Boyfriend's jealousy...is he right to act this way?

[KuKuKachoo]

It's not like this with all men. A lot of guys are/would be fine with it. Honestly, a lot of men. I've been in relationships where my gf was friends with an ex or a former fwb. I trusted her that there was nothing going on. He won't change his mind. And personally, I don't think it's a huge deal that you're still friends with your friend. I think your bf is the problem.

 

My friend is also friends with another girl he's had sex with and she is in a relationship right now. They were hanging out just yesterday and her boyfriend apparently has never had an issue with it.

 

Weird...it seems like everyone I've met is like that though. (I mean I've only really dated around 3 people however. I'm a newbie to the dating game, really.)

 

Did you always trust your girlfriend enough to let her do that? Did you ever have a problem with her and her ex talking? Did she tell you he wasn't going anywhere?

 

Maybe I'm sending off a vibe that attracts these kind of men. My ex was like that too. He'd get mad when I went out with my GAY friends even. Haha

Edited March 4, 2015 by KuKuKachoo

[Keke1]

You really think that even if I had done that it wouldn't be an issue now? I highly, highly doubt that given my bf's personality.

 

Get away from your boyfriend. Men and women come and go. Get with someone who is ok with you speaking to and hanging out with male friends. This won't be the only thing he restricts from you. Telling you from experience. He's not ok with that arrangement and that's fine. He can go find another like-minded person.

[kylle]

To be short, your boyfriend is not okay with you hanging out with someone you banged and you do not accept that.

 

If it is more important for you to be able to hang out with this guy you f*cked other than respecting the fact that your boyfriend is not okay with this, end the relationship and find someone who accepts this.

[road]

OP does not want advice.

 

 

She ignores the truths that tell her she needs to respect her BF's wishes.

 

 

Also she gives the impression that she was to marry she would still want to keep her XFB in her life when her husband wants NC.

 

 

OP just wants to hear people tell her want she wants to do is ok.

[kylle]

I think she has every right to keep this guy as a friend, if she wants to.

But she can't force her boyfriend to accept them hanging out alone at his/her place.

 

Listen OP, I respect you, and you don't have to agree with his rationale, but you can't also make him accept you hanging out with any guy you banged.

 

You clearly value your friend more than this relationship, otherwise you'd already have gotten rid of this guy in due respect of your bf's feelings.

 

There's nothing wrong with this, but you have to respect your bf's side, let him go and find someone who is okay with your values and beliefs.

[kendahke]

My friend is also friends with another girl he's had sex with and she is in a relationship right now. They were hanging out just yesterday and her boyfriend apparently has never had an issue with it.

 

That still doesn't make your boyfriend wrong for feeling as he does. They aren't the same man with the exact same life experiences which make them who they are today. The comparison is both unfair and non sequitur.

 

Weird...it seems like everyone I've met is like that though. (I mean I've only really dated around 3 people however. I'm a newbie to the dating game, really.)

 

Here is a universal truth when it comes to dating: if the person you say you emotionally care the most for has an issue with you spending alone time at the home of someone with whom you've had sex in the past, it would be in your best interest to re-evaluate your relationship with them and make a decision on which of the two you'd rather have in your life because chances are, the time is going to come where either you make a choice or they're going to make it for you--and bounce.

 

Maybe I'm sending off a vibe that attracts these kind of men. My ex was like that too. He'd get mad when I went out with my GAY friends even. Haha

 

As I said, it's a universal truth.

[kendahke]

Your friend having carnal knowledge of you is an affront to your boyfriend's sense of himself and his place in your life--that you put this other man ahead of your boyfriend in consideration is a further affront. Spending time with him at his place alone is akin to mentally torturing your boyfriend because he's viewing it as you punking him.

 

Go ahead and hang with your eff buddy all you want, but you're not going to be able to keep a man who is worth something because very, very few will tolerate that level of contempt for them. And yes, what you're doing is contemptuous because you know how your boyfriend feels and you dont' give a damb. Might as well be single and keep all your guys as FWB.

[kenji_t]

What the hell...

 

I can't imagine anyone (man or woman) would be okay with their partners hanging out with past f**k buddies, in groups or alone.

 

I wouldn't do it with my wife, and I know she wouldn't also.

 

Jesus, I don't even know how I would react if she came to me asking: "Hey honey, do you mind if I spend 3 hours alone with the guy I used to screw? Oh you mind? Doesn't matter then, come along with us!"

 

God, this is no way to live!

