Cant move on emotionally after Co-Worker Affair

[Mr. Lucky]

Demon drink I need to give it up

I set him an apology message today and he read and didn't reply which has annoyed me

 

Were you still drunk when you texted him today ???

 

At some point, you'll run out of other things and people to blame your actions on...

 

Mr. Lucky

[beach]

Sh*t! Woke up with messages on my phone to affair boy last night. Was out with husband and we had a great night but both very drunk. We got home and he went to bed and sent the first text. He replied and I immediately said sorry was a mistake and he came back and said he was glad I messaged and there were no more. I set him an apology message today and he read and didn't reply which has annoyed me and clearly it shouldn't do and I shouldn't haveesaged him

In the first place. Demon drink I need to give it up

All

Else in my life is going so well now I'm so annoyed over this slip. So annoyed I can't explain it and why didn't he just reply and say was ok to put me out of my misery?! Ahhh

 

Why haven't you removed him from all aspects of your life? Why did you still have his number?

 

And why are you drinking so much that you don't realize what you're doing?

 

Girlfriend - you've got some work to do. Get some professional help getting over him and getting boundaries set up for yourself.

 

Even contacting him that way is just disrespecting your BH even more. You even sent ANOTHER text today? Woman, get a handle on what you're doing!

 

You either stop it and act as though it stopped or be fair to your husband and leave him - then you can play these games with any man you want.

Edited March 9, 2015 by beach

[Giraffe2014]

The messages were there the next morning. I just sent a “Hi” and he responded asking if I was drunk, replied and said sorry for texting, was a mistake and he sent another saying don’t be sorry I am happy to hear from you. I didn’t text anymore and he sent another few then just asking if I was still there, how was I etc. So then the next day (Yesterday) I sent an apology message for the messages night previous and completely ignored that. I put myself back in the stupid hamster wheel when all is going so well at home again with hubby and here I am in work again so embarrassed and avoiding him yet I have a project (About 10 on that team) that needs to be finished this week so no avoiding him.

I do need to find a new job. I am angry at myself, this job is perfect in every way, but I have to go to cut ties. My husband is an extremely intelligent man, OP’s have pointed this out on many occasions. I do not want to lose him. I want to put this whole sorry mess to bed and get on with my life. I am a bloody idiot! Feel so crap today, deservedly so

[beach]

The messages were there the next morning. I just sent a “Hi” and he responded asking if I was drunk, replied and said sorry for texting, was a mistake and he sent another saying don’t be sorry I am happy to hear from you. I didn’t text anymore and he sent another few then just asking if I was still there, how was I etc. So then the next day (Yesterday) I sent an apology message for the messages night previous and completely ignored that. I put myself back in the stupid hamster wheel when all is going so well at home again with hubby and here I am in work again so embarrassed and avoiding him yet I have a project (About 10 on that team) that needs to be finished this week so no avoiding him.

I do need to find a new job. I am angry at myself, this job is perfect in every way, but I have to go to cut ties. My husband is an extremely intelligent man, OP’s have pointed this out on many occasions. I do not want to lose him. I want to put this whole sorry mess to bed and get on with my life. I am a bloody idiot! Feel so crap today, deservedly so

 

Why was his number still in your phone? Why hadn't you deleted it?

 

Why did you drink so much?

 

You are still responsible for your own actions... Yes, find a new job.

[Giraffe2014]

Number deleted.deleted. Thats that gone for good now. Had a message to say he was sorry he didn't respond to my apology text but didn't get a chance and I just said I shouldn't have messaged in first place and we will leave it at that. Today marks the end of contact with him, I am feeling determined

[Mr. Lucky]

My husband is an extremely intelligent man, OP’s have pointed this out on many occasions. I do not want to lose him.

 

What does your husband think is behind your mood swings, depression, acting out, etc ???

 

Mr. Lucky

[rollercoaster11]

All I have to say is wow!!! I was in an office romance but your situation and mine is the total opposite. My husband was the opposite of yours...I went through years of mental abuse, cheating and he was a drunk...I wished mine was like yours...I definitely wouldn't be posting on this forum. I stayed for years in that marriage until I just checked out of it and told him to leave...now back to the subject at hand. The guy that I was seeing was totally opposite of your OA(office affair). Mine was smart, sweet, quiet and very insecure but you to meet him at first glance..you wouldn't know that...I learned that way later on. He was very closed off and made it hard to get close to him. I eventually ended thingg but it was only because I loved him so much. Just like you I have a hard time seeing him but for now there isnt any other option. I am trying to transfer to another department. I dont need the pain. Lesson learned....I will never date anyone on the job again. Just cut your losses...bullet dodged. Appreciate what u have at home...you never miss the water until the well runs dry...I have lots of quotes but will end it right there.

