10 months separated and one main question

[Mr. Lucky]

Hope you don't throw away the next 6-12 months searching for some mythical "closure". Some things are knowable, some aren't and we just have to accept the difference. Stay busy, stay strong and keep moving forward...

 

Mr. Lucky

[unrequitedluv]

Sorry my reply was for the first post.

 

I am sorry that it had ended.

If the paper is sign then there is no turning back isn't it?

 

If that so.

 

Look forward.

Edited June 3, 2015 by unrequitedluv

[Sportsguy4]

I know over time this will get better and the healing will take place and I will move forward. It's only been 48 hours and although this has been coming for a long time the wound is incredibly fresh.

 

I've replayed so many conversations in my mind and I can't figure out how the divorce really happened. Monday will have been 1 year since she moved home, and over that time she gave signs that she didn't want us to end up this way. I remember a phone call in January I received from her where she was crying telling me she didn't want a divorce and she wanted our marriage. A few weeks later she called to check up on me one evening because she knew I was going to make a long drive and she wanted to make sure I had gotten there OK. Then the weekend in February where I went up there and she slept with me every day and telling me she loved me and wanted to fix it.

 

What caused the sudden change of attitude? All I ever wanted was my wife to come home. I was willing to do more than what a lot of people thought I should to make it happen too. It was all I asked, she left and I needed her to come back. I couldn't chase her down and give up everything to move up there to be closer to her family with no security of not knowing if she'd try kicking me out again. We really just got divorced over location.

 

This whole thing has seemed childish and petty and I always hoped she'd come to her senses and see that. See how much she was loved and wanted here, that I was doing everything to provide the environment she always wanted here. I just don't understand how someone can look you in the eye and tell you they want to fix their marriage and a week later call you and tell you that you must not truly love them if you wouldn't drop everything for them after they left, and proceed to get that divorce she had only said weeks earlier she didn't want. Divorce has been around in her family and I wonder if that played a part. Her grandma is on her 4th husband, and a couple of her aunts are on their 2nd and 3rd marriages as well. She has a cousin who is 26 who is already on her 2nd marriage too. It just seems like when things get tough in that family you just quit and move on to the next one.

 

Now I am thankful that they're no kids involved in this. That is probably the biggest positive of this situation. For those of you who unfortunately have lost a marriage that they wanted to keep how long does it take to really recover?

 

I feel crazy feeling so down about someone who could treat me so badly. My family, friends, that know about the entire situation all think she has made a huge mistake and I'm better off without her, so why can't I feel that way? I'm only 28 I have a good job, i have an apartment, a new car, and even girls who are interested in me. I have so many things that are positive in my life yet I feel like I have nothing. Is it because love is truly blind?

[MJJean]

You don't know why the marriage ended because the problem was whatever was going on in your wife's head and not you. From the sounds of it, you did everything you could. You will likely never be able to figure out what she was thinking, so stop trying. It will drive you insane. If/when you start trying to figure it out, STOP and think of something else. Eventually, you'll start to think about it less and less.

 

How long it takes to get over is individual, but you won't make progress obsessing over it. You need to keep busy, be social, concentrate on the positive, and cultivate current interests or get into something new. Trust me, in the future you won't regret the divorce. You'll regret the precious time you wasted. It's done. No where to go but toward the future.

 

You sound like a good man. Somewhere out there is a good woman who will understand commitment and who will want desperately to spend the rest of her life with you. Every hand has a glove. Live life fully and, once you heal up a bit, be open to loving and receiving love.

[Sportsguy4]

You don't know why the marriage ended because the problem was whatever was going on in your wife's head and not you. From the sounds of it, you did everything you could. You will likely never be able to figure out what she was thinking, so stop trying. It will drive you insane. If/when you start trying to figure it out, STOP and think of something else. Eventually, you'll start to think about it less and less.

 

How long it takes to get over is individual, but you won't make progress obsessing over it. You need to keep busy, be social, concentrate on the positive, and cultivate current interests or get into something new. Trust me, in the future you won't regret the divorce. You'll regret the precious time you wasted. It's done. No where to go but toward the future.

 

You sound like a good man. Somewhere out there is a good woman who will understand commitment and who will want desperately to spend the rest of her life with you. Every hand has a glove. Live life fully and, once you heal up a bit, be open to loving and receiving love.

 

It's tough because I've put everything I have into the person that I love, and she ran over me for it. I do try and get out and spend time with friends and watch sports which I thoroughly enjoy.

 

I made my mistakes and I admitted them, I think I do have a lot to offer someone it's just I already had the one I wanted to give it to.

 

As far as being open to another relationship, I'm sure I will be but it feels like I can't trust anyone in that aspect right now. It's almost like you worry about when will this person screw you over too. The amount of stress and pure exhaustion of going through something like this makes me very weary of wanting to put myself into a situation like that again.

 

I feel like my divorce has to be one of the stupidest reasons to ever get a divorce over. I wasn't out screwing other women, I don't drink, heck I don't even like to argue. She was never in physical danger, it literally was her family over me. It just screws with my mind that someone who says they love you, can do that to you.

[Adlih]

Love works both ways. It's natural it flows. There are no conditions to prove it, it is felt. Maybe what you two need is to get to know each other again. 10 months a part is a long time.

[Sportsguy4]

Sitting here today and all I have is regrets. Sports is my biggest passion it always has been. I look around at how many athletes get up and move half way across the country to play ball somewhere, and I couldn't get up and move 3.5 hours away in the same state for my wife.

 

Although we had so many problems it was never right for me to have the emotional affair. Although I will always be glad it did not escalate to a sexual affair, I feel like I owed it to my wife to move up there. Yes I listed a lot of things I tried to do and fix during the separation but the truth is this, my wife was willing to still try if I had just made the move.

 

Now I lay in bed at night tossing and turning, and dreaming about her. Even though no one said I should make the move because it wouldn't work, I'm struggling because none of them lost a marriage in the process!!

 

I could literally be in the process of making my move to her town and actually pursuing love instead of going to bed alone. I feel like I wasted the opportunity to have my marriage. She waited 11 months after the separation before going through with the divorce, but I would never budge on the one issue.

 

I feel like its all my fault I'm where I am

[hl1962]

Okay...now we have something to work with.

 

Hmmmmm. I'm shooting from the hip here...but it sounds to me that perhaps she was a bit disillusioned by marriage. And instead of turning to you...turned to her family.

 

A few months in and she's working late and deciding to hang out with family on breaks is a big red flag. I'm a teacher...so I know late nights can happen...but in the first year of marriage...I still wanted to get home to my then husband.

 

What's her family like? Do they still quasi-control her decisions? Sometimes, the "familly of origin" or FOO can really bring out some problems that aren't apparent when dating. I know...I lived that one. I had no idea what my stbx's family was REALLY like until after I married him.

 

My stbx has been controlled by his family since we've been married. And it's subtle. But I NEVER felt I would EVER be first in line.....EVER.

 

While the affair indeed do some damage....and I'm sure you realize was probably not the best avenue to take....it sounds like you have tried to do all the things one should do when one decides to do that.

