Cant move on emotionally after Co-Worker Affair

[Giraffe2014]

Well we will have to agree to disagree, I'll never keep my child from his father. If I have an sti I come clean. Will have no choice then. And I absolutely know that once ap knows I mean business he will see me as a challenge and make all the attempts to worm his way back in. If I so much as kiss him again I'm walking away from my marriage. It's now or never, it's time to make a decision, it's destroying me playing a double life. Ultimately it will destroy us all definitely if I continue. Who knows maybe now it's not too late entirely. A lot rides on the next few weeks

[Hope Shimmers]

It's now or never, it's time to make a decision, it's destroying me playing a double life.

 

Didn't you already make a decision? Like, several posts (or pages) ago?

 

Ultimately it will destroy us all definitely if I continue. Who knows maybe now it's not too late entirely. A lot rides on the next few weeks

 

What rides on the next few weeks? You sound like you are waiting around for life to happen to you, and you will wait to see what you end up doing. Kind of like the rest of us are doing - except we are just the audience and we can't do anything except watch. Why are you not in charge of you?

 

And why are you saying "if I continue"? Again, I thought you were determined that this was going to stop.

[fellini]

Yes. If in having her affair she realised that what she was doing was really stupid and selfish and based on her problems of entitlement, yes.

 

But of course my wife is not someone who ever saw herself in an affair. is completely able to recognise that this is "not her" - i.e. it is not about my expectations but about her own for herself, for me more important.

 

So the chances of a wake up were there. But her other problem is she is weak. Not every affair is so cut and dry. Some are so convaluted and ugly and destructive to the person doing it that telling/not telling is the least of the worries.

 

so yes. Spare me having to live with this trauma the rest of my days.

 

Just trying to understand.

 

If, on her own, your WW was able to address the issues that led her to cheat, you would prefer not to have known she was unfaithful ???

 

Mr. Lucky

[SoulStorm]

Well we will have to agree to disagree, I'll never keep my child from his father. If I have an sti I come clean. Will have no choice then. And I absolutely know that once ap knows I mean business he will see me as a challenge and make all the attempts to worm his way back in. If I so much as kiss him again I'm walking away from my marriage. It's now or never, it's time to make a decision, it's destroying me playing a double life. Ultimately it will destroy us all definitely if I continue. Who knows maybe now it's not too late entirely. A lot rides on the next few weeks

 

A lot rode on your work trip too. That didn't end well.

[Marchhare]

So AP came by my desk this morning, all normal and chatting. Asked if I got home ok, said was fine, very blasé. He started to talk about our last night together and I said as far as I’m concerned it didn’t happen, told him I never want to speak of it, of the past few months again. He was taken aback. Then abruptly I said “See ya around” and off I went....

 

I have learned this past week or so that AP is what he is (Many derogatory words my friends have used to all I refused to hear) and I am a joke. Hes not a fraction the man my husband is, hes incapable of that. I never wanted HIM though. Now if I am STI free, I will try my dam-nest to repair my marriage, and bury this secret as immoral as this is, I do know this. But that is my plan.

 

Congrats for theoretically finally growing a back bone, albeit six months toooooo late. BUT by engaging your AP(not EX) the way you did, you have presented a challenge as Soulstorm said. He will redouble his efforts to bed you. Are you strong enough to say no? I wonder if you did it that way so he would chase you? Narcissistic behavior, it is logical...

Honestly the best thing you can do is never speak of him or to him again. Focus only on your BH, and child. Good luck with finding a new job.

 

The next paragraph of your own words above speaks a lot.

 

It seems you never had a clue that he is what he is...do you really expect us to believe that???????

And, yes my dear OP you are a joke, and the entire office knows what a joke you are. Do you enjoy all the whisper whisper whispers?

How can you work when all you peers are laughing at you for being a stupid fool? Does your coworkers know your BH?

How will you keep BH from having sex with your stunning outward beautifulness'? How long before he says WTF, and what's going on.

If I sound harsh, it is because not one piece of advice offered here have you followed. It's always all about poor you and the drug addict. Them its woe is me if my superman of a BH finds out what kind of lowlife he married.

 

My harshness will pale compared to the fire your BH will bring down on your head when he finds out. Not if, WHEN. Think about it.

[Marchhare]

Well we will have to agree to disagree, I'll never keep my child from his father. If I have an sti I come clean. Will have no choice then. And I absolutely know that once ap knows I mean business he will see me as a challenge and make all the attempts to worm his way back in. If I so much as kiss him again I'm walking away from my marriage. It's now or never, it's time to make a decision, it's destroying me playing a double life. Ultimately it will destroy us all definitely if I continue. Who knows maybe now it's not too late entirely. A lot rides on the next few weeks

 

You sound like a broken record...

