No choice but divorce.

[keenandeager]

Hi, together 38 years, married 30. I wish I had a magic wand. I don't want to divorce my husband, I love him so much, but I have no choice.

 

First affair 30 years ago. Second affair I discovered 7 years ago, and it had been going on since 2001.

 

After DD, I got the TT, i talked to the other woman, and WH, they both said it was over, we reconciled, but they just went underground, I discovered this later in a blog she wrote in. Gut feelings, 2 years later, I still had a feeling that things weren't right, WH agreed to my request to move out of the area. But, all along my gut feeling was right.

 

Karma, he was developing peyrones, I think that's why he finished it with OW. He sort treatment, had an operation, he never told her any of this, but shortly after he started calling her. I found out by reading a blog, after the operation, he decided to stop calling her, she was devastated, and dumped. She changed both her phone numbers.

 

In November, I went away for the weekend, everything seemed fine, but 2 weeks later I looked at an old phone, only to discover he had been trying her old numbers whilst I was away. I filed for divorce, it was like the straw that broke the camels back.

 

I do not want a divorce, I love my husband, I have no choice, I can't continue like this. The divorce will be final in April, I just didn't think! There are so many maybes! I hate him! Just so mixed up, I cannot even think of the future. It's all so wrong. My life should not be like this. I'm just floundering.

 

How do I restart this late in life? Or do I just not bother? Would there be anyone out there?

 

I just know I cannot remain with him. But, I have the final absolute papers ready to post to the court. But I can't post them.

[minimariah]

How do I restart this late in life? Or do I just not bother? Would there be anyone out there?

 

you did good, sweetheart. & it's NEVER late!

rediscover yourself, find yourself, enjoy in YOU. fall in love with you again.

 

and of course there is someone out there. a lot of people find themselves in situations just like yours. have faith but discover yourself first. take your time, enjoy your life, enjoy things that make YOU happy. in order to be happy... you don't need him or any other man for that matter.

 

take it easy... this pain too shall pass. don't be afraid to step into the unknown, you deserve so much better than what this man gives you. post them papers & own your life.

[LoveMyCat]

You can have a fresh new life at any age. And with a partner who will not cheat at every opportunity. Or you can be happy alone. Anything is better than staying in a marriage where your husband treats you with such disrespect.

 

I am separated, living alone with my pets, and am very content and at peace. My husband was not a cheater, as far as I know, but very passive/aggressive, i.e. refusing to talk, instead simply ignoring me when he was disgruntled or angry, which was pretty much all the time. I never realized quite how much of a toll this was taking on me until I was out. Even my physical health improved within a month. I feel better, sleep better, enjoy my little apartment with my dog and cat, see a few friends when they are free and just enjoy life.

 

You can do the same. If you want to meet a man, you will. Go to the senior center in your area (you only need to be 50, in my city). I eat lunch there often, as it is ridiculously inexpensive, and everyone is friendly. Also they have dozens of classes, meetings, book groups, exercise, outings and more. Same with the Jewish Community Center, open to anyone. These places are packed with activities and older adults, a great many unattached.

 

Good luck and do not waste more of your life.

[No Limit]

Don't let age get in your way. "It's all in your head" as they say; no doubt by the end of the year you will only mourn for the time wasted with your STBXH.

[sandylee1]

If you don't file, he will continue to cheat on you forever. He doesn't deserve you. You just need to keep reminding yourself of this.

 

You discovered 2 affairs, who knows if there were more. From what you've said I'd be surprised if it was just the 2.

 

Move forward and make it absolute.

[scatterd]

I have been married 21 years and husband asked for divorce he never told me why but I believe he has someone else.I have cried so much and wonder also what will come of me.I have been sick almost 4 years I felt like I had a horrible bladder infection and it hurt to have sex the doctor found something wrong he gave me lyrica for a nerve disorder and my bladder does not hurt now.I am thankful but sad I can not share it with my husband.It took so long to find a doctor I guess he gave up on me while I was ill. God must have something in store for you and I but I'm not sure what it is.I am scared it is hard at our age and after so many years.You are not alone we will survive and their is plenty of men. I do not think I want one though.Good luck on your new chapter in life it may be better then we think.

[mightycpa]

How do I restart this late in life? Or do I just not bother? Would there be anyone out there?

There's a ton fewer of them, that's for sure. I'm not sure what you do, except maybe you can figure out a way to be happy with yourself. Once you are, you can expect a lot more attention to come your way, or at the very least, once attention comes, it will stick around. Being satisfied with yourself is very attractive, especially in later years.

 

I just know I cannot remain with him. But, I have the final absolute papers ready to post to the court. But I can't post them.

That's a lot of years to throw down the drain. He's done it, but now, I'm sure it feels like you have to join him in this endeavor. I don't know what to tell you other than the clock keeps ticking and he's never going to change.

