Can I get out of this prickly spot?

[SawtoothMars]

Charlotte I'm going to hope SawtoothMars is correct for your sake. Assuming the freak out about the # will be less intense then you think, if you can't dissuade him from asking, make sure you preface the full disclosure now with a contrite explanation that you didn't know how he'd take it. Show it as an effort to preserve his feelings not a full blown desire to deceive. Yes, you did omit the worst parts but hopefully knowing you as long as he has & seeing the true you he can eventually overlook the act & the fact that you weren't sharing all of the details.

 

I can depend on the guy... but any guy with self esteem who has ALREADY dealt with this issue is going to struggle ten times more with the ridiculous level of dishonesty than with the actual act. I mean 8 freakin years of hiding this despite him actually asking some serious questions about it???

 

Most guys would work to get over this because of the kids... and because this is technically nothing new. However, the pattern of deception, disrespect, and blatant self interest... that is going to take effort and time.

 

Or... she can just shut her trap and let him assume she is not a truthful person. Which will slowly but surely erode all trust in the relationship until the kids are old enough that it's safe to find a better woman who isn't a liar.

[spanz1]

let get real here. you had a gang bang with 4 guys? well you can not "accidentally" do that, so stop deluding yourself.

are you really sure you want to be married? really sure he is the one and only guy for you from now on?

I am not so sure. I am talking like for the next 50 years.

If he really is the one, and you really are over these kinky sex sessions with others, then tell him about it. explain how you had to get it out of your system, but decided to never do that again, and that is why you no longer hang with your ex friend. explain that you know telling him about it may be the end, but you are hoping he can forgive you, and you want to devote the rest of your life to him alone.

 

 

if you do not tell him, if you continue to trickle truth him about it, what is to stop you from doing a gang bang again next time you are away and drunk? you hid this past one so well, you will rationalize that you can hide the next one too.

 

 

time to put on your big girl pants and face the music. hope it turns out well for you.

[catapult88]

Exactly, the issue at this point isn't that there was an orgy, the issue is the six years of dishonesty. And yes, that's going to be a big deal to try to work through, but how is the future supposed to be "perfect" when it's continuing to be built on that dishonest foundation?

 

I don't expect that's going to happen her however.

 

So what I would ask instead is that you haven't said why you didn't invite your friend to the wedding. There are general assumptions, but you haven't said it. So why didn't you invite her? And what reasons did you give your husband when he asked?

[SawtoothMars]

Exactly, the issue at this point isn't that there was an orgy, the issue is the six years of dishonesty. And yes, that's going to be a big deal to try to work through, but how is the future supposed to be "perfect" when it's continuing to be built on that dishonest foundation?

 

I don't mean to blow up this thread... but there is just this massive difference between what she did and how she seems to think it is perceived.

 

"After having the man of my dreams cheat on me and shatter my heart, I got drunk and was put into a situation where this friend brought several guys over for a sex thing."

 

The way she seems to think we hear this is:

 

"I went on a vacation and for fun shagged the Harlem Globe Trotters... the whole team at once... Yes... even the wee midgety one."

[d0nnivain]

I mean 8 freakin years of hiding this despite him actually asking some serious questions about it???

 

I got the impression that he was only starting to ask questions now. the question is also why the OP is no longer spending time with a woman he (the husband / BF) understood to be the OP's dear friend. The answer is because the friend reminds her of the cheating night but then again, the OP has been friends with her all these years so why change now?

[sandylee1]

Charlotte

 

I don't know the reasons you've told him you are not best friends, but if you keep on changing your story he'll know your lying.

 

Plain and simple. After that week, she reminds me that I cheated on you and she was a big part of it. I hate that it happened and don't want to be so close with her anymore. I'm ashamed that I cheated and I just want us to move forward happily. I have not cheated on you since that week. That's why and I don't want to discuss it anymore.

 

All above are true statements.

[SawtoothMars]

I got the impression that he was only starting to ask questions now. the question is also why the OP is no longer spending time with a woman he (the husband / BF) understood to be the OP's dear friend. The answer is because the friend reminds her of the cheating night but then again, the OP has been friends with her all these years so why change now?

 

I guess he asked questions then AND now. Also... I mistyped it has been 6 years not 8.

 

What I can't understand is this... is the wedding pending? Or is it past?