 

I'm thinking the family has a pretty tight pull on her and until she can independently separate from them....it's never going to be a marriage that you can feel peaceful in.

 

Going to visit family and friends occasionally is healthy and good.....constantly leaving at every opportunity is not. There's something really "off" there.

 

I think...and this is my two cents...she is looking for some "Holy Grail" of overtures from you that will cut those family apron strings for her psychologically. She is the only one who can do that.

 

My stbx still hasn't cut his apron strings....and it's horrible being the spouse of someone who hasn't. You never feel like a priority....or family. I really never felt like we (our son and I) were his REAL family. Even the people at work he called his "work family". That's horrible to feel like that in a marriage.

 

I would not quit my job. Keep lines of communication open. Be civil. But you need to look out for yourself....not selfishly...just smartly.

 

My two cents.

I'm that spouse too w/ H attached to his original "my way or highway" family. I endured 20+ yrs of neglect while pretty much raising two kids by myself. Now they are in college and I wanted a D. He wanted to work things out... NOT. Sucks to be in limbo.

[hl1962]

Sitting here today and all I have is regrets. Sports is my biggest passion it always has been. I look around at how many athletes get up and move half way across the country to play ball somewhere, and I couldn't get up and move 3.5 hours away in the same state for my wife.

 

Although we had so many problems it was never right for me to have the emotional affair. Although I will always be glad it did not escalate to a sexual affair, I feel like I owed it to my wife to move up there. Yes I listed a lot of things I tried to do and fix during the separation but the truth is this, my wife was willing to still try if I had just made the move.

 

Now I lay in bed at night tossing and turning, and dreaming about her. Even though no one said I should make the move because it wouldn't work, I'm struggling because none of them lost a marriage in the process!!

 

I could literally be in the process of making my move to her town and actually pursuing love instead of going to bed alone. I feel like I wasted the opportunity to have my marriage. She waited 11 months after the separation before going through with the divorce, but I would never budge on the one issue.

 

I feel like its all my fault I'm where I am

Try very very very hard to steer away your thoughts of her when they occur. It's done, life goes on. She doesn't sound too loving and caring towards you. Don't think your move would improve your marriage that much if you couldn't find a comparable job and become resentful/depressed. Don't beat yourself up. Like other said, stay busy, stay strong, one day at a time. In a distant future, find someone to adore and be adored.

[RightThere]

Sitting here today and all I have is regrets. Sports is my biggest passion it always has been. I look around at how many athletes get up and move half way across the country to play ball somewhere, and I couldn't get up and move 3.5 hours away in the same state for my wife.

 

Although we had so many problems it was never right for me to have the emotional affair. Although I will always be glad it did not escalate to a sexual affair, I feel like I owed it to my wife to move up there. Yes I listed a lot of things I tried to do and fix during the separation but the truth is this, my wife was willing to still try if I had just made the move.

 

Now I lay in bed at night tossing and turning, and dreaming about her. Even though no one said I should make the move because it wouldn't work, I'm struggling because none of them lost a marriage in the process!!

 

I could literally be in the process of making my move to her town and actually pursuing love instead of going to bed alone. I feel like I wasted the opportunity to have my marriage. She waited 11 months after the separation before going through with the divorce, but I would never budge on the one issue.

 

I feel like its all my fault I'm where I am

 

It's very easy for your wife to point out "you didn't do this for me so the failure in our marriage is your fault."

 

You didn't move 3.5 hrs away so now it's your fault. What she's failing to realize is there a numerous things I'm sure she didn't do in the marriage but you're not beating her up other them.

 

The failure in your marriage is usually 50/50. She's just not owning up to her 50% and you're taking the blame for 100% of it.

[Mr. Lucky]

I couldn't get up and move 3.5 hours away in the same state for my wife.

 

What would be the next hoop to jump through?

 

You like sports? Marriage is a team activity and a collaborative effort. One partner doesn't appoint herself GM/Owner and move the franchise...

 

Mr. Lucky

[justsounsure]

Ho. Lee. Sh*t.

 

I really have searched the internet far and wide for someone else going through my situation - ours are obviously different, but same end premise - my girl chose her family of origin over me.

 

I get the times of work, going to visit family and I just disappear. I get it all.

 

Granted, I wasn't married. But we were together for a year, and then when things started to go a little south (her contracted job ended here, and she started feeling lost. It took a bit of a toll on the relationship and I feel that she started pulling away), she wanted to go home. To her parents. Now, granted, my woman's parents are 2000 miles away, and my woman is 31 years old. It was a tough pill to swallow. She just left. I absolutely couldn't leave. At least not within the matter of weeks. She brought it up one day, and within 6 weeks, was gone. I have a huge career here that I cannot just up and leave, we have a lease on an apartment ... all sorts of crap.

 

I also got the "if you really loved me, you would move to be with me".

I also got the text that she just must not be what I want after all.

 

I even did long distance for a little while after she left, because I couldn't imagine it just ending because she wanted to move and be with her family. The long distance was awful. She was no longer 100% in the relationship. She was too busy hanging out with her dad, or catching up with old friends, and how don't I understand, and why can't I be patient while she "settles in"?!? All while being UNEMPLOYED, and telling me that if I loved her, I would move there, and she would marry me if I moved there.

 

But if I didn't move there, she didn't really see a future, because she wasn't going to come back (oh, by the way, the not ever coming back became extremely evident as soon as she got there ... but the whole deal with her leaving in the first place was to figure out why she felt she should be there "at this time" ... it was always an "unknown" what would ultimately happen. This is why I agreed to long distance in the first place. But as soon as she got there, she suddenly couldn't see herself coming back.)

 

So I finally just said we cannot agree, therefore cannot be together. And I cry everyday.

 

In the end, yeah, I could have quit my extremely lucrative job, left my own hometown with friends and family, and not to mention MY parents (though that is not a big deal to me ... my life isn't dictated by my parents), moved up to live in her parents' house, and we would be 2 unemployed thirty-somethings living with her extremely overbearing parents, but hey, we would have love, right?!?

 

I have lost the most important person to me because I am trying to be true to myself. And myself is practical. And myself also thinks that a relationship isn't her way or the highway. A relationship requires compromise. I even told her she could live there for a bit, we'd do distance, she could move back here for a bit while I figure out my next career move, and we would make a goal to move to her parent's town within a couple years. Nope. It's either, we do long distance until I move there ... or nothing. (And keep in mind, the month we did do long distance, we fought the entire time because her communication just basically fell through the roof the moment she left. Some nights I wouldn't even hear from her.) She somehow seems to be shocked and pissed at me that I chose nothing. And it means I must not love her enough. Just blows my mind. How on Earth is she showing me how much she loves me? As far as I'm concerned, she would rather live her future with her parents and her family of origin than have a family with me. The last time I saw her, when she came to visit me a month into our long distance, she was telling me how sad it was when she was younger that her parents moved her and her siblings from one state to another, and she didn't grow up around her cousins and grandparents. I tried to explain to her, yes but that's what married people do, they create a new nuclear family, and they do what's best for that family. I told her that her parents moved because it was the best decision for them at the time financially, and due to her sister's allergies, and that, while ideal to keep an entire extended family in one area, it's virtually impossible to control that. Her response to me was, "Well, I am going to do everything I can to try and at least make it so." That was when I let go. I stopped fighting. I dropped her off at the airport the next morning, crying, told her that I want to marry her. And she was crying too. But she left. She wants to have a baby, and she is going to have one on her own if I don't move up there. Like that's how much more important being with her family is than being with me. I just cannot, no matter how much I love someone, be okay with that. I just can't. And you cannot either. Think of all the resentment that would be inside you once you moved there. You would have sacrificed EVERYTHING for someone who wasn't willing to do the same for you. It's heartbreaking to acknowledge, but it is complete and utter bullsh*t.

