Cant move on emotionally after Co-Worker Affair

[SoulStorm]

If I was to tell my husband about it, he would never forgive me. Understandably so, he has zero tolerance for cheating. Zero forgiveness. This is why I can never tell him and why I need to turn my life around. I have no idea why I find this so hard. Ok, some idea, working together is a constant reminder of the sneaking round and fun and how desired he made me feel. Desired by him, I know, it makes no sense. He just walked past me with that other one now and my heart sunk. I don’t want to feel this way. I want to feel nothing. I want to move on with my life and feel nothing towards him. I know the contact has to stop. I do know this.

 

I know that the right thing to do is to get through the business trip without a slip up. I know I can have him in my room in a second, hes not the type to turn down sex regardless of the outcome and it would not be a sober meeting(s) lets be honest. I know that’s the wrong thing to do. I know it takes me several steps backwards (Last time I had physical contact was 3rd week in Jan). These are the reasons I need to stand my ground.

I know I will probably want it to happen; this is the trip we talked about so much and the time we would have alone together and that will play on my mind. But I know that if I ignite this again I am another step closer to devastation and hurting my family. I am going to look at it different and with time the need for him will burn out completely. This is all I have. The only plan I have.

Missing the trip is an absolute impossibility, many work related reasons I won’t go into here. That’s not an option for me. We will both be there but we will be two in a group of approx. 800

Herenorthere, your comment made me laugh. And its meant as true sarcasm and my God how true it is. Christ that could be my life. I keep getting realisation moments. I am living in a aromatic fantasy bubble one minute and head is clear the next.

pheonixrisen, your comment is what I need, same to you ChitownD. Christ, I actually think I am mentally deficient or evil. Something not right in my head at all, I need to get professional help. I find myself taking a step back and being shocked at who I have become. As in sad, shocked, afraid even. And then my mind slips a bit and I am forever trying to talk sense to myself.

Husband has questioned me, even apologized for questioning me once we sat down and had a proper chat a couple weeks back. Ya know what, he probably is doing some digging, I’d do well to be very careful as I am in the process of stopping this.

And also I know so well that office boy has done this many times before. He will/is doing it again, its what he does. He will never be anyone’s, just a guy that goes with every woman that he can get his hands on. Even if you did have a “Relationship” with him, you’d never know who you were sharing your bed with. That’s something I’ve never wanted, he goes on that many benders I’d have his bags packed in 4 weeks.

I have a wonderful husband, family, I have it all. I really want to stop, I don’t want to lose it all. I know deleting his number isn’t going to make it all go away. He messaged me a few times today, I ignored them all. He walked into the canteen, I discreetly left. I am trying. And I am starting to try harder. I honestly don’t want to lose what I have. I have no idea why I have become so selfish, self centered, so horrible. Can I ever go back to being me? The happy woman, content?

Your husband deserves better than what you are giving him. So does your children. Think about that when you let OM in your room

[Giraffe2014]

I'm thinking that now. So that I don't let him in my room.

[HereNorThere]

He doesn't have my phone number. He has my work cell only and that is now only during work hours only and won't come home with me again. Of course it will be with me the entire work trip. This is where I need to be careful. We will only have to be in re same social circle one night, my team will be with me for the first time in 6 months so bar the company night ill be with them and management and he will be with his peers.

 

I need to get professional help, I know this has been my first rejection ever. No guy ever rejected me. Ever! How shallow am I?!

 

New job will have to happen. I can't believe I've become obsessed with someone who played me like a fiddle. I feel foolish. I wanted to end it to be the winner but there are no winners only losers. It's going in the right direction I know if I don't get through this work trip, the ultimate test I'm goin to feel a million times worse than I do right now. Like **** for what I've let myself be, to a scumbag and most of all what I again did to my husband. No guys that's it I need to be done.

 

 

This why you need to get into therapy. Dude, this post just reeks of someone with traits of narcissistic personality disorder. You don't "win" people or relationships.

 

See, the odd thing about narcissism is that most people think that narcissists have high self-esteem, but its quite to opposite. It's sad that your ego is fragile that a cokehead cheater's rejection could send you into a life changing death spiral and rob your child of his or her happy home.

