We Met ONLINE.

[LaraBond]

Hello friends.

 

I've wrote this topic because I need to tell someone about my story. It's been five years and I haven't spoken to a soul about it, now though I feel like I want to so bad and I need some serious help and advice.

 

What you need to know about my story is I'm a 27 years old indian girl who met a 40 years old american guy though an online website. It wasn't a dating website or anything like that. Actually both of us weren't looking for love at the time. It happened on a websites that discusses music and films, we started messaging as friends to be honest and it all went from there. After two years of just messaging our thoughts and stuff and I gotta say we have exactly the same taste in virtually everything. We we're having feeling for each other obviously but keeping it to ourselves until he asked me to be with him for life and be his wife!!!

 

We never met personally, still haven't. It's been 5 years since we're together. It's painful as hell to have a long distance relationship but we're just working on that part now.

 

It's really difficult coming from my background where most marriages are done through the family first then the two young people get to know each other. How am I gonna tell my family about this guy, he obviously wants to marry me and ask my family for their permission. I'm just having doubts now about how the first meeting is going to go? - My family know him as a friend, I've spoken about him as a friend, it's just I don't think my family understands me being in love with this guy. I don't know what to tell my parents about it all.

 

I know a lot of things are going against us, we're not from the same country, the age difference, english isn't my first language and we met freaking online!!

 

Can you give me any feedback or anything on how to convince my family?

[d0nnivain]

. We we're having feeling for each other obviously but keeping it to ourselves until he asked me to be with him for life and be his wife!!!

 

We never met personally, still haven't. It's been 5 years since we're together. It's painful as hell to have a long distance relationship but we're just working on that part now.

 

Can you give me any feedback or anything on how to convince my family?

 

 

It doesn't matter that you met OL. The only thing that matters is that you haven't met at all in person yet! The marriage proposal is not real & should not be considered real until you meet in person & court in a more conventional manner.

 

 

Get him to your country. Have him stay in a hotel. Meet him. Introduce him to you family. After they have known him for a while, reveal that you are dating. A while after that have him propose: talk to your family, get a ring, be engaged for a respectable period. During that work on whatever immigration issues exist. Then you can get married if after all that you are still together.

[Davey L]

It doesn't matter that you met OL. The only thing that matters is that you haven't met at all in person yet! The marriage proposal is not real & should not be considered real until you meet in person & court in a more conventional manner.

 

 

Get him to your country. Have him stay in a hotel. Meet him. Introduce him to you family. After they have known him for a while, reveal that you are dating. A while after that have him propose: talk to your family, get a ring, be engaged for a respectable period. During that work on whatever immigration issues exist. Then you can get married if after all that you are still together.

 

Exactly my thoughts too. Invite him to visit; if he's serious he'll come.

[newmoon]

you need to meet. you have a pen pal right now, not a boyfriend, not a lover, not a marriage, and no reason to tell your family. MEET. this man could be engaged, married, have kids, etc. you have no idea the life he is leading and why in 5 years you haven't met one another.

[justwhoiam]

Hi LaraBond,

 

First of all, welcome to the LS forum.

 

I'm a 27 years old indian girl who met a 40 years old american guy though an online website.

Are those your current ages or those from when you met online the first time?

 

he asked me to be with him for life and be his wife!!!

So, was that 3 years ago? Why didn't he come and see you in India? I'm sorry, but considering his age and that he lives in the USA, he should be able to afford the trip to India. Something smells wrong.

 

It's been 5 years since we're together.

Are you including the two years of only friendship? Or what? I'm confused.

 

It's painful as hell to have a long distance relationship but we're just working on that part now.

What do you mean by that? How are you working on "that part" and what is "that part"?

 

It's really difficult coming from my background where most marriages are done through the family first then the two young people get to know each other.

Do you have any idea if your parents already chose someone for you? You're 27, which should be a "good enough" age to get married, especially in India.

