Ex and l have started talking again but it's very hot/cold.

[Art Vandalay]

Little bit of back story:

 

I am 23 and my ex is 20. We went out for 3 years and broke up last August. The relationship was great, we were each other’s first real relationship, first love, all that good stuff. We had taken a few brakes throughout our relationship for various reasons but always ended up getting back together within a month or so.

 

At the end of last summer we mutually decided to go our separate ways because she was going back to school, and moving into her sorority house (which doesn’t allow guys to stay the night or even go upstairs) and I (having just graduated) was staying in our home town and living with my folks for the next few months until I could get enough money to move out on my own. (It’s also important to note that the university we both went to is located only about a 40 minute drive from our home town, where I currently live.) In any case, we decided that our living situations would make it too difficult to continue seeing each other, even though we both “were still in love.”

 

Over the next few months things changed, I figured that since we left things so nicely and that we never stopped loving each other, we would still talk and occasionally see each other. But she had other plans. She began ingoring any message I would send, going completely no contact with me. When we eventually did speak again about 3 months down the line she told me she was seeing other guys, living the college life, and that I shouldn’t try to talk to her. I should have expected it, but it really did catch me off guard given how close we were over the last few years.

 

Fast forward to my birthday in December, she called me unexpectedly to wish me a happy birthday and then posted to my facebook as well. Over the next week we talked frequently, mostly about her finals and what not, things seemed to be getting back to normal between the two of us. Then later that week she posted on facebook that she “was in a relationship” with this one frat guy who she hangs around with a lot. I sent her a text saying I was happy for her but I was upset with myself for ever letting her go. The next day she called me and told me the post was a big joke and that the guy is just one of her “best friends” and that they thought it would be funny. She then told me this is why she can’t talk to me, and that I shouldn’t try to talk to her.

 

Fast forward to the beginning of February, I sent her a message one night saying that I’ve been thinking of her, and she responded by calling me, we talked on the phone for 4 hours. She seemed very loose and we reminisced on our relationship, it even got pretty explicit with her recounting our sexual history, how good it was, and all the things we never got to try. She told me she was really sorry for just ignoring me and that it wasn’t the right thing to do. After this convo I was pretty confused since it seemed to come out of nowhere. I was excited though, since I still had feelings for her. So, since valentines day was coming up I went online and ordered her flowers to be delivered to her on valentines day.

 

The next weekend I was going back up to my old college town (where she lives) to see a friend who was coming back into town for the weekend from out of state. While I was up there I ended up calling her, she answered and said that she wanted to hang out that night, unfortunately for me I lost my car keys and was unable to meet up with her. She said that if I was still up there the next day that she might still be able to. The next night I got a new set of keys and called her up but she denied my call, sending it to voicemail after one or two rings every time. I texted her asking her what was up, but she never responded.

 

Fast forward a week, it’s now valentines weekend and my flowers are set to be delivered. I’m sitting at home thinking, “oh man this is going to be a total disaster, she ignored my calls last week and we haven’t talked at all about it this week. She’s gonna get those flowers and get super pissed and tell me that we shouldn’t talk any more.” So right around noon I get the call from her, here we go… Turns out she loved them and is going on and on about what a surprise it was, and starts talking about last valentines day when we were together.

 

Over the next week I tried to text her asking how school is going, sent her a few snapchats, absolutely no response. Now a couple days ago she snapchats me and we had a brief meaningless exchange before saying goodnight to each other.

 

Now to my question: what the hell is going on? We have interacted more over the last few weeks than we had in the 5 months prior, and some of that contact has been in pretty intimate detail. But still whenever I try to reach out and try to maintain a more consistent line of contact, she ignores me. Any advice?

 

TLDR: GF of 3 years broke up because we were living in different cities, we don’t talk for a few months. Last month or so I have been very confused by her hot/cold attitude towards me.

[badpenny]

Go No Contact. Stay No Contact until you feel completely neutral about her, and wouldn't give a flying piglet if you ever saw her in the arms of another man, holding his baby.

 

Bad idea, reconnecting with an ex you still clearly have feelings for.

Very bad idea.

[mineral27]

Well, she might be feeling something too, but maybe isn't sure if it's a good idea.

Or maybe she just enjoys your company but doesn't want you to get your hopes up?

Can't say, perhaps you might want to 'test the waters' some more?

 

Also, I do find the fake 'in a relationship' thing interesting. Even if it was just a joke, it smells a bit fishy ... could be a joke with the intent to get some sort of reaction.

[Art Vandalay]

Well, she might be feeling something too, but maybe isn't sure if it's a good idea.

Or maybe she just enjoys your company but doesn't want you to get your hopes up?

Can't say, perhaps you might want to 'test the waters' some more?

 

Also, I do find the fake 'in a relationship' thing interesting. Even if it was just a joke, it smells a bit fishy ... could be a joke with the intent to get some sort of reaction.

