How do you "gently" end it??

[Livingeachday]

My affair is just a little over the 3 year mark with MM. Has always been smooth sailing although (or probably because) we are very LDR. No push/pull, no future faking, always been on the same page about the state of our affair - he loves his wife + family but loves me as well.

 

The last 6 month were incredibly difficult for me unrelated to him - first my sister died and than my father (within 3 months of each other), seperated from my husband (nothing to do with MM - it was long overdue), sorting out housing, inheritance, funerals etc... and he has been there for me and supported me all along in the most incredible way.

 

Thought I deserved a little holiday and went for a little trip to see him three weeks ago. 3 hours after my arrival he suffered a heart attack. I luckily recognised the signs immediately, called an ambulance and he was in the hospital 10 Minutes later and survived. By sheer luck and a lot of improvisation (and help) I was able to cover up the details of how he got into hospital and his wife has no idea what really happend. He is recovering now but the whole experience has left me in shock. It made me realise that he could not just have died but he could have gotten away with his life but his world imploded around him.

 

We thought we were invincible and could just go on with the fantasy forever. We are still in touch but I know that this has to end and it has to end now - I'm not willing to take the risk again to potentially ruin his life and make him lose his family.

 

I was hoping this life threatening event would make him realise the same - somehow it doesn't really seem like that so far (going by the brief exchanges we had) cos nothing changed in the way he is communicating with me but I'm set that I need to end this immediately.

 

I've been thinking about this over and over again. Have hardly slept or eaten in the last weeks but I'm none the wise. How on gods green earth do you end it with somebody who just survived a heart attack and whom you love??? I already told him that we need to talk next week...

 

Any help/suggestions would be greatly appreciated...

 

And I'm sure you gonna see a lot more of me here in the next weeks/months...I know I will have long road ahead of me to get over this....

[badpenny]

I think when you meet him, you take his left hand in both of yours, and tell him it's over. Point to his ring finger and tell him that's where he belongs. It's up to him what he does from that moment on, with regard to his marriage - but sadly, you can no longer invest your emotions in this. You love him, but you have to let him go - and he has to do the same for you.

 

Don't be swayed by tears, cajoling and entreaties - tell him this is unbearably hard for you too - but everything, without exception, has a beginning, a middle and an end. And this too, has run its course.

 

Ask him to not contact you, and then you will have to take that initiative to block him and entertain no attempts on his part to draw you back in.

[Eagle's-bargain]

We thought we were invincible and could just go on with the fantasy forever. We are still in touch but I know that this has to end and it has to end now - I'm not willing to take the risk again to potentially ruin his life and make him lose his family.

 

I've been thinking about this over and over again. Have hardly slept or eaten in the last weeks but I'm none the wise. How on gods green earth do you end it with somebody who just survived a heart attack and whom you love??? I already told him that we need to talk next week...

 

There IS no way to do it gently.

You don't. You love him. If he refuses to leave his wife for you, then it's over between you. You're just tires for the race track. He puts you in his life when he wants something special, until then he's no different than someone hiding a crack-cocaine addiction.

 

I feel bad for you, because I know what you're going through.

But you can't do it gently. FULL on ultimatum: divorce or bye bye. And even then. What would stop him from divorcing you down the road?

 

You're not alone, and yes it will be hard.

[I'mNotYours]

We thought we were invincible and could just go on with the fantasy forever. We are still in touch but I know that this has to end and it has to end now - I'm not willing to take the risk again to potentially ruin his life and make him lose his family.

 

I don't really know about ultimatums. Especially since it doesn't seem like you want him to leave his w.

 

I think you should say something like what you've written here (the quoted part). Hopefully he will understand.

[Livingeachday]

I have absolutely no intention of asking him to leave his marriage. Heck it's exactly the opposite: I need to end this now cos I'm certain that he loves his wife and is just blocking out what the consequences would be if she ever would find out about us. I just don't want him to risk all of that anymore.

