Why is it that I want a boyfriend, but then I find it exhausting to even have one?

[Christina107]

So it sounds like you would like the benefits of a relationship without any of the responsibility? I've found there's actually a lot of that in the dating world.

 

That's not a relationship, that's an accessory! No different then some fancy ear-rings or a nice watch. Something that you can pull out when the appropriate occasion comes up, but easily goes back on the shelf without complaint when the moment passes.

 

While I know some couples actually work like that, they are few and far between. I'm guessing it's going to be hard to find someone to sign on to be the other half of a dynamic like that.

TOJAZ

 

Yeah, I guess I'm just looking for a guy to have dinner with once a week, then go out on the weekends with, then we both go our own separate ways. Maybe once in a while I'll spend the night at his place. And once in a while go on fun trips with him and his social circle.

[DukeNukem47]

I'm in my 30's, I've been in the dating world for a few years, at times I want a relationship, but then when I go on dates and think about what a drag it would be to actually be in a relationship, like having to take care of my significant other, working hard to make him happy, having to be interesting 24/7 to keep his interest and not play around, paying attention to him constantly and never straying..I find it annoying and would prefer to be single and have my own space. Its like I don't want to have someone breathing down my back 24/7, watching my every move, criticizing what I do and what I don't do, possibly calling me out for doing something wrong, makes me never want to be with someone. Am I wrong?

 

I don't see the purpose of having a girlfriend or wife if she won't take care of me. Might as well just have a friends with benefits in that case.

 

What are you offering the men if you are not willing to do these things?

[DukeNukem47]

Yeah, I guess I'm just looking for a guy to have dinner with once a week, then go out on the weekends with, then we both go our own separate ways. Maybe once in a while I'll spend the night at his place. And once in a while go on fun trips with him and his social circle.

 

Sounds like friends with benefits.

[NJ123]

Sounds like friends with benefits.

 

I was going to post the same exact thing. Since that's exactly what it sounds like.

[Els]

But wait.... Aren't women suppose to "take care" of men in a relationship? So, yes having a boyfriend/husband is all about taking care of them, like a child. Cooking, cleaning, ironing, rubbing feet after a long days work...

 

You cannot seriously believe that this is what is 'expected' in 2015. Where do you live?

 

In healthy Rs the taking care of goes both ways, and usually it is split according to the couple's preferences and what each person is good at. You can obviously choose a non-traditional R if that suits you best. Even in traditional Rs men take care of their women in return for being taken care of, just in different ways.

[tojaz]

Yeah, I guess I'm just looking for a guy to have dinner with once a week, then go out on the weekends with, then we both go our own separate ways. Maybe once in a while I'll spend the night at his place. And once in a while go on fun trips with him and his social circle.

 

I'm guessing that the kind of guy that would be content with being limited to "once in awhile" and "maybe" isn't going to be the type of guy you would want to spend your time with.

 

Like others said, that sounds like a FWB scenario at best. More likely a guy who is having his emotional needs met elsewhere... like another, more committed <(using term loosely here) relationship.

TOJAZ

[trippi1432]

Yeah, I guess I'm just looking for a guy to have dinner with once a week, then go out on the weekends with, then we both go our own separate ways. Maybe once in a while I'll spend the night at his place. And once in a while go on fun trips with him and his social circle.

 

So defeatist.....I have two friends in their 50's and 60's and think this way. Both have been single since I've known them (17 years). What you do have going on is emotional separation. It sounds like you are afraid to be emotionally close, not everyone is cut out to have an open heart. It's not the physical you fear...it's the emotional connectivity....is that correct?

[MissBee]

Christina, you're 30 you said right?

 

Have you not seen any real relationships around you? I mean, even on tv at least? Because I assure you that while there is sometimes an idea that women should play a man's mom, there are LOTS of models of how men take care of their woman too and it's a mutual caring for and not just a woman being a man's mom and servant.

 

In fact, while I'm not a mom as yet, when I am and if I have sons, I will be sure to raise them so they don't think that women are around to serve their every need. I will baby and mommy them when they are small children but as they grow I will give them more and more responsibility in terms of knowing how to prep a meal for themselves, doing their own laundry, cleaning their room, doing dishes, doing all the things they need to do and I will certainly NOT be waiting on them hand and foot. I also would never marry a man who expects this, therefore he can show his sons how he treats me and that he isn't sitting there waiting for me to do everything for him but we're partners. I will cook and clean because that's my house but it won't be FOR my husband. I love cooking for people I love so that's not a problem but I certainly won't allow it to be seen as my job or something I do FOR a man because I'm a woman.

 

Point is: see I can make my relationship how I want. So can you. So I'm not sure where you get these ideas that every relationship works in the way you describe. I've seen all different kinds of relationships, from my parents, to other relatives, friends, tv couples and I pull from what I like and respect and would want as a model and discard those that don't fit with me.