[rollercoaster11]

All I have to say is wow!!! I was in an office romance but your situation and mine is the total opposite. My husband was the opposite of yours...I went through years of mental abuse, cheating and he was a drunk...I wished mine was like yours...I definitely wouldn't be posting on this forum. I stayed for years in that marriage until I just checked out of it and told him to leave...now back to the subject at hand. The guy that I was seeing was totally opposite of your OA(office affair). Mine was smart, sweet, quiet and very insecure but you to meet him at first glance..you wouldn't know that...I learned that way later on. He was very closed off and made it hard to get close to him. I eventually ended thingg but it was only because I loved him so much. Just like you I have a hard time seeing him but for now there isnt any other option. I am trying to transfer to another department. I dont need the pain. Lesson learned....I will never date anyone on the job again. Just cut your losses...bullet dodged. Appreciate what u have at home...you never miss the water until the well runs dry...I have lots of quotes but will end it right there.

[Giraffe2014]

I think I need to stop drinking too! His number is completely gone now which was a big step for me. Quite annoyed with myself over the whole thing, I have, I am gambling with my life and the lives of those I really love.

Rollercoaster11, I hope things are good for you now and well done for moving on with your life.

Clearly I have issues. I have an amazing husband. Saying this stuff out loud/writing it down makes me sound like such an evil cow. I need to get over the dented ego. I need to move forward and be thankful I still have what I do. If I keep playing with fire…

[beach]

Did you tell your H that you texted the OM over this weekend?

[stellamaria]

Giraffe - good luck keeping the no contact. Just take it one day at a time and you will do it.

 

Set a boundary right now for yourself - you're saying no to yourself for contacting him. You will want to, but you're going to keep this boundary you've set for yourself.

 

I'm in a similar position - husband is lovely, affair partner was a loser. And he rejected me, saying I wouldn't commit. He was an old friend which makes it worse, because now I've lost a friend. Although he wasn't really a friend but it's still the loss of a good friendship as far as I am (deluded) concerned.

 

The no contact has been hard for me, but is getting easier... but then, we don't physically work together (we do actually work together, but I don't need to physically see him, we both work from home).

 

It's hard. I miss him a lot. I'm devestated to have lost someone that was so huge in my life. But I am also focussing on my wonderful husband and knowing I messed up.

 

If you don't feel guilty yet, trust me, that will come. And if you had any respect for the guy you had the affair with, that makes it worse because now you won't like him. Someone worded it better, but to paraphrase: it turns someone you liked and had respect for into someone you can't stand the sight of any more. Caution for anyone tempted to have an affair.

[Giraffe2014]

Beach no I did not tell him! Stellamaria thanks for the advice. I feel rejected. This was true when I posted initially but I'm building back my self confidence yet it's taking more and more time. I'm drinking an exercising like a mad woman I'm gonna burn out if I don't take a step back. The every day working with him

Is hard and I'm looking for a new job, this won't come easy in my field but I'm active looking. I'm a lot calmer in myself, two weekends with husband for months I was out partying morning noon and night but being content at home again is a massive step. Next up is the work trip ad if I can get through that I'm home and clear. He thinks it's game in we will be with each other every night well he's in for a rude awakening. Wish that working week was done and I could get out of it but gonna use it to my advantage and prove the point that this is finished in every way. I don't need him. I just need to cop the **** on and really realise that. That or we lose it all. Both of us. If I leave my husband this other guy would come bag in hand but I'd rather be single than have to deal with him in a relationship. That's all the answer I need really

[DKT3]

At the start I said you would fail. I honestly 100% believe that.

 

You spent four pages talking about having no desire to contact him, yet you seem to continue to find yourself talking to him. Not only at work but also texting him. Making sure to blame it on drinking.

 

When that trip comes up, you'll be in his bed.

 

Your not being honest with yourself and not taking responsiblity for your actions. You continue to make excuses. Your not really taking this serious, because you haven't had to really deal with the fallout. Soo when that trip comes up, you'll be right back into a full blown affair.

[Oberfeldwebel]

I am curious why you feel that your husband does not deserve to know the truth about the relationship? Secondly, would you like to know the truth, if the shoe was on the other foot?