 

As screwed up as it may sound: I'm certain he loves me as well - his actions over the last 3 years have completely backed up his words. He was always there for me when I needed him especially in the last months when my familiy died. But he loves his wife as well and does everything he can for her and the kids. I actually believe that's probably one of the reasons he did have the heart attack - he was over stretching himself to comfort everybody on top of his already stressfull job. And it's also another reason why I think I need to end this now - I don't want him to go on like this and maybe have another heart attack. It sure also stems from feeling partly responsible that it happend in the first place.

 

I don't know ...I feel like I can't think straight anymore. Last thing I want is that he thinks that I end it right in the moment he has got an health problem when he supported me in every way he could when I wasn't well...geez this is soooo difficult.

[Rainbowlove]

Last thing I want is that he thinks that I end it right in the moment he has got an health problem when he supported me in every way he could when I wasn't well...geez this is soooo difficult.

 

There will never be a good time to end it. There is absolutely no way of ending it gently.

 

You cannot control what he thinks about you after you end it. He will mull over why you are ending it and the timing of you ending it. All you can do is explain why and let him deal with his healing his way.

 

Three years is a long time. The stress of an affair could also cause a heart attack.

 

If you love him, let him go be with his family peacefully. When you end it, be kind. Make sure he knows you are ending it for him to be free and that you do love and care for him. Also explain that you are ready to let go for you.

 

Good luck.

[HereNorThere]

Honestly, if you're just his side-chick, he will probably be relieved that you want to end it. If he wanted you around, he would have chosen you in the first place. More than likely, he wants it to end as well, but has to keep you happy so you don't mess up his real relationship. I wouldn't be too concerned.

[whichwayisup]

Be honest and tell him your reasons why you are ending the A with him.

 

The longer you stay in the affair with him, the less chances you have to meet someone else, have a life built, a husband and kids. This guy has his life set already and as much as he loves you, he's told you he loves his wife too and has no plans on leaving and divorcing. You need to look out for yourself and what is best for you now, so as hard as it'll be ending it, focus on your own healing and not so much on hurting him. Everybody gets hurts in affairs, you can't prevent that.

[jellybean89]

I don't understand why this is so hard. You tell him "I have decided to end our affair. While I love you, I need to let you go and I need to focus on me and my life. Your heart attack showed me how precious life is and how easily our lives can end. I want to find happiness and love with someone who I can be I a relationship full time with, not a part time mistress. I wish you the best. Please do not contact me anymore."

 

Done.

[Lady2163]

What I did to end it was slightly convoluted and an outright lie, but it was as gentle as possible in my case.

 

I was also ldr. I had no intentions of ever asking for him to leave his wife and I do not believe we loved each other as a romantic couple. As friends, maybe yes.

 

Anyway, I invented a mystery man. We dated and we eventually got serious enough where I wanted to be monogamous. MM had no qualms about us not seeing each other any more. He really put his money where his mouth was - he always said he wanted me to find some local and single.

 

But - I'm able to talk, text or email him when I want to. We are still friends. We don't flirt much, still tease each other about personality quirks and such. It's all good.

 

Oh - and the reason I ended it? I just couldn't bear the thought of him losing everything he's spent 40+ years working for. Financially, family, business and community reputation. He is an upstanding guy 99% of the time. I was his 1% mistake.

[GypsumSatellite]

I think it might be gentle to tell him how his heart attack and the resulting cover up of how he came to be in the hospital and so on could have posed an end to the M he desires to stay in. Bring it up to him logically, that more of these incidences could occur in the future - not heart attacks, but car accidents or any number of other emergencies that could blow everything up in his world.

 

Tell him you love him, tell him it's the right thing to do, and let that be the end of it. It sounds easy... I know it won't be. Using health concerns and protecting his coveted marital state is presenting it to appeal to his brain, not his heart. He may be grateful for the gentle ushering.

[Josmatjes]

Just be honest.....

[Popsicle]

Tell him exactly what you said here (it was worded perfectly) and don't let him guilt trip you. Block his calls and messages after that. It will no longer be your responsibility after you end it.