Cant move on emotionally after Co-Worker Affair

[LifeWasted]

This is going to end badly.

 

Man I feel so sorry for her husband. I know what it's like to be a wayward woman's sucker. It isn't fun. Not fun at all.

[road]

If you value your M at all you would pay with your own money to stay in a separate hotel - anything - just to make sure he doesn't know where to find you.

 

The price of a hotel is much cheaper than the price of a divorce.

 

 

I wish I was smart enough to think of this.

[Giraffe2014]

I requested the hotel move, its more than likely going to happen so that is one thing I wont have to worry about. And I will turn my life round and come back from that trip with my head held high. Not that its an achievement but I didnt make contact all weekend, didnt even bring work phone away from the office. Thanks for everyones advise here, I will report back after the trip, stay tuned.

[stillafool]

I have and had no intention of telling my husband. Doing this will mark the end and I don't want this. Affair boy wanted more he said I was his world and kept asking where it was going an I kept pushing back to say it would lead nowhere just a bit of fun. He got sick of this and I know he's not happy in his relationship. Now, it's fair to say the same of me because of what I did but I never had any intention of ending my marriage and always made this clear to him.

 

 

This was all bs that he wanted you to leave your husband and be with him. He didn't have any intentions whatsoever to leave his girlfriend and be with you. He probably tells all of his women this stuff. He isn't married to his gf and if he's unhappy why be there 10 years? He just wants some strange on the side which women like you are more than happy to provide for him. He never planned on leaving his girl. We've seen this lie too many times here on LS. It's all smoke and mirrors.

[stillafool]

When I refer to the others before, (Not that this makes it any better) I refer to past men in my life. I have never had an ex marital affair before. This is my first and last time.

I can’t explain this well, when I try, I get attacked! But I am attacking myself enough; further digs aren’t helping to be honest. I do appreciate the comments and feedback, I really do. Almost 2 months since this thing ended, the end is almost as long as the affair itself. I keep trying to make sense of it in my head. I need to get away from him. I was stuck in a meeting with him earlier for an hour. A whole hour of not being myself, on edge, unable to concentrate. He is a constant reminder, he’s always there. As long as I keep seeing him, it sets me back. Theres guilt, theres a lot of feeling crap, like I can’t believe I let myself be played, I can’t believe I did this to my husband. Hes stuck in my head now as a painful memory and reminder. Then his latest fling is flapping around like a love struck teenager and my close work colleague that knows all about it is on edge with me, for me. Its not about him, or her, it’s the stupid situation.

I refer to the work trip only because I wish it was done. When that’s over my dealings with him will few and far between and I can truly look to getting out of here and moving forward with my life. I will lose my job if I don’t go on the trip. I need to leave the job with a good record and references to get a new job and support my family. I am confused why its consuming me so much. Its out of character for me, a first and a last. I know hes done it before, is doing it now with someone else and will do it many times more. I should be rejoicing I got out of it free and without consequence. But my mind is stuck in the mud.

I feel let down by myself, I feel like I have lost instead of gained confidence because I let him do this to me. I let this be done to me. I don’t know who I am anymore and that’s a very scary feeling

 

It might be a good idea at this point to stop focusing on your AP so much and concentrate and talk about what you are dong to make things better in your marriage. You said in an earlier post that you just wanted attention but it sounds like your husband was giving you plenty of attention. Is his attention not enough? Why do you write like a diary what this guy does every day. Forget about him as it sounds like he's forgot about you.

[Giraffe2014]

Whether he would have left his gf isn't relevant, I was never going to leave my husband for him. This was affair boys fantasy but I never went along with that. He probably will get married eventually he isn't happy but will never walk away. He's not happy as him and girl always argue over him being out partying all the time and many times doesn't come home. Anyway that's his life. I've wasted so much time thinking of him and acting stupid. I won't see him at all this week which is fab and I am working hard at my marriage. Just took a lot out of me, the whole situation while he doesn't give me a second thought. Sorting through other emotions now too such as regret and guilt. All part of my journey back

[beach]

I requested the hotel move, its more than likely going to happen so that is one thing I wont have to worry about. And I will turn my life round and come back from that trip with my head held high. Not that its an achievement but I didnt make contact all weekend, didnt even bring work phone away from the office. Thanks for everyones advise here, I will report back after the trip, stay tuned.

 

And IF they don't provide it - are you set and ready to pay for one yourself?

 

Do you have a plan for NOT drinking alcohol while you're there?

[harrybrown]

For the sake of your child and your H, please tell your H everything.

 

He deserves to know.

