Can I my Bf see how childish he's being? Or should i just move on?

[CatGirlbowbow]

My boyfriend and i have been LIVING together for 5 years. When we first started dating he was a party boy and was 27 years old. He didn't have his act together career wise, financially, and enjoyed smoking weed and playing video games.

 

He really wanted to be with me and i made it extremely clear that I was absolutely, completely, NOT okay with drugs. I think that people who do that are immature and selfish (after all, when you do drugs there are repercussions either legally, financially, or safety for others). He agreed and decided that he didnt want to do drugs anymore or hang around the kind of people who do either and it was time to move past that chapter in his life.

 

BAM- it's been five years. His career has taken a complete 180 and he has become an expert in his field. He doesn't do drugs at all and barely drinks as it just makes him feel crappy. We own a home together at this point and aren't renting anymore.

 

He is doing SO well infact that he receives an offer with an international company to move to europe and work with them. He makes sure that they know it's a package deal and it's important that I am able to come as well. Both him and I sell our home, our cars, our furniture, everything we own, i quit my job, and we move.

 

We've been here for 6 months now and i've been unable to find a job (it's a SUPER tough market here and i'm not fluent in the native language. I am attending language classes and studying around 20hrs a week to learn the language so i can get a job) so instead i've been taking care of the cooking, cleaning, chores, shopping, etc.

 

 

Well now that he's in this new country and working with all of these people who are around his age (and single) he's taken to going out and partying, smoking weed, etc. and overall acting like a teenage boy and it sickens me. It's like he's a totally different person.

 

Last Friday we made plans to order chinese food and watch a movie on netflix but instead he wanted to go out to the bar with his work buddies. He insisted i come. I asked if we would be home around 7-8 otherwise i didnt want to go out since i had made plans to watch this movie with him. He promises me that we'll do that. I go out of my way to meet him at this bar and he's already drunk when i get there. He was spouting some bull**** one of his other 50 year old employees said like "i still feel like i'm a teenager" and "stay young at heart and you wont grow old!" i dont know, drunk ****.

 

Anyways, 9pm rolls around and his work buddies are leaving the bar to go buy weed and get high and ****. This makes me super uncomfortable and I ask if we can go home now since we had plans and that was the agreement. At this point he's drunk and he's like "No, **** that, i'm gonna go smoke". I'm fuming. His friends are all "Come on xxxx! Just let him come with us! Dont make him leave!" and so on. It was like being put on the spot and watching a ****ing teenager act all rebellious. Kind of how as a child your friend would ask to stay over and your parent would scold you for "putting them on the spot". I said "I won't tell you what you can and cant do. You're an adult. Im just dissapointed you are acting like this." I left for home alone as quickly as possible REALLY upset that he had chosen to do some stupid **** like this over be with me, BUT i didn't want to be pushy or controlling or act like i wasn't "allowing" him to do whatever he wanted. Queue the next morning, it's like nothing happened. I decided to let it go even though i was very dissapointed in him. I also did not sleep in our bed that night because he smelled like a smokey, druggey, alcoholey, nasty mess. I couldn't stand it. The only thing i brought up the next day was that i would appreciate it if he would shower if he goes out.

 

 

 

That brings me to today. He went out this friday night again with work buddies and invited me. I didn't even want to go because i was busy all day and wanted to relax. He tells me he'll be home at 7 or so and i ask if he wants me to make him dinner. No response. Two hours go by and no response so i assume he doesn't want anything.

 

He butt dials me at 10pm apparently. I call him right back and he apologizes he didn't realize he butt dialed me. I say it's no biggie, i hope he's having a good time, when does he think he'll be home. He says "Oh i'll be home by 12-1 definitely 1 at the latest since i have to go get my bike from the office".

 

2 AM rolls around, nothing..

 

3AM rolls around, nothing....

 

4 AM rolls around, i call him, no answer. I text him "Hey, please let me know that you're safe. You said you would be home a few hours ago i just want to make sure you're okay". No response.

 

5:30AM still no response. I call again, no answer.

 

6:15AM i text him "I am really worried, please please just tell me you're okay"

 

6:30AM i get a text with only "im okay"

 

I call him at this point and i'm pissed. I mean i've been unable to sleep im worried about you, it's snowing outside and you dont have a car, you're probably drunk, you aren't answering, i dont know what the **** to do and you just respond "im okay". I called him and i could tell he was REALLY ****ed up like either the most wasted i've ever heard someone or on drugs or SOMETHING. He isn't even making sense something about "20-30 minutes" and "but you can wait if you can coming home" i mean it's bad.