[SoulStorm]

At the start I said you would fail. I honestly 100% believe that.

 

You spent four pages talking about having no desire to contact him, yet you seem to continue to find yourself talking to him. Not only at work but also texting him. Making sure to blame it on drinking.

 

When that trip comes up, you'll be in his bed.

 

Your not being honest with yourself and not taking responsiblity for your actions. You continue to make excuses. Your not really taking this serious, because you haven't had to really deal with the fallout. Soo when that trip comes up, you'll be right back into a full blown affair.

 

I agree with this

 

1. You are still in contact with him. Limited physical contact, but heavy mental contact plus the texting

 

2. You say you love your husband, but you continually lie to him about the full extent of the affair and continued contact that you initiated, drunken or not

 

3. You know full well you will give in to the OM. In your own words you miss him A LOT.

 

All its going to take is a few drinks and you could wind up in his room or him in yours.

 

Be honest..you are excited about this trip. You get to see him again since you miss him A LOT.Also it's a familiar affair related environment

 

I would be surprised if you did make it through the business trip.

 

I hope you prove me wrong, but all your current actions points to more devastation for your family

Edited March 10, 2015 by SoulStorm

[sammy7111]

You need to set some money aside because if your husband is suspicious he well findout. Smart people don't just let things go aawsy. Your best bet is honest and hope for the best. Can you imaging what's been going throw his mind know something has changed and it's changing again. That's a dead give away that you where cheating.

[beach]

Beach no I did not tell him! Stellamaria thanks for the advice. I feel rejected. This was true when I posted initially but I'm building back my self confidence yet it's taking more and more time. I'm drinking an exercising like a mad woman I'm gonna burn out if I don't take a step back. The every day working with him

Is hard and I'm looking for a new job, this won't come easy in my field but I'm active looking. I'm a lot calmer in myself, two weekends with husband for months I was out partying morning noon and night but being content at home again is a massive step. Next up is the work trip ad if I can get through that I'm home and clear. He thinks it's game in we will be with each other every night well he's in for a rude awakening. Wish that working week was done and I could get out of it but gonna use it to my advantage and prove the point that this is finished in every way. I don't need him. I just need to cop the **** on and really realise that. That or we lose it all. Both of us. If I leave my husband this other guy would come bag in hand but I'd rather be single than have to deal with him in a relationship. That's all the answer I need really

 

You should tell your H.

 

Mainly because he deserves to know. But also so he knows why you NEED to quit that job like now.

 

Going on that trip - bad idea! Especially since your OM has expectations and you likely will sleep with him. Don't drink on the trip!

 

It sounds as if you're trying to convince yourself you can do this - and you can - but not easily and not likely to not cheat on the trip give the circumstances.

 

Can you be sick and not go?

[Mr. Lucky]

Next up is the work trip ad if I can get through that I'm home and clear. He thinks it's game in we will be with each other every night well he's in for a rude awakening. Wish that working week was done and I could get out of it but gonna use it to my advantage and prove the point that this is finished in every way. I don't need him. I just need to cop the **** on and really realise that. That or we lose it all. Both of us. If I leave my husband this other guy would come bag in hand but I'd rather be single than have to deal with him in a relationship. That's all the answer I need really

 

Talk is one thing, walking the walk another. Just so we're clear - you're traveling on a work trip and staying in a hotel with the affair partner you claim you're breaking up with? Pretty much proves the depth of your commitment to husband and marriage. A new low - and in this forum, that's hard to do - in selfishness, entitlement and need for validation...

 

Mr. Lucky

[HereNorThere]

It's probably best if you don't quit your job. Being a single parent is more expensive than you think. Even if you get good child support and/or alimony, you'll probably have to support your child, OM's coke habit and any other offspring he has with other women while he's with you.

 

These things can get expensive. Probably best to to stay employed.

[pheonixrisen]

Beach no I did not tell him! Stellamaria thanks for the advice. I feel rejected. This was true when I posted initially but I'm building back my self confidence yet it's taking more and more time. I'm drinking an exercising like a mad woman I'm gonna burn out if I don't take a step back. The every day working with him

Is hard and I'm looking for a new job, this won't come easy in my field but I'm active looking. I'm a lot calmer in myself, two weekends with husband for months I was out partying morning noon and night but being content at home again is a massive step. Next up is the work trip ad if I can get through that I'm home and clear. He thinks it's game in we will be with each other every night well he's in for a rude awakening. Wish that working week was done and I could get out of it but gonna use it to my advantage and prove the point that this is finished in every way. I don't need him. I just need to cop the **** on and really realise that. That or we lose it all. Both of us.If I leave my husband this other guy would come bag in hand but I'd rather be single than have to deal with him in a relationship. That's all the answer I need really

 

He thinks, he did , he did not , he said . You are hung up on his every word or move ...wake up!!! he is already moved on to another office girl ...If he can get another roll in the bed (as you claimed ) with a beautiful stunner why not ? But that's all that is ...