 

Yeah, I thought it was really weird too. It came a about a week after we started talking again in December. She has a really strange relationship with that guy also, she’s always posting pictures of herself with him but claimed they are just “best friends.” She’s the type that seems like she always has a lot of guy “best friends” even back to high school she has always had group of guys who were her “best friends” that always got me a little upset when we were together.

[flightplan]

It could be her "other" option is hot and cold. She could just be mirroring the other relationship she's trying to figure out. The other guy shows attention, you get the cold shoulder.. etc...

[lolablue17]

She said she is just "Best friends" with him. What is best friend? There is no contradiction between best friends and BF.

 

He can be a BF and "best friend" at the same time. He can also be a fuc# buddy or "best friend with best benefits".

 

If you can keep in touch with her as if you have never been together, it's fine. But if, as i suspect, you can't - Go NC.

 

This "thing" you have with her is not good for you. She was right - You shouldn't talk to her anymore. Listen to her, she likes talking to you but she's also trying to warn you that you're gonna get hurt.

[Art Vandalay]

It could be her "other" option is hot and cold. She could just be mirroring the other relationship she's trying to figure out. The other guy shows attention, you get the cold shoulder.. etc...

 

Yeah, but to be honest I really don’t think that guy and her are a thing, I know that some of her other friends have taken him as dates to social functions, and I know that she has taken other guys besides him to formals and whatnot as well. Just at the time it hit me because I really didn’t think making fake relationship status was even a thing so I didn’t question it.

 

Honestly she has always been a flirty kind of girl if you know what I mean. I’m a decently good looking guy, not loaded with cash or anything, but I always got the sense that if she could have her dream guy he would be a step or two above me. I get the sense that she has spent the last few months going from brief hook-up relationship to the next with some top of the line good looking frat bros, but is now realizing that that isn’t quite as fulfilling or what she thought it might be. Remember she had been with me, save for a month or two, for all of college until these last 6 months.

[Art Vandalay]

She said she is just "Best friends" with him. What is best friend? There is no contradiction between best friends and BF.

 

He can be a BF and "best friend" at the same time. He can also be a fuc# buddy or "best friend with best benefits".

 

If you can keep in touch with her as if you have never been together, it's fine. But if, as i suspect, you can't - Go NC.

 

This "thing" you have with her is not good for you. She was right - You shouldn't talk to her anymore. Listen to her, she likes talking to you but she's also trying to warn you that you're gonna get hurt.

 

i don't agree with everything, but i do agree with the last sentence. i think her hesitation to talk to me most likely stems from the fact that she has no idea what she's doing and she doesn't want to mess with me if she's not entirely sure she wants to get involved with me again, which i don't think she is right now.

 

The other part of this is that before we went out we were really good friends for about two years, like really close, so thats part of the season i would like to at least maintain some contact, because aside from the relationship we were really good friends before.

Edited February 27, 2015 by Art Vandalay

[flightplan]

Yeah, but to be honest I really don’t think that guy and her are a thing,

 

Your probably right, but these boards are full of guys who didn't think their woman and the other guy were a thing. Faking a post is a raging red flag. Just sayin'. Hope you figure it out.. good luck!

[Art Vandalay]

Your probably right, but these boards are full of guys who didn't think their woman and the other guy were a thing. Faking a post is a raging red flag. Just sayin'. Hope you figure it out.. good luck!

 

Yeah, i mean i know for fact that she has been in little hook up relationships with at least 3 other guys since we broke up. And if i found out that they had hooked up that wouldn't surprise me, but at this point, knowing what i know now, it would surprise me if they were actually dating or anything like that.

[Simon Phoenix]

Red flags abound. Exes giving mixed signals are almost always bad news. Since you aren't indifferent to said signals, I'd be backing off pretty quickly. She's getting support when she wants it, then going cold when she doesn't.

 

She needs to be going at your pace, not dictating the pace. Not liking what I'm reading.

[Art Vandalay]

Red flags abound. Exes giving mixed signals are almost always bad news. Since you aren't indifferent to said signals, I'd be backing off pretty quickly. She's getting support when she wants it, then going cold when she doesn't.

 

She needs to be going at your pace, not dictating the pace. Not liking what I'm reading.

 

Yeah i agree with this

[lolablue17]

we were really good friends for about two years, like really close, so thats part of the season i would like to at least maintain some contact

 

You're gonna get hurt. Because she knows facts that you don't, Like her being involved in romantic\sexual encounters with other guy\s.

 

If she wasn't, she would have talked to you much more, meeting with you more on holidays, and wouldn't tell you that "you shouldn't call me".

 

This "you shouldn't talk to me" is because she's afraid that if she talks to you too much, eventually you will know what's going on in her life (because she doesn't want to lie), and she doesn't want you to find out, because she knows it will hurt you.