Newly distant bf texting, called another girl "sweetpea," deletes their texts daily.

[zootripping]

First time poster here. I'd say yay but not really, given the circumstances. Apologies in advance because this is a FREAKING NOVELLA. I have a problem with brevity.

 

So here's the deal. My boyfriend and I were good friends for about two years before we started dating. He always told me openly about how he had a huge crush on me, had feelings for me, etc. About a year ago, I moved 3 hours away and even though we weren't close friends right before I moved, we started talking again almost a year after I moved (seriously talking - we'd said a couple things here and there, he told me he missed me, invited me back to town for events, etc). He routinely drove 3 hours to come see me and hang out for just a few hours a day, all while still being open about having feelings for me. Long story short, we started dating back in October. He left his job, family, and friends 3 hours away and moved here to be closer to me. He's been staying with me since Christmas, but has mentioned a few times how he wants to get his own place. Which is totally fine and I understand and respect that. No issue there.

 

Now, for the first two months or so he would say really sweet stuff about our future down the road (like how he'd already planned out the next year while I finish my degree and then how we're moving to Colorado for my work, etc). He bought me thoughtful presents, sent sweet text messages, cooks me dinner, asked me once recently when he was a little buzzed after drinks with his coworkers how I felt about kids because he would love to have kids. He even told me (over text, sometime before he moved here) that he wants to kiss me at midnight when the ball drops for years to come. Awwww. So basically, he's a wonderful boyfriend.

 

Here's the issue, though.

 

The past week or so, he's been distant. He has a lot of female friends that he's always talking to and he always tells me who they are when I ask; he doesn't get defensive and knows I only do it because I want to know what's going on in his life (but not in an overbearing way). That's totally fine. But in the past week, he's been talking to this new girl that he's never mentioned before. Like, a lot. When I asked who it was (we do that a lot - if I'm texting someone and he can see the screen, he'll usually look, which I don't mind at all because I have nothing to hide; likewise, before this girl, when he would text someone he wouldn't hide the screen at all and I would tell him, "oh, tell so-and-so I say hi!" and he would) because I didn't recognize the name, he quickly turned so I couldn't see the screen and got very defensive. "We've had this conversation before. You asked about her the last time. She's my friend. We used to work together." He said all of this in a very snippy, totally-uncalled for tone since I wasn't asking to be accusatory or anything. He's never reacted that way before. He wouldn't say anything else about her (incidentally, he really never had said anything about her before, so I don't know if he just forgot or if he was intentionally lying) and put his phone on vibrate, on the other side of the couch beside him, and placed it face down. And he stayed pretty quiet for several hours afterward. When he left to take a shower, he put his phone in the bedroom to charge - again, face down. When I got up to walk my dog at one point, he immediately got up and went to the bedroom to check his phone and made a weird announcement about how he was setting his alarm clock. That was odd since I didn't even ask what he was doing.

 

So. And before you get judgy about snooping, I know - it's a breach of trust and it's terrible, etc, etc. Spare me the finger-wagging, I know it's not good but if it's not totally unwarranted then I don't see much wrong with it. Personally, I wouldn't care if he went through my stuff (I did catch him going through my tablet once while I wasn't home, and I pretty much found it funny and didn't care at all. Why would I? I believe in 110% openness.) Anyway, later on that night, I went to check the time on his phone and saw a text from her that was a little strange ("you don't want to share?" - oddly enough it was received right around the time I went to talk to dog and he was "setting his alarm"). Being curious, I did it. I snooped. I know, I know, it's awful and I feel like sh*t because of it, and I know the old "if you snoop, you're always going to find something you don't like!" adage, but bear with me.

