Emma1234 Posted March 1, 2015 Share Posted March 1, 2015 Hey, so we've been seeing each other for a while now, it's a long distance relationship and there is a lot of history, but basically he has said that he doesn't want things posted about us on social media in case it hurts his ex. I feel so undervalued and terrible about this. I want him to be proud of me and to have something 'normal' with him but I feel like things are being dominated by whatever feelings he has for his ex. They still speak quite a lot, I told him I was uncomfortable with it and now it's every 10 days or something, they broke up nearly a year ago. I don't know whether to walk away or not because I feel unappreciated and like he has too much baggage that is constantly hurting me, any advice would be amazing Thank you Link to post Share on other sites
Nolan 93 Posted March 1, 2015 Share Posted March 1, 2015 He is not over his ex, and therefore can't give you his all. I've been in your shoes and it does not end well. The best thing is to walk away and who knows maybe he might choose you in the end. But if he can't respect your wishes of him not talking to his ex and is afraid of hurting her feelings if you post something on Social media, walk away. He is treating you as an option and not a priority. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
umirano Posted March 1, 2015 Share Posted March 1, 2015 Break up with him. A LDR isn't worth it if not both sides are 120% committed. You'll try to salvage this, but the mere fact that he expects you to put up with his ex-shenanigans shows that he's on a very different page and it's going to be near impossible to convert him into a loyal committed BF, over a distance too. Sorry... I've been there too. Link to post Share on other sites
CrystalShine2011 Posted March 1, 2015 Share Posted March 1, 2015 I would consider taking a break or actually separate from him. He does not sound like he is ready to move past his ex, and clearly showing signs of it. I know tha tis hard. Good luck OP! Link to post Share on other sites
d0nnivain Posted March 1, 2015 Share Posted March 1, 2015 You are his dirty little secret. He still cares more about her than you. While I am usually not a big fan of ultimatums, here one is appropriate. Post pictures of us -- chose me -- or I will take that as you still picking her & I will leave because you clearly don't value me. Give him a specific time frame to accomplish this. 24 hours should be the outside maximum. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
kendahke Posted March 1, 2015 Share Posted March 1, 2015 Hey, so we've been seeing each other for a while now, it's a long distance relationship and there is a lot of history, but basically he has said that he doesn't want things posted about us on social media in case it hurts his ex. I feel so undervalued and terrible about this. I want him to be proud of me and to have something 'normal' with him but I feel like things are being dominated by whatever feelings he has for his ex. They still speak quite a lot, I told him I was uncomfortable with it and now it's every 10 days or something, they broke up nearly a year ago. I don't know whether to walk away or not because I feel unappreciated and like he has too much baggage that is constantly hurting me, any advice would be amazing Thank you He's not done with his ex if her feelings mean more to him than yours. If he is with you, he should not care if evidence of him moving on with his life is made public. He sounds like he hasn't even begun sorting his baggage--I doubt he's even packed up from that relationship from what you've written. It might be a good idea to just take a few steps back from this for a little bit. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
ExpatInItaly Posted March 1, 2015 Share Posted March 1, 2015 Sorry girl, but he clearly still has feelings for her. I would break up with him 1 Link to post Share on other sites
elaine567 Posted March 1, 2015 Share Posted March 1, 2015 Who ended the relationship, him or the ex? Link to post Share on other sites
stillafool Posted March 1, 2015 Share Posted March 1, 2015 He definitely cares more about her feelings than yours. It is clear he is not over her and hasn't moved on. He doesn't want to give her a reason to move on either that's why he doesn't want her to see him with you. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