 

I am so sorry that you are going through this. So very sorry. It's beyond heartbreaking not just because it's a major loss, but it's not even something one can really even wrap their brain around at the end of the day.

 

PS. While reading this back, it's evident that this girl doesn't love me. I don't care how much she tells me that she does and always will, and how I'm making a huge mistake, and how she "hopes I know what I'm doing" with my decision.

Not really sure how I became the dumper in the first place, when I sure as sh*t feel like the dumpee. So unreal.

 

You did not waste any opportunity whatsoever. This is not your fault AT ALL. These women are in my opinion emotional abusers. And trust me, I get that it's hard to say that. It's hard to get mad, because we love them so much, and have such a soft spot for them. But I am pissed at your woman for making you feel like this. What a selfish little thing. And you probably think the same of mine when you read my story, and yet we are both going to bed miserable tonite thinking what could we have done differently. How awful. This is why I post angry stuff on here about life being unfair and people reply to me with nasty comments. I am flat out angry. I am angry at your ex, at my ex's, at all these people running around making great, loving, compromising people think and feel like THEY are completely at fault. So hurtful.

Edited June 20, 2015 by justsounsure

[Sportsguy4]

Ho. Lee. Sh*t.

 

I really have searched the internet far and wide for someone else going through my situation - ours are obviously different, but same end premise - my girl chose her family of origin over me.

 

I get the times of work, going to visit family and I just disappear. I get it all.

 

Granted, I wasn't married. But we were together for a year, and then when things started to go a little south (her contracted job ended here, and she started feeling lost. It took a bit of a toll on the relationship and I feel that she started pulling away), she wanted to go home. To her parents. Now, granted, my woman's parents are 2000 miles away, and my woman is 31 years old. It was a tough pill to swallow. She just left. I absolutely couldn't leave. At least not within the matter of weeks. She brought it up one day, and within 6 weeks, was gone. I have a huge career here that I cannot just up and leave, we have a lease on an apartment ... all sorts of crap.

 

I also got the "if you really loved me, you would move to be with me".

I also got the text that she just must not be what I want after all.

 

I even did long distance for a little while after she left, because I couldn't imagine it just ending because she wanted to move and be with her family. The long distance was awful. She was no longer 100% in the relationship. She was too busy hanging out with her dad, or catching up with old friends, and how don't I understand, and why can't I be patient while she "settles in"?!? All while being UNEMPLOYED, and telling me that if I loved her, I would move there, and she would marry me if I moved there.

 

But if I didn't move there, she didn't really see a future, because she wasn't going to come back (oh, by the way, the not ever coming back became extremely evident as soon as she got there ... but the whole deal with her leaving in the first place was to figure out why she felt she should be there "at this time" ... it was always an "unknown" what would ultimately happen. This is why I agreed to long distance in the first place. But as soon as she got there, she suddenly couldn't see herself coming back.)

 

So I finally just said we cannot agree, therefore cannot be together. And I cry everyday.

 

In the end, yeah, I could have quit my extremely lucrative job, left my own hometown with friends and family, and not to mention MY parents (though that is not a big deal to me ... my life isn't dictated by my parents), moved up to live in her parents' house, and we would be 2 unemployed thirty-somethings living with her extremely overbearing parents, but hey, we would have love, right?!?

 

I have lost the most important person to me because I am trying to be true to myself. And myself is practical. And myself also thinks that a relationship isn't her way or the highway. A relationship requires compromise. I even told her she could live there for a bit, we'd do distance, she could move back here for a bit while I figure out my next career move, and we would make a goal to move to her parent's town within a couple years. Nope. It's either, we do long distance until I move there ... or nothing. (And keep in mind, the month we did do long distance, we fought the entire time because her communication just basically fell through the roof the moment she left. Some nights I wouldn't even hear from her.) She somehow seems to be shocked and pissed at me that I chose nothing. And it means I must not love her enough. Just blows my mind. How on Earth is she showing me how much she loves me? As far as I'm concerned, she would rather live her future with her parents and her family of origin than have a family with me. The last time I saw her, when she came to visit me a month into our long distance, she was telling me how sad it was when she was younger that her parents moved her and her siblings from one state to another, and she didn't grow up around her cousins and grandparents. I tried to explain to her, yes but that's what married people do, they create a new nuclear family, and they do what's best for that family. I told her that her parents moved because it was the best decision for them at the time financially, and due to her sister's allergies, and that, while ideal to keep an entire extended family in one area, it's virtually impossible to control that. Her response to me was, "Well, I am going to do everything I can to try and at least make it so." That was when I let go. I stopped fighting. I dropped her off at the airport the next morning, crying, told her that I want to marry her. And she was crying too. But she left. She wants to have a baby, and she is going to have one on her own if I don't move up there. Like that's how much more important being with her family is than being with me. I just cannot, no matter how much I love someone, be okay with that. I just can't. And you cannot either. Think of all the resentment that would be inside you once you moved there. You would have sacrificed EVERYTHING for someone who wasn't willing to do the same for you. It's heartbreaking to acknowledge, but it is complete and utter bullsh*t.

 

I am so sorry that you are going through this. So very sorry. It's beyond heartbreaking not just because it's a major loss, but it's not even something one can really even wrap their brain around at the end of the day.

 

PS. While reading this back, it's evident that this girl doesn't love me. I don't care how much she tells me that she does and always will, and how I'm making a huge mistake, and how she "hopes I know what I'm doing" with my decision.

Not really sure how I became the dumper in the first place, when I sure as sh*t feel like the dumpee. So unreal.

 

You did not waste any opportunity whatsoever. This is not your fault AT ALL. These women are in my opinion emotional abusers. And trust me, I get that it's hard to say that. It's hard to get mad, because we love them so much, and have such a soft spot for them. But I am pissed at your woman for making you feel like this. What a selfish little thing. And you probably think the same of mine when you read my story, and yet we are both going to bed miserable tonite thinking what could we have done differently. How awful. This is why I post angry stuff on here about life being unfair and people reply to me with nasty comments. I am flat out angry. I am angry at your ex, at my ex's, at all these people running around making great, loving, compromising people think and feel like THEY are completely at fault. So hurtful.

