Cant move on emotionally after Co-Worker Affair

[road]

OP, you have been asked before by others. Maybe to today will the lucky day and we can hear why you refuse to go NC with the OM.

[the_artist_1970]

Okay, so let me summarize this, if I may.

 

You are stunningly beautiful (your words) with a husband who thinks you walk on water and who is the best guy in the world. But you fell into it with a cheating, lying coke-head at work and had an affair. BUT he was so head-over-heels for you that he would have left his 10-year relationship for you. You on the other hand were just casually into it.

 

But then you had a fight over one text message and he broke up with you over it, yet he's the one who has moved on with some other cheating woman and you are the one emotionally wrecked? Am I getting that right?

 

You certainly do need a "kick in the head" (again, your words) and you definitely don't deserve your husband. You need to quit your job unless it's more important to you than your marriage.

 

Why do women with wonderful husbands cheat and lie to them, when the rest of us would do anything to find one of these wonderful men? Life sure is not fair.

 

Because someone who tells strangers on a message board that they are stunningly beautiful has a strong need for mounds of attention that no one person can fill. We all know ppl like that who have to be the center of attention who think they walk on water. Self absorb ppl cheat.

[the_artist_1970]

John do you want to know who I find to be the most judgmental individuals on this planet... Cheaters. Take you and the op, both of you examined your partners and JUDGED the fact that neither one deserved your fidelity. That's why whenever I hear cheaters say don't judge or that this person doesn't deserve these judgemental comments all I can think to myself is how hypocritical. People judge people everday. That's life. If cheaters don't want to be judged for their actions, then maybe they shouldn't have cheated. This is an open forum. Some people will be nice and some people won't.

 

I love this post! I can't wrap my head around cheaters who make decisions for their partners by putting them in an open marriage without the BS' consent say don't judge me.

[SawtoothMars]

Yes, it is me, me, me! Me is why i posted! Admittedly selfish and I expected a backlash but I posted truthfully and did so coz I need help and advice a lot of which I have taken onboard. I know I've acted selfishly, bad, evil but knocking me isn't helping me! I'm just a stranger here looking to know how to move on. Sorry if I sound vindictive I telly didn't mean to come across that way just lost and very alone

 

I really don't know what advice to give you. In this situation you should be honest with your husband because there is clearly something causing you to go cheat.

 

The moment your husband tells you that he feels "you are back emotionally" is also the moment where he starts feeling suspicious. Sometimes a guy like me will never bother to look into it. I just let it slide... but I KNEW something had gone on and the fact that she never got honest with me eventually tore a whole in our marriage a truck could drive through. I'm betting that is the path you are wandering down. People can tell when they have married a selfish liar.

 

Maybe you can just sweep this under the rug... but I doubt it. This is cancer and if you wait until stage 4 to begin treatment your marriage won't be savable. In 2 or 3 years remember this.

[Giraffe2014]

Opinions differ, and grateful for each and every one of them. Since my original post I have started to change in my mindset. For the most part this affair stopped 2 months ago, it just took me a while to wean off the excitement and change from that (Start to finish had a 3 month shelf life!)

I wont be telling my husband, but I am putting my energy back into him, working on that, making plans to spend more time together and getting my head back to where it was.

I haven’t decided on counselling yet, tried to pick the phone up a couple times and put it back down again.

As for the other guy, we just act now as if this never happened. There is zero contact. Once this week we were alone in the canteen for 2-3 mins, just run of the mill stuff. It wasn’t even that weird. I am working on things at home, this is my main focus now. This is where all my energy will go. I don’t even feel like the person who originally posted, as crazy as it sounds, that week was like a turning point, an end to it all.

I am looking for a new job, to truly move on this has to happen. That will take time, but I am working on it.

I’m not looking for pity, I didn't set out for that, I think I was a little fuzzy writing the post and wrongly focused on what the next steps needed to be. Maybe I needed to vent, maybe I needed a Virtual kick in the ass.

 

Just one thing I want to clear up too, When I said his girl, I meant his Girlfriend, not me, how sad would I be if I thought that?!!

[atreides]

I wont be telling my husband, but I am putting my energy back into him, working on that, making plans to spend more time together and getting my head back to where it was.