 

Even though I know they've been texting for at least a few days, there was only a history of one day with this girl (but not everyone else). Reading through their texts just that one day, he talks to her WAY more than he talks to me, even totally innocuous stuff. He made some comment that her response to was "well you're no angel either" and he was like "me? nooooo." He also sent her a message that said only "sigh..." and she asked what he was thinking; he said "nothing," and she said "oh right, I forgot I used to always make you wistfully sigh ;)" to which he replied "hmmm." Few hours later, she said it was hard restarting their relationship. He asked her why. She dodged. He asked, "what's really on your mind, sweetpea?" (GRRRRR that's one of his pet names for me!) and she said that she was feeling strange because she lost one friend (he moved away I guess) and then her former best best best friend (my bf) contacted her in the same week and she was having a lot of feelings. He comforted her and said some sweet things, and then she was like "sorry I bothered you, goodnight" and he was like "what??? no, I just got off work!" and asked her to keep talking to him. She didn't, but he clearly wanted her to. About an hour later, he send another text that said "hmmmm," she asked what he was thinking about, he said nothing, and she said "But you're always thinking...." He said "always," then she asked, "Don't want to share?". I don't think he responded because I was with him the rest of the night, although I did fall asleep before him.

 

I did ask him, though, before falling asleep - "you wouldn't ever hide anything from me, would you?". He got tense and hesitated and said, "no, why?" with a little panic in his voice. I told him I was just feeling really anxious and that something felt different, and he just turned it into a joke. I kept the talk really light-hearted and even said, "as long as I know everything's ok with us, that'll make me feel a lot better about everything" and gave him a kiss. He also turned that into a joke about something unrelated and wouldn't really look me in the eye the whole time. When we turned out the light, neither of us talked at all for a long time and when I asked him what he was thinking, he just got really flirty and turned it into sexytime (sorry for the tmi?). The sex was great as usual, but afterwards he wouldn't talk again except to give me a quick kiss and say goodnight. He had work this morning and gave me a kiss before he left, but I haven't seen or talked to him since then. I texted him once I knew he was off work, but he never responded.

 

He doesn't keep a password on his phone. He's never left it face down or purposely out of my reach before, until now. I'm very concerned because this girl lives near me (about 40 mins away) and I think they might be hanging out when I'm at work or school because even though he always got home around 2:30-3 before, now he's not getting home until after 4 or 5. He got really cagey when I asked about her, and they obviously are very close judging by how they talk.

 

What's more, he talks to her just like he talks to me.

 

Now he's being dodgy, I don't know who the heck this girl is but don't know how to ask him again without sounding accusatory or paranoid, and I do feel awful about snooping. I know I should confess to the snooping, but we've always been super open about our phones and even had a conversation once about how we didn't care if the other went through our phones. But now, I have a feeling he'll care.

 

I know I shouldn't have betrayed his trust by looking, but he's acting strange and it strikes me as odd that he's been talking to this girl so much but then deleting their text history on a daily basis when he leaves weeks/months of text history for everyone else (I checked his text history with me, just to be sure). He went from being so sweet and wonderful and talking about our future and moving 3 hours away from his friends/family/job/hometown to be with me, but now he barely ever texts me, doesn't talk to me much even in person (is always on his phone or tablet when he's with me), and he's being weird about his phone and I don't know what to do.

 

Why would he delete their texts? Why would HE be the one to contact her again? Why would he be calling her "sweetpea" when I'm pretty sure no platonic friends call each other that, especially when they have girlfriends? Which, by the way, he apparently hasn't mentioned that fact to her.

 

Sorry this post is so long, and kudos if you stuck through it and read it all. Thank you. I'm just super bent up about this. I do have a history of being cheated on and I'm terrible at trusting people, but the reason this hurts so bad is because I did fully trust him, until he started giving me reason not to. He doesn't seem like the type who would do this but, well, my past has told me that my radar for "that type" may be faulty.

 

So, I don't know. Help? I can't ask my friends because most of them are mutual friends with him too, and we're both really private people who don't like putting our business out there when it comes to our relationship. What do you guys think is going on? What should I do?

[No Limit]

Seems like your BF is checking out of your relationship but won't go before he has a new girl lined up. Dealbreaker.

