Ex wanted to be friends see if we could be together- now trying to make me jelous

[shockedheart]

(1st time poster) I apologize for the length. Just want to be honest as I am desperate for feedback.

 

So - my boyfriend of 3.5 years was not always good to me but usually he was the best thing to ever come into my life. The one thing that always bothered me was that it didn't bother him if I slept with other people well he was on the road as long as I didn't form an emotional attachment or sleep with them multiple times. He knew I was against all forms of cheating (from kissing to sex). During our relationship he cheated on me (I count kissing as cheating on me) 11 times. I was an over suspicious girlfriend - jelous, untrusting... I never believed he loved me although (now looking back) I can see quite clearly he did love me and that I pushed him away constantly - it may have partially been my lack of trust that created the problems/seperation in our relationship. The last time he cheated I found out because she emailed him pictures of the two of them fooling around (when he was on a work trip that I was supposed to go on with him). It crushed me when I saw it. He was away on his last trip for the year and I called him and he heard it from me. I told him not to come home (we lived together) because I needed my space. He went to his mothers. A few days later I drove out to his mom's to face him and figure out what I wanted. We talked. He was unbeliveable. He was understanding. Of course - he was loosing something. After our first initial talks and I could actutally talk to him (by the way, there was never any yelling throughout this - just talking) we both agreed we had to clean the slate if we were going to move forward.

 

So I had to tell him that I had slept with someone as well. The person I slept with was his best friend. It wasn't that I aimed to hurt him - it was convienince and the fact that his best friend, every time he was away, hung out with me and formed a friendship with me. I trusted him. One night he and I were at the bar with friends and they kept buying me drinks. I got way too drunk and he said he would make sure I got home ok. When we got to my place he said he would stay on the couch. I went upstairs and passed out. He was up in my room a few minutes later and trying to kiss me. He kept telling me it was ok and that my boyfriend had said it was ok etc etc. I gave in - hated every minute and thought about my boyfriend the whole time. I stopped it and went to sleep.

 

So I told my boyfriend this when we were having our talk at his mom's and he said it was ok. He said it hurt because of who it was but it was ok and we would get through it just as we were getting through what he did. He said that if we get past this together we could start an honest relationship for the first time - start from scratch. He kept asking me and asking me not to give up on us. He went to councilling and was doing great. I eventually said ok to him coming back to our house and he did. It lasted a week. I was still working through my feelings about him cheating. I was bringing it up once in a while - not throwing it at him but just saying it made me sad but it was getting better. We had some amazing times during that month from when I found out until the end of the first week he was back in our home. Better then any in our relationship.

 

Anyways, a week after he came back I guess he finally had the reality check I was waiting for. He couldn't stand the idea of being in our bed or our house. It was hard for him to even be in the town where we live (such a small town) knowing what he did. He left one day and didn't come back. We texted back and forth and he said he needed space. I didn't understand. He kept telling me not to give up - even that morning he had said it... and now he was completely turned. He was angry and we didn't speak for 3 days. Then we finally had lunch toghether and he said, with his lips trembling, that he thought we should try being friends and trying to build a relationship from scratch. Whether it ended up as a friendship or us getting back together - we agreed to leave all doors open. I agreed to this as I thought it would be healthy for both of us even though I still was madly in love with him and wanted to work it out. I had thought we were on a really good path just 4 days before....

 

Well, it has been almost 2 weeks. We have kept in contact. The first few days we talked each day. I let him call me - I gave him space. He found his own aparment and moved his stuff in very slowly. I stayed in our old place trying to find somewhere to move... maybe even holding on to hope that he would return. Two days after we broke he had to take a business trip and I had talked to him and said 'ok well give me a call when you get back' (which I never normally do because we are used to talking to each other every day). On this trip he drove out with a girl who I know has been leaching on him since the day he first walked out. I didn't care - he had already told me he thought she was dirty and had more respect for himself then to be with someone like her. He called me when he got back and we talked about nothing important. It was weird. We saw each other and talked briefly each time for the past 6 days. Each time we saw each other is was crazy. Sometimes he would get tears in his eyes. He would keep watching me in any room I was in. We even had a night (a week ago) where we were both buzzed and talked. He had said how hard it was not to be with me right now and I agreed. He said that felt we were best friends and was happy we were keeping all doors open. I turned the conversation more light hearted as I was too sensitive to talk about it. The day after we had dinner and talked just as friends. I could tell he had feelings for me and I am sure mine were apparent even though we were both acting like we were ok.

