Feeling bad

[Crowbar234]

Well, here it is...

 

 

When I was in college I a girl I worked with and I began to hag out. It was not long before we were always together. I knew her boyfriend then and thought that he was a loser but we were only friends so my opinion was inconsequential. For over a year we were best of friends that did everything together. When I went somewhere without her people wondered where she was. Little did she know, I was completely in love with her but no matter what someone else was always in the way so I never acted on it... mainly because I did not want to lose a close friend. She left college when she found out that she was pregnant with her boyfriend’s child. Eventually she married yet another man and moved out of state. I had married by that time as well. Over the years we kept in touch through email, sent Christmas Cards, and talked on occasion. My wife and I divorced after 6 years ( and 1 beautiful little girl ) when she met someone on line. At this point in time I had returned to college to finish my degree so we had been growing apart for a while. I found out about this the same weekend that I went to the afore mentioned girls wedding. She had moved back after she divorced and was marrying again. It was painful to go to her wedding as I had never gotten over her. Again, we kept in touch on occasion. A few years later I married again and had a child with my new wife and was completely happy (barring the normal rigors of marriage) for three more years. Then I heard from her again. After we talk a few times I find out that she has had another child but is divorcing.

 

So, we begin chatting a lot though IM and on the phone from my work only to find out that we had both been head over heals for each other back then. Neither of us had ever gotten over our feelings for each other and they all came flooding back when we started talking. After talking for a month or so we decided to meet. We both felt that we had been cheated out of each other reputedly and that we wanted to be together "just once". I changed my mind 1000 times before the meeting as I still love my wife, my family, my home... my life. On the night before I was going out of town ( and meeting her) I called the whole thing off. I felt a lot better about htings and went to bed with my wife... where I belonged. Unfortunately things did not go as expected as I woke her when I got into bed and she assumed that I wanted sex before I left on my trip. This instigated an argument that went through the next morning while she got ready for work. I was so mad that I IM'd the woman I was supposed to meet and said that I would meet her still. So I did. It was just like no time had passed with us except this time we slept together. We had a wonderful time.

 

I have gotten away with my crime of passion. My wife has no clue... but I do. The other woman is slightly distraught over things but knew I had no intentions on leaving my life. We have talked a few time since and at first things seemed okay but now everything seems more painful. Even if I were willing to leave my wife I would not leave my kids and neither would she (we live in different states) so regardless of what I do, we will not be able to be together. We have discussed meeting again next time I go out of town but I am not sure that is a good idea. She is first and foremost my friend and I can se the she is hurting. I would not want to add to that... for her sake... and mine.

 

I am feeling guilty as hell about this and have not slept with my wife since this happened. I am not even sure why i am writing all of this down as I am not expecting or even hoping that someone might tell me what I did was okay. I betrayed my wife, I hurt my friend, and I torture myself over this constantly. But when I see that it is her calling... I still answer the phone... and probably always will. I love my wife... but I have been in love with this woman for 13 years... since the first time I laid eyes on her.

 

Any suggestions?

[whichwayisup]

I'm not going to say anything that is going to make you feel worse...You're doing a good job of putting that on yourself.

 

I suggest you seek some councilling, think hard and decide WHO you really are inlove with. I bet it won't be easy but therapy should help you.

 

And I also think you need to tell your wife. Reading what you've put down I don't believe you can keep this from her as the guilt is going to eat you up completely...Then you could just blurt it out at any time. She will be devastated ofcourse, but better coming from you than her finding out on her own...

 

Also you and this woman need to stop seeing eachother! You slept with her out of anger and hurt from a fight with your wife...No thinking took place like the previous almost encounter.

[Moose]

Crowbar,

 

You made a terrible mistake. I'm not saying that you have to tell your wife, but you do have to realize that you're human, and we're prone to making mistakes. You didn't cheat on your wife because your lacking something in your marriage, you cheated because she pissed you off and you use that to justify what you wanted to do anyway all along.

 

The honorable thing to do is to come clean with your wife, and break contact with your friend. You lived this long without her, I think you can handle it. What you can't handle, (obviously), is the guilt. Communicate with your wife, she's gonna be pissed......boy is she going to be pissed. But it'll be off your chest, you'll save your damaged honor, and then you can move on.