 

WOW! That is all I can say. So I am not the only person on the face of the earth that has had to endure dealing with the instability of a person who is just unwilling to let go of her FOO to create her own family. Yes, my story is a little different because of the marriage aspect, but truthfully be thankful this didn't happen to you after "I do". I'd much rather of had this happen before our marriage then after, thinking this was the person for the rest of my life.

 

How can someone put such an ultimatum on another person and be ok with it? Both mine and yours willing to work on it, ONLY on the condition we sacrifice ALL and their "sacrifice" is willing to continue the relationship. Deep down I'm coming to learn that this isn't love but having the head knowledge and actually applying it, is two totally different things for me at the present time.

 

To be honest, I could leave the job. Money is nice but for me it's truly not everything. What I couldn't do was move up there under the conditions that she was applying. For the year and half we were living together, every opportunity to make the trip home she took it. I couldn't live 10 minutes from the people that were more important than "us" when we lived 3.5 hours away. If she had wanted us to move halfway across the country I could of accepted it more than what she did pull.

 

I also know what it's like to not hear from them for a good period of time. I'm sorry man that you too have had to experience this. When she would just disappear were you still reaching out? I can remember last Oct & Nov calling or texting her, and silence on her end for 10-14 days at a time. It was so painful to endure. Then go figure as SOON as she did want to reach out, if I hadn't responded within 2-3 hours she's sending follow-up asking if I'm ignoring her. WTF IS THAT???? You can just leave me hanging like im a piece of trash with no feelings, but you don't get a response the very second you send something, and you start to panic???

 

It's so crazy how they think we chose or did nothing for them. I actually created a list this week of all the things I did do during the separation before the divorce. I sent her money, cards, flowers, candy, I started counseling, i called her, texted her, bought a love devotion book and did all 40 challenges, went up there and met her pastor that weekend 4 months ago. Yet she says I didn't even try??? WHAT DID SHE DO???!!! Things got rocky in the marriage and SHE RAN! Said if I wanted it I could chase after her and we could be one still.

 

I never felt #1 in the marriage, and I always felt like she was trying to change me into what she wanted me to be, instead of loving me for who I am. I just wish I wouldn't of had that one moment of weakness, where I feel like I gave her the way out of the marriage. I know she wanted out before it, hell she had even mentioned divorce TWICE within the first 9 months of marriage.

 

Here's where I know I struggle still. It's been 14 months since we've separated, and I've made NO PROGRESS. Maybe it's because of how she slept with me just 4 months ago, maybe it's because I'm just not willing to let go. I have not heard a word from her since March 1st. Yet here I am pining away, tossing and turning every night, and then having her haunt me in my dreams. I cannot escape her at all, and it's because I gave her everything, and she ran me over for it. I STILL LOVE her just as much as the day I married her, and have some sort of hope that maybe ONE day she will see what she has done and she would actually want to possibly go back to counseling and remarriage could be a possibility.

 

When you read that, how crazy/insane do I sound?? She HAS divorced me because she wasn't willing to sacrifice anything, and I WOULD still take her back in a heartbeat. The other sad thing is there are already at least 3 other women who would at least like to go on a date with me. I just can't do it, I know where and with who my heart is with, and I feel like I can never love someone the way that I have loved my wife. Not only that but she screwed me up emotionally too, like even if I did start to date, I'd just be waiting for that moment for them to screw me over too.

 

I keep thinking what if one day I did just move up there, like a year a from now? I just hate this for both of us. I have no clue what she's doing and I've deleted my Facebook so the 100 plus mutual friends we have will not be a constant reminder of what I've lost.

 

The worst part is thinking if she's just as happy as can be. Enjoying her life, living so close to her family, and old friends like in high school days? That I probably never even cross her mind, the truth is my ex wife, and your ex girlfriend have NO CLUE the damage and the scars they leave behind on a person. They just go forward, and it's almost like pretend it never happened. Meanwhile, we sit here completely destroyed mentally, and emotionally and have no clue what the light at the end of this tunnel will look like, or if we'll ever truly get there.

 

It does sound like you may be getting closer to it than I am. I hope one day I can make it, but it just seems like this woman will still always have my heart, and as of today I'd still take her back no regrets, it's like this whole ordeal never happened, and I know that's not right.

 

Looking forward to hearing more from you, and maybe we can be a punching bag for each other, because unless someone has lived it, they don't truly understand it.

[Sportsguy4]

It's very easy for your wife to point out "you didn't do this for me so the failure in our marriage is your fault."

 

You didn't move 3.5 hrs away so now it's your fault. What she's failing to realize is there a numerous things I'm sure she didn't do in the marriage but you're not beating her up other them.

 

The failure in your marriage is usually 50/50. She's just not owning up to her 50% and you're taking the blame for 100% of it.

 

I agree. I have been seeing a counselor for over a year now. He has always said this. That when things go wrong there is a pie and usually both people are at about 50% of the pie. However, in my case my ex wife takes 0% of the pie and let's me take all of it in her mind.

 

That there can never be in reconciliation until she can see her portion of the pie when it came to crumbling of the marriage.

[Sportsguy4]

What would be the next hoop to jump through?

 

You like sports? Marriage is a team activity and a collaborative effort. One partner doesn't appoint herself GM/Owner and move the franchise...

 

Mr. Lucky

 

I'm sure there would be another 1,000 hoops to jump through

 

Thanks for the sports analogy, I really have never looked at it like that before, and it is very true. I just want to get to the point to where all the head knowledge becomes applicable for me.

 

I never want to get to the point to where I hate her, but I want to get to the point to where I won't be so blinded by my love for her, and I can see her for who she really is, and how she really treated me in the marriage.

[justsounsure]

Yes, my story is a little different because of the marriage aspect, but truthfully be thankful this didn't happen to you after "I do". I'd much rather of had this happen before our marriage then after, thinking this was the person for the rest of my life.

 

Beyond thankful.

I do lurk on the divorce board though because I feel like people here are a little more empathetic and the relationships and stories are taken a bit more seriously due to the nature of commitment. I feel sad because I really thought I would marry her. We discussed it often.

 

How can someone put such an ultimatum on another person and be ok with it? Both mine and yours willing to work on it, ONLY on the condition we sacrifice ALL and their "sacrifice" is willing to continue the relationship. Deep down I'm coming to learn that this isn't love but having the head knowledge and actually applying it, is two totally different things for me at the present time.

 

I wrestle with it as well. She still to the day will tell me that she loves me so much. But what good are those words without action behind them? I wonder if she just tells me this to continue to make sure I feel awful for deciding not to make that "sacrifice"? I don't know. Mine still somehow cannot see that it is an unfair proposal.

 

To be honest, I could leave the job. Money is nice but for me it's truly not everything. What I couldn't do was move up there under the conditions that she was applying. For the year and half we were living together, every opportunity to make the trip home she took it. I couldn't live 10 minutes from the people that were more important than "us" when we lived 3.5 hours away. If she had wanted us to move halfway across the country I could of accepted it more than what she did pull.

