I had Sex with my Fitness Trainer!!! That's not all...read...

[Moose]

With all of that said then........why don't OW get pissed? Surely there has to be feelings of anger.......so much so as to drown out the other feelings they have for the one they're cheating with.

I said, "I am NOT falling for this" I don't know why you keep saying I'm stupid for believing that. I am having sex with him for OTHER reasons, I am attached to him.

Point out where I said you were stupid. You can't. In fact, I said you're intellegent. In this sentence, you clearly admit that you're having sex with him for other reasons, even though he's married. Just because you're attached to him. This is unbelievable to me. You clearly see the wrong in it, you clearly understand that chances are you're going to get hurt. You don't seem to mind that he's using you, you don't care about his family, come on......are these things intellegent people do? NO, that's why you're choosing to get another trainer and get away from it and I commend you for that. Turns out you do care about his family, you are upset for him using you, you're thinking about how he can hurt you and on and on. We all make mistakes, this too shall pass. The comments I made are for those women who choose to continue even though they know their accomplices are married and has a family.

I guess you'll never understand then. You don't know what it feels like to be wrong about someone, after thinking a certain way for so long. How do you let go? After this long? It is NOT easy. We can't just say, "OH MY GOD, this is so wrong. I hate you. Goodbye". Hello? There are feelings involved.

Your very first post said that you've known him for months.....not years.....how many months? How many years do you have to know someone and not get pissed enough to tell them to get lost after you learned they're just using you and cheating on their spouses? You're right. I'll never understand how anyone can be so attached that they would allow someone to continue raping and robbing you.

 

Newby, I get what you're saying. There is no tactfull way to give advice to people who cheat and not bring up how immoral or wrong it is. That's the point I'm trying to make. Sure, you can tell everyone they made a mistake, leave and move on, but that's not what I think they want to hear. They want closure, they want forgiveness, if not from God Himself, it would be a comfort to know from someone else who's gone through something like this that everything will be ok. The truth is, it'll never be ok until the realization is made that nothing good will ever come out of an affair. period.

[newby]

Newby, I get what you're saying. There is no tactfull way to give advice to people who cheat and not bring up how immoral or wrong it is. That's the point I'm trying to make.

actually thats not what i was saying!

the trouble with these kind of discussions is that, if you make an attack on somebody, they will overcompensate in their defense which causes another overcompensation in the next attack and so on....

that is the trouble with attacking people and judging people, the more you do it, the less you will actually understand anything. i dont see how that helps the world, i dont see how that helps the human race.

moose, what is wrong in wanting forgiveness? i forgive YOU for making nasty vicious attacks! i mean i could understand so harsh a judgement on some things but for sleeping with a very willing married man???? please!

pocky have you never made a mistake?? and nobody is saying they are a victim, they are saying i got myself in a mess i am trying to get out. thats what im hearing.

[Moose]

Newby,

 

Now I'm thinking that you're just trying to attack me. I told you before, I'm not JUDGING anyone. If a trees leaves are green, and someone tries to convince you they're blue, you'll know they're wrong. No doubt about it. There's no disputing that. There's no disputing what I said.

moose, what is wrong in wanting forgiveness?

Nothing at all! Not a damn thing! I never said there was anything wrong with it. I think you're just wanting to pick a fight now.

i forgive YOU for making nasty vicious attacks! i mean i could understand so harsh a judgement on some things but for sleeping with a very willing married man???? please!

Listen to yourself......who gives a flying rats behind if the married man is WILLING!!!!!!????? You have no right to be with a married man, no right what so ever. I just think you have no clue what marriage really is. That's a common problem I've noticed, and it's growing uncontrolably.

they are saying i got myself in a mess i am trying to get out. thats what im hearing.

That's not what I'm hearing:

A) Request another trainer (he’s a very good trainer, I would hate to do this) B)Stay and cut the sex (I’m not sure this is possible, I can try) C) Leave things as they are, it’ll grow old sooner or later.

There were 3 choice here. Only one of them implied losing the trainer. The other 2 would've kept her involved. At first she wasn't try to get out. Now she is. My job is done here.

[Pocky]

Originally posted by newby

pocky have you never made a mistake?? and nobody is saying they are a victim, they are saying i got myself in a mess i am trying to get out. thats what im hearing.

 

This is a mistake:

 

He took me out on a date and we had some fun sex in the car (like the old teenage years. Lol). Next training session, things were normal. Following session, we had sex again. Then he told me he was married and had 2 kids! What??? Why did he keep this from me for this long? I felt so dirty and ashamed. I felt like he tricked me into having sex with him; had I known he was married, I would NEVER have accepted to go out with him…or even talked to him as much as I did.

 

This is a conscious decision to participate in this behavior:

 

After that, I thought I’d stay away from him…but I didn’t. We still have sex. I don’t feel bad anymore…

 

i'm not in love...i like his company and I like the sex. Deep inside, I know it's wrong, but I don't feel any remorse when I'm with him anymore.

 

Then we talked and had sex again and I'm ok again.