justwhoiam Posted March 1, 2015 Share Posted March 1, 2015 She's his option #1. You're his option #2. He probably has hopes though he's aware that nothing might come out of it (aka his efforts). Should she become available and willing to try again, he's the kind of guy you might expect some MIA act from or contact fading. The problem is you have pictures with him. So, he'll have to keep you around and gently break up with you. Because he knows that if he flips you out, you'll lose it and then post stuff etc. In short: he's f-ed. If he's weak, he'll try and follow two agendas for a long time, trying to keep both girls happy. Sort of a foot in both camps strategy. If you try and have his back to the wall, he probably won't put up with the pressure. Chances are he won't give up the dream. So be ready to lose him. I think the best would be that he feels like making it known that you're a couple. He must want it, there's no pushing it. But maybe you can speed up the process, one way or the other. There's still a risk of losing him. Be less available, though still talking to him. Tell him this or that asked you out. You need to see if he cares anything about you. If he has mild to no reaction whatsoever to you being hit on by guys, then there's not much to be saved in your "relationship". See what happens. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Emma1234 Posted March 1, 2015 Author Share Posted March 1, 2015 Thank you everyone, he imitated the break up but it was a very long relationship (4 years). I am visiting at the moment so going to speak tonight I think, I'm not sure what to say to explain it to him properly though Link to post Share on other sites
ExpatInItaly Posted March 2, 2015 Share Posted March 2, 2015 Thank you everyone, he imitated the break up but it was a very long relationship (4 years). I am visiting at the moment so going to speak tonight I think, I'm not sure what to say to explain it to him properly though I think he will know darn well what you're talking about. This should be very simple to explain. Link to post Share on other sites
justwhoiam Posted March 2, 2015 Share Posted March 2, 2015 He could play the pathetic card of privacy or not wanting his private stuff all over the web. But if she were asking for that, pretty sure she'd have it. And then there's possibility #3: he's talking to some other girl(s). And you need to portray yourself as single for that. Maybe he's feeding the other girl(s) with the same lines. In short, very little is clear here. Link to post Share on other sites
justwhoiam Posted March 2, 2015 Share Posted March 2, 2015 P.S. You have no proof whatsoever about all these theories. I guess you should just say that you're not comfortable anymore with being kept secret. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Emma1234 Posted March 2, 2015 Author Share Posted March 2, 2015 You're right. I've written somthing out but I'm not sure it gets the message across. I can't take feeling so undervalued! It feel hopeless. I've intergrated some of your replies so thank you, if anyone can think of a way to explain why this is so bad and why I can't be with him because of all this then I'd really really appreciate any more advice Link to post Share on other sites
d0nnivain Posted March 2, 2015 Share Posted March 2, 2015 Emma1234 This isn't complicated. You say: Your refusal to take & post pictures with me because you don't want to hurt your EX-GF's feelings makes me feel like I'm your dirty little secret. I feel like you care more about her feelings then mine which is wrong since you are dating me not her. You need to put my feelings ahead of hers or I'm outta here. 4 Link to post Share on other sites
anika99 Posted March 2, 2015 Share Posted March 2, 2015 I think he still has something going on with his (ex)gf. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
stillafool Posted March 2, 2015 Share Posted March 2, 2015 You're right. I've written somthing out but I'm not sure it gets the message across. I can't take feeling so undervalued! It feel hopeless. I've intergrated some of your replies so thank you, if anyone can think of a way to explain why this is so bad and why I can't be with him because of all this then I'd really really appreciate any more advice We've already advised you on this. He is making his ex a priority over you. It is clear. Also why write this out just go to him and tell him what dOnnivan said above. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
elaine567 Posted March 2, 2015 Share Posted March 2, 2015 Forget writing anything, just sit him down and tell him, if he refuses to listen or spins you some story then you have your answer and walk away. Do not threaten to break up unless you mean it, if you threaten and then back down that leaves you in a very weak position. He will then know he can do whatever he likes and you will not break up with him. You have to seriously consider whether this is just a rebound relationship and once he is completely healed from this break up after 4 years with this other girl, he will leave you and will then move on to other women. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
justwhoiam Posted March 2, 2015 Share Posted March 2, 2015 I too think you shouldn't write him about this. You'd be giving him time to think things out and find some more excuses, etc. If you talk to him when he's in front of you, there's no beating around the bush. I'm not saying he won't try to, but he'll need to think quick and might slip somewhere... Link to post Share on other sites