 

You are delusional that you would get the guy bag in hand if you left your h...He has a 10 years gf remember ...hee has cheated too many times ...you are just a number he has already moved on too next one....he has been in this situation too many times ...he knows the drill ...While you are in for a rude awakening...and while you concentrate on office boy ...your h might be doing some digging of his own ...He already suspects something is up ...its only a matter of time .

[Chi townD]

Okay, here's the deal. Your husband already knows. Hell, he's even asked you if you're cheating on him! To which, you lied to him. But, my point is he knows. You also said that you're dedicating yourself to fixing your marriage and your husband is seeing a change and seems happy. One of two things are going to happen. He's either going to bury his head in the sand and try to convince himself that he was wrong. Or, that nagging gut feeling won't go away and he'll start looking into things himself. Hell, he may even find his way on here and start his own thread that reads, "I think my wife is cheating on me or has Cheated on me." And I wouldn't know him from Adam, but I would be able to tell him certain things he can do to find out for sure. Things you never even considered.

 

 

I mean, a simple example. You stated that you deleted the OM number from your phone. Whew! Well, so what?!?! Doesn't mean he deleted YOUR number from his phone and what if one night he drunk texts you and your husband see's it? What then?

 

 

I think that you're starting to think that you're out of the woods. But the fact is, you're probably not. You need to really consider if you really want to continue this lie, because if he finds out on his own, that doesn't bode well for you at all.

Edited March 10, 2015 by Chi townD

[Giraffe2014]

If I was to tell my husband about it, he would never forgive me. Understandably so, he has zero tolerance for cheating. Zero forgiveness. This is why I can never tell him and why I need to turn my life around. I have no idea why I find this so hard. Ok, some idea, working together is a constant reminder of the sneaking round and fun and how desired he made me feel. Desired by him, I know, it makes no sense. He just walked past me with that other one now and my heart sunk. I don’t want to feel this way. I want to feel nothing. I want to move on with my life and feel nothing towards him. I know the contact has to stop. I do know this.

 

I know that the right thing to do is to get through the business trip without a slip up. I know I can have him in my room in a second, hes not the type to turn down sex regardless of the outcome and it would not be a sober meeting(s) lets be honest. I know that’s the wrong thing to do. I know it takes me several steps backwards (Last time I had physical contact was 3rd week in Jan). These are the reasons I need to stand my ground.

I know I will probably want it to happen; this is the trip we talked about so much and the time we would have alone together and that will play on my mind. But I know that if I ignite this again I am another step closer to devastation and hurting my family. I am going to look at it different and with time the need for him will burn out completely. This is all I have. The only plan I have.

Missing the trip is an absolute impossibility, many work related reasons I won’t go into here. That’s not an option for me. We will both be there but we will be two in a group of approx. 800

Herenorthere, your comment made me laugh. And its meant as true sarcasm and my God how true it is. Christ that could be my life. I keep getting realisation moments. I am living in a aromatic fantasy bubble one minute and head is clear the next.

pheonixrisen, your comment is what I need, same to you ChitownD. Christ, I actually think I am mentally deficient or evil. Something not right in my head at all, I need to get professional help. I find myself taking a step back and being shocked at who I have become. As in sad, shocked, afraid even. And then my mind slips a bit and I am forever trying to talk sense to myself.

Husband has questioned me, even apologized for questioning me once we sat down and had a proper chat a couple weeks back. Ya know what, he probably is doing some digging, I’d do well to be very careful as I am in the process of stopping this.

And also I know so well that office boy has done this many times before. He will/is doing it again, its what he does. He will never be anyone’s, just a guy that goes with every woman that he can get his hands on. Even if you did have a “Relationship” with him, you’d never know who you were sharing your bed with. That’s something I’ve never wanted, he goes on that many benders I’d have his bags packed in 4 weeks.