 

It appears you have made up your mind, I only will add that "putting you energy back" into your H.. think about that... is it really energy, whole-heatedly as to be what a marriage should without him knowing? It's like metaphorically burying someone alive, with enough dirt, no one can hear you scream and all will be well.

 

In my opinion, you are not over your affair (3 month shelf-life) because you are not ready to face it in the mirror, you are not ready to own it, but simply bury it. Best of luck, but most of all for your husband, best wishes to him and strength for what lies ahead in blissful ignorance.

[DKT3]

Opinions differ, and grateful for each and every one of them. Since my original post I have started to change in my mindset. For the most part this affair stopped 2 months ago, it just took me a while to wean off the excitement and change from that (Start to finish had a 3 month shelf life!)

I wont be telling my husband, but I am putting my energy back into him, working on that, making plans to spend more time together and getting my head back to where it was.

I haven’t decided on counselling yet, tried to pick the phone up a couple times and put it back down again.

As for the other guy, we just act now as if this never happened. There is zero contact. Once this week we were alone in the canteen for 2-3 mins, just run of the mill stuff. It wasn’t even that weird. I am working on things at home, this is my main focus now. This is where all my energy will go. I don’t even feel like the person who originally posted, as crazy as it sounds, that week was like a turning point, an end to it all.

I am looking for a new job, to truly move on this has to happen. That will take time, but I am working on it.

I’m not looking for pity, I didn't set out for that, I think I was a little fuzzy writing the post and wrongly focused on what the next steps needed to be. Maybe I needed to vent, maybe I needed a Virtual kick in the ass.

 

Just one thing I want to clear up too, When I said his girl, I meant his Girlfriend, not me, how sad would I be if I thought that?!!

 

This will fail.

[jbrent890]

This will fail.

 

I agree whole heartedly. Getting into counseling should be the first order of business. And you are still interacting with this guy. That's so disrespectful. And please don't insult our intelligence, you never intended on telling your husband in the first place, so please don't make it sound like you wrestled with the idea. I'm going to tell you what you want to hear. CONGRATS. You have successfully cheated on your husband and he will be none the wiser. You got to have sex with someone else while you are married while your husband believes you truly did love and respect him during that time. From now on, the rest of your marriage will be based on a lie. But don't worry, what he doesn't know won't hurt him. The guilt will probably hurt at first, but after a few years it will subside.

[Giraffe2014]

I have and had no intention of telling my husband. Doing this will mark the end and I don't want this. Affair boy wanted more he said I was his world and kept asking where it was going an I kept pushing back to say it would lead nowhere just a bit of fun. He got sick of this and I know he's not happy in his relationship. Now, it's fair to say the same of me because of what I did but I never had any intention of ending my marriage and always made this clear to him. When he finally capped it, was like

Another piece of

My

Life I couldn't control. It was never him.

 

Because we sit close together at work total avoidance is impossible. Unless we physically bump into

Each other such as in the canteen there is no contact. His schedule

And breaks at work are rigid and I've Ben successful

In avoiding every single one of those for the past two

Weeks. What I've done will live with me forever. I regret it very much. It was cold and calculated and it showed zero respect to a fantastic husband. Said husband and I had a good chat this week, we talked about what is wrong and before I get whipped we both have many faults affair aside (of which he doesn't know about but had his suspicions)

It was like an awakening. A lot was said. In particular he pinpointed the first night I strayed and said that I went on a work trip in October and never came home. I admitted this. Nothing else.i have zero interest in ever doing this again as in all it's been a mess, stressball and everything else.

Gonna keep looking for a new job a clean break is the way forward or a bloody good start at least

[jbrent890]

I have and had no intention of telling my husband. Doing this will mark the end and I don't want this. Affair boy wanted more he said I was his world and kept asking where it was going an I kept pushing back to say it would lead nowhere just a bit of fun. He got sick of this and I know he's not happy in his relationship. Now, it's fair to say the same of me because of what I did but I never had any intention of ending my marriage and always made this clear to him. When he finally capped it, was like

Another piece of

My

Life I couldn't control. It was never him.

