Cant move on emotionally after Co-Worker Affair

[Giraffe2014]

Diezel-Fair point, he did nothing wrong, nothing at all. Inside out, the perfect man should he exist is my husband. Yet people like me are people like me and clearly I chased the madness, the badness and here I am now.

Fellini – Also true, we have no control over others; we do our best to judge, no doubt my husband thinks I am a good woman. If one day the shoe is on the other foot and I am cheated on, it wont be because I did anything wrong, people make their own choices.

Herenorthere – True. People are not remorseful at all. People are faithful, people are diverse, and different and that’s how it is the world over. I’m not the worst, or the best. But of course whats been done is very wrong.

Merrmeade – To come back to the “Stunningly beautiful” reference, this was used early on by me to paint a picture of me. Its not what defines us and I’ve never given into temptation before. I thought I could control this situation, take a bit of banter and flattery and walk away. It went deeper than that and my ego came out fighting. I’m not telling my husband as it would shatter him. I plan to work on me, to be a better wife and mother and refocus to where I was before this. I was a faithful, hard-working good mother and I don’t think I need to spend my entire life paying for that or hating myself and my character. And I don’t want to comment on your relationship, as this isn’t what you’ve asked of me or my thread, but I wish you all the best of luck with that.

I only mentioned my child so that it was apparent there was one as well as a husband. I don’t want to discuss my child here, not his age, or anything about him. We adore each other. End of.

Noirek – I do agree with a lot of what you say too – I wouldn’t be here If I was entirely cold and calculated. I came for advise from a diverse group of people experienced in hurting and being hurt. I accept the battering I’ve gotten, being accused of being a hoax post on a few occasions was when I was close to visiting here, but as far fetched as it sounds, as I sound, its all really (Unfortunately). In my heart of hearts, I agree. If I was coming back from this trip intent on continuing with this I would have to walk away from my marriage. But no, it stops now. It stops because I love my husband, I truly do and I see AP for the true character he is. I know I said I would stop a million times but deep down I knew this trip had to happen and Let it happen. Its now done. I have an STI appointment, and am actively searching for work (Cant afford not to work to just quit).

Clam – I cant get an appointment or test results immediately BUT I can go private to get an appointment tomorrow (Still have to wait 2 weeks for results as some of the diseases need incubation time or something, not sure)

 

To sign off and say something else egotistical; being honest, this is where I speak my mind and again, I apologise in advance if I cause offense but, I am back from the trip several days now. I knew in my heart of hearts this was the end of the affair. The sole basis of it was largely based on this trip. And I haven’t heard anything from him. I would have expected a courteous message being honest “Hope you arrived home safe, blah blah generic”. He doesn’t know if I’m dead or alive. And I know he never truly cared for me. But that’s disrespect, that’s a nice, albeit minor taste of disrespect and I can tell you now, it doesn’t taste nice.

[Marchhare]

Diezel-Fair point, he did nothing wrong, nothing at all. Inside out, the perfect man should he exist is my husband. Yet people like me are people like me and clearly I chased the madness, the badness and here I am now.

Fellini – Also true, we have no control over others; we do our best to judge, no doubt my husband thinks I am a good woman. If one day the shoe is on the other foot and I am cheated on, it wont be because I did anything wrong, people make their own choices.

Herenorthere – True. People are not remorseful at all. People are faithful, people are diverse, and different and that’s how it is the world over. I’m not the worst, or the best. But of course whats been done is very wrong.

Merrmeade – To come back to the “Stunningly beautiful” reference, this was used early on by me to paint a picture of me. Its not what defines us and I’ve never given into temptation before. I thought I could control this situation, take a bit of banter and flattery and walk away. It went deeper than that and my ego came out fighting. I’m not telling my husband as it would shatter him. I plan to work on me, to be a better wife and mother and refocus to where I was before this. I was a faithful, hard-working good mother and I don’t think I need to spend my entire life paying for that or hating myself and my character. And I don’t want to comment on your relationship, as this isn’t what you’ve asked of me or my thread, but I wish you all the best of luck with that.

I only mentioned my child so that it was apparent there was one as well as a husband. I don’t want to discuss my child here, not his age, or anything about him. We adore each other. End of.

Noirek – I do agree with a lot of what you say too – I wouldn’t be here If I was entirely cold and calculated. I came for advise from a diverse group of people experienced in hurting and being hurt. I accept the battering I’ve gotten, being accused of being a hoax post on a few occasions was when I was close to visiting here, but as far fetched as it sounds, as I sound, its all really (Unfortunately). In my heart of hearts, I agree. If I was coming back from this trip intent on continuing with this I would have to walk away from my marriage. But no, it stops now. It stops because I love my husband, I truly do and I see AP for the true character he is. I know I said I would stop a million times but deep down I knew this trip had to happen and Let it happen. Its now done. I have an STI appointment, and am actively searching for work (Cant afford not to work to just quit).

