Boyfriend's jealousy...is he right to act this way?

[Friskyone4u]

KuKu

 

You in a way brought this on yourself. If you had just maintained a friendship with only seeing your friend in large groups and talking on the phone once in a while it probably never would have come to this.

But you pushed the envelope by wanting to hang out alone with a man your boyfriend knew you had had sex with.

Very few men would be comfortable with that situation. Or women for that matter. This forum is populated by a lot of infidelity that occurred between"friends"

Stop making your boyfriend out to be a monster . He just does not want to be told something like" oh we got a little too drunk and I made a mistake and had sex with him"

Please don"t say it could not happen. You already have had sex with him.

[bucktooth]

I just don't feel like I have any other option at this point if I want him in my life. I was hoping he'd at least let me talk to him every once in a while and catch up. He doesn't want that either though. ?

 

Just be honest. Tell him it's affecting your relationship and seeing that you both were intimate before, it isn't boding well on your boyfriend and you don't have s choice but to end the friendship to save your relationship. He won't like it but I'm sure he'd do the same if he was in the same boat.

[KuKuKachoo]

KuKu

 

You in a way brought this on yourself. If you had just maintained a friendship with only seeing your friend in large groups and talking on the phone once in a while it probably never would have come to this.

But you pushed the envelope by wanting to hang out alone with a man your boyfriend knew you had had sex with.

Very few men would be comfortable with that situation. Or women for that matter. This forum is populated by a lot of infidelity that occurred between"friends"

Stop making your boyfriend out to be a monster . He just does not want to be told something like" oh we got a little too drunk and I made a mistake and had sex with him"

Please don"t say it could not happen. You already have had sex with him.

 

You really think that even if I had done that it wouldn't be an issue now? I highly, highly doubt that given my bf's personality.

[bucktooth]

You really think that even if I had done that it wouldn't be an issue now? I highly, highly doubt that given my bf's personality.

 

Then why are you with someone like this? You said he has an issue with everything you do.

[KuKuKachoo]

Then why are you with someone like this? You said he has an issue with everything you do.

 

I don't know. It wasn't always like that though (or he was good at hiding it at first) and the other day I figured we came to a mutual decision that we weren't going to get past fighting. I gave up and just said we should break up, especially if he needed me to "convince" him why we should stay together.

 

But he freaked out and asked me if he could try again and make it work. And let me tell you, I'm very weak when it comes to stuff like break ups. I agreed to give it another go.

 

Just, in the past he's pointed out many times that he hates that I like to spend my money on traveling, that I don't have a bank account strictly for savings like him, that I don't have a bunch of loans open to build credit like him, that I have irrational hopes for the future, etc etc. we're really good together when we're not fighting. I was hoping this time around it'd be a little better.

[KuKuKachoo]

It's not like I wanted to break up either. Someone in the other forum said when someone needs convincing they're already long gone.

 

And I tried to keep my last boyfriend around when he was unsure and needed "convincing" and he was mentally gone for the last 6 months we were together and it was horrible. I didn't want to do that again.

[bucktooth]

Good together when not fighting but why the fighting? Maybe time to evaluate your relationship. If you're already trying to break up, it's probably going to come up again.

[KuKuKachoo]

Good together when not fighting but why the fighting? Maybe time to evaluate your relationship. If you're already trying to break up, it's probably going to come up again.

 

We just fight over stupid little things and blow them out of proportion.

[jbrent890]

Kurku please belive me when I say that I'm trying to help you out. It would be one thing if you didn't have sex with this guy. In that case I would say that your boyfriend was being pretty unreasonable. Sadly, you crossed that line. You're only 19 years old. You have no idea what you are capabable of. This site is filled with people who said they would NEVER cheat and did so any way. Some even went so far to say that before they did it, they were disgusted by cheaters. Please do not say that you will never do something that you have no idea if it will happen or not. I'm going to let you in on a little secret. Everybody is capable of cheating, especially if they been with someone for a while. Now on to the matter at hand. I really don't mean to offend you, but I'm a firm believer that men and women of the opposite sex cannot be close friends. In fact, this has been proven time and time again. Please refer to to the book I mentioned in my last post. One of these days you will the need to confide in someone else besides your partner (quite frankly I don't see this relationship lasting that much longer). Because you have all male friends, they will more than likely be the person that you go to. Sadly, men take advantage of women in these situations and women let it happen. This happen a lot, in fact, it's pretty f@cking scarey how often it happens. If you haven't done so, scroll through some of the pages in the infedility and OM/OW sections. Look out for the stories in which affairs happened between long term friends, they're not hard to miss. Right now your young and you think your invincible. My wife and I were the same way and we have done a ton of things we said we would never do and we are only 30. And yes, cheating is one of them.

[lolablue17]

I'm on your side. Your approach is very reasonable, wise, and you're willing to listen and compromise. In fact, your attitude is perfect by the book.