As for your other questions; he deletes the messages so nobody will find them (no proof and all that); he's giving her cutsy nicknames to make his interest in her obvious hoping to woo her; him not mentioning you is a dead giveaway.

 

Tell him you know about his behavior and kick him to the curb. You deserve better and there's no need to wait until he cheats on you (less risk of catching a STD and extra heartbreak/ego hurting).

Edited February 28, 2015 by No Limit

[Winterina]

First of all, do not feel bad for snooping. I never understood why is snooping elevated to such status that people who were lied to or cheated at, in their desire to know the truth, have to feel so bad about it. That is hypocrisy.

It is their privacy (which really shouldn't even be an issue once you are in a serious relationship) vs. some of the most important choices you make in life, such as whom you are going to love and live with and have kids with.

I once looked and saved myself from making the biggest mistake. Thank God for snooping. It is intuition that brings you to that point anyway.

 

 

 

 

 

 

Secondly, if you have nothing to hide you will hide nothing. He seems to have something to hide.

 

 

Talk to him and tell him everything and do not apologize. It is indeed very suspicious what he is doing and warrants some explanations. The way he talks to her is too unacceptable. Up to you what are you willing to put up with. I would ask him to break the contact with her altogether because this girl is not a good news and will make you feel anxious regardless of the situation in which they communicate.

[kendahke]

First time poster here. I'd say yay but not really, given the circumstances. Apologies in advance because this is a FREAKING NOVELLA. I have a problem with brevity.

 

So here's the deal. My boyfriend and I were good friends for about two years before we started dating. He always told me openly about how he had a huge crush on me, had feelings for me, etc. About a year ago, I moved 3 hours away and even though we weren't close friends right before I moved, we started talking again almost a year after I moved (seriously talking - we'd said a couple things here and there, he told me he missed me, invited me back to town for events, etc). He routinely drove 3 hours to come see me and hang out for just a few hours a day, all while still being open about having feelings for me. Long story short, we started dating back in October. He left his job, family, and friends 3 hours away and moved here to be closer to me. He's been staying with me since Christmas, but has mentioned a few times how he wants to get his own place. Which is totally fine and I understand and respect that. No issue there.

 

Now, for the first two months or so he would say really sweet stuff about our future down the road (like how he'd already planned out the next year while I finish my degree and then how we're moving to Colorado for my work, etc). He bought me thoughtful presents, sent sweet text messages, cooks me dinner, asked me once recently when he was a little buzzed after drinks with his coworkers how I felt about kids because he would love to have kids. He even told me (over text, sometime before he moved here) that he wants to kiss me at midnight when the ball drops for years to come. Awwww. So basically, he's a wonderful boyfriend.

 

Here's the issue, though.

 

The past week or so, he's been distant. He has a lot of female friends that he's always talking to and he always tells me who they are when I ask; he doesn't get defensive and knows I only do it because I want to know what's going on in his life (but not in an overbearing way). That's totally fine. But in the past week, he's been talking to this new girl that he's never mentioned before. Like, a lot. When I asked who it was (we do that a lot - if I'm texting someone and he can see the screen, he'll usually look, which I don't mind at all because I have nothing to hide; likewise, before this girl, when he would text someone he wouldn't hide the screen at all and I would tell him, "oh, tell so-and-so I say hi!" and he would) because I didn't recognize the name, he quickly turned so I couldn't see the screen and got very defensive. "We've had this conversation before. You asked about her the last time. She's my friend. We used to work together." He said all of this in a very snippy, totally-uncalled for tone since I wasn't asking to be accusatory or anything. He's never reacted that way before. He wouldn't say anything else about her (incidentally, he really never had said anything about her before, so I don't know if he just forgot or if he was intentionally lying) and put his phone on vibrate, on the other side of the couch beside him, and placed it face down. And he stayed pretty quiet for several hours afterward. When he left to take a shower, he put his phone in the bedroom to charge - again, face down. When I got up to walk my dog at one point, he immediately got up and went to the bedroom to check his phone and made a weird announcement about how he was setting his alarm clock. That was odd since I didn't even ask what he was doing.