[Crowbar234]

Well, I have talked to my friend and both of us agree that it is just too difficult for us to meet again. However, we also agreed that we would like to continue the friendship as it used to be. I think that will work as we are both level headed and clearly understand the reality of the situation. So, no more meeting.

 

Telling the wife... well, divorce is certain should I go that route. I know, I know... should have thought about that going in. Well, I did and just figured that I would be able to deal with it. So, I can tell her and most certainly get divorced or hide it and cross my fingers.

 

 

Thanks for the insight. you gave me a lot to think about.

 

 

 

I need a Crowbar to get me out of this mess.

[whichwayisup]

Only you can decide what to do...Tell her or not.

 

Keeping the friend around now is just going to make you feel some guilt. Can you go back to being 'just friends' after having sex and realizing how much you love her? Be honest with yourself...Even if you aren't seeing her, you have a huge emotional attachment to her! Is that fair to you, your wife and the marriage? Your focus is still going to be in two places at once...See what I'm trying to say?

[only1life]

Stop thinking of yourself for a while, and consider the others.

 

Do you think you're giving your wife a fair marriage relationship, when you are repeatedly thinking about the other woman? Is that fair, when you should be devoting (and enjoying) everything you have just between you and your family?

 

Originally posted by Crowbar234

Well, I have talked to my friend and both of us agree that it is just too difficult for us to meet again.

 

Huh? Is this a valid reason to not cheat a second time? So when things become "less difficult" then you'll do it again?

 

It's pretty clear that you are putting way too much energy into this other woman! And the cost is to your wife, your kids, and eventually, it is going to burn you as well.

 

A great relationship is difficult to manage with one partner - continuing like this will ruin both of yours. Make up your mind - neither of these women deserve only half of your affection. Choose one, come clean, and sever all communication with the other, before you do even more damage than you have already done.

[Crowbar234]

I guess that did not sound the way it was meant. I was trying to say that us ever meeting again would be too difficult emotionally for either of us as we both know that it will and can not work for us.

 

I agree that I have put a lot of emotional resources into this and that it what it has done to my daily mental state has not been beneficial to anyone involved. Soooo many people to think about... all of which I love and care for.

 

I need to find a way to stow all of this and move on with my life with my family. I thank you for your blatant honesty. I am not a person that puts them self first very often. Usually I am putting everyone else's needs in front of my own. This one time I put myself first because I needed to know what it would be like with her. Unfortunately, I now know and have no recourse. Thus, it is over. I will do what I need to do to end it and sink myself into my family. I still can not tell my wife though. I want to... I really do... but there is no chance anything other than divorce will come from it.

 

 

Thanks

 

 

Crowbar234

[whichwayisup]

I suggest if you aren't going to tell your wife then you maybe should consider seeing a therapist to help you cope with the emotions of your affair. Eventually that guilt is going to eat you up.

 

I don't want to scare you but are you 100% sure that your woman friend will not tell your wife what happened?

[Crowbar234]

Yes, I am 99.9% sure that she won't say anything. I have been talking of friend of mine that is a counselor for this kind of thing and I am coming to grips with it. I am a fool for getting myself into this situation and I need to ensure that I get myself out. This is not something that is in my character to do but for some reason, against all common sense that I possess, I did it.

 

 

Thanks,

Crowbar

[jmargel]

You cannot be TRULY in love with two people at the same time. Devoted and true love is putting ALL of everything you got into one person. You are either infactuated by this other woman or you don't love either of them.

 

My suggestion would to seek a marriage counselor first. Get a few sessions in and then follow what they suggest. They will probably suggest you telling your wife about the affair. She knows or feels something is wrong, she isn't stupid. She is just confused. You have also hurt this other woman by leading her on. You used her as a safety net. You let things go way too far.

 

Just don't tell us you feel bad about it and not do anything to help recify the situation. Your wife needs to know so she can make decisions for herself. This isn't only your life you are tampering with but also your wife's and this other's woman.