 

How am I gonna tell my family about this guy

I think you should have him come to visit you. When the trip is 100% sure, he's bought the flight, reserved the hotel room, etc. then you can tell your parents that your old friend is coming to India and ask them if they would like to meet him, you'd be comfortable meeting him in their presence. I guess they would wisely welcome the idea, that you just meet him in front of them. I know it can be a bit awkward, especially for him, but if he's willing to give it a go, he will overcome any difficulties. Where there's will, there's a way. Also, your parents would be proud of you because you'd be willing to involve them in this meeting and not making a big deal out of it. After all, he's just a friend, right? Then, during his stay, and visiting you every day, like a week in, you drop the bomb, but still gently and in a mature way. You tell them: this man is what I've always wanted in a man, he's kind, caring, listening, etc. and he confessed he loves me deeply; we want to get married. So that you can prepare them a bit. And then he can propose officially and talk to your parents/father. Tell the guy, before he comes what is custom marriage-wise in your country. So that he will know how to and doing things right, respecting your family traditions.

 

I'm just having doubts now about how the first meeting is going to go?

Meeting him with your parents will provide a safety net for you, on many levels. Guess if you meet him and you don't like him or realize you don't feel any sparks with him. The meeting could be at the airport if your parents agree to pick him up there, or directly at your house, in that case he'll take a taxi, or you can send some cousin to pick him up. It could be a bit awkward in the beginning, but then you'll feel more relaxed. And he will too. Especially if your family speaks English too.

 

I know a lot of things are going against us, we're not from the same country, the age difference, english isn't my first language and we met freaking online!!

Country shouldn't matter, especially if you're willing to relocate, because I don't think this guy will drop his job and move to India. So you really need to be honest with yourself and understand if you really love him.

A 12 or 13-year gap in age is not a big deal, especially in India, where I guess this is not so uncommon. Provided the man is well off and not completely broke. My man is 10 years older than me.

English not being your first language shouldn't be a problem either. I'm not sure what you do for a living, but I guess you'd have plenty of opportunities in the USA awaiting you.

Meeting online is not unusual anymore.

 

Can you give me any feedback or anything on how to convince my family?

If you can, feel free to try what I suggested above. Any detail that can ease the process can be added to the picture, so that your chances of success grow. For instance, if you know your father sees more favorably men dressed a certain way, if he doesn't like people with long hair, etc. let your friend be close to your father's ideal man for you.

 

Good luck.

[SincereOnlineGuy]

LaraBond,

 

I just want to point out that while you are likely to gain reasonable approval from the LoveShack audience here, it should be noted that most Loveshack people are from the western world, and thus cannot personally relate to your unique challenges with traditional family.

 

I mean, sure, everybody has family, but in America the media is so thorough (if not good) that we get to hear every zany thing we can think of before we can think of it, concerning human interactions.

 

So in the USA we need only wait a few moments after dropping our own bombshells before somebody else in the news will have a far greater bombshell than we could invent for ourselves.

 

 

In a way, finding a lover is like selecting one's top choices for favorite universities to attend - the end result really doesn't matter as much as people like to believe, but the self-investing done on the way toward selecting a university/lover IS what will create the significant payoff in the end.

 

You have for all of this time been sharing personal investments with this guy, and IF you meet for the first time and find him to be authentic in every way, then you'll have something dear, no matter what your family thinks or says.

 

I just don't know that too many Loveshack people will be qualified to give you specific guidance tailored to your culture and world.

[LaraBond]

It doesn't matter that you met OL. The only thing that matters is that you haven't met at all in person yet! The marriage proposal is not real & should not be considered real until you meet in person & court in a more conventional manner.

 

 

Get him to your country. Have him stay in a hotel. Meet him. Introduce him to you family. After they have known him for a while, reveal that you are dating. A while after that have him propose: talk to your family, get a ring, be engaged for a respectable period. During that work on whatever immigration issues exist. Then you can get married if after all that you are still together.

 

Thats a great reply, made me feel better and have a clear vision of what's gonna happen so thank you. We'll do that.

[LaraBond]

Exactly my thoughts too. Invite him to visit; if he's serious he'll come.

 

He will. I have no doubts.

[LaraBond]

LaraBond,

 

I just want to point out that while you are likely to gain reasonable approval from the LoveShack audience here, it should be noted that most Loveshack people are from the western world, and thus cannot personally relate to your unique challenges with traditional family.