 

Make no mistake about it, you will cheat on that trip and your husband is going to find out about all of this. You're just too far gone and probably have been for a very long time.

 

Let me guess, when you get busted you'll pull the "woe is me" card, probably throw out the word suicide somewhere in there, etc? It's almost like you're reading from the NPD handbook at this point.

[Giraffe2014]

There's and element of truth to what you are saying but I don't want anything to happen on that trip. I really don't!

As a perfect stranger I can't see the benefit of

You using reverse psychology against me, so maybe you are just telling me I'm

Deluded. I need help. I genuinely do. Looking at me and my life and the comments here to cement that I really do

 

This why you need to get into therapy. Dude, this post just reeks of someone with traits of narcissistic personality disorder. You don't "win" people or relationships.

 

See, the odd thing about narcissism is that most people think that narcissists have high self-esteem, but its quite to opposite. It's sad that your ego is fragile that a cokehead cheater's rejection could send you into a life changing death spiral and rob your child of his or her happy home.

 

Make no mistake about it, you will cheat on that trip and your husband is going to find out about all of this. You're just too far gone and probably have been for a very long time.

 

Let me guess, when you get busted you'll pull the "woe is me" card, probably throw out the word suicide somewhere in there, etc? It's almost like you're reading from the NPD handbook at this point.

[HereNorThere]

You're deluded if you think I'm using reverse psychology, lol.

[happyman64]

Well of course she is delusional.

 

 

She is having an Affair with a low life sex maniac that is banging numerous other hussies of which she is one of them.

 

 

She has risked a solid marriage, loving husband and family for what? Absolutely nothing.

 

 

It is all about her! Her selfishness. Her ego? Self esteem?

 

 

So yes Giraffe is delusional. She just does not realize it yet.

 

 

Hey Giraffe? Why not invite a trusted friend that can share your room with you the week you are away so you are not tempted to degrade yourself any further?????

[pheonixrisen]

Giraffe 2014 ...Some thing about your numerous post does not sit well ..I can't point out what it is ...but it comes across as you are giving all this pep talk to yourself how you are going to avoid him, not let him in your room etc...I don't think you believe in this pep talk your self ..come that day when he is knocking on your door you will do exactly the opposite you have issues with boundaries which is already proven...

 

If their are 800 people on this trip ..One missing will not make much difference ...but you come across as you cannot wait to go on this trip in fact you are waiting with anticipation of what might happen ...you will find your self waiting for him to knock on your door and when he will you will find yourself in bed with him ..

 

Before my h affair I believed I had zero tolerance for cheaters ..I even had an exit planned after dday. ..but his remorse and hard work to save the marriage paid off and 3 years later I am still here...you should confess to your h. .not go on this trip and work on your marriage .

 

And if this is a game of loosing and winning for you ...you are the only looser you have a family ...A loving h and child/children compared to a coke head with 10 year gf probably suffering in silence.

[Giraffe2014]

Zero contact in work today. It's not till I think about it when I'm on my own that the while thing bothers me, like

Lately I'm the old

Me working and chatting with colleagues and then I'm

Alone with my thoughts and I can't help but think of the "fun". This is quickly met with the realisation and enormity of what ive done. If we continued in we'd surely be caught by now andy world as I know it would be over, exactly what I deserve but never, still don't want. Yet he went from

Hot to cold so quick it's really effected my self esteem. This comment will no doubt bring on abuse from

You guys but its how it is. I know I don't want him, I know my life is getti back to normal and I feel like the old

Me. This was only ever about me wanting to feel desired, attractive, like a mullion dollars despite who gave me that attention and what wrecks me the most is I didn't pull the plug, he got there first. I wanted to do that. Stupid ego. But I don't think of him

Much anymore, my mind can focus on work and other activities unlike when I was knee deep in the affair. Bruised ego aside and the success of this horrid work trip and of course the ole cliche "time" I think I can get back in track. I started this in control thinking it was a game and I could play him like I've done all the others before him. The game I played isn't for married people, and I know this now. Every day I think about it less and every day heals me. Because its left my knocked and I never ever thought it would.