[Crowbar234]

Yes, I did let things go way too far. I had a long talk with my friend again and explained things as clearly as I could. I did not think that I was leading her on as I was blatantly honest with her from the start but apparently wishful thinking became prevailent for her and I was leading her on without realizing it. I was not being fair to her and she is moving on. We are cutting ties... at least for now... and I am going to devote myself to my family. We both kind of knew that this would be the end result so accepting it , albeit difficult, is bearable. Maybe one day down the road we will be able to resume our friendship... I hope that it was not a casualty of this sordid affair.

 

I still can't tell my wife. If I do that then I may as well plan on moving out and being with my friend as divorce will be imminent. That is not what I want and I now realize that. I do love my friend but I am not willing to sacrifice my life... especially now that my wife just told me that she is pregnant.

 

What a mess...

 

Thanks,

 

Crowbar

[only1life]

Originally posted by Crowbar234

.... We are cutting ties... at least for now...

Nope. Won't work. Can't work. If you go into this with a "maybe it'll work out some day" attitude, then you are not putting all of yourself to your wife, and are not being honest with yourself. It's an all-or-nothing thing, this marriage stuff. And your wife (and future family) deserves your all.

 

If not, eventually, it will catch up with you. Do yourself the favor, face reality now.

then I may as well plan on moving out and being with my friend

Hmmm, I wouldn't plan on that lasting too long either. A relationship built on the failure of another, is usually not too long term.

because I needed to know what it would be like with her

Wish I has a quarter for all the times I thought I needed something that bad. But I have been honest, and for that, I am happy, very few quarters in my pocket, but happy!

 

Since you're the type that would come to this board for advice, it's likely that you're the type that has decent feelings about all this stuff. Wish there was some way for this to work out easier for you, but it's too late for that. Good luck to you in whatever direction you go.

[SweetSerenity]

Crowbar,

 

I do not think you need to tell your wife. You and she can't possibly gain anything from you telling her. I do think you have already done enough damage to yourself by feeling overwhelmingly guilty about what has happened. You've learned your lesson I'm sure and will not repeat that mistake again. What matters now is getting your life back on track and being there fully for your wife since she is pregnant and she is going to need you now more than ever. Pregnancy is pretty hard all by itself let alone adding anything else to it. Now if you repeatedly cheat then thats on you. However I'm going to take the high road here and say do not tell her, get everything straightened out in your head and cut ties with this other person for awhile as to cool things off, way off. Goodluck to you

[Crowbar234]

Thanks to all of you for helpinmg me through this. I did not tell my wife and still do not plan to... although, somtimes some fo the comments she makes gets me wondering if she knows mroe than I suspect. I plowed through the emotions, and re-discovered my family and all is going well. I think that my wife and I are geting along better now than we have in years. I look forward to seeing her every night.

 

My "friend" and I have chatted some but I have kept things calm and not allowed the conversation to go past friendship. She has made mention of meeiting again but I clearly showed no interest. So, I just wanted to say thanks for your time, your insight, and honesty.

 

Crowbar

[jmargel]

Most people here would say that this would be your choice, but really it isn't. By doing what you did you have taken away the opportunity for your WIFE to make a choice. Your wife is with you under false pretensions. Truth untold is the same as a lie. If she were to ask you if you cheated, what would you say?

 

Honesty and respect are the two most critical parts to a marriage's foundation. You are just scared of the consequences you may have to face. You may have 'learned your lesson' but you are denying your wife of alot by not telling her.

[westernxer]

What happens the next time you and your wife get into an argument?

 

You need some serious help...

[Crowbar234]

I agree that her not knowing removes some options for her but I am also adding an option that isn't there if I did tell her... that is the option of "Life as she knows it" and I KNOW that she likes that life. I am not about to drag this entire thing out into the open now... everything is going great... I have been working very hard on my family life and am enjoying it more than I have in a long time. We do stuff together now... whether it be working in the yard together (as much as she can anyway as she is pregnant) we shop together, we get down on the floor and play with the kids together... things are better now than they have been in a long time.

 

Telling her would be the right thing to do, I clearly understand that. But at this stage in the game, I can not see who that would benefit from it. Certainly not my kids as they would be from a divorced family. Certainly not me for obvious reasons... and certainly not my wife... I would destroy her life. I can already see the flames coming "Should have thought of that BEFORE you did what you did" and that would be fair. I did not think things through clearly once and I have to live with that for the rest of my life but she doesn't so I stand by my decision not to tell her.

