Boss Has Crush on Employee

[SJ1975]

I am the boss and have a massive crush on an employee at work.

 

I am stuck and in the middle of a massive crush with our new admin girl in the office. She is just totally amazing, so pretty, smart, full of energy and just beautiful. She is exactly like how my partner now used to be.

 

I can not stop thinking about this girl from the moment I wake up to the moment I fall asleep. The way I feel about this girl is quite scary and I feel like an 18 year old again and it's absolutely driving me absolutely crazy.

 

I keep telling myself to grow up and try and forget these silly feelings and they will go away but they don't. Each time we work together on things my stomach does somersaults again. They just won't go away. Does she show any signs my way? I don't know, she will have an opinion of me (looks and personality) but she is not the flirty type and I am her boss! Maybe there are one or two signs, but I'm not 100% sure. We haven't spent any time out of the office yet but we are going out for the day in two weeks so will have some time there.

 

I am crazy about this girl but I am her boss. I know I shouldn't even be thinking or writing this but I don't know what to do. I want to speak with her but don't know how I should or how to go about things.

 

Have you been a manager/boss before with a crush and if so what happened?

 

I am not sure if the feelings I have for this girl are lust, love or something else. I can't figure it out. I can't just approach her, and I am thinking of sending some flowers to her to start the ball rolling.

 

I am not entirely happy with my partner now and I have always remained faithful but I don't know how long this will last for. She is constantly ill and depressed, and has been for the past 8 years and it's driving me away. We have been to see numerous specialists, doctors and other consultants. She has had several tests and they all come back negative but she is still ill. (this is another story!)

 

Help before the men in white jackets take me away!!!

[GemmaUK]

Take responsibility for your current relationship and leave if you are unhappy.

 

 

If your employee has any self respect then she wouldn't go near you with a barge pole and your professional relationship is just that - a professional relationship.

 

 

Sort out your life before you try to get a third party involved and mess their life up as well.

[elaine567]

If it is not working out with your partner break it off for both your sakes.

I am sure after 8 years with a depressed partner you most likely resent her, and that will not be doing her mental health any favours either.

Do not cheat on her with this younger model from work.

Once you are a single man you can see whoever you like.

 

But a word of caution how old are you and how old is this work girl?

If there is a big age gap, she may not see you as dating material.

 

However life is short, you need to seek happiness somewhere, so split from your partner and see where life takes you, as you are obviously no longer properly invested in your partner.

[Trimmer]

I am not entirely happy with my partner now and I have always remained faithful but I don't know how long this will last for...

OH! Way to bury the lede, man!

 

She is constantly ill and depressed, and has been for the past 8 years and it's driving me away. We have been to see numerous specialists, doctors and other consultants. She has had several tests and they all come back negative but she is still ill. (this is another story!)

I think you may not realize just how much this is THE story.

 

Through most of your post, I was thinking, OK, crushes are common, but you're the boss, so it's an obvious no-go. Just keep it to yourself and get through it. But once I saw this, it went icky really quickly.

 

You need to deal with your existing relationship.

 

I can't just approach her, and I am thinking of sending some flowers to her to start the ball rolling.

Yes indeed, that should start the ball rolling - but there's a good chance that it will be the Human Resources ball that will get rolling.

 

I don't want to give you any advice that may be even remotely considered a sign of encouragement, but how about a warning: sending flowers to a coworker/subordinate, when you don't even have an inkling how they would be received has a significant probability of being perceived as a creepy overreach.

[SJ1975]

If it is not working out with your partner break it off for both your sakes.

I am sure after 8 years with a depressed partner you most likely resent her, and that will not be doing her mental health any favours either.

Do not cheat on her with this younger model from work.

Once you are a single man you can see whoever you like.

 

But a word of caution how old are you and how old is this work girl?

If there is a big age gap, she may not see you as dating material.

 

However life is short, you need to seek happiness somewhere, so split from your partner and see where life takes you, as you are obviously no longer properly invested in your partner.

 

I am 39 and she is 32 so there is no real big age gap.

 

I have been unhappy for some time now but always brushed it under the carpet until this girl started. She used to work for a client of ours (as a temp) and when I first saw her I was attracted to her and when I found at she left I rang around a couple of recruitment agencies to check her availability. I wish she never started now

[elaine567]

I am 39 and she is 32 so there is no real big age gap.

 

I have been unhappy for some time now but always brushed it under the carpet until this girl started. She used to work for a client of ours (as a temp) and when I first saw her I was attracted to her and when I found at she left I rang around a couple of recruitment agencies to check her availability. I wish she never started now

 

OK, so what is stopping you from finishing with your partner?