 

So. And before you get judgy about snooping, I know - it's a breach of trust and it's terrible, etc, etc. Spare me the finger-wagging, I know it's not good but if it's not totally unwarranted then I don't see much wrong with it. Personally, I wouldn't care if he went through my stuff (I did catch him going through my tablet once while I wasn't home, and I pretty much found it funny and didn't care at all. Why would I? I believe in 110% openness.) Anyway, later on that night, I went to check the time on his phone and saw a text from her that was a little strange ("you don't want to share?" - oddly enough it was received right around the time I went to talk to dog and he was "setting his alarm"). Being curious, I did it. I snooped. I know, I know, it's awful and I feel like sh*t because of it, and I know the old "if you snoop, you're always going to find something you don't like!" adage, but bear with me.

 

Even though I know they've been texting for at least a few days, there was only a history of one day with this girl (but not everyone else). Reading through their texts just that one day, he talks to her WAY more than he talks to me, even totally innocuous stuff. He made some comment that her response to was "well you're no angel either" and he was like "me? nooooo." He also sent her a message that said only "sigh..." and she asked what he was thinking; he said "nothing," and she said "oh right, I forgot I used to always make you wistfully sigh ;)" to which he replied "hmmm." Few hours later, she said it was hard restarting their relationship. He asked her why. She dodged. He asked, "what's really on your mind, sweetpea?" (GRRRRR that's one of his pet names for me!) and she said that she was feeling strange because she lost one friend (he moved away I guess) and then her former best best best friend (my bf) contacted her in the same week and she was having a lot of feelings. He comforted her and said some sweet things, and then she was like "sorry I bothered you, goodnight" and he was like "what??? no, I just got off work!" and asked her to keep talking to him. She didn't, but he clearly wanted her to. About an hour later, he send another text that said "hmmmm," she asked what he was thinking about, he said nothing, and she said "But you're always thinking...." He said "always," then she asked, "Don't want to share?". I don't think he responded because I was with him the rest of the night, although I did fall asleep before him.

 

I did ask him, though, before falling asleep - "you wouldn't ever hide anything from me, would you?". He got tense and hesitated and said, "no, why?" with a little panic in his voice. I told him I was just feeling really anxious and that something felt different, and he just turned it into a joke. I kept the talk really light-hearted and even said, "as long as I know everything's ok with us, that'll make me feel a lot better about everything" and gave him a kiss. He also turned that into a joke about something unrelated and wouldn't really look me in the eye the whole time. When we turned out the light, neither of us talked at all for a long time and when I asked him what he was thinking, he just got really flirty and turned it into sexytime (sorry for the tmi?). The sex was great as usual, but afterwards he wouldn't talk again except to give me a quick kiss and say goodnight. He had work this morning and gave me a kiss before he left, but I haven't seen or talked to him since then. I texted him once I knew he was off work, but he never responded.

 

He doesn't keep a password on his phone. He's never left it face down or purposely out of my reach before, until now. I'm very concerned because this girl lives near me (about 40 mins away) and I think they might be hanging out when I'm at work or school because even though he always got home around 2:30-3 before, now he's not getting home until after 4 or 5. He got really cagey when I asked about her, and they obviously are very close judging by how they talk.

 

What's more, he talks to her just like he talks to me.

 

Now he's being dodgy, I don't know who the heck this girl is but don't know how to ask him again without sounding accusatory or paranoid, and I do feel awful about snooping. I know I should confess to the snooping, but we've always been super open about our phones and even had a conversation once about how we didn't care if the other went through our phones. But now, I have a feeling he'll care.

 

I know I shouldn't have betrayed his trust by looking, but he's acting strange and it strikes me as odd that he's been talking to this girl so much but then deleting their text history on a daily basis when he leaves weeks/months of text history for everyone else (I checked his text history with me, just to be sure). He went from being so sweet and wonderful and talking about our future and moving 3 hours away from his friends/family/job/hometown to be with me, but now he barely ever texts me, doesn't talk to me much even in person (is always on his phone or tablet when he's with me), and he's being weird about his phone and I don't know what to do.

