bathtub-row Posted February 28, 2015 Share Posted February 28, 2015 That I had the hots for her If you were happy in your current relationship, you probably wouldn't be thinking about her the way you are. You're unhappy and unfulfilled and someone comes along that makes you feel that you could have a more connected relationship. It's not a crime. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
bathtub-row Posted February 28, 2015 Share Posted February 28, 2015 I think I am wiser about the whole situation now but probably more confused though Ok, let's review your choices and possible outcomes: A. Stay in your current relationship, go through with your plans to marry and adopt and then fast forward ten years from now when you'd rather stick needles in your eyes than live the life you're living. But now you're really stuck because kids are involved. B. Stay in your current relationship and have an affair with the new girl. Fast forward a year or so where the new girl wants you to make a decision but you feel so guilty about the affair, you can't. New girl gets pissed and ends it with you. Now you're stuck with an admin who either hates you or who's heart you've broken -- or both. And your partner has a cheater for a partner. If she finds out about the affair, then you have a whole other nightmare to deal with. C. Leave your current relationship. Start dating new girl. Fast forward a year or so -- either the two of you are still going strong and are as happy as pigs in garbage, or it didn't work out, but you're still free of your other relationship. Hmmmm....really tough. Link to post Share on other sites
d0nnivain Posted February 28, 2015 Share Posted February 28, 2015 I am not some kind of stalker and definitely not going to be sued for sexual harassment, I would not let anything like that happen. I own the company so getting a new job is not going to happen. We are only a small company with no corners to hide and/or make stories up. The others in the office would not say anything or be interested in anyway. There is no bitcheyness and she is the only 'girl' in the office... I am not demeaning her by when I phrase her as 'girl' this is her gender and why can not a boss date an administrative assistant? Owning the company makes your decision to date her even worse. Seriously do three things before you ask her out: 1. break up with your current GF 2. take a sexual harassment class. Just because you don't see what you are doing as "harassment" doesn't meant it won't feel that way from her perspective. It's about power & you hold all the cards. When you nicely say, "would you like to have dinner with me?" she is going to hear, "if you don't have sex with me, you will be fired." 3. talk to your company's lawyer about whether this is a good idea. If you don't do the above, when you & this "girl" break up she will OWN your company. Saying that the other employees won't be interested tells me you are not a good student of human nature. I have worked in small companies where the owner dates a low level staffer. Nobody ever says anything but everybody resents the relationship. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author SJ1975 Posted February 28, 2015 Author Share Posted February 28, 2015 Ok, let's review your choices and possible outcomes: A. Stay in your current relationship, go through with your plans to marry and adopt and then fast forward ten years from now when you'd rather stick needles in your eyes than live the life you're living. But now you're really stuck because kids are involved. B. Stay in your current relationship and have an affair with the new girl. Fast forward a year or so where the new girl wants you to make a decision but you feel so guilty about the affair, you can't. New girl gets pissed and ends it with you. Now you're stuck with an admin who either hates you or who's heart you've broken -- or both. And your partner has a cheater for a partner. If she finds out about the affair, then you have a whole other nightmare to deal with. C. Leave your current relationship. Start dating new girl. Fast forward a year or so -- either the two of you are still going strong and are as happy as pigs in garbage, or it didn't work out, but you're still free of your other relationship. Hmmmm....really tough. I have made my mind up, I'm going for option B with extreme caution. If something was to happen and if it did go somewhere I would leave my partner. If it didn't work out and she was still to work it would be tricky and it would need approaching then. How should I approach things with this girl? I was thinking of flowers but no-one seems to think that is a good idea so I can't do that. I was thinking of just having a chat and coming out with it. Saying something along the lines of "not happy in current relationship and I have started to get feelings for someone else, but trying not to" See how she re-acts then telling her she is the person. I don't want to make it creepy at all or make her feel uncomfortable, quite the opposite. But this is something which I need to do. I feel that I have to make a decision soon. I am reaching 40 now and want a family of my own and feel that I am wasting my time currently. I didn't think not having a family would affect me but it does. It gets me down, who knows my crush might want another child. Hitting 40 is big for me, and I feel that life is rushing away and I am missing out on things. Link to post Share on other sites
