Cant move on emotionally after Co-Worker Affair

[Giraffe2014]

My head is wrecked. Can anyone tell me how they managed to work alongside their ex affair partner? Hes moved on and I cant. Being a woman I guess I got emotionally attached. It was for this reason I pushed him away, he got too serious.

Getting another job is not an option but after 10 years of marriage I entered into an affair with "A boy" from work. Early 30's, Jack the lad, full of mischief, compliments, made me feel amazing. After our first drunken kiss we both went back for more. An affair ensued.

He wanted more, I pushed back. Hes living with his GF about 10 years. I love my husband, but he'd have left her for me. According to him I was the sun moon and the stars, to me he was a bit of fun. I still expected him to message me every day. One weekend he didn't and I was bitchy all day Monday. He apologized, he tried to contact me, I was being a bitch, its what I do. I was cool with him for the week and he then called it off.

I thought "Game on" I'll have ya back in a sec. It fell on its face. 4 weeks later hes moved onto someone else in the office (I reckon) and I am a mess.

 

To diffuse this, he doesnt wanna go back, was getting too serious, I wont commit. This is true and hasnt changed but Jesus I miss him. Hes unreliable, a player, a Coke head, an unfaithful. He never wants to get married or have kids.

To all the above points, apply the opposite and you get my husband. Worships the ground I walk on. Is a fantastic father and husband. To a superfical point, is even better looking.

So why can I not move on? I am jealous of this new girl taking all his interest. We barely talk anymore and my husband is doing all he can to get "Us" back after confronting me about my changed behaviour, are you having an affair conversations.

We have a string of work trips coming up. Its easy to avoid him at those but we had so many plans. I am in love with the romantic view in my head. I am in love with the thrill, the fun, how he made me feel and I feel so hollow now.

Deep down I know its not HIM I miss. Its the way he made me feel. Desirable, wanted.

BTW, I am 35, never did anything like this before, am a good person and if its safe to say so, stunningly beautiful. I have great friends, they've advised me well. Why cant I get past this and why do I feel so hollow? Is my only way forward conselling to unravel the real issues? I have zero interest in being with anyone else so cant be just sex. Have I fallen for him or is my behaviour as a result of a tough year I didnt deal with/grieve for?

I feel like I am going insane. He makes me melt when I see him. My husband is the best bet, deep down I dont deserve him. I need a kick in the head! Has anyone being in a work relationship and felt this way after it ended? How did you move on? I feel so out of control of my life.

 

There are lots more pieces to this story but I'd love advise how to move past this without changing jobs. Reasons why I cant move would fill another post on its own. I am losing my mind (Or so I feel) so would love some feedback

 

Thanks in Advance

[FallenA]

Does your husband know about the affair?

[Hope Shimmers]

Okay, so let me summarize this, if I may.

 

You are stunningly beautiful (your words) with a husband who thinks you walk on water and who is the best guy in the world. But you fell into it with a cheating, lying coke-head at work and had an affair. BUT he was so head-over-heels for you that he would have left his 10-year relationship for you. You on the other hand were just casually into it.

 

But then you had a fight over one text message and he broke up with you over it, yet he's the one who has moved on with some other cheating woman and you are the one emotionally wrecked? Am I getting that right?

 

You certainly do need a "kick in the head" (again, your words) and you definitely don't deserve your husband. You need to quit your job unless it's more important to you than your marriage.

 

Why do women with wonderful husbands cheat and lie to them, when the rest of us would do anything to find one of these wonderful men? Life sure is not fair.

[DKT3]

Okay, so let me summarize this, if I may.

 

You are stunningly beautiful (your words) with a husband who thinks you walk on water and who is the best guy in the world. But you fell into it with a cheating, lying coke-head at work and had an affair. BUT he was so head-over-heels for you that he would have left his 10-year relationship for you. You on the other hand were just casually into it.

 

But then you had a fight over one text message and he broke up with you over it, yet he's the one who has moved on with some other cheating woman and you are the one emotionally wrecked? Am I getting that right?

