Fear of the future- Cheating husbands

[malinee]

Hi,

 

I don't really know how to start.. I'm 27 years old and have been in a wonderful relationship with my bf for the past 2.5 years, been living together for a year now, planning to get married in the next year and buying a house together.

 

I think I have extreme jealousy problems- But maybe not in the common sense. I'm not really worried that my bf is going to cheat on me anytime soon, or even in the next few years. What I'm way more worried about is how it's going to be when we're older or old. I have this crazy (or maybe not so crazy) fear that when I'm old that my bf (then husband) will cheat because

 

1. I won't be as attractive anymore as I am now

 

2. We will be used to each other, and even though I don't doubt we will still share a deep love for each other, there will be a lack of fun and excitement in bed because we've done it a million times before

 

3. In a few years, he will get promoted (that's 99% sure) and will be traveling more for work, probably staying in hotels in other cities (even countries) for 2 nights a week.

 

 

 

 

... I have to add that my SO has never done anything that would make me doubt his faithfulness. As far as I know, he has never cheated, never lied, never hidden anything. I've had this fear before with other boyfriends, but never to the extent I have it now, probably because I've never been in such a serious relationship. Also I should mention that I had three boyfriends before him and that two of them cheated on me, with women less attractive than me. I KNOW I'm attractive (I was a model in my early-mid twenties), but I also know that I'm not gonna be attractive for the rest of my life.

 

Also, my parents have been married for 30 years, but they have cheated on each other a couple of times in the last years. It's always a huge drama when the other one finds out, but they never decided to leave. They love each other a lot, but it's probably a sick kind of love, if they keep cheating, but still want to be together. I talked about it with my mom once and she said 'Now you're too young to understand this. When I was your age, our relationship was also wonderful and romantic and all I ever wanted. But after many years, you reach that point where nothing is new anymore and you start dreaming about other things. And then it often just happens that you find a new thrill and happiness in another person.'

 

I'm so scared I'm gonna end up like my parents. And I'm scared that I will be trapped when I'm maybe 45, maybe with kids, and find out that my husband has been cheating.

 

Don't men in general cheat more than women? Especially if you've been married for years, isn't it quite common that men (or both) start cheating? I mean, as long as they get the opportunity of course. My SO is an attractive, intelligent man with a good job and a great sense of humor, I could totally see that even when he's older that younger women could be into him.

 

Well, not quite sure what I'm expecting out of this thread. I'd like to hear your opinion on if most men/people cheat after being married a long time. If most men cheat IF there's the opportunity of sleeping with a younger woman. And does anyone share my fears? How to you cope?

 

 

Thank you!

[No Limit]

Nope, the cheating statistics all go for 50/50. But yeah, in a world where getting sex is a phone call away there's always a risk. It depends on your feelings for your partner if you decide whether it'll be worth it anyway or not.

 

It's not so much the cheating that gets me but the lies. But I'm pretty damaged regarding trust so I "cope" by not getting into romantic relationships.

[malinee]

Thank you. You don't wanna have a serious relationship for the rest of your life? For the same reasons as I have?

 

Yea, I don't know if it's a problem of our generation but it seems so. My grandma died recently and my grandfather loved her til the end, took care of her for 3 years while she was sick and couldn't get out of bed. They were married for 59 years and it was always more than obvious how much they love each other. My mom said she doubts that any of them ever cheated. I don't know if today this still exists.

 

I trust my partner, but my fears drive me crazy. I know I also wouldn't trust another guy, if I wasn't with him. Its not his fault. At the same time I don't wanna be alone for the rest of my life. But I've seen numerous relationships fail because of cheating. It's so easy because of the internet and cell phones. And many people don't seem to care anymore if they hook up with someone who's in a relationship or married.

[kendahke]

Hi,

 

I don't really know how to start.. I'm 27 years old and have been in a wonderful relationship with my bf for the past 2.5 years, been living together for a year now, planning to get married in the next year and buying a house together.