 

Giraffe 2014 ...Some thing about your numerous post does not sit well ..I can't point out what it is ...but it comes across as you are giving all this pep talk to yourself how you are going to avoid him, not let him in your room etc...I don't think you believe in this pep talk your self ..come that day when he is knocking on your door you will do exactly the opposite you have issues with boundaries which is already proven...

 

If their are 800 people on this trip ..One missing will not make much difference ...but you come across as you cannot wait to go on this trip in fact you are waiting with anticipation of what might happen ...you will find your self waiting for him to knock on your door and when he will you will find yourself in bed with him ..

 

Before my h affair I believed I had zero tolerance for cheaters ..I even had an exit planned after dday. ..but his remorse and hard work to save the marriage paid off and 3 years later I am still here...you should confess to your h. .not go on this trip and work on your marriage .

 

And if this is a game of loosing and winning for you ...you are the only looser you have a family ...A loving h and child/children compared to a coke head with 10 year gf probably suffering in silence.

[DKT3]

Like you did all the others before??? That doesn't sound good.

[beach]

You going on that work trip is a BAD idea.

 

And the first group meeting in a bar? You have a problem with alcohol.

 

Mix alcohol and your OM and you WILL sleep with him. He expects it!

 

Make something up! Don't go. That trip will survive without you.

 

Or better yet - quit NOW!

 

Get a new job and don't flirt!

[Mr. Lucky]

But I know that if I ignite this again I am another step closer to devastation and hurting my family.

 

You think like every other cheater, it's amazing how consistent the thought patterns are.

 

The hurt and devastation to your husband and family occurred when you slept with your OM. The disclosure would be hurt and devastation for you.

 

It's pretty easy to see who you're more interested in protecting...

 

Mr. Lucky

[beach]

Have you been tested yet for diseases?

[pheonixrisen]

Like you did all the others before??? That doesn't sound good.

 

Yeah this...This stood out in your post ..how many affairs have you had?? ..If you have done this several times before you are just playing here then.

[SoulStorm]

Well I'm done with this thread, apparently we have a narcissistic serial cheater here. She likes toying with men whether she is married or not. One day you are going to reap what you have sown Giraffe2014 if this is indeed a real post.

[Giraffe2014]

When I refer to the others before, (Not that this makes it any better) I refer to past men in my life. I have never had an ex marital affair before. This is my first and last time.

I can’t explain this well, when I try, I get attacked! But I am attacking myself enough; further digs aren’t helping to be honest. I do appreciate the comments and feedback, I really do. Almost 2 months since this thing ended, the end is almost as long as the affair itself. I keep trying to make sense of it in my head. I need to get away from him. I was stuck in a meeting with him earlier for an hour. A whole hour of not being myself, on edge, unable to concentrate. He is a constant reminder, he’s always there. As long as I keep seeing him, it sets me back. Theres guilt, theres a lot of feeling crap, like I can’t believe I let myself be played, I can’t believe I did this to my husband. Hes stuck in my head now as a painful memory and reminder. Then his latest fling is flapping around like a love struck teenager and my close work colleague that knows all about it is on edge with me, for me. Its not about him, or her, it’s the stupid situation.

I refer to the work trip only because I wish it was done. When that’s over my dealings with him will few and far between and I can truly look to getting out of here and moving forward with my life. I will lose my job if I don’t go on the trip. I need to leave the job with a good record and references to get a new job and support my family. I am confused why its consuming me so much. Its out of character for me, a first and a last. I know hes done it before, is doing it now with someone else and will do it many times more. I should be rejoicing I got out of it free and without consequence. But my mind is stuck in the mud.

I feel let down by myself, I feel like I have lost instead of gained confidence because I let him do this to me. I let this be done to me. I don’t know who I am anymore and that’s a very scary feeling

[SoulStorm]

When I refer to the others before, (Not that this makes it any better) I refer to past men in my life. I have never had an ex marital affair before. This is my first and last time.

