Cant move on emotionally after Co-Worker Affair

[road]

At the same time you just posted a day ago or so about a guy who discover at 75, an infidelity from 50 years Prior.

 

That's about 18250 nails in the coffin before its nailed shut. She believes if she tells tomorrow, it's over tomorrow.

 

Sure that guy at 75 suddenly said his 50 years were a lie, but were they really? Most great marriages don't last 15 years.

 

Sometimes a cliche is just a cliche.

 

 

Where's the link?

 

 

About a year ago there was a Italian man in his 90's that just found out his wife cheated on him about 50 years ago and he divorced her.

[road]

Soulstorm – I need to do this right! It is with my greatest intent to do so. If I could fast forward my life 3 months to see what would life would be life would be great. I cant do that anymore than rewind it to decide not to start this in the first place. Yes, he’s nothing but good my DH. He is the best husband and father a woman could ask for.

My closest girlfriend (2 of them have been with me throughout this all) said its hard to stand by and let me of all people allow a guy like him treat me in such a way. Betrayal of husband is one thing she said but to let someone treat you with such disregard over and over is questionable beyond belief.

Itmustbeme – I don’t want a divorce. I have always been more sociable than DH. This hasn’t been an issue for either of us, him happy to allow me to party more has never been a problem. Then I overstepped the mark and changed in more way than one.

This was never truly about the sex, yes it was good with AP, as is with DH. Very different.

 

 

Your friends do not have healthy mental values.

 

 

They think that you married and cheating on your BH is bad. Though the OM is worse then you because he is cheating on you. OM is not even married to you.

[Confused48]

Giraffe,

 

You done some very bad things, awful. To your credit you admit this and feel guilt. Doing bad things does not necessarily mean you are a bad person.

 

Do the right thing and tell your H. Don't do it if you think it will save your marriage, it might, but that is not the reason to do it. Sure, if he finds out on his own, your marriage will be less likely to survive than if you tell him yourself. But the real reason you should tell him is it is the right thing to do. Even if you had a crystal ball and could know for sure that by telling him your marriage would end, you should tell and you know it. You know that you owe him that much. You really owed him fidelity or a divorce if you could not be faithful. Having failed that, you now owe him the truth. Regardless of how it affects you. Stop being selfish right now. Be a good person and tell him.

 

If you don't, you will likely become a truly evil person. You will go future and further downhill. Until eventually your H will see you for the evil wretch that you will become and your marriage will end then or become something totally unrecognizable.

[beach]

Saw this and thought it applied to the OP:

 

 

 

Suffering is necessary until you realize it is unnecessary.

 

 

-Eckhart Tolle-

[SoulStorm]

Where's the link?

 

 

About a year ago there was a Italian man in his 90's that just found out his wife cheated on him about 50 years ago and he divorced her.

road...you are right...I think I got the age wrong

[HereNorThere]

It's probably best to go ahead and start detaching from your husband making sure you have your ducks in a row financially. You aren't going to confess, but I have very little doubt that he will not find out. You're just too much of a mess, too careless, to think that you'll get a way with this. It's only a matter of time before this blows up, so at least make sure you have alternate housing and your money situation taken care of.

 

We've been right about everything else so far and you haven't taken our advice. Now is a good time as ever to start listening.

[turnera]

he’s nothing but good my DH. He is the best husband and father a woman could ask for.

 

My closest girlfriend (2 of them have been with me throughout this all) said its hard to stand by and let me of all people allow a guy like him treat me in such a way. Betrayal of husband is one thing she said but to let someone treat you with such disregard over and over is questionable beyond belief.

I'm confused. How can he be the best husband/father ever, and still treat you poorly? Which is it?

[itmustbeme]

I'm confused. How can he be the best husband/father ever, and still treat you poorly? Which is it?

 

You have it wrong. The Husband is the best ever but she is sleeping with her OM. The OM is not treating her right because he is also sleeping with other women. Her and her friends are upset with the OM treatment of her. Hope this clears it up.

[Mr. Lucky]

My closest girlfriend (2 of them have been with me throughout this all) said its hard to stand by and let me of all people allow a guy like him treat me in such a way.

 

Wise and ancient Chinese expression - easy for 3 people to keep a secret as long as 2 of them are dead.

 

Giraffe, afraid it's only a matter of time til DDAY for you as the number of friends and people at work know what you're doing. You might prepare your self...

 

Mr. Lucky

[Confused48]

Wise and ancient Chinese expression - easy for 3 people to keep a secret as long as 2 of them are dead.

 

Giraffe, afraid it's only a matter of time til DDAY for you as the number of friends and people at work know what you're doing. You might prepare your self...

