Just ended it. Could use and a few supportive words.

[ZuzCue]

Hello everyone. I just joined hoping to get a bit of support or advice. Forgive me as I do not have the acronyms down pat yet. I literally just ended it today with my MM after 3 years. We were friends first, grew to be very close friends (or so I thought), and eventually entered into a physical and romantic relationship. The first two years were fantastic but as the story goes I started to ask for more - not for him to leave his wife - but for more of his time. Needless to say the moment I started asking for more the relationship started crumbling. Last year was very bumpy. We've parted ways several times over the last year but never for more than two weeks. We agreed in the new year to put the past in the past and start over on clean slate. I kept my end of the bargain, he just did what he has been doing all along: avoiding and resisting.

 

Today we had a big fight and I "lost it" and told him how poorly he has been treating me, to take a hike, and never contact me again. He basically said this: I have no excuse for how I have been treating you. I'm very sorry. But OK I won't bother you again. Of course it is a bit more complicated that that but I'm trying to not write a novel. For the last 3 hours all I have been doing is crying. Wondering why I wasn't good enough for him to want to try harder. Wondering how he could just let me go without a fight. Wondering why he couldn't see how much effort I put into this relationship, into making sure he was happy? I feel like I never mattered to him and dammit it hurts like hell. What's worse is that at the very least I thought we were friends, and I am terrified to lose my friend.

 

I know I have to let him go. I know I have to do NC. I already blocked him on all social media, email, and instant messaging. I'm a smart woman and know I deserve better, know he is an a**hole taking advantage of me, but I just can't seem to do what I know is right. I think this is what I struggle with the most. Knowing what is right but being incapable of doing it. I know I am too weak and need to reach out to someone. I can't talk to any of my friends or family. I have kept him a secret for 3 years because he runs in the same circles as I do.

 

Anyways, I could just use some support right now. Some shared stories. Some cold hard truth. Some advice or tips on how to stick to my guns. I'd love to stop crying and maybe smile.

 

Thanks.

[gettingstronger]

Please don't judge your self worth on his actions-you were in a no win situation and realized it-its not because you were not good enough, its not because you didn't try hard enough-its because you were in a situation that was not going to work-

 

Take the positives of who you are and apply them to some worthy of it-if you were caring and loving and went out of your way, there will be someone that will appreciate that-those are awesome qualities-

 

For now, take care of you and STOP blaming you-its the situation and make an effort not to get involved in another relationship where the cards are stacked so high against you-

[Ronnie33]

I am so sorry you are hurting, I am going through almost the same pain. These affairs rip apart your self esteem and leave you feeling so broken you don't even know who you are anymore. I too am like you to where I know I have to block him and keep him out of my life but I'm so scared to even though I know we will never be together. We are both so scared of losing eachother but yet I feel I'm the only settling for scraps anymore. I cried all day, even as he text me making small talk I just knew in my heart it's over and I have to move on.

 

He will come back, trust me. It's been three years and even if he loves his wife he has some sort of connection with you and he won't just stop unless he's caught or you cut him out completely. It's an awful cycle but the only way out for us is to face the pain an move on.

 

Post here if you need support. I wish you luck.

[bathtub-row]

There just seems to be no pain like this. These aren't relationships that end because the two of you don't get along, or because you don't like each other. They usually end with love and friendship still in full swing and that's why it hurts so much. It's not like ending a lousy marriage where the love has died and you're staying just for the kids.

 

But, make no mistake that not being able to move forward with that love, not being able to openly share your life with that person, not having that person fully in your life is a very high form of irreconcilable differences. I know in your heart and mind, you can't make sense of a love and friendship that seems so right, not working out. But you need to keep reminding yourself that over the years he consistently chose to stay in his marriage and he knew that by doing that, he was risking losing you. He made a choice.

 

This is not a matter of you not being good enough. I know it feels that way but that's not it. You were so good that he broke his marriage vows for you. He risked a great deal to be with you, and he did that for a long time. Keep your head held high, don't let anyone think that you're not good enough. Especially yourself.

[CrystalCastles]

Why did he not try harder? It was because he was using you. He most likely didn't have any intention of leaving his wife. This is what waywards do- they eat cake, play with people's emotions and create drama because their life is boring without it.

 

Good on you for ending it. It will be painful for a while but you have freed yourself and given yourself the opportunity to find a single man who will love you fully, give himself to you completely and will be available to you and you only. That's much better than someone who isn't fully committed like a MM.

 

Don't worry, cry it out, stick with NC, keep posting on here and we'll support you.