 

I mean, sure, everybody has family, but in America the media is so thorough (if not good) that we get to hear every zany thing we can think of before we can think of it, concerning human interactions.

 

So in the USA we need only wait a few moments after dropping our own bombshells before somebody else in the news will have a far greater bombshell than we could invent for ourselves.

 

 

In a way, finding a lover is like selecting one's top choices for favorite universities to attend - the end result really doesn't matter as much as people like to believe, but the self-investing done on the way toward selecting a university/lover IS what will create the significant payoff in the end.

 

You have for all of this time been sharing personal investments with this guy, and IF you meet for the first time and find him to be authentic in every way, then you'll have something dear, no matter what your family thinks or says.

 

I just don't know that too many Loveshack people will be qualified to give you specific guidance tailored to your culture and world.

 

I appreciate the replies that I got, they've been helpful and discussing with more people is kind of a relief. Glad that I joined the website.

[LaraBond]

Hi LaraBond,

 

First of all, welcome to the LS forum.

 

Thank you

 

Are those your current ages or those from when you met online the first time?

 

Yes these are the current ages now. I'm 27 and he's 40.

 

 

So, was that 3 years ago? Why didn't he come and see you in India? I'm sorry, but considering his age and that he lives in the USA, he should be able to afford the trip to India. Something smells wrong.

 

Yes it was three years ago, he didn't come because I was still a student and was studying at the university so we agreed that he'll visit after my graduation then he changed his job so there was the off days issue with his new job and figuring out when he can take a break and come so he's saving money now he will be visiting soon.

 

Are you including the two years of only friendship? Or what? I'm confused.

 

Yes I'm including the two years of friendship, then it happened three years ago we've been together ever since so we do message everyday as soon both of us are up till we sleep.

 

What do you mean by that? How are you working on "that part" and what is "that part"?

 

I meant we are working on him visiting soon. That's why I asked you guys for the help of what to do when he's here and how to convince my family.

 

Do you have any idea if your parents already chose someone for you? You're 27, which should be a "good enough" age to get married, especially in India.

 

True, but luckily there isn't one for me still. That's also why we're not gonna wait any longer and hoping he visits soon.

 

I think you should have him come to visit you. When the trip is 100% sure, he's bought the flight, reserved the hotel room, etc. then you can tell your parents that your old friend is coming to India and ask them if they would like to meet him, you'd be comfortable meeting him in their presence. I guess they would wisely welcome the idea, that you just meet him in front of them. I know it can be a bit awkward, especially for him, but if he's willing to give it a go, he will overcome any difficulties. Where there's will, there's a way. Also, your parents would be proud of you because you'd be willing to involve them in this meeting and not making a big deal out of it. After all, he's just a friend, right? Then, during his stay, and visiting you every day, like a week in, you drop the bomb, but still gently and in a mature way. You tell them: this man is what I've always wanted in a man, he's kind, caring, listening, etc. and he confessed he loves me deeply; we want to get married. So that you can prepare them a bit. And then he can propose officially and talk to your parents/father. Tell the guy, before he comes what is custom marriage-wise in your country. So that he will know how to and doing things right, respecting your family traditions.

 

Alright we will work on that. It's a nerve racking thing to do but we want to be together so we'll do it and thanks a lot for the tips, if you have more things to say I'd be interested

 

 

Meeting him with your parents will provide a safety net for you, on many levels. Guess if you meet him and you don't like him or realize you don't feel any sparks with him. The meeting could be at the airport if your parents agree to pick him up there, or directly at your house, in that case he'll take a taxi, or you can send some cousin to pick him up. It could be a bit awkward in the beginning, but then you'll feel more relaxed. And he will too. Especially if your family speaks English too.

 

True, I often think about the first meeting. It's gonna be hard to process at first I'd be nervous to meet him finally in person. I hope it goes well as I pictured it in my mind. I asked him if he's nervous of meeting me he said he's not really nervous and he feels like he knows me already he's just nervous about making everything right and giving a good impression to my family because he knows how much I care about them.