I can’t explain this well, when I try, I get attacked! But I am attacking myself enough; further digs aren’t helping to be honest. I do appreciate the comments and feedback, I really do. Almost 2 months since this thing ended, the end is almost as long as the affair itself. I keep trying to make sense of it in my head. I need to get away from him. I was stuck in a meeting with him earlier for an hour. A whole hour of not being myself, on edge, unable to concentrate. He is a constant reminder, he’s always there. As long as I keep seeing him, it sets me back. Theres guilt, theres a lot of feeling crap, like I can’t believe I let myself be played, I can’t believe I did this to my husband. Hes stuck in my head now as a painful memory and reminder. Then his latest fling is flapping around like a love struck teenager and my close work colleague that knows all about it is on edge with me, for me. Its not about him, or her, it’s the stupid situation.

I refer to the work trip only because I wish it was done. When that’s over my dealings with him will few and far between and I can truly look to getting out of here and moving forward with my life. I will lose my job if I don’t go on the trip. I need to leave the job with a good record and references to get a new job and support my family. I am confused why its consuming me so much. Its out of character for me, a first and a last. I know hes done it before, is doing it now with someone else and will do it many times more. I should be rejoicing I got out of it free and without consequence. But my mind is stuck in the mud.

I feel let down by myself, I feel like I have lost instead of gained confidence because I let him do this to me. I let this be done to me. I don’t know who I am anymore and that’s a very scary feeling

Ok..I'll backtrack a little.

 

You posted about how fun and exciting all this was and how you missed all the fun. There was very little in your posts about what this fun was doing to your husband. Just because he doesn't know he's being betrayed doesn't mean you weren't betraying him. That is why your posts are met with vitriol. This is all about you and what you feel. We are nothing more than a sounding board because your feelings got hurt.

 

The real thing going on is your ego has been busted. You got played and can't

believe you fell for it.

 

What about your husband...what about your vows to him?

 

What have you done to his ego that he just doesn't know about yet?

 

What kind of person have you become? It was always the person you were, just hidden until the right circumstances brought it out.

 

If you don't work to change this...you could very well do it again once your self-loathing subsides.

 

You could be a good person, and you want people to believe you are.

 

However what you are doing is not what good people do..some good advice would be to change that. Start being honest with yourself. Start being honest about who you really are. You are a woman capable of the worst kind of betrayal in a marriage. You are a woman capable of lying to her husband. You can be better than that. But you need to start.

[beach]

Your self loathing isn't helping you.

 

Just don't go! Or at least don't attend the bar gathering - don't drink one drop on the trip - AND get a room at a different hotel! And don't interact with him at all if you must go.

 

Or invite hubby to attend with you.

[SearchingForMyself]

Jesus H Christ! Women like the OP is why I fear getting married, even though Id love to have a wife' Listening to her whole me, me, me, speeches is so textbook of narcissists who cant stand being rejected. But the more I witness real life and these forums, the more discouraged I am about marriage, because lots of women I have encountered seem to fall into this category: self entited princesses who have had the world handed to them on a silver platter.

 

Wanna know why she wont tell her husband? It is what men fear: he is a resource, but not a source of attraction. She fears herself losing her husbands financial support and shelter, but doesnt want him sexually. Its absolutely SICKENING

 

He is painted as the quintessential successful but unexciting nice guy while she goes and bangs the stereotypical drugged up bad boy. This is the kind of stuff that makes me terrified of marriage, as well as other men.

 

Because it's starting to become increasingly obvious that if we aren't like these men, we are just going to be milked for our financial resources and nothing more.

 

OP is using her husband's money, and doesnt want to give that up while she cheats and gets her rocks off with someone that practically ignores her. Leaving her husband oblivious to this fact while he spends money and shelter on her is possibly the lowest thing Ive seen a woman do in my lifetime,...and I watch a LOT of ID and seen insurance fraud based murders.

 

A lot of good men are opting out of marriage because lots of women we encounter are like the OP, and with a story like that, can you blame us?

 

She makes the actual good, loyal, healthy women look bad!

 

If you cared anything for your husband, you would stop worrying about whether or not he will divorce you. Should have thought about that before you cheated. Now, if you want some chance, however slim, at saving this, you tell him.

 

Cause no matter what he chooses, OP, you deserve whatever consequence he decides to give you. You cant burn and break this marriage and expect to have a celebration cake to eat. You let your own personal vanity and the wiles of pussy hungry men inflate your ego and blind you to basic f-ing realities! Men dread being used like this. And its becoming so common these days! Especially thanks to social media!