 

Mr. Lucky

 

And think about this, what kind of friend would stay friends with some one doing something so evil to her husband? If they were good people themselves they would not want to have anything to do with the OP at this point. So since they are by definition, undesirable people themselves, how likely is it that they are going to take the OP's secret to their graves?

[autumnnight]

Giraffe, it isn't just you...or your friends....or the people at the conference....or even the OM himself. There are a whole bevy of people on the internet who have nothing better to do than figure out who cheaters are. You REALLY need to tell your husband. And NO, I am NOT saying anything about what I would ever do. I do not even know you or your husband, so sanity dictates this really /ISN't my business. But you have really put yourself at risk. The BEST thing you could do is talk to your hubby TONIGHT and lay everything out.

[fellini]

This is your perspective written as doctrine. It is simply not true that she MUST do anything.

 

She can risk continuing the affair, and understand the consequences.

 

She can stop cheating, turn her life around, and focus on getting what she gets outside, inside her marriage.

 

She can tell him all, the turn around in her life is suddenly for nothing, and her husband gets to live in pain for the rest of his life. More consequences.

 

She can keep it to herself. Life with the guilt eventually forgive herself and move on - rather than making this the work for her BH and perhaps spend the rest of her marrage with a deep dark secret. She would not be the first to do that. More consequences.

 

She can keepit to herself, fix herself and quietly leave her marriage. More consequences.

 

Each decision she makes has its own set of consequences. now she has to continually choose and accept the risk each has for her in the short and long term.

 

What you are clearly wrong about is that she HAS NO CHOICE BUT TO TELL. You cannot tell someone their affair is all about their choices and then tell them they have no choices.

 

Let's imagine she takes your "advice" and tells her husband "the truth" because you say this is the only way to save their marriage (rather dubious logic)

 

So she tells him what? Everything. The whole 9 yards? Okay. Done.

 

Now we have a problem. Because a completely honest confession will include this very thread. And if you think her H is going to read these pages and want his WW back - because they too are the truth - you are sadly mistaken.

 

The infidelity during the business trip is the straw on her sordid story. And the pain from seeing how she adamantly refused to heed perfectly good advise against doing so could be more difficult to get past than everything that came before. This will come not at the beginning but when the storm is settling and he starts to ask how it all could have been prevented and if his wife can ever be trusted to make the right choices for their marriage. He doesn't need to read half of this thread. No man is going to read such detail in a wife's desire for self destruction and get past it. There is no affair fog here. There is no compartmentalization in this story. Her marriage is over.

 

Choices and consequences. These are the two things any wayward needs to learn to grasp or there is no marriage to speak of.

 

Every thing she does and has done has been a choice. Including doing nothing.

 

 

 

 

Giraffe, it isn't just you...or your friends....or the people at the conference....or even the OM himself. There are a whole bevy of people on the internet who have nothing better to do than figure out who cheaters are. You REALLY need to tell your husband. And NO, I am NOT saying anything about what I would ever do. I do not even know you or your husband, so sanity dictates this really /ISN't my business. But you have really put yourself at risk. The BEST thing you could do is talk to your hubby TONIGHT and lay everything out.

Edited March 30, 2015 by fellini

[Marchhare]

This is your perspective written as doctrine. It is simply not true that she MUST do anything.

 

She can risk continuing the affair, and understand the consequences.

 

She can stop cheating, turn her life around, and focus on getting what she gets outside, inside her marriage.

 

She can tell him all, the turn around in her life is suddenly for nothing, and her husband gets to live in pain for the rest of his life. More consequences.

 

She can keep it to herself. Life with the guilt eventually forgive herself and move on - rather than making this the work for her BH and perhaps spend the rest of her marrage with a deep dark secret. She would not be the first to do that. More consequences.

 

She can keepit to herself, fix herself and quietly leave her marriage. More consequences.

 

Each decision she makes has its own set of consequences. now she has to continually choose and accept the risk each has for her in the short and long term.

 

What you are clearly wrong about is that she HAS NO CHOICE BUT TO TELL. You cannot tell someone their affair is all about their choices and then tell them they have no choices.

 

Let's imagine she takes your "advice" and tells her husband "the truth" because you say this is the only way to save their marriage (rather dubious logic)

 

So she tells him what? Everything. The whole 9 yards? Okay. Done.

 

Now we have a problem. Because a completely honest confession will include this very thread. And if you think her H is going to read these pages and want his WW back - because they too are the truth - you are sadly mistaken.

