Cant move on emotionally after Co-Worker Affair

[harrybrown]

Stop hurting your family.

 

Just tell them what you are doing, and you can't give up the OM.

 

He will cheat on you and with you.

 

Let your H have custody of your child or children so you can continue to have your fun.

 

You might want to see a counselor about why you can't have NC with the bad boy and why you want to destroy your family.

 

But go home and write out a timeline of the A or A's for your H. He will be hurt but he needs to know.

 

If he was having his needs meet elsewhere and kept it a secret to have a laugh behind your back and did not love or respect you, wouldn't you deserve to know?

 

If you can't stop and it looks like you can't, time to call it a day, have as "good" D as possible and then you have your freedom. This shows that this is what you want, so be free and let your H have some time to find someone that does care about him.

 

The OM does not care about you, he loves using you, and he does not have real feelings for you.

 

Please stop continuing to live in this fantasy world. You are dropping an A bomb on your family. Do it before someone commits suicide or before you have OM's baby.

[Giraffe2014]

Harrybrown, you are so right, my good Lord, if DH ever did anything to harm himself over this I would be devastated. He adores me and our child. I’m searching to understand why I did this and I know in my heart and soul this is the end for me and AP. I always knew that the end would be this week as we are not in affair contact back home since January, even when we were our encounters were few and far between due to family commitments. And I know if the shoe were on the other foot, yes of course I would be devastated, betrayed.

I hope my DH never finds out because I want to get back what we had. If I can’t do that then to be fair to the whole family, yes we do need to part for sure. It’s not my intention to stay in this marriage just for the sake of it, I do love DH, I did crave excitement outside of that but we are happy together.

Its not easy but yes I will go home to him and be able to live my life with this secret. And I hope that as time goes on the guilt will lessen, right now, that part is strong.

I am going to take charge of my life, I know I need to get tested and have counselling ASAP. Something inside of me is not right. I feel empty and hollow and unfulfilled.

I know I have annoyed many people on here with my story. It is real, it is my life as true as I sit here in this meeting room in a strange country. I am surrounded by so many people and feel so alone. Did I do this as I’m bad?, lonely? Narcissist? A combination of factors perhaps. But I never did this before and have no desire to do it again. I know I have been berated by referring to myself as beautiful, but I only did this at the beginning to paint a visual of me and AP. I am, and always have been surrounded by lots of good looking men. I had and have any opportunity to be with a lot of them and I had and still have zero interest in that, it’s a disgusting idea. Yet for AP, I went for all the traits in a man that no woman in her right mind would want to commit to and I need to understand why I did that. Why I am drawn to such a person. Until I figure me out and get counselled I am going round in circles in my head.

I_Give_Up67. This is pretty much like a bad movie alright. That or a train crash. Such a fitting analogy.

And beach, I mean absolutely NOTHING to AP. Again, this was the attraction. I wasn’t looking for love and romance, I had that at home. I wanted excitement and fun and to feel like a single carefree young person again. Of course it was always going to spiral into something else as time went on but I had the blinkers on.

[SoulStorm]

You really messed up your life. You think you can just bury this and it will all go away. You will have physical manifestations of the guilt you hide. You will never be as close to your husband as you think you will be because you have to PRETEND to be a good and faithful wife. You will always have this thing you think is a secret, but AP knows, the people in the hotel know because he shared your room for 2 days. Someone may leak it. People gossip. You were not very discreet at all.

 

You don't deserve your husband or even to be a mom. What do you think your little daughter/son was doing while you were banging AP Monday and Tuesday? While her father was there taking care of him /her, you were busy partying and screwing your coked out loser.

 

Do you even care?

 

You should get IC...

 

You embarked on destructive behavior that will...in time...destroy your family

 

I'm glad there are good women in this world, but you right now are not one of them

Edited March 26, 2015 by SoulStorm

[I_Give_Up67]

Giraffe- I hope you will seek counseling for your family's sake. From your last 2 posts, it seems that you may just not want to be married anymore.

 

 

Is it possible that you want out of your marriage so bad, that you are feeling guilty because you can't give your BH a reason or excuse to end it? So you have this A, hoping that BH finds out and dumps you?

 

 

Is it possible that you are using the AP as one way ticket out of your M?

[Giraffe2014]

I Was always a “Good woman” too. Loyal and faithful for 30 odd years of my life and I am not ready to write myself off! Today took a turn. I found out through the grapevine that AP isn’t sick at all (A Matter which is being dealt with by his manager) That he spent the night with some girl he picked up also working at this event. He doesn’t know I know this, saw him earlier and asked why he was here and he said “OH I feel so much better I will work on”. Then messaged me to say he would have an early night tonight. No doubt with her.