 

C) Leave things as they are, it’ll grow old sooner or later.

 

My comment was a general comment regarding behavior found in the OW/OM threads. It's not about making a mistake. It's about making a conscious decision to continue participating in this type of behavior. Once that decision has been made one can only blame oneself for the emotional damage and hardship they experience.

[HokeyReligions]

Originally posted by Pocky

Unfortunately, in my opinion the biggest problem I see with the OW/OM discussions is that those participating in this behavior do not want to take responsibility for it. As an adult and an individual you do have the right to participate in any type of relationship you want between consenting adults. However, every adult is capable of understanding the difference between right and wrong and are capable of processing the consequences of their own actions. I don't have an issue with people having affairs; I have an issue with people having affairs and then asking for sympathy or understanding when they're suffering and hurting because the person they want to be with goes home to their married spouse.

 

If you're capable of making the decision to enter into a relationship with a married person then you're capable of taking responsibility for those actions. I'm tired of the lame excuse that it was a moment of weakness or that there is an emotional tie that binds these two people together.

 

If you want to have a relationship with a married person then by all means go for it, but don't ask for sympathy and understanding when you lose the gamble and the whole thing falls to pieces. You're experiencing this because of your own behavior. The OW/OM is not a victim.

 

You - are - not - a - victim.

 

Hokey is applauding. Loudly. Very well said. My only addition for those who have been deceived:

 

[color=darkblue]You stop being a victim the second you learn your sex partner is married, or in a committed relationship with someone else. At that point end it, or become a willing accomplice to the lie. [/color]

[HokeyReligions]

Originally posted by Mz. Pixie

I'm not any better than anyone here,

 

You are no worse than anyone else either -- don't forget that! We are all HUMAN! If we are smart, we learn from our mistakes----whatever form those mistakes may come in.

[star1978]

Me at first: I'm gonna miss him! I can have fun for awhile. He can have fun for awhile. No feelings involved.

 

Me now: I'm getting another trainer and doing the right thing. So THERE, moose. lol That's what these forums are for.

[newby]

moose, you are right, i have no idea what marriage is, but then i didnt choose the marriage, HE DID.

[newby]

i am so glad i gave you the support you needed to get out of that one star, ah my job here is done!

[whichwayisup]

Look, it's not judging. You were tricked into this, shame on him.....you found out he's married, yet you continued......shame on you. There's no judging at all going on here. You came right out and admitted it. It's your confession, not my judgement.

 

Moose nailed this right on here.

 

He's a s*** for leading you on, but now you do have the choice to say NO. It will hurt as you're attached to him but in time that hurt will go away. He's not worth it, not only cuz he's married cuz he's a s***!

[Moose]

Originally posted by newby

i am so glad i gave you the support you needed to get out of that one star, ah my job here is done!

Me now: I'm getting another trainer and doing the right thing. So THERE, moose. lol That's what these forums are for.

<<<<<<Is out in the parking lot doing flips and jumpin' up and down!!>>>>>>

[newby]

bye for now all, its been fun!

[faux]

It takes no critical mental processing to know that you should remove yourself from the situation. Your personal trainer should not do such things with you. Get him fired for it if you wish it.

 

Perhaps you think his behavior is wrong, but now that you know he is a married man with children, what then of your behavior?

[StillHurtin]

Originally posted by newby

i do not see all that much of a difference. so he lied to you about where they were at and when you had evidence to the contrary you stopped.

whats the difference? theres not a lot. somebody upping their whole relationship to marriage shows they have a desire to move the relationship to a deeper level of commitment. thats quite a blatant sign that there have been lies told and that your relationship with him was going nowhere.

its no huge stretch of the imagination to get your head around the fact that somebody has been married for ages and wants to get out of it. i didnt find it hard to believe at all when my mm told me he wanted out of the marriage and that this was pretty much on the cards with both of them. especially when he was heavily pursuing me and taking stupid risks to see me.

he has (maybe but probably) lied to star about the state his marriage is in. if he tells her they are going on a second honeymoon i am sure she will come to the same conclusions you did.

 

moose i think you will find you are right about ow getting their karma, read here and you will see they have already got it. all the ow in this forum are getting out of the relationship. they come here for the support to do that.

i dont know if it would be a good procedure or not if at aa meetings and sessions lots of people stood around shouting "fu(kn alkies-i hope you get liver disease". i dunno, it might work...

 

Ok, I just reread what I posted and it didn't come out right. He was involved w/ her, plus others, and when I moved away to college we weren't involved anymore. I seen him a few months after I went off to college but nothing happened, he was having a party w/ a bunch of girls there and I am sure he ended up w/ one of them. No, his GF was not there. Anyhow, that was the last time I seen him and a several months later I found out he got her pg and the got married. He married her b/c she got pregnant, they were divorced a year later. He didn't lie to me, he told me he was seeing her, but like I said, he was seeing others. She was just one of his many, he wasn't going to settle down w/ her until she got pg. The difference is, he was not married, and at the time was nowhere marriage. There is a big difference between sleeping w/ a mm and someone who is dating around.

