I had Sex with my Fitness Trainer!!! That's not all...read...

[star1978]

We started training months ago…we got along very very well…talked for hours and never ran out of things to say. He took me out on a date and we had some fun sex in the car (like the old teenage years. Lol). Next training session, things were normal. Following session, we had sex again. Then he told me he was married and had 2 kids! What??? Why did he keep this from me for this long? I felt so dirty and ashamed. I felt like he tricked me into having sex with him; had I known he was married, I would NEVER have accepted to go out with him…or even talked to him as much as I did. I asked him why he kept it from me and I let him know I how dirty I felt. He explained to me that he had tried to divorce his wife but she refused. Then he told her that if they stayed together, he would do whatever he pleased in exchange for a “good” husband (meaning to put food on the table, pay the bills, etc). She agreed. I’m thinking to myself, “WHAT??? She’s ok with him sleeping around????” That’s insane! I am NOT falling for this. After that, I thought I’d stay away from him…but I didn’t. We still have sex. I don’t feel bad anymore…possibly because I’ve already had him? Or I’ve become accustomed to him? We have sex to have sex, no feelings involved…(actually, I really like him. No feelings on his end) ….what should I do? A) Request another trainer (he’s a very good trainer, I would hate to do this) B)Stay and cut the sex (I’m not sure this is possible, I can try) C) Leave things as they are, it’ll grow old sooner or later.

[GirlDown]

don't feel bad.

 

the girl who used to be my best friend is a personal trainer, and she screws everyone, the clients, the club owner, her boss, you name it. and her boss was married and has two kids but "they were in the middle of separating." once my friend and the boss stopped f*ucking, he and his wife miraculously started to "work things out." blech.

 

it happens more often than you'd ever think. don't feel so bad.

 

you're not married. but do keep in mind that he is married, and he does have children, and you may be inadvertantlly helping to ruin someone's marriage and/or life.

 

do the right thing.

[ww]

A) He is a very good trainer,...

no doubt about that

[Moose]

He's married, that mean hands off, period. Otherwise, you're just as guilty as the cheater.

[newby]

After that, I thought I’d stay away from him…but I didn’t. We still have sex. I don’t feel bad anymore…possibly because I’ve already had him? Or I’ve become accustomed to him?

i know what you mean about this, the first time with me i was so drunk i couldnt remember a thing and only realised what had happened because we were the only ones left at the party and my clothes were on back to front!

i then had to live with the fact that i had done it but i had no recollection of it and didnt even know whether i had enjoyed it, had it been loving etc

once i had got used to the fact that i had already done it made me think i may as well do it again when i was sober and could remember. after that it was easier each time. its a strange thing to fall into when it is accidental. i know that i wouldnt have done it had i been sober because he had tried loads of times when i was sober and i always knocked him back. i had actually been getting worried about him thinking he might be obsessed with me and wondering whether to tell someone to tell him to get off my case.

as for advice for you i dont know, the longer it goes on the harder it is to stop.

just know that he is unlikely to develop feelings for you if he has already decided not to. men find it easy to seperate emotions from sex. they can keep sex just sex in their minds.

it is a bad idea to carry on but i know how hard it is.

try to build other things up in your life til gradually you are not relying on him so much for drama and excitement and company etc

the drama of the situation does get addictive i think, first of all it is stressful then you get the buzz

[newby]

He's married, that mean hands off, period. Otherwise, you're just as guilty as the cheater.

i am sorry moose, i dont agree. when women have been tricked into having sex by lies, manipulation whatever means it is very hard for us to accept we have been decieved and used just for sex. its not as easy as it would be for a man most men would probably find it an ego boost. it is awful for a woman to feel she has been used for sex and if she is already down it can really drive her into a deep depression, i am telling you this from personal experience. perhaps men and particuarly mm just dont understand this.

[star1978]

you may be inadvertantlly helping to ruin someone's marriage and/or life.

 

I don't think I have any effect on him or his life at all. I'm just another piece of a*s to him...I understand this and it is ok..as long as I can spend time with him. Am I making sense? I probably sound like I'm hopeless and in love...i'm not in love...i like his company and I like the sex. Deep inside, I know it's wrong, but I don't feel any remorse when I'm with him anymore. He sleeps with other women...I'm just another one of them....and his wife is "ok with it".

 

the longer it goes on the harder it is to stop.