I don’t know why this surprises me, kick in the guts for sure, affirmation that this has all been game that he’s won as I’m stuck with my thoughts and from them I can’t easily get away.

I_Give_Up67 – Do I want out of my marriage? No, this isn’t the case but I did take a moment to think about your point and genuinely consider it. I was looking for a thrill, escape, no strings excitement. Then I got emotionally attached, we both bolted and I found hard to truly let go. He moved on just fine

SoulStorm, ya I messed up bad. If I could rewind the clock I would in a heartbeat. I know it will be a long journey for me to get back to normal. I do know this, I know when I wake every morning with a sinking feeling of regret and guilt in the pit of my stomach. Its all been a mess.

[bigman1]

G,

 

I've heard of WW's who wanted out of an A, but couldn't end it. Being caught was a relief, they said. Here's the thing, which is gonna be best for you: caught or confessed? Given your statements and emotions, you are going to get caught because you are a mess. Mistakes happen now. For all you know, H is on to something.

 

Do you have a better chance at resolving your M if you are caught or confess? You've got to think about the future. Right now you are so myopic in your view that your focus is on OM and your pain over him. You are not handling that well. It is time to take control of the situation or its going to blow up everything.

[I_Give_Up67]

I have to be blunt with you Giraffe-

 

 

You have crossed a line in your M and I don't think there is any going back to your old life again. You are as human as the next person, we all have out strengths and weakness. Do you honestly think you will ever be able to replicate the thrill you've had with the AP, with your BH? You have experienced a taste of forbidden lust outside of your M and guilt aside, you've loved it. I don't think you will ever be able to turn that off again for the "vanilla" passion of your BH. Whether with your current AP or a new AP, you will not be able to shut off these desires so easily.

[SoulStorm]

If this is indeed real I am going to tell you why you did what you did.

 

You work in a good profession and you are in charge of people and projects.

You are looked to for guidance and your ability to get the job done.

People count on you at work

Your husband and family count on you at home.

You appear to be a nurturer and care giver and you really believe you like being the go to person. A part of you might. You always have to be the problem solver, the one holding things together.

Even during a real traumatic period...you held it together.

 

Then you see Jack the Lad. He seems carefree. Does what he wants. Acts reckless. You envy that. You want to be that way too. So you get closer to him. You knew all along that it was a bad idea, but the little voice in you tells you go ahead. Lose control, be carefree for once.

Jack drew you in...he knows how. He knows you are use to getting what you want. All he has to do is play push/pull. Pull you in, then push you away.

 

You aren't really attracted to Jack..just what he represents. Reckless abandon. You got in too deep. Most women tend to put an emotional edge on relationships. You worked closely with Jack on projects. You began to know about his life. You developed a relationship with him. You thought you could handle it and keep him at bay. You flirted with him to draw him in, but Jack's a player....he knew exactly what to do. He knew he could never really have you...he just wanted the sex. You just wanted to be reckless for a while.

 

You are not made like most men. You cannot just have sex without some sort of emotional tie....so now you are deeply infatuated with Jack.

 

You planned this trip. You both did. It was your week sexfest that you both looked forward to. You planned to share a room. It probably was away from the rest of the group.But posting here knocked a little sense into you.

 

You have ruined your marriage because you have ruined yourself. A marriage needs 2 healthy partners. All of what you did, the lies and betrayal, are not going to be worth it. You could have been the same way with your husband if you would have communicated with him. Now Jack the Lad has another notch on his bedpost and you, in the future, could lose your marriage.

[LifeWasted]

You won't be able to hide this forever. After you emerge from the fog, you will feel guilt. That guilt will build and build inside you over the ensuing years, until it starts to erode you from within. It will manifest itself in physical and emotional ways. You will get sick. You will start acting out emotionally OR you will withdraw emotionally. You will build up resentment against your husband for reasons you wont be able to understand. It will destroy your relationships. The guilt will eventually rot your insides out and the rot will spread to all other aspects of your life.

[Confused48]

You won't be able to hide this forever. After you emerge from the fog, you will feel guilt. That guilt will build and build inside you over the ensuing years, until it starts to erode you from within. It will manifest itself in physical and emotional ways. You will get sick. You will start acting out emotionally OR you will withdraw emotionally. You will build up resentment against your husband for reasons you wont be able to understand. It will destroy your relationships. The guilt will eventually rot your insides out and the rot will spread to all other aspects of your life.

 

This is not necessarily true. I wish it were true for the sake of her BH and for the sake of justice. However, there are plenty of people that can bury this kind of thing forever. Just look at Jack the lad. And no, not just men do that. There are plenty of women too. Our OP here is doing her best to become a female Jack the lad. She may very well succeed. We can't know, from where we sit, if she will or not.

