

Edited March 3, 2015 by KuKuKachoo

[NJ123]

I just don't see why we can't compromise.

 

I'm sure no one will actually believe me when I say I won't cheat, because I'll bet they know that a lot of people sadly seem to do that. My mom does it a lot. I know first hand how much it hurts the people around them. But I swear to god that I would never do that to someone. Ever.

 

At the same time that I don't want to lose my boyfriend, I don't want to give up 1 of about 3 friends I have. I don't mind compromising. I don't mind seeing him only when we're hanging out in groups. Not a big deal.

 

But my boyfriend doesn't even want to compromise or talk about it. In fact, he wants me to choose between him and my friend. He gets mad even when I'm hanging out with friends I HAVENT done anything with. What if this extends to then as well at some point? It's not just my ex FWB which is understandable. All my friends are guys just because we have similar interests. I don't get along with girls well because I honestly don't know how to communicate with them, that's all. It's awkward.

 

I understand that my friend isn't an innocent little angel, but what I don't understand is why I get punished for something I haven't ever/will never do (Cheating) and why he won't work something out with me. Why does it have to be either/or?

 

And I guess I'm not very experienced. I'm 19, and I've only been in one serious relationship before this. It lasted two years.

 

Well seems you have to make a choice between your friend & your b/f. Talk to your b/f to see if you can come to an agreement with him of sorts. If not than you'll probably have to let him go since there's always going to be problems.

[KuKuKachoo]

He won't even talk to me though. Every time I try to bring it up, he reacts VERY negatively and says things like, "go hang out with him. **** him for all I care."

 

It's not that my friend comes first, considering I haven't seen him in 2 months because my bf doesn't like it, it's that I don't want to lose all my friends and be isolated if our relationship were to ever end. I've done that before and when our relationship ended, I had no one around for support.

[bucktooth]

All my friends are guys just because we have similar interests. I don't get along with girls well because I honestly don't know how to communicate with them, that's all. It's awkward..

 

All your friends are guys? Wha??

 

Red flag when a woman says she can't get along with other women. She normally has her own set of issues that doesn't make her get along with other women. Maybe that is why it's awkward...for you. Maybe all your friends are guys because you like being the focus of all that male attention. Maybe that is why your boyfriend doesn't trust you. You're always around other guys.

[KuKuKachoo]

All your friends are guys? Wha??

 

Red flag when a woman says she can't get along with other women. She normally has her own set of issues that doesn't make her get along with other women. Maybe that is why it's awkward...for you. Maybe all your friends are guys because you like being the focus of all that male attention. Maybe that is why your boyfriend doesn't trust you. You're always around other guys.

 

I didn't say I couldn't get ALONG with them. We don't have the same interests so MOST I don't communicate very well with. For example, I want to talk about a video game I like and they want to gossip about other girls. I can talk to them, but with many it never goes further into an actual friendship.

 

Regardless, he KNEW that was the case before we were together.

[KuKuKachoo]

I also don't see how having male friends makes me untrustworthy. It doesn't.

[bucktooth]

I didn't say I couldn't get ALONG with them. We don't have the same interests so MOST I don't communicate very well with. For example, I want to talk about a video game I like and they want to gossip about other girls. I can talk to them, but with many it never goes further into an actual friendship.

 

Regardless, he KNEW that was the case before we were together.

 

Oh please. Is that your only interest, videogames? Of course, not a lot of women play videogames. And not all women are interested in gossiping as an interest. I hardly believe that the women that you are around are so dull.

 

He knew the case...sure. But along with that, you now want to hang out with someone you had sex with? No boyfriend is going to go for that. I didn't say it makes you untrustworthy...but that his trust issues are heightened.

[KuKuKachoo]

Why won't he even be willing to compromise?

[bucktooth]

Why won't he even be willing to compromise?

 

Dude, it's someone you had sex with. What are you not getting? Go out and make more friends instead of the 3 male friends that you have. Or end it with your boyfriend. Maybe even in a group he feels this guy will make a move on you. Whether he's alone with you or in a group, his existence is a no no for your boyfriend.

[KuKuKachoo]

I didn't come here for people to try to analyze me. Thats stupid.

I'm whatever you think I am, sure.