[DKT3]

Oh boy, OP the problem isn't really you having male friends it that you've had sex with THIS male friend and are totally unwilling to give him up. Were the shoe on the other foot and your boyfriend refused to stop seeing a woman he was sleeping with your view of this would be similar. Had you been willing to give up the friend, built up a solid foundation in this relationship then slowly introduced the friend back into you life with group only activities it could have worked out. You took a hard stance that you wouldn't give him up (likely because you have a much deeper emotional connection then your admitting) you've likely ruined this relationship, anything other then him or me is unacceptable to your boyfriend at this point.

 

Advice: end it with the boyfriend. You've made it clear that the friend is more important. This will continue to be an issue for you in the future no matter the guy your dating.

 

You honestly sound young, maybe your not really in a place to be in a commited relationship. You still have so much to learn.

[Zahara]

My friend is also friends with another girl he's had sex with and she is in a relationship right now. They were hanging out just yesterday and her boyfriend apparently has never had an issue with it.

 

I don't believe you responded to the question posed to you in that if your boyfriend wanted to be around a woman that was once his FWB, how would you feel? You're trying to throw in all sorts of scenarios to justify what you want to do but the thing is your boyfriend's boundaries are not the same as another man's so there is no comparisons to why Mr. A allows it and why Mr. B won't allow it. If that is your argument then you need to date someone who condones that sort of behavior.

 

Weird...it seems like everyone I've met is like that though. (I mean I've only really dated around 3 people however. I'm a newbie to the dating game, really.)

 

I find that hard to believe that everyone you've met is of that mindset. Case in point -- this thread alone is an indication that the majority is of the mindset that it isn't okay for a partner to be hanging out with someone that they've had sex with. I wonder if that's just another justification to make it acceptable in your mind.

 

Maybe I'm sending off a vibe that attracts these kind of men. My ex was like that too. He'd get mad when I went out with my GAY friends even. Haha

 

I don't know what vibe you emit but the fact that you mentioned all your friends are men and that you don't get along with any women or have any women friends is questionable.

Edited March 4, 2015 by Zahara

[johncarl]

What the hell...

 

I can't imagine anyone (man or woman) would be okay with their partners hanging out with past f**k buddies, in groups or alone.

 

I wouldn't do it with my wife, and I know she wouldn't also.

 

Jesus, I don't even know how I would react if she came to me asking: "Hey honey, do you mind if I spend 3 hours alone with the guy I used to screw? Oh you mind? Doesn't matter then, come along with us!"

 

God, this is no way to live!

 

It's no way for you to live. Plenty of people don't and wouldn't have a problem with it......*rolls eyes* not everyone is the same.

[johncarl]

My friend is also friends with another girl he's had sex with and she is in a relationship right now. They were hanging out just yesterday and her boyfriend apparently has never had an issue with it.

 

Weird...it seems like everyone I've met is like that though. (I mean I've only really dated around 3 people however. I'm a newbie to the dating game, really.)

 

Did you always trust your girlfriend enough to let her do that? Did you ever have a problem with her and her ex talking? Did she tell you he wasn't going anywhere?

 

Maybe I'm sending off a vibe that attracts these kind of men. My ex was like that too. He'd get mad when I went out with my GAY friends even. Haha

 

Personally, I never had a problem with a girlfriend talking with an ex. If someone wants to be with someone else they will and if she wanted to be with her ex she would. From my perspective, if you wanted to be hooking up and having sex with your friend you would be doing that.......and you most likely wouldn't be upfront about who you're hanging out with when your bf asks.

 

 

That being said, I doubt your bf will ever change. If this forum provides any sort of anecdotal evidence - a lot of people have a problem with your situation: dating someone, and being friends with a former lover while the current date has a problem with that person. So it's probably not that you attract those types of guys, it's probably that there are more guys like your current bf who have a problem with you being friends with a guy you used to be intimate with. There will be other guys who are cool with such things and confident enough to not worry about it. For example - plenty of people who are divorced have a relationship with their ex spouse because they have kids together. For the sake of the kids they remain civil, talk to one another about things, participate in activities together, etc. A lot of people don't have this kind of civil relationship even when they have kids together because for whatever reason they can't, or their current partners don't approve. But a lot of people do.

 

 

My advice is to break up with the bf. You were friends with your friend first, before the bf came along. The bf is really insecure and possessive and that won't change. There are other men who will come along. People don't like this, but dating is really a numbers game - it's not like the movies where people meet randomly somewhere and fall in love and stay together, or are high school sweethearts: e.g. out of the dozens of couples I know, one out of perhaps 50 are high school sweethearts - the rest were through a lot of relationships before they found the right person. You're young and have a lot ahead of you - play the numbers and go on dates, eventually you will meet a guy who isn't jealous, who really likes you, who's good to you and who is ok with you being friends with, and hanging out with a guy you used to have sex with. It just takes time and numbers......

