justacollegekid Posted February 28, 2015 Share Posted February 28, 2015 I am just wondering what I should have done/ if I led him on at all. When I met this guy it was through a church group, and he was the one who initiated the friendship. I was a little weary of him at first...but I was new to the college and could use to make new friends. We would do homework together and he would say stuff like, I see you as a sister and that made me a little off edge with him a little. I would be extra cautious and call him dude and wear baggy clothes around him. We both like videogames and I didn't have a ps3 so we would play them in his dorm together. I'd make sure it wasn't too late at night so usually it would be during the day or at like 7. Then one day when we were having lunch together and he started asking me...so are you attracted to mexican men randomly. I actually don't have anything against dating them, but I said no on purpose because I didn't want him to get any ideas. One day I sent a snapchat and he called me ugly randomly and I was like wtf ok. He started posting all these random videos on my facebook wall and it got to be too much so I just deleted all of them and stopped responding to his texts. He kept trying to readd me, kept texting me....for two years. Then I ran into him somewhere and he stopped me and I decided to give him another chance at being friends. I made sure to call him friend and be guy like in my behavior. This happened yesterday and I am still freaking out. I went over to his house to play video games and we were swearing and being guy like and playing halo. Then as I am leaving he opens his arms for a hug and I was about to hug him back, then he leaned in and tried to kiss me. I turned away and was like oh no I don't want to I gotta go, he grabbed my arm and was like just one kiss...I was like no, he wouldn't let go. At this point im freaking out I was like ok on the cheek just so I can get out of this. I turn my cheek and he goes for my moth...I lean away and I am like no on the cheek so he kisses me on the cheek as I am cringing and I run off. I then send him this long text saying I see him as a brother and I am sorry if I did anything to lead him on but he made me very uncomfortable and he apologized and asked if we could still be friends. I haven't responded yet because I don't know if i even want to be friends...this was me giving him a second chance at friendship. I don't know what to do. I feel violated still...not because he tried to kiss me in the first place because maybe that was a misunderstanding, but more so because he insisted on it even though I leaned away and was clearly uncomfortable. I feel disappointed in myself...I should have pushed him away or screamed no when he grabbed my hand instead of letting him kiss me on the cheek just to get out of the situation. Maybe I shouldn't have agreed to hang out with him alone and gave him the wrong idea. But at the same time if I make zero moves and don't sit near him or anything, and if we never had a conversation about being more than friends i'm not sure what else I could have done to prevent this other than not hang out with him. I know I am VERY different with guys I am into and act way more feminine and dress up than with a guy friend where I curse like a sailor and dress like a slob. Maybe I just shouldn't have guy friends because I feel like I act too friendly and they get the wrong idea. Link to post Share on other sites
BlackOpsZombieGirl Posted February 28, 2015 Share Posted February 28, 2015 If I were you, I'd cut off ALL contact with this creepy lothario. He only sees you as a sexual prospect and has ZERO respect and consideration towards you and probably towards EVERY woman he encounters. Do NOT EVER re-add him to your FB, to Snap or to ANY other social media app. The fact that he grabbed your arm and FORCED you to kiss him is a VERY VERY DANGEROUS sign - a sign that he is a potential rapist or a guy who thinks forcing himself sexually on a woman is "acceptable". He's also the type of guy who does NOT *respect* it when a woman says ***NO***. If this misogynistic creep gives you any more problems, you should report him IMMEDIATELY to your school. Since you both attend the same university, now you're going to have to watch your back; be careful and stay ALERT. I mean, if he has forced you to kiss him, there's no telling what else he might force you to do in the future. BE CAREFUL!!!! . 