 

Because we sit close together at work total avoidance is impossible. Unless we physically bump into

Each other such as in the canteen there is no contact. His schedule

And breaks at work are rigid and I've Ben successful

In avoiding every single one of those for the past two

Weeks. What I've done will live with me forever. I regret it very much. It was cold and calculated and it showed zero respect to a fantastic husband. Said husband and I had a good chat this week, we talked about what is wrong and before I get whipped we both have many faults affair aside (of which he doesn't know about but had his suspicions)

It was like an awakening. A lot was said. In particular he pinpointed the first night I strayed and said that I went on a work trip in October and never came home. I admitted this. Nothing else.i have zero interest in ever doing this again as in all it's been a mess, stressball and everything else.

Gonna keep looking for a new job a clean break is the way forward or a bloody good start at least

 

You don't know if it will mark the end. I can promise you this, if he finds out by other means it will mark the end. There is no coming back from that. Stats say that the marriage has much better chance of surviving if cheating is confessed. Your husband knows something is up. Honestly, I don't believe you feel as guilty as you say. You cheated and your more than likely going to get away with it. You must be feeling a cascade of relief.

[thummper]

Opinions differ, and grateful for each and every one of them. Since my original post I have started to change in my mindset. For the most part this affair stopped 2 months ago, it just took me a while to wean off the excitement and change from that (Start to finish had a 3 month shelf life!)

I wont be telling my husband, but I am putting my energy back into him, working on that, making plans to spend more time together and getting my head back to where it was.

I haven’t decided on counselling yet, tried to pick the phone up a couple times and put it back down again.

As for the other guy, we just act now as if this never happened. There is zero contact. Once this week we were alone in the canteen for 2-3 mins, just run of the mill stuff. It wasn’t even that weird. I am working on things at home, this is my main focus now. This is where all my energy will go. I don’t even feel like the person who originally posted, as crazy as it sounds, that week was like a turning point, an end to it all.

I am looking for a new job, to truly move on this has to happen. That will take time, but I am working on it.

I’m not looking for pity, I didn't set out for that, I think I was a little fuzzy writing the post and wrongly focused on what the next steps needed to be. Maybe I needed to vent, maybe I needed a Virtual kick in the ass.

 

Just one thing I want to clear up too, When I said his girl, I meant his Girlfriend, not me, how sad would I be if I thought that?!!

 

 

So glad you're spending more time with hubby. If he's as fantastic as you say, it would have been a real shame to lose him, and there's a very good chance that that's exactly what would have happened. I applaud your desire to look for a new job. That would help. There's a poster on LS, named anne (I can't remember the number that's attached to her screen name) who had a MUCH more involved affair with a man at her work. She still works with him. Husband knows all about it and is ok with the setup. Apparently there is virtually NO interaction between the two, not even as far as discussing how nice the weather is. To be honest, I've never heard of anyone else that's been able to pull this off. The general idea, at least as expressed on this site, is to get as far away from the AP as humanly possible to prevent any backsliding. I hope that you're successful in this. Much luck in your future. Cherish your husband and your family. Don't permit the OM any excuse to weasel his way back into your life, because he may still try.

[HereNorThere]

You'll get busted eventually. One of the cokehead's chicks will get scorned and blab, some form of electronic evidence will accidentally pop-up, maybe you'll talk when you're asleep, maybe you'll have to go in for surgery and say something when you come out of sedation, maybe you'll get drunk and black out, maybe someone else who knows will tell him, maybe the next guy you cheat with spills the beans. Hell, the cokehead could go to Narcotics Anonymous tomorrow and be convinced he has to make amends with all the people he has wronged. The possibilities are limitless.

 

But yeah, you're going to get caught. The world is not big enough to hide from lies. Eventually, the world will know the truth about who you are. You can't hide behind all that make-up forever. You will not always be in control of your facilities. It may not be today, but it will happen. He already knows the exact date of your first hook-up, I have a feeling he's a lot smarter than you think he is. Remember, your whole future is riding on a cokehead's ability to keep his story straight. He'd sell you out for a 20 rock.

 

Tick, tock, better enjoy your time now. Eventually Mommy has to explain why to her kid why they have another new Mommy or Daddy. Why Daddy has a new house.

 

Mommy, what's a cokehead?