 

Why would he delete their texts? Why would HE be the one to contact her again? Why would he be calling her "sweetpea" when I'm pretty sure no platonic friends call each other that, especially when they have girlfriends? Which, by the way, he apparently hasn't mentioned that fact to her.

 

Sorry this post is so long, and kudos if you stuck through it and read it all. Thank you. I'm just super bent up about this. I do have a history of being cheated on and I'm terrible at trusting people, but the reason this hurts so bad is because I did fully trust him, until he started giving me reason not to. He doesn't seem like the type who would do this but, well, my past has told me that my radar for "that type" may be faulty.

 

So, I don't know. Help? I can't ask my friends because most of them are mutual friends with him too, and we're both really private people who don't like putting our business out there when it comes to our relationship. What do you guys think is going on? What should I do?

 

He has point blank lied in your face. What more needs to happen now for you to understand you're dealing with a liar?

 

If you are terrible at trusting people, then it might be a good idea to get out of a relationship with someone who is untrustworthy and start working on strengthening your judgement. Getting with people who constantly abuse trust will age you before your time. Now that he's given you a reason to not trust him, that's all you need to end this. It's quite obvious that you and what you have with him is not special enough for him to understand that his investment in his friendship is inappropriate for someone in a committed, exclusive relationship. His level of intimacy with her is unacceptable.

 

He's not likely to choose between you and her, so you will have to do the heavy lifting on that if you don't want to be played for a fool.

 

If having this particular guy as your boyfriend is more important than you being with someone who isn't playing you out, then you're going to have to find someway to learn to tolerate his intimacy with her and be quiet and content in the fact that at least you have a man, even when that man is acting inappropriately.

 

For my own part, I'd have told him that I looked and that he can not let the door hit him on the a$$ on the way out. Your relationship is over except for the breaking up. You just don't allow another person into your place of intimacy when you've already declared that space for someone else.

[kendahke]

Before taking it upon yourself to snoop, familiarize yourself with your state's identity theft laws. They are being used to prosecute snoopers.

[LoveRefreshed]

First of all, do not feel bad for snooping. I never understood why is snooping elevated to such status that people who were lied to or cheated at, in their desire to know the truth, have to feel so bad about it. That is hypocrisy.

It is their privacy (which really shouldn't even be an issue once you are in a serious relationship) vs. some of the most important choices you make in life, such as whom you are going to love and live with and have kids with.

I once looked and saved myself from making the biggest mistake. Thank God for snooping. It is intuition that brings you to that point anyway.

 

 

 

Secondly, if you have nothing to hide you will hide nothing. He seems to have something to hide.

 

 

Talk to him and tell him everything and do not apologize. It is indeed very suspicious what he is doing and warrants some explanations. The way he talks to her is too unacceptable. Up to you what are you willing to put up with. I would ask him to break the contact with her altogether because this girl is not a good news and will make you feel anxious regardless of the situation in which they communicate.

 

 

What do you do when you snoop and found out there was nothing going on? Do you hide that fact and lie to them or do you come clean and tell them you didn't trust them?

[zootripping]

Thank you everyone for your input. And here's an update on where we stand now:

 

I confronted him about talking to her a lot and how they seemed to be having some serious, private conversations (without saying I snooped - I'll confess to that later if the issue persists). He didn't get defensive or angry at all, and he answered every question I asked. He even told me some things about her that I know to be true (because I saw them on her texts) and was totally honest about them, even without knowing that I know (that was a confusing sentence). He got a little sad because he felt like I was worried about him, but that's all. No anger, no dodging, and constant eye contact.

