10 months separated and one main question

[Sportsguy4]

Wow, so much to say but I'll try to keep as much as I can at a minimal for your help.

 

I'm 28 and my wife is 26. We met over 4 years ago, and have been married for over 2 years. However, in the 27 months we've been married, we've now been separated for 10 months.

 

A lot of things led to our separation, I made a lot of young bad decisions, and she made a lot of bad decisions as well. If I were honest I'd say I'd made the ones that were worse, but a lot of that came from how I felt in the marriage.

 

Since April of 2014 we've been separated and she decided to go home back in June once the school year ended (She's a teacher). In that time I have consistently pursued reconciliation with my wife. I've spent the last 9 months in marriage counseling (alone), reading books, keeping open lines of communication with her, sending gifts when I can, and just constantly pursuing my wife to show her she is what I want.

 

Last August she agreed to meet my counselor and try to put a plan in place. We agreed to 6 months of meeting every other weekend in a town that was about halfway for both of us. When she moved home to her parents, it put about 3.5 hours of distance between us.

 

After only meeting for 1.5 months of the 6 she pulled the plug on it.

 

Over the course of the next 5 months I would not see her one time. However, we would talk on a here and there basis.

 

Last October she called me and told me she had gotten divorce papers. She sent them to me, and I pretty much held onto them for about two months. This entire time my goal has been to reconcile with my wife, and I try not to let any of that discourage me, no matter how much her actions can hurt.

 

After two months she called one day, threatening to send her dad down to get the papers if I didn't send them back. So I finally caved and signed them.

 

A few weeks later I called my wife practically begging for her to reconsider the option of reconciliation. She said if I was willing to drive up to her current city and sit and meet with her and her pastor she'd reconsider.

 

Now, one thing to mention is during this time I have received a promotion at my job and this is pretty much the biggest issue and my main question.

 

My wife asked for the separation, not me. My wife decided to pack her bags and go home, not me. Now she says the only way to fix this is if I give up my job and everything we had here where we were married, and go live up there.

 

My struggle with this is severe. I feel like for true reconciliation she should come back, since she was the one who left the marriage and not me. As a teacher she can find a job in our location a whole lot easier than I can find one making what I make where she is.

 

Now to make matters worse when I sat down with her pastor, he actually told me and her that if I wasn't willing to give up everything and move up there that I DON'T LOVE HER!!!!! I honestly could of punched him, how can someone who's never met somebody make that kind of accusation?? Even worse now my wife believes it.

 

After the meeting she spent the rest of the weekend telling me she wanted to work everything out. Then 4 days later called me and said she did some thinking and doesn't believe I love her because I won't move, and I can "save it for the judge"

 

So where I stand today is she's probably moving forward with the divorce because she doesn't feel like I love her because I won't move to where she is after she left the relationship and not me.

 

I don't understand how she thinks I don't love her when I'm the one who's been in counseling, I'm the one who didn't seek divorce papers, I'm the one pursuing her, meanwhile she sits there and has hardly done anything.

 

My own counselor believes she's pretty much emotionally abusing me at this point, and thinks I should consider the divorce.

 

So my question is being the person who was left. Should i be willing to go to where she is for our marriage, or is it ok for me to ask her to come back to where we were?

 

It's been a long 10 months for me, and this has been entirely draining. I feel hopeless. I don't understand as the person who has been trying everything how she can honestly tell me she doesn't believe I love her.

 

I apologize if this post is too long. I've really tried to narrow it down for everyone.

[LoveMyCat]

I wonder if her pastor really said that. Or if that is how she decided to interpret whatever it was he did say. In any case, it is not reasonable for you to leave your home and job to move there, unless it is something you want, and you will in fact be fully reconciled. She should not even be talking about you moving after breaking your visiting agreement and not making it sound all that promising for your marriage unless you intend to do every single thing she wants. That is not a marriage, it is a job in itself. Yes, marriage takes work and compromise, but on both sides, not just one.