 

If the wedding is over and done with then her friend may stay quiet. If the wedding is pending she may be upset enough over the disinvite to go blabbing to the Husband if he asks.

 

This story is just so weird.

[d0nnivain]

I didn’t invite her to the wedding and now my husband is asking questions as to why.

 

SawToothMars The wedding happened. They have 1 child together & the OP is pregnant. What I can't tell is when the wedding was. I am thinking it was recently since this just became an issue.

[Winterina]

Google trickle truth... if you really love this man. See what it does to him. Do you really want to put him through that? The Trickle Truth ~ Infidelity Help Group

 

 

Do you want your kids to grow in a home that is based on a lie? It will come out one day, one way or another truth has its ways of making itself known.

 

 

Every time he tells you he loves you, you will know that he loves a person he thinks you are not you.

 

 

So tell him... and let him know, give him time to get over it, and maybe one day if he tells you he loves you, you will know it is you he loves, not the illusion of who you are.

[SawtoothMars]

SawToothMars The wedding happened. They have 1 child together & the OP is pregnant. What I can't tell is when the wedding was. I am thinking it was recently since this just became an issue.

 

Yeah I read that part too, but invites go out months before the wedding... so "didn't invite" may still indicate an upcoming wedding. However, she uses Husband instead of Fiancé... so I would guess you are correct.

 

Either way... I was able to get one of my xWife's disgruntled friends to give me the run down on every dirty deed she had ever done. The reason she was so willing to talk was because of being completely snubbed as a friend... not invited to weddings... ect.

[Poppygoodwill]

If you confess now that you've lied all along, and tell him what you actually got up to, then your wedding will be called off. All for something that you regret adn will never happen again.

 

Don't give in to the pressure. You already confessed to having betrayed him and together have moved past it. You took responsibility. The details of how much, or in what way, you betrayed him, are no longer relevant.

 

I agree with the person who said that you tell him that she reminds of a time in your life that you want to move past now, once and for all. You'll be married and you want to turn over a new leaf, and having her there would somehow hinder you. Accept that it's not entirely rational, but you're the bride and you feel strongly about it. And leave it at that!

[hyrule]

Have you considered the option that he already knows about everything but he keeps pressuring just to know if you'll eventually tell the truth?

 

Honestly, if I've been told I've been cheated, I wouldn't want to know details.

[elaine567]

If you confess now that you've lied all along, and tell him what you actually got up to, then your wedding will be called off. All for something that you regret adn will never happen again.

 

Don't give in to the pressure. You already confessed to having betrayed him and together have moved past it. You took responsibility. The details of how much, or in what way, you betrayed him, are no longer relevant.

 

I agree with the person who said that you tell him that she reminds of a time in your life that you want to move past now, once and for all. You'll be married and you want to turn over a new leaf, and having her there would somehow hinder you. Accept that it's not entirely rational, but you're the bride and you feel strongly about it. And leave it at that!

 

She is already married with a child and one on the way

[CharlottesWeb]

Every time he tells you he loves you, you will know that he loves a person he thinks you are not you.

 

I can't accept that. He loves me, the person I am now, the person I have been since that day. The notion that the person I am is a lie is just plain wrong. People change, I changed, the person I am now is the same person he fell in love with, the same person he married.

 

If you claim it's all about truth then I assume everyone has no secrets from their partners? If you've told your partner that you've only been with X people previously but you've really been with Y then that's a lie isn't it? That means your partner has fallen in love with the person he thinks you are not the person you really are. That's the logic that seems to be permeating some posts here.

 

The only difference with that and my situation is that we were already together. What doesn't change is how the other person is seeing an edited version of you rather the the full version.

[CharlottesWeb]

To clarify we are married.

 

The reason her not being invited is an issue is that it's only really just raised it's head.

 

She has a job the sees her traveling all over the country and overseas, as a result she regularly misses parties etc so her not being at the wedding was not an unusual occurrence at all.

 

It just recently came out the she was in the country at the time and he questioned why she didn't come and someone (I don't know who) told him she wasn't invited. That's when the questioned started.

 

I did originally tell him that I just didn't want her there because of our past but he didn't believe that as he thought "we were over that and friends again".

 

I then stupidly said that she had made it known that she wanted to do the same as that night again and he was pretty mad with her. But then he found out that was BS as well when he found out that she has actually settled down and is engaged to another woman.