[DKT3]

Here is the thing, you knowingly entered into a relationship with a MM. For two years you were ok with the status quo of that relationship but then you wanted more. You wanted to change the dynamic of the relationship. Since you entered into this relationship knowing he was married, is that fair for you to then expect him to amend the parameters of the relationship. Is it fair to expect him to give you more? I'm not saying you don't deserve more, what I'm saying is you don't deserve more from him. Its like buying shoes from a discount store the expecting them to be designer shoes when you were ready to wear them.

 

Now, he didn't take advantage of you because you know he is married and clearly you excepted that. Doing so your doing it on his terms. You used him as much as he used you. You are not a victim nor where you rejected. You dumped him because you expected more then you already knew he was available to give.

 

Moving on should be simple (minus the emotional stuff) because like a relationship with available people, the two of you want different things in life. No amount of love can over come people moving in different direction. Understanding that can make your healing better. You made the decision this wasn't for you. Remind yourself of that when you feel weak.

[Quiet Storm]

Most MM know they're giving OW a bad deal, but as long as she accepts it and keeps engaging with him, he thinks she's OK with it. This is why, unless there is a dday, OW is usually the one to end it. They will waste years of your life, your youth, your child bearing years, if you let them.

 

It's your job to protect yourself from those that will hurt you. You have to be your own parent in a way, and yank yourself back to the curb when you run out in the path of a speeding car (MM).

 

Your brain knows what to do, your heart just hasn't caught up yet. Love yourself, protect yourself and use your logical mind to guide you. Your emotions and your heart are hurting, they need care and protection. No contact keeps you from getting yourself in a place where you become a slave to your emotions. You will be OK, you just need time and space to heal.

[Selfish]

I know it sounds cliche but get busy. And keep yourself busy. I would also recommend therapy or a very close friend (who would encourage you to remain no contact)

[Mabelblue]

There just seems to be no pain like this. These aren't relationships that end because the two of you don't get along, or because you don't like each other. They usually end with love and friendship still in full swing and that's why it hurts so much.

 

This is SO true.

 

You will feel that you weren't good enough for a while, that's natural (I still battling that one in my heart) but it's obviously is NOT the case. You know you are a good person!! You (as as well as I) just made some bad choices.

 

Please go NC.. Don't just delete him, you have to BLOCK him. It's been only 2 weeks since it ended for me and it's been the only way to help me move forward.

 

Write a list of things you want to do in the next month, six months, year. Bands you'd like to see, films to watch, personal challenges. Give yourself exciting goals to achieve.

 

You've done the best thing by ending it. You deserve better.

[Decisiontomake]

For the last 3 hours all I have been doing is crying. Wondering why I wasn't good enough for him to want to try harder. Wondering how he could just let me go without a fight. Wondering why he couldn't see how much effort I put into this relationship, into making sure he was happy? I feel like I never mattered to him and dammit it hurts like hell.

 

Could have written this myself. My A was three years too and has just ended.

 

This thing with "changing dynamics" comes up a lot if the woman in an A leaves her marriage when the OM does not. There are a couple of things to this. Firstly, I did not leave my marriage for my OM - he was a factor but not the driver and I bet that's the same for a lot of women. Secondly, I didn't enter the affair thinking of a "happy ever after" but as my emotions and attachment grew, I couldn't help but want that. And I thought that he may start to want that too. I don't believe that feeling is calculated or unfair in terms of that somehow being used as a "fault" on our part like "well you knew the playing field when you entered it" type thing.

We are human. Emotions develop. It's not a plan as such. A lot of what has been said on this thread is helpful to me too. It WILL get better but yes for now it sucks!

[sandylee1]

You have a lot of love to give. ..but please give that love to a man who deserves it. That's a single, available good man.

 

Of course any normal person wants their BF to spend quality time with. The fact is you can't get them from a MM, because juggling two lives is difficult. If he spends more time with you, his wife will become suspicious and he doesn't want that.

 

It's tough when you have feelings for someone, but you need to hold your head up high and tell yourself from now on you will only be with a man you can call YOURS. It's a great feeling to not have to sneak around and be able to be in public without ducking and diving.

 

We can't control our past, but we can sure as hell control our actions for the future.

[jellybean89]

Here is the thing, you knowingly entered into a relationship with a MM. For two years you were ok with the status quo of that relationship but then you wanted more. You wanted to change the dynamic of the relationship. Since you entered into this relationship knowing he was married, is that fair for you to then expect him to amend the parameters of the relationship. Is it fair to expect him to give you more? I'm not saying you don't deserve more, what I'm saying is you don't deserve more from him. Its like buying shoes from a discount store the expecting them to be designer shoes when you were ready to wear them.