 

Maybe she is testing you, who knows. But I would not do anything so life-changing without some serious joint counseling first. You need to have a bit of a backbone, and if you lose her for it, you should consider yourself lucky. Your while life will be dictated by her demands if you simply give in. And there is no guarantee she would stay with you even after you did make such a move.

[justaplottwist]

Wow. That's a lot to take in.

 

As cliche as it sounds, it does it takes two people to make a marriage/union/relationship work. Both give/Both take.....ebbs and flows....sacrifices....blah blah blah.

 

Now, without knowing the specifics on what you felt were your issues in the breakdown of marriage, I would say that giving an ultimatum on whether you crash and burn your life to go and be with her is a bit alarming. Especially with the pastor pushing that.

 

It's like that episode of Friends where Rachel sees if Ross will "drink the fat"....which will prove that he really loves her.

 

UNLESS, you cheated on her and live near an affair partner. Then I can completely understand her wanting that...and quite frankly...that's not unrealistic for her to ask for.

 

But since you didn't mention what happened in your marriage,you'll have to give at least some vague details on what happened that perhaps might have made her feel like she needed to separate and move....and now is pursuing a possible a divorce.

 

I didn't catch if it was a mutually decided separation.

Edited March 1, 2015 by justaplottwist

[TravisHubbard]

Sounds like you both are being stubborn, you want things on your terms and she wants them on hers. You have a job in your town, would you be able to pick up work if you moved up her way? If you did move up there, does her family have money to support you both while you look for work? If she agrees to your terms and moves back in with you, do you think she will suddenly be settled?

 

A lot to take in, and I know my questions may annoy you. But honestly, sometimes it's best to just agree to disagree and move on.

[Movingforward2]

I think if she is what you really want.....then you give up everything. I'd be willing to walk away from whatever job, etc. to get my wife and kids back. Just my opinion.

[MJJean]

Only a fool would give up a good job and stability for a "maybe".

 

Tell your wife that your decision to stay where you are and ask her to come there in order to reconcile was made logically, not emotionally. Explain to her that moving and giving up a good job is irresponsible in the extreme unless there is a pressing need. And there is no need as she could come home and then you could reevaluate moving once the marriage is stable.

[LoveMyCat]

I think if she is what you really want.....then you give up everything. I'd be willing to walk away from whatever job, etc. to get my wife and kids back. Just my opinion.

 

But is she even promising that?

[Mr. Lucky]

But is she even promising that?

 

No she isn't. But she also isn't the one posting here and declaring she'd move Heaven and Earth to put her marriage back together.

 

Sportsguy4, you can't have it both ways. If she's everything to you, you'll have to put your residence where your mouth is...

 

Mr. Lucky

 

BTW - I'm not recommending doing so...

[KBarletta]

Honestly, I can see both sides of this situation.

 

I understand her feeling that if you won't come there there to be with her, you must not be serious about doing whatever it takes to reconcile.

 

However, she, as the dumper, has also bears a large amount of responsibility to do the work to repair what is broken. To expect you to chase her after she is the one who left (with no guarantee that anything will come of it) is unfair to you.

 

Overall, I think you need a good amount of joint counseling before either of you considers moving anywhere. If she won't go for that and continues to insist on you moving to be with her you can either do that (a huge risk) or go forward with the divorce (that you don't want).

 

I feel for you, as I know this is a difficult decision.

 

I am curious - because your post talks at length about what happened SINCE your separation but doesn't really get into the actual problems in your marriage, what were the major issues? What are these "mistakes" that you refer to in your post?

[seekingpeaceinlove]

If you're ready to live the life of jumping through hoops and living a life with your wife on her terms, then go for it.

 

This is a marriage. She's the one who decided to jump ship and leave you. I don't know why your marriage broke down but your wife checked out and decided it was better to live a life without you.

 

YET, you're the one expected to drop everything and come continue to chase her and make the marriage right. Correct me if I'm wrong but there are 2 people in relationship. It takes 2. What has she done/shown, besides demanding that you drop everything, to prove that she wants and is willing to put in the effort to make you two work?