 

The infidelity during the business trip is the straw on her sordid story. And the pain from seeing how she adamantly refused to heed perfectly good advise against doing so could be more difficult to get past than everything that came before. This will come not at the beginning but when the storm is settling and he starts to ask how it all could have been prevented and if his wife can ever be trusted to make the right choices for their marriage. He doesn't need to read half of this thread. No man is going to read such detail in a wife's desire for self destruction and get past it. There is no affair fog here. There is no compartmentalization in this story. Her marriage is over.

 

Choices and consequences. These are the two things any wayward needs to learn to grasp or there is no marriage to speak of.

 

Every thing she does and has done has been a choice. Including doing nothing.

 

Granted the advice you offer it's sound, but there are other factors.

1. Coworkers know of her cheating.

2. Two supposed friends know of her cheating.

3.AP (a drug addict) bedded different partners (how dare he) and could

. a. Given OP an STD

. b. As mentioned use blackmail.

. c. Be a jerk and inform betrayed husband.

4. Betrayed Husband already is suspicious.

5. Because of possible STD OP, has to withhold sex because she could infect dear husband. How will she explain that?

6. Her supposed guilt will gnaw at her, she is no longer who she was. Her selfishness and narcissism has destroyed her. BH will see this change.

 

It is time for the OP to put her betrayed family first. It is only a matter of time before he learns of her cheating.

 

Too many people know.

 

It is only a matter of time.

 

While your advice is good. There are too many issues for her not to confess and hope to rebuild.

Edited March 30, 2015 by Marchhare
.

[autumnnight]

This is your perspective written as doctrine. It is simply not true that she MUST do anything.

 

She can risk continuing the affair, and understand the consequences.

 

She can stop cheating, turn her life around, and focus on getting what she gets outside, inside her marriage.

 

She can tell him all, the turn around in her life is suddenly for nothing, and her husband gets to live in pain for the rest of his life. More consequences.

 

She can keep it to herself. Life with the guilt eventually forgive herself and move on - rather than making this the work for her BH and perhaps spend the rest of her marrage with a deep dark secret. She would not be the first to do that. More consequences.

 

She can keepit to herself, fix herself and quietly leave her marriage. More consequences.

 

Each decision she makes has its own set of consequences. now she has to continually choose and accept the risk each has for her in the short and long term.

 

What you are clearly wrong about is that she HAS NO CHOICE BUT TO TELL. You cannot tell someone their affair is all about their choices and then tell them they have no choices.

 

Let's imagine she takes your "advice" and tells her husband "the truth" because you say this is the only way to save their marriage (rather dubious logic)

 

So she tells him what? Everything. The whole 9 yards? Okay. Done.

 

Now we have a problem. Because a completely honest confession will include this very thread. And if you think her H is going to read these pages and want his WW back - because they too are the truth - you are sadly mistaken.

 

The infidelity during the business trip is the straw on her sordid story. And the pain from seeing how she adamantly refused to heed perfectly good advise against doing so could be more difficult to get past than everything that came before. This will come not at the beginning but when the storm is settling and he starts to ask how it all could have been prevented and if his wife can ever be trusted to make the right choices for their marriage. He doesn't need to read half of this thread. No man is going to read such detail in a wife's desire for self destruction and get past it. There is no affair fog here. There is no compartmentalization in this story. Her marriage is over.

 

Choices and consequences. These are the two things any wayward needs to learn to grasp or there is no marriage to speak of.

 

Every thing she does and has done has been a choice. Including doing nothing.

 

I'm not exactly sure what I did to you and when. OBVIOUSLY she doesn't HAVE to do anything. But for most people, incuding people on LS, keeping an A secret that probably everyone who was at that conference knows about by now is going to be tough. And every BH who has commented on confession vs being caught that I have read says that confession is pereferable for recovery.

 

I aplogize for whatever dreadful thing I did to you, but maybe you should put me on ignore.

[fellini]

I understand that some people know. But the best person to decide if those who know are a risk to her is her, not us.

 

It is simply not true that a friend will tell, eventually.

 

I know my WW had a friend who was kept up to date continuously during her EA turned PA. And could do nothing to stop her, but was never going to tell me. Of course once I knew, and I knew she knew, she was all apologetic and agreed that next time she would inform me directly. But not in a million years was she going to tell me about it before I found out. It just works that way with some friends / family.

 

The OP is weighing the risk of being found out for unforseen reasons with losing her marriage for telling directly. It's a common problem, and there are some here who say, like myself, if you are able to keep it private, don't blow it open to shift the pain entirely onto the unsuspecting BH.

 

 

 

Too many people know.

 

It is only a matter of time.

 

While your advice is good. There are too many issues for her not to confess and hope to rebuild.

[fellini]

No there is nothing personal here.