 

Now, he didn't take advantage of you because you know he is married and clearly you excepted that. Doing so your doing it on his terms. You used him as much as he used you. You are not a victim nor where you rejected. You dumped him because you expected more then you already knew he was available to give.

 

Moving on should be simple (minus the emotional stuff) because like a relationship with available people, the two of you want different things in life. No amount of love can over come people moving in different direction. Understanding that can make your healing better. You made the decision this wasn't for you. Remind yourself of that when you feel weak.

 

Re-read this post. DKT nailed it. You knew the limitations when you started the affair. From what you wrote, you are single, he is not. It was wrong to expect more than he can give. MM can only have part time mistresses, as they have full time wives.

 

I am sorry you are hurting. As for the friendship, you can't have that now, maybe never again. You have feelings that go beyond friendship.

 

Most MM know they're giving OW a bad deal, but as long as she accepts it and keeps engaging with him, he thinks she's OK with it. This is why, unless there is a dday, OW is usually the one to end it. They will waste years of your life, your youth, your child bearing years, if you let them.

 

It's your job to protect yourself from those that will hurt you. You have to be your own parent in a way, and yank yourself back to the curb when you run out in the path of a speeding car (MM).

 

Your brain knows what to do, your heart just hasn't caught up yet. Love yourself, protect yourself and use your logical mind to guide you. Your emotions and your heart are hurting, they need care and protection. No contact keeps you from getting yourself in a place where you become a slave to your emotions. You will be OK, you just need time and space to heal.

 

Excellent post.

[DKT3]

Could have written this myself. My A was three years too and has just ended.

 

This thing with "changing dynamics" comes up a lot if the woman in an A leaves her marriage when the OM does not. There are a couple of things to this. Firstly, I did not leave my marriage for my OM - he was a factor but not the driver and I bet that's the same for a lot of women. Secondly, I didn't enter the affair thinking of a "happy ever after" but as my emotions and attachment grew, I couldn't help but want that. And I thought that he may start to want that too. I don't believe that feeling is calculated or unfair in terms of that somehow being used as a "fault" on our part like "well you knew the playing field when you entered it" type thing.

We are human. Emotions develop. It's not a plan as such. A lot of what has been said on this thread is helpful to me too. It WILL get better but yes for now it sucks!

 

What your saying is why so many call affairs fantasy. Its a relationship that is build on what ifs, if only, and why can'ts. FANTASY.

 

Its the allure of affairs "it would be so great" nevermind that the actually relationship with the AP is sh8tty, its because of my husband or his wife. The fantasy of what if continues to drive you, the fantasy is what you've fallen in love with, what your in pain for. The fantasy is what's allowed you to overlook just how truly lacking this affair relationship is.

[m4p]

I'm so sorry that you're hurting. I've just ended my A 2 weeks ago and it's been a living hell for me. Crying at drop of the hat and at everything that reminds me of him. But trust me and as much as I am still hurting now, I am beginning to feel a bit more hopeful and I am very sure that we will be able to move on because we deserve so. much. more.

 

Sometimes I try to take myself out of the situation and think. It's not fair for us to impose expectations on our MMs. I went into the A knowing that he's married and cannot offer me anything. In the beginning I was nochalent (perhaps subconsciously in order to give him a peace of mind into being with me) and towards the end it just escalated into a full blown physical and very emotional affair. D day came. He cried and I cried. But he will never leave his wife and I will never be the one he will choose to be with no matter how infatuated he is with me right now.

 

This is what I have realized and I hope you know that happiness can be found. You did it before with past relationships (albeit different circumstances) and you can do it again with someone who is single, honest and loves you wholeheartedly.

 

Stay firm in your NC and it will be the best way you can help yourself. Hugs!

[snl]

I can imagine how you feel... I have been there. I wish you strength to go through this pain. Kindly stick to NC. you did the first right steps with the social media things. also follow it through with avoiding common places etc. The next 30-60 days will be tough but if you can stick to full NC the better days will await you. Remember you are worth more than sharing just someone when he feels like it/looks you up... Do lots of sports, meet friends, find a hobby. Lots of memory triggers will happen- thats ok, but move on.... you might meet new guys and say nobody compares to "him" - thats ok, but move on. do it for you, this is your journey. believe me that once you go through the tunnel of time there will be better days...it will appear very tough to believe this just now but kindly do... Wishing you all best.