 

My plan is to revert back the the original reason (which is true) that I didn't want her there because of our past. I made up the second reason out of stupidity because I wanted him to not want her in our life as much as I don't want her. Hopefully this works.

[kylle]

I can't accept that. He loves me, the person I am now, the person I have been since that day. The notion that the person I am is a lie is just plain wrong. People change, I changed, the person I am now is the same person he fell in love with, the same person he married.

 

...the same person who lied to him.

 

If you claim it's all about truth then I assume everyone has no secrets from their partners? If you've told your partner that you've only been with X people previously but you've really been with Y then that's a lie isn't it? That means your partner has fallen in love with the person he thinks you are not the person you really are. That's the logic that seems to be permeating some posts here.

 

The only difference with that and my situation is that we were already together. What doesn't change is how the other person is seeing an edited version of you rather the the full version.

 

A lie is still a lie, but you are looking for ways to ease or justify the fact that you lied in the first place.

 

One thing is to lie about number of past partners, other thing is lie to your spouse about how you cheated on him.

 

Now listen, I'm not judging you for what you've done, but he seems to be really pushing this, he knows something is not right and it's possible that he also knows about everything already. And he will keep doing that unless you come clean, or at least lie again until he finds out it's a lie and lose more of his trust in you.

 

If he asks again, just come clean.

[oldshirt]

- she not a "friend of the marriage" and you were in the right to not invite her.

 

 

- you are no longer associated with her so you are in the right for that.

 

 

- she is not a friend of the marriage nor an active friend of your's anymore so that is all the reason you need for not inviting her and that is all the reason he needs to know.

 

 

- he is aware you were not a virgin before marriage and aware of the one dude and aware of your doughnut bumping with this other gal so he knows that neither you nor she were Little Miss Polly Purbreds and he chose to stay with you anyway.

 

 

- after getting a taste of that lifestyle you rejected the lifestyle and you essentially ended the friendship with her and the guys.

 

 

- you have been faithful since the orgy.

 

 

- having knowledge of your orgy will hurt him and will taint his esteem for you.

 

 

- having knowledge of your orgy will not help him or benefit him in any manner. Nor will it help your marriage in any way.

 

 

There for there is no legitimate reason to disclose the orgy. disclosure can only cause harm and can not do anything positive.

 

 

An argument can be made that if you disclose now, the fallout may be less that if he somehow finds out on his own. There may be some truth to that but if full disclosure destroys your relationship then does it really matter if it is destroyed less now?

 

 

I see no positive outcome from disclosure.

[sandylee1]

Charlotte

 

Don't tell him about the four guys. It's in the past and you've ditched the friend. I and others have given examples of what to tell him. Just don't be jumping from one story to the next. You should have stuck with saying after that week, you decided she wasn't a true friend. I mean she encouraged you to cheat on him.

 

There are some things I wouldn't tell my H about my sexual history, although they happened before I met him.

[Gofsttrnlft]

Lots of advice here to keep being dishonest with your husband. I cannot say I condone that at all. What are you more afraid of him knowing that you have kept this from him, or him knowing that you had a "porno" frame of mind one night?

 

You knew your friend. You knew she was promiscuous. You agreed to have a sexual encounter with five other people. Own it. You could have said no or stopped things at any time but you didn't. IMO wanting to experience what you did is nothing to be ashamed about. Being a liar, well that is.

 

So your husband is out and about with a buddy who introduces him to a few new friends. In getting to know them he says he is married to you. One of them says he knows about you, that you used to be kinda wild years ago. Story comes out, he comes home and confronts you about it.

 

The story could come out in any setting. Maybe your friend is not a kiss and tell kind of gal, but I do not know many guys who wouldn't brag about an experience like that. I guarantee more than 6 people know about that night. I kinda feel sorry for you though carrying around the burden of this lie, the deceit, wondering each day if the real story is going to come out somehow.

 

From personal experience, being lied to by my wife has been much harder to deal with than the affair or the sex.

[oldshirt]

Lots of advice here to keep being dishonest with your husband. I cannot say I condone that at all. What are you more afraid of him knowing that you have kept this from him, or him knowing that you had a "porno" frame of mind one night?

 

You knew your friend. You knew she was promiscuous. You agreed to have a sexual encounter with five other people. Own it. You could have said no or stopped things at any time but you didn't. IMO wanting to experience what you did is nothing to be ashamed about. Being a liar, well that is.