[Giraffe2014]

I'm not telling husband about affair as he would never forgive me and it would be the end of our marriage. He would never trust me again. Some will say this is information he should have and the decision what to do is his not mine and I deserve to tell him. I don't think this will achieve anything or is something I'm willing to risk for a once off, albeit a huge mistake

[SearchingForMyself]

I'm not telling husband about affair as he would never forgive me and it would be the end of our marriage. He would never trust me again. Some will say this is information he should have and the decision what to do is his not mine and I deserve to tell him. I don't think this will achieve anything or is something I'm willing to risk for a once off, albeit a huge mistake

 

Wow, your husband sure married himself a prize of a woman. Self serving, dishonest, and narcissistic. Hope the sex is worth it.

 

You did all that damage to your husband and you still won't tell him just to save your own ass? Why should he trust you now, considering all you did? You dont even love him and in all honesty, I think youre lying to us about your intentions with the AP. Business trips generally require people to partner up.

 

a narcissists biggest weakness is rejection and thus, they feed off of what they can not have.

 

This marriage is practically over. Itll take a long amount of marriage counseling to even save it. I feel really bad for the husband.

[SearchingForMyself]

I'm not telling husband about affair as he would never forgive me and it would be the end of our marriage. He would never trust me again. Some will say this is information he should have and the decision what to do is his not mine and I deserve to tell him. I don't think this will achieve anything or is something I'm willing to risk for a once off, albeit a huge mistake

 

it wasnt a one off...it was a series of conscious acts of deceit. Something you seem to have a history of. Your crocodile tears isnt fooling anyone either

[SoulStorm]

I'm not telling husband about affair as he would never forgive me and it would be the end of our marriage. He would never trust me again. Some will say this is information he should have and the decision what to do is his not mine and I deserve to tell him. I don't think this will achieve anything or is something I'm willing to risk for a once off, albeit a huge mistake

Once off?

 

So you only slept with the OM one time?

 

This is more than a once off. You voluntarily engaged in an affair without regard to the impact this could cause. Probably multiple times

 

You are one incredibly selfish woman. You did all of this just for your own fun. "what my husband doesn't know won't hurt him" Yes it will. You get to have a marriage where you get to look him in the face and he has no idea that you are not the woman he thinks you are. A woman that doesn't respect him. A woman willing to keep a lie so she doesn't lose her marriage because she would be the reason it failed. Then everyone would know just how you really are. And that is what you are afraid of. The hard working wife and mother is actually an adulterer.

[Giraffe2014]

I do love my husband very much. I ****ed up. I know what I did was wrong and Ya I slept

With him

A good few times, and worst again connected with him largely on an emotional

Scale

Too. I want to rebuild

What I had with my husband. I never want to

Cheat again this isn't my intention. I have no reason to lie on here hence the beauty of

It

So I don't lie

About the business trip. It's so

Large

We can completely avoid each other. I know

With due cause I'm

Being slated on

Here for

My actions but the comments have helped knock me

Out of

The bubble I was in and face reality so was worth joining.

[SoulStorm]

I do love my husband very much.

 

You don't love him enough. Your actions have shown that. Love is what you show...not just what you say

[Giraffe2014]

If I were a serial cheater, Ya, ok. But I went through a bad phase. I'm not making excuses but I had the year from

Hell and I was the glue that spurred everyone on. Then I went mad. And I'm not willing to believe my

Marriage has to end

As a consequence of that whether right or wrong

[SoulStorm]

If I were a serial cheater, Ya, ok. But I went through a bad phase. I'm not making excuses but I had the year from

Hell and I was the glue that spurred everyone on. Then I went mad. And I'm not willing to believe my

Marriage has to end

As a consequence of that whether right or wrong

That decision should be your husband's

 

You're right..that's no excuse.

Whether you are a serial cheater, one night stand or having an affair. The common denominator is betrayal. It should be the betrayed that decides if the marriage ends.

So you went through a bad phase. So do many others and they don't cheat.

 

Did your husband go through that bad phase? Did he cheat?

[Mr. Lucky]

I'm not making excuses but I had the year from

Hell and I was the glue that spurred everyone on. Then I went mad.

 

In your mind, is there a connection between those two events?

 

Mr. Lucky

[Oberfeldwebel]

G,

 

I think that you have slowly make progress in healing, though it may seem so at this time. I know folks appear to be tough on you, but you have to remember that they have been in your husbands shoes. Your original question was about how to move on after affair. Many have recommended that you tell your husband about the affair, which you have decided not to exercise. Realize that if you told him the part of the backlash from that would actually put you in a position that you would lose your marriage. The realization from that makes any Harlequin Romance notion that you have for this man will disappear pretty quick. Also understand that keeping all this bottled inside you is not good for you either. Additionally, I think that you have to put yourself in your husbands shoes, do you think he would not want and deserve to know this information? I think that most relationships can be fixed, but it has to be based on honesty. I don't have a dog in this fight, so this is a decision that you have to make, but just understand that bad news never gets better with age.