 

You certainly do need a "kick in the head" (again, your words) and you definitely don't deserve your husband. You need to quit your job unless it's more important to you than your marriage.

 

Why do women with wonderful husbands cheat and lie to them, when the rest of us would do anything to find one of these wonderful men? Life sure is not fair.

 

Yeah, we all know she isn't going to leave the job because it would mean NO MORE AP.

[Hope Shimmers]

Yeah, we all know she isn't going to leave the job because it would mean NO MORE AP.

 

Probably the best way to know is if she explains all of this to her husband and then asks him if she should quit her job or not.

[Selfish]

Sounds to me like it was his attention you wanted and now that he has moved on you want him back. And have become obsessive about it.

 

I'd get into IC. Preferably with someone who won't sugar coat things.

[sandylee1]

So your AP is not the marrying kind? But he would have left his GF for you? To do what exactly?

Set up home with you? Your kids?

 

Are you looking to have another affair?

 

If you can't leave your job, then you need to act like your AP doesn't exist.

 

Why did you get into the A?

Is it your first A?

[HereNorThere]

I love how you completely absolve yourself of any guilt. Just this poor, beautiful woman who was taken in by a coke head player.

 

Look, you may be pretty, but calling yourself a good person is a long stretch. You've shamefully humiliated your husband and exposed him to STDs by sleeping with a coke head, repeatedly.

 

Personally, I'd rather be a coke head than a person sleeping with one, but to each their own. Until you look in the mirror and see that your character isn't above his in the least, you'll never get past this. Look at you, obsessed with this horrible drug addict "boy." You're living in another world if you somehow think you're worthy of your good husband.

[FallenA]

I love how you completely absolve yourself of any guilt. Just this poor, beautiful woman who was taken in by a coke head player.

 

Look, you may be pretty, but calling yourself a good person is a long stretch. You've shamefully humiliated your husband and exposed him to STDs by sleeping with a coke head, repeatedly.

 

Personally, I'd rather be a coke head than a person sleeping with one, but to each their own. Until you look in the mirror and see that your character isn't above his in the least, you'll never get past this. Look at you, obsessed with this horrible drug addict "boy." You're living in another world if you somehow think you're worthy of your good husband.

That is seriously harsh but, 100% true.

[HereNorThere]

I'm sure he wasn't a coke head player until he dumped her. Before that, he was just a nice guy friend that shared his coke with her. An upstanding gentleman with a penchant for South American imports.

[road]

We have the time and loveshack will not run out of pages. So tell us why you can not go NC with the OM?

 

 

Also you can throw in why you will not tell your BH?

[No Limit]

Discuss this with your husband. He'll get your head out of the clouds very quickly.

[harrybrown]

Please get checked for stds, before your H finds out.

 

You need to know if you could give your H an std. That is a horrible way to find out.

 

Tell your H before someone from your work tells him.

 

That is how I found out about my wife and her co-workers.

 

It would be better to come from you than to have them send him the evidence.

I wanted to die. Your H is wondering, and someone at work does not always like you. So then they will help you with your marriage.

 

good luck to you.

[obtuseedge]

You are missing the high you got from the affair. It must be really difficult to still see him every day. You have to tell yourself that your husband is a far better man, and get through it.

[Friskyone4u]

You say younwant help or advice but you do not. You are looking for ego kibbles and reassurance that what you are doing is OK. Probably will not happen here .

You show no guilt at all for the betrayal of your husband and family . It is al about you.

Now, if you want to read something you will find out that most experts say that to end a workplace affair and reconcile you have to leave the job . Of course you do not want to do that or tell your husband.

You can get a lot of advice here if you want to save your marriage but you do not. Eventfully your husband will figure all this out because there is no advice that can give you a magic answer to solve your problem. You ah e to do the work

It seems you are more pissed that your excitement has ended than having any remorse for what you are doing .

Your poor husband is an open marriage and you apparently do not have enough respect for him to give him the truth.

And to be honest . It seems to me a beautiful sexy woman could do better than a coke head substance abuser .