I have a wonderful husband, family, I have it all. I really want to stop, I don’t want to lose it all. I know deleting his number isn’t going to make it all go away. He messaged me a few times today, I ignored them all. He walked into the canteen, I discreetly left. I am trying. And I am starting to try harder. I honestly don’t want to lose what I have. I have no idea why I have become so selfish, self centered, so horrible. Can I ever go back to being me? The happy woman, content?

[HereNorThere]

Okay, so you say you want to do the right thing, so let's actually talk about what you can do.

 

1.) Get a different job. This may take some time, but it's possible.

2.) Get yourself into a therapist, like yesterday. This can be accomplished TODAY.

3.) Block his number through your phone or carrier. If you don't know how, I would gladly assist you. There's also this search engine called "google" that could help you.

4.) Change your phone number. You're pretty good at lying and while I hate enabling you, I'm looking at this advice as I am enabling your NC. Just say you've been getting a bunch of telemarketing calls. Hell, go sign yourself up for a bunch of telemarketing calls.

 

I'll stop there, but maybe some other posters can help as well. See, this is about your OBSESSION, not about some crappy guy. By all standards, he isn't even awesome. You're obsessed because you've always been able to have whatever you want. Now you've come across something that you technically can't have (without giving up EVERYTHING else) and it bothers you to your core. I've actually been there plenty of times myself, so I can relate. I know first hand how it feels to be in a relationship and either be desired or desire other people. It can be maddening at times, sure, but nothing is more maddening than being in bed alone knowing you screwed up your whole life over nothing.

Edited March 10, 2015 by HereNorThere

[Giraffe2014]

He doesn't have my phone number. He has my work cell only and that is now only during work hours only and won't come home with me again. Of course it will be with me the entire work trip. This is where I need to be careful. We will only have to be in re same social circle one night, my team will be with me for the first time in 6 months so bar the company night ill be with them and management and he will be with his peers.

 

I need to get professional help, I know this has been my first rejection ever. No guy ever rejected me. Ever! How shallow am I?!

 

New job will have to happen. I can't believe I've become obsessed with someone who played me like a fiddle. I feel foolish. I wanted to end it to be the winner but there are no winners only losers. It's going in the right direction I know if I don't get through this work trip, the ultimate test I'm goin to feel a million times worse than I do right now. Like **** for what I've let myself be, to a scumbag and most of all what I again did to my husband. No guys that's it I need to be done.

 

Okay, so you say you want to do the right thing, so let's actually talk about what you can do.

 

1.) Get a different job. This may take some time, but it's possible.

2.) Get yourself into a therapist, like yesterday. This can be accomplished TODAY.

3.) Block his number through your phone or carrier. If you don't know how, I would gladly assist you. There's also this search engine called "google" that could help you.

4.) Change your phone number. You're pretty good at lying and while I hate enabling you, I'm looking at this advice as I am enabling your NC. Just say you've been getting a bunch of telemarketing calls. Hell, go sign yourself up for a bunch of telemarketing calls.

 

I'll stop there, but maybe some other posters can help as well. See, this is about your OBSESSION, not about some crappy guy. By all standards, he isn't even awesome. You're obsessed because you've always been able to have whatever you want. Now you've come across something that you technically can't have (without giving up EVERYTHING else) and it bothers you to your core. I've actually been there plenty of times myself, so I can relate. I know first hand how it feels to be in a relationship and either be desired or desire other people. It can be maddening at times, sure, but nothing is more maddening than being in bed alone knowing you screwed up your whole life over nothing.

[autumnnight]

He doesn't have my phone number. He has my work cell only and that is now only during work hours only and won't come home with me again. Of course it will be with me the entire work trip. This is where I need to be careful. We will only have to be in re same social circle one night, my team will be with me for the first time in 6 months so bar the company night ill be with them and management and he will be with his peers.

 

I need to get professional help, I know this has been my first rejection ever. No guy ever rejected me. Ever! How shallow am I?!

 

New job will have to happen. I can't believe I've become obsessed with someone who played me like a fiddle. I feel foolish. I wanted to end it to be the winner but there are no winners only losers. It's going in the right direction I know if I don't get through this work trip, the ultimate test I'm goin to feel a million times worse than I do right now. Like **** for what I've let myself be, to a scumbag and most of all what I again did to my husband. No guys that's it I need to be done.

 

 

This is simple (maybe not easy but simple). If you have anything approximating remorse and you are really done with this affair and care about your husband, you will be honest, you will find a way to skip this trip, and you will be sending out resumes yesterday.

 

You aren't.