 

This is true. I feel like I've kept this going too long...because I can't seem stay away. Last night I was with him; I told him I didn't want to do this anymore. He was very understanding. He held me tight and kissed my face and I realized I didn't want this to end. I enjoy his company. I'm not holding on to any false hope (that he'll leave his family for me) because I know this is just a sex thing. I just wish I could stop...just like that...and not miss him.

 

 

it is very hard for us to accept we have been decieved and used just for sex.

 

This is very true. This is how I felt when I first found out. Then we talked and had sex again and I'm ok again. Weird. I don't know if I'm stupid or what....

[newby]

This is very true. This is how I felt when I first found out. Then we talked and had sex again and I'm ok again. Weird. I don't know if I'm stupid or what....

no, its strange isnt it because logically you know it is just sex and sometimes you dont even know if you feel anything for them but it does often feel like affection and it is comforting somewhat:confused:

[Moose]

i am sorry moose, i dont agree. when women have been tricked into having sex by lies, manipulation whatever means it is very hard for us to accept we have been decieved and used just for sex.

So, you've been deceived, but then she found out he's married, yet she continues to have sex with him. THIS IS WRONG! I don't care if you think you're keeping sex, sex and nothing else. That's a bunch of bull s***!!!

 

I don't know how you can sleep at night knowing what you're doing to their wives and families. How can you live with yourself? You know how wrong this is.....so stop it!!!!

[Moose]

He sleeps with other women...I'm just another one of them....and his wife is "ok with it".

Boy, does he have you friggin' convinced or what. I tell you what, ask him right out if you can talk to his wife, so that you can know for yourself that sleeping with him is ok......see what kind of reaction you get.

I know this is just a sex thing. I just wish I could stop...just like that...and not miss him.

It's never just a sex thing. I don't understand how you women can do this then complain about it.

[star1978]

Boy, does he have you friggin' convinced or what. I tell you what, ask him right out if you can talk to his wife, so that you can know for yourself that sleeping with him is ok......see what kind of reaction you get.

 

I admit....I can be wrong about him...he could have made the whole thing up just to keep me from getting emotionally involved...I don't know. His wife may think he's an angel. It could be anything. I know it's wrong....but it's not as easy as you think it is.

 

It's never just a sex thing. I don't understand how you women can do this then complain about it.

 

So, you've been deceived, but then she found out he's married, yet she continues to have sex with him. THIS IS WRONG!

 

What do you mean do this then complain about it? I repeat, I DIDNT KNOW he was married, when I found out....I was too attached to let go. I'm trying, why else am I posting here? I need some good advice not someone judging me. Do you think I haven't tried to stay away...it's no ME going after him...he comes after me...and I'm weak.

[StillHurtin]

This sickens me! I agree w/ Moose. What you are both doing is wrong. You don't have the facts that his W gave him permission to sleep around, he could just say that to keep screwing you. I was in love w/ a man for 4 years and when I found out he got his GF pg and was going to marry her I quit all contact w/ him. I stopped seeing him, calling him, everything and I made it through life just fine w/o him. Sure, it was hard at first b/c I loved him so much but I wasn't going to be screwing around w/ a mm. I went on w/ my life and dated and fell in love again as soon as my heart was healed. Yes, I knew he had a GF but he never told me how serious they were, he told me he was still seeing other people but never mentioned if she was. I knew I was wrong for sleeping w/ him when he had a GF but when I found out he was going to marry her I quit seeing him. It can be done. You can stop sleeping w/ him, it's called self control.

As for seeking another trainer, I suggest quitting the gym he works at and join another. If there is no other gyms in your area go on the hours he isn't working. You need to get away from him and start seeing a SG, not one who is M, happily or not.

[star1978]

I decided to do just that....get another trainer. I am worth way more than him. If he wants to sleep around, he can find other stupid single girls. Sigh, I'm starting to think now. lol. One thing: I am NOT having sex with him just because his wife is ok with it. I THOUGHT he was single...went out with him, had sex with him, got attached and here I am. EVEN if his wife WAS ok with it, had i KNOWN he was married i would never ever ever have been with him. Clear?

 

One more thing on behalf of all of the people posting in this section...we don't need to be scolded for our "sins"...we need genuine advice from people who've been there.

[StillHurtin]

I am glad that you decided to get another trainer, it's for the best. I just don't want to see you get hurt like so many of the OW on this board. GL! You deserve better than this.