 

"A man loses money chasing women. A man never loses women chasing money."

Edited March 13, 2015 by SearchingForMyself

[pheonixrisen]

Searchingformyself

 

There is an army of women out there for whom lying, cheating , deception, affairs, milking men for money and me me me is not a part of mental makeup ...their loyalty is not depended on opportunity..don't let a handful of them put you off ... (of course this works for both genders)

[Giraffe2014]

Soulstorm,

Thanks for your post – Everything you say is true. From how I view myself, to how I am betraying my husband and child. What kind of person does this to the ones they hold dearest for the sake of a tumble with a bad boy? I know none of it makes sense, and that none of it is right!

Beach, I have to go on this trip, I just need to behave myself. The work agenda is that jam packed I would imagine that after dinner I’ll be tucked up in bed alone every night, I am going to keep myself occupied in other ways, I will burn up my evening energy with the gym, or watching a movie. I have thought about this, actually it’s all I think about I need to be prepared when I get there. My girlfriend told me I have to be armed, prepared and have a plan as affair boy will not leave me in peace without a fight. He won’t be able to contact me on the phone, he won’t know what room I am in, he won’t be cheeky enough to ask me to my face, if he does I will tell him where to go. That I can do.

Searching for himself, I can feel the disgust you have for me, for people, women like me. I get that, I understand you are coming at this from a man’s perspective, of someone who is a good faithful human being who neither understands and least of all condones people and actions such as what I've done. This is fair; I would surely feel like this if the shoe were on the other foot. I’ve never to my knowledge been cheated on; I do not know how this feels, to do not know how it would feel to mistrust my partner. There was a time when affair boy was pressing me to take what we were doing to something official. I obviously didn't entertain this for a minute, but I did think of his girlfriend, and how if I was her I would live my days always on edge, wondering where he was, what he was doing and with whom. Who his latest office fling was. My husband is working, with me or minding our child, his social outings are either with us or with his few select friends, and that is a rarity. His goal is to make me happy, to ensure I have all I need. This only makes my actions even more disgusting, I can’t even say I have a bad husband or am in an unhappy marriage, I have the best man a woman could want. I do love him, I am not intending to use him for financial gain or anything, we are both very financially stable.

[SearchingForMyself]

Soulstorm,

Thanks for your post – Everything you say is true. From how I view myself, to how I am betraying my husband and child. What kind of person does this to the ones they hold dearest for the sake of a tumble with a bad boy? I know none of it makes sense, and that none of it is right!

Beach, I have to go on this trip, I just need to behave myself. The work agenda is that jam packed I would imagine that after dinner I’ll be tucked up in bed alone every night, I am going to keep myself occupied in other ways, I will burn up my evening energy with the gym, or watching a movie. I have thought about this, actually it’s all I think about I need to be prepared when I get there. My girlfriend told me I have to be armed, prepared and have a plan as affair boy will not leave me in peace without a fight. He won’t be able to contact me on the phone, he won’t know what room I am in, he won’t be cheeky enough to ask me to my face, if he does I will tell him where to go. That I can do.

Searching for himself, I can feel the disgust you have for me, for people, women like me. I get that, I understand you are coming at this from a man’s perspective, of someone who is a good faithful human being who neither understands and least of all condones people and actions such as what I've done. This is fair; I would surely feel like this if the shoe were on the other foot. I’ve never to my knowledge been cheated on; I do not know how this feels, to do not know how it would feel to mistrust my partner. There was a time when affair boy was pressing me to take what we were doing to something official. I obviously didn't entertain this for a minute, but I did think of his girlfriend, and how if I was her I would live my days always on edge, wondering where he was, what he was doing and with whom. Who his latest office fling was. My husband is working, with me or minding our child, his social outings are either with us or with his few select friends, and that is a rarity. His goal is to make me happy, to ensure I have all I need. This only makes my actions even more disgusting, I can’t even say I have a bad husband or am in an unhappy marriage, I have the best man a woman could want. I do love him, I am not intending to use him for financial gain or anything, we are both very financially stable.

 

If you are stable than what could you lose by telling him? You have a very wrong version of love. If you loved him you wouldn't be cheating or lying to him. You would be talking to him about your lack of excitement.