 

Sure, I may need some help but most of us do. One mistake doesn't warrant "You need some serious help..." IMHO. I have been through SUBSTANTIALLY things than this during the first Persian Gulf War and have managed to maintain so I am going to hold of on the professional help for the time being. We have had a few arguments since then... that is irrelevant.

[jmargel]

and certainly not my wife... I would destroy her life.

 

You have.. She just doesn't know it.

 

She is living a life with you under false assumptions. Don't try to justify it by saying your kids or your wife will suffer. You are taking the easy way out. You are NOT protecting them by being secretative about it. Are you really going to let her stay married to you for the next 40-50 years not knowing this? What about her on her deathbed her last thoughts of you and how honest and truthful you have been to her during your lives together? Personally I couldn't live with the guilt and it will eat you up eventually. Knowing you have done something that has changed alot of lives yet you won't face that demon with her is only going to drive you two apart in the long run.

 

Face it now, with her. Yes she's going to be pissed however that little gut instinct that's inside of her that's telling her something has happened can finally be accepted and dealt with. Everyone has that intuition. Right now she is struggling with that, one part of her is probably thinking that while the other part of her is thinking 'is she crazy and insecure'?

 

You never answered my question on what would you say to her if she asked if you cheated? Are you going to cover one lie with another? That's how the 'ball of lies' get formed and start rolling. They just get bigger and bigger.

[whichwayisup]

Crow, the problem now is with this OW, even though it's just friendship and you both don't cross that line, the FEELINGS are still there. So, those feelings are still being fed, even though neither of you are talking about it, it's just 'there.' Do you see what I'm saying?

 

What if you didn't hear from her in 3 weeks or a month? She just never replied back to an email? Wouldn't you be worried? Try to track her down? It would eat you up inside and then your wife will wonder why you're acting strange.

 

She may know more than you think too and is too scared to say anything to you about it. Never say never.

 

Either way, I hope things stay good between you both, but this secret will always be in the way. IF she doesn't know and finds out by accident, stumbles across an email or even runs into the OW, your life will change drastically...

[noname]

i don't cheat. neither do i condone it. i have always been against it. however, in this instance i do not think that you should tell your wife. it may be the second silliest choice that you have made thusfar. do not let what other people think (including myself) determine what is the proper course of action. you can be pretty sure what the outcome of this will be.

 

you did something that is really f-ed up buddy. you realize this as much as anybody else. but telling your wife and giving her a choice that she may not even want in the first place may be counter-productive. there are many people who would rather never be told. i am not saying that you have any authority to decide for your wife. but there is a lot more at stake here than giving your wife "choices" and stuff like that. you have the lives of your children in the mix as well. many times "coming clean " benefits only to absolve the guilt of the offending party. maybe having to live with the guilt may be sufficient punishment.

 

you do need to figure out whether or not this is going to be pattern behavior for you. cause if it is, it changes the whole ballgame. you may need counseling and you need to remove yourself from your situation.

 

and some of posts i read are right. you do need to find a way to take your heart out of this other woman. i am a one woman man. alway will be. however, i have spent a lot of time in reality and i realize that it is total bull sh-t to say that you cannot love more than one person at a time. i have seen it done a million times. that is the scary thing here. because it is possible, you are going to have to reign in your heart and your good sense in order that this doesn't happen again. it could be very easy for you and imagine feeling that same anquish you feel right now to the tenth power.

 

like i said, nobody is at total liberty to tell you more than their own opinion here. the choice is yours, so take what i write with a grain of salt. i truly don't know what to tell you but to focus my brother... focus...

[jmargel]

and i realize that it is total bull sh-t to say that you cannot love more than one person at a time. i have seen it done a million times.

 

You can't truly love two people at once. You might love one person and desire/infacuate/lust after another but that is NOT love.

 

Love consists of devotion, hence you can only be devoted to one person. With this said you can only truly love one person.

[New_Wife]

Ick. Not you personally, but the situation.