You say you are unhappy with her.

Are you willing to stay for another 10 years of unhappiness?

[SJ1975]

OH! Way to bury the lede, man!

 

 

I think you may not realize just how much this is THE story.

 

Through most of your post, I was thinking, OK, crushes are common, but you're the boss, so it's an obvious no-go. Just keep it to yourself and get through it. But once I saw this, it went icky really quickly.

 

You need to deal with your existing relationship.

 

 

Yes indeed, that should start the ball rolling - but there's a good chance that it will be the Human Resources ball that will get rolling.

 

I don't want to give you any advice that may be even remotely considered a sign of encouragement, but how about a warning: sending flowers to a coworker/subordinate, when you don't even have an inkling how they would be received has a significant probability of being perceived as a creepy overreach.

 

Thanks for the reply, and feedback.

 

I have looked up on several internet sites is sending flowers creepy or not, some say yes and some say no. So who knows, I guess it's down to the girl at the end of the day and that's something which none of us know.

 

Ok, so if you think sending some flowers is creepy do you think I should drop some hints or talk to this girl? We have some client meetings off site in a couple of weeks time so could approach things then. I am not setting out for some seedy affair.

 

Yes, I know that I need to address my current relationship too. When-ever we (myself and current partner) go through another round of tests and hospital visits its depressing for both of us. Each year I hope for something different and for these invisible illnesses to clear up but they dont!

 

BTW: we are too small to have a HR department

[SJ1975]

OK, so what is stopping you from finishing with your partner?

You say you are unhappy with her.

Are you willing to stay for another 10 years of unhappiness?

Hope that she will get better and the invisible illnesses will all clear up and go away. We have also been trying for a baby for 3/4 years but she has fertility issues.

 

Another 10 years of this? Hell no!

 

The feelings I have for my co-worker were exactly the same as I had for my partner now when I met her 12 years ago, but probably a little stronger.

 

It's doing my head in!

[elaine567]

Hope that she will get better and the invisible illnesses will all clear up and go away. We have also been trying for a baby for 3/4 years but she has fertility issues.

 

Another 10 years of this? Hell no!

 

The feelings I have for my co-worker were exactly the same as I had for my partner now when I met her 12 years ago, but probably a little stronger.

 

It's doing my head in!

 

I get that but what is with the flowers and the ball-rolling if you still have a partner?

Tell our partner you do not want to have a baby with her and leave her before you start the ball rolling with anyone else.

Cheating will destroy her, she doesn't deserve that.

Let her have the chance to find happiness elsewhere, not end up bitter and twisted and being unable to trust anyone when your affair gets found out.

Check out the infidelity section and the OM/OW section on here and realise the harm cheating does. It ruins people, all get hurt in affairs, including this women you think you love, she will also get very hurt too.

Leave her alone until you can actually offer her something.

[SJ1975]

I get that but what is with the flowers and the ball-rolling if you still have a partner?

Tell our partner you do not want to have a baby with her and leave her before you start the ball rolling with anyone else.

Cheating will destroy her, she doesn't deserve that.

Let her have the chance to find happiness elsewhere, not end up bitter and twisted and being unable to trust anyone when your affair gets found out.

Check out the infidelity section and the OM/OW section on here and realise the harm cheating does. It ruins people, all get hurt in affairs, including this women you think you love, she will also get very hurt too.

Leave her alone until you can actually offer her something.

I agree with everything you are saying but my heart is ruling things.

 

I was thinking the flowers would start things (our affair I guess) but it was also to let her know that someone admires her and to get her brain thinking. I was only going to sign it with an initial, not full name.

 

My partner wants to get married this year and look into adoption, something which would make me extremely unhappy thinking about things and something which I seriously don't want to do (I mean both marriage and adoption).

 

Thank you for taking time to reply, it's very helpful. I have not mentioned this to anyone, not even my best friends. So I really appreciate all of your help and input.

[elaine567]

My partner wants to get married this year and look into adoption, something which would make me extremely unhappy thinking about things and something which I seriously don't want to do (I mean both marriage and adoption).

 

Tell her that, don't string her along any longer, it is not fair to her. She will be upset, yes but not as upset she will be when you keep postponing things and fobbing her off re getting married and adopting.

It is no fun being with a man who you know doesn't really want you.

If you know she isn't for you, then just tell her.

Adoption agencies are good at spotting couples who are not both on board with adoption. Let her go find a man who does want to marry her and who will be wholeheartedly behind adoption.

 

Also this girl in your office may not want to be an OW, she may be repulsed by you even suggesting it.

Much better to lay out your cards as a single man.