 

The fact is that LS is a double edged sword.

 

There is this massive monolithic: TELL TELL TELL (a mantra that cannot be supported in all and every case)

 

There is another massive monolithic: 100% truth hold nothing back lay it all out there or your reconciliation is fake (another questionable point. As I say, there are truths here (first part) that will interfere with the second (reconciliation)

 

and there is the clincher: BH's (we have here a WW, not a WH) get the same monologue about how IT IS IMPOSSIBLE TO RECONCILE WITH A WW.

(Just notice the difference in threads when the WS is a WW and when it is a WH (we have two here right now and the WH is loving the attention to his recovery after 45 pages.

 

So it's a bit of a catch 22 isnt it. She tells, because BS's tell her to, and then her husband comes in and most of those same people tell him NOT TO BOTHER RECONCILING BECAUSE IT WONT STICK. And those that don't will call him a wimp for taking her back.

 

This is the visible hypocrisy of LS that will never go away.

 

I'm not exactly sure what I did to you and when. OBVIOUSLY she doesn't HAVE to do anything. But for most people, incuding people on LS, keeping an A secret that probably everyone who was at that conference knows about by now is going to be tough. And every BH who has commented on confession vs being caught that I have read says that confession is pereferable for recovery.

 

I aplogize for whatever dreadful thing I did to you, but maybe you should put me on ignore.

Edited March 30, 2015 by fellini

[autumnnight]

No there is nothing personal here.

 

The fact is that LS is a double edged sword.

 

There is this massive monolithic: TELL TELL TELL (a mantra that cannot be supported in all and every case)

 

There is another massive monolithic: 100% truth hold nothing back lay it all out there or your reconciliation is fake (another questionable point. As I say, there are truths here (first part) that will interfere with the second (reconciliation)

 

and there is the clincher: BH's (we have here a WW, not a WH) get the same monologue about how IT IS IMPOSSIBLE TO RECONCILE WITH A WW.

(Just notice the difference in threads when the WS is a WW and when it is a WH (we have two here right now and the WH is loving the attention to his recovery after 45 pages.

 

So it's a bit of a catch 22 isnt it. She tells, because BS's tell her to, and then her husband comes in and most of those same people tell him NOT TO BOTHER RECONCILING BECAUSE IT WONT STICK. And those that don't will call him a wimp for taking her back.

 

This is the visible hypocrisy of LS that will never go away.

 

Ya know...you have a point. And I don't think it is an accident. The same people who villify a BH for reconciling and put all WW's in the same evil box are typically silent regarding WH.

[Marchhare]

Ya know...you have a point. And I don't think it is an accident. The same people who villify a BH for reconciling and put all WW's in the same evil box are typically silent regarding WH.

 

Yes, and it is a good one fellini has. Infidelity and the consequences thereof is not equal based on sex. WH's are cut more slack than WS's. The good ol' boy attitude, sad to say.

My comment would apply to any WS. The point is there are too many people who know about the cheating, the BS is suspicious. The OP can't have relations until the STD test is done. The apparent emotional upheaval is gnawing at the OP.

It is inevitable that one day BS will learn of it. For BS's, it seems, to learn voluntarily before being outted the odds for reconciliation is much higher. Also in case of divorce, much more amicable.

OP is afraid to reveal for fear of divorce. I understand. But it would be better to learn about the betrayal from the OP instead of the many other options.

Of course it is OP's choice, just as it is BS choice when the infidelity is discovered.

There is no magic or easy answer for OP. But OP should put family and BS first and allow BS the choice whether to give up or reconcile.

[autumnnight]

Quote:

Originally Posted by autumnnight View Post

Ya know...you have a point. And I don't think it is an accident. The same people who villify a BH for reconciling and put all WW's in the same evil box are typically silent regarding WH.

Yes, and it is a good one fellini has. Infidelity and the consequences thereof is not equal based on sex. WH's are cut more slack than WS's. The good ol' boy attitude, sad to say./QUOTE]

 

At least you admit it. It's a ridiculous and pathetic viewpoint, but at least YOU are honest about it.

[stillafool]

Deep down I know you're right I don't need this superficial bull. Destined by my own virtue to be miserable. Ap is a different fish, he does this all the time with no remorse and while he's not married or had kids he's in a 11 year relationship. I still don't want him though, my husband and I have a far better connection with lots in common me and him was solely excitement and sex. If I do really stop this can I fix my life and go back to being a decent woman or mother or am I just a player now I've done it once?

 

Naw, I doubt it is in you to become a decent woman. You and AP are cut from he same cloth. Just free your poor husband so he can find a decent woman. I doubt you two have anything in common unless of course he's a dishonest cheater as well.