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author justacollegekid Posted February 28, 2015 Author Share Posted February 28, 2015 If I were you, I'd cut off ALL contact with this creepy lothario. He only sees you as a sexual prospect and has ZERO respect and consideration towards you and probably towards EVERY woman he encounters. Do NOT EVER re-add him to your FB, to Snap or to ANY other social media app. The fact that he grabbed your arm and FORCED you to kiss him is a VERY VERY DANGEROUS sign - a sign that he is a potential rapist or a guy who thinks forcing himself sexually on a woman is "acceptable". He's also the type of guy who does NOT *respect* it when a woman says ***NO***. If this misogynistic creep gives you any more problems, you should report him IMMEDIATELY to your school. Since you both attend the same university, now you're going to have to watch your back; be careful and stay ALERT. I mean, if he has forced you to kiss him, there's no telling what else he might force you to do in the future. BE CAREFUL!!!! . Yeah I don't think I will hang out alone with him ever again. But i'm thinking maybe I am an idiot for hanging out with him alone. I was the one who wanted to play videogames. Maybe this is all my fault. Usually with my other guy friends we will hang out in a group. But thats because we are all part of the same group of friends. Me and him don't really have overlapping groups of friends. Link to post Share on other sites
SawtoothMars Posted February 28, 2015 Share Posted February 28, 2015 Yeah I don't think I will hang out alone with him ever again. But i'm thinking maybe I am an idiot for hanging out with him alone. I was the one who wanted to play videogames. Maybe this is all my fault. Usually with my other guy friends we will hang out in a group. But thats because we are all part of the same group of friends. Me and him don't really have overlapping groups of friends. I personally would not take this very hard... or even very serious. Women are damn near impossible to read unless you have a large chunk of experience... which most boys this age simply do not have. He clearly wants to be more than friends. You do not see him in that way. IF you continue to be friends with him... I think it would be like torture for him. I would just tell him that you can't be friends because he wants more. Also... you may not understand but rejection like this hurts. He may get angry, but just remember it's because you smashed his dreams, so don't take anything he says serious. Link to post Share on other sites
barcode88 Posted February 28, 2015 Share Posted February 28, 2015 Hmm I don't think he really sounds DANGEROUS exactly, he just sounds like a really lonely dude who is crushing on you hard. He probably doesn't have a lot of experience with women. I would stop hanging out with him though and cut all contact, the fact that he kissed you after you said no is a little bit disturbing/creepy. Plus it will be too hard for him to be just your friend and respect boundaries. Similar story: When I was a lot younger (I was also a bit of a late bloomer.. lol), I had a girl who was a friend that I fell hard for - similar to your story (including the baggy clothes LOL), except she was giving me mixed signals, and I only kissed her with her consent. I was a young guy who had no experience with women, and even though there were a lot of signs there that she wasn't interested, I kept pursuing. Ahh to be young and stupid lol. Of course I figured things out eventually Link to post Share on other sites
preraph Posted February 28, 2015 Share Posted February 28, 2015 He was totally out of line trying to force you to kiss him. You need to cut off all contact with him. It is not normal for a guy to keep trying to kiss you after you tell them no and they're like a brother. That's what their imagination is for. He should have shut it down as soon as you indicated you didn't want to kiss. By not doing so, he totally disrespected you and I can totally understand why you feel violated. If you keep seeing him, he will never "just be friends," so don't let him talk you into that. And he might just really try to force you sometime. So block him and shut it all down. Your earliest instinct about him was valid. Time to follow those instincts. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
TiffanyMyers Posted March 1, 2015 Share Posted March 1, 2015 just make to clear to him that you are not into him. be cool about it there's no harm done Link to post Share on other sites
d0nnivain Posted March 1, 2015 Share Posted March 1, 2015 This was not your fault. Hanging out to play video games was not consent for anything else. When he tried to kiss you & you leaned away, that should have been enough of a deterrent. The fact that he begged & still tried for your mouth when you reluctantly agreed to a cheek kiss, tells me he doesn't respect you. It also makes me wonder about his "church" values. I would definitely not spend time alone with him & I would limit physical contact. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