 

7AM he walks in, says nothing to me and just starts throwing his stuff all over the floor. Backpack, shoes, clothes, keys, etc. and lays down on the bed. I ask him to please take a shower. He says "**** off!" followed by "have you ever ridden a bike-cycle and ridden one for leaving to go somewhere". I'm like "what the hell are you trying to say? what are you saying?" and he's like "well what it is that im saying is what do you wanting to hear?".

 

 

So here i am bawling my eyes out. I haven't slept and i cant sleep in our bed because it's disgusting in there. I feel like he disrespected me but even worse i feel like he disrespected himself. He is acting like a child and like he is some 32 year old going on 14. I want the man i fell in love with back. The one who is responsible, has his **** together, tells me how much he appreciates me, and thanks me for helping him get his **** on track and always being responsible. I want the man who respects my feelings about drugs and doesn't take my concern for his safety for granted.

 

 

I have no idea how to approach this situation. I am in a foreign country, no job, nothing because everything was sold, nowhere to go, and i feel helpless. I also WANT to stay here because it's given me an opportunity to make new friends, learn another language, and i'll be going to school here soon.

 

the biggest thing im worried about is how do i approach this conversation? I want to rip him a new one but i dont think being angry and mean will change his behavior. I'm not sure if i just calmly tell him that what he's done is acceptable and i WILL leave him if it continues. Or if i stay in a hotel for a few days and let him see i'm very serious about how badly he hurt me. Or if i just say "**** it" and decide to move on with my life. He's 32 and i'm in my mid twenties and lifes too short to deal with someone treating you this way.

 

 

TLDR: How do i make my man realize he's not acting like his best self and instead like a dumb teenager trying to look "cool" infront of his friends.

Edited February 28, 2015 by CatGirlbowbow

[bathtub-row]

He already knows what he's doing so there's no reason to point it out to him. You made a huge mistake by letting yourself get trapped in a foreign country with a guy that you're not married to, and with no resources to return home.

 

If it were me, I'd tell him that you'd like for him to buy you a plane ticket to go back home, or use your credit card, if you have one, to buy a one-way ticket back. If neither of those options work, maybe you have family that can help you. You should at least have money from the sale of the house. If the two of you purchased it together, then half that money should be yours. If you have access to the bank account, then just withdraw the money yourself.

 

His behavior isn't going to change and he'll be cheating on you soon, if he hasn't already done so. His behavior is also going to start affecting his job and he may end up losing it. Whether you like being in that country or not is irrelevant. You have nowhere to live and can't support yourself. Usually you can't stay in a foreign country, anyway, unless you're backed by a company or are married.

 

I know you think your bf is a stable guy but he has proved to you that it doesn't take much for him to change his behavior drastically, and to turn on you. If you persist with him, he'll lose more and more respect for you, and he'll act worse and worse. He's taking advantage of you like this because he knows you're trapped. This is not a very good character trait.

[Arieswoman]

Catgirlbowbow,

I think you summed it all up here;

 

He's 32 and i'm in my mid twenties and lifes too short to deal with someone treating you this way.

 

I agree with bathtubrow.

 

You need to "paint the lifeboats" and go back home.

 

I'm sorry, but just be thankful you didn't marry this guy.

 

Good luck.

[elaine567]

It was probably on hindsight a tall order to expect a "party" boy to change his ways.

He changed I guess to please you, and then when given the opportunity he merely returned to type.

 

This is not a man having a hard time and acting out due to stress; it appears he is just being himself.

I doubt you can change him long term to be the man you want, so you have to leave him.

 

If you enjoy the new country, investigate ways ie grants, bursaries, p/t work etc. that may allow you to stay as a foreign student, but failing that you need to go home.

[d0nnivain]

You take your half of whatever & move back home. You tried. He failed. You move on.

 

Your only other option is to stay there & be miserable.

[Poppygoodwill]

I am a woman who followed a man to another country so I won't be so quick to tell you to just go back home. I know it's not that easy. And it's not that simple.

 

I think you have to raise the focus of the conversation away from the drinking and drugs, and onto your relationship. By that I mean that because it's a sensitive issue between you and has been since the beginning, focusing on it now won't be helpful.

 

More constructively, your focus might be your overall relationship and how it's going in the new place and making sure you take care of each other and be a *team*.

 

It's VERY difficult to be the trailing spouse who lands in a new place without anything of his or her own. There's a lot of pressure on you to make it work, keep yourself busy and keep your spirits up until it all falls into place. Naturally, you rely an enormous amount on your BF right now because you're in a vulnerable position, having given up everything to follow him there. He needs to appreciate and respect that.