 

Have you thought for a second that its not love keeping him in the dark about what you did? It's selfishness.

[SoulStorm]

Soulstorm,

Thanks for your post – Everything you say is true. From how I view myself, to how I am betraying my husband and child. What kind of person does this to the ones they hold dearest for the sake of a tumble with a bad boy? I know none of it makes sense, and that none of it is right!

Beach, I have to go on this trip, I just need to behave myself. The work agenda is that jam packed I would imagine that after dinner I’ll be tucked up in bed alone every night, I am going to keep myself occupied in other ways, I will burn up my evening energy with the gym, or watching a movie. I have thought about this, actually it’s all I think about I need to be prepared when I get there. My girlfriend told me I have to be armed, prepared and have a plan as affair boy will not leave me in peace without a fight. He won’t be able to contact me on the phone, he won’t know what room I am in, he won’t be cheeky enough to ask me to my face, if he does I will tell him where to go. That I can do.

Searching for himself, I can feel the disgust you have for me, for people, women like me. I get that, I understand you are coming at this from a man’s perspective, of someone who is a good faithful human being who neither understands and least of all condones people and actions such as what I've done. This is fair; I would surely feel like this if the shoe were on the other foot. I’ve never to my knowledge been cheated on; I do not know how this feels, to do not know how it would feel to mistrust my partner. There was a time when affair boy was pressing me to take what we were doing to something official. I obviously didn't entertain this for a minute, but I did think of his girlfriend, and how if I was her I would live my days always on edge, wondering where he was, what he was doing and with whom. Who his latest office fling was. My husband is working, with me or minding our child, his social outings are either with us or with his few select friends, and that is a rarity. His goal is to make me happy, to ensure I have all I need. This only makes my actions even more disgusting, I can’t even say I have a bad husband or am in an unhappy marriage, I have the best man a woman could want. I do love him, I am not intending to use him for financial gain or anything, we are both very financially stable.

 

You know why women go for bad boys?

 

They exude confidence, but it's under pretense. Most of them are jerks and cowards who will end up jailed or dead if they don't change.

Another reason is they believe they can conquer them and tame them...rarely happens.

 

Another reason is for the rush of being with someone who is somewhat primal and animalistic.

Also as a form of rebellion to anger their parents

 

The final one is the women don't view themselves really as someone good so they feel they deserve someone bad

 

Any of these strike a chord

[Giraffe2014]

You know why women go for bad boys?

 

They exude confidence, but it's under pretense. Most of them are jerks and cowards who will end up jailed or dead if they don't change.

Another reason is they believe they can conquer them and tame them...rarely happens.

 

Another reason is for the rush of being with someone who is somewhat primal and animalistic.

Also as a form of rebellion to anger their parents

 

The final one is the women don't view themselves really as someone good so they feel they deserve someone bad

 

Any of these strike a chord

 

This is so true! I know most of it is a cover, he's the office fun guy, everyone loves him, men and women alike. He oozes confidence and self assurance. He's eru average looking with a fab body but the women he pulls and his long term girlfriend are worthy of the catwalk! It's amazing!

Anyway that's not my point.

I need out of that place to move on. He's flirting and saying things to stay in my head and I need to get out. Good news is that we are both out of the office until we arrive at this work event and I'm working on a "business need" to get out of that hotel. Two steps in the right direction

[SoulStorm]

This is so true! I know most of it is a cover, he's the office fun guy, everyone loves him, men and women alike. He oozes confidence and self assurance. He's eru average looking with a fab body but the women he pulls and his long term girlfriend are worthy of the catwalk! It's amazing!

Anyway that's not my point.

I need out of that place to move on. He's flirting and saying things to stay in my head and I need to get out. Good news is that we are both out of the office until we arrive at this work event and I'm working on a "business need" to get out of that hotel. Two steps in the right direction

You're saying the right things...lets see if you can do them.

 

Remember..you control you....not what OM puts in your head. If you connect with him on this trip it will be because you chose to....not because he made you.

[beach]

If you value your M at all you would pay with your own money to stay in a separate hotel - anything - just to make sure he doesn't know where to find you.

 

The price of a hotel is much cheaper than the price of a divorce.