[bathtub-row]

DO NOT have an affair with this girl. If you do, she'll never fully trust you because you cheated on your partner. And do not send her flowers. First and foremost, you need to end things with your partner immediately. Do not wait and do not have sex with her again. If she gets pregnant, you'll have a disaster on your hands. After you do all that, then yeah, have a party -- send flowers to this other girl, date, whatever.

 

I have no idea why men think this way; why you would think having an affair is a great idea. Just because you don't have the courage to end your current relationship first. The only thing an affair will do is increase your guilt toward your partner, you'll start treating the other girl like crap, and then you've ruined everything.

 

And I'm speaking from experience. The owner of the company I work for sought me out after I left a place that I worked, which is where we met. I worked for him for two years and then we had an affair. It was then that he told me about his reaction toward me when we first met. That instant connection we had was very real and we had a wonderful relationship that would've been remarkable. But he never left his marriage and, for me, having an affair with him was the biggest mistake I ever made.

 

You and this other girl could potentially have something wonderful but you will screw it up completely if you start the relationship out as an affair.

Edited February 28, 2015 by bathtub-row

[Begin again]

Don't do it! Seriously, man...

 

I have had MANY experiences being the boss and daring employees; however, I am a woman. You can read my threads to see how horribly most of them turn out... The one where I really talk about it was under a different user name, but if you scroll through my last post, it has a link in there.

 

Anyway, I've been all parts of your post... The boss, the OW, the employee, and the betrayed "spouse". Trust me on this... It will not work out well for anyone!

 

I know that you won't believe me and you've got to go and learn by ruining your own life, I know that I did, but I guaren-freaking-tee you, you will regret it.

 

Yes, you are a jerk for cheating on your wife, yes, your relationship will never work long term with your employee (this is coming from someone who is actually still in a relationship with one of her ex employees), but focusing on that part I know will not be motivation enough to stop.

 

Chances are good that A) you will get fired (if that's even remotely possible in your position), B) you will get sued.

 

Take your chances man, as I know that you will, but I promise you this is the worst mistake you will ever make!

[SJ1975]

DO NOT have an affair with this girl. If you do, she'll never fully trust you because you cheated on your partner. And do not send her flowers. First and foremost, you need to end things with your partner immediately. Do not wait and do not have sex with her again. If she gets pregnant, you'll have a disaster on your hands. After you do all that, then yeah, have a party -- send flowers to this other girl, date, whatever.

 

I have no idea why men think this way; why you would think having an affair is a great idea. Just because you don't have the courage to end your current relationship first. The only thing an affair will do is increase your guilt toward your partner, you'll start treating the other girl like crap, and then you've ruined everything.

 

And I'm speaking from experience. The owner of the company I work for sought me out after I left a place that I worked, which is where we met. I worked for him for two years and then we had an affair. It was then that he told me about his reaction toward me when we first met. That instant connection we had was very real and we had a wonderful relationship that would've been remarkable. But he never left his marriage and, for me, having an affair with him was the biggest mistake I ever made.

 

You and this other girl could potentially have something wonderful but you will screw it up completely if you start the relationship out as an affair.

It's really interesting to here from someone who has been in this spot (although the other side of things) and experienced this kind of situation.

 

I have always remained faithful and having an affair with anyone was not even a thought 6 months ago as I wanted to make things work but things got really depressing over Christmas, to a point where she wanted to end her life! Part of the problems are infertility and if she were to get pregnant then I think it would solve a-lot of issues. We both want a family and this getting us both down, and making my partner extremely depressed. I don't want to adopt someone else's kid though.

 

What would this girl think if she knew? I have no idea, she may be repulsed I don't know.

 

I have some difficult decisions to make. My head is a total mess and I don't know what to do. The advice above is right but my heart is telling me do something different. Love/lust or what-ever this is is painful.

[d0nnivain]

You need to break up with your current partner then sign yourself up for a sexual harassment training course.

 

While you are her boss you cannot date this admin girl. You clearly need the course. First if you call a 32 year subordinate a "girl" in the work place you have already demeaned her because of her gender. If you ask her out, she or others will perceive that she does not have the ability to say no & you are thereby abusing your power as her manager to manipulate her into doing sexual favors for you. Even if you she says yes, the minute things go wrong in the romance she will run screaming with a made up version of the relationship which demonizes you as a predator in the work place.

 

If you really lust after her all that much, start your new job search. On your 1st day of work at the new company, you can ask her out. Not before.

[wb1988]

Is the new girl even into you?

 

If your current partner sucks then why are you still with her? Why be in a relationship that neither one of you enjoy?