bathtub-row Posted February 28, 2015 Share Posted February 28, 2015 Owning the company makes your decision to date her even worse. Seriously do three things before you ask her out: 1. break up with your current GF 2. take a sexual harassment class. Just because you don't see what you are doing as "harassment" doesn't meant it won't feel that way from her perspective. It's about power & you hold all the cards. When you nicely say, "would you like to have dinner with me?" she is going to hear, "if you don't have sex with me, you will be fired." 3. talk to your company's lawyer about whether this is a good idea. If you don't do the above, when you & this "girl" break up she will OWN your company. Saying that the other employees won't be interested tells me you are not a good student of human nature. I have worked in small companies where the owner dates a low level staffer. Nobody ever says anything but everybody resents the relationship. Its not really that simple. If she willingly dates him and they have a consensual relationship, then she'd have to prove that she gave warning, etc that what he did was sexual harassment. It's really unlikely that she would ever own the company, unless his behavior was really out of line. Is it possible that things won't work out between them? Of course. But sometimes, we need to take risks in life. The fear of everything has the effect of us not ever making a move. It's pretty ridiculous. Link to post Share on other sites
Author SJ1975 Posted February 28, 2015 Author Share Posted February 28, 2015 Saying that the other employees won't be interested tells me you are not a good student of human nature. I know my staff very well, it has nothing to do human nature Link to post Share on other sites
bathtub-row Posted February 28, 2015 Share Posted February 28, 2015 I have made my mind up, I'm going for option B with extreme caution. If something was to happen and if it did go somewhere I would leave my partner. If it didn't work out and she was still to work it would be tricky and it would need approaching then. How should I approach things with this girl? I was thinking of flowers but no-one seems to think that is a good idea so I can't do that. I was thinking of just having a chat and coming out with it. Saying something along the lines of "not happy in current relationship and I have started to get feelings for someone else, but trying not to" See how she re-acts then telling her she is the person. I don't want to make it creepy at all or make her feel uncomfortable, quite the opposite. But this is something which I need to do. I feel that I have to make a decision soon. I am reaching 40 now and want a family of my own and feel that I am wasting my time currently. I didn't think not having a family would affect me but it does. It gets me down, who knows my crush might want another child. Hitting 40 is big for me, and I feel that life is rushing away and I am missing out on things. I can't give you any other advice except to say that you're nuts to take this path. I wish you the best, though. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author SJ1975 Posted February 28, 2015 Author Share Posted February 28, 2015 Its not really that simple. If she willingly dates him and they have a consensual relationship, then she'd have to prove that she gave warning, etc that what he did was sexual harassment. It's really unlikely that she would ever own the company, unless his behavior was really out of line. Is it possible that things won't work out between them? Of course. But sometimes, we need to take risks in life. The fear of everything has the effect of us not ever making a move. It's pretty ridiculous. I am not going to ask her out as such, only let her know about things. If she wants to take things further then that is up to her, not me. She will not be forced to do anything and I will not be asking her out every five minutes. This is for her to decide. If playing things like this is harassment then I'm never speaking to a female employee again! Life is too short to have regrets. Link to post Share on other sites
Author SJ1975 Posted February 28, 2015 Author Share Posted February 28, 2015 I can't give you any other advice except to say that you're nuts to take this path. I wish you the best, though. Cheers, what is with the nick-name btw? Link to post Share on other sites