[SoulStorm]

I Was always a “Good woman” too.

 

You could become one again.....right now though, this site has guidelines and I can't say what type of woman you Are.

[jbrent890]

You won't be able to hide this forever. After you emerge from the fog, you will feel guilt. That guilt will build and build inside you over the ensuing years, until it starts to erode you from within. It will manifest itself in physical and emotional ways. You will get sick. You will start acting out emotionally OR you will withdraw emotionally. You will build up resentment against your husband for reasons you wont be able to understand. It will destroy your relationships. The guilt will eventually rot your insides out and the rot will spread to all other aspects of your life.

 

She won't feel any guilt and if she does, it won't last. I think a lot of cheaters that don't disclose have to convince themselves to feel guilty. The thing is they know the truth and we know the truth. When you cheat and don't disclose, they are doing exactly what they set out tomdo. Cheat and don't get caught. Confessing goes against that plan, which is why the majority don't confess.

[LifeWasted]

This is not necessarily true. I wish it were true for the sake of her BH and for the sake of justice. However, there are plenty of people that can bury this kind of thing forever. Just look at Jack the lad. And no, not just men do that. There are plenty of women too. Our OP here is doing her best to become a female Jack the lad. She may very well succeed. We can't know, from where we sit, if she will or not.

 

Its awful to think there are people this cold. Sub-human is what I call them.

[Mr. Lucky]

Today took a turn. I found out through the grapevine that AP isn’t sick at all (A Matter which is being dealt with by his manager) That he spent the night with some girl he picked up also working at this event. He doesn’t know I know this, saw him earlier and asked why he was here and he said “OH I feel so much better I will work on”. Then messaged me to say he would have an early night tonight. No doubt with her.

I don’t know why this surprises me, kick in the guts for sure

 

Oh my heavens, he's cheating on you :eek: !!!!

 

Mr. Lucky

[SoulStorm]

Oh my heavens, he's cheating on you :eek: !!!!

 

Mr. Lucky

Yep.....filling his weekly quota. He'll probably have another before they leave.

 

 

Maybe it will be Giraffe again...who knows

[tom670]

Yep.....filling his weekly quota. He'll probably have another before they leave.

 

 

Maybe it will be Giraffe again...who knows

 

He'll be the office STD:confused:

[harrybrown]

You have built a wall between you and your H.

 

You have been keeping secrets and you are lying and hiding.

 

So with this wall that you will continue to build between you and your H, your marriage will not stand the distance you have put between the two of you.

 

It will never be the same, because you know you pulled something on him and he did not know. So your disrespect for him will grow and grow.

 

If you do want your marriage, you need to go NC with the OM, and one of you needs to change jobs.

 

Your H can feel the wall that you have built to protect your lies and cheating. He will not probably tell you, but he feels the distance between you.

 

Good luck, I hope you can start tearing down the wall and be open with your H. He deserves that. If you can't quit the cheating, then tell him and be free to see your child on a part-time basis. You will be free to do what you want and will not have to worry about the vows you made.

 

But this lifestyle may be fun for the moment, but in the long run, you will find a new AP that will cheat on you. You someday may feel the pain that your H feels when he finds out.

 

I hope you find a way to write him a timeline so he will find out from you and not someone else.

 

Good luck, and I hope you find peace.

[C_Ting]

Harrybrown, you are so right, my good Lord, if DH ever did anything to harm himself over this I would be devastated. He adores me and our child.

 

Wrong. He adores a figure of you that you have shown him. If he knew that you are capable of this would he still adore you?

 

He doesn't know the real you. Are you going to be satisfied every time he tells you he loves you, knowing in your heart that you can't be sure he truly would if he was aware of who you really are and what you have done?

 

The only way to get out of this is by refusing to lie anymore. The truth is the only thing that will fix your life right now. Not just truth for your husband but for yourself and for your AP. Until you are ready for that you will continue to ride this rollercoaster.

 

You justify lies way too easily. Being authentic will go a long way to filling that void you are filling with the AP right now.

[beach]

You must be back home by now, yes?

[Giraffe2014]

I got home yesterday. Since my last post AP was in my social company but we didn’t speak. DH was delighted to have me home as was our child, its good to be home, its good to close the door on the past week and months. Last week was the only time AP ever shared the same bed for the night and as I lay beside my husband last night I felt so empty and sad inside. The clear feeling of guilt. I shared a bed with another man. That is very very wrong on so many levels. I cant fix this all at once, so first thing Monday morning I will call the STI clinic to get an appointment ASAP. I am actively seeking new employment, but in the interim AP and me no longer have to work together (For now) so I can easily go days without seeing him due to that and my other travelling commitments. Out of sight, and mind so I can rebuild.

