What have you learnt from your A?

[SolG]

And I don't mean general stuff... I mean what have you learnt about the essence of who you are and why you ended up where you did? After a lot of reflection and analysis both with, and without xMM, I find I've learnt some very important things.

 

Even before my marriage ended I emphatically told myself, 'Never again'. I believed that I just wasn't suited to long-term committed relationships; that they were doomed to inevitable stagnation and equalled confinement. Further, I'd also convinced myself that, because it was outside of my field of experience, that 'true love' was a bit of a farce. An excuse that my single/divorced female friends used to justify a seemingly (to me) futile, endless search for a 'soul mate' to complete them that really amounted to a delusional impediment to fulfilment of themselves, by themselves. I thought they were weakly conforming and buying into the (again to me) false societal expectation that women need love/a partner to be 'right' in life.

 

Once separated, I had a few dalliances with single men; but with no emotional entanglement. I made it very clear that I was not available in that way and was not interested in the traditional romantic relationship path. I thought that I was impervious to anything of the sort. Then entered xMM...

 

We came together through work then became part of the same team and worked together very closely. There was an instant attraction... but we both deemed the other unavailable and therefore 'safe'. In retrospect, our EA kicked off very quickly. It wasn't long before we were working back late and discussing every facet of our lives and finding many things in common, particularly our Ms. We'd both married adoring partners young because it had seemed like the right thing to do at the time. We'd both gone on to try our hardest to be fulfilled and brought children into the world. We'd both over time found that our efforts could not stave off the growing sense of things not being right.

 

Put that together with growing mutual admiration for each other in general, and that we became an absolutely crack team professionally... we spent more and more time together and became more and more emotionally enmeshed with each other without consciously recognising the slide. For mine, because I thought myself so immune to romantic emotional entanglement, I didn't even see it unfolding right before me. Until one day I looked up and it hit me between the eyes; that THIS is what everyone was talking about, THIS is what it feels like, THIS is love... and despite all my previous protestations to the contrary... I DO want it. And the rest is history.

 

Whilst the A has taught me many things, I think this is the most important thing I've learnt. That I'm not immune to the fundamental human desire to love and be loved. Whilst it is still not something I intend to actively search for, if I ever feel the potential stirring of it again, I now know that I need to quickly step back and recognise it for what it is rather than deny the possibility. And then assess if it is stirring in a context conducive to its healthy growth, and to the healthy growth of all concerned. And if it isn't... I need to walk away at the get go.

 

What have you learnt?

[minimariah]

i really love reading your posts, just wanted to let you know.

 

[LadyLee]

To never have an affair again! That if a man wants you, then he will take action to make the relationship happen. To care about myself too much then to sell myself short by "sharing" someone else's man.

 

Just my .2

 

Lee

[SolG]

To never have an affair again! That if a man wants you, then he will take action to make the relationship happen. To care about myself too much then to sell myself short by "sharing" someone else's man

 

Thank you Lee. Very valid lessons! :-) But I'm wondering about the deeper level learnings... Have you discovered what made you vulnerable in the first place to selling yourself short and sharing a man? What have you learnt about you that will place you to make better choices in the future?

[GoldieLox]

I'm learning what issues led me do this. Yes, there were issues in my marriage, but I feel there were issues with MYSELF that I never properly resolved. You should never let issues from your childhood define who you are, however sometimes these issues, when not properly resolved, have a way of biting you in the butt later. Surprise.

 

I also learned not to take things at face value. That sometimes people can have feelings for more than one person at once. That sometimes the thing that hurts you the most is actually the best thing for you. All pretty much common sense, but sometimes we have to relearn lessons the hard way.

[GypsumSatellite]

I learnt a lot about how I became ripe for the whole R to occur. There was a time my MM made a offhand joke about "Did you have Daddy issues?" because of the age gap between us. I laughed because I loved my father and he treated me kindly, so I had no idea what MM meant.

 

Sitting in IC, I started unraveling how I came to approach all Rs but in specific why I was right place, right time to engage in an A when I was so against the idea of them previous. I had learnt passive behaviors given my parents M and was accustomed to being put in the middle as a youth. When you become the emotional support and pawn of your parents when they should have sought out counseling and help from a trained professional - you pick up some interesting coping mechanisms. You learn not to have your own demands, your own needs. You learn to accept anything even if you believe you're worthy of better treatment. You isolate yourself. You lack boundaries because you're still reliving that interaction you had with your parents and their own lack of boundaries.