 

 

Country shouldn't matter, especially if you're willing to relocate, because I don't think this guy will drop his job and move to India. So you really need to be honest with yourself and understand if you really love him.

A 12 or 13-year gap in age is not a big deal, especially in India, where I guess this is not so uncommon. Provided the man is well off and not completely broke. My man is 10 years older than me.

English not being your first language shouldn't be a problem either. I'm not sure what you do for a living, but I guess you'd have plenty of opportunities in the USA awaiting you.

Meeting online is not unusual anymore.

 

Yeah we agreed that I will move to USA with him, I want to try it out with a new life, being married and everything but I do worry though because I'm just gonna be with him in a new country, started a new life is it gonna be easy for us? I just constantly think about it, what do you have to say about that? Starting a new life with someone in a new country…

 

And about the age gap, I don't really mind it because we have the same thinking, love the same stuff so I hope my family wouldn't mind it as well. In india is more like a common thing my parents had a 7 years gap but I'm worried if 13 might be too much? I hope not.

 

About the language I can speak English fluently and I'm a civil engineer so getting a job shouldn't be a problem.

 

If you can, feel free to try what I suggested above. Any detail that can ease the process can be added to the picture, so that your chances of success grow. For instance, if you know your father sees more favorably men dressed a certain way, if he doesn't like people with long hair, etc. let your friend be close to your father's ideal man for you.

 

I will take all the advice you've provided. Thanks a lot for the help!

[SincereOnlineGuy]

BY the way, one more thing,

 

 

... when approaching that first-ever, actual meeting...

 

 

Do everything under your power to bring his mind's expectation RIGHT TO the person YOU will actually BE upon first encounter.

 

(and encourage him to reciprocate)

 

(if you're going to be wearing a grey jacket, with a purple handbag, and black shoes, then SPELL THAT OUT <not NOW, but, I mean, in the days leading up to the first meeting> )

 

Encourage him to do same... NOT just with clothing, but, well, even with any flaws... it is amazing how comfortable you can let yourself feel if the person you're meeting already anticipates some of your flaws (*ideally the biggest ones).

 

 

 

All you want, at first encounter, is for things to have the smoothest segue possible to real life.

[LaraBond]

Hi LaraBond,

 

First of all, welcome to the LS forum.

 

Are those your current ages or those from when you met online the first time?

 

So, was that 3 years ago? Why didn't he come and see you in India? I'm sorry, but considering his age and that he lives in the USA, he should be able to afford the trip to India. Something smells wrong.

 

Are you including the two years of only friendship? Or what? I'm confused.

 

What do you mean by that? How are you working on "that part" and what is "that part"?

 

Do you have any idea if your parents already chose someone for you? You're 27, which should be a "good enough" age to get married, especially in India.

 

I think you should have him come to visit you. When the trip is 100% sure, he's bought the flight, reserved the hotel room, etc. then you can tell your parents that your old friend is coming to India and ask them if they would like to meet him, you'd be comfortable meeting him in their presence. I guess they would wisely welcome the idea, that you just meet him in front of them. I know it can be a bit awkward, especially for him, but if he's willing to give it a go, he will overcome any difficulties. Where there's will, there's a way. Also, your parents would be proud of you because you'd be willing to involve them in this meeting and not making a big deal out of it. After all, he's just a friend, right? Then, during his stay, and visiting you every day, like a week in, you drop the bomb, but still gently and in a mature way. You tell them: this man is what I've always wanted in a man, he's kind, caring, listening, etc. and he confessed he loves me deeply; we want to get married. So that you can prepare them a bit. And then he can propose officially and talk to your parents/father. Tell the guy, before he comes what is custom marriage-wise in your country. So that he will know how to and doing things right, respecting your family traditions.

 

Meeting him with your parents will provide a safety net for you, on many levels. Guess if you meet him and you don't like him or realize you don't feel any sparks with him. The meeting could be at the airport if your parents agree to pick him up there, or directly at your house, in that case he'll take a taxi, or you can send some cousin to pick him up. It could be a bit awkward in the beginning, but then you'll feel more relaxed. And he will too. Especially if your family speaks English too.