When he wants in your pants again he"ll come around . Don't worry

[DukeNukem47]

My head is wrecked. Can anyone tell me how they managed to work alongside their ex affair partner? Hes moved on and I cant. Being a woman I guess I got emotionally attached. It was for this reason I pushed him away, he got too serious.

Getting another job is not an option but after 10 years of marriage I entered into an affair with "A boy" from work. Early 30's, Jack the lad, full of mischief, compliments, made me feel amazing. After our first drunken kiss we both went back for more. An affair ensued.

He wanted more, I pushed back. Hes living with his GF about 10 years. I love my husband, but he'd have left her for me. According to him I was the sun moon and the stars, to me he was a bit of fun. I still expected him to message me every day. One weekend he didn't and I was bitchy all day Monday. He apologized, he tried to contact me, I was being a bitch, its what I do. I was cool with him for the week and he then called it off.

I thought "Game on" I'll have ya back in a sec. It fell on its face. 4 weeks later hes moved onto someone else in the office (I reckon) and I am a mess.

 

To diffuse this, he doesnt wanna go back, was getting too serious, I wont commit. This is true and hasnt changed but Jesus I miss him. Hes unreliable, a player, a Coke head, an unfaithful. He never wants to get married or have kids.

To all the above points, apply the opposite and you get my husband. Worships the ground I walk on. Is a fantastic father and husband. To a superfical point, is even better looking.

So why can I not move on? I am jealous of this new girl taking all his interest. We barely talk anymore and my husband is doing all he can to get "Us" back after confronting me about my changed behaviour, are you having an affair conversations.

We have a string of work trips coming up. Its easy to avoid him at those but we had so many plans. I am in love with the romantic view in my head. I am in love with the thrill, the fun, how he made me feel and I feel so hollow now.

Deep down I know its not HIM I miss. Its the way he made me feel. Desirable, wanted.

BTW, I am 35, never did anything like this before, am a good person and if its safe to say so, stunningly beautiful. I have great friends, they've advised me well. Why cant I get past this and why do I feel so hollow? Is my only way forward conselling to unravel the real issues? I have zero interest in being with anyone else so cant be just sex. Have I fallen for him or is my behaviour as a result of a tough year I didnt deal with/grieve for?

I feel like I am going insane. He makes me melt when I see him. My husband is the best bet, deep down I dont deserve him. I need a kick in the head! Has anyone being in a work relationship and felt this way after it ended? How did you move on? I feel so out of control of my life.

 

There are lots more pieces to this story but I'd love advise how to move past this without changing jobs. Reasons why I cant move would fill another post on its own. I am losing my mind (Or so I feel) so would love some feedback

 

Thanks in Advance

 

You sound like a very bad person. It's stories like this that make many men so scared of marriage.

 

I will not give advice here and I sincerely hope that things do not end well.

[thummper]

If you truly want a "kick in the head," imagine the day when your husband finds out how you betrayed him for some coke head. Imagine what will happen when he leaves you and your kids refuse to even speak to you anymore. Can't happen? It did to a lady on another marriage forum. Two years after d-day and she finds herself living alone in a tiny apartment, her husband barely speaks to her, and her children refuse to have anything to do with her. She didn't think he'd ever find out.

[Giraffe2014]

No he doesn't know, and I should be grateful its over as we came close to getting careless which ultimately would have got us caught (Some would say as deserved)

[Giraffe2014]

I know this. I know my world would crumble, all our lives would be a mess if the truth came out. Ruined lives, for nothing. For a waster

[Giraffe2014]

Hope shimmer, you certainly don’t sugarcoat your words, thanks very much for taking the time to reply. I don’t deserve my husband. I need to repair the damage done to me before he finds out and I end this. I have to mend and learn from it. First and last time.

 

DukeNukem47 – Fair point, but women get cheated on too. Not excusing my behaviour, this forum has opened my eyes even more and for the harsh comments I am genuinely grateful.