[kenji_t]

It's no way for you to live. Plenty of people don't and wouldn't have a problem with it......*rolls eyes* not everyone is the same.

 

Sorry but I wouldn't want my wife (and I'm sure she wouldn't also) hanging around some guy she banged and I really can't imagine anyone who would. But it's just me, I guess I'm the weirdo then

[kendahke]

It's no way for you to live. Plenty of people don't and wouldn't have a problem with it......*rolls eyes* not everyone is the same.

 

No, someone who is actively cheating wouldn't have a problem with it, I suppose.

[jbrent890]

No, someone who is actively cheating wouldn't have a problem with it, I suppose.

 

Wow I was thinking the exact same thing. Someone with no boundaries is giving someone else with no boundaries advice. It's like a mentally handicapped person trying to teach another mentally handicapped person algebra.

[KuKuKachoo]

Personally, I never had a problem with a girlfriend talking with an ex. If someone wants to be with someone else they will and if she wanted to be with her ex she would. From my perspective, if you wanted to be hooking up and having sex with your friend you would be doing that.......and you most likely wouldn't be upfront about who you're hanging out with when your bf asks.

 

 

That being said, I doubt your bf will ever change. If this forum provides any sort of anecdotal evidence - a lot of people have a problem with your situation: dating someone, and being friends with a former lover while the current date has a problem with that person. So it's probably not that you attract those types of guys, it's probably that there are more guys like your current bf who have a problem with you being friends with a guy you used to be intimate with. There will be other guys who are cool with such things and confident enough to not worry about it. For example - plenty of people who are divorced have a relationship with their ex spouse because they have kids together. For the sake of the kids they remain civil, talk to one another about things, participate in activities together, etc. A lot of people don't have this kind of civil relationship even when they have kids together because for whatever reason they can't, or their current partners don't approve. But a lot of people do.

 

 

My advice is to break up with the bf. You were friends with your friend first, before the bf came along. The bf is really insecure and possessive and that won't change. There are other men who will come along. People don't like this, but dating is really a numbers game - it's not like the movies where people meet randomly somewhere and fall in love and stay together, or are high school sweethearts: e.g. out of the dozens of couples I know, one out of perhaps 50 are high school sweethearts - the rest were through a lot of relationships before they found the right person. You're young and have a lot ahead of you - play the numbers and go on dates, eventually you will meet a guy who isn't jealous, who really likes you, who's good to you and who is ok with you being friends with, and hanging out with a guy you used to have sex with. It just takes time and numbers......

 

Thanks for offering another perspective on things. I honestly would probably have a hard time with a bf hanging out with an ex, but over time I feel like trust should build and I'd be open to talking about it. It's been 4 months and he's been checking my phone and asking where I am constantly during many, many calls throughout the day.

 

I really appreciate the encouragement. (: *tips hat*

[1040]

OP, I was a little harsh on you earlier, sorry. It's just that I am over 50 and know a lot more about human nature than you and have seen this situation a zillion times. Every woman swears she'd never cheat, right up until the moment she does.

 

Now that you have told us more about your BF, my advice changes. You should dump him.

 

He is right to be bothered about you seeing your formerly-FWB guy alone, at night. 95+% of people agree, I'd estimate, and it's puzzling to me that you cannot understand that point of view. But it sounds as though he's WAY too controlling. I bet he doesn't want you to have lunch with other guys, even obviously platonic ones.

 

If so, this is wrong. You cannot be expected to avoid all contact with 50% of the world, forever.

 

I am afraid that by wanting to see the other guy and pressing it, trying to persuade BF he's wrong about that, you've raised his defenses. Now he's paranoid. Doubt this ends well.

 

Good luck.

[elaine567]

Sorry but I wouldn't want my wife (and I'm sure she wouldn't also) hanging around some guy she banged and I really can't imagine anyone who would. But it's just me, I guess I'm the weirdo then

 

No most wouldn't, but johncarl does have a point.

If the OP's intention was to sleep with her ex FWB, then she and he would find a way to achieve that goal.

So whilst the bf can get all upset and spend hours checking up on her daily, then that will not make her "be good", if she doesn't want to be.

 

Trust is what is missing here and yes, some have had that trust betrayed, but the bf here is actually pushing the OP away, due to his total lack of trust in her.

The worrying thing here for the OP, is that sometimes those who show NO trust whatsoever in their partner, are doing that because they know that they themselves cannot be trusted, and/or, that they themselves are cheating, so they trust no-one.