 

As more time goes on I keep feeling we are growing distant. Both of us still feel very strongly for each other but neither of us will tell the other and we are turning it into a **** - throwing match (as of very recently) rather then a friendship. I realize we should have taken some time apart but I was afraid to because I thought this would make us lose our feelings for each other. I am now thinking that was a mistake. Last night he knew I had to be at this bar as we had talked on IM. He said he may be in for a little bit. He did come in - early. I was sitting at the bar and he came right up and sat beside me. We talked... most of the conversation felt like it was started by me. He kept text mssg with someone and smiling in front of me. I think he was trying to provoke my old feelings of jelousy but I didn't react. Then he mentioned in front of me that he would be going shopping today with the same girl he took the last business trip with (he knows I have never liked this girl). Then he was in conversation with a mutual friend and had told him he was going to nail this chick tonight (the same girl). The friend told me later he had said this. I had seen her downstairs so I knew she was in the bar. I think he told this mutual friend because he knew he would tell me. The weird thing is the whole time he was at the bar he just sat there, right beside me.. all night...and I sat there being the happy-go-lucky girl I always was before all this happened. I was just being myself and I think that made him crazy because i was happy rather then miserable. I know he is really hurting and maybe he is hurt that he dosen't think I am too. At the end of the night he was leaving said he had to get up early. Him and I exchanged jokes as he waited to pay his tab. It was good. He hugged me goodbye and left.

 

I don't know if he did or didn't sleep with this girl. I know it isnt' my business as we aren't togehter. Right now, to be perfectly honest, I just want to fix this. I don't know if I should go NC or if I should continue talking. i don't want this to become a terrible fight / ****-throwing contest but I dont' want to loose the connection. Please let me know what my best moves would be to trying to at least have him interested in me rather than trying to make me jelous. He may be in a rebound - may be his way of dealing with his feelings. I don't care. I just want to get through this in the best possible way so there may be an opportunity for us to be two mature loving people again as we mostly were.

 

Sorry again about the length. thank you for any advice... i sit on glass waiting for my next moves...

[cheatersrsad]

Holy Hannah! I HAVE to ask...how old are you guys?

 

My head was spinning after reading your post. Seriously...think about it. If you have a child and one day she/he comes to you and says "My bf/gf cheated on me 11 times and counting and has no respect for me or the relationship because he/she taunts me with stuff that hurts me" would you not go out of your mind?

 

Why in God's green earth would you want to spend yet another minute in his presence?

 

And forget the technicalities of cheating while together and/or being apart, when someone clearly does something to someone that they know will hurt them they are wrong. You slept with his best friend...at what point did you think that might not be a good idea? And his numerous cheat sessions...they hurt you and he kept on going and racking them up. Face the facts that he wants to run around with different women and not stay committed to you. He MUST be young because it sounds like he has A LOT of oats to sow. I honestly see NO proof that he respects you or even cares about how he hurts you.

 

Best advice I can give is get off his rollercoaster ride and sow your oats as well. Let him screw every girl he rides in a car with and MOVE ON.

[shockedheart]

I am 27, he is 25.

 

I know it sounds really bad.. it is/was really bad. The 11 times wasn't all sleeping with people - but to me I count him kissing another girl as cheating. He never did during our "relationship".

 

You have to understand -when we started dating we were both very immature... him especially. Things changed.. we both grew. We didn't communicate our differences.. we didn't figure out we were this bad until it was too late. The hard part is knowing that in the last 8 months or more he really changed. He sought out coucilling, straigtened out priorities.. changed. It was great. But it was too late.

 

I didn't aim to sleep with his best friend - I didn't go looking for it at all. I would say it was partially opportunity/drunken decision and also the lack of relationship I had with my ex at that time. He travels A LOT with his job. He was gone 3 months at that point (when I did 'cheat'). You have to understand - I truely believed i wasn't cheating because of the guidelines he set out.

 

Either way. I have taken time on myself now- calmed down from when I originally wrote the post. I still have a small desire to at least try with him. I know he still loves me... I have been trying NC. He lasted 3 days before calling me. then 2 days (he called to complain that I didn't have all my stuff out of our old apartment - neither of us live there anymore but he was finishing packing his stuff). First call was positive. Second was negative. I am getting the last of my stuff out today.

 

Question at this point is how I can at least seem attractive to this guy? I am unsure at this point if I even want to be with him because of what he did / was... but I would like to see if he has really changed or not. I guess I just want to know he wants me and see what happens.