Clam – I cant get an appointment or test results immediately BUT I can go private to get an appointment tomorrow (Still have to wait 2 weeks for results as some of the diseases need incubation time or something, not sure)

 

To sign off and say something else egotistical; being honest, this is where I speak my mind and again, I apologise in advance if I cause offense but, I am back from the trip several days now. I knew in my heart of hearts this was the end of the affair. The sole basis of it was largely based on this trip. And I haven’t heard anything from him. I would have expected a courteous message being honest “Hope you arrived home safe, blah blah generic”. He doesn’t know if I’m dead or alive. And I know he never truly cared for me. But that’s disrespect, that’s a nice, albeit minor taste of disrespect and I can tell you now, it doesn’t taste nice.

 

OP, you knew all this before you went on the trip, this is old news being rehashed over and over again. The only person you have offended is your husband.

You keep talking about your heart of hearts that this is the end, but this is again things all have heard before. Now you can't have sex with your husband for fear of an STD yet, you still talk about your AP continuously.

You never responded to Merrmeade's question:

 

But you don't need to assume the BS's sensors are aroused; OP has said as much a number of times. BH even apologized for asking her questions and being suspicious. I'm glad this came up because I realized that OP never told us her part in that conversation with BH. I'd like to know how she handled his apology for being suspicious. I'm going to have a hard time if she says she actually accepted it and "forgave" him for suspecting her of having an affair. I think this would be MOST instructive for OP, too.

Giraffe? How about it? Did you 'forgive' him for asking if you were having an affair? All I remember that you reported was something like, "Whew, almost got caught but foiled him that round!"

Outright lying? Well, of course, she is!

 

You know OP, I would bet my entire house payment the next time you are around AP, you will forget all this, and fall right back into his arms.

 

If one day the shoe is on the other foot and I am cheated on, it wont be because I did anything wrong, people make their own choices.

 

You actually wrote this???? I find it laughable. Not because you did anything wrong, how self serving. LMFAO

 

To come back to the “Stunningly beautiful” reference, this was used early on by me to paint a picture of me. Its not what defines us

 

It defines you, you continually refer to it.

 

But no, it stops now. It stops because I love my husband, I truly do and I see AP for the true character he is. I know I said I would stop a million times but deep down I knew this trip had to happen and Let it happen. Its now done. I have an STI appointment

 

So for the amount of time you spent partying, and enjoying your drug addicted AP, you admit you let it happen where earlier you didn't want it to happen. You blew smoke up the butts of all the good people trying to help you. Now you may have and STI, Was it worth it OP?

Apparently it was, how much longer can BH go wondering why you won't have sex with him? And speaking of child, what happens to child when you are caught? Will you want custody, or will you take that away from your BH too?

 

Regardless whether you disgust the people here, the question is do you in your narcissistic behavior disgust YOU. I don't see anything redeemable about you, and it won't be too much longer before you are found out.

 

So make sure you let us know when your D-Day is.

 

I must admit you are a piece of work. Noirek has you pegged. The thing is with Noirek, I know she cheated, and she is upset, and concerned she is a bad person and do it again, but in all honesty, I don't think she would do it again. She beats herself up, but somehow I believe in her whether she does or not, I a perfect strange believes in her that she won't do it again, and she will work through it. She is something else, but I like her something else.

 

You however, I do not.

[fellini]

No need to peel away any layers on what I said. I said exactly what I said.

 

That you are one of those that refuses to accept that telling is not the only option is clear enough. What I don't understand is the insistence to rephrase and twist a post you disagree with to demonstate your point. Make your point about telling and leave me out of it. I standd behind my position, go ahead and stand behind yours, but please do not presume to paraphrase me if your only intention is to mock me with your believe in the limitless capacities to be wrong.

 

 

 

 

 

 

So if you peel away the layers, your reason for advising her not to tell is that her conduct (within the framework of marriage) is so reprehensible that her relationship wouldn't survive the revelation? And her H benefits from non-disclosure in not being asked to do the work involved in reconciliation? I'll just say human beings have an almost infinite capacity to come up with the right reasons for doing the wrong things...

 

Mr. Lucky

[merrmeade]

It's a start. You opened yourself up and that is to be commended. You took a lot of battering.