 

It's also very difficult for the 'leading' spouse, who brought you to this new place and therefore has some responsibility to see you happy there. He's probably been putting an enormous amount of effort into the new job, into getting his feet under him, and getting to know everyone. He's responsible to make a success of it so that the sacrifice was worthwhile. And he must also think of you, still at loose ends, struggling a bit to find your way. It's a huge pressure on him.

 

All this is to say that I can say from experience that you're both in a difficult position, both vulnerable (you because of your sacrifice, him because he's responsible to make a success of it), both under a lot of pressure. If you don't think like a *team* and put the team first, then it will be much more difficult.

 

So - I suggest that if you are able to change the conversation away from his partying, and toward how you as a couple are handling this big upheaval and exciting challenge, then you could get farther toward a solution.

 

You might have to accept that his new position has a different social dynamic and that to fit in, he'll have to socialize more than he did, or in a different way.

 

He has to accept that staying out all night when he is in an LTR is the best way to find himself single.

 

Talk about your expectations for each other right now. TAlk about your goals in this first difficult period. How you're both feeling, how it's affecting your self -esteem etc.

 

He's acting like an a**, but try to remember that he is under as much, or more, pressure as you are. Help him see how his coping mechanisms are making things worse. He's been a great guy and a great BF you say, so he can't have changed that much in the last few months. sending hugs. I know it's hard.

 

Bottom line - you can always go home, licking your wounds. But first, give it your best shot.

[CatGirlbowbow]

I am a woman who followed a man to another country so I won't be so quick to tell you to just go back home. I know it's not that easy. And it's not that simple.

 

I think you have to raise the focus of the conversation away from the drinking and drugs, and onto your relationship. By that I mean that because it's a sensitive issue between you and has been since the beginning, focusing on it now won't be helpful.

 

More constructively, your focus might be your overall relationship and how it's going in the new place and making sure you take care of each other and be a *team*.

 

It's VERY difficult to be the trailing spouse who lands in a new place without anything of his or her own. There's a lot of pressure on you to make it work, keep yourself busy and keep your spirits up until it all falls into place. Naturally, you rely an enormous amount on your BF right now because you're in a vulnerable position, having given up everything to follow him there. He needs to appreciate and respect that.

 

It's also very difficult for the 'leading' spouse, who brought you to this new place and therefore has some responsibility to see you happy there. He's probably been putting an enormous amount of effort into the new job, into getting his feet under him, and getting to know everyone. He's responsible to make a success of it so that the sacrifice was worthwhile. And he must also think of you, still at loose ends, struggling a bit to find your way. It's a huge pressure on him.

 

All this is to say that I can say from experience that you're both in a difficult position, both vulnerable (you because of your sacrifice, him because he's responsible to make a success of it), both under a lot of pressure. If you don't think like a *team* and put the team first, then it will be much more difficult.

 

So - I suggest that if you are able to change the conversation away from his partying, and toward how you as a couple are handling this big upheaval and exciting challenge, then you could get farther toward a solution.

 

You might have to accept that his new position has a different social dynamic and that to fit in, he'll have to socialize more than he did, or in a different way.

 

He has to accept that staying out all night when he is in an LTR is the best way to find himself single.

 

Talk about your expectations for each other right now. TAlk about your goals in this first difficult period. How you're both feeling, how it's affecting your self -esteem etc.

 

He's acting like an a**, but try to remember that he is under as much, or more, pressure as you are. Help him see how his coping mechanisms are making things worse. He's been a great guy and a great BF you say, so he can't have changed that much in the last few months. sending hugs. I know it's hard.

 

Bottom line - you can always go home, licking your wounds. But first, give it your best shot.

 

thank you so much. I mean i don't feel like i should let this small period of time ruin a 5 year relationship. Maybe he does feel a lot of pressure to make things work here. He's going out with the bosses, attending the work social events and always wanting me to go, trying to get me to hang out with new people and get out and about. He's talked to pretty much everyone he works with to help me find a job.

 

Maybe you're right about him being under a lot of pressure.

 

I will try and approach it like you suggested. I am still unsure how to say it though without having some kind of recourse like im super judgey or something.

 

I mean this is a man that has worked hard for what he has, and i really respect him. It's just the new partying kind of stuff that im not cool with. And it's only with coworkers (whom i know and met and all really really like me). They are always super nice and respectful towards me as well, its just when they're drunk they get all roudy like YEAH LETS DO SOMETHING STUPID!

 

 

[Winterina]

Do you know for sure where and with whom has he spent his time when he came back home at 7 am?