 

I think I have extreme jealousy problems- But maybe not in the common sense. I'm not really worried that my bf is going to cheat on me anytime soon, or even in the next few years. What I'm way more worried about is how it's going to be when we're older or old. I have this crazy (or maybe not so crazy) fear that when I'm old that my bf (then husband) will cheat because

 

1. I won't be as attractive anymore as I am now

 

2. We will be used to each other, and even though I don't doubt we will still share a deep love for each other, there will be a lack of fun and excitement in bed because we've done it a million times before

 

3. In a few years, he will get promoted (that's 99% sure) and will be traveling more for work, probably staying in hotels in other cities (even countries) for 2 nights a week.

 

 

 

 

... I have to add that my SO has never done anything that would make me doubt his faithfulness. As far as I know, he has never cheated, never lied, never hidden anything. I've had this fear before with other boyfriends, but never to the extent I have it now, probably because I've never been in such a serious relationship. Also I should mention that I had three boyfriends before him and that two of them cheated on me, with women less attractive than me. I KNOW I'm attractive (I was a model in my early-mid twenties), but I also know that I'm not gonna be attractive for the rest of my life.

 

Also, my parents have been married for 30 years, but they have cheated on each other a couple of times in the last years. It's always a huge drama when the other one finds out, but they never decided to leave. They love each other a lot, but it's probably a sick kind of love, if they keep cheating, but still want to be together. I talked about it with my mom once and she said 'Now you're too young to understand this. When I was your age, our relationship was also wonderful and romantic and all I ever wanted. But after many years, you reach that point where nothing is new anymore and you start dreaming about other things. And then it often just happens that you find a new thrill and happiness in another person.'

 

I'm so scared I'm gonna end up like my parents. And I'm scared that I will be trapped when I'm maybe 45, maybe with kids, and find out that my husband has been cheating.

 

Don't men in general cheat more than women? Especially if you've been married for years, isn't it quite common that men (or both) start cheating? I mean, as long as they get the opportunity of course. My SO is an attractive, intelligent man with a good job and a great sense of humor, I could totally see that even when he's older that younger women could be into him.

 

Well, not quite sure what I'm expecting out of this thread. I'd like to hear your opinion on if most men/people cheat after being married a long time. If most men cheat IF there's the opportunity of sleeping with a younger woman. And does anyone share my fears? How to you cope?

 

 

Thank you!

 

I think resentment and bitterness would be something I'd fear more than aging. We all get old, but inability to forgive, to admit fault when one is in the wrong, to blame instead of own one's part in a problem does way more damage, over the long term, and leads to resentment, which is more times than not used to justify allowing breaches in intimacy, EA's and eventually PA's.

 

I also think that being with someone who no longer showed me that they loved me, but is seething with resentment while occupying the same home as me because they want to "win the war" would be a total misery. I fear a miserable existence more than I do an affair discovery, and I've been cheated on.

 

No, most men in marriage do not cheat, nor do most women. None of my married friends are cheating, that I know of and neither are their spouses. The man that I'm dating is a widower and he doesn't cheat--didn't cheat on his late wife and I believe him when he says that he would never cheat on me. Cheating is a conscious choice--one that every person is capable of avoiding, but some choose not to. No one can make a person cheat if that person is adamant on never going in that direction or putting themselves in a position for cheating to even take place. Period.

 

It would be a good idea for you to resolve your issues with your past boyfriends and their cheating on you and not bring that baggage into this relationship for your boyfriend to bear. That's not fair to him. That should have been long resolved before you two got together.

 

People cheat not because of a younger person, but because they've given themselves permission to violate their vows or the esteem of their relationship in order to indulge selfishness. For whatever reasons that have gone into them justifying it with themselves to do it--at the end of the day, they decided to hell with their spouse, they're going to be selfish. It's very easy to determine a person's level of selfishness long before you legally bind yourself to them. What's hard for some people is seeing things for "what is", instead of pining for "what they wished would be". Not telling yourself the truth about the person you're with because you have an agenda of being married to them is destructive.

 

As I get older, I find that beauty manifests in grace and serenity, not looks. I see older women all around me and a huge majority of them are beautiful and graceful, with a certain je ne sais quoi that lights them up from the inside. One can do as much as they can to keep their looks, but if the self doesn't also get developed, it can lead to shallowness and no depth of character.