Author Emma1234 Posted March 4, 2015 Author Share Posted March 4, 2015 Thank you everyone, I told him everything and he just sat there are said you're right. Then he spent about 4 hours shouting in my face, saying things like she's prettier than you, then taking it back and saying he said that to 'shut me up', he messaged her in front of me saying his great she was and better than me bearing my mind I was in floods of tears, he just didn't care. The way he spoke to me! He wants what he can't have, always has, always will. I blocked him from everything and I will never look back now, he has serious problems, two weeks ago he was telling he'd do anything for me, that he wishes I understand how much I mean to him, gawddddd he even started randomly crying one day at the thought of not seeing me again. I can't have someone that toxic in my life, I'm not going to pity myself, I'll move on, travel, make my own life without him. On my plane home I was upset and there was a 24 year old lady sat next to me, that lady got me chocolate and tissues and sat and spoke to me the entire 3 hour plane journey, giving me her own experiences, her own advice, just amazing stuff. She changed my mindset completely, without her I would not be feeling like this, it's people like that who I want to be around, not selfish people who only care about themselves. 5 Link to post Share on other sites
justwhoiam Posted March 4, 2015 Share Posted March 4, 2015 I'm speechless. Don't let the things he said haunt you. He's just an idiot. You have some moving story there. Now, it can only get better 2 Link to post Share on other sites
kendahke Posted March 4, 2015 Share Posted March 4, 2015 On my plane home I was upset and there was a 24 year old lady sat next to me, that lady got me chocolate and tissues and sat and spoke to me the entire 3 hour plane journey, giving me her own experiences, her own advice, just amazing stuff. She changed my mindset completely, without her I would not be feeling like this, it's people like that who I want to be around, not selfish people who only care about themselves. thank goodness for that angel. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
redglass Posted March 4, 2015 Share Posted March 4, 2015 Thank you everyone, I told him everything and he just sat there are said you're right. Then he spent about 4 hours shouting in my face, saying things like she's prettier than you, then taking it back and saying he said that to 'shut me up', he messaged her in front of me saying his great she was and better than me bearing my mind I was in floods of tears, he just didn't care. The way he spoke to me! He wants what he can't have, always has, always will. I blocked him from everything and I will never look back now, he has serious problems, two weeks ago he was telling he'd do anything for me, that he wishes I understand how much I mean to him, gawddddd he even started randomly crying one day at the thought of not seeing me again. I can't have someone that toxic in my life, I'm not going to pity myself, I'll move on, travel, make my own life without him. On my plane home I was upset and there was a 24 year old lady sat next to me, that lady got me chocolate and tissues and sat and spoke to me the entire 3 hour plane journey, giving me her own experiences, her own advice, just amazing stuff. She changed my mindset completely, without her I would not be feeling like this, it's people like that who I want to be around, not selfish people who only care about themselves. Wow. What a total prat. You are so well rid of this guy. I predict this idiot will try to get you back, even though you've blocked him. He's certainly the type. Make sure you post a hell of a lot of photos of you and your next boyfriend on social media. Hey, one of your male friends would do! 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Zahara Posted March 4, 2015 Share Posted March 4, 2015 On my plane home I was upset and there was a 24 year old lady sat next to me, that lady got me chocolate and tissues and sat and spoke to me the entire 3 hour plane journey, giving me her own experiences, her own advice, just amazing stuff. She changed my mindset completely, without her I would not be feeling like this, it's people like that who I want to be around, not selfish people who only care about themselves. This reminds me of this elderly lady that appeared out of nowhere when I was sitting outside a church one day cyring after being devastated by a man I was seeing. I had my face in my hands sobbing and with no one around -- I suddenly felt a hand on my shoulder. She sat there, holding me and talked to me for a few hours. It brought on the same feelings of peace and the realization that I deserved more. And that there were good people out there. I'm sorry you had to endure such cruelty. But you were bestowed a blessing. And a stranger offered you kindness and care rather than someone that supposedly loved you. You're going to be okay. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
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