 

2 Christmases, YAY!!!!!!!!!!

Edited March 4, 2015 by HereNorThere

[atreides]

]I have and had no intention of telling my husband.[/b]

 

Doing this will mark the end and I don't want this.

 

Affair boy wanted more he said I was his world and kept asking where it was going an I kept pushing back to say it would lead nowhere just a bit of fun. He got sick of this and I know he's not happy in his relationship. Now, it's fair to say the same of me because of what I did but I never had any intention of ending my marriage and always made this clear to him. When he finally capped it, was like

Another piece of My Life I couldn't control.

 

As calmly as i can say this, are you serious?? LMAO! "doing this will mark the end" well you don't say... poor you, want to have your cake and eat it too. Why was "the end" not considered before even trying the affair?

 

You have and will always have control, no one is buying that you don't, but keep telling yourself that and one day you may really be able to look your husband in the eyes.

 

Look at it another way, be honest with yourself by telling your husband, since this is more about you, do it for you, the rest is just a lie if you don't. You will be lying to yourself. You never know if it will be the end, confession has a pretty good track record for reconciliation but getting busted, not so much. But hey, at your new job, there just may be another affair boy, cheers to that.

[Giraffe2014]

This really is a zero tolerance group I'm preaching to! But everything you say is true, some of it has made me look at myself in a negative light for once. This isn't a game, a silly game is what I've been playing yet all the while its fire and real lives I'm messing with. Another day down with zero contact with the exception of bumping into him and that other girl at lunch. A friend told

Me they have been friends a long time and nothing behind it but I felt myself havin no feeling about it either way. I am not hankering for his contact, messages and compliments like I once did. My work event is fast approaching and I've managed to get into a differnt hotel. Pulled many strings in Doing so and we have very little work contact and socialise in differnt circles so as far as I'm concerned we won't even be at the same event. Some may ask why do all that if you aren't tempted but I'm serious about keeping this on the right track and am taking no chances. I have zero desire to be with anyone else ever again I am not looking to replace him when it's taken so much out of me to move on from that idiot. Lesson learned

[HereNorThere]

Good to hear that you're finally coming around. Welcome back to earth.

 

Just don't let your guard down and don't let him get his hooks back into you. Every time you see his face, mentally replace it with the face of your child. You don't want to ruin their future, start custody battles and child support, live the life of a single parent, etc over dumbass coke head.

 

And as hard as it is, find another job. Of course it'll help keep you away from CHOM (look, I made new one, coke head other man) but I also think it'll help cleanse your soul a bit. Sometimes we need new beginnings and sometimes we need to let go of baggage.

 

Good luck and I hope things get better for you. It sounds like you're on the right track. Be as honest with yourself about yourself as you would be judging another person. Sometimes it's hard to step outside of our own ego and look at things objectively. The amount of lies we humans have to convince ourselves of every single day is astounding and it's scary to look through an unfiltered lens, but you have to do it to stay grounded.

[Giraffe2014]

Sh*t! Woke up with messages on my phone to affair boy last night. Was out with husband and we had a great night but both very drunk. We got home and he went to bed and sent the first text. He replied and I immediately said sorry was a mistake and he came back and said he was glad I messaged and there were no more. I set him an apology message today and he read and didn't reply which has annoyed me and clearly it shouldn't do and I shouldn't haveesaged him

In the first place. Demon drink I need to give it up

All

Else in my life is going so well now I'm so annoyed over this slip. So annoyed I can't explain it and why didn't he just reply and say was ok to put me out of my misery?! Ahhh

[road]

Sh*t! Woke up with messages on my phone to affair boy last night. Was out with husband and we had a great night but both very drunk. We got home and he went to bed and sent the first text. He replied and I immediately said sorry was a mistake and he came back and said he was glad I messaged and there were no more. I set him an apology message today and he read and didn't reply which has annoyed me and clearly it shouldn't do and I shouldn't haveesaged him

In the first place. Demon drink I need to give it up

All

Else in my life is going so well now I'm so annoyed over this slip. So annoyed I can't explain it and why didn't he just reply and say was ok to put me out of my misery?! Ahhh

 

No 1 reason to remove OM's number from your phone and for you to block OM's number.