 

We're all works-in-progress. None of our beginnings, middles and ends are the same; we're not the same. And I do not not hold my marriage up as anything desirable. Not even close. You can judge us whenever you like. The context was honesty between partners, and my husband is far from exemplary - Ha! what a laugh! - even with what he's delivered. But I'll take it any day over rug-sweeping because "it would shatter" me. This was our past. The reason is this: By not telling me, he delivered unpardonable injury by taking away my choices.

This is what you are doing to your husband. He has already been cheated on. You cannot change that by not telling him. You think you can make it up by being better for the rest of your lives together, but by deciding FOR him that he must stay with you,

you have taken away his choices and, therefore, his autonomy over his own life

. Once you make this decision for him, he becomes your prisoner. You can never give him back the right to choose his own future as a result of your actions. You have delivered this blow whether he knows it or not.

 

I hope you remember this later. It is a pivotal injury and the only way to redress it is to give him the knowledge of what you have done.

[Giraffe2014]

I really mean it this time though! Pathetic as it may sound, I had to get that trip done. I hoped I would stay away and didn’t. No more temptation or opportunity will I give this and with that effect and my need to get past it will end. It HAS ended.

Apologies’ for not answering that question, I overlooked it. When he apologized, I accepted it. We joked about it afterwards. Ya it was horrendous.

Marchhare, in all fairness LYAO all you like, these are my thoughts and how I feel. Huge laughing matter alright. Glad I entertained you. Something positive out of all this.

I talk about AP, about DH, about it all, without them being talked about what is the point of the thread?!

Compare me to Noirek (Whom I do not know, haven’t seen her posts) but I wonder if she was ever at my stage before she moved on to where she is now?

To be honest your post is partial bullying. Ya of course I’ll take custody from husband, WTF, if this ends, if my marriage is gone, what has that got to do with my child/father relationship? Really? I’m not evil, therefore I would never keep a child from the father who adores him.

[fellini]

No need to peel away any layers on what I said. I said exactly what I said.

 

That you are one of those that refuses to accept that telling is not the only option is clear enough. What I don't understand is the insistence to rephrase and twist a post you disagree with to demonstate your point. Make your point about telling and leave me out of it. I standd behind my position, go ahead and stand behind yours, but please do not presume to paraphrase me if your only intention is to mock me with your believe in the limitless capacities to be wrong.

 

 

 

 

 

 

So if you peel away the layers, your reason for advising her not to tell is that her conduct (within the framework of marriage) is so reprehensible that her relationship wouldn't survive the revelation? And her H benefits from non-disclosure in not being asked to do the work involved in reconciliation? I'll just say human beings have an almost infinite capacity to come up with the right reasons for doing the wrong things...

 

Mr. Lucky

[Giraffe2014]

It was not my intention to rephrase or change anything anyone has said. I didn't realise that if I didn't make reference to something verbatim it was deemed twisted and changed. Point taken

[Mr. Lucky]

I standd behind my position, go ahead and stand behind yours, but please do not presume to paraphrase me if your only intention is to mock me with your believe in the limitless capacities to be wrong.

 

Thought I chose my wording carefully as my intent was simply to (strongly!) disagree. If you though I was "mocking", I apologize for making you feel that way.

 

For the OP, just as there is no "little bit pregnant", there's no middle ground on this. There is simply tell or don't tell.

 

And while each of those choices are problematic in their own way, one is clearly more right and more fair than the other. You've mentioned the A has caused you to feel badly about yourself, to have low self-esteem. The answer? - do esteemable things...

 

Mr. Lucky

[merrmeade]

OP, you knew all this before you went on the trip, this is old news being rehashed over and over again. The only person you have offended is your husband.

You keep talking about your heart of hearts that this is the end, but this is again things all have heard before. Now you can't have sex with your husband for fear of an STD yet, you still talk about your AP continuously.

You never responded to Merrmeade's question:

 

 

 

You know OP, I would bet my entire house payment the next time you are around AP, you will forget all this, and fall right back into his arms.

 

If one day the shoe is on the other foot and I am cheated on, it wont be because I did anything wrong, people make their own choices.

 

You actually wrote this???? I find it laughable. Not because you did anything wrong, how self serving. LMFAO

 

Post #1 - ... my husband is doing all he can to get "Us" back after confronting me about my changed behaviour, are you having an affair conversations.

 

#97 - Husband has questioned me, even apologized for questioning me once we sat down and had a proper chat a couple weeks back. Ya know what, he probably is doing some digging, I’d do well to be very careful as I am in the process of stopping this.