As I was never chasing AP, I was chasing a younger version of me, partying and excitement in place of love and stability and this fueled my excessive partying and alcohol consumption. So with that alcohol needs to go for the foreseeable future also. I have embarked so many times on a quest to straighten myself out only to fall the minute I had a drink.

I know I should tell DH. I do know this, I cant do this, not now anyway and I know this has serious risks and implications.

[A.Moscote]

I am actively seeking new employment...

Good. Now at last you are going to act in a more concrete way. Give it your best.

 

Words and blind hope doesn't get you anywhere, especially after they've failed so many times, this last business trip is a clear example. Guilt, moral, sincerity doesn't mean anything if they are just on the tongue.

 

Again, bantering the same advice, confessing is among the best method to avoid repeating the same thing. Oh only if you hate repeating the same thing more than divorce.

 

Be patient and good luck Gir.

[SoulStorm]

I got home yesterday. Since my last post AP was in my social company but we didn’t speak. DH was delighted to have me home as was our child, its good to be home, its good to close the door on the past week and months. Last week was the only time AP ever shared the same bed for the night and as I lay beside my husband last night I felt so empty and sad inside. The clear feeling of guilt. I shared a bed with another man. That is very very wrong on so many levels. I cant fix this all at once, so first thing Monday morning I will call the STI clinic to get an appointment ASAP. I am actively seeking new employment, but in the interim AP and me no longer have to work together (For now) so I can easily go days without seeing him due to that and my other travelling commitments. Out of sight, and mind so I can rebuild.

As I was never chasing AP, I was chasing a younger version of me, partying and excitement in place of love and stability and this fueled my excessive partying and alcohol consumption. So with that alcohol needs to go for the foreseeable future also. I have embarked so many times on a quest to straighten myself out only to fall the minute I had a drink.

I know I should tell DH. I do know this, I cant do this, not now anyway and I know this has serious risks and implications.

 

You know, I was really hoping this was a troll thread. You had us watch you go play by play watching you betray your husband and your child. Even though we didn't have to watch, do you realize how painful that was for the betrayed here to watch?

 

We tried to stop you..we tried to give you advice, but you were hell bent on one final fling and what good did it do you?

Your DH didn't deserve and doesn't deserve to be treated like this.

He needs to know the truth

 

You won't have a true marriage if you don't confess, and you might not have one after and if you confess.

 

You need some help...your boundaries are non-existent. You need to get a handle on that. If not for you or your husband, you need to at least for your child.

 

If youth is gone...so be it. You can't go back and capture it through reckless behavior. It only makes a mature person look immature.

 

This was awful to watch. You say you Was a good woman....I hope you find her again

[Noirek]

OP I wouldn't confess until you are working somewhere else and doing all the things they say you are supposed to. If you are going to confess. But I would get on that quick because what is in my opinion far worse than not confessing is waiting five to ten years to do so. If a person is going to swallow the guilt and work through their issues on their own they better commit to not telling for life and hope it never gets back to their spouse another way. And absolutely no bedside confessions. Those are the one type of confession I would never agree with.

[merrmeade]

OP I wouldn't confess until you are working somewhere else and doing all the things they say you are supposed to. If you are going to confess. But I would get on that quick because what is in my opinion far worse than not confessing is waiting five to ten years to do so. If a person is going to swallow the guilt and work through their issues on their own they better commit to not telling for life and hope it never gets back to their spouse another way. And absolutely no bedside confessions. Those are the one type of confession I would never agree with.

I don't agree with any of this. It would convey to your husband - WHEN he finds out - and very much IS simply another calculation behind his back. Whether he divorces you or reconciles, each layer of duplicity you add to YOUR history makes YOU less capable of a handling mature relationship between equals. Such relationships are based on vulnerability and trust. You just shot that to smithereens.

[Noirek]

I don't agree with any of this. It would convey to your husband - WHEN he finds out - and very much IS simply another calculation behind his back. Whether he divorces you or reconciles, each layer of duplicity you add to YOUR history makes YOU less capable of a handling mature relationship between equals. Such relationships are based on vulnerability and trust. You just shot that to smithereens.

 

However, if she is still employed at the same place as OM her confession means nothing. When I said get on it quick I mean read the pinned post at the top, write out the timeline and have it ready, quit her job and then tell. Today. Or at least in a week. Confessing before quitting is in my opinion a bad move. But I suppose every BS reacts differently. She can tell him she plans to take no support from him regardless of her job status.

 

"I quit my job and have something to tell you" sounds a lot better than "I cheated with a coworker, time to go to work"

 

I totally get that people would think five to ten year confessions are better than none but in the case of the OP saying she wasn't going to confess yet I wanted her to realize what a big commitment it is to not confess and if she was going to it better be sooner rather than later.