 

I told my girl over and over that moving anywhere wasn't out of the question in the future. But to expect me to drop my career immediately after she lost hers was very suspect to me. Seemed selfish and had more ego motive than really thinking about "us" and what was truly best for "our" future. But that's the thing. She wasn't thinking about "us". Before I met her, she knew her contract was going to end in a year. And before I met her, she actually had a plan to move back home when the job was over, and have a baby on her own, and her parents would help her raise it, because she had "given up on love". My response was, "Oh sh*t well it's a good thing you met me then because that's a terrible plan!!" She agreed, and said now her plan was going to have to change.

 

But the plan never changed. Even as much as she seemed to want to at one point, I don't think she could have ever truly gone through with not moving back to her family. It became evident the first chance she had gone to visit them. It was Christmas and I went with her for the first half of the trip (all that I could get off from work). The whole time we were there together, she did not pay me an ounce of attention. I thought she would show me around her hometown ... we spent every waking moment with her parents. We went clubbing one Saturday night with her sister and brother in law, and her 65 year old DAD. She wanted me to dance with her, and I was like, I don't feel super comfortable man-handling you on the dancefloor right now when your father is 3 feet away taking pictures. It was bizarre. I asked the brother in law, "Does he go everywhere with them?" And responded, "I know, weird, right?!" ?!?!?

 

Our relationship shifted after that visit. She made the comment while we were up there that if I moved there she would marry me immediately. The parents kept asking me when I was going to move there. I was bombarded. It had never even been discussed between the 2 of us before the thought of me even moving there, and yet I felt the trip had an ulterior motive. I went home, and she stayed, and yes, for the next week I rarely heard from her. I called one night and she had to go because they needed her to fill in to play cards. By the time I went to pick her up from the airport, I felt nervous for our relationship. And the airport exchange was awkward. Again, months later when she went home for another 2 week visit, this time without me, nights would go that I wouldn't get a text, picked her up from the airport with flowers and the whole 9, and not much response from her. Other than dealings with her family, the girl was 250% enamored with me, hence why this was so heartbreaking to me.

 

 

Then go figure as SOON as she did want to reach out, if I hadn't responded within 2-3 hours she's sending follow-up asking if I'm ignoring her. WTF IS THAT???? You can just leave me hanging like im a piece of trash with no feelings, but you don't get a response the very second you send something, and you start to panic???

 

I would get this at work. A text and then 15 minutes later "Hello??????" It was unreal. I already completely bent the cell phone rule at work every which way but Sunday because she would complain that I didn't talk to her enough while I was there. I'm at WORK!!! Not to mention if I didn't call with 7 minutes of 5pm ... I can't even get started on this topic.

 

 

It's so crazy how they think we chose or did nothing for them. I actually created a list this week of all the things I did do during the separation before the divorce. I sent her money, cards, flowers, candy, I started counseling, i called her, texted her, bought a love devotion book and did all 40 challenges, went up there and met her pastor that weekend 4 months ago. Yet she says I didn't even try??? WHAT DID SHE DO???!!! Things got rocky in the marriage and SHE RAN! Said if I wanted it I could chase after her and we could be one still.

 

Somehow these things go unnoticed. I was told the last time I spoke to her that she does not feel that I respect her as a person. I don't even know how to begin to even respond to such an unfounded accusation.

 

I got an email after she came to visit the last time saying (about the break up), "Fine, if you think this is what's best for you". NO!!! No!!! It's what's best for YOU remember??? You are the one that left! I am sorry that I cannot continue under these conditions that have been thrown at me. She doesn't get it. At all. Technically, I ultimately decided that I cannot do this anymore, so I guess I'm the dumper ... but I don't feel that way. I feel that I was made to be the dumper with the most ridiculous of conditions given to me that I just could not agree to.

 

It's best for NO ONE to have 2 unemployed 30-something adults living in her parents house for god knows how long. I am relatively new in my career, and got lucky enough to work for a small, albeit large-revenued company, where my boss just thinks the world of me. I love getting up and going to work, and have since I met her. Currently, it's all that keeps me sane. She didn't care. In fact, I got promoted while she was away on one of her trips to see her parents, and instead of a congratulations, I got, "That's great. Now you're never gonna leave that job." It's like if anything didn't fall in line with her dream about living in her parent's womb for the rest of time, it was completely unimportant. My life and what I wanted, those things were only important if they meant we lived down the road from her parents. I just couldn't and still cannot wrap my head around it. I want to, but my heart just cries out for her. I'm begging for my head to catch up but it just cannot seem to.

 

I couldn't live 10 minutes from the people that were more important than "us" when we lived 3.5 hours away.

 

THIS. This this and some more this. I don't even feel like it will ever be an option ever again for us to be together, even if she came crawling back, because now there is no WAY I would ever move close to them. She pushed me so far away from ever wanting anything to do with them, because now I know that it's always going to be more important to me. If we have a kid, god forbid they ever get sick, or have financial problems, etc. I will be marrying them as well, and I cannot. I just cannot.

 

She is back to the idea of having a child on her own I suppose. I straight up asked her, if it was between going home to them and having a baby, or staying here with me and having a baby, she responded and told me that no relationship will ever be more important to her than raising her child with her parents around. So, that was pretty much it for me. Not really much more to say to that.

 

I never felt #1 in the marriage, and I always felt like she was trying to change me into what she wanted me to be, instead of loving me for who I am.

 

This is why I had to walk away. These would be my words a few years down the line. It's obvious, they already are, and we weren't even married.

 

Yet here I am pining away, tossing and turning every night, and then having her haunt me in my dreams. I cannot escape her at all, and it's because I gave her everything, and she ran me over for it. I STILL LOVE her just as much as the day I married her, and have some sort of hope that maybe ONE day she will see what she has done and she would actually want to possibly go back to counseling and remarriage could be a possibility.

 

This is me as well. I am not nearly as far out, but I know it will still be me to some extent (assuming I don't meet someone else in the meantime, but I have no desire to date, at all). I love her. I do. I have these crazy hopes and dreams that she will learn more about herself and come to the realization that she needs to cut the umbilical cord. I can't seem to let go. I am trying, but it feels like it's no use.

 

The other sad thing is there are already at least 3 other women who would at least like to go on a date with me. I just can't do it, I know where and with who my heart is with, and I feel like I can never love someone the way that I have loved my wife. Not only that but she screwed me up emotionally too, like even if I did start to date, I'd just be waiting for that moment for them to screw me over too.

 

I'm glad that you recognize this. Not everyone does. It's not fair for me to date right now, when I am emotionally invested elsewhere. And the same for you. It sucks, but it's the truth. As far as the screwing up emotionally, this unfortunately isn't my first go-round with women who have done something totally irrational to our relationship, so I'm a bit ahead of you there, as I am just not super surprised. I actually think I am becoming jaded and cynical. I hate it, because I am a total romantic, but something's gotta give.

 

I keep thinking what if one day I did just move up there, like a year a from now? I just hate this for both of us. I have no clue what she's doing and I've deleted my Facebook so the 100 plus mutual friends we have will not be a constant reminder of what I've lost.