[jsmart]

Merrmeade – DH has been suspicious, hes not entirely unsuspicious now but we have moved forward a lot since I started to post here. And until I omit AP completely my behavior wont return to anything near normal. He became suspicious because of my distance and unusual behavior.

 

Of course BH is suspicious. You were gone all week and no sex when you come back? You don't realize but your body language and the way you're around BH changes and trust us he is noticing. Your poor husband must be racking his brain to figure out what's wrong.

[jsmart]

Almost 4 days since the trip ended and there has been zero contact, TG. I’ve had two late social nights since coming home and had a few drinks and had zero temptation to make contact. I think I needed this trip to be done to truly move forward.

 

I take these were not necessary work related nights or socials with BH there? When are you a mother and a wife? Your husband must be a complete doormat to stand for this. No wonder you're pining away for AP. You need a guy that will do fun things with you but also not take your ****.

 

This guy is doing the push / pull on you and you're eating it up. PUA techniques work. But sadly this will not end well. Soon you'll be a late 30s divorcee single mom. Yea, there's a long line of quality men lining up for that.

[wasabi555]

So AP came by my desk this morning, all normal and chatting. Asked if I got home ok, said was fine, very blasé. He started to talk about our last night together and I said as far as I’m concerned it didn’t happen, told him I never want to speak of it, of the past few months again. He was taken aback. Then abruptly I said “See ya around” and off I went.

While I look for a new job I wont be in the same office as him much (Odd day here and there) for the remainder of the month.

I apologize if I sometimes don’t answer questions, often I try to figure out the many acronyms and get confused. Probably noted I use full words more or less here as I cant get my head around all the acronyms, so if I miss a question and am called out on it, happy to address it, just not intentional. (But I’ve learned a lot of them now!)

Harrybrown-I do talk about AP a lot. I know this. This is why I came here. But now that’s in the past and this will become apparent to everyone involved and people here.

Fellini-I realized you referred to another poster in that comment – sorry for the mix up on my part too.

Marchhare – If we divorce I will not take my child from an adoring father. Utter nonsense. What have either of them done wrong? That comment makes no sense to me.

Merrmeade – DH has been suspicious, hes not entirely unsuspicious now but we have moved forward a lot since I started to post here. And until I omit AP completely my behavior wont return to anything near normal. He became suspicious because of my distance and unusual behavior.

And if he does confront me I will never be ready. I could preempt his questions, but I wont rehearse them.

And when he asked if I was seeing someone else, I said no, of course I am not. I didn’t ask him to apologize for asking, he did apologize however.

I have learned this past week or so that AP is what he is (Many derogatory words my friends have used to all I refused to hear) and I am a joke. Hes not a fraction the man my husband is, hes incapable of that. I never wanted HIM though. Now if I am STI free, I will try my dam-nest to repair my marriage, and bury this secret as immoral as this is, I do know this. But that is my plan.

 

 

The OM is still more decent person than you and your lucky husband get you as the prize for the rest of his life...The OM did not know your husband. His offense was not personal.

 

You cannot even respect your husband to make decisions for himself. You are making sure he gets stuck with a remorseless cheater for the rest of his life. The marriage will never be repaired..Maybe he will find out a few years and then t will be too late to move on or rebuild a new life.

 

He has one life to live and you just polluted it and stole it from him... Please do not say that you love him. Of all the sh*it that comes out of your mouth, this one is the first..

[C_Ting]

And I absolutely know that once ap knows I mean business he will see me as a challenge and make all the attempts to worm his way back in. If I so much as kiss him again I'm walking away from my marriage

 

If you truly believed it yourself there would be no "if" in your statement. ^

 

Because this A is all about ego, It will feel good having him try to worm his way back in, won't it?

 

How do you plan to replace the ego stroking that you are vowing to deny from him? Is there somewhere else you can find something to feel proud of?

 

There must be more to you then your looks and your sexuality. Find ways to get attention for the right things. Things that matter.

Edited April 1, 2015 by C_Ting

[sammy7111]

So you screwed him on the trip. Is that what your saying. And now your husband gets to pay for all your emotions that doesn't sound to fare to him. If you couldn't past this test what makes you think you can pass any test with this guy. Try having some respect for your husband and be honest to him once in your life. As for as your looks I think your a very ugly woman. But you can change that with honest. But your not your going to let this destroy everthing in your life. My hopes and preys go to your husband. I hope when he finds out he can get over you and past this with a new wife.

[jsmart]

The OM is still more decent person than you and your lucky husband get you as the prize for the rest of his life...The OM did not know your husband. His offense was not personal.

 

You cannot even respect your husband to make decisions for himself. You are making sure he gets stuck with a remorseless cheater for the rest of his life. The marriage will never be repaired..Maybe he will find out a few years and then t will be too late to move on or rebuild a new life.

