Co-dependent father

[SycamoreCircle]

My problem isn't too pressing, I guess.

 

My parents live in Alabama and I live in New York. They are in their 70's. I have always been closer to my mother because of her emotional intelligence. My father has a lot of problems. And I think it's accurate to shovel them in an amassing hard frozen pile labeled Co-dependence. He's co-dependent on my Mom.

 

He has nothing in his life that gives it value. He goes to Wal-Mart. He buys sh;t off of QVC(that soon loses its interest once he buys it). He sloughs all his anger, misfortune, selfishness, arrogance onto my mother.

 

He's a very intelligent man. He's learned so many things through his own initiative: guns and bulletmaking, scuba-diving, automotive repair, woodworking, homeopathy, gardening. But over the years, his concentration has disappeared. He'll start a project and just lose direction mid-way through(after he's bought all the tools necessary for the job). And you can't tell him anything. He's as stubborn as a mule. He has no friends. He has a few remaining family members that he communicates with over the phone infrequently. Add to this the semi-stroke he suffered a few years back which appears to have really upset his train of thought. He can't seem to maintain a "thesis" when he's speaking about something.

 

My poor Mom just absorbs his negativity like a sponge and somehow manages to drain it off somewhere somehow. I've tried to encourage her to get away for awhile, to take a trip, but she's now taking care of her aging, ailing sister.

 

Aside from any advice you may have for their situation, can you advise me---do you think this sort of depressive, co-dependent behavior coming from my father might still influence the behavior of me, their 38 year-old-son? Might I easily exhibit these traits? Might I easily treat women like this? Reason I ask---I recognize these traits in my elder brother(17 years my senior) and I just wonder if its been a family dynamic my whole life?

[WhatYouWantToHear]

Might I easily exhibit these traits?

 

Not now. You might have been tainted somewhat by being raised in that situation, but by the mere fact you are concerned about it means you've got a leg up on the situation.

 

It's like a reverse self-fulfilling prophecy--you knowing and being worried about it makes it less likely because you are going to be vigilant in making sure it doesn't happen. I'm guessing your father and brother don't have that level of introspection.

[CrystalShine2011]

I agree with above...I doubt you will deal with these issues and in fact you may end up being the polar opposite!

[anika99]

I would say your father is dependent on your mother, not codependent as codependence generally refers to a person who centers their life around another person who has a serious addiction or disorder. That's why they call spouses of alcoholics codependent as the alcoholism is controlling both people while only 1 is drinking. In this situation one might wonder if your mother is the codependent one because of the years she has spent being influenced/controlled by your negative father. If you were also strongly influenced or controlled by your fathers strong negativity then you might have some codependent traits. In order for your father to be codependent he would have to be controlled or manipulated in some negative way by your mother which by the sounds of it, he is not, so he is not the codependent one.

[Timshel]

Sycamore, I typed a thought out message and it vanished. I'm too tapped to write it again right now. I hear you though and if you get this one, I will relay in the morning.

[Timshel]

Test

 

I've done this a few times and every time it's gone so I'll throw in the towel.

 

Best wishes Sycamore

Edited March 5, 2015 by Timshel