 

I've been in your BF's position, that's why i understand him so well. I've never thought i was right, and i knew that justice is not on my side. I wish you a long happy life without being jealous with anyone, i wish you to never understand your boyfriend. You're mentally healthy.

 

It's you that should make a decision - To keep your friend, to keep your values and your principles, and to break up with your BF, Or to remain with your BF with full intention and to cut this guy out of your present.

 

My advice for you is - don't try to change your BF. That's who he is, and i'm telling you straight a head - your contact (any contact) with your FWB will never stop driving your BF's crazy. If you threat to leave him, he might surrender and accept your terms but it will burn inside him and will explode one day.

 

I'm not talking about any contact with any male friend, just this one. If you choose to stay with your BF, you asked what can you tell your friend...

 

Well, first thing, don't throw responsibility on your BF. Don't say "My BF doesn't allow me to contact you". Take responsibility for your decision. You can tell your friend that your contact with him hurts your BF and you don't want to hurt him, so you're gonna cut him. He will understand if he is your friend.

[road]

I didn't come here for people to try to analyze me. Thats stupid.

I'm whatever you think I am, sure.

 

BUT I did come here for honest, unbiased advise.

 

And right now, I want to know why he doesn't even want me talking to him. Why he won't let us hang out in groups. Why he won't compromise.

Why is he making me choose?

 

I've done nothing that is even close to infidelity.

 

 

 

Because men do not want their women to

 

 

#1 have male friends because history shows the chances of them hooking up are to high,

 

 

#2 or have contact with males that they have banged because history shows chances are high that there will be another lets bang for old times sake,

 

 

#3 because your BF knows that men hang around women because they hope to eventually get to bang them.

 

 

 

 

OP, your mind is about as bright as a burnt out light bulb or you are acting oblivious just for the sport of baiting people.

[road]

Now that you have provided more details about your BF I say dump him as well as the old FB. Then put yourself out there for a new BF.

[kendahke]

 

I can see my boyfriend being upset about one on one time. The responses made me realize that expecting my boyfriend to be okay with something I'm almost completely sure I wouldn't be if the situation were reversed is childish. My boyfriend knew going into this relationship I only have guy friends however.

It wasn't a surprise to him. In fact, I've known his friends longer than he's known them. So the jealousy not only with James but my other friends as well is taking a toll on me. It freaks me out that if he is goin to want me to cut contact with one friend, what else is he going to ask for all the other that I haven't had any history with but is still jealous of?

 

I think asking me to completely cut someone out of my life who as 1) never done me or him wrong in any way. 2) has been there for me when I needed honest, unbiased, male advice and 3) who looks out for me even though I haven't talked to or seen him in two months is a little much. Especially when he hadn't disrespected me, my boyfriend or our relationship in any way. If he had, believe me, he'd be gone.

 

non sequitur. How many of these guy friends have you been in a sexual relationship with?

 

We're talking about someone who knows how you orgasm. Someone who knows how you put your mouth on them. Knows how you ride their member.

 

Want to know why your boyfriend is incandescent and doesn't want to be around him? Because your ex-FWB can look him in his eye with the carnal knowledge of you and convey to him that "he was there first, ha ha". If you can't grasp how that makes him feel, then you're lost.

[johncarl]

I've read most of the posts, and all of your responses. I think your bf needs to grow up, and/or has insecurities, and/or is dangerous. His jealousy is a red-flag. Yeah, I can see why someone could be jealous about their significant other spending time with a former fwb. However.....were you friends with the former fwb before you met your boyfriend?

 

 

Your bf's jealousy is a major red flag from my perspective. You should probably just break it off and move on. You're young and have years ahead of you and have only been in a few sexual relationships. Your boyfriend's jealousy though......I would not be surprised if he becomes controlling, verbally abusive and violent. Save yourself the pain of having an abusive relationship and just move on.

[johncarl]

I don't know. It wasn't always like that though (or he was good at hiding it at first) and the other day I figured we came to a mutual decision that we weren't going to get past fighting. I gave up and just said we should break up, especially if he needed me to "convince" him why we should stay together.

 

But he freaked out and asked me if he could try again and make it work. And let me tell you, I'm very weak when it comes to stuff like break ups. I agreed to give it another go.

 

Just, in the past he's pointed out many times that he hates that I like to spend my money on traveling, that I don't have a bank account strictly for savings like him, that I don't have a bunch of loans open to build credit like him, that I have irrational hopes for the future, etc etc. we're really good together when we're not fighting. I was hoping this time around it'd be a little better.

 

 

Break up with this guy and don't look back. He's a controller and will be an abuser as well. All the other things people say trying to justify your bf's jealousy - forget that stuff. If he's picking at you about all sorts of things and criticizing you about all sorts of things then get out now. It's only a matter of time before he's smacking you around. You're young - and deserve a healthy relationship.

[NJ123]

Now that you have provided more details about your BF I say dump him as well as the old FB. Then put yourself out there for a new BF.