 

He has one life to live and you just polluted it and stole it from him... Please do not say that you love him. Of all the sh*it that comes out of your mouth, this one is the first..

 

I feel really bad for the husband. Reading on this board as well as TAM and SI, I know all about affair sex. She's probably done stuff with this guy that her husband will never get to experience with her.

 

That's what good husbands and father gets. Vanilla sex. All the freaky stuff is for the guy who treats her like dirt.

 

Like so many affairs on this board, she will be found out. Hopefully her BH will be strong and D but the way he allows her to go out drinking and stays home with kid, tell me that he'll try to do an R for the kids sake.

[Giraffe2014]

Hope Shimmers – Because I’ve said this in the past and not followed through all I can say for now is “If” considering I “Went there” just last week. I WILL do it this time. Only I can control me, absolutely. I am going to do this, it has to end now. It HAS Ended.

Marchhare – Great points. But I am not doing this so he will chase me. We can assume he will do this (And its likely) but to be honest hes so cocky he wont come after me due his pride. Its not like he wants ME, so his pride will win out, he will leave it slide and I will be left alone. As for a lot of what people say and have said to me here, often broken record stuff too, I’d never insult them by saying that however, as people are here to work through issues and offer advice, not slam them if they repeat themselves!

My girlfriend said this today, she said “Zero contact”. She said any contact at all opens up the gates for communication and for him to weasel back in. She said if he contacts you, or bumps into you at work, just make your excuses (Sorry, running to a meeting, really busy, whatever). She said don’t even tell him to “Go away” as this engages in conversation and allows reconciliation. Fob him off consistently and never ever engage him in any way again.

Wasabi555 – I was a good wife and will be again. I know that’s hard to believe. I’ve made massive mistakes, and went off the rails for a while. Telling husband will break our family apart. And I know I should have thought of this beforehand. But my job now is the fix the present, going into the future. The past is the past, I cant do anything about it.

Yes, sex with AP and Husband are different - because I play different roles. Had little to do with sex and more to do with the thrill and excitement

Again, I know everyone is willing me to tell husband and is rooting for him. Ya hes a good guy and I deserve to be miserable for eternity for what I’ve done to him. Those who make bad choices deserve to perish-I get it. But I was good for 30 odd years, and bad for 6 months, for that I’m giving me a second chance.

[turnera]

Two things. One, if you truly want it to be over, tell someone at work so that they will be your buffer between OM and you. Like when you tell your family you're quitting smoking and you need their help keeping you clean.

 

Two, how many jobs are you applying for EACH DAY?

[SoulStorm]

But I was good for 30 odd years, and bad for 6 months, for that I’m giving me a second chance.

 

Kind of selfish there in the bold. I suspect your husband is gathering intel for his suspicions of your infidelity. You have been apart from him for a week. It has been 11 days and you defer sex from him. I'm a man and if I was suspicious before, My radar would be blowing up now. Let me break some prophecy to you, you are going to get caught, then your HUSBAND will decide if 30 years against 6 months of infidelity vie a second chance. Remember this....it is not always the infidelity itself that destroys a marriage...it's the blatant lies and deceit....

 

You are going to lose your marriage..

[jbrent890]

But I was good for 30 odd years, and bad for 6 months, for that I’m giving me a second chance.

 

By far the most egotistical thing I have heard on this site, and that is saying a lot. What makes you think that you forgiving yourself and giving yourself a second chance is more important than the person you wronged giving you those things. It must be very easy to forgive yourself when the person you screwed over doesn't even know that they were screwed over. Every man's worse fear is being stuck with a wife like this. Again, I really do hope you get caught. Have fun with that second chance that you did not earn and was not given to you.

[LifeWasted]

"I spent 30 odd years building this amazing life sized Viking long ship from wooden matches. Every day... I spent hours gluing each little match next to another, in neat arrow-straight rows.

 

For over 10,800 days I spent 12 hours a day working on this 60 foot long wooden masterpiece, complete with a carved dragon's head, oars and a mast. Those who saw it marveled, and complimented me on my devotion to committing myself to the completion of this massive project.

 

I was happily planning to go on with my project for another twenty or thirty years. But then, one day, I saw a 4 foot rowboat for sale and wanted it. It was slimy and had a crappy paint job, but I knew it would take me down streams and rivers I had never been before.

 

So I sold my half-finished matchstick longboat to a Japanese collector for $100 and bought the rowboat. That rowboat was fun I tell ya!

 

But I just saw the other day that the Japanese investor sold the longboat to another woman, who was determined to finish what I had started, for $100,000. She obviously treasured it more than I did, because now that longboat is all I think about. I think about all the work I did on it, the setbacks, the victories, the sweat, the tears.. all that commitment...