 

Selfish – What is IC? And ya, you hit the nail on the head. First time ever being rejected, irrelevant who did it

 

Sandylee1 – First affair. For me, not for him. Why I did it will sound like an excuse but 2014 was a very tough time for me with family issues. I didn’t deal with them, I supported everyone else. Then I lost some weight, gained some cockiness. The affair was the result. Acting like he doesn’t exist is fairly doable. I tried that tactic last week and went quite well, bumped into him once or twice (Inevitable as we work near each other) But nothing else

 

HereNorThere – I think you are right about the guilt. I don’t have it. If I did I know I wouldn’t have done this to begin with or at the very least would have stopped it a lot sooner. I am a good person, I am pretty. This shounds like a mixture of superficial bable and B**** but its true. Is it not possible to have “Fallen off the wagon” and come here for advise how to move on? Your points are excellent, I need to see my self worth and appreciate what I have and be lucky to still have it.

Also, I never did drugs in my life. No exception to that rule. But ya he takes coke every time he drinks, which is probably at least twice a week.

 

ROAD – I will answer you when I find out what “NC” and “OM” are acronym’s for. BH, is that husband?

 

HarryBrown – Thanks for the good advice, but I’m not telling him. I know I need to get screened however.

 

Obtuseedge – Thank you. I know you are right, I will get there

 

Friskyone4U – I came on here looking for advice and expecting a backlash too, par for the course and not undeserved. But I am not looking for advice to keep it going, I would have loved to hear from somone who did move past it successfully. Having said that I do appreciate everyone’s comments. And ya, I am pissed the excitement is over, TBH I go through an array of emotions, but I do want to get back it. Not to miss the excitement. Not to want to go back, each day of no contact helps this.

[road]

 

ROAD – I will answer you when I find out what “NC” and “OM” are acronym’s for. BH, is that husband?

 

 

 

 

 

NC, no contact

 

 

OM, other man which is the same as AP, affair partner.

[elaine567]

I know this. I know my world would crumble, all our lives would be a mess if the truth came out. Ruined lives, for nothing. For a waster

 

YOU have to keep telling yourself this ^^^^ and be grateful you never got caught and be grateful for the fact he has moved on, so is unlikely to cause you further trouble.

 

Get yourself checked for STDs but if positive, you are going to HAVE to tell your husband.

 

If you do get away with it, learn from it and DO NOT get yourself into such a mess again.

 

Think about your husband and your kids, they don't deserve any of this.

[jnel921]

You sound like a person who has a bruised ego and is not remorseful about your A. You didn't tell your H but its obvious he suspects something since he is addressing your behavior.

 

You are too focused on who your ex OM is seeing now at the office than worrying about if your H will leave you if he knew the truth. You want someone to want you and make you feel loved...well that would be the man you married. If things have gotten cold its up to you both to talk and work on heating things up again.

 

You can't have your cake and eat it too. Sound like you are waiting around for this office guy to drop his latest piece of a$$ and come back to you.

 

Get another job and focus on your M. Or tell your H the truth, let him decide if you are worthy of his forgiveness.

 

Good Luck

[Selfish]

IC is individual counselling.

[pheonixrisen]

You have no guilt or remorse and a self of entitlement to the affair excitement ..you are bound to have another affair or probably restart with the same guy...

 

I agree with previous poster you are too focused on AP new affair then your own marriage and h ...and no if this guy was that into you that he would leave his gf for you he would not be jumping on to the next girl so soon...

 

from my own experience ..I did not suspect my h nor was I looking for anything ..and I found out about his affair ...your husband already suspects it's only a matter of time .

 

You must think very little of the man who worships the ground you walk...and when he does find out ...He will never look at you the same again no matter how you spend a lifetime making it right ..

 

You only have to read stories here to know what affairs do to betrayed spouse ..stop being so selfish and either let your husband know you are in affair and feel entitled to have and feel affair excitement and let him have a choice if he wants to be married to this wolf in sheep's clothing ..or go get help ..there is nothing good or stunningly beautiful about destroying people and most importantly children for your own selfishness.