 

#190 - I can't know for sure he hasn't hired a PI.

[harrybrown]

Diezel-Fair point, he did nothing wrong, nothing at all. Inside out, the perfect man should he exist is my husband. Yet people like me are people like me and clearly I chased the madness, the badness and here I am now.

Fellini – Also true, we have no control over others; we do our best to judge, no doubt my husband thinks I am a good woman. If one day the shoe is on the other foot and I am cheated on, it wont be because I did anything wrong, people make their own choices.

Herenorthere – True. People are not remorseful at all. People are faithful, people are diverse, and different and that’s how it is the world over. I’m not the worst, or the best. But of course whats been done is very wrong.

Merrmeade – To come back to the “Stunningly beautiful” reference, this was used early on by me to paint a picture of me. Its not what defines us and I’ve never given into temptation before. I thought I could control this situation, take a bit of banter and flattery and walk away. It went deeper than that and my ego came out fighting. I’m not telling my husband as it would shatter him. I plan to work on me, to be a better wife and mother and refocus to where I was before this. I was a faithful, hard-working good mother and I don’t think I need to spend my entire life paying for that or hating myself and my character. And I don’t want to comment on your relationship, as this isn’t what you’ve asked of me or my thread, but I wish you all the best of luck with that.

I only mentioned my child so that it was apparent there was one as well as a husband. I don’t want to discuss my child here, not his age, or anything about him. We adore each other. End of.

Noirek – I do agree with a lot of what you say too – I wouldn’t be here If I was entirely cold and calculated. I came for advise from a diverse group of people experienced in hurting and being hurt. I accept the battering I’ve gotten, being accused of being a hoax post on a few occasions was when I was close to visiting here, but as far fetched as it sounds, as I sound, its all really (Unfortunately). In my heart of hearts, I agree. If I was coming back from this trip intent on continuing with this I would have to walk away from my marriage. But no, it stops now. It stops because I love my husband, I truly do and I see AP for the true character he is. I know I said I would stop a million times but deep down I knew this trip had to happen and Let it happen. Its now done. I have an STI appointment, and am actively searching for work (Cant afford not to work to just quit).

Clam – I cant get an appointment or test results immediately BUT I can go private to get an appointment tomorrow (Still have to wait 2 weeks for results as some of the diseases need incubation time or something, not sure)

 

To sign off and say something else egotistical; being honest, this is where I speak my mind and again, I apologise in advance if I cause offense but, I am back from the trip several days now. I knew in my heart of hearts this was the end of the affair. The sole basis of it was largely based on this trip. And I haven’t heard anything from him. I would have expected a courteous message being honest “Hope you arrived home safe, blah blah generic”. He doesn’t know if I’m dead or alive. And I know he never truly cared for me. But that’s disrespect, that’s a nice, albeit minor taste of disrespect and I can tell you now, it doesn’t taste nice.

 

 

Why do you even think about the POSOM? Do you think about your H?

 

Are you putting more energy and effort into thinking about your marriage and you dear H?

 

Your H is way more man than the OM. Why are you not spending all your energy trying to stay with a wonderful H like that than wasting your time and energy on the OM?

 

With all of your thinking about the OM, you still are keeping that wall up and your H out. Start tearing down your wall with your H before it is too late.

 

You do not even realize that you have put so much space between you and your H.

[fellini]

It was not my intention to rephrase or change anything anyone has said. I didn't realise that if I didn't make reference to something verbatim it was deemed twisted and changed. Point taken

 

The reference is to the poster in my post, not you. I think you misinterpreted this

[Marchhare]

Post #1 - ... my husband is doing all he can to get "Us" back after confronting me about my changed behaviour, are you having an affair conversations.

 

#97 - Husband has questioned me, even apologized for questioning me once we sat down and had a proper chat a couple weeks back. Ya know what, he probably is doing some digging, I’d do well to be very careful as I am in the process of stopping this.

 

#190 - I can't know for sure he hasn't hired a PI.

 

Exactly my point Merrmeade thank you. And apparently I struck an emotional chord with my apparent bullying.

 

Compare me to Noirek (Whom I do not know, haven’t seen her posts) but I wonder if she was ever at my stage before she moved on to where she is now?

To be honest your post is partial bullying. Ya of course I’ll take custody from husband, WTF, if this ends, if my marriage is gone, what has that got to do with my child/father relationship? Really? I’m not evil, therefore I would never keep a child from the father who adores him.

 

And its apparent she doesn't read all the posts, only the ones who stroke her ego, just like her AP. Noirek posted here. See #391.