[merrmeade]

Doesn't work this way, Ober, it just doesn't. You have already cheated on your husband and lied (lying by omission: still lying), now you're planning on lying for the rest of your life.

 

One thing that I can't forgive my husband for is not telling me or even wanting to tell me - even when he'd found out that AP had told her husband-to-be (coincidentally his brother). My H NEVER intended to tell me, never. That is what you are saying, convinced you can control his knowing and you'll never face him with the truth. I'd suggest you tell him. What's the choice? There's a good chance he'll find out anyway, and what about you? How will you really get over this state of mind?

 

The other problem is, of course, the upcoming work trip. Personally, I don't think there's anything to talk about until after that trip is over. If you do succumb, I suspect we might not hear from you, but if you don't I'm sure you'll want to convey that. This will be the biggest test for a while.

Edited March 16, 2015 by merrmeade

[Giraffe2014]

I know I betrayed my husband. Really, telling him isn’t an option, I am working hard to get our marriage back on track, and hes happier in him. I want to be able to go back to the way things were before all this and firmly believe I can get that back and he doesn’t need to know about it.

As for the work trip, I will be back to report on this whether its good bad or indifferent. I have no intention of slipping up, but I promise to tell the truth here about the outcome regardless.. I had a mail from AP at lunchtime. He said he was excited for the work trip. We arrive Sunday, said he will take me dancing Sunday night and ensure I get to work on time Monday morning! I haven’t replied. No point really.

DH did go through a tough time. But he didn’t go through what I did or on the scale that I did as was more my family than his.

[Raines]

I'm not telling husband about affair as he would never forgive me and it would be the end of our marriage. He would never trust me again. Some will say this is information he should have and the decision what to do is his not mine and I deserve to tell him. I don't think this will achieve anything or is something I'm willing to risk for a once off, albeit a huge mistake

 

 

 

This is not a "once off". If it were you wouldn't be here asking how to get over another man.

 

 

So you aren't going to tell him? Then I guess he will just have to be kept in the dark about what he is married to.

 

 

So since you want to get away with this, how are you going to make sure you never do it again?

[SoulStorm]

I know I betrayed my husband. Really, telling him isn’t an option, I am working hard to get our marriage back on track, and hes happier in him. I want to be able to go back to the way things were before all this and firmly believe I can get that back and he doesn’t need to know about it.

As for the work trip, I will be back to report on this whether its good bad or indifferent. I have no intention of slipping up, but I promise to tell the truth here about the outcome regardless.. I had a mail from AP at lunchtime. He said he was excited for the work trip. We arrive Sunday, said he will take me dancing Sunday night and ensure I get to work on time Monday morning! I haven’t replied. No point really.

DH did go through a tough time. But he didn’t go through what I did or on the scale that I did as was more my family than his.

 

 

This is a bunch of crock. You have not told OM to stay away from you. I think you welcome it deep down. You have not told him you want to work on your marriage. You just think you can ignore him and he will go away.

 

Your marriage is doomed. You're not protecting it. You've secretly destroyed it. And you are not doing the right things to save it.

The way you're going..divorce is in your future because you can't put your foot down with this OM.

 

No point really on replying?

 

You should have told him you already have plans.

But why tell him that..you want to meet him anyway.

 

 

I feel sorry for your husband... he doesn't deserve this

[Raines]

Many have recommended that you tell your husband about the affair, which you have decided not to exercise. Realize that if you told him the part of the backlash from that would actually put you in a position that you would lose your marriage.

 

 

 

This is actually all the more reason to tell him the truth.

 

 

Because she is taking the decision away from him on how his life ends up. She is robbing him by not giving him the power to decide for himself if the type of wife he has is someone he wants to keep.

[Raines]

I had a mail from AP at lunchtime. He said he was excited for the work trip. We arrive Sunday, said he will take me dancing Sunday night and ensure I get to work on time Monday morning! I haven’t replied. No point really.

 

 

 

Uh yes, there is a point to not replying to him.....keeping your options open.

 

 

If you really want your marriage, aside from the fact you are abusing your H by not telling him the truth, then you'll reply to his OM and tell him its over.

 

 

And you should find a way to avoid going on business trips with him. Actually, you should start looking for another job.

[harrybrown]

The OM is a player.

 

Are you using protection?

 

You do not want your H to find out by getting an std from the bad boy.