d0nnivain Posted February 28, 2015 Share Posted February 28, 2015 Its not really that simple. If she willingly dates him and they have a consensual relationship, then she'd have to prove that she gave warning, etc that what he did was sexual harassment. It's really unlikely that she would ever own the company, unless his behavior was really out of line. Is it possible that things won't work out between them? Of course. But sometimes, we need to take risks in life. The fear of everything has the effect of us not ever making a move. It's pretty ridiculous. It really is that simple. Because she's his employee, even if she says "yes" she will later be able to argue that she only did so because she thought she couldn't say no. If she later wins a lawsuit & gets a $1M verdict, I don't know many small companies who can take that kind of financial hit & stay afloat. OP, especially since you decided to pick "Option B" where you have an affair behind your current partner's back, that leads me to Q your decision making skills. You are making 2 bad choices: Cheating & exposing yourself to liability. That further makes me doubt your assertion that you "know" your employees & they won't care that you're dipping your pen in company ink. Link to post Share on other sites
elaine567 Posted February 28, 2015 Share Posted February 28, 2015 What happens if she feels harassed and she decides to tell everyone at work including your partner? What happens if you start a relationship, she becomes very demanding, has you over a barrel because of the boss/worker situation, threatens to sue and tells your now pregnant gf... She is NOT just a younger version of your partner, she is a woman in her own right and she may have her own agenda here. YOU are being led by your dick and not thinking like the boss of a company here. Wake up. 4 Link to post Share on other sites
bathtub-row Posted February 28, 2015 Share Posted February 28, 2015 Cheers, what is with the nick-name btw? I'm a huge fan of the physicist, Robert Oppenheimer. While he was running the Manhatten Project in Los Alamos, the street he lived on was named Bathtub Row (it still exists). Accommodations in the make-shift city were sparse but the more prominent scientsts had more luxuries. Apparently, having your own bathtub was a big deal. I'm sure the street name was tongue-in-cheek. I found it very funny. Link to post Share on other sites
wb1988 Posted February 28, 2015 Share Posted February 28, 2015 It's interesting that the stronger feelings for a person isn't a part of the equation in your discussion. It's only about age. This is exactly the kind of thing that makes men such jerks in women's eyes. So women always say they want an attractive rich men, but why is it bad for guys to have desires as well? OP don't worry about your age. My dad was 52 when he had me! Link to post Share on other sites
d0nnivain Posted February 28, 2015 Share Posted February 28, 2015 So women always say they want an attractive rich men, but why is it bad for guys to have desires as well? OP don't worry about your age. My dad was 52 when he had me! It's not bad for guys to have desires. It is bad to cheat on your SO with an employee of the company you own. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
bathtub-row Posted February 28, 2015 Share Posted February 28, 2015 So women always say they want an attractive rich men, but why is it bad for guys to have desires as well? OP don't worry about your age. My dad was 52 when he had me! You completely missed my point. Not a surprise. Link to post Share on other sites
Author SJ1975 Posted February 28, 2015 Author Share Posted February 28, 2015 What happens if she feels harassed and she decides to tell everyone at work including your partner? What happens if you start a relationship, she becomes very demanding, has you over a barrel because of the boss/worker situation, threatens to sue and tells your now pregnant gf... She is NOT just a younger version of your partner, she is a woman in her own right and she may have her own agenda here. YOU are being led by your dick and not thinking like the boss of a company here. Wake up. Good points 1 Link to post Share on other sites
BlackOpsZombieGirl Posted February 28, 2015 Share Posted February 28, 2015 Elaine and Gemma have taken those words right out of my mouth! You're planning on sending this new employee FLOWERS to "get the ball rolling"??? And you will be spending time with her during the day outside of the office; just the two of you? In the state of mind you're currently in, I don't think that's such a good idea...do you want to know why? Because of the inappropriate sexual attraction you're feeling towards this new administrative assistant, you're going to RISK *losing* a good employee as well as risk the PROFESSIONAL interaction you both now share. If you're so unhappy with your "ill and constantly depressed" wife - why don't you DIVORCE her and LEAVE her? You're probably going to tell me that you "don't want to change your situation", or that "you love her very much and don't want to leave her", or that you don't want to "risk losing everything financially that you've worked so hard to build", or "it's not about leaving my wife because I'm unhappy, it's not that 'black & white'..." or etc. etc. etc. ... THIS is precisely why I LOATHE cheaters. Because