 

Yep and when they divorce she will take his child.

[merrmeade]

Originally Posted by merrmeade

Post #1 - ... my husband is doing all he can to get "Us" back after confronting me about my changed behaviour, are you having an affair conversations.

 

#97 - Husband has questioned me, even apologized for questioning me once we sat down and had a proper chat a couple weeks back. Ya know what, he probably is doing some digging, I’d do well to be very careful as I am in the process of stopping this.

 

#190 - I can't know for sure he hasn't hired a PI.

Exactly my point Merrmeade thank you. And apparently I struck an emotional chord with my apparent bullying.

Actually, the only thing you can take away for sure was that the husband is suspicious and, therefore, D-day might be closer than she thinks.

 

Not that she's obliged to share anyway because, strictly speaking, it's not on-topic. Strictly speaking. She just declared off-limits any topic that does not have direct connection with the initial thread post, ie, her attraction to AP and fear of slipping up on the trip (nevermind that neither goal was achieved).

 

LS responders have been just as adamant that infidelity's far-reaching repercussions cannot be compartmentalized or sealed off from the whole. I think most of us see the parts inextricably tied together so we address all aspects, whether asked for it or not. In that way, knowing that an entire family is affected by infidelity, I asked about your relationship with your child. I understand your explanation and respectfully withdraw the question.

 

As far as your husband is concerned, I know you're hoping the time won't come. My point is that, if (when) it does, your husband will see through any more lies. So the best help you could get, in my opinion, is anticipating the questions he'll ask and answering them as honestly as possible to yourself right now. You think that the truth will "shatter" your husband, so you seal off the information, then sweep it under the rug for all time, which is tantamount to lying to yourself. Yet, I know that WSs who are caught also admit that 'protecting' their spouse was an excuse to avoid a highly charged, negative experience. The being-caught nightmare is more abhorrent to them than the being truthful ideal is compelling. Anyway, as far as the truth causing your husband to "shatter," I predict he will agree with Mr. Lucky that it's "a result of [your] actions, not the telling of those actions."

 

If you've had enough, giraffe, it's understandable. You've exposed a lot here and we all know the answer. After all, you don't want to get caught; you said so repeatedly. You also said that he asked you point blank, "Are you having an affair?" Therefore, since you obviously weren't caught, that means you answered him with "no" and other lies that you feel could not be avoided. So that's not a question.

 

I also assume, but do not know for sure, that you must have forgiven him when he apologized for asking, but I really don't know. I do not withdraw this question, which was asked earlier and repeated by Marchhare. I consider that - in your mind - this simple clarity, regarding the significance of your responses to your partner's unwarranted trust in you, is vital to yours and your husband's future happiness, and that this will be so whether you're together or apart.

 

You don't have to answer, of course, though that will be taken as an answer. You could also, as before, get defensive about something else and avoid answering altogether...

Edited April 1, 2015 by merrmeade

[Confused48]

Mer, She did answer you about forgiving her H for accusing her of having an affair. Look for it. It was interesting.

 

As for her thinking about how to honestly answer the questions of her H on Dday,,, lol. Seriously? If anything, she is thinking of how to minimize and gaslight him on Dday. If I understand her at all I know this to be true about her.

[fellini]

Well seeing as how total strangers have read her story and written her off completely, it must make sense to you that telling the husband is going to result in worse, after all he has an investment in their relationship. So maybe it's both, she doesn't want to get caught and she doesn't want to burden him with what the truth will do to him (aside from what he will do to her).

 

She wouldn't be the first to hold this attitude.

 

Telling. Hmmmm. As a BH I can tell you the time to tell has long past. my WW needed to talk the day she felt something notright with another man. That is when she began to live a lie. I will not engage others in this argument but I refuse to accept the axiom often thrown around here that her BH is living a lie. Be very careful with such phrases that get repeated enough that they take on cult status. Say what you will, but that phrase is wrongheaded.

 

When my WW did not speak to me about her sudden contact with the man who later became her AP, her moment to tell the truth passed. Everything after that was a lie and so you can scream at this OP about confession all you like. Her time to come clean is long gone.

 

The problem is that the confession is a value, and always will be first and foremost a value. A moral. And unfortunately for those who have wittingly or not internalised the hegemony of the confession - whether you are religiousious or not - the truth is there are other ways to recover value and quality in ones life.

 

Let's just put this in plain sight to see what the words look like:

 

The only way to save your marriage is to confess.