 

Right.

 

The BIG problem I see here is that...she isn't even meeting you halfway. There is no effort on her side. Her giving you another chance is not effort. Her going to MC together with you... IS.

 

YOU can't fix this marriage. You both have to be equally willing and ready.

 

If both parties aren't putting in the effort...it will never work.

 

One last thing: She doesn't believe you love her because you don't want to drop everything to move to her. So, by using her logic, she doesn't love you either...see how that works?

 

I say, move on.

Edited March 2, 2015 by seekingpeaceinlove

[Mr. Lucky]

I say, move on.

Logic would dictate that response. Not sure the brain is calling the shots here...

 

Mr. Lucky

[No Limit]

She leaves and demands you chase her? Say, while you dated her, did she ever try any "mind games" on you or other stupid psycho games?

[seekingpeaceinlove]

We need more details, OP. What were your worst offenses during the marriage? If you cheated, treated her poorly, neglected her, etc, then her actions make sense.

 

What happened between you two?

[Sportsguy4]

I really appreciate all the responses.

 

Honestly our marriage has been jacked up from the get go. We were only 2 months in before she wanted to start counseling because she didn't feel like I cared enough then. Yet she was working every night as a teacher till after 8 and was always the last to leave.

 

We've never really been on the same page and honestly it really sucks. The main issue was this. My wife as a teacher took every opportunity she had to go home and be with her family over staying home. I spent all of her spring breaks, fall breaks, Thanksgiving and Christmas without my wife.

 

She had also previously threatened to end the marriage twice with divorce after only being in the marriage for 8 months.

 

After dealing with the fact my wife didn't seem to want our marriage, and the fact that she constantly chose to go home and be with her parents and siblings while I worked, I felt completely alone.

 

I did turn to someone else and had a very brief 4 week emotional affair. I needed someone there and i turned to the wrong place. Once the other person tried to make it physical with a kiss, I realized the path I was on.

 

I ended the friendship, and have been trying to get my wife to trust me since.

 

Although I made the biggest mistake, it was only after feeling like my wife didn't want me anymore with her actions.

 

She waited 6 months after the friendship had ended before she even moved home. As mentioned in my previous post since she's left I've been in counseling, I've read books, I've tried to meet up with her, etc....

 

I don't know what else to do. I don't know how she can honestly look at me knowing how alone she made me feel in the marriage, seeing how hard I've worked the last 14 months for forgiveness, and tell me I don't love her....

 

I'm just so broken by all of this.

[justaplottwist]

Okay...now we have something to work with.

 

Hmmmmm. I'm shooting from the hip here...but it sounds to me that perhaps she was a bit disillusioned by marriage. And instead of turning to you...turned to her family.

 

A few months in and she's working late and deciding to hang out with family on breaks is a big red flag. I'm a teacher...so I know late nights can happen...but in the first year of marriage...I still wanted to get home to my then husband.

 

What's her family like? Do they still quasi-control her decisions? Sometimes, the "familly of origin" or FOO can really bring out some problems that aren't apparent when dating. I know...I lived that one. I had no idea what my stbx's family was REALLY like until after I married him.

 

My stbx has been controlled by his family since we've been married. And it's subtle. But I NEVER felt I would EVER be first in line.....EVER.

 

While the affair indeed do some damage....and I'm sure you realize was probably not the best avenue to take....it sounds like you have tried to do all the things one should do when one decides to do that.

 

I'm thinking the family has a pretty tight pull on her and until she can independently separate from them....it's never going to be a marriage that you can feel peaceful in.

 

Going to visit family and friends occasionally is healthy and good.....constantly leaving at every opportunity is not. There's something really "off" there.

 

I think...and this is my two cents...she is looking for some "Holy Grail" of overtures from you that will cut those family apron strings for her psychologically. She is the only one who can do that.

 

My stbx still hasn't cut his apron strings....and it's horrible being the spouse of someone who hasn't. You never feel like a priority....or family. I really never felt like we (our son and I) were his REAL family. Even the people at work he called his "work family". That's horrible to feel like that in a marriage.