 

 

Country shouldn't matter, especially if you're willing to relocate, because I don't think this guy will drop his job and move to India. So you really need to be honest with yourself and understand if you really love him.

A 12 or 13-year gap in age is not a big deal, especially in India, where I guess this is not so uncommon. Provided the man is well off and not completely broke. My man is 10 years older than me.

English not being your first language shouldn't be a problem either. I'm not sure what you do for a living, but I guess you'd have plenty of opportunities in the USA awaiting you.

Meeting online is not unusual anymore.

 

If you can, feel free to try what I suggested above. Any detail that can ease the process can be added to the picture, so that your chances of success grow. For instance, if you know your father sees more favorably men dressed a certain way, if he doesn't like people with long hair, etc. let your friend be close to your father's ideal man for you.

 

Good luck.

 

BY the way, one more thing,

 

 

... when approaching that first-ever, actual meeting...

 

 

Do everything under your power to bring his mind's expectation RIGHT TO the person YOU will actually BE upon first encounter.

 

(and encourage him to reciprocate)

 

(if you're going to be wearing a grey jacket, with a purple handbag, and black shoes, then SPELL THAT OUT <not NOW, but, I mean, in the days leading up to the first meeting> )

 

Encourage him to do same... NOT just with clothing, but, well, even with any flaws... it is amazing how comfortable you can let yourself feel if the person you're meeting already anticipates some of your flaws (*ideally the biggest ones).

 

 

 

All you want, at first encounter, is for things to have the smoothest segue possible to real life.

 

 

That is correct mate, thanks for the tip.

[justwhoiam]

Since you're a civil engineer, start googling how to possibly have your degree recognized in the USA, and especially for the State he lives in. See what the steps are, I guess you need to legalize the degree, etc.

 

I'm not sure that's even possible, probably you'll have to pass some exams in an American university. But you start getting info on that, just for your own knowledge.

 

Keep that to yourself for now, or your family will get suspicious. But as that might take a while, the sooner the better (but obviously take real steps only after you meet him).

 

I have been to several States in the US so far, but I do not live there permanently. I am still living in my native country, though I travel to him regularly. Right now, I'm planning my next 2-week trip.

 

I'm used to living in a VERY different country, so there are plenty of WOWs, and OHs, and other funny things to a foreigner's eyes. I'm not sure if it'll be like that for you, but quite likely. He says he likes seeing his country through my eyes.

 

Finding authentic food from my country - even in NYC - is a hard task. Thefore cooking can be too, especially if you are travelling and sleeping in hotels. You might think: why would you want to eat food from your country. Basically, I have this drive to let him taste anything typical from my country and I want to be able to do it when I visit him, and for him it's always an experience.

 

If you would like to know if you can fit in... well, that's highly subjective, and I guess that will also depend on the kind of neighborhood he lives with.

 

What I noted is that the average American is very down to earth. I happened to be alone in a café, when he was working for a few days and couldn't be with me all the time, and people started chatting me up, or guys smiling and trying to get into small talk. That was funny.

 

I have positive thoughts and negative ones about the country.

Positive are all my memories when people have been helpful with me, like when I was in Texas and had to go to some store but it was getting dark and I didn't know the place well. My map was lousy, so I asked a tramway driver and he offered to take me near the place. I said though that I had no ticket and he let me ride for free It was just the two of us! I enjoyed the ride.

And negative are all the things wrong, if you meet someone bad (like at the airport: luckily it only happened ONCE), the fact that you need to tip anyone and everyone on top of what is already very expensive for my pockets, and other things. I also think you learn the real meaning of the word "inflexible". I come from a country where there are a lot of grey areas, if you know what I mean, and you can have your way at times. In the USA, that's hardly possible.

[LaraBond]

Dear justwhoiam, thank you for taking the time and writing a reply to me.

 

You've given me pretty good knowledge to base my aspects on, as to my degree I'll try look up how to get it recognized in the USA. Moving to a new country will be a heck of an experience for me because I've never been there for even a visit, it'll be interesting and excited along side being worried and homesick of course but hey it's something new to try for a new life.

 

Thanks. Hope you're doing well with your partner!

[justwhoiam]

Yes, luckily.

 

Let us know what you find out.