 

 

Surely rational thinking, experienced, progressive, intuitive, creative, simple or whatever kind of person you are can see the absurdity of this postulate. Confession is just one option. Like Cheating was, like monogamy, like suicide, like murder, like abandoning a loved one, like stealing like lying like telling the truth. Just a choice we need to make or not make.

 

The point is for her to find HER own way to save HER marriage and live with it. If it doesn't work out for her, that's life.

 

 

 

 

 

Actually, the only thing you can take away for sure was that the husband is suspicious and, therefore, D-day might be closer than she thinks.

 

Not that she's obliged to share anyway because, strictly speaking, it's not on-topic. Strictly speaking. She just declared off-limits any topic that does not have direct connection with the initial thread post, ie, her attraction to AP and fear of slipping up on the trip (nevermind that neither goal was achieved).

 

LS responders have been just as adamant that infidelity's far-reaching repercussions cannot be compartmentalized or sealed off from the whole. I think most of us see the parts inextricably tied together so we address all aspects, whether asked for it or not. In that way, knowing that an entire family is affected by infidelity, I asked about your relationship with your child. I understand your explanation and respectfully withdraw the question.

 

As far as your husband is concerned, I know you're hoping the time won't come. My point is that, if (when) it does, your husband will see through any more lies. So the best help you could get, in my opinion, is anticipating the questions he'll ask and answering them as honestly as possible to yourself right now. You think that the truth will "shatter" your husband, so you seal off the information, then sweep it under the rug for all time, which is tantamount to lying to yourself. Yet, I know that WSs who are caught also admit that 'protecting' their spouse was an excuse to avoid a highly charged, negative experience. The being-caught nightmare is more abhorrent to them than the being truthful ideal is compelling. Anyway, as far as the truth causing your husband to "shatter," I predict he will agree with Mr. Lucky that it's "a result of [your] actions, not the telling of those actions."

 

If you've had enough, giraffe, it's understandable. You've exposed a lot here and we all know the answer. After all, you don't want to get caught; you said so repeatedly. You also said that he asked you point blank, "Are you having an affair?" Therefore, since you obviously weren't caught, that means you answered him with "no" and other lies that you feel could not be avoided. So that's not a question.

 

I also assume, but do not know for sure, that you must have forgiven him when he apologized for asking, but I really don't know. I do not withdraw this question, which was asked earlier and repeated by Marchhare. I consider that - in your mind - this simple clarity, regarding the significance of your responses to your partner's unwarranted trust in you, is vital to yours and your husband's future happiness, and that this will be so whether you're together or apart.

 

You don't have to answer, of course, though that will be taken as an answer. You could also, as before, get defensive about something else and avoid answering altogether...

[merrmeade]

Mer, She did answer you about forgiving her H for accusing her of having an affair. Look for it. It was interesting.

 

As for her thinking about how to honestly answer the questions of her H on Dday,,, lol. Seriously? If anything, she is thinking of how to minimize and gaslight him on Dday. If I understand her at all I know this to be true about her.

I did look for it. That's all I found. What post number?

 

Of course, she is not being honest or going to be. Being honest about something right here right now is a start. She won't do it.

[jbrent890]

Well seeing as how total strangers have read her story and written her off completely, it must make sense to you that telling the husband is going to result in worse, after all he has an investment in their relationship. So maybe it's both, she doesn't want to get caught and she doesn't want to burden him with what the truth will do to him (aside from what he will do to her).

 

She wouldn't be the first to hold this attitude.

 

Telling. Hmmmm. As a BH I can tell you the time to tell has long past. my WW needed to talk the day she felt something notright with another man. That is when she began to live a lie. I will not engage others in this argument but I refuse to accept the axiom often thrown around here that her BH is living a lie. Be very careful with such phrases that get repeated enough that they take on cult status. Say what you will, but that phrase is wrongheaded.

 

When my WW did not speak to me about her sudden contact with the man who later became her AP, her moment to tell the truth passed. Everything after that was a lie and so you can scream at this OP about confession all you like. Her time to come clean is long gone.

 

The problem is that the confession is a value, and always will be first and foremost a value. A moral. And unfortunately for those who have wittingly or not internalised the hegemony of the confession - whether you are religiousious or not - the truth is there are other ways to recover value and quality in ones life.

 

Let's just put this in plain sight to see what the words look like:

 

The only way to save your marriage is to confess.

 

 

Surely rational thinking, experienced, progressive, intuitive, creative, simple or whatever kind of person you are can see the absurdity of this postulate. Confession is just one option. Like Cheating was, like monogamy, like suicide, like murder, like abandoning a loved one, like stealing like lying like telling the truth. Just a choice we need to make or not make.