 

So either he's a much better liar than I thought (he's been historically terrible at lying about small stuff in the past, I can always tell) or there really is nothing going on. He told me they used to be best friends, had a falling out, and she is apparently talking to him more now because of the friends who moved away (I mentioned those before). He claims he hasn't hung out with her in years and has no real intention of doing so. In fact he seemed very open and calm about it all. He's not the type to be so chill if something is bothering him. If it was something REALLY serious, he almost certainly would've got defensive or angry. So there's that.

 

I voiced my concerns that I think it's inappropriate and he said he understands. From what I know, he hasn't talked to her since. I'm tempted to snoop again just to be sure, but at this point I'm not sure what that would accomplish besides possibly deciding the final verdict.

 

Idk, I'm still very torn. I've known him for so long and know him so well that he really did seem genuine when we talked about it, and willing to talk about it too. My next course of action is I guess to let it lie for a few days, tell him it makes me uncomfortable and I would prefer if he break contact with with altogether, observe his reactions/behavior, and if he's still being fishy to check the phone again. If there's anything from her on there at all, I'm done.

[ExpatInItaly]

His reaction is all well and good, but why the need to delete texts? What's with the pet name? Does he use such names with other female friends?

 

I don't know, OP. I think you need to listen to your gut and keep a very close eye on this. There are some things that still don't square up with his response.

[zootripping]

His reaction is all well and good, but why the need to delete texts? What's with the pet name? Does he use such names with other female friends?

 

I don't know, OP. I think you need to listen to your gut and keep a very close eye on this. There are some things that still don't square up with his response.

 

To be fair, he may have the habit of occasionally deleting all the texts from his phone. He did ask me to text his friend while he was driving yesterday, and also handed me his phone to look at a funny picture sent from a mutual friend, then left the room. I didn't snoop long but in a glance I did see that he'd deleted a bunch of stuff on there. I think I've seen him do it before so maybe that's paranoia talking. There were no texts from this girl on there when he handed me his phone, but he also could've just deleted them and handed me his phone to be like "hey look I'm giving you my phone, I have nothing to hide!" even though he could've just deleted the fishy stuff, so I'm taking that with a grain of salt.

 

Granted, it's still fishy. He explained the pet name as something he's always done and it meant nothing at all, and even admitted it probably sounded like some lame excuse. He did get kinda mad when I told him I saw those texts (where he called her sweetpea) but I think it's because he felt like I invaded his privacy (he's always been a notoriously private person.)

 

I talked to a mutual male friend about it and he said that since my bf isn't apologizing, getting defensive, is maintaining eye contact, etc., that it's probably nothing like I think it is. He said the being dodgy about his phone and taking it into the shower with him is odd, but probably because he's confiding in someone about me. I did ask him to make a big decision about us living together just a few days ago almost right before this all started so it could be he's confiding in someone about that.

 

He claims she has a boyfriend (even gave me a name), told me where she works, how they know each other (used to work together), that they (this girl and my bf) have never dated/slept together/had feelings for each other, and like I said was very calm about answering all my questions. Idk. My male friend said it's probably okay and he is most likely just confiding. I should also mention that my male friend said distinctly that he is always going to be on my side, so he's not vouching for my bf out of some male comraderie or anything.

 

After yesterday when I told him I saw the texts and he told me about the pet name thing, I explained that it made me uncomfortable and asked him to please not do it anymore because it's highly inappropriate to call another girl pet names when you're in a relationship. He did get annoyed and didn't talk to much for about 2 hours afterward, but was back to pretty much normal after a while.

 

I guess we'll see how it goes, at this point. I'll keep both eyes on him and if he is still being cagey or guarding his phone with his life or texting this girl, I will take the next step.

[johncarl]

Take it from someone who's done this: he is cheating - if not physically then at least emotionally. He has a connection with this woman that is beyond regular friendship.

 

 

In my view, it won't change. He might stop for a while, but if he isn't already physically intimate with this woman he will become so in the not too distant future: as soon as the opportunity arises. If you don't have a problem with his infidelity than continue along as you have been, otherwise it's probably best to just break up with him.

 

 

If you don't trust him, why stay in a relationship. Not trusting someone is stressful.