 

So your husband is out and about with a buddy who introduces him to a few new friends. In getting to know them he says he is married to you. One of them says he knows about you, that you used to be kinda wild years ago. Story comes out, he comes home and confronts you about it.

 

The story could come out in any setting. Maybe your friend is not a kiss and tell kind of gal, but I do not know many guys who wouldn't brag about an experience like that. I guarantee more than 6 people know about that night. I kinda feel sorry for you though carrying around the burden of this lie, the deceit, wondering each day if the real story is going to come out somehow.

 

From personal experience, being lied to by my wife has been much harder to deal with than the affair or the sex.

 

 

 

There is some truth to all of that. The orgy and the lies may come out and taint your marriage some day. They really might.

 

 

But if you confess to it all now, it may blow everything up as well.

 

 

So it all boils down to how many "might" dice do you want to roll?

 

 

Do you fess up and guarantee that there will be a lot of pain and dirt and mud and maybe the marriage will survive in the long run and maybe it won't?

 

 

Or do you roll the dice and hope that it doesn't come out?

 

 

Another option is to see a marriage counselor by yourself on the down low and discuss this with him/her and get her professional opinion on the matter and get his/her professional opinion on what you should do.

 

 

If the counselor recommends keeping it a secret he/she can advise on how to basically rugsweep it all and how to deal with it if it does pop up years down the road.

 

 

And if the counselor recommends disclosure he/she can advise on how to disclose and perhaps disclose it in the counselor's office with counselor available to mediate.

[SawtoothMars]

I can't accept that. He loves me, the person I am now, the person I have been since that day. The notion that the person I am is a lie is just plain wrong. People change, I changed, the person I am now is the same person he fell in love with, the same person he married.

If you claim it's all about truth then I assume everyone has no secrets from their partners? If you've told your partner that you've only been with X people previously but you've really been with Y then that's a lie isn't it? That means your partner has fallen in love with the person he thinks you are not the person you really are. That's the logic that seems to be permeating some posts here.

The only difference with that and my situation is that we were already together. What doesn't change is how the other person is seeing an edited version of you rather the the full version.

 

Your partner is ASKING about this... although not directly.

 

Look... all guys expect that women lie through their teeth about how many guys they slept with. I'm pretty sure my wife was very honest with me... because my love means not judging her based on that. I'm not exactly pure as the driven snow myself. I think she struggles more with my past than I do with hers... although this seems to get better over time. Anyway... if my wife came back and told me about some extra guy or two she slept with... it wouldn't bother me at all. If she was working as a prostitute... THAT might shock me... but I'm not leaving.

 

Love means she can always tell me the truth and love means I stick with her. If you don't have that kind of relationship... that is kind of sad... because it isn't really love.

 

To clarify we are married.

The reason her not being invited is an issue is that it's only really just raised it's head.

She has a job the sees her traveling all over the country and overseas, as a result she regularly misses parties etc so her not being at the wedding was not an unusual occurrence at all.

It just recently came out the she was in the country at the time and he questioned why she didn't come and someone (I don't know who) told him she wasn't invited. That's when the questioned started.

I did originally tell him that I just didn't want her there because of our past but he didn't believe that as he thought "we were over that and friends again".

I then stupidly said that she had made it known that she wanted to do the same as that night again and he was pretty mad with her. But then he found out that was BS as well when he found out that she has actually settled down and is engaged to another woman.

My plan is to revert back the the original reason (which is true) that I didn't want her there because of our past. I made up the second reason out of stupidity because I wanted him to not want her in our life as much as I don't want her. Hopefully this works.

 

Ugh... you are going to change stories AGAIN?

 

Even if this accomplishes your goal, I don't think it's good for either of you.

 

I do wish you and your family the best... otherwise I wouldn't waste my time typing this. I hope whatever choice you make turns out well for everyone.

[blueskyday]

Make an appointment with a marriage counselor to work through this. You can have a safe and mediated conversation, and you will both have professional emotional support.

 

Tell him you love him and will do anything for him, and for your marriage. Then go to counseling and tell ALL the truth. You will have to deal with the fall out, but love trumps all. As long as you are sorry, take responsibility, and atone humbly, I think you will pull through this.

 

He loves you. You love him. Love is the truth. Anything less than honesty, is manipulation.