fitnessfan365 Posted March 1, 2015 Share Posted March 1, 2015 Cracks me up EVERY TIME I hear about a story like this. Women are so oblivious to the fact that a lot of guys who are "friends" really want more and are too scared to make a move initially. So they stay in your life, hoping you'll eventually want more. But it only works that way in the movies and on TV shows. Unless a woman knows your intentions from the get go, she sticks you in the friend zone and there is no escape. That's why I don't do friend ship with women I'm attracted to. I make my intentions known and if she doesn't feel the same way and offers to be friends, I let her know I'm not interested and walk away. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author justacollegekid Posted March 1, 2015 Author Share Posted March 1, 2015 Cracks me up EVERY TIME I hear about a story like this. Women are so oblivious to the fact that a lot of guys who are "friends" really want more and are too scared to make a move initially. So they stay in your life, hoping you'll eventually want more. But it only works that way in the movies and on TV shows. Unless a woman knows your intentions from the get go, she sticks you in the friend zone and there is no escape. That's why I don't do friend ship with women I'm attracted to. I make my intentions known and if she doesn't feel the same way and offers to be friends, I let her know I'm not interested and walk away.Its just hard because I didn't think he was attracted to me since he dates girls completely different than me usually. I think if a guy is interested in a girl he should draw the line at friendly acquaintances at most otherwise yeah, as you said they get stuck in the friend zone. I'm going to be honest, for the most part I only want to become friends with a guy if I am not attracted to them. I do have one guy friend I initially found attractive, once we became good friends that went out the window and now I see him like a brother. I really appreciate it when guys are direct with their intentions though, thats super attractive. Link to post Share on other sites
Author justacollegekid Posted March 1, 2015 Author Share Posted March 1, 2015 (edited) This was not your fault. Hanging out to play video games was not consent for anything else. When he tried to kiss you & you leaned away, that should have been enough of a deterrent. The fact that he begged & still tried for your mouth when you reluctantly agreed to a cheek kiss, tells me he doesn't respect you. It also makes me wonder about his "church" values. I would definitely not spend time alone with him & I would limit physical contact. Thanks, I am glad I am not overreacting by never wanting to see him again. I've had guy friends suggest we be more than friends before and I handled it by being honest that I didn't like them that way and then acting normal and I am still friends with them to this day. But in this case I kind of felt violated because he pushed himself on me when I was clearly uncomfortable and turned away, so I have no desire to be around him anymore. I feel bad because he made a public snapchat saying he messed up and asked if we could be friends, and he texted me this morning asking if I was ok, but I just can't because I can't trust him to respect my boundaries anymore. Edited March 1, 2015 by justacollegekid Link to post Share on other sites
barcode88 Posted March 1, 2015 Share Posted March 1, 2015 Thanks, I am glad I am not overreacting by never wanting to see him again. I've had guy friends suggest we be more than friends before and I handled it by being honest that I didn't like them that way and then acting normal and I am still friends with them to this day. But in this case I kind of felt violated because he pushed himself on me when I was clearly uncomfortable and turned away, so I have no desire to be around him anymore. I feel bad because he made a public snapchat saying he messed up and asked if we could be friends, and he texted me this morning asking if I was ok, but I just can't because I can't trust him to respect my boundaries anymore. Yeah he sounds pretty hopeless =( poor guy. It was messed up that he forced a kiss thought - wtf =/ Link to post Share on other sites
fred123 Posted March 1, 2015 Share Posted March 1, 2015 Its just hard because I didn't think he was attracted to me since he dates girls completely different than me usually. I think if a guy is interested in a girl he should draw the line at friendly acquaintances at most otherwise yeah, as you said they get stuck in the friend zone. I'm going to be honest, for the most part I only want to become friends with a guy if I am not attracted to them. I do have one guy friend I initially found attractive, once we became good friends that went out the window and now I see him like a brother. I really appreciate it when guys are direct with their intentions though, thats super attractive. aha so its true girls.will only friendzone guys they are not attractive to! also if you are attracted to a guy you wont be friends with him even if he puts you in the frieedzone? can you/ girls be friends with a guy you are attracted to? Link to post Share on other sites