 

Traded in for a crappy little rowboat."

[beach]

You're so reluctant to draw that boundary, to speak up - that your being passive allows this to happen - and continue.

 

 

Why don't you freaking speak up?!!!! Tell me douchebag to "stay the F away"!!!!!

[Marchhare]

Hope Shimmers – Because I’ve said this in the past and not followed through all I can say for now is “If” considering I “Went there” just last week. I WILL do it this time. Only I can control me, absolutely. I am going to do this, it has to end now. It HAS Ended.

Marchhare – Great points. But I am not doing this so he will chase me. We can assume he will do this (And its likely) but to be honest hes so cocky he wont come after me due his pride. Its not like he wants ME, so his pride will win out, he will leave it slide and I will be left alone. As for a lot of what people say and have said to me here, often broken record stuff too, I’d never insult them by saying that however, as people are here to work through issues and offer advice, not slam them if they repeat themselves!

My girlfriend said this today, she said “Zero contact”. She said any contact at all opens up the gates for communication and for him to weasel back in. She said if he contacts you, or bumps into you at work, just make your excuses (Sorry, running to a meeting, really busy, whatever). She said don’t even tell him to “Go away” as this engages in conversation and allows reconciliation. Fob him off consistently and never ever engage him in any way again.

Wasabi555 – I was a good wife and will be again. I know that’s hard to believe. I’ve made massive mistakes, and went off the rails for a while. Telling husband will break our family apart. And I know I should have thought of this beforehand. But my job now is the fix the present, going into the future. The past is the past, I cant do anything about it.

Yes, sex with AP and Husband are different - because I play different roles. Had little to do with sex and more to do with the thrill and excitement

Again, I know everyone is willing me to tell husband and is rooting for him. Ya hes a good guy and I deserve to be miserable for eternity for what I’ve done to him. Those who make bad choices deserve to perish-I get it. But I was good for 30 odd years, and bad for 6 months, for that I’m giving me a second chance.

 

What do YOU call it when a person won't listen to advice and repeats the same poor choice over and over again??? You never insult, hardly. You've insulted your BH everytime you touched your AP. Zero contact. Wow, how many posts here said the same thing, and now your girlfriend says it and its magic???

Admit it, you had absolutely no intention to stop the A, until AFTER the trip. You lied to everyone here, you WANTED your fling with your AP that week.

Now after making a fool of yourself, partying throwing yourself at his feet your coworkers who also said what a loser this person was are now laughing at your stupidity. So, yes you sound like a broken record.

You also say it's likely he will come after you, then in the next breath, you say it's not likely. Umm, yeah, okay.

You may be sincere now, but the sincerity is tainted by all your lies prior to the trip, and still afterwards. Quit lying that you didn't want to have sex with AP.

You made NO mistakes, none. You made choices, you choose yourself over your husband and child.

How long before BH wonders why he ain't getting any? You'll probably blame him if you have an STD.

 

Truth, and that's not a broken record.

Edited April 1, 2015 by Marchhare

[autumnnight]

Admit it, you had absolutely no intention to stop the A, until AFTER the trip. You lied to everyone here, you WANTED your fling with your AP that week./QUOTE]

 

Ten characters

[twosadthings]

What excuse are you using to keep your husband at arms length while you wait for STD results? Won't he once again be suspicious if you return from a trip away and refuse him romantically?

 

 

Twosadthings

[Mr. Lucky]

My girlfriend said this today, she said “Zero contact”. She said any contact at all opens up the gates for communication and for him to weasel back in. She said if he contacts you, or bumps into you at work, just make your excuses (Sorry, running to a meeting, really busy, whatever).

 

Since the distinction escapes you, I'll point out the obvious- that's not zero contact...

 

Mr. Lucky

[sammy7111]

I really feel sorry for your husband. So you get to have strange sex but he doesn't.

[sammy7111]

If you couldn't hold it together last week with him what makes you think you can anytime.

[merrmeade]

Since the distinction escapes you, I'll point out the obvious- that's not zero contact...

 

Mr. Lucky

They've all been like that for me, but, hey, great restraint. Mr. L. Adds to the effect.

 

I keep wishing for a thumbs down emoticon every time I read one of OP's posts. It would feel so good! If anybody deserves a thumbs down, it's OP. Hey, how about bunnies, Giraffe? Maybe I'll just put bunnies after some of the more absurd posts.

 

It's really been a trip, OP. I've never known anyone as self-absorbed and un-self-aware and as you. It's been a real trip, more surreal than real. Your posts are gems that just keeps giving.

 

Have a bunny, because that makes about as much sense as taking seriously any advice I might be tempted to give you. So, last word?