 

MM was also ripe for his A with me because of abuse in his background doled out by a trusted person. He learnt to keep secrets as a young age, he learnt to charm to get his way. He learnt to pick out a weaker subject for an easy pickup for a ONS. He habitually dated wounded women, in his eyes.

 

Through the course of the R with him, I gathered strength in measured doses. I began to not be afraid to speak my feelings, to assert myself. At first he bucked against that and then he began to treat me better because I wasn't an easy prey of sorts. Because of the long standing tradition in my family to bear any circumstance to the bitter end and never leave, I began repeating that in the R with my MM. He'd do something awful and I'd actually beg him to stay. He'd cross a line that was revolting and I'd gloss it over figuring he had an excuse. He'd be callous about something and I'd forgive him a dealbreaker because you never give up in my family. You always stay.

 

I learnt how important discussion forums about affairs are. I learnt how to spot abusive situations and recognize them for what they are. I learnt to change the course of the R with my MM. It's a longer process due to how entwined our lives are, but the use of a deadline helps keep you focused. Weaning yourself from feeling grief during NC strengthens you. Excuses lose their veracity the longer you hear them repeated.

 

I know what to look out for, now. I know what behaviors to be wary of. I know not to take close quarters with MMs lightly. I know not to trust or overshare too willingly. I know that flattery, even in kindness, can go too far. I have a sort of checklist in my head when I interact with someone when I'm emotionally vulnerable, now. I make sure my boundaries remain tight.

[Poppy47]

It basically reinforced what I have known about myself forever... I am not comfortable with a full time live in relationship at all.

 

I have had two marriages. The first ended in divorce and the my second husband died 6 years ago. On reflection, I realise that I have never been 100% comfortable with a traditional relationship.

 

An affair situation suits me just fine. It allows me to lead my full busy professional life without having to worry about domestic matters and compromise. I have been with this MM for 7 years and I love him very much. He understands me and that I can't cope with a 24/7 relationship.

 

It suits us both.

[RickFox]

Hmm, I learned I'm a broken selfish person who isn't satisfied and needs validation from folks who simply don't matter. Now that I know all this, I'm better off and so is my marriage

[cocorico]

I learned that I have the capacity for giving and receiving love.

I learned that I can balance my needs with those of another person.

I learned that I can ced control in small ways without feeling threatened.

I learned that I can trust, when my trust is earned.

I learned that I can be happy with someone.

I learned that I can be easy to lose eg with, despite having a very low tolerance for idiocy.

[Popsicle]

The biggest, and most useful lesson came from learning that many MM WILL engage in an A if you avail yourself. I didn't know this before. I thought most MM would simply say they are M and not engage. Not so. This goes hand in hand with me learning how many people are unhappy in their M.

 

The other lesson was, of course, to never engage with a MM again.

[still_an_Angel]

I learned not to place my happiness on another person. I find my happiness and contentment within myself and not rely on someone who loves me but has placed another person's welfare over mine. MM can only put 50% on the table, then I will also put 50% of me. I will not sit around and wait for this relationship to become 100% because it will not happen.

 

 

I have learned that I am strong enough to go out there and pursue what makes me happy, even if it means I have to be alone in my journey. I will not settle for half a relationship just for security and face value. MM's W goes to great lengths to present to the world how their M is ideal, long-lasting, forever, etc. MM projects this too, even though he feels trapped in his M, unable to do what he really wants or express his true desires.

 

 

But I'm still deep in the A despite what I have learned. I feel like MM and myself are like 2 bobbing boats in the sea, both able to survive without the other but have chosen to tie the ropes together and travel not far from each other.

[snl]

Hi SolG I was single for 14 years after I divorced. Enjoying all the "benefits" of being single. many pysical encounters with no commitment and to afraid to get any deeper with anyone....

 

The A made me suddenly realize how I actually am missing out on a true deep emotional connection with someone, how I miss out on loving someone. The MW i was with made me feel like again there is some meaning in my life and not just living the day... we were making plans for the future... I got so endlessly excited. I felt this is what I wanted. When eventually though she pulled back (her partner didnt want to break up, and eventually she kept asking and asking for more time)- she could have left maybe if she really wanted but that is not the point anymore for me. I learned to stay away from such situations hopefully in the future and not accepting to be waiting on the side anymore for anyone- NO to time sharing/ love sharing someone. An additional something that i learned though or developed later after the break up to be more sensitive to others who are going through heartpain. I never thought people should let them go "just" because of love. So ignorant and wrong from me to underestimate the impact of heartbreak but especially other man/other woman scenario can be so painful.

 

I also learned that in order to make someone else happy that yourself have to be happy and not to depend on someone else to be happy.