[newby]

Yes, I knew he had a GF but he never told me how serious they were, he told me he was still seeing other people but never mentioned if she was. I knew I was wrong for sleeping w/ him when he had a GF but when I found out he was going to marry her I quit seeing him.

i do not see all that much of a difference. so he lied to you about where they were at and when you had evidence to the contrary you stopped.

whats the difference? theres not a lot. somebody upping their whole relationship to marriage shows they have a desire to move the relationship to a deeper level of commitment. thats quite a blatant sign that there have been lies told and that your relationship with him was going nowhere.

its no huge stretch of the imagination to get your head around the fact that somebody has been married for ages and wants to get out of it. i didnt find it hard to believe at all when my mm told me he wanted out of the marriage and that this was pretty much on the cards with both of them. especially when he was heavily pursuing me and taking stupid risks to see me.

he has (maybe but probably) lied to star about the state his marriage is in. if he tells her they are going on a second honeymoon i am sure she will come to the same conclusions you did.

 

moose i think you will find you are right about ow getting their karma, read here and you will see they have already got it. all the ow in this forum are getting out of the relationship. they come here for the support to do that.

i dont know if it would be a good procedure or not if at aa meetings and sessions lots of people stood around shouting "fu(kn alkies-i hope you get liver disease". i dunno, it might work...

[RecordProducer]

Newby, she is not hoping that he will develop any feelings for her nor would it be good given that he is married. And Moose IS right. If you're used for sex and it doesn't feel good, that's one more reason for her to ditch him. By continuing to have sex with him, he allows him to get away with the lies and encourages him to do it again with other women.

[GirlDown]

i didn't mean you would be ruining his life alone, i was referring to his wife and especially his two children.

 

you and this man are not the only ones involved in this relationship if he is married.

[Moose]

I know I can come off as a self righteous ass and I really don't mean to put you all down. But when I see this all happening, none of you ever seem to realize that you have consequences for what you're doing.

 

all the ow in this forum are getting out of the relationship

No their not. Actually some come on here asking for advice, and when we tell them to stop, they blame their own weaknesses why you can't.

 

When all you, (and other OWs), really want to hear is, "it's ok hun, you were weak, you're doing the right thing, his wife is a bitch, she doesn't understand him like you do, hang in there", well, sorry, that just isn't me. I'm going to tell you like it is.

[newby]

When all you, (and other OWs), really want to hear is, "it's ok hun, you were weak, you're doing the right thing, his wife is a bitch, she doesn't understand him like you do, hang in there"

 

bulls***!

let me count the number of times any OW here has ever given that advice...um..none

[Moose]

Originally posted by newby

bulls***!

let me count the number of times any OW here has ever given that advice...um..none

Ok, fair enough, maybe not in those words, but some do come in here to find justification for their actions. You can't deny that. So when we tell them there isn't any justification, that it's wrong, wrong, wrong, and the reasons why it's wrong, we're accused of talking down to them........go figure.

 

I noticed that part of my earlier post was edited by the mods for some comments I made to Mr. Spock and her comment, (which was totally deleted for obvious reasons). I just want to apologize to the mods for making them work.......again.

 

I'm also sorry that you're so defensive towards me newby. The only reason I posted what I did was to counter Mr. Spock and her comment about her jumping down my throat if she caught me drinking. Her example was a poor one and was really just an attempt to start a fight with me.

 

I'm trying to explain why most of the time it looks like we're putting OW and OM down. I did give good solid advice on how the OP should handle this. Here's the reason this all started:

I repeat, I DIDNT KNOW he was married, when I found out....I was too attached to let go.

I find comments like these to be total nonsense. I have no doubt in my mind that the OP is an intellegent woman. Maybe a tad gullable, but intellegent. For a smart person to be convinced a married man has an, "agreement", with his wife to sleep around without verifying it is beyond my comprehension. For a smart person to sleep with a married man period is beyond my comprehension.

I need some good advice not someone judging me.

Look, it's not judging. You were tricked into this, shame on him.....you found out he's married, yet you continued......shame on you. There's no judging at all going on here. You came right out and admitted it. It's your confession, not my judgement.

One more thing on behalf of all of the people posting in this section...we don't need to be scolded for our "sins"...

Then how, exactly, are we to point out the err in your ways? It's impossible to condone what OW and OM do and give them sound advice. The only sound advice to give to them is to get out of these affairs, at least until they're both single, otherwise all you'll have is heartache and despair. We all want to feel good about ourselves, right? So pointing out what's making them unhappy is the same as you thinking we're scolding people for their sins......it's a catch 22 and that's probably why Midori had to post, "read first" thread she did.

[star1978]

For a smart person to be convinced a married man has an, "agreement", with his wife to sleep around without verifying it is beyond my comprehension.