[chew123]

KD,

 

I was with my wife for 35 years until she left me for om 5 months ago. It does get easier. I do believe that if you work on yourself first and begin to move forward from the hurt/anger and develop a positive outlook the rest of your life can be better then ever.

 

I too was initially worried about finding someone else. However it is really too soon and I have mostly filled my time with meeting new friends and developing some new interests, as well as spending more time with my friends and neighbors.

 

My attitude is pretty good now, although I admit I am faking it a bit at times. And I am finding there are more people that are in my situation(suddenly single at 54) then I ever imagined.

 

Work on yourself, decide what you want and go for it. Its hard and takes time, and the amount of change after so long is gut-wrenching but you can do it. The alternative of staying with spouses who mistreat us is way worse.

 

Good luck on your journey and I hope you find happiness along the way.

[Hardgrind]

Keanandeager,

 

 

Be patient and give yourself a chance. I too am divorcing from a cheating spouse. Fear of being alone is not a great reason for staying with a spouse who treats you that way.

 

 

Give yourself time to recover and don't rush into a new relationship in haste out of fear.

 

 

I found Shirley Glass's "Not Just Friends" to be helpful in addition to IC. She has a chapter on healing and recovering alone and gives several different examples of how people have eventually recovered from a partner's infidelity and the end of a marriage. In most cases, the betrayed partner creates a better life for themselves than they had before.

 

 

Members here can also help by describing their life after leaving marriages due to infidelity. In my case I am in my early 50's and am still in the process of divorcing my STBXW. I don't know what life has in store for me, but I am convinced that whatever it is, it will be better than staying with a WW who cake eats, is dishonest with me and who has too little empathy for the pain and distress she has caused me.

 

 

I have gotten more involved in my church and in other groups with people having similar interests and I have already met many people in similar situations. We enjoy each others company and there is little pressure to jump into new relationships. Look into what may be available in your city or area. My advice is to wait till after the divorce to date, but don't isolate yourself during this time.

[keenandeager]

Thank you for all for your comments and advice. I have to bit the bullet, and just post the letter.

 

Although i'm divorcing, we still live in the same house, just different rooms. I'm trying to do the things suggested in some of the threads. I have been making up excuse after excuse in my head why one of us hasn't moved out. Money isn't a problem, and I have my own bank accounts now. The new house has to be sold in a few months, once it's finally finished, but that's the only real tie.

 

I keep thinking to myself one step at a time, baby steps, I will get there eventually, or would it be easier to just rip the plaster of?

 

What's also odd, is that I worry about STBXH, he's in his 60s, and hasn't done anything towards separating. It's like he is just sat on a fence, and the divorce is just a piece of meaningless bit of paper!

[No Limit]

I keep thinking to myself one step at a time, baby steps, I will get there eventually, or would it be easier to just rip the plaster of?

 

No, that's the right approach. You can't just press a button and the world is different.

 

As for your STBHX - chances are after you let him get away with a lot the past few decades he doesn't take it too seriously indeed. Or he might simply be in denial. Either way, neither he nor his concerns are your problem anymore.

[TravisHubbard]

> How do I restart this late in life? Or do I just not bother?

 

You just start, and by taking a positive step into the future you are asserting that you have power. Don't let anger turn to hate, that will consume you. Spend some time with yourself, reestablish friendships that may have fallen off over the years, volunteer at the hospital, church, etc. The opportunities are only limited by your imagination.

 

 

> Would there be anyone out there?

 

You would be out there, and there will be someone for you. There are many, many people in the world looking to establish meaningful relationships with real, honest, grounded people.

 

Sorry about your situation, but removing negative people and their energy suck from your life will set you free.

[badpenny]

Dame Judy Dench has just found Love again, at 80.

 

Damnit, if she can do it....

[keenandeager]

i posted them to my solicitors and they will be filed beginning of April, and i am quite relieved. In reality, i have been in an extremely abusive relationship forever it seems. My STBXH has always had an aggressive personality, and the other day we argued - he picked up a pickaxe and threatened to hit me with it, i know it wouldn't use it, but it is scary.

 

I decided that i don't want to be around him, so i have quickly booked up a month away by myself - somewhere warm and cultural, then i shall stay at my daughters for a while.

 

This is so life changing.

[sandylee1]

i posted them to my solicitors and they will be filed beginning of April, and i am quite relieved. In reality, i have been in an extremely abusive relationship forever it seems. My STBXH has always had an aggressive personality, and the other day we argued - he picked up a pickaxe and threatened to hit me with it, i know it wouldn't use it, but it is scary.

 

I decided that i don't want to be around him, so i have quickly booked up a month away by myself - somewhere warm and cultural, then i shall stay at my daughters for a while.

 

This is so life changing.

 

Well done. You really don't know if he would ever use it. Stay well away from that violence.