 

I hope anyone who is in an A and is suffering tries really hard to get out. It is a mess with only pain and heartbreak awaiting eventually (most of the cases...).

[Popsicle]

It basically reinforced what I have known about myself forever... I am not comfortable with a full time live in relationship at all.

 

I have had two marriages. The first ended in divorce and the my second husband died 6 years ago. On reflection, I realise that I have never been 100% comfortable with a traditional relationship.

 

An affair situation suits me just fine. It allows me to lead my full busy professional life without having to worry about domestic matters and compromise. I have been with this MM for 7 years and I love him very much. He understands me and that I can't cope with a 24/7 relationship.

 

It suits us both.

 

Very interesting!

[Bittersweetie]

I learned that I never again want to be a person who is so hurtful and uncaring of others.

 

I learned that I have the right to pursue happiness and love, but not at the expense of someone else.

 

And finally I learned that just like I choose to respect others, I choose to not allow myself to be disrespected again, by anyone.

[Gloria_Smellons]

Sadly at the moment since I am still in the affair, everything I've learned feels rather negative.

 

I've learned that I am more selfish than even I realised.

I've learned that I'm more comfortable with lying to people than I ever thought possible.

I've learned that I will put up with quite a lot of crap for very little payoff.

I've learned that some people don't take marriage very seriously.

I've learned that when it comes to men and relationships in general, I make piss poor choices.

 

I hope that once this is over I will learn some positive and valuable life lessons, like never to engage in an affair ever again for starters.

[Dark Passenger]

I learned that feelings, no matter how passionate, is not necessarily love.

 

I love romance, affection, sexual intimacy, sharing my vulnerable side with a woman (and vice versa) When someone tells me that I "really get them" etc....I'm a sucker for all that. I eat it up because it's lacking in my marriage now. I can't let another woman get me to that place where I'm susceptible to cheat. I have to know my triggers and temptations.

[MissBee]

Thank you Lee. Very valid lessons! :-) But I'm wondering about the deeper level learnings... Have you discovered what made you vulnerable in the first place to selling yourself short and sharing a man? What have you learnt about you that will place you to make better choices in the future?

 

I never thought one bit about it until I came to LS some years ago. It was my second time on LS, after going through some drama with a guy I was briefly seeing. Actually it started with me reading a site baggage reclaim with regards to that situation then I found my way to LS again and the OW/OM section that I'd never even noticed my first time here, and that's when I finally thought back to the A. Basically, I realized that I was attracted to men who were emotionally unavailable or actually unavailable and it largely stemmed from my relationship with my dad. But all of this realization of how and why I attracted similar kinds of men (the A was a variation of the theme and honestly when I realized it I felt physically sick to my stomach) didn't come directly after the A...it took some time out of it and other relationships to finally go back and process it as a part of a larger puzzle.

[dubliner]

SolG, in some ways I was very much like you in that I thought I was an island, I didn't feel long term relationships were for me, that love was a mythical thing and partnerships were born of a desire to conform to societies expectations, to give their lives meaning, and themselves identity.

What have I learnt?

That Im right, I don't need someone to validate me and complete me or make me acceptable to society, but I do need companionship love and intimacy in my life. I need to love as well as be loved.

I've learnt that I was very superficial in my relationship choices in the past, and due to this made very very poor choices.

I've learnt that I need to respect myself and enforce my own boundaries instead of allowing others to define them for me.

I've learnt the hard way that words are meaningless without action.

Ive learnt I'm not as moral as I thought I was

I've learnt to be the driver in my life, not the passenger.

So all considered, I learn to be a better version of me.

[anabel32]

I have learnt that I VERY UNAVAILABLE women, that I am comfortable with relationhsips where I don't have to invest my true intimacy 100% (meaning that I will need to open up) as I am trully scared of that. So I have learnt that I need to learn to work on it going forward and hopefully get some theraphy

 

I also learned that even though I am so UNAVAILABLE I really want to have deep full time relationship in the future.

 

I learnt that (sorry guys- doesn't apply to everyone but..!!!) women are much more emotionally stronger then men. Men hardly leave their spouses for new relationships, we women are more likely to take such risks. We are not afraid, we follow our hearts and feelings rather then staying in comfort zones.

 

I learnt that I have codependency issues and that i have to start working on that.

 

I learnt I guess not to trust people that much...

 

But the positive thing- I learnt that I need to work on myself, accept myself and love myself first before I can have any meaningful relationship with anyone else... so this is the possitive stuff

[solostand]

I learned that I can be a despicable person at times, and I have to fight that urge constantly.

 

I learned that I have Daddy issues.