 

Okay, Devil's Advocate: You don't tell your wife. You keep IM'ing or emailing this girl. You continue to tell your wife in non-verbal ways that something is up (lack of sex, guilty conscious, odd behavior). A few months into the pregnancy, she her suspicions drive her nuts and hacks your email or puts a keylogger on your computer. Maybe she checks your cell bills. Maybe a hotel receipt comes in.

 

Now you go down once for cheating, and once for lying. Maybe even a third time for continuing to contact this woman.

 

What would you want your wife to do if it was her in this situation? What if the baby might not be yours? Granted, you can't get pregnant, but you can get diseases or get someone else pregnant.

 

And the continuing "friendship" thing? Dude, you tossed friendship in the can when the drawers came off. There's no un-ringing that bell. Your frienship is over. If you keep in contact with this woman, you are continuing the affair - even if just on an emotional level.

 

Can your wife call up old loves and lovers and IM them and tempt fate as often as she likes? Would that feel good to you?

 

I think marraige counseling, and fast. If she divorces you - she divorces you. But if you continue to make her live a lie, you may destroy her.

[noname]

Originally posted by jmargel

You can't truly love two people at once. You might love one person and desire/infacuate/lust after another but that is NOT love.

 

Love consists of devotion, hence you can only be devoted to one person. With this said you can only truly love one person.

 

sorry. can't agree. i don't do it myself, but the human mind is a very powerful thing and it can do many things at once. a perfect relationship includes devotion yes. i believe in this and i wish every body could do it. but there are many varialbles when it comes to relationships. and the reality is that not everybody finds the perfect formula.

 

a perfect relationship includes total devotion. love does not. you can be devoted to someone and not be in love. you can love somebody and not be devoted to them. you can be in love with somebody and not even be in a relationship.

 

i hear where you are coming from. i would love it to be that way with everyone. no one SHOULD love more than one person. but i think that saying that a no person has the ability to love more than one person is pretty outrageous. they may not be able to do it successfully and without problems but it has and can be done.

 

a for instance. you spend a 5 year relationship with someone, something happens that causes you to both agree (much to both of your dismay because you are both in love) that the relationship must be terminated. do you just find a way to fall out of love before you move on? can you not then start a relationship or love somebody else until you have purged yourself of the love you previous felt?

[whichwayisup]

Maybe you can love to people at the same time, but one is going to suffer. The focus and energy put in won't be equal.

 

That energy put into the friendship with OW should be put into your marriage and your wife. If it takes time away from your wife, then that isn't good.

 

Another thing, if this OW relies on you for emotional support, if she goes through something and needs you, who are you going to choose at that time? DO you have the courage to tell OW, sorry I can't because it's not fair to my wife?? If OW fell ill and needed you asap, would you go to her? Or ask her to be with a friend or a family member. Just giving you stuff to think about...

[jmargel]

you can be devoted to someone and not be in love.

 

That should never be the case. If you are not in love with your spouse, partner then leave! You are not doing anyone, including children a favor by staying. All that teaches your children to do is to settle for less then best. The relationship is not usually a happy one and the kids or others suffer as a result.

 

So then you are saying that it should be legal to marry more than one person? Of course you can love others, such as family, etc.. but I am talking about the love that tied into a vow of marriage.

 

a perfect relationship includes total devotion. love does not.

 

It might not all the time, but it's an essential that should! If you can't devote yourself to your spouse, then leave. This is a case of pure selfishness. He is trying to rationalize and justify his behavior.

 

You continue to IM and email this woman still? You haven't learned anything, all you are doing is tempting fate and it will strike back at you. Karma can be a bitch at times and you will get caught when you least expect it. Affairs are one thing, however when you mix in the lying and the deceit of continuing to IM & email this woman you have gone beyond the point of no return. How much more do you expect your wife to take?

 

Act like a man already and FACE up to what you did.

 

do you just find a way to fall out of love before you move on?

 

When the person ending the relationship good chance they have already fallen out of love. While the other may still be in love with the other person, that will diminish when they realize there is no return. The best both can do then is to learn from their experience. You dont find a way to fall out of love, it just happens.

 

can you not then start a relationship or love somebody else until you have purged yourself of the love you previous felt?

 

Those are called rebound relationships and usually never work. IMO only until you are out of love with the previous person can you successfully have a relationship with another. That's the only way you can fully and truly give your heart to them.