 

BUT I did come here for honest, unbiased advise.

 

And right now, I want to know why he doesn't even want me talking to him. Why he won't let us hang out in groups. Why he won't compromise.

Why is he making me choose?

 

I've done nothing that is even close to infidelity.

[bucktooth]

I didn't come here for people to try to analyze me. This is so stupid.

I'm whatever you think I am, sure.

 

BUT I did come here for honest, unbiased advise.

 

And right now, I want to know why he doesn't even want me talking to him. Why he won't let us hang out I'm groups. Why he won't compromise.

Why is he making me choose?

 

Anyone that has had similar situations?

 

He won't compromise because he doesn't want you anywhere near a man you once had sex with. It's not surprising.

 

Stop asking why. His answer is no. If you don't like it, end it. Other people's experience won't change his mind so what does it matter?

[KuKuKachoo]

Is it like this with all men?

 

Is my friend always going to be a problem, even if I'm willing to compromise most of our friendship?

[KuKuKachoo]

And if I chose him over my friend, how am I supposed to explain that to my friend.

 

"I can't talk to you anymore, bye forever?"

 

What is the harm in talking to him? :/

[bucktooth]

Is it like this with all men?

 

Is my friend always going to be a problem, even if I'm willing to compromise most of our friendship?

 

I don't know any man or woman that will be comfortable with their partner hanging out with an ex-FWB. Even in group setting, you're both still interacting/being around each other.

 

Yes your friend will always be an issue. Either you end the friendship or relationship.

[NJ123]

Dude, it's someone you had sex with. What are you not getting? Go out and make more friends instead of the 3 male friends that you have. Or end it with your boyfriend. Maybe even in a group he feels this guy will make a move on you. Whether he's alone with you or in a group, his existence is a no no for your boyfriend.

 

This. The vast majority of guys would not be okay with a woman still being very close with a guy she's slept with in the past & wanting to hang out with him alone. Men know what other men do. Most guys want to **** their female friends.

[KuKuKachoo]

And if I chose him over my friend, how am I supposed to explain that to my friend.

 

"I can't talk to you anymore, bye forever?"

 

What is the harm in talking to him? :/

 

^^^

I told my friend I wouldn't throw him or any of my other friends away as soon as I got into a relationship.

[NJ123]

^^^

I told my friend I wouldn't throw him or any of my other friends away as soon as I got into a relationship.

 

Well, than you know your answer as in what you have to do.

[KuKuKachoo]

A response to my first post about what I should tell him would be greatly appreciated.

[NJ123]

I need a response to my first post about what I should tell him.

 

Tell who? Your friend that you can't talk to him anymore?

[KuKuKachoo]

Tell who? Your friend that you can't talk to him anymore?

 

Yes. I have this issue with being a bad friend. It sounds stupid, I know. I just like to be there for people.

 

So telling him I can't talk to or see him anymore is giving me a whooooole lot of anxiety. ?

[NJ123]

Yes. I have this issue with being a bad friend. It sounds stupid, I know. I just like to be there for people.

 

So telling him I can't talk to or see him anymore is giving me a whooooole lot of anxiety. ?

 

I'm confused. Now you want to cut complete contact with the friend you slept with in the past? Didn't seem like you wanted to at all.

[KuKuKachoo]

I'm confused. Now you want to cut complete contact with the friend you slept with in the past? Didn't seem like you wanted to at all.

 

I don't. But my boyfriend said it's either him or my friend. He flat out told me to cut him out of my life or we're over. I don't want to lose him. What am I supposed to do? He won't even let me talk to him.

[NJ123]

I don't. But my boyfriend said it's either him or my friend. He flat out told me to cut him out of my life or we're over. I don't want to lose him. What am I supposed to do? He won't even let me talk to him.

 

Well, I don't know what to say about that. That's really up to you. It's like on one hand your b/f doesn't seem like the greatest person to be with, while on the other it would be difficult for any guy to accept you being close friends with a guy you had sex with in the past. And you can't hide that from any guy you're with.

[KuKuKachoo]

I just don't feel like I have any other option at this point if I want him in my life, which I do.. I was hoping he'd at least let me talk to him every once in a while and catch up. He doesn't want that either though.

Edited March 3, 2015 by KuKuKachoo