 

I cannot entertain this idea for some reason. I think she pushed me so far away from the thought of ever moving there now, when in the beginning I was willing (just wasn't gonna happen in the matter of 2 months!). Maybe things will get so sh*tty for me here that I will eventually be thinking like this, but right now the thought of even that city makes me cringe. Hearing people talk about that area brings up weird anger within me, associated to a g*ddamn city. That's how I know this cannot be right. How can one make you feel that way about a city you barely even know anything about??

 

 

 

The worst part is thinking if she's just as happy as can be. Enjoying her life, living so close to her family, and old friends like in high school days? That I probably never even cross her mind, the truth is my ex wife, and your ex girlfriend have NO CLUE the damage and the scars they leave behind on a person. They just go forward, and it's almost like pretend it never happened. Meanwhile, we sit here completely destroyed mentally, and emotionally and have no clue what the light at the end of this tunnel will look like, or if we'll ever truly get there.

 

This is why I had to end the long distance with her. She was having her cake and eating it too. The distance didn't seem to bother her one bit because she was out with high school friends each night, playing cards with her family, etc, while I was sitting at our apartment, with our animals, working full time, missing the crap out of her. And when I would call upset that I miss her so much, she would lightly tell me to go out and do something and be happy. We just weren't on the same page at all. It just spoke volumes to me about what I really was to her.

 

 

It does sound like you may be getting closer to it than I am. I hope one day I can make it, but it just seems like this woman will still always have my heart, and as of today I'd still take her back no regrets, it's like this whole ordeal never happened, and I know that's not right.

 

Luckily for me, my "good times" with her have been as long as my bad, and are closely approaching the mark where the bad times are going to take up more than 50% of the length of our relationship. So, I did get lucky in that she didn't give me years of happiness before this happened. She let it out of the bag pretty quick, and that I am grateful for. I am still beyond messed up over it, though. Probably way more so than I should be for just a year long relationship, but I really thought this was gonna be the one. All other relationships had great times and I could see myself being with them forever, but this one had passion that I had not experienced in my life. The thought of proposing made me weak in the knees, whereas that type of romance never existed for me in prior relationships. So I'm taking it pretty hard, and wondering if I will ever find that again.

 

Looking forward to hearing more from you, and maybe we can be a punching bag for each other, because unless someone has lived it, they don't truly understand it.

 

Exactly. I don't get too many responses to my posts on here, because my situation is an odd one. I don't think people know what to say, really. It's somewhat of a no-brainer in a sense ... like our heads are telling us ... we just gotta let this one go. But it's so much easier said than done. My heart and my head are in an epic battle by the minute. The tornado it causes within every fiber of my being is almost more than I can take at moments. Some moments, I just need a time out. Tonight, I forced myself to just nap because I wanted relief from my thoughts and feelings. I know once it gets to that, I'm not in a good place.

 

I am not in a good place. I understand, and I feel for you. I am here.

Edited June 21, 2015 by justsounsure

[Sportsguy4]

Beyond thankful.

I do lurk on the divorce board though because I feel like people here are a little more empathetic and the relationships and stories are taken a bit more seriously due to the nature of commitment. I feel sad because I really thought I would marry her. We discussed it often.

 

Yeah the nature of it being a marriage makes it harder for me. I actually dated another woman for 5 years prior to this relationship, and although hard when it ended it doesn't even come close to the pain that I'm currently enduring. I know if you were talking about marriage it couldn't of been easy to take this loss.

 

 

 

I wrestle with it as well. She still to the day will tell me that she loves me so much. But what good are those words without action behind them? I wonder if she just tells me this to continue to make sure I feel awful for deciding not to make that "sacrifice"? I don't know. Mine still somehow cannot see that it is an unfair proposal.

 

So you still hear from her? It's been since March 1st since I've heard a single word. Yeah if her actions don't line up it won't matter. Mine was tough because I kept telling her I loved her and I kept trying to show her with my efforts.

 

 

I told my girl over and over that moving anywhere wasn't out of the question in the future. But to expect me to drop my career immediately after she lost hers was very suspect to me. Seemed selfish and had more ego motive than really thinking about "us" and what was truly best for "our" future. But that's the thing. She wasn't thinking about "us". Before I met her, she knew her contract was going to end in a year. And before I met her, she actually had a plan to move back home when the job was over, and have a baby on her own, and her parents would help her raise it, because she had "given up on love". My response was, "Oh sh*t well it's a good thing you met me then because that's a terrible plan!!" She agreed, and said now her plan was going to have to change.

 

I probably had my chance to make the move though. She went home last June, and here we are a year later just getting the divorce. If I committed to the move this past February I wouldn't be in this current predicament. She always told me she was never coming back here. I think she always wanted to go home from day 1 of the marriage. Maybe she just assumed I would follow her there.

 

[Our relationship shifted after that visit. She made the comment while we were up there that if I moved there she would marry me immediately. The parents kept asking me when I was going to move there. I was bombarded. It had never even been discussed between the 2 of us before the thought of me even moving there, and yet I felt the trip had an ulterior motive. I went home, and she stayed, and yes, for the next week I rarely heard from her. I called one night and she had to go because they needed her to fill in to play cards. By the time I went to pick her up from the airport, I felt nervous for our relationship. And the airport exchange was awkward. Again, months later when she went home for another 2 week visit, this time without me, nights would go that I wouldn't get a text, picked her up from the airport with flowers and the whole 9, and not much response from her. Other than dealings with her family, the girl was 250% enamored with me, hence why this was so heartbreaking to me.

 

Yeah mine made the comment about why would I kick you out if you came up here?? She couldn't see my fear about how she already walked away once, she too just assumed if I was there everything would work out perfectly. Mine wasn't enamored with me though by this point. I think she only focused on what I did wrong, and could never see anything that I did right.

 

I got an email after she came to visit the last time saying (about the break up), "Fine, if you think this is what's best for you". NO!!! No!!! It's what's best for YOU remember??? You are the one that left! I am sorry that I cannot continue under these conditions that have been thrown at me. She doesn't get it. At all. Technically, I ultimately decided that I cannot do this anymore, so I guess I'm the dumper ... but I don't feel that way. I feel that I was made to be the dumper with the most ridiculous of conditions given to me that I just could not agree to.

 

I sent her a letter with some money in it right around the end of Feb, beginning of March. She sent it back and said I knew her "intentions" and although "she may not be what I want at least she's honest" What do you mean you're not what I want?!?!?! I've only spent the last year groveling at your feet to try and save our marriage, while you play Russian roulette with it. They do put horrible conditions, but as a human being I still regret not going.

 

I love getting up and going to work, and have since I met her. Currently, it's all that keeps me sane. She didn't care. In fact, I got promoted while she was away on one of her trips to see her parents, and instead of a congratulations, I got, "That's great. Now you're never gonna leave that job." It's like if anything didn't fall in line with her dream about living in her parent's womb for the rest of time, it was completely unimportant. My life and what I wanted, those things were only important if they meant we lived down the road from her parents. I just couldn't and still cannot wrap my head around it. I want to, but my heart just cries out for her. I'm begging for my head to catch up but it just cannot seem to.