 

Enjoy your trip. You deserve it.

[Downtown]

In reality, i have been in an extremely abusive relationship forever it seems. My STBXH has always had an aggressive personality....

Keen, has he ever been physically abusive? As to the verbal and emotional abuse, when did that begin -- i.e., how far into your marriage did you get before it started appearing?

[keenandeager]

Downtown,

 

He has always been like this in times of stress, it used to spill over into physical violence years ago, whenever I disagreed with him, or he couldn't get his own way. That's the reason I'm going tomorrow, self preservation, I can see his temper simmering, just waiting to burst. I will not be his verbal/physical punchbag.

 

I am so emotional at the moment. Sometimes, guilt, sometimes, fear, sometimes sadness. But, I have been reading these boards for a few years now, and it's given me enough strength, and recognition, that I do not want to waste any more of my life with him.

 

This all makes him sound a monster, but he has also been a hardworking man, and a very good provider. Most people would never believe what he is like behind closed doors, to most he is quiet, polite and a gent. Maybe that's why I find it hard to tell anyone. So far only my children know, and they think it's long overdue. How do you explain to outsiders? I have chosen to just not tell anyone, but at some point my sisters and others will know about the divorce.

 

I don't know, maybe it's embarrassment, I really don't know how to deal with the fallout, I don't want to lie, but the truth of my marriage all these years is disgusting, and unbelievable.

 

So, I keep getting shaky, my stomach is in knots, I'm not really looking forward to going away on my own, but it is definitely for the best. Luckily, one of my children is here and will be taking me to the airport, so there will be no nastiness.

 

I don't trust H at all, he is such a convincing liar. I dread to think what he will get up to whilst I'm not here...... I'm not going to dwell on it, but I am going to transfer half of our savings into my own account, so he cannot decide to 'take' all of it.

[Downtown]

He has always been like this in times of stress, it used to spill over into physical violence years ago, whenever I disagreed with him, or he couldn't get his own way.

Keen, the repeated physical battering of a partner or spouse by an adult is strongly associated with that adult having strong traits of a personality disorder, particularly BPD (Borderline Personality Disorder). Intense, inappropriate anger is one of the nine defining traits for BPD. If your H really is a BPDer (i.e., has strong BPD traits), he carries enormous anger inside from early childhood -- likely started before age five. You therefore would not have to do a thing to CREATE the anger.

 

Rather, you would only have to do or say some minor thing that triggers a release of the anger that is already there. This is why a BPDer can burst into a rage in less than a minute -- oftentimes in only ten seconds. Moreover, BPDers have very weak control over their emotions. Indeed, the key defining characteristic of BPD is the inability to regulate one's own emotions.

 

For these reasons, the physical abuse of a spouse or partner has been found to be strongly associated with BPD. To be clear, this association does NOT imply your H has full-blown BPD. Instead, such physical abuse simply implies he is at greater risk of having strong BPD traits. One of the first studies showing that link is a 1993 hospital study of spousal batterers. It found that nearly all of them have a personality disorder and half of them have BPD. See Roger Melton's summary of that study at 50% of Batterers are BPDers. Similarly, a 2008 study and a 2012 study find a strong association between violence and BPD.

 

I can see his temper simmering, just waiting to burst. I will not be his verbal/physical punchbag.

Like I said, if he exhibits strong and persistent BPD warning signs, you don't have to do a thing to CREATE the anger. Rather, you only have to do some minor thing that TRIGGERS the anger that's always there under the surface.

 

The other day we argued - he picked up a pickaxe and threatened to hit me with it, i know it wouldn't use it, but it is scary.

Importantly, I'm not suggesting your H has full-blown BPD but, rather, that he may exhibit moderate to strong traits of it. I caution that BPD is a "spectrum" disorder, which means every adult on the planet occasionally exhibits all BPD traits to some degree (albeit at a low level if the person is healthy). At issue, then, is not whether your H exhibits BPD traits. Of course he does. We all do.

 

Rather, at issue is whether he exhibits them at a strong and persistent level (i.e., is on the upper end of the BPD spectrum). Not having met him, I cannot know whether his BPD traits are strong and persistent. I nonetheless believe you can spot any strong BPD warning signs that are present if you take a little time to learn which behaviors are on the list. They are not difficult to spot because there is nothing subtle about behaviors such as strong verbal abuse, very controlling behavior, and temper tantrums.

 

This all makes him sound a monster, but he has also been a hardworking man, and a very good provider. Most people would never believe what he is like behind closed doors, to most he is quiet, polite and a gent.

Even if your H were a full-blown BPDer, he would not be a monster. A BPDer's problem is not being monstrous or bad but, rather, being emotionally unstable. This instability, however, likely will NOT be apparent to most people. The reason is that the vast majority of BPDers -- even those having full-blown BPD -- are high functioning. This means they usually get along fine with business colleagues, casual friends, clients, and total strangers.