d0nnivain Posted March 1, 2015 Share Posted March 1, 2015 I feel bad because he made a public snapchat saying he messed up and asked if we could be friends, and he texted me this morning asking if I was ok, but I just can't because I can't trust him to respect my boundaries anymore. Because he publically apologized, I would go for the middle ground: be friendly to him when you see him out with others. Possible stay connected on social media but don't spend any time alone with him. Give this new dynamic a lot of time -- at least 6 months -- & re-evaluate the friendship then. It may have to stay public & it may fade away but it also may become like the friendships you have with other boys. You don't have to do any of that. You can simply cut him out of your life If you like. Link to post Share on other sites
CrystalShine2011 Posted March 1, 2015 Share Posted March 1, 2015 You can cut him out of course, which it sounds like may be the right thing to do. OR You could reach the understanding that it was a mistake, he feels bad about it, and continue in friendship. I hope it works out for you, I would be very upset too!! 1 Link to post Share on other sites
kendahke Posted March 1, 2015 Share Posted March 1, 2015 1. No more going to his place to play Halo on his PS3--ask your parents to get you one or get a job and save up for one. 2. It might be a really good idea for you to take a self defense course so that you know what to do when a man grabs you and won't let go. 3. Accept the apology, but block him and never be his friend. Friends don't force themselves on each other. Being his friend would send the signal to him that what he did was ok with you--and it's not. No means no. He has shown you that what you want doesn't matter--and you have sovereignty over your body and affection. No one else can determine for you that you must share or give your person with/to them. He can be sorry until times get better, but that doesn't mean that you owe him friendship in return. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
preraph Posted March 1, 2015 Share Posted March 1, 2015 Cracks me up EVERY TIME I hear about a story like this. Women are so oblivious to the fact that a lot of guys who are "friends" really want more and are too scared to make a move initially. So they stay in your life, hoping you'll eventually want more. But it only works that way in the movies and on TV shows. Unless a woman knows your intentions from the get go, she sticks you in the friend zone and there is no escape. That's why I don't do friend ship with women I'm attracted to. I make my intentions known and if she doesn't feel the same way and offers to be friends, I let her know I'm not interested and walk away. No woman wants to be "more than friends" with a guy who won't take no for an answer. Many women do think that a guy can just be friends, and it can happen if he's mature enough. Women ARE able to just be friends, and that's why they assume men can as well. But it's the sneaky guys who are at fault for not being upfront and honest about their intentions. I mean, she's known this one long enough he could have let her know verbally a long time ago, or if he was a gentleman, when he did try something, he could have just started by asking her out and then holding her hand, not jump on her in private. He's just a jerk. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
preraph Posted March 1, 2015 Share Posted March 1, 2015 I really think OP needs to just cut him off. There's no reason to give him any room to try it again or make him think it was okay. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
Author justacollegekid Posted March 2, 2015 Author Share Posted March 2, 2015 (edited) aha so its true girls.will only friendzone guys they are not attractive to! also if you are attracted to a guy you wont be friends with him even if he puts you in the frieedzone? can you/ girls be friends with a guy you are attracted to? As I said, I have a few guy friends I was initially attracted to, but one of them is gay and the other two had girlfriends at the time so dating was just never an option when we met. The minute I found out they were either unavailable or not just into me (you can tell), I just kind of got over it rather quickly and the longer we were friends, the less i'd ever dream of dating them. Both guys with the girlfriends ended up breaking up with them, but by that point we had been friends for years and I lost all initial attraction I had to them. One of them asked me if we should take things further because we have chemistry and I seriously considered it...but I eventually declined because I just got used to seeing the guy as a friend only and didn't want to complicate things. The difference between that guy and this friend though is that guy respected my decision and didn't make things awkward. However, one of our mutual friends made a move on both of them once they became single (granted she wasn't as close to either of them as I was so that could be different)...so idk I guess it just depends on the girl. The thing is when I became their friends I didn't do so expecting a relationship out of it or even hoping for one. Edited March 2, 2015 by justacollegekid Link to post Share on other sites
Recommended Posts