[newby]

well then, still hurtin, i guess you're a better person than i am.

[StillHurtin]

Originally posted by newby

well then, still hurtin, i guess you're a better person than i am.

 

I never implied that I was a better person than you are. Just b/c I refuse to date a mm doesn't make me better, it just means I have more self control and morals not to date and/or sleep w/ a mm.

 

Several years ago I met a very neat guy. We had a lot of things in common and he was a blast to be around, we were just good friends. While H and I were going through our D I called this man to see if he wanted to get together. I would of loved to went on at least one date w/ him b/c he was so much fun and had the neatest personilty.

 

He quit the band about 3 years b4. He was dating someone right b4 he quit. I heard that they had a baby together but they never got married. When I called him his wive's voice was the one on the answering machine. I never called him back after that.

[newby]

wow! you have such self control and high morals!

[StillHurtin]

Originally posted by newby

wow! you have such self control and high morals!

 

 

Way to be sarcastic w/ your reply. I have self control over and high morals when it comes to NOT dating mm, I can't say I have much self control or high morals on other some other things. Never said I was perfect.

[newby]

look still hurtin theres not much i can say here is there without either being accused of being a victim or a harlot or making excuses.

i will tell you that i also have numerous examples of turning down the option of being the ow, so what?

[newby]

star-i am so sorry for taking over this post.

i hope that you are still feeling strong, keep us posted.

[d'Arthez]

Originally posted by StillHurtin

I never implied that I was a better person than you are. Just b/c I refuse to date a mm doesn't make me better, it just means I have more self control and morals not to date and/or sleep w/ a mm.

 

I have self control over and high morals when it comes to NOT dating mm, I can't say I have much self control or high morals on other some other things. Never said I was perfect.

 

The statements are already contradictory in itself. If you "have" higher morals, you don't flaunt them, especially not in these discussions.

 

Furthermore it is only a single aspect of your life; and to consider yourself moral because you haven't dated an MM is a joke.

[Pocky]

Considering so many of us measure morality based on others actions why are we not allowed to judge our own morality based on our actions? Why is it acceptable for us to tell others that they are lacking in morality when they have affairs with OW/OM, but we're not allowed to share that our own personal morality does not afford us the opportunity to make this same mistake?

 

So we lambaste others if they make mistakes and falter on the scale of morality and we lambaste others if they don't make mistakes and they excel on the scale of morality? Now, in my opinion, that's contradicting.

 

Good job to anyone that's made a commitment to not have affairs and to not participate in a behavior that is affecting so many relationships. Good job to anyone that's capable of sticking by a code of morality that they've implemented into their lives. Being able to say that shouldn't threaten anyone else.

[newby]

actually pocky, d'Arthez did not lambaste anybody so there is no contradiction in what he said.

the blame for being stuck in a bad relationship like the ow/mm relationship lies with the ego, it is the same ego which decides we are morally superior to another. if one was able to be enlightened and exist beyond the ego there would be neither selfish action nor judgement.

[Pocky]

Originally posted by newby

actually pocky, d'Arthez did not lambaste anybody so there is no contradiction in what he said.

the blame for being stuck in a bad relationship like the ow/mm relationship lies with the ego, it is the same ego which decides we are morally superior to another. if one was able to be enlightened and exist beyond the ego there would be neither selfish action nor judgement.

 

If I was directing my post to d'Arthez only then I would have quoted him or addressed it to him. My post was in response to every post that attacked someone else for being able to stand up and say that their morals doesn't allow them to participate in this type of behavior.

 

If Stillhurtin hasn't had an affair then in that area Stillhurtin is morally superior to me. In that area, Stillhurtin is capable of accepting what is right or wrong and is strong enough to do what I wasn't able to do. Why is it wrong to recognize the strengths in others? Many people come on here putting others down for having affairs and when someone actually says they won't because their morals won't let them we suddenly equate them to the very same people that do have affairs?

 

It's comical. We're so hypocritical. You have affairs and you're lacking in morals. You don't have affairs and think highly of yourself because you don't and you're lacking in morals.

 

Being able to say that you won't do something because it's wrong doesn't equate to ego.

[StillHurtin]

I didn't mean for my "high morals" comment to turn into some debate here. I simply stated I have high morals when it comes to not dating a mm b/c newby replied that I am better than her, which I am not. Just b/c I wont and never have slept w/ a mm doesn't mean I am better than anyone else who sleeps w/ a MP, that is where I have more morals than a person who does sleep w/ a MP, sorry if that is offensive to anyone, but it's true. Maybe "high morals" wasn't the correct term to use.

 

I am not perfect, I smoke, I drink, I cuss like a sailor when I get pi$$ed, so I am not saying my overall life is high on morals, just when it comes to dating mm, I think more of myself as a person to do that to myself, and his W. Plus, why would I even want to sleep w/ a MM when I have what I want at home. If anyone here wants to date a MP that is your choice and I am not going to sit here and bash you for it, I have already said that I wouldn't in a different thread.

 

And thank you Poky, your words were appreciated.