 

The point is for her to find HER own way to save HER marriage and live with it. If it doesn't work out for her, that's life.

 

Then I have to ask, what type of life do you think her husband is living? He asked if she was cheating on him, she said no, so she lied. He believes his wife is monogamous to him, she isn't, so that's a lie. Forgive me, but I'm having a hard time understanding your mindset. In terms of confession, it would be one thing if he did not want to know or didn't suspect anything, but that is not the case. He called her out on it, which to me tells me at a certain level he wants to know. Wouldn't it make more sense to rug sweep his feelings if he did not want know? I may be wrong, but I'm getting the sense that you think confession should not be employed because it doesn't help the WS. If that's the case, doesn't that sound kind of selfish to you? Because it wouldn't improve her quality of life, she should keep it to herself. Confession is about giving the BS a choice. You said that would have preferred to have never found out your wife cheated, that's fine and that's your choice. If you have a BS that would want to know, which is what I think we have here, then I think it is wrong to take that choice away from him.

[fellini]

First of all we know next to nothing about the husband.

 

If a husband asks his wife if she is cheating, how can you say he believes his wife is monogamous. I dont know about you but if I ask my wife if she is having an affair, I first have to capable of believing it, and second by asking it, I am already entertaining the possibility.

 

Now if a man asks a woman if she is having (not capable, not thinking about, but actually having) how can he expect the truth? If she is in an affair the lies began before the question.

 

This is really not the thread to explain my reasons why I did not want to know.

 

Let me see if I can put it simply.

 

I did not want to know IF the affair my WW was having brought her to see a truth about herself and a recognition that she chose an option that is not a legitimate option to resolve her internal issues. If a WS is able to turn around and get back on track I don't believe it is necessary for confession. But even in my wife's case, she lacked the capacity

to even end her A. She clearly required me to make the choice for her.

 

If OP is genuinely recognising that the person she has become is the person she does not longer wish to be, then she needs some serious work on her issues, and should be encouraged to do so. This does not require a confession.

 

Like others I believe she gains a leg up, a small advantage really, for confessing if the story of her affair is about to come to light. But truthfully, I see very little hope for this wayward because of the full extent of her refusal to stop something when she already demonstrated she was morally aware of the consequences.

 

If people were to be honest here they would recognise that even if she confesses, he husband will not make it past 6 months. When the details and the whys come out, she will be a divorced ww and the issues that she needs to resolve are the same.

 

Morally she should just leave her marriage, but that doesn't seem to be on the table for her either.

 

Presumably we have a spouse that does not want to learn that the truth is his wife cheated, by which I only mean it's got to be his biggest fear.. If she cared about him enough to confess, she wouldn't have cheated and then cheated again.

 

 

Then I have to ask, what type of life do you think her husband is dliving? He asked if she was cheating on him, she said no, so she lied. He believes his wife is monogamous to him, she isn't, so that's a lie. Forgive me, but I'm having a hard time understanding your mindset. In terms of confession, it would be one thing if he did not want to know or didn't suspect anything, but that is not the case. He called her out on it, which to me tells me at a certain level he wants to know. Wouldn't it make more sense to rug sweep his feelings if he did not want know? I may be wrong, but I'm getting the sense that you think confession should not be employed because it doesn't help the WS. If that's the case, doesn't that sound kind of selfish to you? Because it wouldn't improve her quality of life, she should keep it to herself. Confession is about giving the BS a choice. You said that would have preferred to have never found out your wife cheated, that's fine and that's your choice. If you have a BS that would want to know, which is what I think we have here, then I think it is wrong to take that choice away from him.

Edited April 1, 2015 by fellini

[Mr. Lucky]

I did not want to know IF the affair my WW was having brought her to see a truth about herself and a recognition that she chose an option that is not a legitimate option to resolve her internal issues. If a WS is able to turn around and get back on track I don't believe it is necessary for confession.

 

Just trying to understand.

 

If, on her own, your WW was able to address the issues that led her to cheat, you would prefer not to have known she was unfaithful ???

 

Mr. Lucky

[beach]

I don't think the OP would need to confess IF she changed her behavior by never interacting with AP again.

 

 

But since we have evidence that she isn't capable of controlling herself and will likely do it again - I believe the H should know what she does - who he's REALLY married to. Not who he thinks she is.

 

After knowing her truth - then at least he has a choice and he has more power over what happens to his future based on reality not fantasy.

[Giraffe2014]

So AP came by my desk this morning, all normal and chatting. Asked if I got home ok, said was fine, very blasé. He started to talk about our last night together and I said as far as I’m concerned it didn’t happen, told him I never want to speak of it, of the past few months again. He was taken aback. Then abruptly I said “See ya around” and off I went.