 

I said, "I am NOT falling for this" I don't know why you keep saying I'm stupid for believing that. I am having sex with him for OTHER reasons, I am attached to him. I KNOW it is wrong. Never did I say it was ok, or NEVER did I try to justify myself. I'm looking for a way out...and I realized that the only way out is to get another trainer. I don't want to...but I'm going to do it for self-respect & the sake of his wife and kids. I came here to find out what OW had to say about it, not to hear someone preach to me like I've heard before.

 

For a smart person to sleep with a married man period is beyond my comprehension.

 

I guess you'll never understand then. You don't know what it feels like to be wrong about someone, after thinking a certain way for so long. How do you let go? After this long? It is NOT easy. We can't just say, "OH MY GOD, this is so wrong. I hate you. Goodbye". Hello? There are feelings involved.

 

Then how, exactly, are we to point out the err in your ways? It's impossible to condone what OW and OM do and give them sound advice.

 

Uh...sound advice doesn't necessarily mean "stay with him, keep doing what you're doing". OW post here to hear different opinions...we've all heard the same ,"How DARE you? You BAD woman".

 

I don't know about everyone else, but as for me and as hard as it may be...I'm leaving him. I'm not TOO emotionally involved, so I can imagine how hard it is for the OW who are.

[newby]

moose, firstly there was no defense without attack.

i was an ow, you made a vicious attack on ow, i wouldnt mind but it was ill informed too. you made the attack before spock came into the picture so that is a lame excuse. if you are apologising however, i accept.

okay firstly, the ow here do not for one second think that what they are doing is right, they are not stupid or without morals you do not need to point out something so obvious as the error of their ways.

yes there is a point when you realise you have been decieved, sometimes it is early on sometimes later, it makes not a huge amount of difference. the thing that makes it hard to get out of the relationship is accepting that you have been decieved and used. thats it. i am sure that other ow might not agree with me but i am pretty certain that whilst other emotions may come into play that is the biggest part of it. the other emotions that come into play may be such things as love lust loneliness but the biggest thing is, i have been decieved and played so somebody could use my body. that same person may be saying things like "i love you" etc to keep you in there, and you really dont want to believe you have been used and decieved and you really want to believe the words.

it is no bigger crime than the bs who ignores the signs because they cannot handle the truth.

yes it is a weakness, but it is emotional, it is ego, yeah. but not many of us in this world are immune from ego tricks. it is something we should all practise.

[star1978]

well said.

[Pocky]

Unfortunately, in my opinion the biggest problem I see with the OW/OM discussions is that those participating in this behavior do not want to take responsibility for it. As an adult and an individual you do have the right to participate in any type of relationship you want between consenting adults. However, every adult is capable of understanding the difference between right and wrong and are capable of processing the consequences of their own actions. I don't have an issue with people having affairs; I have an issue with people having affairs and then asking for sympathy or understanding when they're suffering and hurting because the person they want to be with goes home to their married spouse.

 

If you're capable of making the decision to enter into a relationship with a married person then you're capable of taking responsibility for those actions. I'm tired of the lame excuse that it was a moment of weakness or that there is an emotional tie that binds these two people together.

 

If you want to have a relationship with a married person then by all means go for it, but don't ask for sympathy and understanding when you lose the gamble and the whole thing falls to pieces. You're experiencing this because of your own behavior. The OW/OM is not a victim.

 

You - are - not - a - victim.

[Mz. Pixie]

I'm going to agree with Pocky and Moose.... and I was a former OW.

 

It was wrong, we developed feelings for each other and we shouldn't have. We both made a decision to stop, and we did. I didn't want him to leave his wife, we never discussed it. He didn't want me to leave my husband. I left my husband later not because of him but because the affair was a barometer to me about how I felt about my marriage. It wasn't easy to stop, because we both had those feelings, but we did.

 

I'm not any better than anyone here, I just knew it was wrong and stopped. I'm not judging anyone. Since coming to LS and seeing what kind of pain a affair can cause it has changed my opinion about alot of things. I have also began a relationship with someone who's ex wife had a long term affair and I've seen how it hurt him.

 

For you to sit there and say you don't want him to leave his wife and then turn around and say you can't stop yourself is strange to me. It can't just be about the sex because if so you could turn that off. You say you know you're just a piece of xss to him?? How could you want to be with someone who treats you that way??

 

You deserve better, in fact, most OW's do. We just sell ourselves short sometimes.