 

I was thinking the same thing that maybe she should dump the BF as well as not talking to the friend anymore either. Since if she's still good friends with this guy in a future relationship, the same problem will likely start again since most guys would not be okay with that situation.

[KuKuKachoo]

I've read most of the posts, and all of your responses. I think your bf needs to grow up, and/or has insecurities, and/or is dangerous. His jealousy is a red-flag. Yeah, I can see why someone could be jealous about their significant other spending time with a former fwb. However.....were you friends with the former fwb before you met your boyfriend?

 

 

Your bf's jealousy is a major red flag from my perspective. You should probably just break it off and move on. You're young and have years ahead of you and have only been in a few sexual relationships. Your boyfriend's jealousy though......I would not be surprised if he becomes controlling, verbally abusive and violent. Save yourself the pain of having an abusive relationship and just move on.

 

Yeah, me and my friend were good friends before me and my bf started dating.

 

So people who are jealous like that...they don't overcome it? Or does it take years?

[KuKuKachoo]

Because men do not want their women to

 

 

#1 have male friends because history shows the chances of them hooking up are to high,

 

 

#2 or have contact with males that they have banged because history shows chances are high that there will be another lets bang for old times sake,

 

 

#3 because your BF knows that men hang around women because they hope to eventually get to bang them.

 

 

 

 

OP, your mind is about as bright as a burnt out light bulb or you are acting oblivious just for the sport of baiting people.

 

I love the insults. I thought this was a help forum, not a place for people to get their jollies be being a**holes.

[NJ123]

I love the insults. I thought this was a help forum, not a place for people to get their jollies be being a**holes.

 

They were out of line in the last part of the post, but what the rest of what they said in their post was very true. I honestly think you're going to have to get rid of both possibly since if you even break up with your boyfriend & are still hanging out with this guy friend, no future boyfriend will like that one bit especially after knowing you slept with him. And you seem to have a lot of problems with your current b/f.

[elaine567]

Yeah, me and my friend were good friends before me and my bf started dating.

 

So people who are jealous like that...they don't overcome it? Or does it take years?

 

Truly jealous people, I doubt ever get over it, unless they somehow manage to control all the variables.

It is that desire for control that can lead to violence and abuse.

[elaine567]

Guy friends do not care who you see, because they are not invested in you and they are not sleeping with you either.

 

Boyfriends are invested in you and are sleeping with you, so any other man "friend" or ex hanging around is a threat and will not be tolerated or very reluctantly tolerated.

 

Your boyfriend's "mad" reaction to this "friendly" ex, is normal and understandable. His imagination is going to go wild whilst you hang out with this guy you slept with before, for 3ish hours alone at his place.

[johncarl]

Yeah, me and my friend were good friends before me and my bf started dating.

 

So people who are jealous like that...they don't overcome it? Or does it take years?

 

Yeah, I think that generally that kind of jealousy never subsides. It's more than just a matter off your bf being insecure because you used to hook up with your friend. Red flags all over. I think your bf is one wife-beater shirt away from being on Jerry Springer. Rationalizing why it's okay to hit you, keep all of your money, and screen your calls, texts, drive your car, etc.

 

If it wasn't your friend you had a fling with, your bf would find something else to be jealous about.

[johncarl]

Is it like this with all men?

 

Is my friend always going to be a problem, even if I'm willing to compromise most of our friendship?

 

It's not like this with all men. A lot of guys are/would be fine with it. Honestly, a lot of men. I've been in relationships where my gf was friends with an ex or a former fwb. I trusted her that there was nothing going on. He won't change his mind. And personally, I don't think it's a huge deal that you're still friends with your friend. I think your bf is the problem.

[Friskyone4u]

You stated younwantd advice. No one is judging you . But you appear to not want to accept that very few men are going to fine with you hanging around alone in his apartment with a former FWB. And that does not make them a jealous *******. It makes you a selfish brat not understanding that.

Now, if you feel that you ex sex buddy is more important than your boyfriend that is fine. Then break up with BF and do whatever you want .

For some reason you seem to think if you keep making the statement that you are not banging your friend any more that it will make it ok. Ain't going to happen so unless you lie to your next boyfriend he will most likely feel the same way. From reading your posts my guess is that is what you will do.

[KuKuKachoo]

You stated younwantd advice. No one is judging you . But you appear to not want to accept that very few men are going to fine with you hanging around alone in his apartment with a former FWB. And that does not make them a jealous *******. It makes you a selfish brat not understanding that.

Now, if you feel that you ex sex buddy is more important than your boyfriend that is fine. Then break up with BF and do whatever you want .

For some reason you seem to think if you keep making the statement that you are not banging your friend any more that it will make it ok. Ain't going to happen so unless you lie to your next boyfriend he will most likely feel the same way. From reading your posts my guess is that is what you will do.

 

ADVICE is not calling me a brat. Get off this post.