 

I would not quit my job. Keep lines of communication open. Be civil. But you need to look out for yourself....not selfishly...just smartly.

 

My two cents.

Edited March 3, 2015 by justaplottwist

[Sportsguy4]

I met up with my wife a month ago today. It was the first time I saw her in 5 months. We spent the weekend together and she was saying she wanted to work on the marriage.

 

The following 3 days she called me and told me that she loved me. Then out of nowhere the following weekend she called me and said that I did not love her, because I was still asking her to come back home. That if I truly loved her I wouldn't ask her to do that but that I'd be willing to move up there where her family is.

 

She said she was going to start the divorce process. As I mentioned earlier that I recently got a new job and she started accusing me that I cared more about the money then her.

 

So I decided if she felt that way that I wanted her to know that was wrong. I wrote her a letter and included half of the amount that I'll make each paycheck in extra money. Told her she was my wife and I loved her. I wanted to help pay her things so she wouldn't be as financially strained.

 

She sent the letter and the money back stating that I knew her intentions and that she may not be what I want?!

 

I have tried for almost 11 months now to show her I want our marriage and because I think she needs to come home since she left home, she says I'm not even willing!!!

 

I don't know what to do..... Part of me wants to drive up there and try to talk to her, but another part of me is so scared to do it. I'll ever wanted is reconciliation with my wife.

[Mr. Lucky]

I'll ever wanted is reconciliation with my wife.

 

Your choices may be hard but the decision itself doesn't seem that complicated.

 

Most married couples live in overlapping worlds - you seem to be the exception.

 

So either -

 

- pick her world, move where she is and be (temporarily) happy

 

or -

 

- stand your ground and stay where you are because that what you think you should do.

 

There's no one here who can make the decision for you. Keep us posted ...

 

Mr. Lucky

[Sportsguy4]

It's been 3 months since the weekend I met with her and her psycho pastor. It has also been 3 months since we've talked on the phone. All lines of communication have been dropped by her, and I stopped trying 2.5 months ago myself.

 

My court hearing is this Tuesday and I;m probably not even going to go at this point. What's the point in going and fighting for something that the other person doesn't want to even put the slightest of efforts into? However, I haven't decided if I should make the 3.5 trip or not to subject myself to the emotional pain that the day will bring.

 

The last 13 months have by far been the hardest of my life. I feel like I've grown as a man tremendously through the entire situation. I do still have some struggles though. Although a lot of people in my ear have told me that moving up there would have been the worst decision I'd ever make I still second guess not doing so. I still love her but I know deep down past all the emotions, I couldn't make that move under the circumstances she was putting me under. It would have only been a small fix and then her next 'issue' would appear.

 

Although I'm not stopping my life for her, part of me still has some small hope that maybe after the divorce is final she'll have some sort of revelation that life without each other isn't better, and she'd reach out to me to try and reconcile.

 

The hardest part has been the inability to escape the situation still. Although we no longer talk and I've removed myself from social media for the time being, I still play everything out in my head a lot, and I do a lot of thinking when alone. What makes it tough is this has also happened in my sleep. In the last three weeks I've probably dreamed about me and my wife 15 times and the fact that I can't get away from the situation even while sleeping is hard.

 

I still miss her tremendously but I feel like she forced this on us, as she knew it wasn't what I wanted. I'll never understand her ultimatum of I love you if you come here to be with me because I want this, but if you won't then I don't want you or our marriage, just seems so messed up.

[SoleMate]

It seems this marriage never really got off the ground. It never got a foundation under it, so when life pushed on one corner of the wall, the whole thing fell into a pile. You can't REbuild something that was never built in the first place. It seems she did not want to be with you, hence the needlessly long hours, which in a newlywed is inexplicable (assuming she really wanted to be with you).