While I look for a new job I wont be in the same office as him much (Odd day here and there) for the remainder of the month.

I apologize if I sometimes don’t answer questions, often I try to figure out the many acronyms and get confused. Probably noted I use full words more or less here as I cant get my head around all the acronyms, so if I miss a question and am called out on it, happy to address it, just not intentional. (But I’ve learned a lot of them now!)

Harrybrown-I do talk about AP a lot. I know this. This is why I came here. But now that’s in the past and this will become apparent to everyone involved and people here.

Fellini-I realized you referred to another poster in that comment – sorry for the mix up on my part too.

Marchhare – If we divorce I will not take my child from an adoring father. Utter nonsense. What have either of them done wrong? That comment makes no sense to me.

Merrmeade – DH has been suspicious, hes not entirely unsuspicious now but we have moved forward a lot since I started to post here. And until I omit AP completely my behavior wont return to anything near normal. He became suspicious because of my distance and unusual behavior.

And if he does confront me I will never be ready. I could preempt his questions, but I wont rehearse them.

And when he asked if I was seeing someone else, I said no, of course I am not. I didn’t ask him to apologize for asking, he did apologize however.

I have learned this past week or so that AP is what he is (Many derogatory words my friends have used to all I refused to hear) and I am a joke. Hes not a fraction the man my husband is, hes incapable of that. I never wanted HIM though. Now if I am STI free, I will try my dam-nest to repair my marriage, and bury this secret as immoral as this is, I do know this. But that is my plan.

[Confused48]

I did look for it. That's all I found. What post number?

 

Merr - I was being lazy. I hoped OP would tell you herself. Since she did not here it is from post 405. I found it interesting. Very sad. Painful.

 

Apologies’ for not answering that question, I overlooked it. When he apologized, I accepted it. We joked about it afterwards. Ya it was horrendous.

[LifeWasted]

Marchhare – If we divorce I will not take my child from an adoring father. Utter nonsense. What have either of them done wrong? That comment makes no sense to me.

 

You say this now. All wayward wives facing divorce say that they will be fair to their betrayed husbands. That is, until they go to their first consultation with their lawyer. Then the lawyer starts telling them how hard its going to be to live without the husband's money, how they will never get to see the kids, how everything she helped bring to the marriage will be taken from her. The lawyer, being trained in spin, will make the wife feel like she is going to end up in a box under the bridge.

 

Soon, all those good intentions go out the window, and the wayward wife's lawyer goes in front of the judge, vilifies the poor husband, and the jilted husband ends up losing his kid, losing his house, losing half his pension, and gets to live on Top Ramen for the next ten years while working two jobs just to afford child support while his WW sets up housekeeping with another man.

 

I've seen this play out many, many times with guys I know personally. Good guys mind you, who never did anything wrong but love their wives and kids.

Edited April 1, 2015 by LifeWasted

[SoulStorm]

. Now if I am STI free, I will try my dam-nest to repair my marriage, and bury this secret as immoral as this is, I do know this. But that is my plan.

 

What if you are not STI free?

 

I would just assume that your AP doesn't wear protection as much as he could. This means you have been with every woman he has. I am hoping you come out clean for your health's sake. The least you may get is HPV considering AP's track record.

 

Good for you for rebutting him, but now you are a challenge for him. Your new found strength will be put to the test. Time will tell if you really meant it.

Edited April 1, 2015 by SoulStorm

[Marchhare]

You say this now. All wayward wives facing divorce say that they will be fair to their betrayed husbands. That is, until they go to their first consultation with their lawyer. Then the lawyer starts telling them how hard its going to be to live without the husband's money, how they will never get to see the kids, how everything she helped bring to the marriage will be taken from her. The lawyer, being trained in spin, will make the wife feel like she is going to end up in a box under the bridge.

 

Soon, all those good intentions go out the window, and the wayward wife's lawyer goes in front of the judge, vilifies the poor husband, and the jilted husband ends up losing his kid, losing his house, losing half his pension, and gets to live on Top Ramen for the next ten years while working two jobs just to afford child support while his WW sets up housekeeping with another man.

 

I've seen this play out many, many times with guys I know personally. Good guys mind you, who never did anything wrong but love their wives and kids.

 

I guess I misread this LifesWasted:

 

of course I’ll take custody from husband, WTF, if this ends, if my marriage is gone, what has that got to do with my child/father relationship? Really? I’m not evil, therefore I would never keep a child from the father who adores him.