 

I learned that I can mold myself to whatever the other person wants to see. For example, ex-MM only saw "sweet" when in fact I am also "bitch", but that was hidden.

 

I learned that I am broken inside and need to fix myself.

 

I learned that "love" is really just brain chemicals firing.

[janetl]

I was like the OP. Long bad marriage. No real relationships. Long single life after, then the EA.

 

I learned I can feel and come alive. I learned how closed I was.

I learned I have so much inside me that needs so much care and protection and I do need someone who can truly understand it. That someone, is first me.

I learned I can be loved so deeply that I had never imagined.

I learned I can care for someone almost selflessly.

I learned what I need to truly be in love, how much trust, how much honesty and how much openness it takes.

I learned that it can't happen with anyone, for me. But it can happen.

[Rainbowlove]

I learned how easily I lost myself.

 

I learned how much I could dislike myself.

 

I learned what truly matters most in my life.

 

I learned if I don't like myself, it doesn't matter if anyone else does.

 

I learned how to overcome a broken heart - and how to pick myself up and move forward.

 

I learned the power of forgiveness.

 

I learned that nothing means more to me than being the best mother I can be to my son.

 

I learned the grass is not always greener.

 

I learned that marriage is hard work.

 

I learned what my needs are and how to articulate them and how to ask for them, if they are not being met.

 

I learned I need help sometimes and that's okay.

 

I learned that I am one lucky lady to have my wife by my side.

[Chasing_mya]

I have learned that I'm capable of things I never knew I could be. I've learned that I'm good at manipulation and being whatever that person wants me to be. It scared me alot and didn't want to be that person. I've learned to run like all h@ll if I'm ever in that position again. It will haunt you for the rest of your life....

[the_artist_1970]

I learnt a lot about how I became ripe for the whole R to occur. There was a time my MM made a offhand joke about "Did you have Daddy issues?" because of the age gap between us. I laughed because I loved my father and he treated me kindly, so I had no idea what MM meant.

 

Sitting in IC, I started unraveling how I came to approach all Rs but in specific why I was right place, right time to engage in an A when I was so against the idea of them previous. I had learnt passive behaviors given my parents M and was accustomed to being put in the middle as a youth. When you become the emotional support and pawn of your parents when they should have sought out counseling and help from a trained professional - you pick up some interesting coping mechanisms. You learn not to have your own demands, your own needs. You learn to accept anything even if you believe you're worthy of better treatment. You isolate yourself. You lack boundaries because you're still reliving that interaction you had with your parents and their own lack of boundaries.

 

MM was also ripe for his A with me because of abuse in his background doled out by a trusted person. He learnt to keep secrets as a young age, he learnt to charm to get his way. He learnt to pick out a weaker subject for an easy pickup for a ONS. He habitually dated wounded women, in his eyes.

 

Through the course of the R with him, I gathered strength in measured doses. I began to not be afraid to speak my feelings, to assert myself. At first he bucked against that and then he began to treat me better because I wasn't an easy prey of sorts. Because of the long standing tradition in my family to bear any circumstance to the bitter end and never leave, I began repeating that in the R with my MM. He'd do something awful and I'd actually beg him to stay. He'd cross a line that was revolting and I'd gloss it over figuring he had an excuse. He'd be callous about something and I'd forgive him a dealbreaker because you never give up in my family. You always stay.

 

I learnt how important discussion forums about affairs are. I learnt how to spot abusive situations and recognize them for what they are. I learnt to change the course of the R with my MM. It's a longer process due to how entwined our lives are, but the use of a deadline helps keep you focused. Weaning yourself from feeling grief during NC strengthens you. Excuses lose their veracity the longer you hear them repeated.

 

I know what to look out for, now. I know what behaviors to be wary of. I know not to take close quarters with MMs lightly. I know not to trust or overshare too willingly. I know that flattery, even in kindness, can go too far. I have a sort of checklist in my head when I interact with someone when I'm emotionally vulnerable, now. I make sure my boundaries remain tight.

 

This is a great post. Thank you for sharing.

[Ronnie33]

I learned that I was capable of the thing I used to judge others so harshly for. I learned that just because you fall in love with someone doesn't mean you are meant to be together. I learned that I could lose myself to the point that I don't even know who I am anymore and the only person to blame for that and fix it is me. I learned that I can't rely on others for my happiness and that even if my AP and I had ended up together there would still be so much broken inside of me that I needed to work on. I learned that when a relationship is over to stop beating it with a hammer and move on. I learned so much but most of all I learned that none of it was worth my loss of being and self esteem.

Edited March 3, 2015 by Ronnie33