 

It does seem as if there is very little hope. You'd have to start from scratch to build a r/s with her, and living in 2 different paces, and with her family and her pastor overshadowing the decision-making, that just doesn't seem likely. Very sorry. (The 4 week EA should have been forgivable if that was the only issue...but then again, foundation.) Justaplottwist had some very good insights, too. I'm sorry.

[Mr. Lucky]

Some people like the idea of marriage but, once they experience the actual day-to-day, are unable to reconcile the difference between real life and romantic fantasy. Not sure your spouse was ever into the daily process of building a relationship.

 

No where to go but forward at this point. I'd focus on career, family and friends, plenty of time for everything else down the road. Best of luck...

 

Mr. Lucky

[Sportsguy4]

Should I even bother with making the 3.5 hour trip to the court hearing tomorrow? She filed a simplified divorce, so she can't get alimony or anything. It's just a clean break for her. Part of me still wants to show up and have a small fight left in me, but the realistic part of me knows it won't change anything and will make it even more emotionally tough on me.

[KBarletta]

Should I even bother with making the 3.5 hour trip to the court hearing tomorrow? She filed a simplified divorce, so she can't get alimony or anything. It's just a clean break for her. Part of me still wants to show up and have a small fight left in me, but the realistic part of me knows it won't change anything and will make it even more emotionally tough on me.

 

What would attending accomplish for you? Would your presence there make a difference, or just cause you pain? I mean that as an honest question - would you expect it to change anything if you were there? If the answer to that is no, then I would most certainly not make the trip.

 

I think Mr. Lucky is right - there is a difference between the fantasy people have in their heads when they get married and the reality that life presents day to day. It's never what you expect it to be, and it sounds as if your wife wasn't all in on the day to day work that a marriage requires. It's a sad and far too common story.

[LoveMyCat]

Don't count on her possible future regrets. If she does have any, it is doubtful she will let you know anyway. And her life has to be something you stop thinking about, once the divorce is done. Sounds impossible, but she clearly wanted out of the marriage unless she could have every aspect of it her own way. Life does not work that way. Maybe she will find someone who can provide that, though it is a pretty impossible task.

 

I would not go to the hearing if your presence is not required. That is what lawyers are for.

[Sportsguy4]

What would attending accomplish for you? Would your presence there make a difference, or just cause you pain? I mean that as an honest question - would you expect it to change anything if you were there? If the answer to that is no, then I would most certainly not make the trip.

 

I think Mr. Lucky is right - there is a difference between the fantasy people have in their heads when they get married and the reality that life presents day to day. It's never what you expect it to be, and it sounds as if your wife wasn't all in on the day to day work that a marriage requires. It's a sad and far too common story.

 

I do not believe that me attending will accomplish anything. I sent a letter to the court once I was served asking that they would delay the divorce and order counseling together in her city. I was willing to drive up there to make that happen on a weekly basis. However, I know the truth is this. The judge will ask her if she'd be willing to do the counseling and she'll say no and the divorce will go through. I since found out that she has already changed her last name on Facebook back to her maiden name.

 

I don't know what she thought marriage would be. Maybe she came into it with high expectations that I couldn't meet, while I came into too relaxed. I should of tried harder for sure, but she knew every night when we went to bed and every morning when she woke up that I loved her. I still struggle with the memories and the regrets of not attempting to make the move up there. The last memory I have of us together was 3.5 months ago. I remember giving her a kiss goodbye and her looking at me and telling me she wanted our marriage. I'd rather have that as my last image of her, then of me holding back tears as she gets the divorce

[Sportsguy4]

I did not go to the hearing this morning. I found out through my step-mom that the divorce is final. My ex-wife (doesn't feel right saying that) text her this morning and told her that she had been real anxious about me showing up and fighting for the marriage still. Then she proceeded to say that me not showing up was the best thing I've ever done for her :(

 

I can't believe our relationship/marriage is now officially dead. This was never the result I wanted, and will always seem messed up on how/why she ended it. It just doesn't make sense.

 

A lot of people have said I should have peace knowing I did everything I could, but truthfully I don't. It just reminds me of what I was willing to do and that it was never good enough for her.

 

This sucks.