THIS is how the cheating begins - in THEIR MIND. Instead of LEAVING the partner they're "so unhappy with", they REMAIN in the marriage/relationship and actively SEEK OUT a sexual interaction with someone else. There are many reasons cheaters do this; but the main reasons are because they're "comfortable" in and with their current situation; because in their own twisted way they feel that they really "do" love their partner and don't see why they should leave them; because they "care" about their partner and are only unhappy with the sexual aspect of their marriage/relationship. In short - cheaters (and people contemplating/planning infidelity) want their cake and eat it too. They want it BOTH ways...because they're incredibly SELFISH and APATHETIC towards their current spouse/partner. I wish this new employee was AWARE of the trouble (and the icky crush) that is bubbling underneath the surface within her workplace because of her BOSS. I feel very sorry for your wife. If she only knew... . Link to post Share on other sites
BlackOpsZombieGirl Posted February 28, 2015 Share Posted February 28, 2015 I am not some kind of stalker and definitely not going to be sued for sexual harassment.... ...and why can not a boss date an administrative assistant? Why? Because you're MARRIED. And also because you're the BOSS and workplace hookups are INAPPROPRIATE and a recipe for DISASTER. ...THAT'S why! . 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Hope Shimmers Posted February 28, 2015 Share Posted February 28, 2015 I have made my mind up, I'm going for option B with extreme caution. If something was to happen and if it did go somewhere I would leave my partner. If it didn't work out and she was still to work it would be tricky and it would need approaching then. How should I approach things with this girl? I was thinking of flowers but no-one seems to think that is a good idea so I can't do that. I was thinking of just having a chat and coming out with it. Saying something along the lines of "not happy in current relationship and I have started to get feelings for someone else, but trying not to" See how she re-acts then telling her she is the person. I don't want to make it creepy at all or make her feel uncomfortable, quite the opposite. But this is something which I need to do. I feel that I have to make a decision soon. I am reaching 40 now and want a family of my own and feel that I am wasting my time currently. I didn't think not having a family would affect me but it does. It gets me down, who knows my crush might want another child. Hitting 40 is big for me, and I feel that life is rushing away and I am missing out on things. So what you are saying is that you are going for option B because if things go well with the "girl", then you can leave your current partner without having to risk breaking up with her first and ending up alone. But if things don't go well with the "girl", then you will still have current partner there as a cushion and as Plan B and you won't be alone. Plus you get to avoid the difficult (but more mature and responsible) task of breaking off from a relationship you are not happy in. Never mind that you don't care one iota that your current partner has no say in the matter since you are making decisions for HER life by doing this, and clearly you don't give a damn about her or respect her at all or you would let her find someone who deserves her. Interesting insight on how cheating men think with their little head and with only narcissistic intents, even ones who are supposedly intelligent. Oh, and this new fling of yours is not a "girl". She is in her 30's. She is a "woman". I don't know how people like you successfully run businesses with zero knowledge whatsoever about sexual harassment/discrimination in the workplace. As DOnnivain said, you are setting yourself up to get screwed, both literally and from a legal perspective. And all because you let your dick rule your decision-making. Terrible business strategy and horrible way to hurt a lot of people in the process. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Author SJ1975 Posted February 28, 2015 Author Share Posted February 28, 2015 This is a very bad idea and having read the comments I am going to deal with this and park these feelings away, and just make sure they don't come back. It is unfair on everyone, my gf, the girl, business partner and staff. I will deal with this and will not go ahead with anything. Thank you for your comments 5 Link to post Share on other sites
CrystalShine2011 Posted March 3, 2015 Share Posted March 3, 2015 So, I'm more positive in my approach to replying to posts. You should without a doubt make a clean break with current girlfriend. Then, when the time is right, and with more time gone by...really evaluate if this girl is interested. The wrong assumption and things could get very awkward!! Take some time after your breakup to mend, and then really evaluate. Good luck. Link to post Share on other sites
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