 

For inspiration on the grace and beauty of older women, you should research "Advanced Style". I look forward to my golden years after seeing these vibrant, beautiful older women.

[d0nnivain]

Your norm growing up was a bad relationship between cheating parents so you think everybody is like that.

 

 

My parents never cheated. I think staying married until death do you part is the norm because that is what my parents did & that is what all of my childhood friends parents did. Yes I know people who's parents divorced. My ILs are divorced. But my norm never involved cheating.

 

 

In a good relationship you grow closer over time, not farther apart. Your mind's eye still sees the attractive young person even when the mirror shows a few extra pounds, thinning hair & wrinkled skin.

[preraph]

You just need to make sure you know your man's ethics well enough to know if he could live with himself if he cheated or not. It's really not about how much he loves you as it is about his personal belief system.

 

Yes, a lot of men seek divorce when their wife is nearing 40 and trade in for a younger model. You need to be sure your man loves you for you and not just for your body before you decide to spend your life with him.

 

Be sure your goals align enough and that you both agree on kids or how many and who takes care of them, who shares housework, etc., and be sure you're on the same page financially and one of you isn't careless while the other is very conservative. Glad you're living with him because that will tell you a lot. But add a kid to the mix, and it's too late if that doesn't go well, so have some long talks about division of labor and expectations of care and approaches to discipline. If you have gaps there, you have to get on the same page.

[No Limit]

Thank you. You don't wanna have a serious relationship for the rest of your life? For the same reasons as I have?

 

Pretty much the same reasons. My father was a serial cheater but instead of seeking revenge my mom took the sane choice and divorced. There's infidelity - emotional and physical - all around me (2 guys in relationships, one of them married with two young children approached me - no thanks; multiple cheating occuring in my friend circle and to aquaintances; in my case it's an age thing though, I'm only 18 years old so it'll take a decade until people feel like they want to take their partner seriously). Only difference here was traumatic psycho bullying which went on for 2 years which included my now ex-best friend (basically my non-blood-related sister for 2 years) to turn against me, ever since I've kept myself guarded better than the USA-Mexico-border ever could.

 

People are fickle, but there are a few gems out there who stand by their values still. Had both girls and guys saying that they don't cheat because it goes against everything they want to be and stand for. Other times people have cheated once and learned their lesson. In the end it comes down to one question - do you feel safe with your partner?

 

Yea, I don't know if it's a problem of our generation but it seems so. My grandma died recently and my grandfather loved her til the end, took care of her for 3 years while she was sick and couldn't get out of bed. They were married for 59 years and it was always more than obvious how much they love each other. My mom said she doubts that any of them ever cheated. I don't know if today this still exists.

 

No, it's not. It's just more out in the open today. Although to be honest I do suspect that at least male infidelity was far more common than female infidelity, with so many women being only at home taking care of household and children.

 

I trust my partner, but my fears drive me crazy. I know I also wouldn't trust another guy, if I wasn't with him. Its not his fault. At the same time I don't wanna be alone for the rest of my life. But I've seen numerous relationships fail because of cheating. It's so easy because of the internet and cell phones. And many people don't seem to care anymore if they hook up with someone who's in a relationship or married.

 

The other people aren't the problem, the partners are. When someone is interested in someone who is in a relationship, the person in the relationship isn't automatically forced to have sex with him or her. It's always a choice. And some people take the wrong choice, sadly.

 

Regarding more practical advice, this post is spot on:

 

You just need to make sure you know your man's ethics well enough to know if he could live with himself if he cheated or not. It's really not about how much he loves you as it is about his personal belief system.

 

Yes, a lot of men seek divorce when their wife is nearing 40 and trade in for a younger model. You need to be sure your man loves you for you and not just for your body before you decide to spend your life with him.

 

Be sure your goals align enough and that you both agree on kids or how many and who takes care of them, who shares housework, etc., and be sure you're on the same page financially and one of you isn't careless while the other is very conservative. Glad you're living with him because that will tell you a lot. But add a kid to the mix, and it's too late if that doesn't go well, so have some long talks about division of labor and expectations of care and approaches to discipline. If you have gaps there, you have to get on the same page.

Edited March 2, 2015 by No Limit