[SoulStorm]

Sh*t! Woke up with messages on my phone to affair boy last night. Was out with husband and we had a great night but both very drunk. We got home and he went to bed and sent the first text. He replied and I immediately said sorry was a mistake and he came back and said he was glad I messaged and there were no more. I set him an apology message today and he read and didn't reply which has annoyed me and clearly it shouldn't do and I shouldn't haveesaged him

In the first place. Demon drink I need to give it up

All

Else in my life is going so well now I'm so annoyed over this slip. So annoyed I can't explain it and why didn't he just reply and say was ok to put me out of my misery?! Ahhh

 

What was/were the text(s) you sent? You've been wanting to contact him and your lowered inhibitions,due to alcohol, gave you the "excuse" to do so. I emphasized excuse because it really isn't. You chose to contact him, being drunk is not an excuse. Your inhibitions were lowered, not destroyed

[WomenWubber]

You need to hit rock bottom.

 

Don't worry. You're about to.

[Darren Steez]

Time to ROLL

[Sassy Girl]

Do you remember all his secrets that he told you - his other affairs, who they were with, why they ended??

 

 

He will be telling this next girl the same things. Your secrets aren't your own. And what's worse, you did this with a colleague so not only put your marriage at risk, but also your job and your reputation at work.

 

 

It will get around. Lets hope he doesn't burn anyone else in the future who decides to blow up your world too.

[happyman64]

Giraffe

 

 

You really need to find a new job.

 

 

And you really need to come clean with your H.

 

 

Why? Because he is smart. He has his suspicions. He knows something was wrong the first night you never came home.

 

 

It might take a few months or a few years but he will put all of this together. Or you might slip up. Or the OM might slip up. Or his GF finds out. Or one of your coworkers finds out. Or you get drunk and do something really stupid again....

 

 

If you truly are sorry for what you did you would find a good counselor and figure out your self esteem issues. You would find out why a "good" person like yourself who is beautiful needs to lie, cheat on her husband with a druggy bad boy.

 

 

Ask your counselor (you should have one already) if you can bring your H with you to a session to disclose the affair to him.

 

 

Because in the end what you are going to find out is that a "good" person admits their wrongdoings and tries their hardest to make amends in an open, honest manner.

 

 

Think about it.

 

 

HM

[thummper]

Sh*t! Woke up with messages on my phone to affair boy last night. Was out with husband and we had a great night but both very drunk. We got home and he went to bed and sent the first text. He replied and I immediately said sorry was a mistake and he came back and said he was glad I messaged and there were no more. I set him an apology message today and he read and didn't reply which has annoyed me and clearly it shouldn't do and I shouldn't haveesaged him

In the first place. Demon drink I need to give it up

All

Else in my life is going so well now I'm so annoyed over this slip. So annoyed I can't explain it and why didn't he just reply and say was ok to put me out of my misery?! Ahhh

 

 

And the beat goes on. You're going to keep doing this, and, lady, you're going to be found out. It was a minor miracle that you discovered the texts before your husband found them. And why in the hell do you care that he didn't reply? Why, why, why? The fact that it bothers you that he doesn't reply proves you're still stuck on him. I just know this whole thing is going to blow up in your face. I've said it before, get out of that job and have exactly ZERO contact with this guy. But, you're not going to do that, are you? Oh well, have it your own way.

[NJ123]

People like the OP are why men are scared of being married these days. This is the exact thing I fear, being married to someone & than they cheat & I never find out, or finding out years down the line, to find out I wasted years with them.

 

You need to tell your husband & let him decide what to do. Because if he finds out on his own, and he probably will one day when you **** up, he's going to divorce you guaranteed.

[toolforgrowth]

People like the OP are why men are scared of being married these days. This is the exact thing I fear, being married to someone & than they cheat & I never find out, or finding out years down the line, to find out I wasted years with them.

 

You need to tell your husband & let him decide what to do. Because if he finds out on his own, and he probably will one day when you **** up, he's going to divorce you guaranteed.

 

I don't see eye to eye with you very much, but on this, I wholeheartedly agree. I was a BH myself, so I know what it's like. It's made damned sure that I'll never marry again. Too many risks involved for a man to marry these days.

 

I have no problem being in a committed relationship, mind you. I'm just far more protective of my life and assets now after being burned once.