[atreides]

No there is nothing personal here.

 

The fact is that LS is a double edged sword.

 

There is this massive monolithic: TELL TELL TELL (a mantra that cannot be supported in all and every case)

 

There is another massive monolithic: 100% truth hold nothing back lay it all out there or your reconciliation is fake (another questionable point. As I say, there are truths here (first part) that will interfere with the second (reconciliation)

 

and there is the clincher: BH's (we have here a WW, not a WH) get the same monologue about how IT IS IMPOSSIBLE TO RECONCILE WITH A WW.

(Just notice the difference in threads when the WS is a WW and when it is a WH (we have two here right now and the WH is loving the attention to his recovery after 45 pages.

 

So it's a bit of a catch 22 isnt it. She tells, because BS's tell her to, and then her husband comes in and most of those same people tell him NOT TO BOTHER RECONCILING BECAUSE IT WONT STICK. And those that don't will call him a wimp for taking her back.

 

This is the visible hypocrisy of LS that will never go away.

 

 

Are these the same posters? I mean there are posters that have consistency as in always divorce. But i think everyone has bias which as in what relates. The threads i have participated in are very diverse in opinion such as one very long one where the debate raged on of "dont be a wimp" vs "divorce her" and such. Not all posts there actually help the original posters.

 

I remember your last post about taking a break from LS hypocrisy about a cheating self loving wayward husband getting props for banging as many women as he can. For me, why bother, they won't listen, they are sensationalizing themselves further.

 

the OP stated

If I do really stop this can I fix my life and go back to being a decent woman or mother or am I just a player now I've done it once?

 

I think this is the biggest dynamic on LS in that of "permanent labels" and there is probably sex bias, but our actions define as long as we allow them to, by that, we fix ourselves and are better for it and thus you are not a "player."

[Mr. Lucky]

No man is going to read such detail in a wife's desire for self destruction and get past it. There is no affair fog here. There is no compartmentalization in this story. Her marriage is over.

 

Choices and consequences. These are the two things any wayward needs to learn to grasp or there is no marriage to speak of.

 

Her marriage is over as a result of her actions, not the telling of those actions.

 

I might unfortunately contract a terminal disease. From there, it's a question of biology independent of any disclosure from my doctor to me. It wouldn't be the diagnosis that eventually kills me...

 

Mr. Lucky

[Giraffe2014]

Almost 4 days since the trip ended and there has been zero contact, TG. I’ve had two late social nights since coming home and had a few drinks and had zero temptation to make contact. I think I needed this trip to be done to truly move forward. DH and I are connected well, minus sex, which is a challenge.

Yes, two of my girlfriends have known about it from the start. The fear of being caught heightens even time I open my eyes in the morning. I have such a strong fear now, I am avoiding sex completely till I get tested and I am on tenterhooks. He will feel this from me and I do feel close to abnormal! I don’t want to get caught, I want healing to move on with my life, with my child and husband.

The friends are not ok with what I am doing. Not at all, they have detached from him a lot to support me and have been hitting brick walls with their advice. Because like any bad habit or addiction, you don’t give up because someone tells you to, you give up when you want to only.

A lot of comments have left the characters of my friends under question, these girls and I have shared a lot, the good bad and the ugly and friends don’t walk away from each other at times of need. They don’t agree with it, but they are advising and helping me through it. We support each other, that’s what a friendship is, their loyalties are to me and helping me to get back on track

[sammy7111]

Did you cheat with him on the trip?

[SoulStorm]

Almost 4 days since the trip ended and there has been zero contact, TG. I’ve had two late social nights since coming home and had a few drinks and had zero temptation to make contact. I think I needed this trip to be done to truly move forward. DH and I are connected well, minus sex, which is a challenge.

Yes, two of my girlfriends have known about it from the start. The fear of being caught heightens even time I open my eyes in the morning. I have such a strong fear now, I am avoiding sex completely till I get tested and I am on tenterhooks. He will feel this from me and I do feel close to abnormal! I don’t want to get caught, I want healing to move on with my life, with my child and husband.

The friends are not ok with what I am doing. Not at all, they have detached from him a lot to support me and have been hitting brick walls with their advice. Because like any bad habit or addiction, you don’t give up because someone tells you to, you give up when you want to only.

A lot of comments have left the characters of my friends under question, these girls and I have shared a lot, the good bad and the ugly and friends don’t walk away from each other at times of need. They don’t agree with it, but they are advising and helping me through it. We support each other, that’s what a friendship is, their loyalties are to me and helping me to get back on track

You are doing this the wrong way...that's all I'm going to say