 

My job is ok but it's not what gets me through the day. I have to listen to some sports radio, and when I get home I try to do some cardio workouts to just forget about everything for awhile. My heart is also devastated, my head knows all the facts, the efforts, the lack of on her end, but my heart just breaks and reminds me she's not there anymore.

 

I don't even feel like it will ever be an option ever again for us to be together, even if she came crawling back, because now there is no WAY I would ever move close to them. She pushed me so far away from ever wanting anything to do with them, because now I know that it's always going to be more important to me. If we have a kid, god forbid they ever get sick, or have financial problems, etc. I will be marrying them as well, and I cannot. I just cannot.

 

I want to reach this stage and I know eventually it will come. If she called me anytime in the next 6-12 months, I'm sure I'd have to listen to what she says. It's just crazy that everyone that lives here, and knows of the situation tells me if I want to hold out hope then keep praying and doing so. However, moving should never be my option as they all think it'd be the worst decision in my life. I know if I ever did make that call, i'd be marrying her parents, siblings, cousins etc.....

 

She is back to the idea of having a child on her own I suppose. I straight up asked her, if it was between going home to them and having a baby, or staying here with me and having a baby, she responded and told me that no relationship will ever be more important to her than raising her child with her parents around. So, that was pretty much it for me. Not really much more to say to that.

 

This is so messed up to me. YOU HAVE TO CUT THE TIES AT SOME POINT!!! I love my dad to death, he is probably my best friend, but when we got married I'd call him every day, but I'd only visit like once a month. I knew my marriage was my new family, and I needed to focus on that. How can they not see it?

 

This is me as well. I am not nearly as far out, but I know it will still be me to some extent (assuming I don't meet someone else in the meantime, but I have no desire to date, at all). I love her. I do. I have these crazy hopes and dreams that she will learn more about herself and come to the realization that she needs to cut the umbilical cord. I can't seem to let go. I am trying, but it feels like it's no use.

 

This is my every minute of every day struggle. I just hope that something will bring her to the conclusion she is loved immensely, she'll see it took both of us to get here, but that with two people trying we can overcome the obstacles. Then the next minute I think she's never coming back. She completely owns my head right now.

 

This is why I had to end the long distance with her. She was having her cake and eating it too. The distance didn't seem to bother her one bit because she was out with high school friends each night, playing cards with her family, etc, while I was sitting at our apartment, with our animals, working full time, missing the crap out of her. And when I would call upset that I miss her so much, she would lightly tell me to go out and do something and be happy. We just weren't on the same page at all. It just spoke volumes to me about what I really was to her.

 

I'm glad you were able to cut those ties as hard I know it can be. I wish I could of done the same, but ultimately it was her who made that call. I don't think the distance bothered mine either. She was happy being home, and trying to figure out how to get me there too. The first 6 months of separation I didn't do anything. I'd get up go to work, come home workout, watch tv, and go to bed. We were never on the same page too. She'd waiver from what she wanted. She called me in January crying one day saying she didn't want the divorce, a week later called me to check up on me, started texting me everyday, then I go up there and have that weekend, and a week later it's over??? WHAT IS THAT???

 

 

 

 

Luckily for me, my "good times" with her have been as long as my bad, and are closely approaching the mark where the bad times are going to take up more than 50% of the length of our relationship. So, I did get lucky in that she didn't give me years of happiness before this happened. She let it out of the bag pretty quick, and that I am grateful for. I am still beyond messed up over it, though. Probably way more so than I should be for just a year long relationship, but I really thought this was gonna be the one. All other relationships had great times and I could see myself being with them forever, but this one had passion that I had not experienced in my life. The thought of proposing made me weak in the knees, whereas that type of romance never existed for me in prior relationships. So I'm taking it pretty hard, and wondering if I will ever find that again.

 

Our marriage wasn't rosy obviously. However, I viewed it as a commitment I had made for better or worse until one of us died. So I had bad memories too while we lived together. It's just the good memories currently weigh out the bad and it's not even close. I'm sure one day in the future we'll find it. Even for me today, it seems impossible to believe, but it has to exist right??

 

Exactly. I don't get too many responses to my posts on here, because my situation is an odd one. I don't think people know what to say, really. It's somewhat of a no-brainer in a sense ... like our heads are telling us ... we just gotta let this one go. But it's so much easier said than done. My heart and my head are in an epic battle by the minute. The tornado it causes within every fiber of my being is almost more than I can take at moments. Some moments, I just need a time out. Tonight, I forced myself to just nap because I wanted relief from my thoughts and feelings. I know once it gets to that, I'm not in a good place.

 

I struggle to let go when I should because of the last year while separated. We were meeting up a year ago and sleeping together, and spending time together, and trying to do counseling together even with the distance. In the end though she was probably only using it to get me to move there. So when I'm so broken today I think about how last August we were talking about fixing everything, holding hands, and banging like crazy at night. I DONT UNDERSTAND WHAT CHANGED?? Back to my comment when she called me this past January crying. How can you feel that way one day, and then less than a month later it's over and I haven't done anything wrong??

 

I am not in a good place. I understand, and I feel for you. I am here.

 

I am sorry you are not in a good place either, this is really hard on people. Want to know the truth? I went to my dad's for father's day this afternoon. Took him out to lunch. We got to talking about it after we got back to his place, and I just broke down. I can be an emotional person from time to time as far as feelings, but I don't cry. Today i'm standing there hugging my dad and crying. 28 Years Old and sobbing on my dad's shoulder. I feel pathetic and not even a man. This woman has robbed me of all my joy and yet I can't even hate her for it. I just wish we could fix it

[Sportsguy4]

I knows all days are different and those struggling with separation or like me being divorced can ride that emotional roller coaster. Today I finally had a really good talk with someone who is trying to walk me through this.

 

I need to learn to accept that the marriage I once knew is DEAD. It might as well be buried in the grave. The person I love and married isn't there anymore. Could there always be the slight possibility of restoration? Yes, anything is possible, but even if that happens it needs to be with a changed person. If she tried to come back the way she is, it's not going to be fixed. We'll end up right back where we were. There needs to be more maturity and growing up on her end, as well as some on mine.

 

With that being said, part of the divorce process was her having her name changed back to her maiden name. That's not a sign of someone who would remotely want to fix things anytime soon. She is 3.5 hours away and doesn't even bear my name anymore. It's like she's just trying to erase my memory from her life.

 

All the pain and suffering I'm going through, I'm sure she's not even remotely feeling right now. As much as I wish she was in anguish like me, deep down I know she's not.

 

I need to accept the reality of my situation. Although not my choice at all, I'm 28 and I'm divorced. It is part of who I am, and it'll be a part of who I become. I will carry that with me from now on. Instead of being ashamed and burdened by it, I need to learn to use it to grow to make sure it doesn't happen again.