 

Always go for the younger model. I know women will be against this because it's the older ones that are the 'victims' but it's true, younger is always better. To us guys women are like cars (newer is always better) and to women guys are like houses (we hate leaving, older is better).

 

If you split then make it known at your workplace. If the new girl is into you, or sees you as an option knowing that you're now single, then she'll hopefully make it known. If not then at least you're moving on and on the market.

Edited February 28, 2015 by wb1988

[bathtub-row]

It's really interesting to here from someone who has been in this spot (although the other side of things) and experienced this kind of situation.

 

I have always remained faithful and having an affair with anyone was not even a thought 6 months ago as I wanted to make things work but things got really depressing over Christmas, to a point where she wanted to end her life! Part of the problems are infertility and if she were to get pregnant then I think it would solve a-lot of issues. We both want a family and this getting us both down, and making my partner extremely depressed. I don't want to adopt someone else's kid though.

 

What would this girl think if she knew? I have no idea, she may be repulsed I don't know.

 

I have some difficult decisions to make. My head is a total mess and I don't know what to do. The advice above is right but my heart is telling me do something different. Love/lust or what-ever this is is painful.

 

If she knew what? That you had plans and then decided you wanted out? So what? She will see that you had the decency to walk away when you knew it wasn't right.

 

Look, you need to separate this other person from your current relationship. No matter what happens with the new person, you need to get out of a relationship that makes you so miserable. Right? Again, I have no idea why this concept is so difficult for men. My ex is still in his ridiculous marriage and about as miserable as he can be. Yet he stays. It boggles the mind.

 

And, btw, you really are playing with fire by dating someone who works under you. I'm a manager and I wouldn't dream of doing that. My boss got away with it because we kept things quiet and because he has no boss that can fire him - so, different story there. Still, he was playing with fire. Now that we're broken up, it's a very uncomfortable situation for me. I'm working on a new career and, when the time is right, I'm gone. Also, people definitely suspected that something was going on between us so, no matter how secretive you are, people just know. Either you or the new person will need to find another job if your relationship continues. If it falls apart, that's a whole other issue.

[SJ1975]

You need to break up with your current partner then sign yourself up for a sexual harassment training course.

 

While you are her boss you cannot date this admin girl. You clearly need the course. First if you call a 32 year subordinate a "girl" in the work place you have already demeaned her because of her gender. If you ask her out, she or others will perceive that she does not have the ability to say no & you are thereby abusing your power as her manager to manipulate her into doing sexual favors for you. Even if you she says yes, the minute things go wrong in the romance she will run screaming with a made up version of the relationship which demonizes you as a predator in the work place.

 

If you really lust after her all that much, start your new job search. On your 1st day of work at the new company, you can ask her out. Not before.

I am not some kind of stalker and definitely not going to be sued for sexual harassment, I would not let anything like that happen.

 

I own the company so getting a new job is not going to happen. We are only a small company with no corners to hide and/or make stories up. The others in the office would not say anything or be interested in anyway. There is no bitcheyness and she is the only 'girl' in the office...

 

I am not demeaning her by when I phrase her as 'girl' this is her gender and why can not a boss date an administrative assistant?

[bathtub-row]

Is the new girl even into you?

 

If your current partner sucks then why are you still with her? Why be in a relationship that neither one of you enjoy?

 

Always go for the younger model. I know women will be against this because it's the older ones that are the 'victims' but it's true, younger is always better. To us guys women are like cars (newer is always better) and to women guys are like houses (we hate leaving, older is better).

 

If you split then make it known at your workplace. If the new girl is into you, or sees you as an option knowing that you're now single, then she'll hopefully make it known. If not then at least you're moving on and on the market.

 

It's interesting that the stronger feelings for a person isn't a part of the equation in your discussion. It's only about age. This is exactly the kind of thing that makes men such jerks in women's eyes.

[SJ1975]

Is the new girl even into you?

 

I am not sure, but there have been one or two signs. I have never really been any good at the signals anyway.

[SJ1975]

If she knew what?

That I had the hots for her

[bathtub-row]

I am not some kind of stalker and definitely not going to be sued for sexual harassment, I would not let anything like that happen.

 

I own the company so getting a new job is not going to happen. We are only a small company with no corners to hide and/or make stories up. The others in the office would not say anything or be interested in anyway. There is no bitcheyness and she is the only 'girl' in the office...

 

I am not demeaning her by when I phrase her as 'girl' this is her gender and why can not a boss date an administrative assistant?

 

If you're the owner of the company, then that's a different situation. The same as mine, though. Just end your other relationship first.

[SJ1975]

I think I am wiser about the whole situation now but probably more confused though

[elaine567]

Is she single?

[SJ1975]

Is she single?

Yes she is