[kenji_t]

No most wouldn't, but johncarl does have a point.

If the OP's intention was to sleep with her ex FWB, then she and he would find a way to achieve that goal.

So whilst the bf can get all upset and spend hours checking up on her daily, then that will not make her "be good", if she doesn't want to be.

 

Trust is what is missing here and yes, some have had that trust betrayed, but the bf here is actually pushing the OP away, due to his total lack of trust in her.

The worrying thing here for the OP, is that sometimes those who show NO trust whatsoever in their partner, are doing that because they know that they themselves cannot be trusted, and/or, that they themselves are cheating, so they trust no-one.

 

I'm not saying the guy is the pope, he's actually quite a jerk.

 

But asking to spend 3 hours alone with a past f-buddy is way over the line IMO. It's not just a trust thing, I see it more like a respect thing.

 

I wouldn't ask my wife to spend time alone with a woman I used to have sex with, in all due respect to her, as I hope she wouldn't also.

[umirano]

Thanks for offering another perspective on things. I honestly would probably have a hard time with a bf hanging out with an ex, but over time I feel like trust should build and I'd be open to talking about it. It's been 4 months and he's been checking my phone and asking where I am constantly during many, many calls throughout the day.

 

I really appreciate the encouragement. (: *tips hat*

 

It doesn't look like you're making your BF feel that he can trust you. He should break up with you because this RS isn't really easy and a source of strength, but rather a burden and an energy sink. Probably you'll have to be the strong one and do the deed. One partner policing the other isn't what's happening in a good relationship.

 

Probably you're attractive. Now he's trying to square your attractiveness to him with your attractiveness to others and will - necessarily - fail.

 

Interestingly after four months you expect him to be ok with you hanging out with this ex FWB, but after the same four months you would not be ok with him hanging out with an ex. Does not compute.

 

And what johncarl said... he's kind of confusing a few things:

 

• Ex-marital partners sharing custody of children vs ex FWBs
  
• Age-wise we're in completely different leagues, thus also when it comes to maturity, honesty, investment into a RS, etc.
  

 

Most of his claims may have some relevance for people >35 and with kids. It certainly is a fantasy when we're talking about dumb college kids <25.

[KuKuKachoo]

No most wouldn't, but johncarl does have a point.

If the OP's intention was to sleep with her ex FWB, then she and he would find a way to achieve that goal.

So whilst the bf can get all upset and spend hours checking up on her daily, then that will not make her "be good", if she doesn't want to be.

 

Trust is what is missing here and yes, some have had that trust betrayed, but the bf here is actually pushing the OP away, due to his total lack of trust in her.

The worrying thing here for the OP, is that sometimes those who show NO trust whatsoever in their partner, are doing that because they know that they themselves cannot be trusted, and/or, that they themselves are cheating, so they trust no-one.

 

Exactly. I tried explaining to him that, with any situation, you can't stop someone from cheating. You just make their end goal a little harder to achieve. I even had a cute little comparison of a rat in a maze. You can be the maze and make it harder for the rat to get to the cheese, but EVENTUALLY it'll get to the cheese.

I know this from watching my mom and her partners, whom she's pretty much all cheated on. Nothing, no convincing or "talks," have stopped her.

 

I think that was the wrong thing to do though...it probably fed into his fear.. :/

It just didn't seem like consoling him and telling him I valued him so infidelity was out of the question was neither helping or hurting and got tiring when I was doing it weekly. :/

 

I think I totally screwed this relationship up. I mean I know it's not all one-sided but I made a big contribution to this result. Agh, it sucks. I thought we were so good together. Last night he told me to "go **** yourself," so I guess it's pretty clear now that the lack of respect and trust is too big of an issue for me to work on. ):

 

I'm going to go read through some other forums and see if people who work on themselves after a breakup get back together. That'd be cool.

Edited March 5, 2015 by KuKuKachoo

[whichwayisup]

You did nothing to calm his fears, you made it worse. Also, you chose your male (exfwb) friend over your relationship with your boyfriend. That much is clear and he is done. he doesn't trust you, he feels hurt that you 'need' your ex in your life.

 

I asked you this before, why do you only have guy friends and no women friends? You said all your friends were men.

 

I'm going to go read through some other forums and see if people who work on themselves after a breakup get back together. That'd be cool.

 

Issue is, your exfwb. As long as that guy is still in your life then you don't have a chance with your boyfriend. And, to be honest, I'm sure any future guy wouldn't be thrilled that you hang out with your exfwb alone in his house playing video games.

Edited March 5, 2015 by whichwayisup