 

None of those people are able to trigger the BPDer's two great fears: abandonment and engulfment. There is no close relationship to trigger the abandonment fear and no intimacy to trigger the engulfment fear. This is why it is common for a BPDer to treat complete strangers with compassion all day long and then go home, at night, to abuse the very person who loves him.

 

Importantly, if your H really does have strong BPD traits, your divorce likely will get very nasty very quickly. I therefore suggest you take a quick look at my list of red flags at 18 BPD Warning Signs. If most of those signs sound very familiar, I would suggest you see a psychologist -- for a visit or two all by yourself -- to obtain a candid professional opinion on what it is you're dealing with. I also would suggest you read my more detailed description of these red flags at my posts in Rebel's Thread. If that description rings many bells, I would be glad to join the other respondents in discussing them with you. Take care, Keen.

[keenandeager]

Hi downtown,

 

I have just spent a while reading your suggestions, and yes he has most of the traits. He is very childlike at times, with temper tantrums, black or white thinking, blaming me.... The times I've heard him yell "it's not my fault, it's yours", only for me to say "it's just one of those things, no big deal, no ones fault", but he HAS to place blame somewhere, and that's usually me!

 

I have learned over time that he does respond to quiet suggestions, i drop hints and clues, without outrightly asking or discussing in an open, honest, direct way (therefore avoiding conflicts), and he usually comes back with 'his ideas' which quite clear mirror my hints and clues. I think I'm guilty of some sort of manipulating game play!

 

I have to go catch a plane!

[Holding-On]

Adding on to this: I want to strongly recommend the book "Splitting" by Bill Eddy. You can get it in e-format too. His website and books are really really good. He was/is a divorce attorney that became a therapist or might be the other way around! Don't remember but he has great advice for all types of personality disordering traits.

 

The book "Splitting" is for divorcing a person with these traits in high abundance.

Good luck to you!

[keenandeager]

Hi, the divorce went through in April 2015. I returned from my travels and the final papers arrived.

 

My reasoning behind his signing papers so amicably were correct.

 

We were still in the same house, but had agreed that until the house was sold, that we would be respectful, and not get involved with other people, until the house was sold, and our daughters wedding. He proved to be lying again, however I did expect it.

 

In May 2015, I discovered his lies, and insisted he moved out to be with his ow. 1 week later, he asks to come home. 1 week later I agreed. He dumped her, I'm ashamed to say that I agreed, to spite her, and just hurt her, and, to just kick her in the teeth -so there!

 

Legally, he had every right to move back, I knew this, he knew it. He spouted that he loved me - I'm not that deluded.

 

It's just so sad! I really have shot myself in the foot! I really want to move on. He is making excuse after excuse, and pretends that we are still married, and plans for the future. Totally ignores me, it's beyond beyond, I really want to move on - I have told him we are not married, not together, I don't want this. But he just buries his head in the sand, and tries to plan for 'our' future.

 

Should I push legally? He will probably get nasty. I just want a life without him,

[Mr. Lucky]

He proved to be lying again, however I did expect it.

 

Talk about your self-inflicted wounds, you threw away much progress and a pretty clear resolution. Why would you do this ?

 

Legally, he had every right to move back, I knew this, he knew it.

 

Didn't your divorce resolve the home ownership? I'm confused why you both feel he has a right to move back in...

 

Mr. Lucky

[keenandeager]

In uk you can divorce without dividing assets (or children's visitation). It can be sorted out later.

 

He's amicable, and he wanted/is extending the house for more equity, but doesn't or won't accept, or just forgets we are divorced. Although I alway say that once the house is finish I will buy something just for me, he ignores it. We don't sleep or have intimacy, since before the divorce, I just know, in my heart, it's going to be bad.

 

Sorry, I'm just a bit despondent, and yes, I guess having to take legal action will have consquenses, and yes, I suppose I know what I have to do. I'm just a chicken trying to gather strength. I know.

[Mr. Lucky]

Sorry, I'm just a bit despondent, and yes, I guess having to take legal action will have consquenses, and yes, I suppose I know what I have to do. I'm just a chicken trying to gather strength. I know.

 

It appears from reading your thread your children are adults, they're on their own.

 

What stops you from moving into your own place?

 

Mr. Lucky

[keenandeager]

Hi mr lucky,

 

Yes, my children are adults. If I were to move out I would still have to return twice a day. I live in the country, on a small farm and have horses. It does really limit renting somewhere reasonably close, and within easy travelling.

 

I agreed to let exhusband to extend the house to increase the value, then after its finished, sell it and part ways. Unfortunately, I'm not coping well with exhusbands controlling (almost abusive) ways. My coping methods for the past 18months is to go away on my own for a few weeks - I pay a girl in the local village to do the horses. So I'm off again, today, to recharge.

 

Keen