 

I did everything that I could, and I need to remind myself of that. Everything I offered her wasn't good enough, and that's not my problem anymore. It is now her problem, and the next guy she meets won't be good enough either. You cannot make someone happy, who doesn't want to be happy. I need to be able to rest on the facts i gave her all and that's all I could really do.

 

Today I hope is the first step in truly accepting who I am and where I am in life. I fought for something I believed in, and I loved until the last second, that's not a shameful thing but a noble thing. I'm hoping to finally start moving forward from this point on.

 

The last 14 months are not of my doing, but its time to start trying to slowly move in the right direction. I do not believe that, that is dating, but a day by day process of rediscovering myself and loving me again. The fact that i've made no progress through 14 months of separation and now 3 weeks post divorce is not a good sign. I'm holding on, when I need to let go.

 

Hoping to be more positive on here going forward.

[Mr. Lucky]

Today I hope is the first step in truly accepting who I am and where I am in life. I fought for something I believed in, and I loved until the last second, that's not a shameful thing but a noble thing. I'm hoping to finally start moving forward from this point on.

 

The last 14 months are not of my doing, but its time to start trying to slowly move in the right direction. I do not believe that, that is dating, but a day by day process of rediscovering myself and loving me again. The fact that i've made no progress through 14 months of separation and now 3 weeks post divorce is not a good sign. I'm holding on, when I need to let go.

 

Hoping to be more positive on here going forward.

 

You've made real progress .

 

Hope you stick around a bit and help others along the way...

 

Mr. Lucky

[understand50]

Good luck, It will get better.

[i am gutted]

I knows all days are different and those struggling with separation or like me being divorced can ride that emotional roller coaster. Today I finally had a really good talk with someone who is trying to walk me through this.

 

I need to learn to accept that the marriage I once knew is DEAD. It might as well be buried in the grave. The person I love and married isn't there anymore. Could there always be the slight possibility of restoration? Yes, anything is possible, but even if that happens it needs to be with a changed person. If she tried to come back the way she is, it's not going to be fixed. We'll end up right back where we were. There needs to be more maturity and growing up on her end, as well as some on mine.

 

With that being said, part of the divorce process was her having her name changed back to her maiden name. That's not a sign of someone who would remotely want to fix things anytime soon. She is 3.5 hours away and doesn't even bear my name anymore. It's like she's just trying to erase my memory from her life.

 

All the pain and suffering I'm going through, I'm sure she's not even remotely feeling right now. As much as I wish she was in anguish like me, deep down I know she's not.

 

I need to accept the reality of my situation. Although not my choice at all, I'm 28 and I'm divorced. It is part of who I am, and it'll be a part of who I become. I will carry that with me from now on. Instead of being ashamed and burdened by it, I need to learn to use it to grow to make sure it doesn't happen again.

 

I did everything that I could, and I need to remind myself of that. Everything I offered her wasn't good enough, and that's not my problem anymore. It is now her problem, and the next guy she meets won't be good enough either. You cannot make someone happy, who doesn't want to be happy. I need to be able to rest on the facts i gave her all and that's all I could really do.

 

Today I hope is the first step in truly accepting who I am and where I am in life. I fought for something I believed in, and I loved until the last second, that's not a shameful thing but a noble thing. I'm hoping to finally start moving forward from this point on.

 

The last 14 months are not of my doing, but its time to start trying to slowly move in the right direction. I do not believe that, that is dating, but a day by day process of rediscovering myself and loving me again. The fact that i've made no progress through 14 months of separation and now 3 weeks post divorce is not a good sign. I'm holding on, when I need to let go.

 

Hoping to be more positive on here going forward.

 

;hi ....the acceptance is definitely hard isn't it......I feel for you as I totally understand where you are coming from. none of this was what we wanted but have to take.

my progress has been up and down too and at the moment still down.. I get what you mean about letting go and to not hold on anymore.

I wish you all the best in moving forward, has been a long time for you......

[Oberfeldwebel]

I know you have kicked yourself about not relocating, but there is nothing to say that if you had that the relationship would have worked. Moving there gives her control of the relationship as you would have been at least temporarily unemployed. Additionally, the fact that she left you on holidays to be with her folks does not bode well either. I know you are mourning the loss of the relationship, but I'm not sure this would have lasted no matter what you would have done. Try to learn from the experience and be a better partner the next time around.

[Sportsguy4]

;hi ....the acceptance is definitely hard isn't it......I feel for you as I totally understand where you are coming from. none of this was what we wanted but have to take.

my progress has been up and down too and at the moment still down.. I get what you mean about letting go and to not hold on anymore.

I wish you all the best in moving forward, has been a long time for you......

 

 

It is very hard. I'm now at 14 months post separation and going on one month divorced. I never wanted this at all either but we do have to try our best to pick ourselves up off the floor and face each day.

 

I've let go of the situation but it doesn't mean that I don't still love her. I would still work on the marriage if she was willing at some point. I'm just not letting that dictate everything I do anymore. I'm hanging out with friends and trying to enjoy life, but I'm not wanting to date and I will continue to leave the door open for restoration.

[Sportsguy4]

I know you have kicked yourself about not relocating, but there is nothing to say that if you had that the relationship would have worked. Moving there gives her control of the relationship as you would have been at least temporarily unemployed. Additionally, the fact that she left you on holidays to be with her folks does not bode well either. I know you are mourning the loss of the relationship, but I'm not sure this would have lasted no matter what you would have done. Try to learn from the experience and be a better partner the next time around.

 

I have kicked myself countless times and it haunts me here and there. However, I take the fact that NO ONE thought I should move up there as my there is wisdom in the counsel of many.

 

I do understand me moving up there gave her full control of the situation and she would have been sacrificing nothing for the marriage. I may have been able to transfer from my current position but it would of came with a huge pay cut and I would of been forced to work 2 jobs and we'd be home at all different types of hours, that wouldn't have been good for the situation either.

 

I don't think the marriage could of lasted the way it was going either. however, I do believe that people can change over time. I'm changing and trying not to get caught up into the same things that I was during the marriage. I have already learned a lot from the experience and I do believe I'd be a better partner next time. It's just I wish she could see where her faults were too, and that it took BOTH of us to get where we are instead of just me. She made just as many mistakes as I did. The difference is I never threw them in her face, and I continued to love her for who she was and continued to try and make our marriage better. I do hope that one day she comes around to her senses because honestly this entire thing has felt so stupid, we could have easily worked through all of this instead of ending up where we currently are

[Sportsguy4]

I'll make this short and brief and I already know you all will think I'm crazy.

 

I've decided I'm going to stand for my marriage even a month after the divorce. I love my wife with all of my heart, and as crazy to people as it may sound I do believe our problems are still fixable.

 

With that being said I'm trying to focus on becoming a better man, not for another woman, but for the one I already made a lifetime commitment too.

 

It won't sound great to most people, but I am trying to honor my vows until death do us part.

 

Is it hard most days? Yes, but I pick myself up and keep believing that even though we haven't talked in almost 5 months now, that one day all her anger, bitterness, and resentment for me not moving up there will be gone.

 

She will see she was truly loved and has a husband back home waiting for her.